Dr. Dre: ‘Any man who puts his hands on a female is a f–king idiot’

31st Annual Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony

Two summers ago, Dr. Dre and Ice Cube did a lot of press around the release of Straight Outta Compton, the bio-pic about the formation and early years of N.W.A. As I’ve said before, when I finally saw the movie, I was surprised by how much I liked it, and how several of the actors turned in really solid performances, especially Jason Mitchell as Eazy-E and Corey Hawkins as Dr. Dre. While the film depicted some real-life crap that the group went through, it also whitewashed some stuff. In particular, there was no mention of Dr. Dre’s history of abusing women during that exact time period.

During the promotion for the film, Dre was a man of few words for the most part… until he got called out for the film’s whitewashing of his violence against women. Dre ended up issuing a statement to the New York Times – go here to re-read it. He apologized, unequivocally, to the women he abused and assaulted, and he said that he has spent the past 19 years trying to be a better man and a man that doesn’t use violence to deal with his problems.

Well, Dr. Dre has a new project – HBO’s The Defiant Ones, which is about his post-NWA years, and his collaboration/partnership with Jimmy Iovine. Instead of just trying to whitewash his narrative (again), Dre is dealing with the abuse issue head-on in the series:

Dr. Dre is getting ahead of the story. After the famously private 52-year-old music producer came under fire for “Straight Outta Compton,” the biopic about N.W.A. that didn’t include any reference to Dre’s alleged assaults on women, he’s addressing his past in his latest project, HBO’s “The Defiant Ones,” which details Dre’s partnership with Jimmy Iovine.

“Any man who puts his hands on a female is a f–king idiot. He’s out of his f–king mind, and I was out of my f–king mind at the time,” he said in a clip from the docuseries. “I f–ked up. I paid for it. I’m sorry for it, and I apologize for it. I have this dark cloud that follows me, and it’s going to be attached to me forever. It’s a major blemish on who I am as a man.”

Dre, whose real name is Andre Romelle Young, was accused of assaulting ex-girlfriend Michel’le, journalist Dee Barnes and former label mate Tairrie B. Prior. Michel’le, with whom he shares a child, claimed the music producer left her with “black eyes, a cracked rib and scars” during their relationship. She detailed the abuse during an interview with “The Breakfast Club” in 2015.

“When he gave me my very first black eye, we laid in the bed and cried,” Dre’s ex-fiancée said on the morning show. “He was crying and I was crying because I was in shock, hurt and in pain. I don’t know why he was crying, but he said, ‘I’m really sorry.’ That was the only time he ever said he was really sorry. And he said, ‘I’ll never hit you in that eye again, okay?’”

Michel’le added that he kept that specific promise but ultimately struck her in other places on her body. “I have scars that are just amazing,” she told the show.

Prior, however, claimed Dre punched her in the face twice at a 1990 Grammys afterparty after he heard a song titled “Ruthless Bitch” in which she insulted him. The track was released on the album “The Power of a Woman,” which was part of Eazy-E’s (real name Eric Lynn Wright) label Ruthless Records. The alleged incident between Barnes and Dre took place at a 1991 party where he confronted her about a segment about N.W.A. that would be appearing on her show “Pump It Up!” He slammed “her face and the right side of her body repeatedly against a wall,” according to a statement released at the time.

Dre was charged with assault and battery, to which he pleaded no contest. He was sentenced to community service and probation, fined $2,500 and ordered to make a domestic violence PSA. A civil suit between Dre and Barnes was settled out of court.

[From Page Six]

Many, many years ago, I worked for a man who worked part-time as a counselor for men who had physically and/or emotionally abused their girlfriends or wives. Some of the dudes had been arrested for domestic violence. I always wondered – and I still wonder – if counseling, therapy and time can really change an abuser. Many people believe that abusers can change if they get the right kind of help, or they are taught how to change. Many people believe that abusers can never change. I still don’t know what to think. For Dre, was it like a light-switch? Did he suddenly have a come-to-Jesus moment twenty years ago where he suddenly realized that he shouldn’t punch women anymore? Does he still have a “switch”?

