I’m all too willing to break the semi-ban on LohitneyParis stories with the latest news that Lohan was nabbed for DUI again. 45 days in rehab, a voluntary alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet, and all the cash, friends, and help at her disposal and stupid Lohan couldn’t be bothered to have someone else drive for her.

Lohan failed the “walk the line” test according to TMZ after her car was pulled over for chasing a white Escalade at 2:15 AM in Santa Monica. TMZ reports on Lohan’s blood alcohol level and and says she refused to submitted to a breathalyzer. One article says “Sources say her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13, well over the .08 legal limit.” while another says she couldn’t walk a straight line and refused a PSAD, or Preliminary Alcohol Screening Device test. The PSAD is a breathalyzer, so it sounds like she refused a breathalyzer, wasn’t able to walk a straight line, and was hauled off to jail, where she was forced to take a blood test. Let me know if you’re more familiar with the way this process works.

She was said to be cooperative in jail, and was released on $25,000 bail.

The SCRAM people, who monitor Lohan’s ankle bracelet which is supposed to detect alcohol vapors from the skin, say they didn’t even know she was arrested. We don’t actually know if she took a breathalyzer or not. If she refused to submit to one, it suggests she had something to hide. Did she not hook the SCRAM thing up? Did she buy another one, put in her closet, and have the SCRAM people monitor that one?

Not only is she drinking and/or drugging, she’s driving under the influence. How stupid and arrogant can you be? If Lohan’s career wasn’t doomed before, it surely is now.

Update: Thanks to Sycko for pointing out that she was also charged with cocaine possession. The coke was found in her pants pocket when she was booked at jail.

Lohan’s mugshot above thanks to TMZ.

Blogger abuser and moody rocker Jared Leto broke his nose when fans rushed him at a concert in El Paso, Texas. He went on with the show, but got checked out by a doctor afterwards. Leto sustained other minor injuries to his face and body:

True chaos ensued Thursday at the Taste of Chaos tour stop in El Paso, Texas, resulting in 30 Seconds to Mars singer Jared Leto sustaining a broken nose and other injuries.

According to a spokesperson for the band’s record label, Leto was injured when he ran into the crowd during “The Kill” and thousands of fans overpowered security and rushed toward him on the floor of County Coliseum.

Along with his nose, which was unintentionally broken, Leto suffered a foot injury and superficial injuries to his face and body.

Leto finished the show and even declared it one of the best of the tour, but eventually checked into a hospital to ensure that none of his injuries would require surgery. 30 Seconds to Mars are scheduled to perform Friday (March 2) in Dallas.

No fans were reportedly injured.

It looks like someone reads Best Week Ever and jumped on the opportunity to punch Jared Leto in the face when it presented itself. There are many stories of this guy generally acting like an asshole and threatening people. He also really hates blogs because they point out how shitty his music is and occasionally pay attention to all the arrogant abuse he heaps on others.

Aqua-spawn Brody Jenner’s fame whoring seems to have backfired. His father Bruce Jenner clearly didn’t feed the wannabe enough Wheaties … a little more Breakfast of Champions and a lot less empty calories. In a rank amateur gigolo mistake Brody gave a quote-rich interview to Details.:

Brody Jenner says he’s “horrified” by a profile written about him in the new issue of Details magazine.

In the article, Jenner and his best friend/manager, Spencer Pratt, are characterized as scheming to make Jenner famous – partly by dating or befriending famous people, including Nicole Richie, who Jenner briefly dated.

“Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you’re gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right?,” Pratt says, as part of the pair’s alleged plan to seek fame. “You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that s–t, bro. You’ll be, like, a f—ng hero to America.”

via People

They likely thought they were coming off as Entourage cool but in fact are up there (or down there) with the Brandon Davis tirade as moving from unknown greaseball to universally-hated D-lister. Do not pass Go – Do not collect Tiger Beat award.

However, Jenner tells PEOPLE that the article unfairly makes him look uncaring about those he truly cares about.

