Poor Kate Bosworth. She’s a legend in her own mind, obviously, but I wonder what she does when her reality hits her? She barely gets work, she’s trying to make a few other careers happen (to little avail), and now her biggest gig of the year is… singing in a commercial for Topshop, the British clothing chain. Topshop hired Kate for their holiday campaign, and The Bos got her fiancé Michael Polish to direct the commercial. Polish and Bosworth decided to base the commercial on The Fabulous Baker Boys, which is probably one of my favorite Michelle Pfeiffer movies ever. In that film, Pfeiffer’s voice wasn’t the strongest voice you’ll ever hear, but it was throaty and sexy and sultry. So how does The Bos’s voice compare? UGH.

Who told Kate Bosworth that she should sing in public? Granted, she’s not flat-out awful, but it isn’t like “Oh, wow, she’s great!” either. Her voice is too weak and breathy, and she’s aiming for Michelle Pfeiffer’s sultry sex appeal, and it just falls flat. I’m embarrassed for Kate Bosworth.

The Bos told Us Weekly: “Topshop is a cool brand I’ve always worn, so to create this film with them was so much fun. Michael and I got to hang out in London for a couple weeks to work with the whole team there — we even got staff passes! I hope everyone enjoys watching it as much as we did making it.” Um, “to create this film”? Hahaha. It’s a commercial. For real. So cheesy. And there’s a “behind-the-scenes” too!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

If anyone had ever told me back in 1984 that Madonna would still be playing the role of a barely-clad, sexed-up vamp in 2012, well, I wouldn’t have known what to say. To start, I was only 9 or 10 years old when Madonna burst onto the scene, so the future meant nothing to me at all that point. Also, I had no idea what sex or “Like a Virgin” meant, but that’s all in the distant past. What I’m trying to say is this: While I appreciate that Madonna roared through her 40s looking pretty damn hot and I am very sensitive to remarks regarding age, I still can’t fathom that she’s still doing this stuff at the age of 54.

This new advertising campaign for Madonna’s Truth or Dare Naked perfume is a perfect example of Madge’s refusal to get dressed and carry herself with a modicum of dignity and respect. Those totally aren’t her real boobs, right? No matter how much one works out, boobs (real ones, anyway) don’t lie. You can push them up in a glorious bra, but once that bra comes off, it’s evident that there is some skin on the body that doesn’t retain elasticity from exercise. This is Madonna though, and she’s been deluded about her true age for quite some time. She still insists on showing off her butt cheeks at nearly any given opportunity, and her reliance on Photoshop for ad campaigns has been exposed within so many untouched photos that I’ve lost count. We all know what she really looks like these days, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just wish that at a certain point Madonna would embrace her true age as a reflection of the “ultra-powerful woman” image that she has embodied for decades now.

No matter what Photoshop (or a rack double) can do for Madonna though, she’s still a 54-year-old woman wearing a cheerleading outfit. Here she is performing last night in Homestead, Florida.

Photos courtesy of WENN

As Kaiser reported in September, Gwyneth Paltrow has gone downmarket by signing on as the face of Max Factor cosmetics. In addition to the obvious slumming that Goop is doing for the quick buck endorsement, it’s also worth noting that she’s not a makeup person at all. In fact, Gwyneth has been known to attend events sans makeup because, basically, she can’t do her own makeup. So for whatever reason (the almighty Goop dollar), Gwyneth decided to sign on to tell all of the peasants exactly how they should do their makeup. Yeah, I don’t get it either, but let’s just humor her anyway.

Did you know that there are “seven sides of Gwyneth Paltrow“? That’s what Max Factor would have us believe about Goop, who has apparently inspired (through her illustrious, divine life) seven different make-up looks to inspire seven respective different aspects of their advertising campaign. Let’s see if I can come up with seven different reflections of Goop: shopper, traveller, shopper, woodburning-oven pizza baker, shopper. Ahhh, I give up. Luckily for the unimaginative sorts like me, Max Factor has already dreamt up seven different occupations for the “multi-tasking” Gwyneth, and they’ve already started with the most unlikely: writer!

Uh, writer? That’s an odd place to start considering that each of Goop’s newsletters generally consist of one paragraph of lofty, thesaurus-driven prose followed by a guest writer. She even used a ghostwriter for last year’s cookbook, My Father’s Daughter, in which Gwyneth was found to have actually written (all by herself), “I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun… except hot dogs (sorry, Dad).” Well, Max Factor still seems to think that Goop is a real writer, and so they’ve interviewed her as part of their advertising campaign. Here’s what she had to say in her defense:

On her “writer” persona: “The writer persona is me going into town for a lunch or into London for a meeting or going to a friend’s house for dinner. Or me when I’m most myself, doing something creative, having a look that says, confidence, creativity but still very much who I am.”

