Although it’s been reported that Ben Stiller had to (or chose to, who knows) fire good friend Owen Wilson from his upcoming movie “Tropic Thunder” after Wilson attempted suicide, it appears the two are at least on speaking terms. Stiller was on Ellen DeGeneres’ show on Friday, and said that, though he tries not to talk about it too much, Wilson is doing a lot better. I really hope reports that Stiller fired him aren’t true, as that would make him a giant douchebag, and a terrible friend. People have the right to react to a suicide attempt however they want to, but I can’t imagine anything that would be more thoughtless.

“Ben Stiller says things are looking up for his longtime pal and frequent costar Owen Wilson. ‘He’s doing really well,’ Stiller, 41, tells Ellen DeGeneres on her show Friday. ‘I sort of like to protect his privacy, ’cause I feel like it’s his own thing,’ says Stiller. ‘But he’s a really good friend of mine. He’s an incredible guy and I wish him as everybody does, all the best.’

“Wilson, 38, was set to begin shooting the comedy Tropic Thunder with Stiller this month, but was hospitalized on Aug. 26 for what police called a suicide attempt. He dropped out of the film after issuing a statement requesting that he be allowed to ‘receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.’

“Wilson’s withdrawal from the project – which is about actors on a war movie location where a real battle erupts – was reportedly a mutual decision between him and Stiller, and Matthew McConaughey has stepped in to join the ensemble cast that includes Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. and Nick Nolte.

“Speaking at Thursday night’s Westwood premiere of his and his son’s latest movie, The Heartbreak Kid, Ben’s dad Jerry Stiller, 80, expressed concern for his son’s best friend and said he was ‘surprised’ to hear of Wilson’s apparent suicide attempt – but he was sure that Wilson would ‘recover.’

“‘I know that he’ll put his life together,’ the elder Stiller, who also costarred with Wilson in 2001’s Zoolander, told PEOPLE. He added that his son has been ‘very close to Owen for most of their careers, and that Ben had been an ‘advocate’ in ‘intervention and all that stuff.’”

[From People]

So I guess they’re still going with the official “mutual decision” line about dropping out of the movie. That preserves everyone’s dignity. I wonder, when Jerry Stiller says that Ben has been an advocate for “intervention and all the stuff,” if he means in terms of Owen’s obvious depression, or his rumored drug/alcohol abuse. Hopefully Wilson will continue to get better, and has lots of loving and supportive people around him. As long as there are good people, he can get better and still have a really great career.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Ben Stiller with wife Christine Taylor at the premiere for his new movie, “The Heartbreak Kid” yesterday. Header image with mother Anne Meara Images thanks to PR Photos.

It turns out that Star Magazine and The National Enquirer were at least partially right about Lohan extending her rehab stay, because her mother is denying reports that she is set to be released back into the wild this weekend. We can all breathe a sigh of relief for Lohan and for ourselves. We have the gossip section of our brains already chock full with the unsettling minutiae of Britney’s everyday life, we don’t need to know every time Lohan takes a shit too:

Despite reports to the contrary, it appears Lindsay Lohan will not be leaving her Utah rehab facility this weekend.

When Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush e-mailed Lindsay’s mom, Dina, to find out if the reports of Lindsay coming home this weekend were accurate, Dina said that wasn’t the case.

“Not true staying in Utah,” Dina wrote to Billy.

Lindsay checked into the Cirque Lodge in early August, marking her third stint in rehab after previous visits to the Wonderland and Promises facilities in Los Angeles.

Dina, Lindsay’s siblings Cody and Ali and her father Michael have all paid visits to Lindsay since she began her stay.

[From Access Hollywood]

And there’s a new advertising campaign by an addiction treatment facility that’s trying to capitalize on Lindsay Lohan’s well publicized drug treatment issues. The attention-grabbing ads feature big block letters saying “Don’t Die Lindsay!” and include information about a supposed medical treatment alternative to extended rehab stays. The Canterbury Institute offers outpatient treatment for addiction, and claims in the ads to provide “innovative medical approaches” that allow patients to be in and out with their drug problems licked in just a few days:

While the rest of the world is going in and out of rehab, Canterbury Institute is changing the rules of addiction treatment. We’re offering innovative medical approaches to drug and alcohol addiction. It’s outpatient and administered by an ASAM-certified physician. All you need is 3-5 days to get back on track.