“I have broad shoulders and can handle what is written about me personally but when I am misquoted or mischaracterized as exhibiting a disrespectful attitude towards someone I care about, I feel I need to clarify the situation,” says Jenner. “I genuinely love Nicole… I would never say or do anything hurtful to those I love and respect. I’m sorry it was represented that way.”

Yes Thanks for the tip about your shoulders Brody — broad yet oddly slimy … although in fairness that quote actually has the sound of an articulate defense – maybe even not written by a PR flack.

Still the quote is hard to defend … and anyone who has a symbiont that goes by the slash tag best friend/manager … and whom fate has accurately decreed shall actually be named Pratt – is getting what he deserves. The Urban Dictionary drives home the point:

4. prat
a self-aggrandizing, pompous ass. Someone who is full of themselves and, almost invariably, stupid as well. With a hint of ‘deluded.’

And even though his Mom defends him:

Jenner’s mother, Linda Thompson, has also come to her son’s defense, telling PEOPLE: “He has always been fond of [Nicole]. He dated her because he really likes her. He doesn’t have to date anyone for any other reason than he really likes them.”

We all know Moms just aint what they used to be … and those that have spawned this generation of privilege pimps should realize that just because they don’t have to do something … doesn’t mean they won’t do anything.

Zombie Gandhi … coming soon to a stadium near you

Also she would like to be an Un-dead John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus. Satellite Radio really is changing the world not just making Howard Stern richer . These insight into Madonna’s role models, past and future, are perhaps the best example to date of how Sirius Radio is getting us the hot stuff:

Madonna has in the past styled herself after Marilyn Monroe and Eva Perón, but they’re not the ones she hopes to emulate.

“I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon – but I want to stay alive,” the singer said during a Valentine’s Day interview on Sirius Satellite Radio.

via People Magazine

In fact Madonna’s recent tour was a real clue to this future Blonde ambition. The requisite controversy was all about her appearance on a cross, a big disco ball cross, crucified –just like Jesus – but without the spear in the side, dead part. Which if you read above is just where she likes the story to change up a little.

Defending the scene which featured images AIDS orphans in Africa, she says: “Jesus’s message was to love your neighbor as yourself, and these are people in need. I hope that people got that message.

“Of course some people thought shes just being controversal she’s just getting on a cross to piss people off, but that wasn’t my intention at all”

In a further informative aside Mrs Richie talked up the gay thing –cause the kitchen sink wasn’t available:

“Gay men are perfect men for girls who are tough. They’re not threatened by strong women, and they’re usually very in touch with their feelings and pay attention to details. I’ve always had an affinity with gay men.”

So to recap: Madonna wants to be an undead, pro-gay Gandhi/Jesus with a little Lennon and Luther King thrown in. Also please stop AIDS.

Well at least she doesn’t want to make any more movies.

pics via spaceport, Drowned Madonna, and Madonnalicious.

Picture Note by Celebitchy: Here are pictures from Madonna’s new H&M campaign, because they didn’t learn that people don’t want to look like Madonna the first time.

Twice the Lesbian of your average original six foot designer Kimillionairre … and at quadruple the price … and covered in bling. And Yes Virginia she will still ‘Beat a Bitch’s Ass’ … but sometimes that’s hot

Kimora Lee Simmons went lip-to-lip with a gorgeous blond woman at Cipriani Upstairs Thursday.

The mystery kisser, who’d been hanging with Simmons at her table all evening, got up on the bar for a dirty dance as the 6-foot stunner shimmied in front of her. Blondie then gave Simmons an eyebrow-raising smooch. A rep for the Baby Phat designer, who was no doubt excited about her show at the tents the next day, says it was “a friendly kiss hello to a party guest.”

Via Jossip

No matter the observable hijinx – PR flacks are on hand to spin down the Ari Fleisher flavored foolishness. Just stare you blatantly in your face and lie like a dog by a fireplace.

Impressive in a day where the PR BS bar had already been hoisted so high by Celebitchy favorite PR flack Sara Forage – who started our celebitchy day claiming that Jade Jagger simply didn’t recall drunkenly hopping all over Virgin first class with fat and filthy friends in tow. She drinks ’cause flying makes her nervous was the best they came up with. Amateur Hour I tell you … Kimora and her PR folks beat that bitch’s ass … she will see your pint of denial and raise you a gallon of her own – with high baby ‘beat a bitch down’ phat content.

