The White Supremacist Turkey known, at times, as Emperor Baby Fists, Bigly, Agent Orange, The Bloated Dumpster Fire and Donald Trump pardoned a large fowl at the White House yesterday. It’s an annual tradition now for presidents to “pardon” one or two turkeys before the Thanksgiving holiday. The turkeys are sent to a farm to live out their days in peace, without being eaten. The last pardoned Obama turkeys, Tater and Tot, are still on the same farm, Gobblers Rest, which sounds like some kind of clever euphemism for The Turkey Is Dead, Kids. Anyway, because The White Supremacist Turkey is awful in every single way, the turkey pardon became something awful and awkward, because of course.
The best quote was probably, “I feel so good about myself doing this,” which is what he said after he asked the turkey handler if he could touch the turkey. He was literally stroking the turkey (not a euphemism) as he praised himself and talked about how good he felt. I’m surprised Melania didn’t shiver and then barf a little bit into one of the bushes. There were also some awful jokes about “strange birds” coming in and out of the White House (should have been “strange Russian birds”) and a “joke” about dismantling every Obama initiative.
On Tuesday, the White Supremacist Turkey also took a moment to endorse a child molester for higher office.
President Donald Trump discounted allegations of sexual assault against Alabama Republican Senate nominee Roy Moore and said Tuesday that voters should not support Moore’s “liberal” rival. Trump addressed the swirling controversy surrounding Moore for the first time since top Republican leaders called on Moore to step aside more than a week ago.
“We don’t need a liberal person in there,” Trump said of Moore’s rival, Democrat Doug Jones. “We don’t need somebody who’s soft on crime like Jones.”
Trump said he will announce next week whether he will campaign on Moore’s behalf. Trump spoke to reporters Tuesday at the White House before leaving for a Thanksgiving break at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida.
Trump dismissed questions from reporters about him backing a man accused of sexual assault over a man who is a Democrat. He pointed to Moore’s assertion that the candidate did nothing wrong. “Roy Moore denies it, that’s all I can say,” Trump said. “He denies it.”
He also noted that the allegations came from behavior alleged to have happened decades ago.
“Forty years is a long time,” Trump said, questioning why it took so long for Moore’s accusers to come forward.
Trump was also asked if he had a “message to women in this pivotal moment on sexual assault.” His response, as compiled in the pool report and other accounts: “Women are very special. I think it’s a very special time, a lot of things are coming out, and I think that’s good for our society and I think it’s very, very good for women, and I’m very happy a lot of these things are coming out. I’m very happy it’s being exposed.”
I really feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone sometimes, don’t you? The fact that this known and admitted sexual assailant, a man who brags about sexually assaulting women, is endorsing a child molester is really f–king bad. But he’s endorsing Roy Moore by claiming that Moore’s Democratic opponent, Doug Jones, is “soft on crime.” CHILD MOLESTATION IS A CRIME. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS A CRIME. Roy Moore committed multiple criminal acts according to multiple victims. Donald Trump committed multiple criminal acts of sexual assault, according to multiple victims. But no, Doug Jones is the one who’s soft on crime.
Photos courtesy of Backgrid.
This is the very best headline I have ever read in my entire 46 years of life.
Yes, I laughed out loud. Thanks, Kaiser.
I’ve been laughing for 5 minutes now. LMAO!!
+45
He’s so horrible that I really appreciate when I can laugh at him. Thanks so much!
Lol, yes, great headline. Pardon the turkey you orange toilet paper. Hopefully that’s the only thing pardoned in D.C…
Such a treat!
Perfect description.
That’s fine. Trump deserves everything he gets and all that. But it made me a little uneasy when comments are made with his child in some of the photos. It makes the boy more of a target that way, clumped in with dad so to speak. Trash Trump but pick photos where his son is nowhere to be seen.
That is impossible, and anyone with a heart and mind should know Barron is not to blame for his parents. One site not showing him would be pointless since it is everywhere. I feel even sorrier for the poor lad. He should hear these things at what is supposed to be a lighthearted tradition.
I suspect Doug Jones polling is getting even better. It seemed strange for Kellyanne to start attacking him and then Trump, who had been avoiding reporters on this question for weeks. Why now? Why the desperation? There can only be one reason.
