I wish I were a celebrity. If I were, I could drive around drunk and get in a little trouble the first time, but not so much the second time. I could be told I have to wear an alcohol monitoring device around my ankle, but I could take it off early because I didn’t like it. And I could afford fancy lawyers and doctors to say it was medically necessary to take it off… because being annoyed is a medical problem. To be fair, Tracy Morgan is kind of a minor celebrity, but he’s big enough to be able to afford to ignore judges and cops and laws and such. After he got 2 DUIs within about six month of each other – one in Los Angeles and one in New York City – Morgan was forced to go to rehab, do community service, and attend AA meetings. Pretty standard issue. He also had to wear a SCRAM anklet – you know, that alcohol monitoring device that Lindsay Lohan voluntarily sported six months ago to show the world how sober she was… before she went to rehab a few more times. Well apparently the SCRAM bracelet didn’t agree with Tracy Morgan, and he decided to go ahead and take it off early. That got him in a bit of hot water with the judge, who was going to make him keep it on even longer after he admitted to drinking alcohol over the summer – until Morgan produced photographic evidence along with doctors’ reports saying that it was medically necessary for him to take it off – and the judge agreed!

Tracy Morgan has made peace with his prosecutors. A Los Angeles judge ruled Tuesday that the 30 Rock funnyman has completed the terms of his DUI-related probation and will not be punished for taking off his alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet a wee bit early, the L.A. City Attorney’s Office confirmed to E! Online.

Morgan, who on Sept. 18 was ordered to keep his Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring device on for another 80 days after he copped to imbibing booze over the summer, claimed in court last week that he took the accessory off early due to “medical issues.”

After reviewing several letters from doctors and one from the company that manufactures SCRAM bracelets, as well as a handful of photos depicting the nature of the undisclosed medical condition, the judge concluded that Morgan had a valid reason to untether himself before the court-ordered end date.

According to Morgan’s attorney, Blair Berk, Morgan has voluntarily been taking daily breath or blood tests to prove that he’s staying on the wagon. No further court appearances on his case are scheduled, said City Attorney’s Office spokesman Frank Mateljan.

[From E! News]

Boy I would really like to know what “medical issue” arose from this bracelet that was so terrible a judge let Morgan take it off. Last time I checked, the bracelet wasn’t made out of rabid pack of angry bees that sting you at random to check the level of alcohol in your blood. Because I know SCRAM considered this bumble-based technology and quickly ditched it. So if the problem is anything less than bees, I really can’t figure out how it could possibly be so bad that a judge agreed to let the guy take it off. Unless the judge was actually paid off by the bee industry. Wait, that would make no sense. But so does taking a bracelet off for “medical reasons.” So I’m pretty sure it must be bee related after all.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Tracy Morgan at the 2007 VH1 Hip Hop Honors on October 4th. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Well the “Lost” curse may have struck again in the form of Daniel Dae Kim’s arrest on DUI charges last week, but at least he’s being a little more humble and dignified than some of his costars were. Kim issued an apology in which he said he was ashamed and embarrassed by his actions. He thanks those that have been supportive, and acknowledges that he has disappointed people and apologizes. This is in contradiction to Michelle Rodriguez, who abused police and has ranted for years about how unfair it is that she was punished for breaking the law.

Daniel Dae Kim, the Lost star arrested in Hawaii Thursday on a DUI charge, says he’s sorry. “I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed by the events of Thursday morning,” the actor says in a statement to TMZ. “It saddens me to know that I jeopardized the welfare of the kind people of Hawaii, a community that I love and call my home. It is my intention to cooperate fully with the police and I am grateful to them for their sensitivity throughout this matter,” Kim adds. “To my friends, family, colleagues and fans, thank you for your kind words of support. To those I have disappointed I can only ask that you accept my heartfelt apologies.”

Kim, who plays Jin-Soo Kwon on the ABC series, was arrested around 3 a.m. Thursday morning for allegedly driving drunk in Hawaii, where the show is filmed. He’s the latest Lost actor to be charged with drunk driving – Cynthia Watros and Michelle Rodriguez were busted on DUI charges in 2005.