Who needs a show in the tents when you got the Cipriani All Girl Revue. No wonder Russell hasn’t pursued that divorce … he’s lucky — the little wizened midget — and should thank the Gods of Olympus and Kimoristan for gifting him a crazed Amazon lip locker to share his McMansion.

or perhaps … Stereopeein’ in public

Proving that even rock singers better watch it gettin’ lippy with the fuzz (well bobbies, or actually coppers) Kelly Jones from Stereophonics has been ticketed and warned for that ultimate weekend warrior sin: public urination

Kelly had been on a night out with friends in Camden on Tuesday when he felt nature call. A source told the Sun: “He was relieving himself in the middle of the street outside the Barfly venue when a couple of passing coppers spotted him.”
Kelly himself added: “I said to the copper, ‘You telling me you never had a piss in the street?’ He said that the people of Camden wouldn’t appreciate me urinating on their streets. I said, ‘I know that. That’s why I live in Fulham.’ He said, ‘I’m taking you in.’”

Sounds like they oughtta have taken him in for doing a bad Bugsy Malone imitation as well: ” You’ll never take me alive coppers … not you and your whole flatfoot crew … Now go jerk yourself a soda copper, I’m busy weeing in the road.”

It must be counted an additional benefit for the UK volunteer incontinence brigade that the ‘coppers’ in London don’t carry guns.

In New York your Stereophonic mouthing off gets you the standard issue Mean Streets beat down and you’ve no one to blame but yourself. In the (increasingly) damp streets of Camden town they just make fun of your hair-cut. Apparently the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy quintet are running the local police academy. I kid you not … the story continued thusly

Kelly claims the officers then started to make fun of his haircut. He explained: “I said to the copper he should have a day off. He said, ‘You just had a haircut? I can see the hair on your face.

Not exactly Carson Kressley quality bon mots … still it’s nice that the Talentless Five have found a new gig. How very Madonna of them to have set up house in England.

J.Lo shocked employees at a recording studio by sending over a list of remarkable demands a mere two hours before she was due to record. She wanted a specific type of fresh hot Cuban bread, all kinds of Skittles, and most incredibly, all low-watt bulbs set at specific angles to replace the lighting throughout the studio. I really hope she was being video recorded, because that sounds ridiculous if she was just showing up to sing:

Top of the crackpot catalogue given to staff at Santa Monica’s famous Westlake Studios in LA was: change all the lights for dimmer ones and place them at angles to make the singer look “desirable”.

One record executive told us: “J.Lo was such a diva when she was here last week. Her people sent us a three-page rider request for her dressing room which was absurd. It was so last-minute.

“All the lights had to be at a certain wattage and an angle to make her look good. We’ve never seen anything like it since Michael Jackson asked for a room to be made above the studio so his monkey Bubbles could watch him record.”

Her food needs also went into agonising detail. Our insider continues: “She wanted fresh, piping-hot Cuban bread which we had to trawl 10 bakeries to find and dozens of packets of Skittles – including the new sour flavour. She also wanted a gourmet meat selection, a separate cheese platter and crates of water and fruit and scented candles.

“We needed to get six extra members of staff to fetch all she needed and lug all the food and crates over.”

But then the star – who is making her new album – hardly touched her grub.

Our exec added: “There was enough to eat for about 20 people in the end, but she barely so much as looked at it.

“No one here could believe it – we knew she was a little demanding sometimes but this was absurd.”

It’s not like she was performing for thousands of people – she was making an album. Maybe there was a film crew with her for her dance contest reality show and that’s her excuse.

J.Lo’s first ex, waiter Ojani Noa, has been ordered to go into private arbitration in her lawsuit seeking to block his tell-all book. That’s a victory for Lopez, because it means that details of the book will not be made public.

Noa tried to blackmail Lopez, claiming he’d publish the book unless she paid him $5 million. She sued him, citing a confidentiality agreement he signed in late 2005 as part of his payout for leaving his job as a manager at her restaurant.