Today’s RCP average has Jones at 46.8% and Moore at 46%. They are definitely getting nervous.
His chain is being yanked by Steve Bannon, who like Putin has dirt on him. He doesn’t want Bannon to go nuclear and get “candid” about his time in the white house.
Trump is such a corrupt mess and so dumb and mentally deranged that getting the upper hand on him isn’t even hard.
He’s brought this country so low is such a short amount of time, it’s breathtaking.
Kellyanne violated the Hatch Act (second time) when she talked about Doug Jones. I believe Walter Schuab (late of the office of ethics) filed a suit against her. Doubt anyone at the Adult Daycare will do anything about it.
These people are all criminals!
It’s pretty safe to say at this point that anyone supporting both Trump and Moore is just worthless and amoral.
My soul just puked.
Ditto.
By the time this evil man is finished “making america great again”, he’ll make Sodom and Gomorrah” look like a super conservative, Amish retreat.
Very SAD.
That poor, poor turkey.
I hope they got it from Mexico!
The GOP (in essence): “A Child Molester is Better Than a Democrat”
They should be ASHAMED of themselves! Where the F*** is their “what about the children” chant now??? This man was/is a serial predator!
+1000.
They’re still worked up about Hillary’s pedo ring in the pizza parlor. In other words, they’re hypocritical morons.
45 sees nothing wrong with what Moore did so it wasn’t so hard to shrug it off. He was just forced to say what he thinks, partially. Remember he confessed to being more sexually attracted to his 13-year-old daughter than to his wife.
My soul is dehydrated. What happened to the senators who started impeachment proceedings? What happened to the women accusing the dumpster fire of assault? Is there a black hole of progress???
All in a day’s work for baby fists.
LOL, this post was hilarious. Kaiser, there really should a Pulitzer Prize for political blog posting. You would win hands down for all your work this past year.
I second that, Indiana Joanna.
You mean she’d win baby fists down, lol. This was indeed brilliant. I was laughing even as I was feeling sickened and angry. I’m trying to muster up some gratitude for the occasion and seeing his image with his big clown tie didn’t help at all.
I laughed my ass off. Needed it today!
Hilarious lmao. I needed the laugh, too, for a change. By the way, I think Melania wasn’t able to vomit in the bushes because Sessions was already there vomiting on himself.
Darkest timeline.
This is exactly how my husband has been referring to this sham of a presidency.. and also the “new” Taylor Swift, which seems very fitting considering she also doesn’t mind white supremecists.
She will be Orange Lizard’s 4th wife. They are like minded.
holly hobby OMG I am hollering because I can totally see it.
I now fear that we have no bottom. We are just going to continue to sink to new lows.
You said What we are all fearing!
Some days I just want to stay in bed with my kitten because this is too horrific to face.
Even though I don’t have a kitten, sometimes i just want to stay in bed with one, so I go outside and grab a squirrel and make believe he’s a kitten, so I can stay in bed with him and not look at Trumps face.
Happy Camper — Just ask anybody who has a kitten to let you borrow it sometimes. Kittens are exhausting, my bet is that you will find a few takers.
There are too many days like this lately. Way too many and it is making me a little bitter.
John Oliver put it so succintly….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azPVFlm8slY
Tate, Author and Charles Manson biographer Jim Guinn said in an NPR interview that in our history as a country dark personalities like Manson and Jim Jones appear that appeal to our darkest impulses as human beings. He added that now we have Trump as another dangerous monster.
I laugh at his absudities and stupidities, but I have no illusions that he isn’t just as evil as any other brutal dictator or demagogue and is beating a path to destruction for the US and our place in the world at large.
Seth Meyers said there was no bottom with trump, that he got to China by falling through the bottomless hole in the earth he made.
Yes. There is no Trump movement: there is only a cult of personality. A recent article on Politico both frustrated me and broke my heart. The reporter interviewed working class voters in Johnstown,Pa. While several agree that Trump has done nothing for them so far, they kept saying “I like him.”
My son and I were competing on finding new metaphors for the depths Bigly has created. I can’t remember all of them, but we had: sub-basements of despair, the bottomless pit, the abyss of indecency, Satan’s attic, and the chasm of treason.
Satan’s attic….lmao
I’m in Johnstown, PA. We love him here, and that’s why PA went red.
