David Hasselhoff has a long history of drinking problems with a stint in rehab in 2002 and a 2004 DUI. He pled guilty to misdemeanor DUI in June, 2004 and was given three years probation, 200 hours of community service and ordered to attend AA meetings for six months. The Hoff’s battle with alcoholism was seen around the world this May when a video came out of him wasted, laying shirtless on the floor and trying to eat a cheeseburger. One of his daughters is heard talking in the background as she’s taping, saying “Tell me you are going to stop, tell me you are going to stop.”

His daughter shot the tape to show Hasselhoff what he was like drunk to try and convince him to give up drinking. His estranged wife Pamela Bach is rumored to have released the video to smear him in the ongoing custody battle for their two teenage daughters, Hayley and Taylor. Hasselhoff handled the whole thing like a pro. He released a statement that didn’t name names and accepted responsibility for his drinking problems, and he even joked about it afterward. It was thought that the video might hurt Hasselhoff in his custody battle, but just a few weeks after it got out he was awarded primary physical and sole legal custody of his daughters.

Now Hasselhoff has relapsed and is currently in Cedars Sinai Medical center in LA for detox treatment:

The 55-year-old actor has suffered a severe drinking relapse and was readmitted to a Los Angeles hospital to detox on Oct. 8, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reports in its new issue.

“David does so well staying sober and then something kicks in and he’s back drinking,” a close source told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

Weak and trembling, David was readmitted to Cedar Sinai Medical Center, where doctors began the detox process.

“He looked awful when they brought him in,” said the source. “His color was ashen. He felt sick. It was just so sad.”

[From The National Enquirer]

Hasselhoff is a rare lower-eschelon celebrity that embraces his status and takes it in stride when people mock him. It’s incredibly sad that he hasn’t been able to conquer his demons.

He seems to be a decent guy and I would like to see him embrace sobriety and make a comeback with a television series. He was off filming in Romania for 6 weeks and the stress may have prompted him to start drinking again. TMZ says he was there working on Anaconda 3, while DavidHasselhoff online has him in Romania to shoot a new series for the Sci Fi Channel. It is unknown how his relapse will affect the custody status of his daughters, who have been with their mother while he was off working.

Get well soon, Hoff, we’re all pulling for you.

David Hasselhoff and his daughters Hayley, 15, and Taylor, 17, are shown at The Simpsons movie premiere on 7/24/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

Lindsay Lohan is really good at saying just the right things to reporters, and using a lot of AA/therapy speak. There’s nothing wrong with that in general, but coming from her it seems really disingenuous. Lohan talked with “OK” magazine about her recovery and her plans to stay in Hollywood and not waster her “talent.” Here’s the problem Lindsay. “I Know Who Killed Me,” “Just My Luck,” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” Pretty much all of those would indicate a severe lack of talent. So you might want to work on getting some before you worry about wasting it. Just a thought.

“Don’t look for Lindsay Lohan on the Hollywood club scene — or any Hollywood scene — anytime soon. Just hours after leaving Cirque Lodge treatment center in Utah, Lohan tells OK! magazine (on stands nationwide Friday) that she’s settling in the mountains. ‘I’m staying in Utah until it’s time to shoot Dare to Love Me,’ Lohan says, ‘and then I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions.’ (Lohan has a small role in the story of Tango legend Carlos Gardel.) But she’s not saying goodbye to the Hollywood industry. ‘Absolutely not — never! I’m here to stay,’ says the actress, 21. ‘My talent is a gift, and I’m going to use it in the right way.’”

[From USA Today]

So easy. Want to mock in a terrible, mean way. Don’t want to trigger relapse…. Ahhh! Pain radiating down my body! Can’t do it! Lindsay Lohan, Celebitchy and I got together and had a discussion, and we decided that you are the most hated of the Idiot Trifecta. And that’s not an award to be trifled with, you really have to earn that crap. You know, by stealing people’s cars and chasing their mothers through the streets of L.A. in a drug-fueled craze. As messed up as Britney and Paris are, as far as we know they don’t combine illicit substances with a severe, unchecked rageaholic personality disorder. They’ve certainly got other shit going on, but they don’t seem to commandeer cars, run over a guy’s foot, and chase people. Just a thought on the first – and easiest – step to improving your lot in life.