Someone from the ad agency who created this campaign e-mailed me the press release that this ad would run in the NY post, including PDF files and images so I could run it on the site, not that I don’t appreciate that. I guess because they’re not using Lindsay’s last name they figure they can’t get sued, but I wouldn’t count on it. You know Dina is going to try and squeeze something out of them. Lohan is said to go around asking people she barely knows for $10k all the time, if someone is using her name in an ad she’s probably going to try and make them pony up something. It’s called a violation of the “right to privacy” if celebrities’ names or likenesses are used in ads without their consent. I’m not sure how the law applies if a celebrity’s last name is not mentioned, if they are known by both names like Lohan.

If this treatment really works I hope that the celebrities don’t catch on to it. That would mean no more extended breaks from news about their antics when they get sent away for months at a stretch. Then again, it can only save lives if less drunken starlets are on the road with hoards of paparazzi trailing after them. That’s more important than not having to read unrelenting trivial gossip about these girls for months on end. Of course it is.

Update: I missed this story that Steve-O from Jackass told Howard Stern that Lohan once stole a bag of cocaine from him. If he had anything else worthwhile she surely would have nabbed that too.

Header image thanks to Pretty On The Outside.

Have we talked about how I think Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy? Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy. Who can resist a face tattoo? Nothing makes panties drop faster. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, you should always be sure not to wear a skirt around Mike Tyson, or you’ll find your panties on the sidewalk and you’re halfway down the block. Same things applies to kilts, gentlemen. That’s probably what happened to Britney’s and Paris’ underwear. They came across Mike Tyson and suddenly found themselves flashing their lady bits.

Being the winner that he is, Tyson hasn’t been able to settle for just being a convicted rapist, domestic abuser, and ear biter. He’s one of those all or nothing types, and decided to tack a little DUI and drug possession onto his record for good measure. Got to stay in the tabloids and all.

“Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson pleaded guilty Monday to charges of drug possession and driving under the influence stemming from a traffic stop last year as he was leaving a nightclub. Tyson quietly acknowledged to a judge that he had cocaine and was impaired when he was stopped for driving erratically in Scottsdale on Dec. 29. He pleaded guilty to a single felony count of cocaine possession and a misdemeanour DUI count and faces up to four years and three months in prison when he is sentenced Nov. 19. A felony charge of possession of drug paraphernalia and a second misdemeanor DUI charge were dropped, according to the terms of a plea agreement. Defense lawyer David Chesnoff said Tyson has been clean and sober for eight months.

“‘It’s obvious this was a crime he was committing against himself,’ Chesnoff said.

“Police stopped Tyson after the boxer had spent the evening at Scottsdale’s Pussycat Lounge. An officer said he saw Tyson wiping a white substance off the dashboard of his black BMW, and that his speech was slurred. Authorities said they found bags of cocaine in Tyson’s pocket and in his car.

“Tyson told officers later that he used cocaine ‘whenever I can get my hands on it,’ and that he preferred to smoke it in Marlboro cigarettes with the tobacco pulled out, according to court documents. He also told police that he used marijuana that day and was taking the antidepressant Zoloft, the documents state.”

[From the Chronicle Journal]

I know I’ve been critical of Tyson in the past, but who among us can really say they don’t enjoy the occasional snort of cocaine when it’s offered? Isn’t it rude to refuse? And then you have to get home, so why would you ask someone for a ride, or pay someone since you’re stinking rich, when you can just drive yourself when you’re hopped up on cocaine. Or whatever you get on cocaine. Cracked out? Up? I feel as though celebrity morons are getting their comeuppance of late, and it makes me very happy. But only because I get to say comeuppance.

So just what was going on with Britney Spears that had her bodyguard Tony Barretto so worried? Barretto has given several good quotes that explain his worries, and most of them seem fairly credible, given Spears bizarre, erratic, and seemingly unsafe behavior. Barretto doesn’t seem to have anything to gain from coming forward with his allegations – he went to a lawyer and a court of law first. It’s hard to say if the tabloids have paid him or not, but he didn’t just go blabbing to them without backing up his accusations, so I think it’s fair to give some weight to what he says. It’s a really long article, so I’ll just give you some of the highlights. Keep in mind this is from “News of the World,” and they can get a little over-dramatic with the CAPS.

