This is one of the most amusing things I’ve seen in a while. (That wasn’t written by Kaiser, natch.) The last we saw of 90s music sensation Sinead O’Connor, 44, she had gained some mom weight and grown her hair back in a very unfortunate style that Michael K at DListed described as “toddler hair circa 1978.” (We don’t have those pictures, you can see them here. That’s not what I’m calling amusing, that’s pretty normal apart from the way she’s dressed and her terrible haircut.) She currently has four kids that range in age from
15 25(?) to 4, who all have different fathers, and she’s living in her native Ireland.
Anyway Sinead needs some sex, desperately. She writes on her official blog that she needs it so bad that vegetables are looking sexy to her. Has that ever happened to you? Sometimes my electric toothbrush seems sexy with it’s sweet hum and vibrating power, but cold veggies just would not do the trick. Sinead posted a long message a few days ago requesting a guy who is hairy, employed, 44 or older and prepared to service her needs, basically. Here it is in its entirely:
The man who runs my site will protectively suggest I may want to visit the bathroom for a few intimate moments and a subsequent cold shower before deciding to post this on the site but I will of course ignore him as it’s too late now and the her-moans are having the best of me.
I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don’t yet own a truck but I’m beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab’s whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can’t say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine.
My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.
Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.
So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.
Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.
He must be no younger than 44.
Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
Must not be named Brian or Nigel.
Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.
Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
No hair gel.
No hair dryer use.
No hair dye
Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
No after shave.
Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.
Must be wham-bam.
Has to like his mother.
Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.
Has to live in own place.
I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana
Applicants can apply through my secretary at firstname.lastname@example.org
[From Sinead O'Connor's website]
That was posted on August 20th, and in a follow up yesterday Sinead reports that she got laid! Yay! At least I think that’s what she’s writing here. Or maybe she had some fun on Skype. Either way, it seems to have taken care of her needs.
Search called off for now. Suitable man found. Hands down winner. No competition.. Thank you again to the sunday indo..
That position has been filled by an extremely sweet, kind, very respectful, considerate but absolutely FILTHY minded, un-inhibited RUDE sex maniac named John. and no.. I don’t mean John Waters.
Well good for her. There’s no need to resort to veggies. She has more details on her blog about her preferred sex practices, but I’m not going to get into it here. Let’s just say she’s a backdoor gal and leave it at that. Sinead O’Connor is a kinky bitch and she’ll tell you about it.
Update: I don’t know how I missed this other post, saying the applicant has been disqualified! Thanks to all of you who pointed it out:
Sadly the chosen winner of the quest for man has revealed pregnant girlfriend. Therefore the campaign is resumed for anyone who is interested in applying… U may do so at @ email@example.com
Must have sweet heart and filthy mind.
Here’s Sinead performing in July, 2010. Credit: WENN.com