Kate Middleton’s dodgy uncle tells all: hookers, blow & a royal engagement

Prince William and girlfriend Kate Middleton enjoy a night at Raffles
We all have dodgy uncles, don’t we? The person doesn’t even have to be an actual uncle, it’s just the person who never knows when to shut up, when to not reveal personal stories, when to avoid the press. It’s the person who sees you and says flat out “You should get pregnant so he’ll marry you, like you did with the last one” as you’re introducing your new boyfriend around. It’s the person who tells your boss about why you really got fired from your last job. It’s the person who offers an undercover reporter hookers and blow. Sometimes, I’m kind of that person in my family. I have problems differentiating between “internal family jokes not for public consumption” and “a funny story”. That being said, I’ve never offered a reporter hookers and blow, so I’m at least better than Kate Middleton’s dodgy uncle.

It’s generally accepted that Kate Middleton hasn’t made any “wrong steps” on her road to becoming Prince William’s wife. She hasn’t participated in any interviews knowingly or unknowingly, she hasn’t been the victim of any upskirt photographs. There isn’t any homemade porn in her past, and she’s proven she can keep a secret. So after some-odd seven years as Prince William’s on-again girlfriend, it’s surprisingly to learn that there’s a chink in the armor, and we’re only hearing about it now. An undercover reporter from News of the World was sent in to talk to Kate’s uncle, Gary Goldsmith. The results were rather astounding:

Kate Middleton’s uncle allegedly supplies drugs and arranges vice girls.

Gary Goldsmith also reportedly boasted about his niece Kate and her boyfriend, Britain’s Prince William, visiting his luxurious mansion on the party island of Ibiza, Spain, in 2006.

He told undercover reporters from Britain’s News of the World newspaper: “Yeah, so they all turn up with their M16 to guard them. My first words to Prince William were, ‘Oi, you f***er! Did you break my glass pyramids?’ He and a pal had been throwing balls around and broke all these ornamental pyramids I had loads of them. My friends were teaching William how to mix music on DJ decks. Yeah, it was brilliant. And they told him he needs to shout, ‘The King’s in da house!’ He’s a very friendly guy.”

Gary also claimed William, 27, made lewd comments about Kate’s breasts in front of her mother Carole Middleton.

He said: “They were talking about boobs at the time, around the table at my sister’s house. William said that more than a handful is a waste! He had to wear the hanky of shame. I made him put on a napkin!”

Gary claims Kate and William are also planning to return to his Spanish home next month and has hinted the couple will soon reveal their plans to wed.

He added: “They’re talking about an announcement later this year. I’ll be giving her away. I’ll be the Duke of Slough. I’m going to be up front. I want a speaking part.”

Gary has also been accused of offering the reporters a range of illegal substances and bragging he could fix them up with prostitutes for £600 ($983.82) a-night in Ibiza.

When one reporter said he was living in London, Gary reportedly replied: “You need me as a friend. I have a company that delivers to your door. And I can get cocaine to your door here too.”

After Gary had called an alleged drug dealer called Sharon who lives in Ibiza, he said: “She will deliver to wherever you are.”

Carole is believed to be furious with her brother for bragging about handing out drugs and speaking about the future king of England. A source said: “Carole is spitting fire. She never thought he would do something this stupid and betray the whole family.”

[From All Headline News]

No one looks good here, but the scandal isn’t going to be devastating, for many reasons. First, Prince William has his own “dodgy uncles” and then some, so who is he to judge? Secondly, I really think Kate has earned enough brownie points in the British media that she’s not going to take the hit on this. It’s pretty clear she’s not to blame, and this uncle will most likely be persona non grata in the many years to come. I’ve got to wonder about what Uncle Gary said about the wedding, and about Prince William’s behavior though… does it sound right? It this a clever way of putting some pressure on an engagement, with this dodgy uncle coming out and claiming that they’re already sort of engaged? If that’s the case, Kate is really clever. Props to her.

Kate Middleton and Prince William are shown out on 8/15/08. Credit: Splash News

Prince William and girlfriend Kate Middleton enjoy a night at Raffles

Prince William a girlfriend Kate Middleton

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17 Responses to “Kate Middleton’s dodgy uncle tells all: hookers, blow & a royal engagement”

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  1. Sakota says:

    What a low family.

  2. Alecto says:

    Uncle Douche.

  3. Rosalee says:

    Every one I know has an “uncle” who speaks without a mental censor. Usually they are kept out of sight and ear range when introductions are made to “possibles” and only freed from the basement during holidays and baptisms.

  4. Wow says:

    Typical, eh?

    This won’t even hurt her at all. Then again, I don’t think she will be the one who he ends up marrying anyway. I still feel he will end up marrying someone we still haven’t even heard of, and if anything he’ll keep Kate on the side as a mistress or something. Just a hunch.

  5. viper says:

    LMFAO! okay now uncle douch time to back in the closet.

  6. gg says:

    heh, funny article Kaiser.

    @ wow – I sure hope he does not do a Charles redux. They’ve had enough profligate philanderers in that damn family. Time to be faithful to your mate, mate. Stop the BS in its tracks.

  7. raven says:

    Kate will never be Prince William’s wife. Royals don’t mix with such people.

  8. Bill Hicks is God says:

    “Procurers” for the Royal Family is nothing new.

  9. Kelly says:

    That’s awesome! The peerage system has created generations of people whose wealth and insulation make them feel entitled to share their opinions, at any expense.

    I think it’s hilarious. Uncle Gary, keep talking!

  10. grisgris says:

    In our family its the Druncle. We also have a Stuncle but he is pretty harmless. Druncles are always good for some embarasment.

  11. Obvious says:

    @Rosalee, you let yours out of the basement??? We shipped ours a few hundred miles away, and we let him visit twice a year-when no one is around…we made the mistake of letting him around my cousins fiance one year…..that wasn’t pretty.

  12. PJ says:

    I wouldn’t give this guy too much credibility. He was way over the top. Why in the world would he give away Kate at her wedding, and not her father?

    Also, News of the World is a pretty low-life tabloid, isn’t it?

  13. DD says:

    Every family has at least one member that brings them down.

  14. Rosalee says:

    Obvious – Your lucky…a few hundred miles away, it sounds like heaven..

  15. Ned says:

    Clever? Kate Middleton is a bum. She does nothing and LOVES the press.

    I have no idea why is he even wasting his time on her.
    She is obviously trying to exploite him so that the Brits will pay her bills and she could continue to do nothing.

    At least Paris Hilton work. I don’t get how such wealthy families go so wrong in how the bring up their daughters.

  16. upstart says:

    The odd part is probably 90 per cent of this story is true, except the plans to wed. For all we know, Kate is now on the payroll as a girlfriend. What a corrupt group of people, though, clamoring for the spotlight. I can imagine the PR stuff is all on Middleton’s side.

  17. Ezkate says:

    She is a lazy woman, she’s laid on her tuff for years and no work, thinking that would get her the Title. She’s plain, but William is losing his looks too, they deserve each other.
    He can’t make up his mind, because he’s hoping for someone better.
    Kate’s too easzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy.
    Sleaze Middletrash