Gwyneth Paltrow just single-handedly ruined ‘The New Girl’

As many of you know by now, I am a big fan of The New Girl. I think it’s the most underappreciated new comedy of the 2011-2012 network season. At first I was right there with the haters, yelling about Zooey Deschanel/Jess’s indie/hipster affectations, but honestly, the show is really, really well-written and funny. One of the best parts of the show is the supporting character of Schmidt, Jess’s anal retentive, metrosexual, douchebag roommate, played brilliantly by Max Greenfield. Unfortunately, I now feel like I have to hate the show in general and Max Greenfield in particular. Why, perchance? Because I just found out that Dame Gwyneth Paltrow LOVES the show and Max Greenfield in particular. DAMN IT, GOOP. Stop ruining everything!!

In her current issue of Goop (the weekly newsletter), Gwyneth talks up the show and then allows Max Greenfield to “guest edit” Goop for the week. It doesn’t matter that he’s completely charming and funny (he is, by the way). It only matters that I can’t love the same boy as Goop.

This past September, I made a discovery that has made my life a better, happier place: the show New Girl, of course! I fell in TV love with Schmidt, played by Max Greenfield, who’s the kind of guy you lusted after at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. I asked him to edit our issue this week. Enjoy. And thank you, Max.

Love,
gp

[Via Goop]

She hands the reins over to Max and he quickly explains his email-relationship with Gwyneth and in the span of several paragraphs, he manages to poke fun at her famous Duck Ragu recipe, the Oprah/Goop-ification of wishy-washy “happiness” seeking, and of the endless consumerism that Gwyneth shills. It’s kind of brilliant:

I recently connected with Gwyneth Paltrow and explained to her how much I love goop. Being all that Gwyneth is, she has allowed me to write a piece for the site, which you are now hopefully about to read.
-mg

“Zen and the Art of Goop”

Now that that’s out of the way, my name is Max Greenfield. I am an actor living in Los Angeles and currently play the role of “Schmidt” on Fox’s New Girl. I am husband to an amazing wife and father to an incredible two-year-old daughter. I am thirty-blah-blah-blah-years-old and have achieved the greatest goal one can achieve — I am happy with my life.

How much of my happiness has to do with the fact that I now e-mail with GP? It’s definitely a percentage. Be it a small one, this is my truth and I am okay with it.

The remainder of my happiness is derived from one simple mantra: “Stop thinking, surrender and goop”. To the extent that I am able to do this, my life is perfect.

Not thinking can be difficult. Surrender even more so. For example, how am I supposed to be “Ready for Summer” when I was never “Ready for Spring”? I could sit on the couch in my Rag & Bone high-neck sweater and spin out on this for a full week and by Thursday all I’m thinking is what a disaster fall is going to be!

Then I remember to stop thinking. I remember that today is just today and that is all that it is. I take a deep breath in and I realize that in this moment I am fine and everything is okay. More importantly, I am reminded that my A.P.C. jeans are so perfectly worn in that they are appropriate for any season and I am suddenly at ease. It is at this moment that I have surrendered.

The third part of my mantra, and perhaps the most important, is goop. I use this as an adjective. The trick to goop is that it is not about me. It’s not about my Scrapbook from Marrakesh or my Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Soap and dare I say it’s not even about Gwyneth. It’s about what I can add to the lives of the people around me. Goop is about giving. It’s about bringing people together.

After all, Gwyneth’s recipe for Duck Ragu was never intended for one. But like I said before, this is not a recipe for Duck Ragu.

[Via Goop]

Greenfield then goes on to list his “Ten Best” things that he’s into currently. One of them is George Clooney’s Lake Como house, which is kind of awesome. The list is very Schmidt-y and it does make me wonder if Max Greenfield is secretly a lot like Schmidt. So… I’m torn. I’m torn between wanting to hate all things Goop and all things that Goop likes, and wanting Max Greenfield/Schmidt to guest edit all Goop newsletters from here on out.