Want a little more trite AA speak from Lohan? Well she’s serving it up with her usual dose of sincerity/poor me mentality.

“Lohan checked into Cirque Lodge in early August, days after her second DUI arrest in less than two months and after two attempts at rehab. That second arrest, she says, was her ‘rock-bottom. Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision; the arrest that night helped me come to a point where I had to make one.’ She acknowledges addiction and substance abuse and lying to cover up a serious problem. But Lohan doesn’t detail her drug and alcohol use. As part of her recovery, Lohan isn’t placing blame on anyone, and she says she plans on surrounding herself ‘with good people who have their hearts and their minds in the right places.’ She adds that during rehab, she has been in contact with only her family.

“[On] The feud between her father and mother, Dina, saddens Lohan, she says, ‘I wish it would stop. It hurts when two people you love argue with one another. I don’t think any child wants to see their parents argue or see their family fall apart. Unfortunately, it happens, and when it does, they should do it with as little effect on their children as possible.’ Lohan says her rehab experience was ‘sobering’ and ‘humbling. It made me look at myself, and all of the people, places and things in my life in a different way. I was in there for substance abuse, after all.’ Still, relapse is on her mind. ‘If I wasn’t (worried), I’d be living in denial. Temptation is always there, but now I’ll avoid it the right way.’”

[From USA Today]

If all that stuff wasn’t coming out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth, I’d be really tempted to write a lot of “Oh good for her, it seems like she’s finally starting to figure it all out.” But that girl is incredibly manipulative. She just manages to take things to a whole new level, and she’s commercializing her recovery by doing rehab and post-rehab photo shoots for “OK.” They claim she’s not getting any money, but I’m sure she’s being compensated in some way. My guess is crack, meth, and a big SUV. All the ingredients for more Lindsay Lohan tabloid fodder.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Lindsay taking a break from rehab last Sunday in Utah, sharing a cigarette with fellow rehab patients. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Prince Harry has some serious party issues. He sounds like that guy everyone knew in college who was totally cool to get plastered with, but you’d never really want to know outside of that context. Except Prince Harry is third in line to the throne, so you’d probably deal with knowing him sober, just because it’d be cool. News of the World, admittedly not the most reliable source, has some pretty clear pictures of Prince Harry snorting alcohol while on vacation in Namibia last November. I thought Namibia was just a place celebrities went to when they wanted to have fancy babies in private. I didn’t realize it’s also a good place to snort alcohol. Though to be fair, I also didn’t realize a person could snort alcohol. But apparently it can be done, and like much of anything else you snort, it gets the item into your bloodstream a lot faster. Heaven forbid we have to drink an extra shot or two of tequila, when you can just inhale it up your nostrils. Lovely.

“These are the shocking pictures that show Prince Harry inhaling vodka through his nose in a drinking game medical experts warn could KILL. Our exclusive shots—taken from a video of Harry’s holiday in Namibia—will bring fresh shame on the boozed-up royal. In the video, pals cheer loudly as Harry slugs a bottle cap of vodka, swills it around his mouth, spits it back into the cap and then snorts it up his nose. Seconds later, Harry—a 2nd Lieutenant in the Blue and Royals —closes his eyes and shakes his head as the alcohol, shooting straight into his bloodstream, takes effect.”

[From News of the World]

So why shouldn’t Prince Harry just booze it up all the hell he wants because he’s young and who the hell cares? Well some experts have some pretty compelling reasons. But again, I’m not judging, just passing along the information so the rest of you don’t start snorting alcohol, thinking “If Prince Harry does it, it MUST be a smart idea!”

“Experts on drink abuse have warned that the game is potentially deadly. Professor Ian Gilmore, president of the Royal College of Physicians, said: ‘There are all sorts of additives that could cause an allergic reaction which could damage the lungs, mucus membranes of the nose and trachea. It could kill.’ David Nott, who runs the Manor Clinic rehab centre and is a member of the Federation of Drug and Alcohol Professionals, said: ‘Anybody acting in this manner continually will do severe damage, which could be deadly.’ Frank Soodeen from Alcohol Concern added: ‘By by-passing the liver, you run the risk of inflaming the brain and possibly causing long-term damage. It’s a practice to be avoided at all costs. It’s very irresponsible.’”