[From People]

Well if nothing else, the guy has some good PR reps and lawyers. He also saw what Cynthia Watros and Michelle Rodriguez’s DUI arrests did to their jobs on the show… and to their careers in general. Kim’s character is much more essential to the show than Watros and Rodriguez’s, but on “Lost” no actor is safe from an angry cloud of smoke smacking them to death against a rock. I don’t know why, but to me it sounds like Kim is pretty sincere in his apology. I couldn’t find any other history of legal problems, so let’s hope this was a one time thing and he learns from it.

Boy Amy Winehouse’s issues really are just right on the surface. I’m sure there’s a lot of crazy going on below that too, but there’s so much crazy that she can’t hide it, even in her saner moments. She says that most often, she can’t remember any of the crazy things she does in her drug-fueled rampages, like running through the streets of London crying and bleeding, being photographed buying drugs, having huge fights with her do-nothing husband Blake Fielder-Civil, and getting arrested for pot possession.

Interviewed in Hamburg prior to a concert there last week, Winehouse found the German reporter staring at the scars on her arms. “Those are wounds, old wounds. You know. I wasn’t well in August,” she said. But when the reporter asked if she was now clean of drugs, she snapped: “That’s none of your business.” Just days later, the couple were arrested in Norway on Oct. 18 for alleged marijuana possession.

Winehouse also admitted the haze that life has become for her. “Lots of times I have no idea what I’m doing. Not until the next day do I have any memory,” she said. “Blake tells me later what happened. And then I’m infinitely ashamed.”

Winehouse said she she’s sometimes shocked at the situations she gets into. “I recently saw a picture of me when I got out of the hospital. I didn’t even recognize myself,” she said. But, she added, she feels she needs the excesses. “I believe that the pain makes me feel alive. Being willing to suffer for something means that I’m not just apathetic about them.”

[From People]

Well that sounds all around unhealthy to me, in about 10 different ways. Amy Winehouse is so far beyond messed up that I do really feel badly for her. She’s completely lost touch with reality and sanity. We haven’t heard from her parents in a while, though her husband’s parents are always more than willing to talk to the press about how messed up Amy is – though not how their son is just as messed up, and often supplies and encourages Amy in her drug habit.

Within the month [of Amy’s overdose], Winehouse’s in-laws opened up about the hospital dash, and their daughter’s [in-law’s] problems with substance abuse. “We are in hell,” Georgette Fielder-Civil told PEOPLE. He added “People who take drugs don’t care about other people [but only care about their next fix].”

[From People]

Amy, always Blake’s unconditional champion, said that Blake saved her life that night. Well he might have, in that he took her to the hospital and didn’t just leave her dying in the gutter. But he also tagged along with her to rehab afterwards, then encouraged her to leave because he didn’t enjoy it. Since Amy’s overdose, Blake has frequently been reported using drugs with her. So he saved her life that night, but it seems likely he’ll probably play at least an enabling role in ending it one night too.

David Hasselhoff was disappointed to learn that there’s going to be a movie version of his campy 80s show Knight Rider, and that producers aren’t even considering him for the lead part he used to play. He says he hopes he’ll get some kind of bit part in the film.

David Hasselhoff is furious after missing out on a role in the big-screen remake of his hit 1980s television show Knight Rider. The 55 year-old actor hoped to reprise his role as police officer Michael Knight for the film - but the movie’s producers have informed him the character is to be re-cast. However, Hasselhoff is confident he will make at least one appearance int he movie, if just to thank fans of the original show. He says, “I think fans will demand that I at least pop up in a cameo. I made the show and fans deserve it.”

[From Contact Music]

It makes sense that they wouldn’t want to cast Hasselhoff in the lead because he’s not really big screen material at this point. He would do well in an ongoing role in a sitcom, maybe even one in which he’s the lead, but a movie might bomb with him as the star and producers must realize that.

Still, this is the first I’ve heard of a movie version of Knight Rider. I think the article might be mistaken, because there is going to be a Knight Ryder remake, but Variety reports it will be on television for NBC and will be directed by Transformers director Doug Liman.