On why he came forward:

“OVERDOSED in a drug-strewn hotel room on a binge with junkie lover Howie Day just days after checking out of rehab. ‘She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—we thought she was dying,’ said Tony. Man mountain 6ft 7in Barretto, 27—nicknamed Fat Tony—told us: ‘I gave evidence to the court because Britney is out of control and needs help. I have done this for her children. She’s not a good mother. She has mental problems. With her drug and booze issues, her home is no place for kids to be raised.’”

[From News of the World]

On Spears’ brief relationship with Howie Day:

“She went on a date with musician Day, 26—who she’d met in rehab—telling her worried protection team she didn’t need them. Tony said: ‘We did security checks on Howie and told her he was trouble. But she ignored us.’ Hours later hysterical Britney, 25, called aides, claiming Day was refusing to let her leave their hotel room. Tony recalled: ‘She said she wanted to cancel the tour. She was very confused. We asked her if she was OK and reminded her she had a show to do. Then Howie came on the phone and started arguing with us. We knew we had to get to her fast.’

“Tony raced to LA’s plush Mondrian Hotel with another bodyguard and Britney’s best friend and PA Alli Sims. When they got to their room they found the door open and an appalling scene inside. Tony said: ‘We could see Britney all red-eyed from crying. Howie was lying in his boxers asleep on the bed. The hotel room was trashed. There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. There were blankets all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. The trash was emptied everywhere over the floor. The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere. On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.’

“The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure. Tony went on: ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die. There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.’”

[From News of the World]

On ignoring her kids:

“‘I was worried about the children due to her erratic behaviour. She wouldn’t talk to them at all and she would be in her own world. I remember being in the hallway, and she was at the other end looking completely out of it. She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. We’d have to look after the kids while she went through her strange behaviour. I know enough about drugs to know she was not being the normal Britney.’ Tony said: ‘I hope this will be wake-up call to her. I like Britney. All I want is for her to be a success and a good mum.’”

[From News of the World]

On Sean Preston and Jayden James becoming scared of Britney:

“He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them. Tony said: ‘Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.’

Tony said he never saw her feed the boys. He added: ‘When they are unwell, her answer is: “Give the baby a bottle of medicine.” I’ve never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum.’ Tony knew he had to take action when Britney nearly wrote off her car with the kids inside. He said: ‘We followed her but she was driving like a lunatic on the wrong side of the road. It was terrifying.’

[From News of the World]

So not that we were sitting around wondering why Britney shouldn’t have custody of her kids, but I think this gives us all a much better idea as to the specific behaviors. Considering how bizarrely she’s acted in public, all of Barretto’s accusations do a good job of explaining Britney’s actions. Nothing here is really a surprise, in and of itself, it’s just shocking to hear that a parent could behave this way around her kids, and in life in general. I’m not a mom so I don’t completely understand the emotions of this, but I can’t understand why a person who appears to not want to deal with being a parent would fight so hard to be one.

By so openly flouting court orders not to drink or do drugs, Britney is precariously close to losing her children, says an expert quoted by Star Magazine. The attorney contacted by Star says the judge will surely see that she went out the night after his ruling, and he also speculates that Britney could be held in contempt of court which could bring a jail sentence or fine. Please let that happen:

“By going out like this she is really running the risk of losing custody of her kids,” Schweitzer, who has never met Spears, says. “The judge is now going to watch very move she makes. The judge gets the newspaper like everyone else and he will take something like this into consideration until his final ruling is made.”

Schweitzer also says there could be tough consequences if Brit defies the court orders, which also included not drinking 12 hours before seeing the children. “Some of the punishments could include holding her in contempt of court, which could result in a fine, imprisonment or both. Or, the judge give more visitation rights to the other parent, in this case Kevin, or, he can take the children away if he feels Britney is not focusing on the best interest of the children.”

“If I were her lawyer I would tell her to lie low, stay in the house and spend time reading to her sons and doing arts and craft projects with them to enforce learning and bonding,” Schweitzer advised.

[From StarMagazine.com]

I love how the attorney adds that advice at the end that Britney should do arts and crafts with her kids, as if that’s going to happen. Britney did attempt to bond with her two sons yesterday over her favorite activity - shopping and posing for the paparazzi. She took them out with her on Robertson Boulevard, where she knew she would be spotted. Her hair was a mess and she looked tired and dazed. She was uncharacteristically covered up in a long gray cardigan and white shirt. Maybe she did finally get the message, but I doubt it.

