US Weekly’s cover story this week “Jersey Shore Wars: Secret Fights” is predictably all about the drama on that asinine ubiquitous show. You get a bunch of stupid kids together, let them drink all day and go to clubs at night and lo and behold: they fight and have sex. What a concept. The fighting involves the women ganging up against Angelina, who is off the show next season after leaving and coming back again. She’s being replaced by a friend of Snooki’s called Deena Nicole Cortese, who is supposed to be nice and to get along with the other women. They need someone else to hate, so supposedly they’re feuding with Sammi as she’s mad at best buds Snooki and J-Woww for letting her know that her boyfriend, Ronnie, is a cheater. That’s all I can be bothered to recount from that story.
Oh – and one more detail in the story before I forget. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who will probably make $5 million dollars this year, owns a Bentley and is about to have a stint on Dancing With The Stars, thinks he’ll have a career as a movie star. He says “In another couple of years, I’ll graduate into TV and scripted, which we’re talking about now. Feature roles in films.” Good luck with that.
The best part of this story was an inset diagram from US showing who has slept with whom on the show. I’ve recreated it above, with full credit to US Weekly for this excellent concept. Angelina had sex with three out of four of the guys! She slept with Pauly, The Situation, and Vinny. Both Pauly and Vinny had sex with two out of the four, Angelina being one of them, and Ronnie and Sammi only had sex with each other. Just check out the photo below and enlarge it for the full effect. US even included makeout lines, with The Situation making out with a couple more girls and J-Woww and Snooki making out with each other. Add in the random chicks and guys these fools pick up at bars and I’m sure Chelsea Handler was right when she quipped that they’ve got herpes. There’s probably a lot of other things going around that house too.
Snooki kisses and tells too. She says that having sex with Vinny was like “putting a watermelon in a pinhole” and that he should get a career in porn. That’s not what that hole is usually for, Snooki.
The circles around their pictures= which one’s have herpes.
*vomits into mouth*
bahahahahhaah @ jen
This has got to be the scuzziest group of people ever gathered.
I’m sorry, i can’t help it, I want to be disgusted but every time i turn this show on I fall off the couch laughing. It must be all my years as a cocktail waitress, i just find watching drunk people hysterical.
3 out of 4 bagged angelina. Not a good look!
@ tqb – i’m with you. i avoided it but stayed home sick one day & watched the whole first season. i’m addicted. its a trainwreck & i fn love it. i need those laughs!
p.s. sams an idiot.
can’t hate on them…just can’t.
@ams511: I started watching when I was home with a hangover!
The first season was brilliant in a total trainwreck kind of way. I won’t watch the second season as they obviously think they’re stars but the first season… so awesomely bad.
I’ve never seen the show, so am I to understand that they’re NOT saving it for marriage?
Just praticing…
That stupid snookie is a midget!!!!!! ewwwww!!
Walking petrie dishes the lot of them!
I avoided it, too, then caught a few minutes at a friend’s, and am now hooked! It’s so funny! It’s like the bobby brown and whitney show a few years back, can’t look away!
I can’t stand angelina, can’t wait for her to be gone. I was very disappointed when Vinny slept with her.
Honestly, I can’t imagine these people are any different than the skanks and famewhores on real world, are they? And there were party people like that in college, sleeping with friends and other friends, etc. So I don’t really judge these people on that. They’d be doing it anyway.
Hahaha, class at its best.
they all ganged up on angelina because she’s the prettiest of the bunch. snookies friend is chunky and dumpy looking, shes no threat to anyone so of course the catty hissy ladies are going to be super nice to her.
What’s wrong with these people? They don’t look humanish at all. I mean, the girls are all orange, Situations’ abs freaks me out, Snooki’s shape is undefinable, and what’s up with Pauly’s hair?
When I read comments from people talking about how much they love this show and how addictive it is….all I can say is….ME TOO. They are funny and sometimes you are laughing at them but with a few exceptions they are not bad people and don’t take themselves too seriously. And as soon as someone starts an “I hate Sammi” fanclub, I will be the first to join.
@manda, there’s something refreshing about their honesty.
Well, thanks Kaiser, I really think I’m going to use this scheme in my essay on self stereotyping, image building and social-cultural expectations, based on this show. My Sociology Professor actually liked the idea; I’m still freaked out!
I was expecting worse actually!
Ok, just out of curiosity which of these folks would you choose, if you had no other choice, to be stuck with for six months?
