OMG. OMG!!!!! I just watched Jessica Simpson’s new Weight Watchers commercial twice, and it might be the funniest/weirdest thing of the day. I’m including the commercial below, but before you watch it, I need to prepare you for something. Do not expect Jessica to come out in some tight outfit, proclaiming that she’s dropped 6 sizes or anything. Do not expect to see Jessica’s Weight Watchers body whatsoever. This commercial is only about Jessica’s FACE. The camera never goes any lower than Jessica’s cleavage, and a large part of the commercial is done in extreme close-up. Jessica has great skin and a really annoying voice, but you’ve got to think that Weight Watchers is kind of disappointed with how little they could show of her body:

CB and I were discussing the current incarnation of the Weight Watchers program, and whether Jessica is the best saleswoman for their message. CB thinks (and I agree) that WW should just come out with specifics in their ads – like, “This program is about portion control and being healthier and it’s going to take time.” If Jessica came out and said that and showed her body and said, “I’m more than half-way to meeting my goal weight, I am in progress on this,” I think I would be much more accepting of this whole endeavor. Instead, this whole thing seems like a fraudulent shell game, like Jessica endlessly repeating, “I’m not a supermodel” while protecting her angles is supposed to make us BELIEVE.

Y’all know I had sympathy for Jessica during her pregnancy, and in the months following the birth. I didn’t like the way people ganged up on her for gaining weight, and I felt like Jessica got in over her head with the Weight Watchers contract, like they were forcing her to start the program before she was ready. But this is not the way to retain my sympathy.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, screencaps from the commercial.

I really feel like The House of Dereon is the bête noire of the Beyonce-Jay-Z Empire. Everything that Jay and Bey touch must turn to gold, and to their credit, almost everything they produce feels labored over and special. The one exception to their whole vibe of “luxury, elitism, special-ness” is The House of Dereon. Because it looks like what it is – WalMart crap. Cheap designs, made inexpensively and sold to the Bey-stans at a huge mark-up. The House of Dereon was started as a pet project between Beyonce and her mother Tina. Personally, I think Tina should get most of the blame – I feel like we’re seeing her tacky fingerprints all over this mess, more so than Beyonce. Bey can be kind of tacky too (at least, her style can be kind of tacky).

Anyway, these are some shots from the latest House of Dereon fall ad campaign, starring Beyonce of course. The styling, the way these ads are shot… it’s not completely awful. At least they look professional and somewhat luxurious, which is definitely an improvement from past Dereon ad campaigns. As for the clothes… well, this is how Beyonce has been dressing ever since she gave birth (cough). Like, she just jacked Zoe Kravtiz’s 2011 style and slapped a “Dereon” label on it. I’m so sick of those hats and those sunglasses!!

I would love to know how much money this Dereon crap brings into the Beyonce Empire. I can’t imagine that it’s seen as a respectable, quality label.

Ads courtesy of House of Dereon.

The other day, I was having a moment where I was really feeling like, “Mm… I should look at pretty pictures of Alexander Skarsgard and see if I can get pregnant just from looking at his Viking body.” I ended up watching a few of his older talk show interviews, and before I even knew what was happening, my lady-parts-buzz had dwindled. He’s sexy in motion, for sure, and he’s pretty to look at. But… his voice bugs me a little. I’m sure it’s just me. But from here on out, I won’t be listening to him when he speaks.

Thankfully, Alex does not speak in his new Calvin Klein commercial. Did you know he’s the new “face” of Calvin Klein “Encounter: A Fragrance for Men”? True story. I honestly think it’s a pretty good fit – CK was looking for someone attractive but interesting, and Alex is a great model, but as he gets older, he’s losing his “pretty” and becoming more rugged/hot/sexy. Here’s the commercial and my second-by-second analysis is below:

*Oooh, Alex driving a car. He should be a car model!

*The lighting really compliments his face.

*Lara Stone!! GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU TRAMPIRE. No, I jest. She’s obviously waiting for a random, h0rny Viking to come to her clifftop glass house in the middle of a hurricane, just so he can bang her senseless. Just wait for it.

*Notice we can barely see her face. The director must have been like, “Meh, who cares about the girl. Can I closeup of Alexander’s bulge please?”