[From News of the World]

So those seem like pretty compelling reason to me to avoid being a total moron. Again, not judging. I don’t really think Prince Harry is under any obligation to set a good example to the rest of the world – he didn’t choose his fame in any way (though he’s certainly not running from it). But it’s not like he’s a pop singer who’s trying to be a teen idol, he’s someone who was born into his celebrity and can’t exactly walk away from it. But I think it might be a good idea not to stick random stuff up your nose, just as a general principle. When my mom was six, she put a button up her nose, to see if it would fit. Turns out it did, just barely, and she had to go to the hospital to get it out. Though she did get rewarded with a new doll to make up for her suffering. See what I’m saying here Prince Harry? Stop putting crap up your nose. It’s exit only. If you don’t listen, you might end up in the hospital with a new doll too. And of all the embarrassing stuff you’ve done, getting your photo taken with a Kewpie doll probably isn’t the quickest route to dignity.

I get kind of annoyed with celebrities chiming in with obvious statements like “Britney needs help with her addiction” “Lindsay needs help with her addiction” “Paris needs help with her drinking…” wait, am I starting to see a pattern here? Are a lot of starlets struggling with addiction? Huh. Anyway it’s really annoying when they think they’re making these profound statements that are really helpful, but Tatum O’Neal is a big exception, because she’s been in Britney’s shoes – in fact their case are eerily similar. O’Neal lost her kids to husband John McEnroe – a guy who was generally considered a douche bag (major temper, etc) – after she became addicted to heroin.

“Tatum O’Neal, who’s led her own troubled path on the road of motherhood, says that Britney Spears must get treatment and shield her children from media attention. She ‘needs to be in recovery and get her disease of addiction together,’ said O’Neal, 43, who can empathize with the 25-year-old pop star. ‘I relate to her and feel really sad for her,’ O’Neal told Entertainment Tonight in a interview to air Thursday.

“‘I did everything that she doesn’t want to do,’ said the Oscar-winning actress (for 1973′s Paper Moon, which costarred her father, Ryan O’Neal). ‘I did the drug testing … It was very humbling, but I wanted those kids back.’ In 1986, O’Neal wed tennis superstar John McEnroe, and the couple had three children: Kevin, Sean, and Emily. The couple divorced in 1992 and remain openly hostile toward one another. When O’Neal became a heroin addict in 1995, McEnroe took custody of their kids, something he has retained ever since. ‘Not being able to see my kids is like part of me is missing,’ a recovering O’Neal told PEOPLE in 2002. ‘Part of my soul is missing. Hopefully she will figure [it] out,’ O’Neal told ET. ‘But it’s going to be hard and she will do it publicly and that sucks.’”

[From People]

I will point out that Britney is pretty strongly courting the publicity (I mean she actually handed her kids over to Kevin Federline in a convertible, so the paparazzi could get lot of super-clear photos.) But I think O’Neal’s advice is really clear, and spot-on: Britney is going to have to humble herself. She’s going to have to do what the judge says. It seems like she’s locked in a parent/child power struggle, except Brit is the kid and the judge is her parent. Whatever he tells her to do, she does the opposite just to show him that she doesn’t have to listen. And while that’s never a good idea in a court of law, when your kids are at stake it really says something about you. I keep wondering what it’ll take Britney to realize she needs to let her ego go, but I’m still not sure what that’ll be.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Tatum with her son Kevin McEnroe. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Lindsay Lohan has been at rehab in Cirque Lodge in Utah for about two months, and she’s not getting out any time in the foreseeable future. There was news that she might get released last weekend, but that didn’t happen, and last week’s tabloids had her in for 2-3 more months.

Lohan might be staying in rehab and sitting on her ass in meetings, but whether rehab is really sinking in for her remains to be seen. There’s a story in Star Magazine that not only did she test positive for cocaine recently, she’s combining prescription drugs to get high and has arranged for people to sneak vodka to her in water bottles while she’s attending AA meetings in the community. Oh and she predictably has a new boyfriend too.

Just like the scary tale of how Lohan hijacked a car and took two guys on a multi-car chase, telling them “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever I want,” she is said to have told fellow patients in rehab that she’s above the requirements there, too:

Now, Star can exclusively reveal that the troubled actress has good reason for seeking extra help: An insider says she tested positive for cocaine! “She admitted that it wasn’t the first time she had done it while at Cirque,” an insider reveals. “No one can figure out who’s slipping it to her.”