Among the rumored details in the book is Noa’s claim that J.Lo cheated on Diddy with Marc Anthony back when Anthony was married, and that she had “multiple duplicitous sexual affairs” on the set of Anaconda in 1997. Noa also is said to claim that J.Lo is into the voodo religion Santeria and that she performed spells on her enemies and lovers. Scientology might not be so much of a stretch for her then.

Here are pictures of J.Lo and her corpse bride promoting her Spanish language CD, Como Ama Una Mujer, in Miami on January 23. Pictures from Go-JLo.com

Paris Hilton was engaged to Tommy Hillfiger model Jason Shaw from mid-2002 to early 2003, and from the documents on the ParisExposed site it seems like they were dating since mid 2001. (Paris might just have some of his earlier writing, and may not have known him at that point, it’s hard to tell.) In fact this might have been the guy whose baby she miscarried/aborted in March, 2003, and it may have hastened the end of their relationship.

There are tons of love letters from Jason to Paris on the ParisExposed site, and I can publish them if you guys want, but I figure he’s not really a public figure like Nick Carter and it might not be fair to post all his personal shit. He was really crazy about Paris and goes on about how much he loves and misses her. He comes off a bit cloying in his extensive letters to her, but as you can see from this little love book Paris filled out for him in April, 2002, the feeling was mutual for some time.

There’s plenty of funny shit in this book Paris wrote to him. She seems to enjoy receiving oral sex, and mentions it several times. She also calls her girl parts her “weiner,” and says on the front and back inside covers of the book:

I miss everything about you even our little fights. I need you in my sight, in my arms, in my life, in my weiner You have no idea how happy you make me – cause I don’t think I could even describe it in words.

Paris was just 21 when she wrote that. Just like her card to Nick Carter, it seems like Jason never received this or it wouldn’t be among her things. There’s at least one half sentence, so it’s possible she decided against giving it to him or wanted to finish it and never did.

On one page the ParisExposed people noted in a caption that she obviously misunderstood a question. In response to “It drives me crazy when you…” she wrote “have photo shoots and go to acting class.” Maybe she didn’t want to make yet another oral sex reference.

Just when I started thinking Paris was sweet and a little sentimental I read her response to the question “The best thing about us is…” and was reminded of her all-consuming vanity:

We are the most beautiful couple in the world. We are perfect for each other + love each other more than any 2 people ever could or would.

In response to a question about how he makes her laugh, she writes you “make fun of people with me.”

Among these documents there are also two collages Paris made for Jason, and a love card she wrote him in which she inexplicably pasted a picture of a woman’s nose and wrote that it was “f*#^in huge.” It’s possible it was her own nose, but it’s hard to tell. Like I said, I’m not publishing his tortured letters to her because it seems like a violation of his privacy. Unfortunately for Paris, she’s fair game by now.

I wanted to avoid talking about this, because homophobes are so 1987, but Isaiah Washington called his co-star on Grey’s Anatomy, T.R. Knight the f word while they were on set back in October, prompting a fight with fellow star Patrick Dempsey, who came to Knight’s defense. Knight has since come out of the closet, making Washington look like even more of a douche.

Then during a Golden Globes interview, Washington invoked the terrible f word again while denying that the incident happened, and tried to backtrack by saying how much he loves the gays.

Their other co-star Katherine Heigl chimed in, saying Washington should STFU about it and not ruin everyone’s special night. ABC was forced to issue a statement saying they have a good work environment and don’t condone Washington’s behavior, and Washington has finally apologized with a statement admitting that he is the idiot that everyone has been calling him.

Here’s Heigl’s second statement about it. She says they need to stop talking about it, it’s hurtful, and that T.R. is her “best friend in the whole world.”

Can they fire this guy and can we move on now?

Header image is original art for Celebitchy by UrbanDK. Video is from TMZ.

It’s been widely rumored that comic Dane Cook steals his material from other comics and then has his people pay them off under the table to avoid lawsuits. Along with being unoriginal, his people sure take offense when bloggers dare write something bad about him.