Here are some photos of Goop leaving a Jay-Z/Kanye concert two nights ago.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

 

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68 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow just single-handedly ruined ‘The New Girl’”

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  1. Riana says:

    Well I couldn’t give The New Girl that chance sadly, mostly because every commercial makes me feel like punching someone in the face. However, this guy sounds really sweet and charming.

    I love the “it’s a percentage” classic goop poking, not as good as the Cracked Goop locking but close.

    Ugh, between Gwen and Ryan Murply the crotches of celebs have never been so warm.

  2. Riana says:

    Okay read the whole excerpt, I love him! That was hilarious and secretly so insulting to her so yeah…he’s a wonder in my book.

  3. Tapioca says:

    I tried with New Girl, I really did, but five minutes of Zooey “I’m 31 YEARS OLD but I’m still so cute & quirky!” Deschanel and I found myself blinding punching at the TV hoping to chance upon the off switch.

    Even Gwynnie couldn’t make it worse!

  4. Ming says:

    All I see is GOOP rips.

    A McGoopRip includes frys, a coke and a Zooey “My Little Pony” Deschanel toy.

  5. cupidtyrox says:

    I swear Kaiser your the biggest drama queen ever!! But i still love you.

  6. horizonte says:

    If anything, this made me love him and the show even more!

  7. CN says:

    The New Girl would be excellent if they took out the new girl.

  8. Marjalane says:

    You just wait, Goopy’s going to get herself inserted into that show- “as a very special, special guest”. Just like Glee. What Gwynnie wants…..

    • marie says:

      I will have to skip that episode if it happens, well unless Schmidt gets to be a major d-bag to her-that I might watch..

    • normades says:

      Yup, I’m sure she’ll apear as his anal retentive new girlfriend.

    • bns says:

      When I read the title I thought she was going to guest star.

    • Jo 'Mama' Besser says:

      Exactly!

      Now, I could a sane person and say, ‘So?’ But I don’t come here to play sane, I have to do that the rest of the day, every day, so bump that! It’s time to Nourish My Inner Derelict! Annnnd…..go!

      And she’s watching us, people. We’ll sit here, twiddling our thumbs and thinking, ‘There is no way she’s going to wage a war on two fronts, that’s unfeasible!’ Not if she’s quick in her terror deployments, people, it would never have to get to simultaneous carnage with Glee to the east and New Girl to the west if she picks them off individually and quickly. All she really needs is her own lightspeed, her larger than normal reserve of various resources and reliable intelligence to supply her with the information that confirms how long it would take for all of these shows to gird their loins against the assault and strike before each show protects itself to completion or even think of installing Trench One. Genius.

      You see, the feelers are out already, and with her Enigmatic Storm Manual (GOOP), both her cronies and lady herself have been gauging how long it would take for us to moblize ourselves after the shock of the declaration wears off. And it has already been going on for years. She has the information already, people! Glee is about to fall, so it’s safe enough to let it choke itself out while her forces change direction and come for the next prize.

      She’s Schlieffen Plan-ning us, people. Do we really want to get stuck with eating Yardleys Anderson for breakfast every day. Do we even know if that’s safely ingestible? How far will her desired empire expand? I don’t know how I’d deal with the change. Imagine:

      The Iron Colon, The Scourge of Carbs, The Goopo-Plebian War, The Blonde of Troubles, Beyonce The Magnificent and Jay-Z The Confessor, The Brit Commune, The Batalli Familia, Poor Little Chloe Girl. The Thirty Figures War, Shakespeare in Uggs, The Battle of Bosworth’s Field (yeah, I said it)…

      What world is this?

      • TheOriginalVictoria says:

        I love all your posts Jo! I don’t think people understand half of your references but I do and you are just one intelligent cookie and on point one hundred percent of the time.

      • Jo 'Mama' Besser says:

        Wow, thanks! That is such an incredibly kind thing to say and honestly, I’m really touched. I always enjoy what you have to say, and on my life I’m not saying that just to be cordial in response… or to fluff my own ego since our ideas align the way that ours do and your agreement confirms my genius. Now, there’s a big ol’ grin on my face, thanks to you and once again, I so appreciate your kind words. Now, my Canadian ‘Aw, shucks’ effusiveness is taking over. You’re a sweet lady.