*The architecture of that crazy house is really bugging me. I doubt it’s structurally sound.

*Alex looks into the glass house at the blurry image of Lara Stone, thinking to himself: “This bitch knows I forgot my umbrella. This is my favorite suit too!”

*Lara’s body language is all, “Bang me against the window, yo.”

*Okay, Alex looking into the security camera is HOT. That’s a really hot image. It made me wonder what it would be like to be banged by Alexander in the middle of a hurricane.

*Dear Lara Stone: The Viking is HERE. Stop sauntering around like you don’t know where to go. Take off your panties and wait by the window, for God’s sake.

*HE IS IN THE HOUSE. Get ready for him, Lara.

*Alex’s face is all, “Seriously, I hope she already took off her panties. Can a brother get a towel, by the way?”

*Why is this like a game of hide and seek? Bitch, you saw him pull up in the car. Why are you hiding from him?

*Finally, he sees her. Cutaway to the waves breaking on the rocks. Like the motion of the ocean, Alexander will bang ‘er.

*And basically she has an O just from him touching her jaw and looking intensely at her. Just so.

*lights cigarette*

Calvin Klein ads.

I’ll be perfectly honest here and admit that I only really wanted to write about these new Katy Perry photos (part of her new advertising campaign for the hair brand ghd) because of a certain other set of NSFW photos of Katy at a waterpark and losing her bikini down a water slide. Essentially, her booty was exposed for all of the gathered spectators as well as the paps, and eventually, us as well. Here’s my question — it is now confirmed that Katy has a very lovely figure, right? I know that I hate on her quite a bit, but one can’t deny the power of that (marvelously white) booty.

Now onto the actual subject of this post: Katy’s latest advert campaign, which was shot by the legendary Ellen von Unwerth for hair brand ghd. The shoot itself is rather glamorous and unlike the candy-cane confections that we’ve come to expect from anything associated with Katy. However, I find it quite odd that People has declared Katy to be “naturally gorgeous“ in this shoot (which promises a “a good hair day with katy“) for ghd’s brand, which primarily pertains to hair-straightening devices. This is all well and good except that Katy’s actual hair looks like this right now. Even if one takes into account that this shoot may have taken place a few months ago, Katy’s hair has never really looked like this … except when she wears a wig. So this would obviously be a very clear-cut case of false advertisement, right?

Combine a world famous fashion photographer with a genius hair stylist, add international singing star and ghd brand ambassador Katy Perry and leave in an LA studio for two days. Introducing the new ghd 2012 campaign.

When life’s a show and you’ve got one of the starring roles, being caught off guard isn’t usually an option, which is why our new 2012 campaign with Katy Perry is something quite special.

Captured in a series of candid black and white shots displaying a natural confidence, it’s a side of Katy Perry we don’t often get to see. The images were shot in LA at the end of Katy’s world tour by world-renowned fashion photographer Ellen Von Unwerth — famous for her sensual and feminine images of some of the world’s most beautiful women.

The campaign is all about showing the confidence that a good hair day can bring, and thanks to superstar session stylist Danilo there was a whole lot of good hair — Katy’s shown with a different style in each of the shots. All the hair looks are effortlessly beautiful and were styled with the range of ghd stylers, ghd brushes and ghd style products.

“It’s a pleasure working with Katy,” said Danilo. ‘She’s a young, vibrant artist who is really OK about being confident and seeing herself in different ways — extreme, vulnerable, kooky, sexy, expensive looking but playful. She’s a beautiful woman so it’s inspirational.”

[From ghd Hair]

Maybe we’re supposed to be okay with the declaration that this shoot required a “genius hair stylist” who was actually a “wig stylist.” Or maybe it just doesn’t matter that Katy is being just as fake as she always is while selling hair products. Does it really even matter? I’m not currently in the market for a hair-straightening iron, but if I was, ghd wouldn’t even be on my radar thanks to this campaign.

