Simon Cowell thinks Lauren Silverman is a brilliant music producer too

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The problem is never that I cannot picture Simon Cowell in sexual situations. The problem is that as soon as I see a photo of him, my dirty mind immediately begins to picture his hairy moobs glistening with sweat and massage oil, bouncing rhythmically as he groans to completion. YOU ARE WELCOME. This is what I live with. That is the image I deal with every time I write about Simon Cowell. I don’t know what’s wrong with me (but I’m absolutely positive there IS something wrong with me). And imagine this – what if you were Lauren Silverman and you had been boning him undercover for years? What if you were actually intent on having those bouncing moobs on you for the rest of your life? Gross, right? I mean, what’s wrong with HER?

Anyway, these are new photos of Lauren and Simon at The Ivy over the weekend. She’s still pregnant and I can feel Simon’s interest in her waning by the minute – he just seems like that kind of guy. Still, Simon can’t dump her yet. That would look horrible. So he has to play along and act like this is the best thing ever:

Their secret affair was uncovered when Us Weekly revealed news of her pregnancy, but now Simon Cowell says “life is fantastic” with girlfriend Lauren Silverman.

“Even with all the drama, this year has been incredible,” Simon says. “I said to Lauren last night, ‘I can’t believe how much has happened.’ I never thought I’d be a father.”

And their collaboration extends to the recording studio, adds Simon: “She brilliant because she gets what my job is and has a great ear. So when I’m choosing a single, I send her tracks and we agree. You have to work with your partner.”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

Yes, I’m sure she’s “brilliant” at music producing. Lord, do we really have to pretend that this is a normal relationship? The thing is that Simon and Lauren have known each other for years and they’ve been sleeping with each other for years – how is it possible that they still have new stuff to learn about each other?

Oh, and it’s not like Simon has called it quits with any of the ladies in his harem either – he just celebrated his birthday with his exes (and no Lauren).

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Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

 

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22 Responses to “Simon Cowell thinks Lauren Silverman is a brilliant music producer too”

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  1. Jacqueline says:

    That second sentence is like anti-pr0n. Thanks, that’s the mental image I TOTALLY needed this morning. Going to be sick!

  2. DailyNightly says:

    Simon does not strike me as someone who wants to hear anyone elses opinion on choosing music.

  3. Elisabeth says:

    they break up the minute the umbilical cord is cut

  4. Christin says:

    He’s just playing the game. I don’t believe for a moment he’s ecstatic and/or changing his ways.

  5. Belle Epoch says:

    Really, how stupid does he think we are? He’s really overdoing the “Lauren is wonderful” and “Lauren is my partner” bullshit.

    WHERE IS HER SON? I feel terrible for that child. Mommy left you so she could have sex and get more bucks with an ugly man in California. Great priorities, Mom.

  6. Kimberly says:

    Simon, ignore the tasteless women on this site. I and millions of women think you are gorgeous and the whole reason to watch any show you’re on! Of course, they’ll start shrieking now. Let them. Those of us with brains and taste know better.

  7. MellyBee says:

    Kaiser, I am your girl! I regularly and emphatically praise the Celebitchy site, and THIS is how you repay me??!? I actually like Simon’s ascarbic wit, and now him during “completion”. Ugh, I don’t know. . I’m ruined! ;0

  8. Jayna says:

    I love Simon. I can’t help myself. He was hotter years ago, not so much now. But I still adore his sarastic wit.

    I don’t think he’s getting bored with her at all. He said back in April he would like a girlfriend, that he missed having a girlfriend. His girlfriends have always been longterm girlfriends. He keeps them for years before breaking up. He just has a little side action to relieve the boredom but likes the consistency of a main relationship. I do believe he is excited about the baby, though.

  9. Virgilia Coriolanus says:

    Ugh, Simon you are so gross, and tacky. Just, ugh.

  10. madchen says:

    This is a major, ‘let’s convince the little people of our commitment’, photo op. The Ivy on Robertson is practically a parking lot for paps. There’s no reason to go there if you’re well known unless you need/want to have your picture taken and widely disbursed. Simon’s publicist just earned her $5000 a month by setting up the shot, writing the quote, getting Simon’s approval and then sending it out over PR wire.

  11. Dita says:

    LOL @ the person who said the tasteless woman on this site. Sorry that just cracked me up. I don’t find him sexy sorry I don’t.

    Sigh….this just seems so forced. But hey maybe he’ll prove us all wrong and marry her. LOL

  12. Bridget says:

    If you’ve already got a squad of girlfriends, it’s not like the next one needs to be the love of your life.

  13. birdy says:

    This is really starting to look like the 2013 version of Mel Gibson / Oksana Grigorieva relationship. Simon can’t do anything with originality can he? This is simply another case of a very rich man knocking up a brunette gold digger who previously had a child with someone wealthy but not as much as the new guy and she just happens to have an “talent” in the music industry that the new guy can “help” promote then pay a big settlement to with a iron clad confidentially agreement once he gets bored with her or she doesn’t lose the baby fat in a month. Only difference here is that she was the married one, not the very rich man.

    Bored of it already. Next. I do love that Simon is famewhoring this shamelessly though.