Doesn’t have to be about sex as they all seem like germ covered/VD infested little reminders to wear condoms or join a convent.
Anyhoodle, if you had to pick one who would it be?
Count me as one of the converted. Although I’m only watching Season 2 at the moment as I find it difficult to see season 1 here online. I’m an utter cow, so I have no qualms about laughing at them, not with them 😈
I was transfixed by Pauly’s hair. If it wasn’t poker straight, it would look like my dad and his brothers’ and friends’ hair back in the 50s! The only difference is they had Brylcremed waves which fanned out at the sides. Yup. Cuttin’ edge hairdo there me bucko, if it looks like something a gang of young fellas from Connemara had on their heads in the “Big Schmoke” of London 60 years ago. 😆
As for who I’d stomach for 6 months: Situation is funny and very watchable. I think he’d make the transition into tv comedies very well.
I kind of like Snooki in this season – I can’t hate on a girl who loves her pickles that much. But I like Angelina too – possibly because she’s the only one I can look at without having to adjust the contrast on my telly!
@TaylorB – I would choose Mike. I don’t think he is the best looking but he can cook and he seems like a neat freak. And, if he truly has parlayed this gig into $5 million in one year then he HAS to be smarter than he appears.
I am almost 40 and am embarrassed to admit that I watch this show…I have no explanation either other than I just happened to catch a marathon of the first season and got hooked…ha.
I love how terrible this show is. I wait till my boyfriend is out of town and then I binge on all of their drunken fuckery.
I’m sure I’m contributing to Armageddon just by giving these herpes-riddled miscreants my time, but I can’t help but reveal in the schadenfreuden.
@TaylorB – Snickers. She seems just self-aware enough that she could be interesting, and besides, everything out of that girl’s mouth is just gold. Of course, I might be driven to a homicidal rage in about a month and a half, but I’m guessing that would be in humanity’s best interest.
(. . . I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but Sitch has grown on me this season, too. I’m sure I’ll need an ointment for that. . .)
Taylor, interesting question because what I’d like to do is hang around a few of them for 6 months, just watching, fly on the wall sort of. Limiting it to one does mean that I’d have to actually interact with them. Which, ehh. I guess I’d pick Vinny, he seems like the wittiest one. Not that I ever want to see his “watermelon.”
Never seen the show. Looking at the main pic, it looks like she who used the least spray tan won..
There was shockingly much less sex than I anticipated from this group of cement heads.
I am 40, and admit to watching the show. It fascinates me but mind you sometimes I need to mute it when Sammi is talking. She says “like” almost as much as she says “f*$K”
Anyway, it is my guilty pleasure.
@ TaylorB I would have to say Vinny. He has a decent respect of others and he is very witty and lacks that fake bravado that the others seem to have.
Sammies dumb. I join the club. Shows entertaining. Period.
WTF is wrong with Pauly’s hair?!
It’s like, totally flat. He has cartoon hair. Gah.
@Fluffy Kitten Tale – I was kind of thinking “genetic bacterial soup”.
Ok, I guess we all have different reasons to ‘hang’ with those folks, though I do like the fly on the wall approach.
I have to admit that when #23 (my puter sucks and I can’t read your name, sorry) wrote they wanted to hang out with Mike I was confused for a bit, I forgot that was ‘the situations’ actual name.
I personally can not decide I am caught between Snookie, Jenny Wow, and the guy whos hair sticks up. Granted watching Mike try to get a gal would be pretty funny.
I just want to hose them all down with Lysol and antivirals.
I liked Vinny, he seemed quite modest and normal…but he slept with snookie?! that changes everything. now I know that I wouldn’t do him, even if he is so well-endowed as snookie claims.
That chart is all wrong. Jenni didn’t sleep with Paulie, they just fooled around. Situation and Snooki did the deed during a publicity tour… And thank god that no-one but Ronnie boinked Sammi – she’s the kind of girl to kvetch about such things forever!
And now I’m going to go hang my head in shame that I know all this useless crap….
This show’s popularity doesn’t signal the end times, but if there is any solace, these shows have a short life even bonking and puking have their limits; remember Paris’s the simple life had a short trajectory and after the novelty of Ozzy and the kids stumbling around f this f that wore off, that show went off the air; I give these yahoos one more season, and given their extreme limitations to be interesting human beings, tv land will be off to find the next collection of bozos for fun and profit.
I find that Snooky totally repulsive, i hat her nasty thin lips ewwwwwwwwww!
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