This bugged me too: “I have this dark cloud that follows me, and it’s going to be attached to me forever. It’s a major blemish on who I am as a man.” But shouldn’t that be the case? His actions altered the course of these women’s lives. I hope he DOES think about it every day, and that he asks for forgiveness over and over.

31st Annual Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony

Photos courtesy of WENN.

 

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76 Responses to “Dr. Dre: ‘Any man who puts his hands on a female is a f–king idiot’”

  1. Eva says:

    Of course abusers can change if they work on their anger issues and inner demons with the right kind of therapy and self reflection. IF they WANT to change and have the courage to face themselves (many don’t, unfortunately). It’s very dangerous to think someone who has made awful mistakes in the past is somehow “born” that way and thus “un-treatable”. We should always encourage people to try to work on their issues and change for the better. I truly hope Dre is one of those people who has decided to do the work.

    • Nyawira says:

      I agree. It is possible to change. With wife beaters in particular the problem does seem rooted in toxic masculinity. The stats clearly show that most of them grew up seeing that as a means to assert dominance. And were also never taught to properly channel anger. It’s really stupid to assume that people cannot grow when every single one of us has had to grow out of some toxic pattern at some point in ourselves. Perhaps it wasn’t an illegal pattern and didn’t physically harm another but the point is if we can change so can he.

      The only caveat to add is that You Are Not The Woman To Change Him. If he has hit you, your relationship is already soiled and his rehabilitation is therefore useless to you. Just leave.

    • HadToChangeMyName says:

      I think they eventually change with age. My dad was an alcoholic and an abuser, but my mom stayed with him. They’re still together 55 years later. He “changed” over the years in that he stopped drinking and physically abusing her. Now it’s primarily mental abuse. I think if someone wants to change, they can. I also think age (and generally getting physically weaker) can cause a physical abuser to stop, but underneath it all – without extensive therapy – they are still the same people.

      • Nyawira says:

        Yes you have to be weary of superficial change. One of my bfs brothers was physically abusive. He even served time in County. But while there he got diagnosed with ADHD. Apparently one of the symptoms is emotional dysregulation and especially rejection sensitivity, and he finally understood why he would go into blind rage. I’m told the meds and CBT calmed him down significantly. He now talks very openly about his emotional issues and he is trying to raise enough money to start a touring workshop aimed at young people. We think my bfs dad also had emotional dysregulation, which is a neurochemical issue and that combined with whatever he saw HIS dad do, turned him into a rage monster. Genuine change is possible when you get at the root.

    • FLORC says:

      All about wanting. For many imo it’s too easy to justify their behavior.

  2. detritus says:

    My friends ex went to one of those groups, with the intention of placating her and getting her bac. He dropped it immediately once it was clear they weren’t getting back together.

    He had a come to Jesus moment as well, many years later, but it wasn’t from these groups. It was when he realized he wasn’t going to get someone ‘better’ than my friend. So never was any of it ever motivated by her and how she felt, only when his violence harmed him did he care.

    I believe rehab works theoretically, if it works for murderers it works for abusers. In the cases I’ve seen personally it didn’t work, but they weren’t invested. Getting someone to truly want to change… that’s difficult. It has to come from them.

    • Sixer says:

      The main male sex offender treatment programme in prisons in the UK has just been dropped because it led to more re-offending than for those who did not complete a rehabilitation programme while inside. Turns out that the group sessions actually excited and inspired them. SIGH.

      Obviously not the same grouping as those implicated only in VAWG, but I think instructive?

      • detritus says:

        Thats one of the thoughts I had too. I think in these cases a specific power differential is needed. The open sessions where people can band together over bad behaviour with a moderator or clinician aren’t great for people who already don’t want to change (APD, NPD and the spectrum of behaviours that are similar but sub clinical).

        I cant imagine any sort of sharing of their crimes that would not be incendiary.

        There are studies showing that non-violent offenders put into prison become more violent. It seems to be conserved across a variety of ‘punishment’ methods. On the milder side, think of students banding together against ‘the man’, or the teacher.

        The Atlantic published a really interesting look into a rehab program for psychopaths. Excuse me if I’ve shared before, and it is a long read, but very interesting. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/06/when-your-child-is-a-psychopath/524502/

      • Sixer says:

        Ooh, off to read. Thanks.