She’s not really a make-up girl: “I have a funny relationship with make-up, in my own life I wear very little of it. It’s huge part of my professional life and I have been getting it done since I was 18 for films and attending premieres. It’s been important for the professional aspects of my life. As I’m getting older I’m trying to experiment with make up more myself and use it more myself around the house. My make-up routine is very simple. I’m big into mascara and blusher and that’s about as far as I get when I’m running around at home.”

She’s learned so much from this campaign: “It’s been interesting doing the shoot and I’m starting to pay attention more to what the make-up artists do and how I can do it in my own life. I think maybe I can try this trick at home – maybe I can be a bit more brave and try a red lipstick or something.”

[From Max Factor]

Oh Gwyneth, hahaha. Her “writer” persona is nothing like the vast majority of people who actually write for a living. My friends don’t normally throw dinner parties as part of our profession — we meet at Panera Bread. But that doesn’t involve vintage wine and, therefore, is too gauche for Goop. I think the main part of the problem with the Goop’s “writer” persona is that she doesn’t speak at all about the actual writing process. Instead, she thinks it’s all about going out in London for dinner and meetings, which doesn’t really speak to the solitary process of a writer. Those differences aside, Goop doesn’t have any interest in doing her own makeup, and even if she did, she wouldn’t realize that a lot of writers stay at home and don’t put on makeup just to do their jobs. Still, I know how to do my own makeup, even if it usually only involves some minimal eyeliner and lip gloss.

Here’s a behind-the-scenes video (thanks to the Telegraph) of Gwyneth spouting off about makeup. She’s making far too much money for this.

Screencaps courtesy of Max Factor

Here are some more photos of Robert Pattinson at this weekend’s LACMA Art + Film Gala. Sparkles went solo to the event, and he reportedly spent most of his time schmoozing with all of the Hollywood A-listers and then some. According to Hollywood Life’s eyewitness, “Rob acted like a total gentleman at the gala. He was very polite to everyone. He spent most of the evening speaking with Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg. He seemed to be in great spirits.” I saw photos of him looking friendly with Florence Welch too.

So many of Rob’s moves these days say to me that he’s positioning himself to become a bigger, more respected Hollywood player post-Twilight. The tabloids may claim that Rob just wants to go home to London and focus on his music, but everything he’s done since Kristen cheated on him seems to show that he cares about his acting career and he’s planning for a future in Hollywood, and that he’s positioning himself as a “total pro” within the industry – the happy warrior who will go out there and sell his films, even when his girlfriend is screwing her married director. Just look at how many new movies Rob has signed on for since the Twihard Meltdown, you know? And here’s further evidence that Rob is in it for the long-haul: Sparkles has just signed on to a major, MAJOR endorsement deal.

Smell you, Robert Pattinson!

E! News can exclusively reveal that the Twilight star has signed a mega-deal with Christian Dior. Pattinson will star in a series of ad campaigns for the French fashion house’s line of men’s fragrances.

“Rob likes the brand,” reports a source, who estimates the deal at being worth close to $12 million for three years.

Other celebs who have endorsed Dior fragrances include Jude Law, Charlize Theron and Natalie Portman, who appeared in a controversial topless ad last year.

R.Pattz is no stranger to Dior. He’s hit the red carpet in several different Dior Homme looks, including a tuxedo at this year’s Cannes Film Festival and jeans at the Teen Choice Awards.

[From E! News]

A three-year contract for close to $12 million? Well done, Rob. I like this choice, and it will probably bring in a younger clientele for Dior cologne. Twihard girls will buy Dior cologne for their boyfriends/husbands (because some of these Twihards are actually soccer moms, you know). I wonder what Kristen Stewart will have to say about this? You know she thinks she’s too hardcore and authentic to become the face of a “soulless makeup company” and yet she represents Balenciaga’s perfume. I really hope Rob doesn’t come out and try to act like he’s too hardcore for his $12 million deal too. He probably won’t.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.

I’m including some of the press-kit images that Chanel sent us for Brad Pitt’s campaign. The black-and-white images are by Sam Taylor-Wood (Sam Taylor-Johnson, really), and the color images are by Mario Sorrenti. I prefer the ones in color – Brad looks more like a dude who is slowly taking off his tuxedo because he’s coming to bone you. In the b&w images, he looks like the dude operating a backroom weed shop. I flat-out LOATHE the image they chose for the official print ad too – it looks poorly Photoshop’d, and for the love of God, Brad really needs to close his mouth.