Another source… claims Lindsay “gets a buzz” by combining the diet pill Fastin with the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. “I’ll think she’ll take whatever pills they allow her,” says the source. “It’s obvious to me she’s high, because she acts loopy and can’t seem to walk in a straight line!”

“She had a friend of hers sneak vodka in an Aquafina bottle into one of the AA meetings she goes to,” the insider says… “She smells like booze, and the staff does nothing about it. When they’re not around, she tells people she’ll drink as much as she damn well pleases.”

“She’s been sneaking out to Cirque’s North Lodge to hook up with a cute guy!” says the insider. “She seems to really like him…”

The insider adds that Cirque staffers have already put the duo on a strict “no contact” policy that forbids even a simple hello between them!

[From Star Magazine, print edition, October 8, 2007]

And the magazine quotes the insider as saying she asked Lohan if she intended to stay sober, and she just looked at her like she was crazy.

Lohan’s hard working spindoctor, Leslie Sloan Zelnick, says “this story is the result of haters and people not wanting Lindsay to succeed.”

Not that she didn’t say that it’s not true, just that people don’t want Lindsay to succeed. People seem to have good reason to hate on her.

Lohan is going to take a five day sabbatical from rehab to spend time with her dad in a remote lodge. He’ll probably try to proselytize to her and talk a bunch of meaningless platitudes about how she’s got to turn her life over, and when he’s done he’ll milk as much publicity out of it as he can, telling various media outlets that she’s doing so much better.

Lohan will not change until she gets an attitude readjustment, and that will take some major soul-searching or a life changing event. At least she’s stayed put in rehab for this long, but it’s doubtful that it’s doing much good for her when she so steadfastly refuses to change her behavior.

Lohan is shown smoking a cigarette outside an AA meeting on 9/30. Thanks to Splash News for this picture.

Michelle Rodriguez seems hell-bent on her whole “I’m the victim” “the system is the problem” line of thought when it comes to her DUI conviction. Michelle has a pretty involved rap sheet that began long before her most recent DUI arrest in Hawaii while she was filming “Lost.” In 2002, she was arrested for assault after getting into a physical fight with her then-roommate. The roommate refused to press charges. In 2003, she was charged with eight misdemeanors including hit and run and a DUI. She pleaded no contest to the hit and run, DUI, and driving with a suspended license. Want to know how much time she spent in jail? A grueling 48 hours. She also had to do community service in two New York City morgues, and finished a three-month alcohol program. As a result, Rodriguez was placed on probation for three years. So all she had to do at that point was just not drink and drive and run people over. Sounds fairly easy, right? Well apparently not so much.

Between August 24th and October 1st 2005, Rodriguez was pulled over three times in Hawaii for speeding, and given tickets for doing 83 mph in a 55 zone, 90 mph in a 35 zone, and 80 mph in a 50 zone. But did that hamper her style? Nope. Because she then decided to outdo herself and drive home (speeding, naturally) after drinking. She was charged with a DUI and eventually pleaded guilty. And you know what really says a lot about her character? Rodriguez chose to pay a $500 fine and go to jail for five days instead of having to do 240 hours of community service. Because isn’t jail always better than doing something good for others?

That arrest was a violation of her previous probation, so Rodriguez was back to jail for the probation violation as well. Though she was sentenced to 60 days in jail, she only spent a matter of hours in what I can only assume was the lady’s shower, before she was released due to overcrowding. Rodriguez also had to serve 30 days of community service and work with Mothers Against Drunk Driving, along with wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle monitor, which she repeatedly bitched about publicly, comparing the experience to George Orwell’s novel “1984.”

But Michelle’s hatred of helping others has hampered her again: it appears she hasn’t actually done all of her community service, and hasn’t done her required alcohol education program.

“Rodriguez went to court Friday to answer to the latest claims by the city attorney’s office, which said the former ‘Lost’ actress submitted a document stating she performed community service on Sept. 25, 2006, but later admitted she was actually in New York City that day. If she is found to have violated terms of her probation, Rodriguez could face between 477 to 537 days in county jail and a $2,000 fine. Rodriguez, 29, kept quiet in court as her attorney, Richard Beale, argued that she performed 30 days of community service and said ‘a clerical error’ caused the discrepancy in the paperwork.