        Exactly. As I see it, the problem is that men are raised under patriarchy to see women as objects in their identity. For the sub-clinical, any therapy focused on self actualisation won’t fix this. For the clinical, group work will exacerbate not ameliorate.

        It seems like common sense to me.

        It’s making me remember that Birth of a Nation guy from last year. His “realisation” with all the talk of wife and daughters was the equivalent of a boy who used to kick his dog learning that you shouldn’t be cruel to your pets. No epiphany that women are actual people, separate from his identity.

      • Blue says:

        Similar phenomenon at Narcotics Anonymous. Some members enter as relatively harmless pot smokers and leave to become injecting drug users because it’s normalized there.

    • Heather says:

      I hope some day we invent a therapy that allows men to go heal themselves BEFORE a relationship. As it is, having a relationship with a woman and taking out all your problems on her is the number one way men work through their issues and have epiphanies about how not to behave. It’s always after the fact, though.

      • detritus says:

        That truly is the dream.
        I would really like to see ‘healthy relationships’ become a mandatory health unit. Which would discuss how to recognize and avoid manipulative and emotionally damaging ways to deal with conflict, as well as ways to nurture relationships and how to end them maturely.

  3. Sixer says:

    Male pattern abuse is hard to rehabilitate, I agree. It should focus on making offenders see women (and all other people) as independent entities with rights and not as objects in the offender’s identity. Too often you see them saying that they’ve now got a wife and/or daughter, so they get it. No, they don’t. They still think the wife and/or daughter belong to them.

    • frisbee says:

      He’s calling women ‘females’ which always strikes me as making women ‘other’ as in different and too often lesser than. I agree with you I think the issue is much deeper than an individuals anger, on a societal level women have been treated as less than and ‘other’ for so long I fear it will take generations of constant battle to overcome.

      • Sixer says:

        Yes. Although I know next to nothing about him so am not going to say that definitively he hasn’t changed. He seems to be taking responsibility better than most going by what he is saying here but I agree the men v females language isn’t a good sign.

        I think therapeutic methods which focus on the menz healing themselves aren’t getting to the root of it. It’s not self-examination they need. It’s the ability to see other people as equally valid beings. They need to look OUT, not in.

      • jc126 says:

        I often have that thought too, frisbee. Not always when someone says “females” instead of women, but often; it’s like such a removed, distant way to talk about other people.
        Same with the “I had no regard for women and then I got married/had a daughter” – it’s like, didn’t you ever think about others’ feelings before it affected you?

      • detritus says:

        females makes it clinical, removing the emotional connection.
        Whenever a man says females, without specifying which species, I know he’s a) trying to appeal to other men b) divorced women from ‘people’ in his head

      • CityGirl says:

        frisbee ,jc126, detritus – I agree with everything you say. It’s unfortunate that many of today’s teen and young adult women think of themselves as females instead of young women. It’s commonplace and I for one have been looked at like I was a crazy lady for trying to illustrate how being referred to as females, devalues and invalidates and should not be part of their everyday vernacular and they should correct the young men (and young women) who do it.

      • Neo says:

        Thank you for the ‘debate’ comment. They do this in the army! Alright Men (long pause where speaker remembers their diversity training) and females.

        Say it with me, Sgt:
        Boys and girls
        Men and WOMEN
        MALES and females

    • detritus says:

      Exactly this.
      The abuse is just a symptom of the deeper issue. Seeing others as less than, or status symbols or not even as people, that’s MUCH harder to change.

      I’m torn on how this can be accomplished. The proof for positive reinforcement is there, but it requires having enough power to provide the carrot.

      • Sixer says:

        You don’t want them to say “I’m a much better person now that I don’t hit women”: you want them to say “Women are much better off now that I don’t hit them”.

        Like you, entirely unsure how to achieve this in a therapeutic environment. But I am sure it isn’t about personal growth, if you see what I mean!