Anyway, Chanel released their second commercial – it’s basically the same commercial as before, only this one has more chicks.

Compare it to the first ad – same bulls—t “script”, but this one is just Brad:

Meh. I guess I like the one with the chicks more? It gave me something else to concentrate on other than the dumb script that Brad is reciting. I really don’t understand this new Chanel tagline either – “Chanel: Inevitable”. RLY? It is “inevitable” that I’ll wear Chanel No. 5? No, it’s not. I asked for Ralph Lauren’s Safari for Women for Christmas, thank you very much.

PS… The Guardian has a funny story about how Brad’s Chanel ads are awful, but that Chanel ads have a history of being kind of awful.

Photos courtesy of CHANEL.

Lana del Rey and her completely real lips continue to be a bigger deal than anyone could have ever imagined or asked for. After she captured a Vogue UK cover and was named GQ’s Woman of the Year, Lana was named the face of H&M for its fall campaign and accompanying creepy Lynchian short film. She’s also just been revealed as the face of Jaguar automobiles, and you can see her first commercial here. I’ll admit that Lana has a pretty nice body, but the rest of her just seems so damn fake.

Now H&M has revealed its new holiday campaign featuring Lana, and the adverts revolve around big hair, big lips, and big cars with some clothes somewhere in the mix. Oh, and there’s either a major Photoshop fail in this particular shot, or the shadows are messing around quite a bit with the look of the entire picture. I can’t tell which is to blame for the sketchiness here because it looks like a huge chunk of Lana’s abdomen is missing as she lounges upon this vehicle.

Most of the rest of the ad campaign revolves around Lana sticking her butt onto cars. I don’t really know what this has to do with selling clothing, but H&M must know what they’re doing. Or so I would assume.

Photos courtesy of H&M

Brad Pitt’s first official ad/commercial for Chanel has come out! And it’s a doozy. Except not really. I guess I built it up in my head, thinking that it was basically going to be Pantless Brad Pitt holding a box of chocolates and talking dirty to a perfume. I didn’t realize that it was going to be about, like, the universe and how it’s not a journey and we’re all going to die, so we might as well wear Chanel No. 5 or something. I don’t really think “Inevitable” should be the tagline. Wearing Chanel No. 5 is NOT fait accompli!

It’s underwhelming. I almost think it would have been more powerful if Brad had been looking into the camera the whole time. I can’t believe they hired Joe Wright – a solid director known for his period films – to direct this simple, minimalist commercial. It’s weird. Brad released a statement too:

“What’s important to remember about Chanel N°5 is how revolutionary this fragrance is. When it was introduced, it broke all the rules by discarding meaningless ornamentation for an honest and open aesthetic, and a scent which embodies liberation from trend, creating a fragrance which remains as modern today as it was during its inception. Chanel N°5 has always been the most iconic women’s fragrance. The beauty of its success for all these years is both elegantly simple and complex at the same time. That’s what I see being the appeal of this campaign; it goes beyond the abstract of emotion or beauty to evoke what is timeless, a woman’s spirit.”

[Via The Mail]

Dear Brad: I want to defend you, but seriously? Enough with the pretense. It’s a perfume ad, not women’s suffrage. Perfume IS NOT LIBERATING. Perfume is not a revolution.

Photos courtesy of Chanel.

Last week, we covered the Women’s Wear Daily exclusive on Brad Pitt’s Chanel contract, and how the new ad campaign would be dropping on October 15th, and how Brad probably got paid somewhere in the vicinity of $7 million for the campaign – a figure that many of you took issue with. You know that Nicole Kidman got much more than that when she became the face of Chanel No. 5, right? She was reportedly paid $12 million for her appearances in commercials and the print campaign. But I digress. WWD said that Brad’s Chanel commercial would “feature Pitt speaking in a way that the viewer assumes he’s speaking to a woman — and then it’s revealed that the addressee is actually the scent.” I wrote, “It might be kind of sexy. The commercial sounds like it’s just Brad talking dirty to a perfume. Which is kind of funny, and it could be really great.” Well, the teasers have come out, and it’s pretty much Brad talking dirty to a perfume:

It has potential. It could be good. I know this is going to become about how TOTALLY AWFUL Brad looks (?) and how “Jennifer Aniston had him when he was hot” and all of that middle school stuff – most of which I disagree with strenuously – but can we all just admit to ourselves that Brad actually has a great voice? He has that Missouri drawl, it’s sort of Southern and low and it makes me tingly. His voice has improved over the years. I remember when it was a lot higher.

