The ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ trailer is here and it is a dumpster fire

Republican National Convention in Cleveland

You guys know that I love Agatha Christie adaptations, right? Like, I’m obsessed with Miss Marple. I will literally watch any TV or film adaptation of an Agatha Christie book, especially if it involves Miss Marple. I want to BE Miss Marple. Miss Marple was my gateway drug to Christie’s Poirot stories, and for me, the gold-standard adaptation of any Poirot story will star David Suchet as Poirot, the uptight Belgian detective living in England in between World Wars. Suchet’s Poirot is amazing, and Suchet completely owns that f–king character, let’s be real. So… already, I was not happy that they were doing another remake of Murder on the Orient Express, one of Christie’s most famous books and arguably the most famous of the Poirot mysteries. Suchet already did the TV movie and it was GREAT. This whole time, I thought Johnny Depp would be playing Poirot and I was ready to burn the world to the ground. But no – Kenneth Branagh plays Poirot. I think Depp is the murder victim. The trailer was just released.

The cast is lit, for sure. On that score, it’s fine. It doesn’t seem like anyone is particularly badly cast – I even think Penelope Cruz playing the role made famous by Ingrid Bergman will probably be a huge success. That being said, I feel like this is going to be really messy. I hate Branagh’s accent work here AND his mustache. And the music cue is f–king awful. Whoever cut this trailer needs to be out of work, very soon.

Also: please read this excellent analysis questioning why Johnny Depp still gets so much work. It’s a riddle without a real answer.

Republican National Convention in Cleveland

Photos courtesy of 20th Century Fox.

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60 Responses to “The ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ trailer is here and it is a dumpster fire”

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  1. third ginger says:

    Too bad. I love Sir Kenneth [best Henry V ever!]

  2. SusanneToo says:

    Who asked for this? Really?

    And HTH can it cost $5M to shoot ashes out of a cannon?

    I do love this line, though.
    “If you have a certain type of eccentric, larger-than-life character, and you need to make him work within the constraints of a blockbuster that will play as well in China as it does Ohio — in other words, a character who’s weird, but not weird enough to be played by Joaquin Phoenix — Depp is probably your guy.”

  3. KatM says:

    I love Agatha Christie as well and I agree this looks awful based on the trailer. The trailer would be a lot more effective as well without the loud modern music and the stupid blue subtitles. “Evil Under the Sun” is still one of my favorite movies with Peter Ustinov as Poirot.

    • Becky says:

      Suchet is great, but I also prefer the Ustinov versions.

    • Rey says:

      The trailer actually looked good until Branagh’s obnoxious moustache and soundtrack. I did not mind the subtitles that much.

      • maisie says:

        Yep. That mustache used to be called “mustachioed.” Good lord. It needs its own postal code. And the grey isn’t canon – think Poirot was well known for dyeing his hair and mustache.

        It’s a good cast, but I still like the Albert Finney film version best, if only for the pairing of Sean Connery and Vanessa Redgrave (who had excellent chemistry despite their, uh, disparate political stances). The Suchet version was OK, if a little frantic at the end. Did Peter Ustinov do a version of this? I only remember his Death on the Nile.

    • greenmonster says:

      I also love Peter Ustinov as Poirot. Watched “Evil under the sun” and “Death on the Nile” so many times (even as a kid). I know Utinov’s Poirot is different than the book character, but I just adore him. Same goes for Margaret Rutherford, who had not much in common with the written Miss Marple. Her portrayal of Miss Marple was feisty and strong and independent. I watch these movies over and over again, they never get old. My favorite scene is in “Murder Ahoy” when the Captain says to one of his male crew members “You are engaged? TO A WOMAN?” That line is hilarious!

    • Elisa the I. says:

      +1, there is only one Hercules Poirot and that’s Peter Ustinov. 😉 I also adore Margaret Rutherford, one of my favorites is Murder at the Gallop.

    • Marianne says:

      I love Agatha Christie – Miss Marple, Poirot, most of the novels (except Tommy and Tuppence aren’t really my cup of tea – too self-consciously plucky) – but, I don’t agree about this trailer. I think it looks great and I completely want to see the movie. Except, not really crazy about the mustache. I doubt very much Poirot would have allowed his mustache to be grey or so abundant. That is not in keeping with his controlled character and his vanity. Branagh looks like a demented doctor not a world famous detective. However, that’s not on the Trailer producer. Probably not a co-incidence that we see so little of Poirot in the trailer.

  4. Ceire says:

    Dumpster fire? That seems harsh.

    *checks byline*

    That makes sense.

  5. rachel says:

    The soundtrack is distracting. And Kenneth Branagh is too serious, I admire him for trying to do a belgium accent. I guess. Overall it’s goofy looking.

  6. Jegede says:

    Awww I hope this is good.

    The version with Albert Finney will ALWAYS be a benchmark – but I’m really looking forward to this.

    Peter Ustinov will always be my Poirot!

    • L84Tea says:

      The Albert Finney version is my all time fav and can never be surpassed because of the AMAZING cast from that film!!

    • zwella ingrid says:

      Albert Finney for the win. If you think anything else you are just plain wrong.

    • M.A.F. says:

      That is the only version I have seen and I quite like it.

  7. Lilly says:

    I think it looks fine. Doesn’t give much away (although most people know the story) which is rare for a trailer these days. Also phenomenal cast!

    I for one am pretty excited and will be seeing this in the cinema with my Poirot obsessed sister.