Photos courtesy of ghd

Last year, Rihanna signed on as the face of Nivea, which also sponsored a good chunk of her latest world tour. This always seemed like an odd move on the part of the skin care product brand, which generally projects a very wholesome vibe throughout their advertising campaigns. In sharp contrast, Rihanna has become increasingly well known for posing for obnoxiously trashy vacation photos, in which she often is spotted drinking and doing drugs, and then she usually posts those photos herself all over her social media profiles with her everpresent #thuglife tag. Never mind that the paps have caught her swanning about in see-thru tops and that she’s taken to boozing so hard that she ends up hospitalized.

Well, Nivea has apparently woken up from their deluded slumber, and their new advertising priorities have been reenforced by Stefan Heidenreich, the new head of Nivea’s parent company. According to Heidenreich, Rihanna’s a terrible fit for the brand and is far “too sexy” to represent the brand in the future. No kidding, right?

She’s known for her sexy attitude, raunchy outfits and outrageous behaviour. So it comes as little surprise that Rihanna’s advert for Nivea has been deemed too sexy to front campaigns for the skincare brand.

The star appeared in a series of adverts for the firm, which was a sponsor of her world tour last year, to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the company.

And now cosmetic tycoon Stefan Heidenreich – the new head of Nivea’s parent firm, Beiersdorf – has told German media that the singer should have been considered a “no go” for the brand’s family image. “The advert starring Rihanna was a no go. I do not understand how Nivea can be brought into association with Rihanna.”

In one ad, a family is seen moisturising with Nivea while Rihanna’s sultry hit California King Bed plays in the background. The original video of the song shows the star wearing stockings and lingerie writhing with a man on a bed. Heidenreich added: “Nivea is a company which stands for trust, family and reliability.”

When Nivea signed up the star last year they said they were “very excited” to have her on board. Nivea board member Markus Pinger said in a press release at the time: “Over the past 100 years, Nivea has been an iconic skin-care brand across the world. Rihanna is a music icon and her digital footprint will help us bring our anniversary celebration to consumers wherever they are.”

In July, Forbes magazine said Rihanna’s sponsorship deal with Nivea had helped propel her number three in their top 30 of the richest celebrities under 30 with earnings of $53million in just 12 months.

[From Daily Mail]

The original German article goes even further, and for some reason, both the Mail and Digital Spy have left out the best language, which is as follows: “Heidenreich’s judgement: ‘Rihanna was a No-Go.’ What does the US star, who has been linked to drugs and party excesses, have ‘to do with the core values of Nivea’?, he asked.”

Indeed, it’s hard to believe that Nivea ever decided that employing Rihanna as a spokesperson was a good idea for their company, but it’s also odd that they’re just now figuring this out. Sure, Rihanna’s behavior has accelerated quite a bit lately, but it’s not like she was some virginal ingenue who has only just started boozing and acting trashy in public.

Here’s the advert spot mentioned by the Mail, which shows babies and pregnant bellies receiving the benefits of the skin cream:

In sharp contrast, here’s the self-projected image of Rihanna. We all know she’s trashy, and she knows it too. In fact, she embraces it, and more power to her if that’s how she wants to live. But I guess she needs to find some sponsors who want to project that image as well.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, Nivea, Facebook, and Pacific Coast News

You know what surprises me? Every woman that I’ve encountered kind of loves Pink. They either like her music or they like her personality, or both. She’s brash and funny and smart… and she has a lot of heart. So… basically, she’s a pretty good role model for women of all ages. Which means Pink’s newest gig is pretty cool – the announcement came yesterday: Pink is the newest face of CoverGirl. She joins the ranks of Taylor Swift, Sofia Vergara, Drew Barrymore, Ellen DeGeneres and Queen Latifah. Pink tweeted the header photo with the message, “Guess who’s the new COVERGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!”

The CoverGirls had better look out — there’s a tough new girl in town. Pink was named the newest face of the beauty brand Monday, joining Taylor Swift, Sofia Vergara, Drew Barrymore, Ellen DeGeneres and Queen Latifah (plus two Olympic stars).

“Joining a group of women who have always inspired me — to laugh out loud, let my guard down, or play around with my beauty look — is such an honor,” the singer says in a release. “I have a lot to celebrate. I called my new album The Truth About Love, and the truth is that I have my beautiful family and baby girl, my new music and now my partnership with CoverGirl to love.”