    • adastraperaspera says:

      Yes. I agree with this and what you said above. Patriarchy is the systemic problem. For men, absolute power has corrupted absolutely. The damage to humanity from the many centuries of their dominion is incalculable. In every arena, women must continue to force the issue that we (and children of both sexes) are people, not things. Men will not give up power willingly, but I’m encouraged at how women have made inroads globally via suffrage and legislation. Our fight to eradicate patriarchy is really just beginning, and I believe the fate of the world depends on our victory.

  4. Guest says:

    I don’t believe him one tiny bit. He didn’t only hit one, he abused several women. Those guys have ego issues. Any guy who hits a woman should suffer as much as the woman. After finding out about his shit, I stopped buying his stuff.

  5. trollontheloose says:

    once they are part of the establishment, the very one they used to despise, but the very one they aim at they “turn a new leaf”: sorry I was f..ed up, I was a loser and this and that but very few things change. they still refer women as “the ho who did me, the slut who this and that”.. They still have their language and codes when they are amongst their “homies”.It’s easy to mea culpa when you have products to sell.

  6. Seraphina says:

    We all have regrets and mistakes in our lives. This one is pretty big and kept be swept under the carpet. I give him credit for trying to correct his past and owning up to those mistakes. He is a role model for many young men and he needs to put his best foot forward and be a man.

  7. Erinn says:

    I didn’t really take his comment as a “woe is me, I have a dark cloud unfairly attached to me”. I took it as a bit more reflective than that – like he’s aware of it constantly, and doesn’t think it should be just forgotten.

    Either way… I do appreciate that he’s talking about it – and telling people who admire him that it’s not at all okay. Do I think he’s some sort of saint for doing this? No. But I do think that it can be helpful when these big names do speak out against something.

  8. Shijel says:

    Classic “men” and “females” in the same sentence. It’s a small thing but it speaks loudly about the mindset.

    • frisbee says:

      Just said a similar thing upthread before I read your comment. My bullshit antenna rang bells at that point too.

    • BJ says:

      I don’t always agree with that.I know many men AND women who who are in my life who use the term “females”.In many communities it’s quite common.Personally I didn’t know some (not all) women had a problem with it until last year.I live in TX and it was just used at my family reunion by an aunt who is highly educated.She is a retired school principal,she has a couple of masters degrees and she was giving a family history and discussing the accomplishments of the “females”in our family.As in,”In 1917 our cousin was the first “female” in our family to graduate from college” At another point a cousin said , “Can I get a female to check to see if the restroom needs any supplies”.And no they didn’t use the term “males” to describe men or boys.

      So everybody doesn’t feel the same way about the term “females”.It’s OK if you are offended by the term.It’s not a big deal to me,it’s not a deal breaker.

      • KB says:

        I think it’s more common in the African American community as well

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        I’ve always been interested in where it originated. As in, when did people start to use it as a substitute for women? I don’t remember reading “female” 10 years ago. But I don’t live in an English speaking country. Whenever a term is “invented” for women (no, it’s not necessarily an invention as such but it’s a different way to refer to us) and not for men, I side-eye that hard. Because whenever men (and women) talk negatively about women, we all tend to not say women.

      • CityGirl says:

        Littlemissnaughty : My personal reference point to the everyday use of female instead of girl or woman, goes back 20 years. I mentioned this in an earlier comment to when I was trying to mentor a teenage girl/young adult.

      • Sami says:

        It started as slang from men in the penal system. If you are in a male correctional facility then the opposite sex is in the FEMALE correctional facility. Over time it became part of the lexicon.

        By the way, it is actually used as a formal and even respectful term. I think the people who use it would be shocked that some take offence to it. If you see the word used with no malice intended plus you are not tuned to seek nuance in how its used in formal white conversations and you hear it used by “respectable whites” on TV shows you watch (“the perp is female”), why would you think theres any problem with it?

  9. Crumpet says:

    Abusers can change. It sounds like he has taken responsibility (at least he knows the right things to say now). But change is hard, and it means taking a good hard look at how you were raised – why do you turn to abuse when you become angry with your spouse? Probably because he learned it from his own father, or father figure. Breaking the cycle of abuse means admitting it is wrong and learning to re-channel your anger (rage) to whom it really belongs (often time undealt with issues in the past heap fuel to the fire) and learning how to express it verbally in a non-abusive manner.

