Which terrible Gwyneth Paltrow do you want first, the one about the vagina candle or the one about gooping at sea? Both are pretty odious (heh), but let’s get the worst one out of the way first. Gwyneth has put the goop branding on everything, and of course she sells fancy, expensive candles. She offered a limited edition (?) candle called This Smells Like My Vagina. The origin story is as bad as you think it is.

A candle in selling on Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Goop online store has a very unconventional scent. The 47-year-old actress’ company is currently selling a $75 votive cheekily named “This Smells Like My Vagina,” according to a listing on Goop’s online store.

Per the product description, the item — made by artisanal fragrance brand Heretic — “started as a joke” between perfumer Douglas Little and Paltrow while they were collaborating on a fragrance together. The two were testing scents when the Politician star blurted out, “Uhhh..this smells like a vagina,” the website said. While the two didn’t end up bottling the “funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent” into a perfume, they did think it would be “perfect as a candle,” the description read.

According to Goop, the brand did a “test run” for the candle during the In Goop Health summit and “it sold out within hours.” The candle’s scent is described to contain a “blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed.”

[From People]

I was going to try to make jokes about what Gwyneth’s actual vadge might smell like, but honestly, the thought of it made me feel sick? Like, I can’t imagine walking into a room where a candle is burning and the whole room smells like vadge. What I don’t get is why they named it This Smells Like MY Vagina. Why not A vagina? Is it because Gwyneth is a gross person and she thinks it funny to make us think about her personal vagine? Meanwhile, here’s something else to make you feel seasick:

For Gwyneth Paltrow, spending time at sea can be healing and boats can feels like an escape.

“I love being on the water, I love being by the water and I love being in the water,” she tells USA TODAY. “And I think, energetically, it’s very cleansing to be near the sea or in the sea.”

Now, Paltrow’s modern lifestyle brand, Goop, which focuses on six pillars including wellness and travel, is going to sea. Goop has partnered with Celebrity Cruises for Goop’s first at-sea venture. The new experience will take place on a Celebrity Apex sailing scheduled to depart from Barcelona on Aug. 26 and to sail around the Mediterranean until Sept. 6.

After everyone’s had a few days to relax, “Goop at Sea,” a one-day experience, will debut Aug 30. It’s inspired by the company’s “In Goop Health,” wellness summits. They feature sessions and discussions with field experts on new ideas and philosophies focused on emotional and physical health and wellness, in different cities including Los Angeles and San Francisco.

“We’ve had massive success with In Goop Health, our wellness summit that translates goop’s content into a tangible, high-touch experience,” Paltrow said in a release. “This partnership with Celebrity Cruises allows us to bring Goop to new audiences and to meet readers where they are.”

[From USA Today]

I’ve talked before about how I’m curious about some cruises, especially the Viking Cruises advertised on PBS, the ones which go through Europe on smaller boats, not the giant cruise ships favored by Princess Cruise lines or whatever. I generally think of those giant cruise ships as floating petri dishes of disease and e-coli and Norovirus. Which… sounds perfect for a Goop Summit. All of those drunk women barfing all over the place while being charged $50 for a sticker which cures them.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, WENN.