You know the phrase “Once an ego maniacal wife beating rageaholic murderer, always a thief”? Well it turns out my just-coined phrase perfectly describes OJ Simpson, who has been named as a suspect in a casino break-in. Now before images of “Oceans 11” flash through your brain, keep in mind that OJ is not nearly as sophisticated, nor as non-scary, as Brad Pitt and George Clooney. OJ’s tactics are a little more “round up a posse and kick stuff”-esq. Reports are still conflicted, so I’ll do my best to explain what’s being alleged, and the different versions therein.

“Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in a break-in at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia. The break-in was reported at the Palace Station casino late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said. He said investigators determined the break-in involved sports collectibles. ‘When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that he believed the memorabilia was his,’ Montoya said. ‘We’re getting conflicting stories from the two sides.’

Simpson was released after he and several associates were questioned, but he is considered a suspect in the case, Montoya said. He is believed to be in Las Vegas. ‘We don’t believe he’s going anywhere,’ he said. Simpson has had to auction off his sports collectibles, including his Heisman Trophy, to pay some of the $33.5 million judgment awarded to the Goldman family.

[From Yahoo News]

You don’t believe OJ Simpson is going anywhere? Does he have Al Cowlings and a white Bronco within 30 yards of him? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s now called a Ford “Escape.” Even better. OJ Simpson, if you’re forced to sell your sports memorabilia by the court, even though you really don’t want to, it’s no longer yours. That’s what happens when you murder two innocent people and a civil court finds that you owe their families a lot of money that your refuse to pay. You lose your trading cards. Actually the specific memorabilia in question has not been named. But I’m going with trading cards, because Simpson seems more than crazy enough to fly to Vegas to steal a pack of them.

MSNBC is reporting a more detailed account of what went down:

“Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in an incident at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia. ‘When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that be believed the memorabilia was his,’ police spokesman Jose Montoya said. ‘We’re getting conflicting stories from the two sides.’

“NBC affiliate KVBC-TV reported that a man alleged that Simpson and four other men, one with a gun, confronted him about sports memorabilia at his Palace Station hotel room. KVBC-TV reporter Angela Martin said a man, whom she did not identify by name, had told her that Simpson and four men had entered his room, with Simpson demanding he return what Simpson said were sports memorabilia stolen from him years ago.”

[From MSNBC]

You’d think that if any significant sports memorabilia (significant enough for OJ Simpson and a bunch of friends to go to Las Vegas and break into a guy’s room with a gun) was truly stolen from Simpson, it would have been reported in the press. I’m guessing Simpson considers it stolen because he wanted it and the court made him auction it off. I could be totally wrong, but because I consider this guy to be the lowest life form on Earth, I’m going with the most selfish scenario possible. Even if the memorabilia was truly stolen from him, that doesn’t mean Simpson can break into someone’s hotel room to steal it back. No matter what the reasoning, it seems he committed a crime. Wouldn’t it be just fabulous if OJ Simpson at least went to jail for a this? Yeah it’s not much, and I really doubt he’d be anyone’s jail bitch, but it’d still be something.

Many commentators are pointing out the extraordinary coincidence that Simpson is in the news for a significant criminal act for the first time in so long. Today is also the release of his book “If I Did It” – the so-called fictional account Simpson provided of how he would have killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and her friend Ron Goldman, if he’d killed them, which he stresses he didn’t. Simpson lost the rights to the book because he still owes the Goldmans most of the $33 million awarded to them in the wrongful death suit. The Goldmans were awarded the rights to the book and decided to go ahead and publish it, but instead of a “hypothetical account” they’re labeling it “true crime.” Whatever money the Goldmans make from the book sales will go to satisfy Simpson’s debt to them. Perhaps OJ’s just trying to raise sales?

Update: OJ has told the Associated Press that he was conducting a sting operation and he was escorted into the room to collect his belongings, according to MSNBC. The reporter, John Larsen, also kept laughing when he said it.