Hasselhoff also is said to have temporarily beaten his demons after being hospitalized to detox off alcohol following a recent relapse. He talked about his issues to People Magazine, saying that it was just a 24 hour problem that he took care of immediately. He said “I was doing great, and it just happened, and it took me 24 hours,and I just said, ‘You know what? Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!’” Hasselhoff explained that he didn’t do it to indulge himself, he just slipped up.

According to The National Enquirer, Hasselhoff’s relapse was worse than that. They say he was already in detox for two days and that he got out, got drunk again, and had to start all over again:

“David felt terrible that he’d let his family down by falling off the wagon again in a big way,” said the source.

“But after two days he wanted out. He left the hospital, but he didn’t get far.”

David “got ripped again” soon after leaving Cedars-Sinai, says the source.

“He was readmitted the very next day and was sick as a dog. Doctors had to start the detox process all over again.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, October 29, 2007]

While Hasselhoff may be facing a tougher battle than he’s admitting, he seems to be off booze for now and he does have the support of his girlfriend Michele Lilley. The Enquirer reports that she was by his side throughout his hospital stay and that “she’s completely devoted to him.”

Hasselhoff’s custody of his two teenage daughters, Taylor-Ann, 17, and Hayley, 15, does not seem to have been affected by his relapse. Keep your chin up, Hoff.

David Hasselhoff is shown at celebrity hotspot The Ivy on 10/17/07. It is thought that he went to the paparazzi-friendly restaurant to let everyone know he was OK after his relapse. Thanks to Splash News for this picture.

It’s been a little while since we’ve heard from Pete Doherty. Last we heard, he was engaged to another model – because what beauty doesn’t crave a pockmark-ridden dumpy dirty little toothless guy? That’s right, none of them! Pete is all done with his 283,484,283,498,283 visit to rehab, and he’s so confident in his success this time around that he’s told the courts they no longer need to monitor him – and they believe him. In other news, the British justice system apparently truly is blind.

Pete Doherty is vowing to stay off drugs, and an English court no longer feels the need to monitor that promise. Doherty, 28, a musician best known as Kate Moss’s ex-boyfriend, was released on Wednesday from a drug treatment order in the U.K., ending 18 months of court supervision, the Associated Press reports.

Outside the courtroom, Doherty, who has run afoul of the law with numerous drug offenses, told reporters he intends to stay clean. “It’s just the beginning, you know what I mean? My life has changed,” he said. A close friend of the rocker told PEOPLE, “He’s really really got his s— together. His is a dry tour and he hasn’t got his beer goggles on.”

Doherty, who checked into rehab in August, recently got engaged to singer-model Irina Lazareanu, according to reports.

[From People]

Well that’s a whole lot of bull I’m not inclined to believe. You? No? Really? Huh. Wonder why it’s just us that think Pete Doherty is already on the pipe again. Oh, you say he never stopped? Really, that’s crazy! He just seems like one of those “tough it out” stone cold sober types, you know. Though I will give him a little credit – he got all poufy/bloated/fat when he was done with rehab, and most people do tend to put on some weight. That has happened after his other 283,484,283,498,282 visits, so maybe he really did manage to quit this time. I mean I’m sure he’s started up again – not to be pessimistic, but come on, let’s also not be gullible here – but if he stopped even for 2 seconds, that’d be more than he’s done before. So congrats, Pete. The British justice system has so much confidence in you. We… do… too? I can’t say it. I’m counting down the days Pete.

Plastic surgery victim and fallen former Hollywood hottie Tara Reid is just 31, but somehow she managed to mess up her liver enough to require an extended hospital stay. Tara checked into a hospital in Marina del Rey, California in early October to undergo extensive tests for possible “liver and pancreas damage.”

Doctors found that she had elevated liver enzymes, which can be caused by alcohol abuse.

Tara was said to be combative and uncooperative, yelling at hospital staff. She was accompanied at all times by a “minder” and she had three quit on her while she was in the hospital. She also supposedly bragged that she knew Paris Hilton and Whitney Beers.

