Lindsay Lohan claims her laptop was ‘stolen’ at the Shanghai airport, of course

LL2

As we covered, Lindsay Lohan was in Shanghai earlier this week for some fashion award event. I theorized that she was probably paid a decent amount (low six figures, I’m thinking) to fly to Shanghai and receive an award. There was probably the basic appearance fee, plus the organizers probably had to shell out for Lindsay’s first class plane ticket AND her first-class hotel accommodations. If I was organizing the event, I would not think it was worth it, even if Lindsay was on her best behavior. Because there is NO “best behavior”. Lindsay lives and breathes crack drama, 24/7. So of course there was crack drama on this trip. Apparently, Lindsay’s “laptop” was “stolen” and now someone has their hands on lots of naked photos of the Cracken. Of course.

You want to see Lindsay Lohan naked? That’s what she’s afraid of … because we know what’s in her stolen computer.

Lindsay claims her computer was stolen at the airport in Shanghai, China, and she’s offering a reward for its return. In a move showing an utter lack of sophistication, Lindsay isn’t specifying how much she’ll give … she’s saying, “Whatever it takes.” Translation: A lot.

Why, you ask, is she so freaked out? We’ve learned she had a bunch of nude photos of herself. She claims they’re all from various photo shoots that were never supposed to be released. Again, when an actress is asked to take her clothes off, usually no good comes from that.

And there’s more … We’re told Lindsay claims she has “private correspondence” from a bunch of famous people, including Woody Allen and Lady Gaga, that she wants to keep under wraps.

We pressed on whether there were selfies but got no answer … so we’re guessing there are.

[From TMZ]

The only names she could come up with were “Woody Allen” and “Lady Gaga”? What, she’s not in constant communication with her sober friend Tom Hardy? Or her partying friend Robert Pattinson? She’s not emailing John Travolta? Just Woody and Gaga? And even then… I doubt Woody is emailing back. And LL and Gaga probably share at least one dealer.

As for the naked photos… how stupid. In any possible explanation, that’s just stupid to have a cache of naked photos OF YOURSELF on an unsecure laptop that you travel with internationally. STUPID.

Would you like some Crack Mad Libs for this situation? Of course you would. I’m doing two versions!

Option #1: The Cracken claims something has been stolen.

Lindsay Lohan threw her ___ across the ___. She was already howling: “______!! I can’t believe I lost my ____!!” A police officer entered the ___. “____?” he asked the Cracken. Lindsay stomped her ___ and pouted her ___ lips. “I don’t have documentation because _____. You don’t even know how many ____ photos there are on ____. Would you like a preview?” The cop demurred. “No, ma’am. I’m ____,” he told her. Lindsay began wailing again: “____!”

Option #2: The Cracken’s emails to Woody Allen.

Dear Woody, I hear you have a new ___. I want to be involved! Should I ___? Or do you just want me to ___ your ___? If you don’t give me ___, I will come to your house and ____ . Kisses to Soon-Yi!!”

LL1

LL3

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, LL’s Istagram.

 

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40 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan claims her laptop was ‘stolen’ at the Shanghai airport, of course”

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  1. don't kill me i'm french says:

    Karmab**ch or RP stunt ?

  2. Nicolette says:

    I call PR stunt. She’s not getting enough attention to suit her ego these days. Her career isn’t exactly flourishing, so she needed something to get her in the media. Thing is LiLo, I doubt many people want to see you naked.

  3. LadyMTL says:

    Didn’t she pose in Playboy a few months back? So who the eff would care about more naked pics of some washed up actress? *Shrugs and goes back to work*

  4. smee says:

    The body language translation for putting your fingers in your mouth indicates that you’re under pressure and need reassurance. And it’s gross and unhygienic. Also, why post a photo taken in an restroom? She’s a mess.

  5. wellsie says:

    Filthy fingers in mouth = not sexy.

    Please stop.

  6. GIRLFACE says:

    Everyone who wants to see LiLo naked has had the opportunity to do so. Hasn’t she been naked in lots of movies and posed for Playboy? No one cares.

  7. blue marie says:

    Ahh come on, put it away. No one wants to see that mess. So.. I give it a day or two before the “thief” unleashes the naked Cracken..