Whoever runs Dane’s official myspace sent a baiting message to Best Week Ever writer Alex Blagg after Blagg wrote some crap about him. Then when Blagg got back to Dane’s myspace asking him why anyone cares about what he writes he received a long mistake-filled e-mail back. The diatribe is full of personal attacks and angry accusations and doesn’t make a lot of sense. Someone’s got issues:

you wish you were Dane Cook and that’s one of your problems. your an elitist dolt with nothing but a crappy unfunny bio. Or as we call you “alt”

if i am DC or not doesn’t really matter. i got into your head and thats all i wanted. once you start posting your jealous “remarks” .. and in forums it is not just your private opinion anymore. So not everyone that reads it thinks your an adorable heavy set treat with your witty quips. I demur that position you take sir.

my remark lets see — well — is you’re a nobody douche with low self esteem that wishes he could contribute anything to this world so how do you do it? Hmmm I guess your a critic of people? That is your new title AB the critic of people! How does that pay when you’re not working at the kinkos or is it home depot?

your parents must me so proud. Let’s call them together and tell them about your latest post!

I look forward to your reply. I wager you sit writing and re-writing for well over an hour. Heart pounding trying to think of the perfect phrase or wording to get back at me at someone you dont know at all but you are great at that right? How can you take down someone that gave you the opportunity to speak at all? Go ahead sweetness write back with your well oiled quips — call a friend maybe they will help write it. Or better yet do what you ALWAYS do and take out your lack of worth on Dane Cook and others that work hard, contribute and get their goals — the ones that CAN’T FIGHT YOU because they are too busy and have too much to do to even notice you.

You would never in a million blogs say anything to anyones face you scared kitty. i bet my eyes on it.

Man think about your mom and dad. F*&@ they must wish they had a son that was worth something more than a blogging hater. Don’t worry Alex you’re not the only one who is getting this treatment from me. See you’re not that special even in bs like this. I just love turning the hard light on some of you bitter pills.

THAT is your legacy. Think about those words Alex Blagg. THAT is what your name has earned.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. A commentor on Best Week Ever notes that “I wrote about him slightly negatively on my blog last year and he sent me an email within hours.”

Does anyone think this guy is funny? He only came up on my radar when he appeared in that terribly boring movie with Jessica Simpson and was rumored to be banging her briefly. Pajiba critic Dustin Rowles says of Cook:

Dane Cook is that dumbass who shows up to every (every) concert you’ve ever been to in your life and screams in between every single motherf&#@ing song break, “Freebird! Hey, Man. Play Freebird!”

Apparently, he or his minions also get into drunken fights with the guys trying to watch the concert who tell him to STFU. People who do that online are called trolls.

Dane’s publicist swears he didn’t write that message and says there are all sorts of fake myspace sites out there. The message came from his official myspace page, though, the one he links from his website.

Cook is said to let his sister and family members manage his myspace page and add friends for him, and it’s possible one of them wrote that message. The target of that unintelligible e-mail, Alex Blagg, tells Radar Online:

I can confirm with absolute certainty they came from the Official MySpace Page he’s so famous for, which means if Dane didn’t send them, all his millions of MySpace friends are actually interacting with some other douchebag who can’t take a joke.”

Update: Dane Cook blogged that his myspace was hacked and said that was how the e-mail was sent to Alex Blagg. Given how much better he writes and how different the tone is, I sort of believe it wasn’t him. He doesn’t help his cause by dissing bloggers and going on about how there are more important things in life like people fighting in Iraq. He dismisses all the controversy as noise because he doesn’t agree with bloggers’ opinions. Just like making shit jokes, writing about celebrities online is a job. We’re not making jokes on stage, but it’s entertainment and has a similar place in society. Isn’t he supposed to understand the Internet since he’s an early adopter? (And we also support our troops while hoping they come home as soon as possible. How is caring about the world and dissing people incompatible?)

If Cook is to be believed and he didn’t write it, then a likely scenario is that it was someone close to him with access to the site. He didn’t really endear himself to bloggers in his response, though.