  8. slowsnow says:

    I LOVE Agatha Christie! That’s my go-to reading when I am stressed. Although there’s a murder, it’s incredibly soothing (I am sure someone is writing a PhD about the soothing quality of murder-solving books and films).
    But the only reason to do this is a) incredible stupidity in not realising that the only Poirot is Suchet. He is constantly described by Christie as a “ridiculous little man”. Same with Miss Marple. They DON’T LOOK THE PART and hence, are constantly underestimated. Here, I’d bang Poirot. And that is really not the point. It would be fine if we had enough anti-heroes in mainstream cinema. But we don’t.
    b) to introduce in the scenes everything Christie hints at but never explicitly shows. Homosexuality, sex, adultery, identity crisis for women, abuse etc. A sort of Christie porn if you will.
    This feels like a bland update with a stupid soundtrack.
    Blerghhhh.

  9. Noname says:

    Actually, it’s not a riddle with no real answer.. the article answers why Johnny Depp continues to get movie roles: Pirates of the Caribbean. Johnny Depp is Jack Sparrow and he pulls in the big bucks overseas. The movie has made $300 million already, domestically and internationally. That’s why he keeps getting roles despite his best efforts to kill it. If Disney continues to make these movies and make this kind of money off of it, then Depp will have a movie career.

    • Erinn says:

      Plus not to mention the non-movie profits. Merchandise. Updating the ride. You get shuffled off the ride and straight into the gift store if I remember correctly. So even if they movies cost a ton to make, they’re making crazy profit because it has so many other sources of revenue linked to it.

      • M.A.F. says:

        Exiting into the gift store isn’t new due to the films. It’s always been like that but yes, you now have movie merchandise tied into the ride and the ride reflects the movie.

  10. Chinoiserie says:

    You should not put spoilers in the article just in case.

    • Persian says:

      Depp’s character dies in the first act It’s the reason why its called : Murder on the orient express

    • Millie says:

      This story has been around forever though so does it really count as a spoiler. I thought by now most people would be familiar with it even if they have never read a single Agatha Christie story.

  11. homeslice says:

    If you love Christie, give Louise Penny’s Det. Gamache books a go. They are absolutely fabulous!

  12. Jenni says:

    As long as he stays the BLEEP away from the THIN MAN series! If this dirtbag touches my Nick and Nora I’m coming for him.

    • jetlagged says:

      And I’ll be right beside you howling with righteous fury. No one touches Thin Man and no one gets hurt.

      • third ginger says:

        What? No Chris Pratt and JLaw for Nick and Nora? LOL William Powell: there is no substitute!!

    • Scal says:

      OMG is that going to be a thing?! We named our dog Asta because we love those movies that much. I have the box set.

      William Powell and Myrna Loy or get out.

  13. Ana says:

    I get what you’re saying Kaiser, especially as an Agatha Christie fan myself. However, I plan to give this a very open minded shot because I think Kenneth Branagh is a fantastic actor and director. And I have to agree, why does Johnny Depp keep getting consistent work? It’s not like he can even sell a movie by himself anymore.

  14. Eleonor says:

    David Suchet is THE detective. Period.

    And Sir Branagh those moustache are ridicoulous.

  15. OTHER RENEE says:

    I’ve been obsessed with Agatha Christie since I was 12. That was over 40 years ago. There really can be no other Poirot after David Suchet.

    • Macko says:

      I totaly agree with you! I read almost all the books by Christie. Suchet is Poirot. After the TV adaptation with him I just do not see the point remaking this story again. Maybe in 20 years from now.

  16. thecookingpan says:

    Agreed his accent is appalling – it’s like a caricature of a French accent – bleh!!

  17. CommentingBunny says:

    NOPE.

    Poirot does not have a soul patch. His moustache was stiff and military, not exuberant and hipster. He would not countenance such mussed up hair. He’s a fussy little man with an egg shaped head topped by hair that he dyed black.

    David Suchet or GTFO.

  18. Rapunzel says:

    Christie expert here- there is NO WAY Poirot would a) have such a large, unkempt moustache or b) let his hair be grey! Poirot knew the value of hair dye, dangit!

  19. monette says:

    Marry me, Kaiser! :)) yes to every word you said. This looks ridiculously bad even without Mr I need money Deep ( he should totally tatoo that on his teeth like Flavor Flave).

  20. CM says:

    The Suchet version of this story is freaking fantastic, just the other day I rewatched it on FoxCrime, so I’m not sure why they thought this remake was necessary… Also what’s up with this Poirot’s mustache? It’s a bit too much in my opinion.

  21. Shaboo says:

    Am I the only one that thinks brannaghs accent is really good?

  22. Anguishedcorn says:

    I literally laughed out loud when Kenneth Branagh appears with that wet ferret on his face… and then the music hits. I was on board until that.

  23. Tina says:

    I am so disappointed. And we KNOW how to do good modern Agatha Christie. The BBC did a fabulous And Then There Were None one Christmas (after the dreadful David Walliams/Jessica Raine Tommy & Tuppence that I still haven’t forgiven). I am disappoint.

    • Deering says:

      1) Oh, man, ATTWN was fricken amazing. Arguably one of the best Christie adaptations ever. 2) I never was a Tommy and Tuppence fan, but the Walliams/Raine version was surprisingly bland and tedious.

  24. Molly says:

    I love KB, but this is weird casting for sure – although the ensemble is pretty appealing! I’ve gotta admit that it’s nice to see Depp clean at least.