Do you think she cares if she loses custody of her boys? She’s consistently shown that she doesn’t want the responsibility and has justified her poor behavior by saying that she’s young and deserves to go out. I think she really wants to have no responsibilities for her children or career, but that doesn’t mean she’s not conflicted about it.

There was a rumor that Britney was going to get a role on an NBC sitcom opposite Matthew Perry. This was reported in Variety and actually seems like it could have been true, as she did a wooden but passable guest spot on Will and Grace last year. NBC has denied those reports, but it sounds like they were considering her and decided against it after her latest debacle:

According to Liz Smith’s Variety column, the pop mess was in the running for the part of “wacky artist” in a potential sitcom going by the title Occasional Wife.

An NBC head honcho reportedly told her, “There’s something about her that just connects with the audience, and they want her to succeed now in spite of her adversity.”

However, a publicist for the network has now confirmed to Access Hollywood that the report is false.

As Variety pointed out, the NBC bigwig made the comment prior to Britney’s former bodyguard’s explosive claims regarding her continued drug-use and general bad-parenting.

[From Entertainmentwise]

Last year there were stories that Britney wanted a television career after her Will and Grace performance. Even with lousy acting skills, the girl could have written her own ticket if only she would have kept her act together. Now she’s about to lose her kids, her career, and just about everything except her freedom. She’s always free to fuck up more, and that seems to mean more to her than anything.

Thanks to WENN for these pictures taken of Britney out with Jayden Sean Preston (thanks MSat) yesterday. There are also recent candids of her out with one of their pacifiers in her mouth.

The British press lambasted Amy Winehouse for her performance at the Mobo awards Wednesday night in London, in which she seemed to forget the words to the song she was performing and looked a bit tipsy on stage. She soldiered on with her performance, mumbling the words to cover up what she couldn’t remember and still maintaining her composure. She also was said to have spit before accepting the award for best female.

I didn’t see the spitting incident in the video available, but her performance is on You Tube and it wasn’t awful, she just mumbled a lot. The crowd seemed to like her and really went crazy. You can tell that she couldn’t remember the words to the first song, “Tears Dry on Their Own,” but she did better with “Me and Mr. Jones,” her next performance.

Here’s the video, thanks to The Blemish for linking it. This was also in yesterday’s link post, I just didn’t get to cover this until today:

And here’s The Sun’s description of Amy’s performance shown above, which is generally accurate but seems a bit harsh. She is also said to have flipped out screaming backstage, but if that was true you think The Sun would have gone on about it forever. Two lines without much detail just make them seem guilty for making it up. Amy certainly seems capable of it, but wouldn’t they have more dirt on this incident if it really happened?

Then she took the microphone and appeared to spit before saying a brief thank-you.

She followed that with a shoddy rendition of Tears Dry On Their Own – forgetting half the words.

During the performance Amy twitched, pulled at her black-and-white dress and gripped the mic stand as she swayed precariously.

Her version of Me And Mr Jones was slightly better – at least she remembered the words. Trouble started before the show.

A source said: “In her dressing room she was really on edge, then flipped. She was screaming and chucking anything she could get her hands on at the people around her. She wasn’t in a good way.”

[From The Sun]

And she was said to have ordered a lot of booze backstage before her performance, along with some much-needed food to absorb some of it:

On the “essential” list handed to the O2 Arena were one large bottle of vodka, two bottles of Jack Daniels and two more bottles of Veuve Cliquot, not to mention two bottles of red Rioja wine and 48 of Heineken beer.

Amy gave a lacklustre performance of Tears Dry On Their Own and Me and Mrs Jones at the awards show at the O2 dome in London

Among her requests backstage were some signs that Winehouse is trying to bring a little health into her diet.

Along with the packs of Haribo sweets, chicken drumsticks, chocolate bars, chips and dips, she also requested fresh fruit - though that might have been for slices of lemon to pop in the vodka.

[From the Daily Mail]

And because she was at the Mobos, Amy couldn’t attend the Vodafone Live Awards on the same night - so she sent the owner of her local pub to go for her. She won the award for best female there too, and her representative said “We’re putting it behind the bar.”

