Us Weekly gathered a team of the best plastic surgeons in the business to go on the record about how awful Heidi Montag‘s fake boobs are. Except not really, these are just the doctors who would go on the record without actually treating Heidi, and it’s not like they’re saying anything that anyone with the power of sight wouldn’t have noticed. Basically, the gist is “Doctor Obvious says Heidi is going to have major health problems for years to come. Oh, and her boobs are going to sag down to her ankles, and her back is going to hurt too.” Shocking! Here’s more:

Heidi Montag — who famously underwent a staggering 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day (a breast enlargement, among them) — unveiled her post-surgery bikini bod last weekend in Las Vegas.

Though the 23-year-old Hills star — whose breasts are now a size “E” or “F” and legally cannot undergo any more surgery — was all smiles as she showed off her new assets, several plastic surgeons tell UsMagazine.com she faces a slew of post-surgery woes.

“The excessive weight of the implants in these extreme augmentations almost always leads to chronic lower back pain and significant drooping of the breasts,” says New Jersey-based Dr. Lyle M. Back. “Often, the entire balance of the spine can be thrown off, resulting in chronic neck strain, painful shoulders and even a stooping posture.”

San Francisco plastic surgeon Dr. Joel Beck thinks she also may have trouble breastfeeding. “If the breasts are too big, the baby can’t latch on to get a mother’s milk,” he says.

As Montag ages, he adds, “the implants will thin the [skin] tissues and require a breast lift.”

The implants are so oversized, they could even “erode through the skin and be exposed, mandating [their] removal,” adds Dr. Beck.

But her second nose job could have “the most potential consequences,” warns Dr. Mark Berman, president of the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery. He tells Us that Montag may lose the ability to breathe through her nose if her nostrils have been “narrowed too much.”

(Her only major non-threatening surgery? Her back scooping — which, according to Dr. Berman, refers to “liposuction around the hips and flanks to narrow the waist.” “Since only fat would be removed, other than the general discomfort from the initial healing phase … she should be able to do any physical activity she could previously do,” Dr. Berman says. [Montag has been photographed doing yoga, but she has said she can’t jog anymore because she’ll injure her new breasts.])

Not only does she face physical ramifications – but psychological ones as well.

“There’s a lot of pressure to look a certain way in Hollywood,” admits Dr. Larry Fan, a Harvard-trained leader in aesthetic plastic surgery. “It’s just not emotionally healthy to want to change so many things about your appearance at all once. I am most concerned about Heidi’s emotional health and sense of body image.”

[From Us Weekly]

As someone with natural DD-cup boobs, let just say that they really are more trouble then they’re worth. I can barely bend over without knocking myself out. No – not really. But my back and shoulders do hurt sometimes, especially if I’m standing for a long time.

However, now that I know what this mysterious back scooping is, that sounds like an interesting procedure. Aren’t there some vital organs in that general area though? Must look up internal anatomy.

One final story, vaguely related to Heidi’s awful plastic surgery. After Audrina Patridge talked about Heidi‘s surgery on George Lopez‘s show, Spencer Pratt tweeted: “Audrina – Don’t hate because your nasty Tijuana plastic surgery got you no press.” “Nasty Tijuana plastic surgery” is maybe the best description I’ve ever heard of busted work. I can’t believe Spencer is that clever. He’s really not though – even though I do think Audrina’s implants look like “nasty Tijuana” junk, so does Heidi’s. No disrespect to Tijuana.