    • Saucy says:

      First time poster (long time lurker) on this site: like others I grew up in an abusive household. My father was/is an abusive man. Like another poster said, with age, he stopped abusing my mom physically but it’s now just mental/emotional. My mom would never leave him because culturally it’s not an option and I respect her decision although it pains me greatly. However, no way was my father abused himself or had a poor role model. His father was a model father and husband. My father was/is just a Class A douche…

  10. KB says:

    I wondered the same thing watching Big Little Lies. I figured some men can stop hitting women in future relationships as they get older and mellow out, but I wondered if any had been able to break the cycle of abuse in an existing relationship. Has any man ever made good on the “I’ll never hit you again” promise?

    • Bethy says:

      Why should any woman give a man a pass just because he’s older and mellowed out? My dad is in his 80s and still verbally abuses his family. He beat my mother during their marriage. When I was a teenager, doing typical teenage things like skipping curfew, my father punched me (in front of my grandparents and best friend) when I came in late. I moved out the next day.

      Of course he begged forgiveness and I went back. Six months later, he choked me. When I stopped crying, I told him flat out, “you ever put your hands on me again, I’ll shoot you with your own gun.” That was 35 years ago, he’s never touched me since. Verbal abuse? Yeah, but I hang up on him now. It only took me 15 years of therapy to realize my father is a jerk. Him? He’ll never get it and while Dre is saying all the rights words, I don’t think he’ll ever understand the damage he’s already done to those women.

      • KB says:

        I’m not sure if you misread my comment or are just projecting or what. I never said it’s okay or gave anyone a pass. My point was maybe some men have been physically abusive to a woman in the past but grew out of it and were able to change in future relationships – not those where he has already hit the woman. I didn’t say it was all cases or that the previous abuse was okay.

        I specifically said I’d never heard of anyone being able to stop the cycle of abuse once it’s already started in a relationship. It sounds like your father was unable to stop his abuse, which was my intended point.

  11. Honey says:

    Any man who puts his hands on a woman is more than a fucking idiot. Even more disgusting if it was more than a one time thing that he did to multiple women. Any kind of abuse is something I would never forgive. I’m not sure if therapy would work for all abusers, but it’s better to admit he needed help and try than just ignore the problem.
    I never liked NWA. As a black woman, I found their lyrics awful, violent, and shameful

  12. Nicole says:

    They can change if they address the underlying issue. If it’s prior abuse themselves, seeing their mothers abused, toxic masculinity,etc can all be addressed in therapy.
    My problem with Dre is the first apology came after the movie. He never said anything to the woman he abused for almost 20 years. It took a movie to say something. I find that cowardly

    • BritAfrica says:

      I agree Nicole.

      To me, his apology appears to be about his business activities. Not a word or acknowledgement of his actions for years – until the women started to talk.

      Is the absence of knowledge of a crime, actual absence of that crime? My view is that, in his head the DV did not happen until the women said it did.

      If it had all happened in private, I strongly believe that those women would have been called liars.

      But I could be wrong…

    • CityGirl says:

      He never said anything to the women (multiple) he abused for almost 20 years. Agreed – he only publicly denounced his previous behavior because of the negative publicity from the movie and the backlash that ensued. When it potentially cost him money and image points.

    • Tiffany :) says:

      I do like that they interviewed Dee Barnes in this documentary, and let her speak at length. I also think it is very important that they included that it wasn’t just her body physically that suffered. Her career suffered from this, as if she was the one that did something wrong. I am glad they included this.

  13. WTF says:

    I encourage everyone to look up the details on his assault of Dee Barnes. It was actually pretty horrific. He chased her into a bathroom and his boys held the door shut while he beat her. She is a tiny woman too.

    I am not buying this New man crap at all. He left it out of the movie, and he never speaks her name or apologizes directly to her.