“Superior Court Judge Daviann L. Mitchell granted Beale’s request to call two county sheriff’s supervisors who signed off on her community service forms to testify. A hearing was set for Oct. 12. In August, the judge found that Rodriguez had not completed a required alcohol monitoring program and ordered her to perform 30 days of road maintenance work. On Friday, the judge noted she had not completed the program or the maintenance work.

“Beale said she is making progress, but the judge admonished Rodriguez to take her probation more seriously. ‘I’m not impressed with your completion schedule,’ she said. ‘There were 55 people here in court today and all but very few have completed their responsibilities. They work on much less flexible schedules than you do.’”

[From Yahoo! News]

I hope Michelle Rodriguez goes back to jail. I bet she hopes so too. (In case you’re missing all the snide references – or just don’t follow Michelle Rodriguez with the macabre fascination that I do – she’s a sorta-closeted lesbian. Hence all the women’s prison and women’s shower jokes. Because I’m sophisticated like that). She’s talked a lot about how ridiculous and unfair the system is, and has written on her blog ad nausea about it. Honey, if you don’t like it, stop drinking. Stop hitting other cars and leaving the scene. Stop speeding when you knock too many back and decide it’s a great idea for you to drive home… really, really fast. Then you won’t feel like a victim of the system so much… and everyone else won’t feel like they’re about to be your hit and run victim. See how everyone wins!

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Michelle at the Miami Vice World Premiere in July, 2006. Header image of Michelle at the Los Angeles Municipal Court in Downtown Los Angeles on Friday. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Although it’s been reported that Ben Stiller had to (or chose to, who knows) fire good friend Owen Wilson from his upcoming movie “Tropic Thunder” after Wilson attempted suicide, it appears the two are at least on speaking terms. Stiller was on Ellen DeGeneres’ show on Friday, and said that, though he tries not to talk about it too much, Wilson is doing a lot better. I really hope reports that Stiller fired him aren’t true, as that would make him a giant douchebag, and a terrible friend. People have the right to react to a suicide attempt however they want to, but I can’t imagine anything that would be more thoughtless.

“Ben Stiller says things are looking up for his longtime pal and frequent costar Owen Wilson. ‘He’s doing really well,’ Stiller, 41, tells Ellen DeGeneres on her show Friday. ‘I sort of like to protect his privacy, ’cause I feel like it’s his own thing,’ says Stiller. ‘But he’s a really good friend of mine. He’s an incredible guy and I wish him as everybody does, all the best.’

“Wilson, 38, was set to begin shooting the comedy Tropic Thunder with Stiller this month, but was hospitalized on Aug. 26 for what police called a suicide attempt. He dropped out of the film after issuing a statement requesting that he be allowed to ‘receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.’

“Wilson’s withdrawal from the project – which is about actors on a war movie location where a real battle erupts – was reportedly a mutual decision between him and Stiller, and Matthew McConaughey has stepped in to join the ensemble cast that includes Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. and Nick Nolte.

“Speaking at Thursday night’s Westwood premiere of his and his son’s latest movie, The Heartbreak Kid, Ben’s dad Jerry Stiller, 80, expressed concern for his son’s best friend and said he was ‘surprised’ to hear of Wilson’s apparent suicide attempt – but he was sure that Wilson would ‘recover.’

“‘I know that he’ll put his life together,’ the elder Stiller, who also costarred with Wilson in 2001′s Zoolander, told PEOPLE. He added that his son has been ‘very close to Owen for most of their careers, and that Ben had been an ‘advocate’ in ‘intervention and all that stuff.’”

[From People]

So I guess they’re still going with the official “mutual decision” line about dropping out of the movie. That preserves everyone’s dignity. I wonder, when Jerry Stiller says that Ben has been an advocate for “intervention and all the stuff,” if he means in terms of Owen’s obvious depression, or his rumored drug/alcohol abuse. Hopefully Wilson will continue to get better, and has lots of loving and supportive people around him. As long as there are good people, he can get better and still have a really great career.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Ben Stiller with wife Christine Taylor at the premiere for his new movie, “The Heartbreak Kid” yesterday. Header image with mother Anne Meara Images thanks to PR Photos.