Happy Turkey day to you ladies!
Words that may help, “just when you think you’ve reached the bottom, climb down further into the crevasse. It’s only when you truly climb down that you can rise” or something like that. (30 rock)
Party before country. Winning is more important than morality and decency.
Yup. A child molester is better than a Democrat in their twisted minds.
Trump stated that they needed the vote and that is pretty much the reason for endorsing him. Guess the ban on elephant heads will be lifted now that we have something else to talk about.
When a child rapist best represents your values, it’s time to rethink your values.
^^^YES!
I know the son is off limits but I have not once noticed loving communication between Trump and Barron.
I only see them together when Melania is also with them, but Trump doesn’t ever seem to look at his son. Not a warm loving family
I have never noticed a real, true smile from Barron when he’s in his father’s presence. He seems like a very sad, withdrawn child.
There was talk of him being autistic if i remember correctly….but it was gossip, so who know if there is any truth in it. In any case, he is the only person in that awful family i feel any compassion for…….Well, I also kind of feel sorry for Ivanka a tiny little bit, because I think she’s semi-normal (as opposed to a raging psychopath like the rest of the family). I feel like she’s constantly zipping about trying to mask their horrendous, evil behavior with a thin veneer of normailty as well as her gigantic, cap toothed smile.
Despite all of her faults, I legitimately believe Melania does everything she can to keep Barron away from his dad as much as possible. Which is super sad but, if the kid wants a real chance in life, is probably the best call. I think she tries to allow him to be a real kid, which is nice.
If I were to get myself into an… arrangement.. like her (I wouldn’t), I’d also keep my kid away from him as much as possible.
At the end of the day, I think Barron is probably as normal as a kid can be in his situation, and he probably recognizes that his relationship with his dad is distant and is figuring out how to deal with it. I was a similar age when i figured out my dad was super distant from me (and also a narcissist) and it sucked.
@Bella and Hello. I never bought the autistic label. When Barron is just with melania he seems a perfectly happy kid. And the best thing his mother could do for him is divorce her shitty husband and remove Barron from his orbit, imo.
I keep almost wanting to feel sorry for Melania…..until I remember her birther interview……clawing away at Obama is the most animated and vivacious i have ever seen her.
@Jerusha:
It feels to me as if she’s being held hostage in that marriage for political/optical considerations. She looks utterly miserable most of the time. I bet she’s being financially blackmailed…..I don’t think Trump would threaten to take Barron off her. What would he do with the child?
bella dupont- I think Melania enjoyed the drama and was an eager participant until Bigly ran for President. Then she realized it was gonna be work.
I’m here for Barron, the only true innocent Trump. Sweet looking boy, I hope he grows up to be as good looking as his mother, just to stick it to his brothers. Kid is eleven, and so tall!!
Melania has more power than maybe she realizes. Trump can’t discard her so readily now that he’s President. Especially with Mueller lurking in the background trawling for witnesses. I bet Melania knows plenty.
He probably rarely sees his dad. The older boys hardly saw him growing up, which is probably why they are working so hard to please him now. Most of the pictures out there are of him and Ivanka.
He looks fine interacting with his nieces and nephews and his mother. I don’t think there is anything off about Barron, he just is quiet in public events. His dad always said he left the raising of children to their mothers. He never had too much to do with his kids until they were old enough to start possibly being of use to him.
It’s not unique to Barron. Trump’s first wife and kids have all said he has no interest in children. He only really cares about his children when they are college age and can talk about the Trump business. Remember his uncomfortable interaction with the children of the press?
I wish this was shocking. A year ago, doing something like this would have been unthinkable. Endorsing a pedophile would have been political suicide for life. But he’s playing to his base like he always does-the ones who think that women should be nothing more than silent, baby making punching bags. When we’ve gotten to the point where the president is telling the country that he would literally have a serial pedophile win an election than a Democrat, we’re pretty much done. If you support that idea, you’re irredeemably stupid and evil. And the GOP will continue to do NOTHING.
And the turkeys. Jaysus. He is literally incapable of not always including some kind of brag about himself and a tasteless “joke” even in the most basic of situations.
I’ve had trying holidays seasons before but all of this just makes me want to skip straight to January, because one can only imagine how he’ll screw up lighting the national menorah. Probably while talking about the war on Christmas and Jeebus at the same time.