Amy and her new husband/enabler, Blake Fielder Civil, had a huge argument before her performance, and Amy was said to be asking how much it would end up costing her if she divorced the creep.

There’s a recent picture of Amy sans makeup and beehive accepting a package through her window. She looks awful and is clearly being delivered drugs.

She might have ODed and hasn’t dumped her husband yet or cleaned up, but she’s still holding on by the thin thread of her talent. I care a lot more what happens to her than Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or Lindsay Lohan. Winehouse is more talented than all three of them combined, but if she dies young or ruins her health even a little bit more the world will have to make due with what she’s already recorded.

Ben Affleck is a talented poker player who has won multiple tournaments, including the California State Poker Championship in 2004, in which he took home $356,000 to add to his immense wealth from appearing in crappy action movies.

He’s curbed his trips to Vegas after marrying the lovely Jennifer Garner, and now makes due playing online poker. He’s getting addicted to it, though, and is said to be spending four nights a week playing the game, and wasting up to $20,000 a night. His wife is pissed and wants him to quit.

Ben Affleck loves poker, but he could be about to take his biggest gamble yet - with his marriage to Jennifer Garner! “She frowns on the game, so he swore off poker completely,” says a source. “Ben didn’t want to miss out on any family time with Jen or their daughter, Violet.” But two years after they wed, the couple is settled into married life, and the routine seems to be getting a little boring. “Ben decided to reopen some old online accounts and is back to playing the game on his computer about four nights a week,” says the source. “He wants to really master it.” Unfortunately, mastering poker likely means lot family time - and money. He sometimes drops up to $20,00 a night! “Their marriage is going strong, but she wants him to stop before it could cause a problem between them.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, September 24, 2007]

Affleck blowing $80g a week is like my husband gambling away a couple of hundred bucks a month. It would annoy me if I found out about it, but it’s not like it would break the bank.

It’s telling that the most scandalous story about these two after two years of marriage is the fact that Affleck likes to play poker online. That’s a pretty tame hobby if he can afford it, and it’s not like he’s hurting anyone. He was once known for enjoying the company of strippers and hookers and partying too hard. Now he’s sitting at home betting online.

Garner might be a little miffed but she’s probably not that bothered by it. It’s not like he’s going out drinking or headed to Vegas where you know the cocktail waitresses would be all over him, especially considering how good a tipper he’s said to be. These two will work it out. I would say they’re the most well respected celebrity couple, and that’s because they’re refreshingly normal and seem down to earth. It kind of makes me like Affleck more to hear that he’s jonesing to gamble online. I know it can be a serious problem, but I can relate to computer addiction.

Affleck is shown in the header image on the set of “He’s Just Not That Into You” today. I love his expression. Thanks to Splash News for this picture.

Britney predictably went out partying Tuesday night until the wee hours, stumbling to her car visibly drunk. This is just after learning that she needed to stop drinking if she wanted to keep her kids. She had several options to make sure that the entire world didn’t learn that she’s unable and/or unwilling to take the judge’s orders seriously.

Britney could have:
1. Stayed home and tried to tough it out, dealing with the DTs and sweating and hallucinating, if she’s that far gone already. Surely whatever withdrawal she would suffer is less than the heartbreak of losing her children.
2. Stayed home and got wasted there. At least it wouldn’t be public knowledge.
3. Gone out to a non-hotspot where only the paparazzi who follow her would have documented her drunkenness.

Instead, Britney went out to hotspots Hyde and Winstons, where photographers wait for celebrity sightings all night. Her behavior was a definite “fuck you” to the court system, and to anyone who dare ask her to behave like the mother of two small children. She wants her childhood back, and she doesn’t want to have any responsibilities whatsoever. It looks like two of them are about to be taken off her hands.

There’s also a recent quote from an “insider” who says that Britney has serious eating issues, and regularly throws up, starves herself, and binges. This might be just a made up story based on known information about Britney. She supposedly talked in group therapy in rehab about how she’s been bulimic for years, and her assistant, Alli, is quoted as saying she starved herself for three days before the VMAs.