Nicole Richie has signed up for a year and half alcohol education program, called SB 38, according to People.com. She was ordered to attend alcohol education as part of her DUI sentencing, for which she also received three years probation, a $2,048 fine, and four days in jail, which was cut down to just 82 minutes when she showed up to serve her time on August 24.

It sounds like Richie will have to commit a lot of time to the program. The website for SB38 says she’ll have to do interviews with a counselor twice a week as well as put in 52 hours of group counseling. That’s an entire year of weekly one-hour sessions. She’ll also have to attend 12 hours of alcohol education. I wonder if she’ll see those shocking videos of car accident victims.

Multiple Offender Drinking Driver Program (SB-38), sometimes known as the SB-38 program, (named after the sponsoring Senate Bill 38 legislation) is for people who have been convicted of Driving Under the Influence (DUI) of alcohol or drugs on more than one occasion within a 7 year period. The program is 18 months in length and consists of 52 hours of group counseling, bi-weekly face –to- face interviews and 12 hours of alcohol education. Attendance at 12 step meetings is encouraged.

Whether or not the offender is ordered to go through the program by the court, he or she must complete it in order to get their drivers’ license returned. All multiple offenders have their licenses suspended or revoked for a period of 2-5 years. They must complete this state licensed program before the DMV will re-issue their license.

[From Santa Barbara Council on Alcoholism & Drug Abuse website via People.com]

It sounds like Richie is just doing what she has to do to get her life back on track, something that Britney needs dire help with. She has sworn off all drugs, alcohol and cigarettes for the health of her baby and is even said to be planning a drug-free natural birth.

Meanwhile The National Enquirer reports that six months-pregnant Richie is having a boy, and that her fiance Joel Madden is ecstatic:

“It’s a boy!” gushed soon-to-be daddy Joel Madden as he and pregnant paramour Nicole Richie shopped at Seattle’s Bootyland, buying baby tees imprinted with up-against-the-wall icons David Bowie, the Ramones, and Che Guevara… “He looked genuinely over the moon,” said a shopper. “He’s a bit nervous about being a new dad, but ecstatic that it’s a boy!”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, Mike Walker's column, October 1, 2007]

Well they have a 50/50 chance of being right. Back when Angelina was pregnant there were stories that she was having a boy, too.

Nicole Richie is shown out on 9/27. Thanks to WENN for these photos.

Have we talked about how I think Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy? Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy. Who can resist a face tattoo? Nothing makes panties drop faster. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, you should always be sure not to wear a skirt around Mike Tyson, or you’ll find your panties on the sidewalk and you’re halfway down the block. Same things applies to kilts, gentlemen. That’s probably what happened to Britney’s and Paris’ underwear. They came across Mike Tyson and suddenly found themselves flashing their lady bits.

Being the winner that he is, Tyson hasn’t been able to settle for just being a convicted rapist, domestic abuser, and ear biter. He’s one of those all or nothing types, and decided to tack a little DUI and drug possession onto his record for good measure. Got to stay in the tabloids and all.

“Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson pleaded guilty Monday to charges of drug possession and driving under the influence stemming from a traffic stop last year as he was leaving a nightclub. Tyson quietly acknowledged to a judge that he had cocaine and was impaired when he was stopped for driving erratically in Scottsdale on Dec. 29. He pleaded guilty to a single felony count of cocaine possession and a misdemeanour DUI count and faces up to four years and three months in prison when he is sentenced Nov. 19. A felony charge of possession of drug paraphernalia and a second misdemeanor DUI charge were dropped, according to the terms of a plea agreement. Defense lawyer David Chesnoff said Tyson has been clean and sober for eight months.

“‘It’s obvious this was a crime he was committing against himself,’ Chesnoff said.

“Police stopped Tyson after the boxer had spent the evening at Scottsdale’s Pussycat Lounge. An officer said he saw Tyson wiping a white substance off the dashboard of his black BMW, and that his speech was slurred. Authorities said they found bags of cocaine in Tyson’s pocket and in his car.