People who saw her in the hospital said she looked predictably awful:

“Tara was yelling at nurses and doctors, telling them they couldn’t tell her what to do,” disclosed the source.

“People at the hospital thought she was a homeless person. Her hands were dirty, and her hair was matted.”

An eyewitness - who ran into Tara as she emerged from her room a few days after her arrival - revealed she was “emaciated” and added: “Her face was dotted with red spotched. She was attached to an intravenous drip on wheels, and a nurse and an older woman held her up as she shuffled slowly down the corridor…”

“She had round-the-clock ’sitters,’ who watched her every move. Even when she went outside to have a smoke - which she did frequently - a sitter went with her.

“One minute she was calm, the next she was raning.”

Three sitters quit on her.

In one of her quiet moments, Tara proudly told someone at the hospital: “I know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears” - and then displayed their cell phone numbers to prove it.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, October 29, 2007]

Tara was treated for the elevated liver enzymes and released. The high levels of enzymes she had in tests can be a sign of a damaged or diseased liver.

While OK! Magazine reports that Tara denies being hospitalized, the only quote they have from her is “I’m fine,” which sounds like she isn’t denying anything.

If she was angry like that it could have been a symptom of alcohol withdrawl, and not just simple diva-like behavior. Irritability, “rapid emotional changes,” and “emotional volatility” are among the symptoms of alcohol withdrawl, according to About.com.

If it’s true that’s incredibly sad and I hope that Tara gets the help she needs to turn her health and life around. She seemed to be doing better earlier this year, and hopefully she will be able to stop drinking before it’s too late.

Tara was seen out on 10/18/07 at the Reservation Road premiere, which was after she supposedly checked out of the hospital. She looks relatively sober so maybe she’s on the right path now. Thanks to PRPhotos for these pictures.

Last week the news got out that troubled actor David Hasselhoff checked into the hospital looking frail and shaky after another major relapse with alcoholism. He was in Cedars Sinai Medical center in LA starting October 8 for detox, and was speculated to have fallen off the wagon due to the stress from filming in Romania for a few weeks without his daughters.

Just over a week later and Hasselhoff is out and looking fit and well. He was spotted at the Dina Bar-El fashion show in LA yesterday, and was seen goofing around with Jackass’s Steve-O and giving singer Brandy a hug and a kiss on the red carpet.

Maybe it’s the subtle plastic surgery that makes The Hoff look so youthful and fit, but if I didn’t know he had trouble with alcoholism it would never have occurred to me. It goes to show that looks can be deceiving, but in The Hoff’s case I hope it means he’s well on the way to kicking his demons and getting back to the campy roles that we all love.

David Hasselhoff has a long history of drinking problems with a stint in rehab in 2002 and a 2004 DUI. He pled guilty to misdemeanor DUI in June, 2004 and was given three years probation, 200 hours of community service and ordered to attend AA meetings for six months. The Hoff’s battle with alcoholism was seen around the world this May when a video came out of him wasted, laying shirtless on the floor and trying to eat a cheeseburger. One of his daughters is heard talking in the background as she’s taping, saying “Tell me you are going to stop, tell me you are going to stop.”

His daughter shot the tape to show Hasselhoff what he was like drunk to try and convince him to give up drinking. His estranged wife Pamela Bach is rumored to have released the video to smear him in the ongoing custody battle for their two teenage daughters, Hayley and Taylor. Hasselhoff handled the whole thing like a pro. He released a statement that didn’t name names and accepted responsibility for his drinking problems, and he even joked about it afterward. It was thought that the video might hurt Hasselhoff in his custody battle, but just a few weeks after it got out he was awarded primary physical and sole legal custody of his daughters.

Now Hasselhoff has relapsed and is currently in Cedars Sinai Medical center in LA for detox treatment:

The 55-year-old actor has suffered a severe drinking relapse and was readmitted to a Los Angeles hospital to detox on Oct. 8, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reports in its new issue.