The “friend” tells OK! Magazine that Britney also called her fat and disgusting, a clear case of projection. I’m not saying Britney’s fat, she’s normal, she just clearly has issues over it and is said to have bawled that she looked like a fat pig after seeing herself moping around on stage:

As the judge in her custody battle with ex-hubby Kevin Federline orders Britney Spears to undergo testing for drug and alcohol use, OK! can report that friends of the beleaguered pop star are worried sick that her starve-and-bing relationship with food may be pushing her even deeper into despair.

“Britney told me, ‘I’ll starve myself because I’m fat,’” one friend of the singer reveals to OK!. “She kept telling me she thought I was fat and disgusting.”

[From OK Magazine]

If only Britney would hire someone who would help her exercise and cook her meals like Jessica Simpson did, she would be able to lose weight without yo-yoing and torturing herself, but that would involve admitting she needs help and taking advice. We know all too well that she is woefully incapable of either.

It’s remarkable to watch Britney fuck up so consistently. It seems to be the only thing she’s capable of lately, and just about any story about her seems believable. That’s why I was so quick to believe that she put a hit out on K-Fed. (The LAPD said they investigated a threat on K-Fed’s life after it was turned over to them by the FBI, but that it was not credible and the investigations are now closed.)

Britney still has some options to keep her children if she can put aside her sense of entitlement at being a train wreck. She can’t leave LA to sober up, because if she wants to keep her children she has to commit about 14 hours a week to various meetings with parenting coaches and individual and joint therapy with K-Fed. Despite behavior indicating she’s not ready to lift a finger, she still can chose to clean up, get sober, and keep her children. It’s possible even if she stays put. Since someone else is telling her to do that, it’s doubtful she’ll even put a modicum of work into obeying court orders. She did get glasses for cosmetic reasons, though. Maybe that means she wants people to start taking her seriously.

The most likely outcome of this situation is that we’ll see Britney lose her children and continue to make a public spectacle of herself. And that’s just sad and predictable.

It might be better for her kids if they only see her occasionally, though. US Weekly reports that it takes days for them to recover after their visits with her.

Thanks to Splash News for the header photo.

The court papers in Britney Spears’ custody hearing are available online, and they’re placing some pretty stringent requirements on her. Both Britney and K-Fed are given strict guidelines they must meet, with Britney required to undergo random bi-weekly drug testing, go to individual therapy, and work with a parenting coach. Both K-Fed and Britney must go to join counseling and take a parenting class. It sounds like the judge is concerned for the welfare of the children and takes the allegations made against Britney seriously.

Contrary to earlier reports, Britney will not lose custody of her boys even temporarily, and the 50/50 custody arrangement will continue, with these stipulations.

Britney’s requirements:

• Britney has to go to individual counseling once a week to “address parenting issues.” She must enroll in ten days.
• Britney must meet with a parenting coach for at least eight hours a week, at least twice a week. The parenting coach will observe Britney with her boys and make recommendations. The coach must submit a written report to the lawyers by October 22 and appear in the court on November 26.
• Britney has to undergo drug and alcohol testing twice a week at random times. The explanation of the reason was harsh and said “Based on the Evidence presented, the Court finds that there is habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by the petitioner [Britney]” Britney will have to pay for the drug tests herself.
• The judge also makes stipulations for how the test results are to be delivered to the court and is conscious of the media circus surrounding Britney. They say that the drug test results must be filed hard copy and not faxed. They will also be sealed and not released unless there is a court order. To avoid the inevitable leaking of results the state that “unauthorized distribution…. is punishable by civil sanctions of up to $2,5000.” That’s nothing. An underpaid civil servant can probably get $10k at least from a tabloid for that.

K-Fed and Britney’s joint requirements

• They both have to take co-parenting counseling together and split the costs. Their lawyers are supposed to help them reach an agreement as to a therapist.
• Neither Britney or K-Fed is supposed to drink or do drugs at all either 12 hours before or during the times they have custody of the children.
• Both Britney and K-Fed must complete the “Parenting Without Conflict” program. They don’t have to do it at the same time, and must show the court within 5 days that they have enrolled in that or something equivalent. They also have the option of going into a private program, and providing the court with proof as an alternative to that program.
• They can’t make “derogatory remarks” about each other or about each other’s families or significant others in front of the children.
• They’re not supposed to take the children out of state without prior written consent from the other parent or the court. If they take the boys out of California with permission, the have to provide the flight numbers and the addresses and telephone numbers of where they will be staying to the other parent.
• They have to notify the other if they move or if they change any of the nannies. All nannies must be certified by the Red Cross in Infant and Child CPR and first aid. If their current nannies are not certified, they must take classes.
• Both must file income and expense declarations. I think K-Fed is being asked to submit his lawyer’s fees, as he must file a “Keech” declaration.

