Here’s something you don’t want to do first thing in the morning: look through all of the photos from the Kids Choice Awards as you begin to feel the bitter twinge of your own mortality. Seriously, I have no idea who the majority of those people were at that event. I feel like there’s this whole other world of kid celebrities that I’m absolutely clueless about. Anyway, if you want to know more about this year’s Kids Choice Awards, go here to Radar. Miley Cyrus and Taylor Lautner were named the Best Actor/Actress, so that speaks volumes. UPDATE: Whoops, that was from last year. This year’s winners are here. I’m just going to do some of the photos from the event, trying to cull through the mountain of photos to find some people that I actually recognize. Like beautiful Sofia and her skinny jeans. I hate skinny jeans on almost everybody. Sofia is not like everybody else though.

I don’t even want to talk about this photo of Joe Jonas and Unknown Boy #5. Oh, I see… it’s his little brother. Wait, there’s ANOTHER Jonas brother?!?

But that’s not as disturbing as Raccoon McPantless!!! Pants-wearing sellout.

Heidi Klum, looking surprisingly pulled-together. Does anyone else get the feeling she’s pregnant again?

I really like Miley’s dress. It’s a pretty dress, and it looks nice on her. Sure, it’s a little too dressed-up for this event, but it’s also one of the most modest things she’s worn in the past two years.

Russell Brand’s “bunny face” is terrifying.

For God’s sake, Kim. Put your tatas away! This is a kids’ event!!

Josh Duhamel. I don’t get it.

And lastly, one of the few celebrity children that I know, Willow Smith. This outfit seems… subdued. Right? I was expecting something much crazier.

Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.

Okay, I just covered some of the fashion from the Jameson Empire Awards (Keira, Lily and Noomi), and here are some of the hot guys from the ceremony. My top guy, of course, is James McAvoy and his sexy little ginger beard and his gorgeous blue eyes. This boy is such an unconventional heartthrob, isn’t he? He has a nice body, but he’s kind of small and wiry, and he’s handsome, but so, so boyish, and he’s got that thick Scottish brogue… and somehow, all of it combined is exceedingly erotic. He’s delicious. I enjoy his style too – he’s not really fashionable or anything, but he always looks comfortable. Sigh… I’m in love with him.

Gary Oldman was at the Empire Awards too – I think he won something. Whatevs. I can’t say I really care for his glasses, but I do like his hair these days. Remember when Oldman used to be crazy? And now he’s so… establishment.

A little Mark Strong, for those who enjoy him (as I do). For the past few weeks, Mark Strong has been a contender to make Hot Guy Friday, but he ends up getting pushed aside. Mark Strong for HGF?

And finally, Colin Firth. I’ve missed him so much since the awards season! I had gotten used to seeing photos of him all the time and reading so many of his interviews. I hope he’s enjoying his Oscar win.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

The Empire Awards were held last night in London, and some interesting people came out. I’ll be covering the (hot) dudes from the ceremony in a moment, I just wanted to talk about some of the girls right now. I suppose Keira Knightley was the closest thing to A-list at the show, and she looked like she knew it too. That’s what her face says to me “I can’t believe I’m here, I’m so ABOVE this.” Of course, her face also says to me “I need to detox and eat something” so maybe I’m just reading too much into faces this morning. The dress is Rodarte Fall 2011 RTW collection – I’m having difficulties seeing beyond the unflattering beige to actually look at the design of this thing. All in all, it’s not the worst thing Keira’s ever worn, but it’s not really good, either. And her face! Yikes. Do you remember how fresh and pretty Keira used to look? Don’t even try to pull the “She looks the same!” card. This girl is dealing with something that is harming her physically.

Next: Lily Cole. When we last heard from Lily, she was boning David Gandy. For real. And when I put up some recent photos of her, her defenders were all “You picked the worst photos! She’s prettier than that!!” Um, really? This is how she chose to present herself at the Empire Awards. Yellow Prada, headband, vague expression. And this is Gandy’s type? Ugh.

And lastly, my favorite – Noomi Rapace! She’s the original Lisbeth Salander in the Swedish adaptations of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and the other two books. I love Noomi, and I love how pretty and girly she is in real life. I like her little black dress!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

HUZZAH! The Duchess of Crumpets has been good to us this year! Did I call this? I think I called this, way back when. I’m so, so happy that The Social Network got shut out – I liked The Social Network and it’s a solid movie, but The King’s Speech is, in my opinion, an instant classic, and one of the best films of the past few years. The acceptance speeches wasn’t all that, it’s just blah blah Harvey Weinstein, etc. Alright, bitches. Good night, y’all.