  14. Aims says:

    I’m torn on this one . I think people can change if they know there’s a problem (one time would be a problem ). However , it’s a rarity . More times then not abusers feel absolute remorse after a physical abuse and they swear it will never happen again , until it happens again . It also brings to mind when children are raised in an abusive home they can go to ways, they can be ultra sensitive to any sort of disruption, or argument and they run for the hills, or they can become abusive , repeating the cycle . I want to believe Dre that he’s a changed man. He is extremely private and there hasn’t been any news about his abuse in many years. That doesn’t mean he’s stopped , his wife might be covering for him, I’m not saying she is, I don’t know . I would be in my personal hell, knowing that at one time I hurt another person. I am hopeful that he is talking about it, instead of sweeping under the rug. That’s encouraging .

  15. PettyRiperton says:

    Did he apologize to those women privately or just through a statement?
    This would’ve been nice if they would’ve touched on it in SOC to show this is who he was and he owns it no excuses but didn’t.

  16. Franny says:

    I think his real intentions will show through by the way he handles the storyline. If he tries to paint her as the one who provoked him and goes heavily into his own victimhood, then his apology is bs. I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt since his public apology doesn’t hedge at all. The abusers I’ve known would never admit publically or even to family that they were wrong. They also didn’t have a movie to sell, however…

    • CityGirl says:

      Franny – They also didn’t have a movie to sell, however…

      Boom

    • Tiffany :) says:

      “If he tries to paint her as the one who provoked him and goes heavily into his own victimhood, then his apology is bs.”

      The documentary shows how she did an interview with the remaining members of NWA, and the she did another interview with Ice Cube, a portion of which was inserted when the NWA interview aired. The doc painted the reason behind the assault as him just being pissed about this and raging out of control. IMO, it didn’t suggest that she did anything wrong. Dee is in the doc, too.

  17. FMFT says:

    Sometimes men resort to violence because they struggle with anger management issues. Meaning they do not have the ability to regulate their emotions and appropriately express anger. Other times, men engage in violent acts toward a romantic partner but not others, which demonstrates issues with power and control. Finally, men can also use violence in an instrumental manner, meaning they use it purposefully to achieve a personal goal. This is often seen with individuals that have larger patterns of criminality and antisocial traits. These types of violence are different and are addressed differently in treatment. Think about diagnosing and treating the underlying cause of a headache: one might be caused by dehydration and require a pain reliever and glass of water, another might indicate a migraine disorder and require a prescription medication, and another might indicate a brain tumor and require surgery. They represent varying levels of severity and need to be addressed differently. Saying someone who is violent can’t change is neglecting to examine the cause of the violence and that individual’s receptivity toward change. Anger management issues are the lowest level of risk and require less treatment as they relates to skill deficits (i.e., emotional regulation and communication skills). Treatment focuses on helping individuals learn healthier ways of identifying, managing, and expressing their emotions. Typically treatment spans a couple of months of once a week sessions. Domestic violence and instrumental violence both highlight unhealthy beliefs that impact the way an individual sees the world and interacts with others, in addition to skills deficits. Treatment can be effective to help restructure these beliefs and develop healthier skill sets, yet this often requires several months to a year of weekly sessions. Even those resistant to treatment may benefit if they are required to participate as they tend to internalize some treatment concepts and skills over time through repeated exposure. They also benefit from group setting where other men with similar issues can challenge their beliefs and actions. They didn’t develop these beliefs and habits overnight so takes time and effort to change them but it is possible.

    • detritus says:

      This is a very good description of the underlying reasons why a person would turn to violence and the differences needed in treatment based on the underlying condition.

      I wonder if staggered sessions, where the people participating are at various levels of change, is better or worse? Having an example of change to show it is positive and possible could be powerful.

      • FMFT says:

        Open-ended groups, or staggered sessions where participants are at various stages of treatment together, are helpful in that the senior group members are often more willing and capable of challenging newer members when they express unhealthy beliefs or attitudes. This is helpful to the newer group member in developing insight and also helpful to the senior group member as it provides an opportunity for them to practice the skills they have learned and further solidify their newly developed beliefs.

      • detritus says:

        This is exactly what I was thinking.
        How does it impact the senior group members?

        I can see both ways, arguing for your new ideology could help cement it, or it could weaken it?

        I wonder how much of a change can be achieved in those that use it as instrumental or for power and control. In psychopaths i’ve seen it suggested that in-patient treatment had a good result, but the end is that these people are released and commit abuse and more minor violent offences.

