Ricky Gervais is a crazy, hilarious genius. He plots and plots away in his lair, which I think is probably a nice rental in Los Angeles. What is he plotting, dare you ask? He’s plotting a way to get rid of both Victoria “Posh” Beckham and Paris Hilton.

Ricky was really upset that not only is Paris Hilton filming her horrid BBF show in London, she actually dared to buy a house in London, not far from Ricky’s house. Ricky feels that this insult to his country is some sort of cosmic payback for America accepting Posh into our hearts and our country.

Attempting to rectify the situation, Ricky wrote an open letter to President Obama on his blog, This Side of Truth, with a proposal for sending both of the paparazzi targets back to their home countries. Here’s the letter, in it’s entirety.

Dear Mr President,

Firstly, congratulations on your historic win. I have never been so behind a candidate for what must be considered the boss of the world.

You seem to be a man of grace and integrity, who would never shirk responsibility in any way.

I’ll get to the point.

As I’m sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don’t have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public.

Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let’s cut the “it’s a free country” nonsense and come to some agreement.

I propose an exchange.

This is how it would work. We call them both and tell them that we’ve found a giant “paparazzi nest”, in New York say. (half way home for both of them already)

At first they may be confused that they’d never heard of such a thing before, but the thought of that many photographers in one place will be irresistible.

Once we get them there, while they are having their photos taken (we will have hire a few guys with cameras to make it look good) we will swap their limos around. It’s fool proof.

This is a covert operation of which Mr Gordon Brown knows nothing. (I’ve got him working on finding a synthetic fur for The Queen’s guards’ bearskin hats.)

Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest.

Thank you,
Ricky Gervais

From Ricky Gervais’s This Side of Truth blog

I had a great time reading Ricky’s blog – he does weekly posts and of course, all of the material is the kind of profane genius that loses something in translation. There’s another kind of covert operation not mentioned by Ricky – to get Gervais to host the 2010 Oscars. Brilliant.

Ricky Gervais is shown on 1/11/09 at the Golden Globes and on 1/7/09 with his partner Jane Fallon outside The Late Show. Credit: WENN