These are some photos that some people claim are part of Brad’s Chanel campaign. They’re nice photos overall, so enjoy.

Photos courtesy of Chanel, Bolero Mag.

Back in May, Chanel announced that Brad Pitt was the new “Face” of Chanel No. 5, Chanel’s iconic perfume. Previously “faces” of Chanel No. 5 have included Nicole Kidman, Audrey Tautou, Vanessa Paradis and Catherine Deneuve, amongst others. So a lot of people were scratching their heads over Brad Pitt’s contract. Why hire a man – granted, an attractive man – to represent an iconic perfume for women? Well, Chanel is preparing all of us for the rollout, which should come in the next few weeks. Chanel released the second promotional photo (the header photo) to WWD, and they teased the new campaign:

Can a man effectively sell a women’s fragrance? Chanel is using Brad Pitt to find out.

In mid-October, the brand will do a global unveiling of its first project with Pitt (whom it signed in May): a commercial and print ad for the iconic Chanel No.5.

“To keep a legend fresh, you always have to change its point of view,” said Andrea d’Avack, president, Chanel Fragrance & Beauty. “It is the first time we’ve had a man speaking about a women’s fragrance. We think very much that the perfume is a seduction between a man, a woman and the perfume. No.5 is our leading fragrance, and we are willing to make the investment to keep it on that level.”

D’Avack emphasized that the brand plans to use Pitt only on No.5. He joins a host of celebrity faces to front the 91-year-old scent — from Ali MacGraw, Catherine Deneuve and Candice Bergen to Nicole Kidman, Audrey Tautou and Vanessa Paradis.

While he wouldn’t spill many details, d’Avack noted that the commercial, shot by Joe Wright, features Pitt speaking in a way that the viewer assumes he’s speaking to a woman — and then it’s revealed that the addressee is actually the scent. Wright has worked with Chanel since 2006, and directed several Coco Mademoiselle commercials with Keira Knightley, whom he is also directing in the upcoming “Anna Karenina.”

The Pitt commercial is planned for an Oct. 15 global launch, while the print ad is expected to begin appearing in November fashion, beauty and lifestyle magazines. D’Avack added that the campaign will also include extensive social-media outreach. “We are reaching the ecosystem of communications vehicles,” he said. “We believe this dynamic, modern campaign will make people think in a completely different way about No.5.”

While d’Avack declined to comment on the advertising spend for the Pitt campaign, industry sources estimated that the brand was spending at least $10 million on U.S. advertising, as well as an estimated $7 million for Pitt’s services.

[From WWD]

If the print ads are already appearing in November fashion magazines, then we should be getting our first look at them very, very soon. The UK fashion magazine come out before the American magazines for the most part, especially for subscribers. I wonder what image they’ll use? A closeup of Brad’s face, which is what Chanel released in May (image below)? As for the commercial… it might be kind of sexy. The commercial sounds like it’s just Brad talking dirty to a perfume. Which is kind of funny, and it could be really great.

Header photo is Brad Pitt and Joe Wright shot by Sam Taylor-Wood for CHANEL, courtesy of WWD, second photo courtesy of CHANEL as well. Additional pic by WENN.

Now we resume our irregular programing wherein Lana del Rey and her completely real lips continue to inexplicably take over the world. During our last episode, Lizzie Lana was taking off all her clothes as GQ UK’s Woman of the Year. Now she’s looming over Berlin, Germany in this new (and seriously huge) H&M advertising campaign. This is a bit excessive even for a billboard display, right?

In addition to the print campaign for H&M, Lana has also filmed a new television spot that is obviously meant as a homage to David Lynch’s Blue Velvet. In the commercial, Lana sings a bit of the movie’s titular song before a little person runs in and cuts the sound. It suffices to say that there’s quite a bit of “Twin Peaks” influence involved in this ad spot as well. Take a look if you can stand it:

That’s not all though! The commercial (which was shot by Swedish director Johan Renck), which is actually a teaser for a “fashion film” that will be available on H&M’s website at some point on Wednesday. See? Lana del Ray is everywhere, and she’s not going away anytime soon even though she’s promised to stop recording songs and transition into screenwriting. And yeah, some producer has probably already decided that she’s got the makings of an actress too. Gird your loins, people.

Here are some of the other shots from the H&M campaign. I know it makes me a “hater” to admit that I just don’t get this chick, but that’s the damn truth of the matter.

Photos courtesy of H&M and WENN