      • Marjalane says:

        “Glee is about to fall, so it’s safe enough to let it choke itself out while her forces change direction and come for the next prize.”

        You’re funny- I want to be your friend.

      • It is ME!! says:

        “strike before each show protects itself to completion or even think of installing Trench One. Genius.”

        They need a Hollywood Maginot Line!!

        Not that that worked out too well. Ahem.

  9. Masque says:

    He needs to start his own ‘zine called SCHMOOP.

  10. Agnes says:

    like goop has ever been to a bar mitzvah.

  11. Bella Bella says:

    I love The New Girl! The boys of the cast are by far the best thing about the show. Nick’s a hottie and Schmidt is adorable. Love love love love

  12. NerdMomma says:

    I completely love New Girl. I too expected to hate it and was initially annoyed by Zooey D’s cute-quirky act but I swear that show is so relatable and fun! I still can’t stand Zooey D’s singing voice but luckily they’ve backed off on that. They’ve really made an ensemble show with six fantastic characters.

  13. TheOriginalVictoria says:

    I like it, I prefer Emily to Zooey and So BONES. They have beautiful and intelligent grown women as characters on that show.

  14. carrie b. says:

    I’m with Kaiser. It’s completely ridiculous and a tad immature to get worked up over a Goops/M. Greenfield relationship of any kind. And yet, the thought of how much she likes him and the series makes me consciously fight to keep my upper lip from curling into a snarl.

  15. fishbottom says:

    Hey Kaiser, it’s just “New Girl.” See http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1826940. “The New Girl” is something else entirely.

  16. lisa says:

    Why is she trying to get on every TV show. First Glee. I don’t watch this show so not a big deal.

    I guess film work is not coming. I know she has a few films in the works, but maybe she should just get her own TV show. She can dance and sing and do Goop stuff.

  17. Letting someone like Ms.Paltrow ruin anything makes your life kind of sad. I love “New Girl”. We’ve watched it from the get go.

  18. Dinah says:

    Is it just me, or does anyone else see E.T. when you look at the first pic (in the greyish halter dress)? Seriously- try it- just focus on that leathery forehead and- BAM!! There it is.

  19. poppy says:

    his subtle busts on her ‘i’m your new guru’ lameness are great.
    goop always wanted to be on tv. she tried out for 90210. she was in some awful made for tv movies back in the day. she’s the one that called maniston ‘that tv girl’. she should be thankful if tv will have her. she can’t open a movie and can’t get supporting roles unless rdj/someone pulls strings/calls in favors. would anyone even watch a show if she was the star?

  20. Anahata says:

    LOL I’ve never seen this show but his essay was priceless.

  21. Shelly says:

    I really love New Girl, too. It is smart and funny. The cast gels well together.

  22. Viv says:

    I love that show, but I am confused. I was always waiting for him to come out of the closet. Now he is Goopy’s girlfriend and then says he has a wife? Major confusion here. Kaiser, metrosexual? Really? Schmidt or Max, honey, you look gay to me. G-A-Y. Nothing wrong with that.

    • TheOriginalKitten says:

      I try to refrain from commenting on people’s sexuality but since you said it first I just have to say that I totally agree! I’ve only watched a few eps of the show but I was 100% certain that Max Greenfield is gay. But he has a wife??? Actually, that was one of my issues with the show-the Schmidt character seemed so obviously gay that I couldn’t really buy him as a player type. Unlike say, Neil Patrick Harris’s character on How I Met Your Mother. Guess my gayday needs re-tuning!

      • Viv says:

        Exactly! Neil Patrick Harris rocks as Barney Stinson. He totally kills it – even better than Rupert Everett. If you want to shag a gay guy, you know he is an awesome actor.
        I really thought the obvious storyline for New Girl would be Schmidt finally coming to terms with his real gay destiny. Isn’t that gonna happen?