  8. msw says:

    Heh. I can laugh at this one. at least for once, its only her drama and she’s not hurting anybody else by it. Yet.

  9. TG says:

    It always amazes me how a celeb who is an absolute joke in the States can get work and attention in another country. Makes me wonder about the foreign celebs we love over here who might be hated and despised in their homeland.

  10. lovegossipbutnotL&E says:

    She’s lying. She will release them herself. Ew!! :-!

  11. Ag says:

    If these thieves actually existed, the joke would be on them – they’d have to look at pictures of the naked Cracken. But my guess is there was no theft and she’s going to “leak” the pictures herself.

    And I bet she was in shanghai entertaining rich gentlemen. Aka “fashion award.”

  12. swack says:

    There’s another story on ROL saying she didn’t tweet and that there are extortionists trying to get money from her for the laptop.

    • Bridgett says:

      I lile JSJ’s guess that she has info on the laptop about her dealer and her johns – stuff that would be seriously embarrassing if it came out, especially since she’s trying to put forward this new leaf narrative.

      She’s had good work done to try to fix her face. She looks closer to her age again.

  13. Sixer says:

    Ok. Owl and the Pussycat version.

    Lindsay Lohan threw her BONG TREE across the BEAUTIFUL PEA GREEN BOAT. She was already howling: “OWL!! I can’t believe I lost my PUSSY!!” A police officer entered the CRACKEN’S DREAMSCAPE. “PIGGY-WIG HAS IT?” he asked the Cracken. Lindsay stomped (on) her RUNCIBLE SPOON and pouted her MINCED QUINCE lips. “I don’t have documentation because IT WAS STOLEN BY THE TURKEY WHO LIVES ON THE HILL. You don’t even know how many PEA GREEN photos there are on THERE, EVEN BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON. Would you like a preview?” The cop demurred. “No, ma’am. I’m NOT INTO NONSENSE VERSE,” he told her. Lindsay began wailing again: “WHERE’S MY LEAR JET? LEAR JETS ARE ALWAYS ON MY RIDER!”

  14. Kiddo says:

    shang·haiedshang·hai·ing
    Full Definition of SHANGHAI
    a : to put aboard a ship by force often with the help of liquor or a drug

    Can’t help but find some humor in this.

  15. Ruyana says:

    Um, excuse me…isn’t *her* laptop the one she “liberated” from Chateau Marmont?

  16. here's Wilson says:

    man is she looking haggard…I mean I’m actually shocked each time I see her as if I don’t know how rough and old she looks…

    and I’m finally tiring of her too…I think unless she od’s, she no longer interests me…. not that I want harm to come to her, but ol linds and her tricks have become a bore…

  17. Dragonlady sakura says:

    Lilo couldn’t pay her dealer, so he confiscated her lap top upon payment.

  18. bluhare says:

    Lindsay Lohan threw her ratty weave across the nightclub. She was already howling: “Vitwal!! I can’t believe I lost my TMZ contact!!” A police officer entered the VIP Area. “You had an in with TMZ?” he asked the Cracken. Lindsay stomped her cigarette out on his shin and pouted her fat lips. “I don’t have documentation because rehab took it. You don’t even know how many TMZ paid photos there are on my website . Would you like a preview?” The cop demurred. “No, ma’am. I’m not allowed to drink on duty,” he told her. Lindsay began wailing again: “Vitwal!! FInd it!”

  19. The Original G says:

    Crack shenanigans. There, I said it!

    BTW, who is extorting whom here?

  20. Samtha says:

    Her entire face looks different in those pics of her in the black dress. Her chin area is completely different. What did she do?

  21. Jem says:

    I think she should be more concerned about her lost self-respect, dignity, and well, fill in the blank. I think a cache of naked pictures of her unleashed on the world is the least of her problems at this point, and frankly wouldn’t “shock” anybody either. Meh.