“Pink is a powerful and provocative role model, who has always been an advocate of individualism and making no apologies for who you are,” adds CoverGirl vice president and general manager Esi Eggleston Bracey. “We love the energy and confidence that she radiates, and the fact that inside and out she’s as cool as she looks. She’s an awesome addition to our CoverGirl family.”

Going hand-in-hand with that image, Pink will first promote what the brand is touting as a “bold new mascara innovation,” and celebrate “beauty with an edge” through all of her campaigns. Her first ads will debut this fall.

[From People]

While I never would have thought of Pink as a potential choice to front a makeup/beauty line, I have to applaud CoverGirl’s bold, somewhat unconventional choice. Pink gave birth to Willow last year, and Pink turns 33 years old next month… both of which give her an “in” with CoverGirl’s target markets, I’m sure. I like it when makeup and beauty companies hire “unconventional” people, and I like when they hire someone in their 30s or 40s. As I get older, I get angrier and angrier when some 20-year-old is selling me something. But I identify with Pink – and I think a lot of women will too. Which makes this a brilliant choice.

For CoverGirl’s part, their press release said, “With the signing of Pink, COVERGIRL is celebrating ‘Beauty with an Edge’ and who better to deliver that message than someone who embodies art and attitude. Pink and COVERGIRL are looking to inspire women to celebrate their individuality and never settle for a single beauty standard.” The ad campaign will roll out this fall, and will feature a lot of bright candy colors, apparently. If only I could pull off orange.

Photos courtesy of Pink’s Twitter, Cover Girl, WENN.

Natalie Portman has been “the face” of several Dior products for more than a year and a half. I think she started out representing Miss Dior Cherie perfume, and then moved in to become the face of Dior’s skincare line. These are two of the latest ads from the “Diorskin Nude” line – one ad is all about Natalie’s gorgeous face, with only a hint of bangs. Unfortunately for that shot, the ad cuts of half of her forehead. I don’t get why a company would choose that kind of image – if you’re going to pay for a celebrity “face,” make sure you put the whole face in the ad. As for the other print ad – the one where Natalie’s skin looks like silk – that was is just gorgeous.

Dior have stuck to a winning formula with their new advertising campaign by getting stunning actress Natalie Portman to pose naked. The Oscar-winner de-robed for the photo shoot with photographer Mario Sorrenti to promote the brand’s new Diorskin Nude range.

In one picture, she is draped topless over a chaise lounge pulling her hair off her face. In another close-up shot, she faces the camera with her arms and hair covering her chest to protect her modesty.

Dior promise their foundation, which will be on sale nationwide from 14 September, will give wearers a natural, radiant glow.

As well as the foundations, priced at £31, lip and nail shades in a nude palette are also available. Natalie wears one of the Rouge Dior Nude shades in the adverts.

Dior said the lipsticks, which cost £25, are innovative because they don’t colour lips but ‘blush’ them for a more natural look.

This isn’t the first time Natalie has posed topless in her role as the face of Dior beauty. Last year wore just a black headband to promote the brand’s fragrance Miss Dior Cherie.

[From The Mail]

Gah, I hate makeup. I am not a makeup person at all – I admire women who can do their own makeup well, and women who feel comfortable wearing makeup. For me, wearing makeup is so uncomfortable. But… for those of you who like makeup, would you pay roughly $50 for a bottle of Dior foundation? What if you were paying $50 to have skin like Natalie Portman?

Ads courtesy of Dior.

A month ago, we saw the first print ad for Blake Lively’s latest campaign – she’s the face of Gucci’s new perfume, Premiere. The ad (above) is nothing special. It’s not a particularly eye-catching shot, but it’s not horrible either. It should have been in color, and I dislike the way Blake is being sold as some kind of “classic Hollywood blonde”. Also: photographing Blake in profile is always a strange endeavor considering some of us remember her old nose, and it’s jarring to see her nose job put front and center in an ad campaign. Anyway, as I said in the previous post, Gucci contracted Blake for a commercial as well as a print campaign. Blake “demanded” Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn for the commercial, and she got him. And now that I see the commercial… Michael Bay could have directed this junk. Why did they need Refn? I’ll do the real-time, second-by-second analysis below:

*Blake is in a glass cage. She knows why the glassed-in bird suffocates.