  23. fluffybunny says:

    What ruined this show for me was letting hysterical shippers chanting about how they “OMG WANT NICK N JESS 2GTHER RN” run the show. Why couldn’t she just live with three males without having to date one? Or why couldn’t she date Winston? Why couldn’t she just be independent? Or date someone she wasn’t roommates with?

    Anyhoodle, I’m with Kaiser, it’s irrational…but anything Goop likes, ugh. She some how just sucks the fun out of everything with her super smug powers of smugness.

  24. Kim says:

    Does Gwenyth realize he is bagging on her? If so then I truly appreciate that she can laugh at herself. If she doesnt know than I am scared for her if she really thinks he loves Goop and isnt making fun of it.

  25. Rachael says:

    If I have to see this site mess up the title of “New Girl” one more time I’m gonna go ballistic … I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. Probably because you always talk about how much you love the show, and yet you have no interest in learning the proper name of it.

    Although at this point I’m pretty convinced that you’re doing it on purpose just to irk your anal retentive readers (i.e. me). :-P Aggh.

  26. Grace says:

    He was also on Veronica Mars and I loved him on that! He was Veronica’s love interest for a split second and I liked him better than Logan or even Duncan!

  27. Lucy2 says:

    The show got so much better in the 2nd half of the season! I really like it.
    Goop liking it doesn’t ruin it, but she’d better not try to guest star…

  28. Leek says:

    I’ve grown pretty tired of all the Gwyneth hate. I get the GOOP newsletter and I have to say, as a single mom/bartender, she is great about sharing restaurants, sites, etc., that are friendly to my lower income. I don’t think she acts better than everyone else. She, in my opinion, acts like someone who has been fortunate in life but can still get down with the LES. Perhaps she is a bitch but if I were famous there would be a lot of soundbites I’d rather people not hear. Just because their celebs doesn’t mean they can no longer just be themselves.

    Also, when I refer to “celebs” I am referencing people who are actual artists, musicians, and actors. That does not reference the reality tv prossies who are merely seeking fame and notoriety. I also am not saying there isn’t a celebrity whom I don’t give the benefit of the doubt, however, she just seems too easy a target at this point. My only complaint is that her fashion sense has gone a bit more juvenile and it’s less exciting to see her clothing choices these days.

  29. Lauren says:

    Goops face looks strange. Pointy chin, nose job, just tight looking–like Madonna. Her forehead wrinkles are brutal. I do not look this weathered, and I am a 44 year old suburban mom.

  30. Jordan says:

    Can GOOP not get a role in a movie anymore? And she can’t say it’s because she wants to stay home with the kids when she is always seen running around the globe, following Beyonce/Jay-Z, etc.

  31. Marianne says:

    I know this is EXTREMELY nitpicky…but why do you keep calling it THE New Girl? There is no THE in the title.

    Sorry. That just bugs me.

  32. Ally says:

    I do really like the series, but I think of it as The Schmidt Show. He’s amazing. It’s one of the absurd idiocies of the show that everyone acts like he’s repulsive when he’s charming, good-looking and the breakout star of the show.

    Nick is a whiny loser. Winston is forgettable (I’m not even sure that’s the character’s name.) It’s bizarre that we’re supposed to root for Nick and Jess to get together; it’s like rooting for 90s Winona and Ethan all over again. I think the most age-inappropriate aspect of this 31-year-old woman is her apparent attraction to a resentful semi-employed depressive — right after she got dumped by his schmo doppelgänger.

    That said, besides the awesome that is Schmidt, the show has some of the most exhilaratingly realistic, earnest yet silly guy argument/fight scenes since Daniel Cleaver and Mr. Darcy had a punch-up in the fountain.

    I won’t let the goopy goose ruin it for me (I’m thinking of her nasal honk)! It is typical Gwynnie arrogance, though, not to be content to watch the show — she got her agent to get his coordinates so she could patronize him directly.

  33. GirlyGirl says:

    She single handedly ruined Iron man 2 as well

    wait, no, Jon Favreau’s shitty directing helped.

  34. JessSaysNo says:

    I love the show so much but its “New Girl” not “The New Girl”!!