  22. nicegirl says:

    This is horrible, but it has me wondering whether or not she is worried about something else coming to light – like, what if she is worried that someone else could/will/has the ability/goods to release photos (or worse, video) that she allowed to be taken of her, um, recently? Maybe on said trip to Shanghai? Could she be freaking out that images she knew she was posing for (with or without others) are in the hands of another (whom she already gave the goods to thinking they were for private use – and now she understands they mean to use the goods for profit) and this cover story has been created to head off the expected release? Hmm . . .

  23. St says:

    You forgot to add that Deadline says that “OWN Sets Lindsay Lohan Reality Series Premiere For March 9″. Finally. They even have promo description on their site. You have to read how OWN describes it:

    ““Lindsay”
    Premiering Sunday, March 9 at 10 p.m. ET/PT

    The highly anticipated OWN documentary series “Lindsay,” directed by Emmy-nominated filmmaker Amy Rice (“By The People: The Election of Barack Obama” ), follows movie star and media sensation Lindsay Lohan on her journey through recovery following a very public period of crisis. Lindsay is one of the most talented young actresses of her generation, boasting an impressive list of credits (“The Parent Trap,” “Mean Girls,” “A Prairie Home Companion” ). Having had her career and personal life sidelined by her public struggles, Lindsay is strikingly candid about her life and is more determined than ever to get back on her feet. In this honest, no-holds-barred account, viewers will see an intimate, unflinching look into the life of one of the world’s most sought-after celebrities. Cameras follow Lindsay as she returns to New York, reunites with friends and family, and attempts to build a new life. As she works to stay on track amid the demands (and pitfalls) of fame, she opens up as never before, discussing everything from her emotional recovery process to her exhausting run-ins with the paparazzi. The series is produced with OWN by Pilgrim Studios and is executive produced by Craig Piligian, Nicholas Caprio and Johnny Gould. Amy Rice, Ralph Wikke and Mitch Rosa are co-executive producers”.

    http://www.deadline.com/2014/01/own-orders-another-tyler-perry-scripted-series-sets-lindsay-lohan-reality-series-premiere/#comments

    • Jem says:

      Thanks for the links. It’s wild stuff, non?

      As for these passages:

      “….highly anticipated…”
      “…one of the most talented young actresses of her generation…”
      “…more determined than ever to get back on her feet…”
      “…one of the world’s most sought-after celebrities…”

      My quesiton is, just how loaded was the author of this peice when they wrote it for OWN?

      Oh, wait… silly me… Answered my own question: Dina wrote it, right? Too obvious…

  24. St says:

    Sneak peek at Lindsay – OWN’s upcoming Lindsay Lohan docu-series set to premiere March 9:

    “There’s nothing left in having a drink for me. There’s no party I haven’t gone to, nobody I haven’t hung out with, no situation I haven’t been exposed to,” Lohan tells the camera as she swans here and there. “I don’t want them following me to an AA meeting,” she says of the paparazzi.

    Asked if she feels like a prisoner, she responds, “Yes – all the time.”
    Cut to Mom and Dad Lohan showing up for their close-ups. Mom is thrilled to have a camera trained on her as she gushes how happy she is that Lindsay is back in New York. Dad is the catalyst for one of those classic Lindsay “thing in my head says, ‘Oh, it’s time to sabotage” moment.

    See Lindsay get locked out of her apartment.
    See Lindsay’s sober coach says “um.. you know” when asked if Lindsay has remained sober.
    See Oprah heading to the rescue, being advised as she’s being driven sto the scene that Lindsay is not following the rules. “This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen and I believed differently. She doesn’t understand. This is her life – you think you have forever,” Oprah says.
    See Oprah tell Lindsay “My truth is I really do want you to win…but if that isn’t what you want I’m okay with that. I will tell these guys to pack up and leave today.”

    See Lindsay put on her contrite face and say, “I know this is my last shot at doing what I have to do.”

    http://www.deadline.com/2014/01/tca-own-sneak-peeks-lindsay-lohan-docu-series/

  25. Bread and Circuses says:

    She probably lost it and immediately decided it was stolen, because ‘persecution complex’ is her default state.

  26. jwoolman says:

    The replies to her e-mails were all:

    Return to Sender – Addressee unknown

    She’s always having something stolen on these trips. Did she say there was $10,000 in cash on the keyboard? That’s usually the missing amount.