Usher and Tameka Foster make me ill. Mostly because – by most accounts – she’s the devil, and he has no freaking clue. He’s all, “Love the satanic beast that’s carrying my child, world, or I will smite my fans and tell them off.” Alright that’s my reinterpretation, but I think it’s pretty close to the real thing. Usher and Maneka have given an interview to Essence, in which they talk about their shock – shock! – that people had such a negative reaction to their relationship. It’s a classic “What’s wrong with all of you?” type of articles.

“Usher and his new wife, Tameka Foster, say they were taken aback by all the rumors that swirled about their relationship this summer – but in the end, it made them stronger as a couple. ‘Ours is not a typical love story, but it is a true one,’ Usher tells Essence magazine for its November issue. ‘Tameka and I have been fortunate enough to go through the thick of it in the beginning. We’ve had that opportunity to huddle up as a team, to make sure that we’re clear and speak as one voice.’

“Usher and Foster were married Aug. 4 in a simple ceremony in Atlanta, after canceling a more lavish event in the Hamptons – and enduring speculation about their commitment to each other and the support they were getting from their families. The couple, who are expecting a son, were stunned by the negative press. ‘It was like, wow,’ says Usher, who turned 29 on Sunday. ‘[Getting married] and having a child is something that everyone should celebrate. What’s happened to us as a culture and a people?’”

[From People]

Um, what’s happened to us is that you married a gold-digging tranny, and everyone but you can see it. Even your mama, who failed to show up to any of your weddings. I think the real reason they called off the first wedding was they found out it’s illegal for a man to marry a pre-op transsexual in New York. Well at least in the Hamptons.

And who else were the haters and the doubters, besides yours truly?

“Foster, 37, reveals that the doubters even included some of her friends. ‘Thank God I didn’t listen to my girlfriends,’ she says. ‘Usher was my road dawg. I’d seen him love, and I’d watched him date women who were not worthy of him. He was so sweet, going out of his way to cater to their every need. And I’d see them not even be grateful.’ She adds that their love is based on complete openness – something she hasn’t experienced in her romantic life before. ‘I feel totally uninhibited with Usher,’ Foster says. ‘I’ve never been in a situation with anyone, even as far back as high school, where there were no secrets. I know I can tell him anything and he’s not going to judge me. I can finally share my dreams. And because of that, I know that man loves me.’

“That bond will only grow, Usher says, after the birth of their son. ‘Tameka’s given me one of the greatest gifts I’ll ever have,’ he says. ‘With a child, now I have purpose. I understand love.’”

[From People]

“Road dawg?” Is that an urban way of saying roadkill? If so, Tameka your face is my road dawg. And really, your love is the truest of romances and knows no bounds. Even though your families and friends hate you two as a couple. And your fans. Well, Usher’s fans. Let’s be honest, even the one mounted in the bathroom wouldn’t really be Tameka’s fan if it had a choice. That fan is just there to get rid of what I can only assume is a crazy amount of gas. You know, because she’s really a man. And they have more gas. Okay it’s Monday, I can’t promise the jokes will get any better.