It’s been noted ad nauseum but he has no humanity and no grace whatsoever. It’s like he only has one setting — brag mode — and doesn’t have the cognitive resources for anything else.
I’ve never before heard a President even jokingly suggest that he could overturn a previous President’s pardon for anybody, not even a turkey.
What a maroon.
I think trump’s actually more repellent when he’s “joking” than when he’s being “serious”. Which is difficult. I think this turkey should be appointed to the federal court bench, as from what I have read it seems more qualified than many of his nominees. And it’s a white male, which seems to be a prerequisite.
Annetommy, I know what you mean. It’s because he can’t hide behind business or policy and it’s only his abhorrent personality on display. Those little moments that should unite us as humans and Americans…he has zero ability to do that because he cares only about himself.
Damn, Annetommy! That was a great comment. Every sentence was spot on.
Cannot he not leave Obama out of his speech.
I’m surprised he didn’t mention Hillary, emails, or Uranium One during this speech
Exactly. And of course his reasoning is ‘Roy Moore denies it, that’s all I can say.’ In other words, one man saying he didn’t commit a sex crime is more believable than multiple women saying that he did. Not surprising at all to see him taking up for Moore.
Doug Jones prosecuted Klan members for the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing that killed 4 little girls in 1963. Moore molests teens. Jones is not soft on crime.
Barron is being dragged out for the holiday stuff like the turkey pardon and the tree arrival and he looks miserable. Melania looks like she wishes he would just shut up.
Thank you! I saw that on Seth Meyers last night and I was like “well, that explains it”. He prosecuted “very fine people”, hence Bigly’s opposition.
I mean…forget the Demogorgon. THIS is the Upside Down! The world has gone MAD that you can openly support a child molester because NO DEMOCRATS!
Has he spoken to Complicit Barbie about this? The Bigly whisperer is a failure once more. Don’t even get me started on Kellyanne “no Senate seat is worth more than a child” Conway.
There is a special place in hell, for sure. FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE!!!
A new Doug ad is using ivanka’s words-“A special place in hell…”
And that is why Doug Jones, prosecutor of KKK members, is soft on crime.
Jones IS soft on crime, y’all! He hasn’t committed enough of them!
duplicate
A cold case, no less. Amazing what false narratives they toss around, just to get that wealthy person tax cut (‘reform’) passed.
For him to dismiss Jones like that is the height of disrespect. He either has no clue or he’s just pandering to his base. I’m so disgusted and enraged…as Mel said I feel like this can’t be happening.
Yes. He has no clue. He’s pandering to his base. It’s the usual word salad diarrhea that always spews from his anus mouth.
I never knew I could hate so much. I know we’re not supposed to wish you know what on someone at CB, so I won’t do it here. But in my heart, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, thanks for noting that LightPurple. Jones decided to go after the two remaining KKK clansmen for the murders of four young African American girls from the ’60s. He prosecuted, got convictions and life sentences for them.
I’m so glad that you mentioned that Jones prosecuted those KKK murderers. Cheeto Hitler probably doesn’t consider those murders a crime, since the victims were African Americans.
Only in Trump-Moore world is Doug Jones “soft on crime.” As most sentient beings know, he prosecuted two of the KKK members who were part of the infamous church bombing that killed 4 little girls.
Journalists need to confront Trump about this.
Sorry, LP. did not see your comment!! Very glad people are bringing this up.
Our African-American citizens are VERY aware of this. I know I can’t speak for all, but every A-A voter I’ve spoken to seems very enthused to vote for Doug.
@Jerusha – Do AL women voters seem to be leaning to Jones? I cannot understand why any female would support RM or Cheeto.
@Christin. The majority of people I’m working with on phonebanking, canvassing, etc., are women. Women of all ages, from college students to those of us in our seventies. So, yes, a lot of women(the smart ones).
But then there’s that group that I simply don’t understand, whose world I have never lived in or even visited. That group that is dominated by their husbands or fathers or their twisted religion. That group that seems unable to think for themselves or to analyze what is before their eyes. I hope it is a diminishing, dying out group, but I don’t know.
To add to my above comment, I can’t get over the fact that they’re still living in their 1950s bubble. But then, I never felt the need to “ be taken care of.”