*We get it, honey. You can model strut better than any of Leonardo’s other girls.

*God, her body really is crazy. That dress does look really awesome on her.

*CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.

*I’m meh on her hair. It seems kind of flat.

*For the love of God, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. Open mouth does not equal “sexy”. You look like a vapid mouth-breather.

*Oh, now she’s model-strutting in the desert. This is the part where I was like, “Huh, why couldn’t Michael Bay do this again?” Because I actually think Bay might have done this better.

*We get it, darling. Gucci Premiere = spontaneous orgasm. That’s the message of the commercial: “Wear Gucci Premiere and you will have an orgasm as you look out of your window and fantasize about model-strutting in the desert.”

*The last shot, where she’s facing and walking toward the camera? Unflattering! All of a sudden, her fabulous body looks really boxy, right?

*WORST VOICEOVER EVER. Good God, this mumbling Valley Girl should never be hired to do voice work. This is what it sounds like phonetically: “Ghuh-chi-premer tha Nuessince forwomn.”

As a palate cleanser, here are some photos of Ed Westwick rocking a onesie, filming Gossip Girl yesterday. Ed Westwick is totally the highlight of this post. That sleazy furball could sell me perfume any day of the week! PS… I have no idea if the onesie is a costume or if that’s just how Ed shows up to work in the morning.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been revealed as the face for the new Hugo Boss perfume, Boss Nuit Pour Femme, and I’d like to note the obvious discrepancy between this generic promotional photo (above) and the one below, which is specifically for the perfume itself. Someone is falling down on their Photoshopping, no? Goop will not be pleased and will banish this peasant to the land where woodburning stoves do not exist.

Anyway, this is just a little note that Goop has gone downmarket again and is starring in a commercial for another peasanty brand, which has become quite a lucrative endeavor for her of late. First, she signed on as the “brand ambassador” for Coach purses, and then she became the face of Swedish fashion label Lindex’s “modern preppy” campaign. Finally, started shilling processed, frozen food for Spar in Austria when she thought we weren’t looking. All of these campaigns feature Goop posing happily next to goods that she’d never buy in real life, but I guess the Goop lifestyle is a delicate balance as far as financing goes. Those $270 acrylic trays don’t sell themselves, you know.

Now there’s a new commercial for Goop’s Hugo Boss perfume, which I am convinced that she figured was alright to front the advert campaign for because it has a French name (and therefore, it must be fancy). Watch Gwyneth do the “sexy walk” in her little black dress, and we’ll discuss:

Oh my Goop. She looks terribly uncomfortable here, doesn’t she? And soon there will not only be print and television spots but (presumably) a product launch, where Gwyneth will have to smile and say hello to the unwashed masses. Poor thing. She works so hard. Also, has she had another nose job? I can’t tell.

Photos courtesy of Hugo Boss

I’ve been avoiding this for days, but it’s crazy slow today, so let’s get into it. Lady Gaga has a perfume. It’s called “Fame”. Because why not? If I was advising her, I would have suggested “Lady Gaga’s Monster” just because… who else is going to name their perfume “Monster”? It would have been funny/weird/interesting. Instead, we’ve got Lady Gaga’s Fame, which just sounds dumb, and like something Britney Spears would have come up with after a Slurpee-and-hawt-derg high. So this is the first print ad for Fame… Lady Gaga, Photoshopped to within an inch of her life, with tiny little dudes climbing her.

What is the message? “Buy this perfume and you will become a Photoshopped giantess and little men will want to climb you.” Or, “Lady Gaga’s Fame: Mounted.”

Also: when Gaga announced this perfume launch last year, she reportedly said that she wanted it to smell like “blood and semen”. That was never verified, though. Gaga now says that the perfume has notes of “tears of belladonna, crushed heart of tiger orchidea with a black veil of incense, pulverized apricot and the combinative essences of saffron and honey drops.” Which sounds like a very heavy scent, like YSL’s Opium. I cannot stand a heavy perfume like that – I prefer lighter scents. Like, I actually LIKE Sarah Jessica Parker’s Lovely. But whatever – there are a lot of women who like a heavy perfume, and God bless. Everybody’s different.

Ad courtesy of Gaga.