Do you think Britney will meet even half of the requirements?
Here’s the breakdown of all of Britney’s weekly responsibilities under these court orders and how much time it will take:
- 1 hour of individual counseling
- 8 hours with a parenting coach in two separate sessions
- Two sessions of drug testing. (About 1/2 hour if you consider transit, maybe more)
- 1 hour of co-parenting counseling with K-Fed
- 3 hours a week for six weeks in the Parenting without Conflict program [From PDF brochure on LA Superior Court Website]

Total weekly time commitment from Britney: 14 hours

The girl was four hours late to a rehearsal for the most important performance of her life, and wanted to cancel it ten minutes before she went on. Asking Britney to start showing up and participating like this is like trying to train someone who can’t get out of bed to do a triathalon. It’s possible, but it’s not going to happen overnight.

Britney will also have to abstain from drinking or doing drugs 1/2 of the time when the kids are with her. K-Fed gets a pass, though, which hardly seems fair.

We’ll see how motivated Britney is to keep her children now. I would walk on hot coals daily for my son, but I think Britney would just ask her people to do it for her and then fire them when they got blisters.

Update: Thanks to commentor Kolby for reminding me of the “No Corporal Punishment” requirement in the court documents. It stated that “Each party is restrained from using corporal punishment with the minor children and from allowing anyone else to do so,” which people are interpreting as meaning there was an allegation that the boys were being spanked. That’s terrible.

All details from PDF court file available on TMZ.com

Picture note: Britney is shown in the header image looking depressed yesterday. She got new glasses, went to her old house to pick up her stroller and car or something, and then stopped for gas, which a paparazzo pumped for her because there were too many photographers around and she was scared to do it. Thanks to Splash News for the photo.

Amy Winehouse sure isn’t good about keeping things hidden from the press. Other celebrities get into fights with their spouses, maybe do some drugs, or God forbid cut themselves – they do it in private. X17 isn’t generally there to grab photos. Amy Winehouse and her husband have a fight? The whole thing’s documented, because they chase each other through the street. Amy cuts herself, and then walks through London holding a blood-soaked rag. Totally normal, right?

“There are fresh concerns for troubled singer Amy Winehouse after she was spotted in the streets with blood dripping from her hand. The 23-year-old boozer was seen clutching a blood covered cloth to stop bleeding from a wound to her hand. She was photographed as she climbed out of a taxi in Chelsea, London. Winehouse, who has been open about her self-harming in the past, tried to conceal the injury in a blood-soaked hankerchief, which was dripping onto her shoes. An onlooker said: ‘Her hand looked to be in a right state, she tightly gripped it with a piece of material but you could still see the wound.’

The Rehab singer shocked fans last month after fleeing London’s Sanderson hotel in the early hours of the morning, covered in blood and scratches after a scrap with her husband. Winehouse opted out of rehab following the last bloodied encounter, fleeing Britain for a holiday with Blake in St. Lucia. The couple’s troubles looked to be behind them after she and Blake, 25, arrived hand-in-hand at her comeback performance at the Mercury Music Awards earlier in the month.

[From Metro UK]

Cutting is one of those psychological disorders I’ve never been able to fathom in the slightest. But it’s really sad and upsetting that Amy has done this for so long, and still hasn’t had help for it. Though to be fair, she’s done a lot of bad things for a long time without getting treatment. The cutting thing was always kind of weird to me, because she was so vocal about it. Part of me wonders how much of this is shown in an effort to get attention. I’m not saying she’s necessarily doing it for attention, but that she might be showing it for that reason. She’s just acting out so much in public that I have a hard time believing it’s all totally legitimate. I’m sure her issues and her pain are, but her way of handling her issues is bordering on exploiting it. Amy was recently dropped as the singer for the new “007” theme song. Producers cited her issues as the reason they didn’t want to work with her. In a short time, all that attention is going to lead to tiny apartment and a dead-end job… at best.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Amy out with husband Blake Fielder-Civil at the Century Club in London for her birthday this past Friday. Images thanks to PR Photos.