I’m trying to figure out the women I know (career oriented, not all are married) who voted for Orange. One told me she prayed he would win. And I consider her a rational, not overly zealous type (newly divorced from a verbally abusive narcissist — and she fully recognizes her ex’s faults, which are similar to Orange one’s traits).
I am constantly baffled by women who are not dominated by their spouse or convinced abortion is THE one issue above all, who support these candidates. Even my neighbor who fits the stereotype of a redneck repeatedly says he cannot understand why any self-respecting woman could vote for either of these ‘men’!
I love the fall colors in Melania’s coat. But, look at it standing next to the fuchia striped pink tie…
I don’t think couples need to color coordinate but that tie is seriously off.
“…but that tie is seriously off.” Just like he is. Poor Barron. He looks as if he wants to give serious eye-roll and tell his €?&*@#! father to shut up.
haha when Obama was doing his turkey pardons his kids were rolling their eyes all the time.
Sasha, Malia and Barron are all sweet kids. Let them be.
I love that coat. I noticed it before anything else. I’ve been waiting to see who made it and how many thousands of $$$ it is.
And yeah, that’s an odd color tie for a Fall event. Yet another thing Trump can’t get right.
Really. What did I just read? To be a Democrat is now far worse than being a child molester and criminal. Blood-dy hell. Sometimes, I feel that I cannot look at this absolute waste of flesh, hear another word from him or read another sentence about hs vile machinations, or else I’ll feel sick all over again. Then I remember that real, living, breathing Americans have to live and suffer through what he’s doing and what he’s likely to do. All I can say is, “Hold tight, stick together, use your voices, intelligence and love of one another to get through this.” Lots of us down here are with you.
I’m older than Sh1thead and I plan to live to 150 if I have to, just so I can dance(and pee)on his grave.
Now you see, President Tweeter isn’t all bad. He has provided inspiration for you to keep on living, and he has truly united the country in our dislike of him.
He may also personally be responsible for US voter turnouts coming up to more respectable levels. We can always say “Remember Trump!” if people try to claim it doesn’t matter.
Good on you, Jerusha! I think so many feel as you do. Today, my daughter went to the funeral of a school friend who committed suicide last week. After the service at the cemetery, she took flowers down the hill to lay on my darling brother’s grave. Unfortunately, my mother’s child molester second husband is buried 4 spots away. She spat on his grave, but couldn’t dance on it because of her high heels, the slope and the three stiff drinks she’d had.
Total Twitter meltdown this morning! Attacking Levar Ball again, attacking the NFL again, retweeting bizarre Laura Ingraham crap that starts with a response to a tweet about Charles Manson and other stuff from his paid-minions, bragging about the stock market and having to work while at Mar-a-Lago and finally gets around to acknowledging we have a military plane crashed in the Pacific.
The Raw Story has an article about some of his idiot supporters tweeting hate to LeVar Burton instead of Ball.
And that Laura Ingraham tweet makes it seem like she is saying Charles Manson was also on the right track.
The dumb is astounding.
Well, I suppose they assume all LeVar’s look alike.
I’ll be in Palm Beach tomorrow night for Thanksgiving. I don’t know what I’d do or say if I ran into him, but he’ll just be staying at Mara-a-Lago, stuffing his wallet with millions more of taxpayers money. Again
I wish I could be there. I’d give him a Liverpool kiss.
Good idea, AnnaKist, and I would gladly follow it up with a Glasgow kiss, and tell him to “stitch that”!
Hahahahaha! “Stitch that!” Thanks for the giggle, Antipodean – I haven’t heard that in years!
I bet his security team won’t let you within 10 feet of him. Still, maybe you can shout something really nasty and vulgar at his stupid orange head……..his reported stupidity, his bankruptcies or his weight would be great pressure points for him. (I’m sure you can think of many other far more insulting things)
Record it and send it to Kaiser to post for our enjoyment. Might be petty, but i bet you (and us) will feel amazingly refreshed afterwards. 😀
I bet those turkeys would rather be Thanksgiving dinner than have Trumputin “Stroke” them.
Bravo Kaiser on an incredible post! “Melania puked a little…”
Stay away from Mars Lake tomorrow; there is at least one Russian oligarch there who parked his $400 million yacht on FL waters.
And no, you’ll never get the list of who attended the gala there.
