Today is going to be a good day. You know why? Because we have a new Karl Lagerfeld interview to read! Huzzah! The Kaiser’s interviews are always priceless, full of little gems about fat, potato-chip-eating peasants and their sweatpants, and each interview brings new additions to The Kaiser’s on-going List of Hate. In today’s episode of “What in the world does Karl Lagerfeld hate this week?” we have: sugar, alcohol, haircuts, washing his own hair, making time for dentists, knowing too much about politicians, thongs and HAPPINESS. We actually have some things to add to The Kaiser’s List of Love too: he enjoys the IDEA of milk, the smell of chocolate, the advertising world, and fax machines. I LOVE HIM.

Well, let’s start with this ad campaign you’ve done for Magnum Ice Cream.
I’ve done many ads because that’s my new career. It’s an inspiring extension for my mind. I always loved advertising. If I hadn’t been in fashion, I’d have been in advertising. I like everything about it. I think it’s an interesting expression of the culture of the moment. I just put out a huge book about the history of German advertising from 1900-1920, because it was the best period. It’s not very well known, but there were great artists. And those posters—when they show up, there are hardly any left—sell for fortunes. It’s a very interesting book, I must say. In fact it’s a box with 12 books.

So why ice cream?
Don’t forget my father was a milkman. He produced Carnation milk in Europe under different names, so I like to say he was a milkman. And ice cream is made with milk, no?

Do you eat it?
I would love to if I was allowed to eat sugar, but my doctor told me that sugar wasn’t needed for me so I haven’t touched it in ten years. I also did the ad for Dom Pérignon and I don’t drink alcohol, but I think it’s a very civilized drink.

Do you crave sugar?
No. Gone. But I like chocolate. I don’t eat it, but I like the smell of it. People can drink with their eyes; I can eat with my nose. I would love to have a perfume based on chocolate.

Eau de Cocoa.
I love the idea.

You’re a busy man.
I’m always busy. You know, the more I do, the more ideas I have—that’s the funny thing. The brain is a muscle, and I’m a kind of body-builder.

Do you ever think about cutting your hair?
No, because I’m afraid it won’t grow again. And I’m not very gifted for hairdos. This is the quickest thing in the world. It takes less than five seconds.

Do you do it yourself?
No, I have someone who comes to the house and washes it, puts in the dry shampoo, and takes care if it because I have no time. I don’t even have time to go to the dentist. I’m busy but in a pleasant way. I’m the one who wanted to do all of it, so I can’t complain.

You’re a designer, photographer, book publisher, filmmaker. Is there anything else you’d like to do?
You don’t think four jobs can do?

Is there anything left that you want to do?
Is this a political question?

You don’t even vote!
No, I never ever vote because I know too much about the backgrounds of these people. No, but for me the advertising world is a new country to conquer. When you want something you haven’t done before you have to think it’s the most important thing. If you see it only as a room that leads to another room, you might make a mistake. I don’t want to cross the room. I want to stay there.

Is there anything you wish you were better at?
Yes, playing the piano.

Can you play at all?
No! Forget about it. For one year I had lessons and then my mother threw the thing on my fingers and said, ‘Start sketching—it makes less noise.’ She was right. She was a violinist and couldn’t stand poorly played music.

You seem to have a love/hate relationship with technology. You have hundreds of iPods but you don’t use a computer. You correspond by fax.
There are people who only have a fax because of me.

Well, because it’s so outdated!
Well, I don’t want to be in-fashion.

But, really, why do you still fax?
It’s very easy to explain: For me, sketching and writing are the same thing. I like to write. It’s a physical thing—I hate to be without paper and pencil in hand. And I write like a talk. I can put my way of talking on the paper exactly the same way. The machines they tried to make where you write directly on computers are not perfect. The minute they’re perfect, I will use them.

So will we ever add writer to your list of occupations?
I’m not a writer, and I don’t want to be a writer because I have nothing to say.

A memoir?
I’m living my memoir, I don’t need to write it. But I do write a lot of prefaces for books.

You’ve famously worn Dior Homme, Tom Ford. What menswear designers do you like now?
Tom Ford is not as good on me as younger men. And you know why? Because I wore the same kind of clothes thirty years ago—Italian-made by Caraceni. I love the way Tom Ford suits are made. They’re chic; they’re elegant. But on my younger entourage, they look better than on me. I wear Dior Homme—my old Hedi Slimane suits. The ones they do today, too, as long as they don’t get too flou. And a little Lanvin. I used to love Margiela, but it’s not him anymore and it shows a little. I used to buy quite a lot of Japanese labels, too, like Undercover and Number (N)ine, but that one disappeared. Mister Hollywood does well-made clothes. You know, I hate made-by-order clothes. It’s up to me to fit into them, not to buy some orthopedic stuff to get the body into. I never had one button touched on a Dior suit. Size 48 is my perfect size. In the past you had to do fittings because there was nothing really good. But when I went to Caraceni thirty years ago, there was one fitter for waistcoat, one for jacket, one for pants—it took hours. You needed three months to get the clothes. No, no, no. I like things immediately.

How do you like a woman to dress?
It depends on the circumstances, her look, her life. There is no rule that I could reduce to two lines.

Is there one thing that you don’t like a woman to wear?
I’m not mad for thongs.

The fall Chanel collection was rather dark, apocalyptic…
It was three days before the earthquake in Japan. It was right for the moment. But that’s what I felt. It’s instinctual. A collection is about what one feels, whatever it is.

When are you happiest?
Happiness is like a fever. I don’t take the temperature.

When was the last time you cried?
I’m trying to think of the last time I had onions.

[From W Magazine]

I love him. He’s wonderful. I mean, he’s crazy and kind of senile (which explains Blake Lively), but he’s also surprisingly funny, and I enjoyed the part where he was giving props to Tom Ford. I also love that he doesn’t do his own hair. He’s like a crotchety old lady.

Photos courtesy of WENN.