If you don’t know the name Jonathan Cheban, God bless you. Cheban is best known as a sort of “professional friend” to the Kardashian family, mostly to Khloe and Kim. He’s had “real jobs,” of course, with vague titles like “businessman” or “entrepreneur” or “restaurateur.” But he’s a Professional Friend. He vacations with the Kardashians, he’s acted as Kim’s spokesperson (and hitman) in the past and Kourtney has even bitched him out on-screen. Well, Cheban is now a big enough celebrity in his own right that he merits a glowing profile in the new issue of New You. And it is full of stupidity. Some highlights:

On the misconceptions people have about him: “People are like, oh, you just hang out with Kim all day. No, I’m working on 39 businesses. It drives me nuts. I’ve been working since I was a kid. I had my own company when I was 23 years old, worked with Diddy and J. Lo and Mariah and did a million events with them.”

On his friendship with Kim Kardashian: “When you are best friends with the most famous girl in the world, its like being best friends with Marilyn [Monroe]. People are infatuated and obsessed.”

On why he believes Kim is still relevant: “Everyone wants to be like Kim even if they aren’t gorgeous. They will try in their own version to dress like her. She’s very aspirational because she is a regular girl; she’s not a movie star. There are more seasons of the Kardashians than I Love Lucy. She’s a TV star. This also drives me nuts about people saying, ‘Why is she famous?’ If you have a TV show for 20 seasons in 180 countries, you would be famous as well, but you do not.”

Discussing Kanye’s inspiration on his new clothing line, Moves: “He is a genius. Kids have been dressing like Kanye for the past four or five years and it’s now becoming mainstream to the point where American Apparel and H&M are doing the long shirts and his type of sweatshirts. His sneakers are revolutionary…I can get inspired from [the younger generation] because they are in the streets, not older people who have knowledge which is useless now. It’s all about social media and [Kanye] has made the streets most relevant.”

On his latest project, developing the pop culture program for the International School of New York in Trump Towers: “Wealthy kids from all over the world will learn things about private aviation, social media, quality of diamonds, types of caviar, mixed in with economics and other fundamental undergrad and grad classes. This is the social stuff you need to know to survive in a city like this with a lot of money. If you are buying a diamond you need to know the clarity and if you are buying a private jet you need to know the different leathers and seats. I’ll basically be the Dean of Pop Culture at the school.”

Cheban discusses his TV show in development (think a modern day version of Robin Leach’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, except the twist is gaining access to some of the more attainable luxuries of the celeb set): “Did you ever watch Guy Fieri’s show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? This is the opposite. People want to know where Beyoncé sits at a hot restaurant. It’s not about billion dollar houses; no one cares about that. They want to know where the hot stuff is and nobody knows better than me. I live it!”

[From New You]

The idea of Jonathan Cheban acting as “dean” of “pop culture for the wealthy” has the weird result of raising my proletariat hackles AND my snob hackles. My snob hackles say: if you need to take a class on what kind of caviar to eat or what kind of diamond to buy, you are hopelessly nouveau riche and you should find a better use of your time and money (p.s. crack open a book or just spend a few hours on Wikipedia). My proletariat hackles say: this is peak one-percent talk and we need to burn the system to the ground. Starting with Trump Towers’ International School of Rich Douchebags or whatever.

Photos courtesy of Fadil Berisha/New You.