  18. CityGirl says:

    As a human being, as a woman, as a domestic violence survivor, I believe that abusers can change for the better, if they really want to and really work towards it through counseling, self education, and every means necessary. As they say, miracles happen every day.

    I think it is critically important that the victims get help and get out. It’s difficult, it’s scary, and entirely too often the violence increases dramatically when the abused leaves. This was the case for me and towards the end it got so violent and thankfully occurred in public places that he was arrested and went to jail for over a year, because of the district attorney’s pursuit not because I pressed charges. Like Michel’le, the abused have scars they carry forever – whether they are physical, emotional or mental. All this happened to me 30 years ago, and thankfully, I have no physical scars – the bullets missed – no broken bones – but I will never be the same.

    So yeah, I’m glad he got help and paid his price. Anyone who knows Michel’le’s story and any survivor’s story knows she is still paying – one way or the other. What about them, though?

  19. perplexed says:

    “This bugged me too: “I have this dark cloud that follows me, and it’s going to be attached to me forever. It’s a major blemish on who I am as a man.” But shouldn’t that be the case? His actions altered the course of these women’s lives.”

    I thought he was talking about the consequences of one’s actions — he can’t erase what he did. It just sounded like a point-blank statement of reality to me, not a judgement that the black could should be removed.

    I have absolutely no idea if he’s actually changed though, as I do not follow his career whatsoever.

  20. BritAfrica says:

    I am sorry that I don’t believe that this man IS sorry. I don’t believe it – period.

    He has projects to produce/sell so now it matters that he takes some sort of ownership of what he’s done in order to proceed successfully. And the world is changing around him.

    Do I believe he is no longer an abuser of women now? Nope. As men get older, they can no longer hit because they don’t have the physical strength/are more likely to be sued…etc. but they continue to abuse in other ways. Psychological abuse is much more insidious.

    For me, this man falls into that category. He is not going to change because he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he is.

    The ‘whataboutery’ is very evident with this man.

  21. Alex says:

    We ALL have the power of change with self-awareness. And yes, it is like a light switch when it happens. However, some people go through the motions of therapy with no change, and usually it is very easy to spot, based on simple situations such as driving and road rage taking over. Someone whom genuinely changes it shows in every aspect of their lives.

  22. mina says:

    Just wanted to recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft; probably one of the best I’ve read on this topic and very informative.

  23. Shannon says:

    I find that to be a myth, that abusers can’t change, cheaters always cheat, etc. My first husband smacked me once. ONCE. We did end up divorced, but it wasn’t because of that, it was long after. To my knowledge he’s never struck a woman again, and I know not me. In fact, he’s generally pretty kind and gentle. Anyone can change – they have to really WANT to and have the resources and help if the situation is dire, but I truly believe anyone with the desire can change. I’ve seen it. And definitely anyone can screw up once (although he definitely did it more than once … ). I’ve done made about all the mistakes a person can make barring hard-core things like murder, meth, you know, the biggies LOL

  24. Lyssa says:

    I worked at a DV shelter. A FEW can change, but most can’t or won’t. A few it actually makes them worse.

  25. Shirleygail says:

    Honest Question has he ever beaten up a boy/male/man? Or is he a gender specific beater? Cause if hitting is the only way he knows, or he hits out in frustration, that wouldn’t be gender specific. But, if he’s a gender specific beater, that’s preying on someone likely weighs much less than him, with considerably less muscle mass. That’s a no go, so go and be gone kind of guy.

    • Blue says:

      Rubbish. I’ve known guys who could hold their own against other guys who also hit their partners. Just because they were prepared to fight other guys didn’t make hitting their partners any more acceptable. Watch “Once Were Warriors” as an example.

  26. Blue says:

    This guy sold his soul to the Devil and now he wants it back. No problem. Donate all your money to services that support women escaping domestic violence.

  27. Luci Lu says:

    He has always been an arrogant woman-beating thug. Old habits are almost impossible to break, and people rarely change. I do not believe that he has ever stopped putting his hands on women. But, only his wife, (and his sidechick) are the only ones that know for sure.

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