This really was a coronation. Colin Firth walked into the Kodak Theatre knowing that he was the closest thing to a sure thing in Oscar betting pools. His campaign (helmed by Harvey Weinstein) was lovely, and it worked brilliantly. Colin took every major award this season, including a Globe, the SAG, the Critic’s Choice, the BAFTA, and now, the Oscar. One of the reasons Colin has succeeded so beautifully this year is because he’s able to come across as very genuine, and like each award genuinely moves him. My theory: Colin is England’s Tom Hanks. He’s genuine, warm, nice, and a family man. The comparison totally works.

Anyway, the win! First, Sandra Bullock came out and was funny and sweet. She’s the female, American version of Colin Firth!!! When Colin won, he gave his wife a nice kiss, then Helena, then a hand-hug with Geoffrey Rush. I loved his opening line: “I have a feeling my career just peaked.” I also love that he took his time, and he was allowed to take his time. He thought about what he was saying, he thanked everybody he wanted to thank, including Harvey Weinstein, “who took me on 20 years ago, when I was a mere child sensation.” Oh, he thanked Tom Ford too! Love that. I love that Colin recognizes that everyone’s opinion of him as an actor changed with A Single Man. Colin represents!

So… I’m just really happy for Colin. Well deserved!

Promotional image from The King’s Speech, additional pics by WENN.

YAY!!! Tom Hooper, a lovely Englishman wins Best Director. And he‘s a mama‘s boy! Or a mummy‘s boy, as they say. I‘m so, so happy that the director of The King‘s Speech won! I feel like it will definitely take Best Picture now. Anyway, back to Hooper – his speech was lovely, and I like that Kathryn Bigelow gave the award to Hooper. Hooper gave thanks to “The Triangle of Man Love” – himself, Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth, with a special mention fro Helena Bonham Carter, who made a funny face when the camera cut to her.

I’m so happy! Go TKS, go!!!

Well, Melissa Leo’s Glamour Shots didn’t hurt! Take note, future Oscar nominees! Melissa Leo won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in The Fighter after a prolonged presenting duty done by Kirk Douglas. I get that Kirk is a legend and everything, but I just felt for the nominees who had to sit there through his convoluted speech with their nerves in tatters. In her speech, Melissa said in part: “I’m just shaking in my boots here… thank you David O. Russell, the actors, Mark Wahlberg, Amy Adams…Yeah, I am kind of speechless, golly there’s people up there. When I saw Kate win two years ago, it looked so F-CKING EASY.” She was referring to Kate Winslet, by the way. And she cursed on live television! Shocking. They bleeped it really fast though. Thank God for the time delay.

Anyway, this was expected. Melissa won the Globe, the SAG and a bunch of critics awards. Her Glamour Shots didn’t hurt, and honestly, this is probably the only award The Fighter is going to win. Sorry, I forgot about Christian Bale! Whatev. Congrats to Melissa! Considering she was winning everything, it wouldn’t have hurt her to have prepared something a little less… trashy, I guess?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This is just our Open Post for all things Oscar this year – I’ll be updating this throughout the red carpet (I‘ll be watching the E! Red Carpet, by the way), and once the ceremony starts and the big awards begin to be handed out, CB and I will be doing individual posts on the winners. I have my fingers crossed for The King’s Speech, but other than that, I have to say… this might be one of the most subdued awards seasons ever, so I have very low expectations for this Oscar telecast. The most interesting people tonight will probably be the presenters. I do hope there’s at least one major upset… perhaps in Best Supporting Actress?

Anyway, if you’re drinking tonight, first of all, DON’T DRIVE. Hopefully your drunk ass is sitting at home with your box of wine and a bag of Doritos, in which case, might I suggest you take a big gulp of your jug o’ wine every time:

1. Ryan Seacrest comes on to a male celebrity on the red carpet.
2. You can see a woman’s Spanx line.
3. A woman winces when she tries to smile through the Botox.
4. La Seacrest makes celebrities talk about him.
5. James Franco laughs at one of his own jokes.
6. James Franco or Anne Hathaway makes a reefer joke.
7. Every gratituitous cut-away to Natalie Portma’s bitchface.

You should be wasted by 8:30! Enjoy yourselves, bitches! I’ll start updating once the red carpet gets swinging.