Did he grab those poor turkeys by the giblets?
No DeeDee but Emperor Zero moved on those turkeys like a bitch.
Poor turkeys need a shower after that. 🙁
I’m surprised he touched them. He was doing a photo op with a bald eagle once and was nearly attacked, and it’s all on video. For example:
https://youtu.be/o7_OWYrLVOU
Or just search for
Trump bald eagle attack
Why did they make poor Barron wear a suit for this? He’s a kid, let him dress like one.
Trump has a thing about making his sons wear suits when with him – there is a story about Don Jr that when he turned up to his college dorm one day to pick him up he raged and slapped him for not dreassing appropriately and make him go change into a suit before they would leave. I think they were only going to a sporting event.
American Psychos.
The American Psychos should slap their dad for always wearing bad fitting suits and too long ties
They were going to a Yankees game and Junior was wearing Yankees gear, as one does.
Word on the street the turkey has been heavily sedated after trying to scrub himself clean from Tangerine’s groping. Poor dear just mentally collapsed.
I thought the same thing. Stick the poor kid in some khakis or jeans with a nice pullover.
Right?! No kid wears a suit unless they’re going to a wedding or funeral. He could have worn khakis with a nice sweater or dress shirt. Let him be a kid.
Supposedly he likes wearing a suit. I don’t remember when/where I read that, but it was before the elections.
The only way I could get my kid into a suit when he was a teenager was if I let him wear a 70’s powder blue leisure suit. This was in the late 90’s. I couldn’t figure out if he was trying to embarrass me or what. LOL
I have really liked Melania’s coats recently. Sue me.
Drumpf simply does not care about anyone or anything other than himself. His fame. His power. His money. Maybe his precious Ivanka. Maybe. He really is the most narcissistic, egotistical, pathological liar and sociopath I’ve ever been exposed to. He is constantly and consistently inappropriate, ill-informed, inarticulate, uninterested and uninteresting, petty, juvenile, simple-minded, insecure, stupid and soulless. Not to mention the racism, misogynism, classism, homophobia, islamaphobia, xenophobia and plain ignorance on constant display. It’s exhausting. It’s ridiculous. It’s enough. Most of us are hanging on by a thread.
I need to copy your description because that is how I feel and then suddenly I get angry and then exhausted. Hanging by a thread indeed.
This tweet is perfect.
http://twitter.com/krassenstein/status/932955001697206272
It doesn’t surprise me about Trump endorsing Moore. It’s par for the course.
Who wore their wattle better? Trump or the turkeys?
Turkeys, always turkeys. Gobble gobble.
The lovable turkey wore it better.
The turkey was lucky he/she wasn’t dyed orange and forced to wear a gold overcoat for this event. Class all the way!
I broke my rule of never ever posting on Facebook about politics because of this move. I can’t even. The disgust is just overwhelming.
Someone yelled out ‘are you going to pardon any people!’ towards the end of the video. Roy Moore perhaps?
Himself.
His alter ego.
This whole “pardoning a turkey” thing is ridiculous. They had these two turkeys spend the night in a very lush hotel. I mean who is paying for this? Taxpayers?
Looking at those pics all i can think is poor Barron.
When Trump endorsed Moore he said Moore denied the allegations several times. He also said the accusers were Trump supporters. He pointed out something that has baffled me … why did women who were mistreated sexually support Trump who had several accusers and on tape admitted to being a groper. I guess Trump was pointing out that they are no different than the women who still support Moore, despite his alleged actions because they believe in his politics.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve fallen asleep on US election night, because it was so late here but I was just so determined to see the first woman president elected. And I’ll wake up and realise they’re still in the midst of counts, and this last year just a hideous anxiety dream. Because all of this stuff is so terrifying, and wrong, and weird, and just messed up.
I’m not going to watch the video. Did Trump tell the turkey about his inaugural crowd size? Did he brag (lie) about his monumental electoral college win? Did he cop a feel as he pardoned it? Did he lock up his man children to prevent them from attacking it with their shotguns? They do so love their canned hunts.
Lol I wouldn’t doubt it
I don’t know. I hate Trump with a passion, just like every one of you. But I really can’t find any fault in him pardoning the (real) turkey!
As a Midwestern conservative I sometimes feel like my brain can’t see straight.