“David does so well staying sober and then something kicks in and he’s back drinking,” a close source told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

Weak and trembling, David was readmitted to Cedar Sinai Medical Center, where doctors began the detox process.

“He looked awful when they brought him in,” said the source. “His color was ashen. He felt sick. It was just so sad.”

[From The National Enquirer]

Hasselhoff is a rare lower-eschelon celebrity that embraces his status and takes it in stride when people mock him. It’s incredibly sad that he hasn’t been able to conquer his demons.

He seems to be a decent guy and I would like to see him embrace sobriety and make a comeback with a television series. He was off filming in Romania for 6 weeks and the stress may have prompted him to start drinking again. TMZ says he was there working on Anaconda 3, while DavidHasselhoff online has him in Romania to shoot a new series for the Sci Fi Channel. It is unknown how his relapse will affect the custody status of his daughters, who have been with their mother while he was off working.

Get well soon, Hoff, we’re all pulling for you.

David Hasselhoff and his daughters Hayley, 15, and Taylor, 17, are shown at The Simpsons movie premiere on 7/24/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

Lindsay Lohan is really good at saying just the right things to reporters, and using a lot of AA/therapy speak. There’s nothing wrong with that in general, but coming from her it seems really disingenuous. Lohan talked with “OK” magazine about her recovery and her plans to stay in Hollywood and not waster her “talent.” Here’s the problem Lindsay. “I Know Who Killed Me,” “Just My Luck,” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” Pretty much all of those would indicate a severe lack of talent. So you might want to work on getting some before you worry about wasting it. Just a thought.

“Don’t look for Lindsay Lohan on the Hollywood club scene — or any Hollywood scene — anytime soon. Just hours after leaving Cirque Lodge treatment center in Utah, Lohan tells OK! magazine (on stands nationwide Friday) that she’s settling in the mountains. ‘I’m staying in Utah until it’s time to shoot Dare to Love Me,’ Lohan says, ‘and then I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions.’ (Lohan has a small role in the story of Tango legend Carlos Gardel.) But she’s not saying goodbye to the Hollywood industry. ‘Absolutely not — never! I’m here to stay,’ says the actress, 21. ‘My talent is a gift, and I’m going to use it in the right way.’”

[From USA Today]

So easy. Want to mock in a terrible, mean way. Don’t want to trigger relapse…. Ahhh! Pain radiating down my body! Can’t do it! Lindsay Lohan, Celebitchy and I got together and had a discussion, and we decided that you are the most hated of the Idiot Trifecta. And that’s not an award to be trifled with, you really have to earn that crap. You know, by stealing people’s cars and chasing their mothers through the streets of L.A. in a drug-fueled craze. As messed up as Britney and Paris are, as far as we know they don’t combine illicit substances with a severe, unchecked rageaholic personality disorder. They’ve certainly got other shit going on, but they don’t seem to commandeer cars, run over a guy’s foot, and chase people. Just a thought on the first – and easiest – step to improving your lot in life.

Want a little more trite AA speak from Lohan? Well she’s serving it up with her usual dose of sincerity/poor me mentality.

“Lohan checked into Cirque Lodge in early August, days after her second DUI arrest in less than two months and after two attempts at rehab. That second arrest, she says, was her ‘rock-bottom. Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision; the arrest that night helped me come to a point where I had to make one.’ She acknowledges addiction and substance abuse and lying to cover up a serious problem. But Lohan doesn’t detail her drug and alcohol use. As part of her recovery, Lohan isn’t placing blame on anyone, and she says she plans on surrounding herself ‘with good people who have their hearts and their minds in the right places.’ She adds that during rehab, she has been in contact with only her family.

“[On] The feud between her father and mother, Dina, saddens Lohan, she says, ‘I wish it would stop. It hurts when two people you love argue with one another. I don’t think any child wants to see their parents argue or see their family fall apart. Unfortunately, it happens, and when it does, they should do it with as little effect on their children as possible.’ Lohan says her rehab experience was ‘sobering’ and ‘humbling. It made me look at myself, and all of the people, places and things in my life in a different way. I was in there for substance abuse, after all.’ Still, relapse is on her mind. ‘If I wasn’t (worried), I’d be living in denial. Temptation is always there, but now I’ll avoid it the right way.’”