6:02 – Okay, the Red Carpet has begun! Jennifer Lawrence is absolutely beautiful, and I love that she wore her hair down. The Calvin Klein dress is simple and pretty. I like it. It’s age-appropriate too.

6:04 – I like Guiliana’s Christian Sirano too!

6:07 – OH NOES. What is Melissa Leo wearing, a doily?!? Also: was that little Hailee Steinfeld in the prom gown?

6:11 – Hot damn! Mila Kunis looks AMAZING. Did you see that strut? Melissa Leo is wearing Marc Bower, btw. A Marc Bower original mirrored doily dress. Tacky, tacky, tacky. I don’t even like ML’s hair.

6:16 – Armie Hammer is so… unaffected. He’s just big and goofy and kinda dumb.

6:22 – Hailee looks like a 15-year-old girl who wanted to look like a princess. She’s adorable. Who caught the hint of Michelle Williams in a F&%$# neutral.

6:24 – Oh, okay – Michelle Williams looks cute, and I love that her “date” is Busy Phillips, her BFF. Thoughts on Amy Adams’ navy/purple dress? Love that Dame Seacrest mispronounced “antithetical”.

6:27 – Florence Welsh was cute but boring. Mila… same. I dislike Mila’s hair. Mandy Moore, just STOP.

6:32 – Russell Brand is presenting with his true love Dame Helen Mirren!!! OK, I LOVE Michelle’s dress.

6:34 – Um, what’s going on with Michelle Williams’ lips? Is that The Herpe?!? The Chanel is gorge though.

6:41 – I liked Anne Hathaway’s red dress. She was really working it too. OOOooh, Mark Ruffalo! And I HATE Amy Adams’ L”Wren Scott dress and styling. I’ve made up my mind. Her bad hair made the decision for me.

6:49 – Why are Guiliana & Kelly jizzing over Mandy Moore’s dumb Monique Lul-whatever dress? It sucked.

6:50 – I love Mark Ruffalo. I love that he loves his wife.

6:51 – J.Hud in orange-red. Don’t care for what the dress does to her boobs. At all.

6: 52 – Geoffrey Rush!!! BLANCHETT!!!!!!!!! La Blanchett is on the carpet. CODE RED!!!

6:58 – Re: Blanchett – Um, okay, the dress is “complicated”. It is “high fashion”. It isn’t “pretty”. But she’s Cate Friggin’ Blanchett, so HATERS CAN STUFF IT. ScarJo’s Dolce & Gabbana is HIDEOUS. Last thing – Kevin Spacey hitting on Jeremy Renner?!?

7:01 – DRINK, bitches. Dame Seacrest just hit on Kevin Spacey. And Justin Timberlake brought his mother, not Jessica Biel. Sucks to be Jessica Biel tonight!

7:03 – God, I hate ScarJo’s dress. It looks so cheap and Vegas.

7:08 – Sharon Stone = Cruela de Vil. CRAZY BITCH.

7:09 – Timberlake, ENOUGH.

7:11 – Something nice about Marisa Tomei: I like that she looks natural, and un-Botoxed. Something mean about Marisa: Her dress is TERRIBLE. And the hair is BAD.

7:17 – HELENA!!! She looks kind of pretty, right? Also, I like Hilary Swank’s dress (Versace?). I want to marry HBC, though.

7:22 – What is Nicole Kidman wearing? It looks weird too.

7:24 – ZOMG, Celine Dion looks awesome!! Oooo – Halle. Halle in a neutral. Blech.

7:25 – Penelope Cruz & Javi on the red carpet together!! YAY! Hugh Jackman is so cute. I wish Christian Bale has shaved that junk. COLIN FIRTH IS THE MAN. I feel like we’ve seen this dress on Halle before, right?

7:27 – ZOMG Homoerotic moment: Javi and Josh Brolin kissing. Priceless. Reese Witherspoon looks so CUTE!!

7:32 – Space-age Goop! I like Gwyneth’s Calvin Klein, honestly, but I HATE her hair. She needs a new colorist. LOVE Penelope’s dress. And bitches, you’ve got to drink after Seacrest tried to get into Matthew McCon.’s pants. Love Camila Alves’ dress. She looked so beautiful. HATE HATE HATE Nicole Kidman’s dress. It’s HIDEOUS.

7:38 – Sandra Bullock in red Vera Wang. Cute. The makeup was a little weird, but I thought she got it mostly right. I really do like Gwyneth’s dress. What does that mean?!?