“Tyson told officers later that he used cocaine ‘whenever I can get my hands on it,’ and that he preferred to smoke it in Marlboro cigarettes with the tobacco pulled out, according to court documents. He also told police that he used marijuana that day and was taking the antidepressant Zoloft, the documents state.”

[From the Chronicle Journal]

I know I’ve been critical of Tyson in the past, but who among us can really say they don’t enjoy the occasional snort of cocaine when it’s offered? Isn’t it rude to refuse? And then you have to get home, so why would you ask someone for a ride, or pay someone since you’re stinking rich, when you can just drive yourself when you’re hopped up on cocaine. Or whatever you get on cocaine. Cracked out? Up? I feel as though celebrity morons are getting their comeuppance of late, and it makes me very happy. But only because I get to say comeuppance.

So just what was going on with Britney Spears that had her bodyguard Tony Barretto so worried? Barretto has given several good quotes that explain his worries, and most of them seem fairly credible, given Spears bizarre, erratic, and seemingly unsafe behavior. Barretto doesn’t seem to have anything to gain from coming forward with his allegations – he went to a lawyer and a court of law first. It’s hard to say if the tabloids have paid him or not, but he didn’t just go blabbing to them without backing up his accusations, so I think it’s fair to give some weight to what he says. It’s a really long article, so I’ll just give you some of the highlights. Keep in mind this is from “News of the World,” and they can get a little over-dramatic with the CAPS.

On why he came forward:

“OVERDOSED in a drug-strewn hotel room on a binge with junkie lover Howie Day just days after checking out of rehab. ‘She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—we thought she was dying,’ said Tony. Man mountain 6ft 7in Barretto, 27—nicknamed Fat Tony—told us: ‘I gave evidence to the court because Britney is out of control and needs help. I have done this for her children. She’s not a good mother. She has mental problems. With her drug and booze issues, her home is no place for kids to be raised.’”

[From News of the World]

On Spears’ brief relationship with Howie Day:

“She went on a date with musician Day, 26—who she’d met in rehab—telling her worried protection team she didn’t need them. Tony said: ‘We did security checks on Howie and told her he was trouble. But she ignored us.’ Hours later hysterical Britney, 25, called aides, claiming Day was refusing to let her leave their hotel room. Tony recalled: ‘She said she wanted to cancel the tour. She was very confused. We asked her if she was OK and reminded her she had a show to do. Then Howie came on the phone and started arguing with us. We knew we had to get to her fast.’

“Tony raced to LA’s plush Mondrian Hotel with another bodyguard and Britney’s best friend and PA Alli Sims. When they got to their room they found the door open and an appalling scene inside. Tony said: ‘We could see Britney all red-eyed from crying. Howie was lying in his boxers asleep on the bed. The hotel room was trashed. There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. There were blankets all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. The trash was emptied everywhere over the floor. The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere. On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.’

“The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure. Tony went on: ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die. There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.’”

[From News of the World]

On ignoring her kids:

“‘I was worried about the children due to her erratic behaviour. She wouldn’t talk to them at all and she would be in her own world. I remember being in the hallway, and she was at the other end looking completely out of it. She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. We’d have to look after the kids while she went through her strange behaviour. I know enough about drugs to know she was not being the normal Britney.’ Tony said: ‘I hope this will be wake-up call to her. I like Britney. All I want is for her to be a success and a good mum.’”

[From News of the World]

On Sean Preston and Jayden James becoming scared of Britney:

“He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them. Tony said: ‘Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.’

Tony said he never saw her feed the boys. He added: ‘When they are unwell, her answer is: “Give the baby a bottle of medicine.” I’ve never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum.’ Tony knew he had to take action when Britney nearly wrote off her car with the kids inside. He said: ‘We followed her but she was driving like a lunatic on the wrong side of the road. It was terrifying.’

[From News of the World]

So not that we were sitting around wondering why Britney shouldn’t have custody of her kids, but I think this gives us all a much better idea as to the specific behaviors. Considering how bizarrely she’s acted in public, all of Barretto’s accusations do a good job of explaining Britney’s actions. Nothing here is really a surprise, in and of itself, it’s just shocking to hear that a parent could behave this way around her kids, and in life in general. I’m not a mom so I don’t completely understand the emotions of this, but I can’t understand why a person who appears to not want to deal with being a parent would fight so hard to be one.