[From USA Today]

If all that stuff wasn’t coming out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth, I’d be really tempted to write a lot of “Oh good for her, it seems like she’s finally starting to figure it all out.” But that girl is incredibly manipulative. She just manages to take things to a whole new level, and she’s commercializing her recovery by doing rehab and post-rehab photo shoots for “OK.” They claim she’s not getting any money, but I’m sure she’s being compensated in some way. My guess is crack, meth, and a big SUV. All the ingredients for more Lindsay Lohan tabloid fodder.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Lindsay taking a break from rehab last Sunday in Utah, sharing a cigarette with fellow rehab patients. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Prince Harry has some serious party issues. He sounds like that guy everyone knew in college who was totally cool to get plastered with, but you’d never really want to know outside of that context. Except Prince Harry is third in line to the throne, so you’d probably deal with knowing him sober, just because it’d be cool. News of the World, admittedly not the most reliable source, has some pretty clear pictures of Prince Harry snorting alcohol while on vacation in Namibia last November. I thought Namibia was just a place celebrities went to when they wanted to have fancy babies in private. I didn’t realize it’s also a good place to snort alcohol. Though to be fair, I also didn’t realize a person could snort alcohol. But apparently it can be done, and like much of anything else you snort, it gets the item into your bloodstream a lot faster. Heaven forbid we have to drink an extra shot or two of tequila, when you can just inhale it up your nostrils. Lovely.

“These are the shocking pictures that show Prince Harry inhaling vodka through his nose in a drinking game medical experts warn could KILL. Our exclusive shots—taken from a video of Harry’s holiday in Namibia—will bring fresh shame on the boozed-up royal. In the video, pals cheer loudly as Harry slugs a bottle cap of vodka, swills it around his mouth, spits it back into the cap and then snorts it up his nose. Seconds later, Harry—a 2nd Lieutenant in the Blue and Royals —closes his eyes and shakes his head as the alcohol, shooting straight into his bloodstream, takes effect.”

[From News of the World]

So why shouldn’t Prince Harry just booze it up all the hell he wants because he’s young and who the hell cares? Well some experts have some pretty compelling reasons. But again, I’m not judging, just passing along the information so the rest of you don’t start snorting alcohol, thinking “If Prince Harry does it, it MUST be a smart idea!”

“Experts on drink abuse have warned that the game is potentially deadly. Professor Ian Gilmore, president of the Royal College of Physicians, said: ‘There are all sorts of additives that could cause an allergic reaction which could damage the lungs, mucus membranes of the nose and trachea. It could kill.’ David Nott, who runs the Manor Clinic rehab centre and is a member of the Federation of Drug and Alcohol Professionals, said: ‘Anybody acting in this manner continually will do severe damage, which could be deadly.’ Frank Soodeen from Alcohol Concern added: ‘By by-passing the liver, you run the risk of inflaming the brain and possibly causing long-term damage. It’s a practice to be avoided at all costs. It’s very irresponsible.’”

[From News of the World]

So those seem like pretty compelling reason to me to avoid being a total moron. Again, not judging. I don’t really think Prince Harry is under any obligation to set a good example to the rest of the world – he didn’t choose his fame in any way (though he’s certainly not running from it). But it’s not like he’s a pop singer who’s trying to be a teen idol, he’s someone who was born into his celebrity and can’t exactly walk away from it. But I think it might be a good idea not to stick random stuff up your nose, just as a general principle. When my mom was six, she put a button up her nose, to see if it would fit. Turns out it did, just barely, and she had to go to the hospital to get it out. Though she did get rewarded with a new doll to make up for her suffering. See what I’m saying here Prince Harry? Stop putting crap up your nose. It’s exit only. If you don’t listen, you might end up in the hospital with a new doll too. And of all the embarrassing stuff you’ve done, getting your photo taken with a Kewpie doll probably isn’t the quickest route to dignity.