7:42 – RDJ is here. All of you other bitches can go home.

7:52 – Rhea Wahlberg is so pretty, but that dress is completely hideous.

7:58 – The Bitchface is here!! Natalie Portman in purple. Thoughts?

Okay, I’m signing off on the live-blog! Enjoy the show, bitches!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Last night, the Independent Spirit Awards were held, and Black Swan was the biggest awards-getter. Black Swan took Best Feature, Best Director (Darren Aronofsky), Best Female Lead (Natalie Portman) and Best Cinematography. Another big winner: James Franco for Best Male Lead (for 127 Hours). In his speech, he even dropped “I went to film school” which should make Lainey happy. Franco’s words were: “I just went through film school at NYU and finished my thesis film, so independent film means a lot to me.” Oh, Franco. You toolbox. Other winners: Exit Through the Gift Shop for Best Documentary, Get Low won Best First Feature, The Kids Are All Right won Best Screenplay, The King’s Speech for Best Foreign Film, John Hawkes (Winter’s Bone) for Best Supporting Actor, and Dale Dickey (Winter’s Bone) for Best Supporting Actress.

As far as fashion went… well… ugh. I usually like the Spirit Awards for their laid-back fashion moments. In years past, most women are in laid back sundresses or comfortable pants. This year… not so much. Natalie Portman’s maternity style is just horrible, Nicole Kidman needs help coordinating colors, and Melissa Leo is just tacky. Who wears a bright satin ball gown to the Spirit Awards, Melissa? Here are some photos from the Spirit Awards, including The Hamm and his girl, Franco, Jeremy Renner, Ewan McGregor (looking gorgeous), and Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts:

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Last night was the music industry’s biggest night and we were treated to a lot of excellent performances. I wish that the Oscars would follow the Grammys lead and try to make it entertaining for the masses. Three and a half hours is too long though and I started to get really tired toward the end. (I was watching in the morning too.) They should cut about half of it or try to spread it over a couple of nights.

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* Christina Aguilera tried to dominate the tribute to Aretha Franklin with her Clockwork Orange eyelashes and over the top runs. The other divas knew less was more and Yolanda Adams and Jennifer Hudson were the real standouts. Florence Welch, Yolanda Adams and Martina McBride also belted out Aretha’s hits. I just wish she was there to watch it live. Aretha looked great in the clip they showed.

* Presenter Ricky’s Martin’s silver pants. That is all.

* Lady Gaga’s performed “Born This Way,” during which she came out of that lit-up pod as some kind of metaphor for being reborn. As far as her stunts go this one was pretty minor. I expected some sort of protoplasm or goo to be involved. Maybe that’s what the nude-colored latex stood for. I loved her pointy shoulders. I kept hearing “Express Yourself” in my head though, she even added a “Come On!” in the middle. That song is a major fail.

* Miranda Lambert performed “The House That Built Me.” That song evokes so many memories and I remember the first time I heard it on the radio. Her performance wasn’t that great though. She just kind of stood there.

* Presenter Lenny Kravitz was draped in black animal skins and chains like a post apocalyptic caveman.

* Muse (aka Kate Hudson’s boyfriend’s band) performed “Uprising.” They’re pretty damn good and the visual display that made it look like stuff was falling and breaking behind them while people fought on stage was awesome.

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* Bruno Mars, B.O.B. and Janelle Monae did a softer medley of “Nothing on You,” followed by Mars doing an incredible retro version “Grenade.” Janelle Monae then belted out a rousing “Cold War.” There was a lot of talent on stage for that one.

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* Justin Bieber and Usher reminisced about how they first met in 2007 and then Usher did an acoustic version of “Baby Baby” followed by a high production “Never Say Never” in which he strutted around on some scaffolding while surrounded by ninjas. Then Jaden Smith popped out of the ground to rap in his cheetah print leggings. The kid can dance. My favorite part was when they showed Will and Jada in the audience and they looked so proud.

Usher and his dancers in royal blue then did OMG, with Justin coming on stage to kneel underneath him at the finale. It was like Usher was taking his throne as king of the teenyboppers.

* Presenter Pauley Perrette from NCIS was wearing a ridiculous lime green dress with some black notes on it, and the chick from Paramore, Hayley Williams, had on a sequin black dress with a see-through panel in the middle and a fuschia ring of feathers at the mid-thigh hem. Coupled with her candy red hair it was too much.

*Muse’s Matt Bellamy gave a shout out to his “beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there” when his band won best rock album. The camera should have panned to Kate Hudson, but it didn’t.

* Lady Gaga won best pop album for Fame Monster. She had on a black sculptured body suit with exaggerated rib bones, ass and breasts. The audio cut out at the beginning so she must have sworn. Her speech was so over the top. “I had this dream when I was really young that I could be whatever I wanted to be.” She thanked Whitney Houston, saying “when I wrote Born this Way I imagined Whitney singing it, because I wasn’t secure enough in myself to imagine I was a superstar.” GMAFB. Shouldn’t she thank Madonna for writing the song?

* Mumford & Sons performed “The Cave” along with brass accompaniment. They didn’t have a backdrop or anything and they didn’t need it. The song was so good and they were so fired up.

* The Avett Brothers performed “Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise.” and then Bob Dylan came on stage with both bands to sing “Maggie’s Farm.” Everyone looked thrilled to jam with Dylan, and the result was all kinds of awesome.

* Lady Antebellum sang if “You Don’t Know Me By Now” and “American Honey.” They closed it out with their hit “Need you Now.” They then won Best Country Album.

* Jamie Foxx presented Cee Lo Green who did “Forget You” with Gwyneth Paltrow accompanied by dancing puppets. Cee Lo was wearing a bunch of feathers and looked like Elton John threw up all over him. Gwyneth came out in a low cut tight black catsuit with some killer shoes. She did a great job, I’ll grudgingly admit. It’s worth noting that Coldplay wasn’t nominated for anything so they weren’t there.

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*Neil Patrick Harris presented Katy Perry with a little joke about how he had sex with her on TV and was left confused. Katy Perry sang “Not Like The Movies” while suspended on a bedazzled swing. Then she sang “Teenage Dream” in front of a Valentines backdrop. She is a tribute to autotune. I guess her wedding video was playing in the background but I wasn’t paying attention.

*Nora Jones, John Mayer and Keith Urban did an acoustic version of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene.” Perfection. Dolly should have been there! Mayer looked like he’d been on a bender.

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* Seth Rogan joked that he was backstage getting high with Miley Cyrus. He introduced Rihanna, Eminem and Dr. Dre. Rihanna is another tribute to autotune. She did “Love The Way You Lie” with Eminem and he really worked the stage, moving on to “I Need a Doctor” with Dr. Dre.

* Esperanza Spalding won best new artist.

* Glee’s Matthew Morrison introduced the Grammy president Neil Portnow. They then did the tribute to artists lost.

* Mick Jagger did “Everybody Needs Somebody To Love.” This is when I really started zoning out. I mean Mick is awesome and everything but this was just too long.

* Kris Kristofferson presented Barbra Streisand, who did “Evergreen.” It was lovely.

* Nicki Minaj and Will.i.am presented best rap album, which Eminem won. He looked too skinny to me. He thanked Rihanna and gave a shout out to Detroit.

* Diddy introduced Rihanna and Drake, who did “What’s My Name.” Diddy was kind of slow and stumbled over his words. Rihanna was sexy in a fringed bikini thing that matched her Ronald McDonald hair. I was mesmerized by the diamond design on her crotch.

* JLo and Skeletor introduced the record of the year. Marc Anthony started singing “Volare” and Lopez said “Papi, no” after which he scrunched up his face and rolled his eyes. I’m sure they practiced that but it felt like she was schooling him.

* Lady Antebellum won for “Need You Now”

* Jason Segal told some lame jokes to introduce Arcade Fire performing “Month of May.” It was kind of dizzying with a ton of strobes and flashing lights.

* Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Streisand presented album of the year, which went to Arcade Fire for The Suburbs. I don’t think Barbra knew who they were because she said their album first.

Here’s a list of the winners: (more complete list here)
Pop Performance by a Duo or Group: “Hey Soul Sister,” Train
Female Country Vocal Performance: “The House That Built Me,” Miranda Lambert
Rock Album: “The Resistance,” Muse
Pop Vocal Album: “The Fame Monster,” Lady Gaga
Country Album: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Song of the Year: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Best New Artist: Esperanza Spalding
Rap Album: “Recovery,” Eminem
Record of the Year: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Album of the Year: “The Suburbs,” Arcade Fire

Did you make it through the whole thing? There were some amazing performances that’s for sure.

Here’s a link to another highlights video from the BBC.

Update: Thanks to HipHopHoney for the performance videos.