Well the ever-so-fickle Academy has decided against asking Ellen DeGeneres, last year’s host, back again. Apparently there’s a different producer most every year, and the producer picks the host. So this year’s producer produced 2006’s Academy Awards and wants to go with 2006’s host, Jon Stewart. Stewart as given so-so reviews after his first hosting gig. DeGeneres was apparently considered “too nice” – though I didn’t realize the Academy Awards were supposed to be edgy.

“Jon Stewart will return as host of the Academy Awards. The star of Comedy Centrals ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’ will get his second shot at hosting Hollywood’s premiere event, which will be held on Feb. 24 at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. He hosted the 78th annual awards show in 2006.

“Stewart was ‘a terrific host’ for that event, Oscar telecast producer Gil Cates said Wednesday, announcing the selection in a statement from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. The academy didn’t indicate why it decided to go with Stewart after using comedian Ellen DeGeneres this year. ‘I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s a charm,’ Stewart joked.

[From the Associated Press]

I didn’t realize hosting the Oscars was such a revolving door situation. I know it’s considered kind of the “be all end all” for a lot of comedians, but I have yet to watch one that didn’t cure my chronic insomnia in 30 minutes flat. But that’s also the reason I haven’t watched one in a few years. I thought Jon Stewart’s humor didn’t really translate from his show to the Oscars. His political humor is funny, but there’s only so much room for it in an awards show format.

“Stewart, a political satirist, injected some political humor into his 2006 performance, taking jabs at the war in Iraq and ribbing Hollywood’s elite about their ties to the Democratic Party. However, some jokes bombed and he got mixed reviews. ‘His usually impeccable blend of puckishness and self-effacement fell flat,’ a review by The Associated Press said, adding he was ‘too deferential, too nice and too obvious in his targets.’

“The 44-year-old Stewart, who also hosted the Grammys in 2001 and 2002, noted the split decision on his own cable TV show the night after the Oscars, saying he had a great time but didn’t know how he did until he saw the reviews.

“‘I sucked and was great!’ he said. ‘I was a painfully smug and unfunny heir to Johnny Carson.’”

[From the Associated Press]

Does anyone else find Hollywood’s obsession with awards kind of annoying? Why is so much congratulation necessary? I guess it’s just the fact that they’re all awarding each other, like it’s some great accomplishment. I think it’s kind of the grown up children in us that want a blue ribbon for doing well at the science fair. Only the science fair involves a lot of low cut strapless dresses and cummerbunds. I don’t even want to tell you what’s in their juice boxes.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Jon Stewart at the Emmy Awards last year. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Justin Timberlake has been forced (forced I tell you!) to cancel two of his upcoming shows due to vocal strain. Apparently touring for several months straight has hurt his vocal cords. This seems to be a fairly common problem for performers, which always makes me wonder why they don’t schedule more time in between each show to rest. If I made the kind of money Justin makes, I’d wrap my throat in a warm velvet pillow soaked in honey at all times. They say honey is good for the throat. I’m guessing if it’s good in it, then it’s good on it, too. Though that might just be because I want to put honey on Justin Timberlake. Moving on.

“Justin Timberlake has been ordered to rest his voice.

“Timberlake’s strained voice is the result of his performance Sunday at MTV’s Video Music Awards in Las Vegas and months of touring, Jive Records said in a statement Tuesday.

“A doctor ordered several days of vocal rest for Timberlake, forcing the 26-year-old singer to miss shows in Sacramento, Calif., on Monday and San Jose, Calif., on Wednesday.

“Tour promoter AEG Live has rescheduled the shows for Sept. 23 in San Jose and Sept. 25 in Sacramento. Timberlake wraps up his FutureSex/LoveShow tour this month.”

[From the Washington Post]

That sucks, though that still leaves Emmy night free, thank God. Even though I previously reported/hailed that Timberlake and Andy Samberg were going to sing “Dick in a Box” at the Emmys, details have still not been finalized. The pair won a Creative Arts Emmy in the “Original Music and Lyrics” category this past weekend (see, there is a reason for the Junior Emmys after all!) at which point Andy Samberg said the pair haven’t even been asked to perform the song yet. It’s possible the original E! News story was wrong, but it’s also possible Samberg was just grumpily saying that they haven’t been asked – a lot of sources beyond E! have been reporting that the pair were asked to perform, but ran into a snag, refusing to censor the lyrics. Fight the power! Unless it means you can’t perform at all, then compromise it all so we have a reason to watch the Emmys!

“An off-color ‘Saturday Night Live’ video featuring Justin Timberlake and strategically placed gift boxes was honored at the Creative Arts Emmy Awards.

‘(Blank) in a Box,’ last December’s fake music video performed by Timberlake and ‘SNL’ cast member Andy Samberg, is about wrapping a part of the male anatomy and presenting it to a loved one as a holiday present.

“‘I think it’s safe to say that when we first set out to make this song, we were all thinking Emmy!’ Samberg said in accepting the award Saturday for best original music and lyrics. ‘The other thing we were thinking was, “Hey! Here’s this young up and comer, Justin Timberlake, who is clearly very talented and could clearly use a break,”’ Samberg said. ‘So, Justin, if you’re out there, congrats to you, kid.’ Timberlake was elsewhere Saturday: He had a concert scheduled in Tacoma, Wash. But his tour takes him to Los Angeles on Primetime Emmys night, raising the possibility he could perform ‘Box’ at the ceremony.

“As Samberg arrived at the creative arts awards, he told The Associated Press that he had yet to be asked by the TV academy to perform the song with Timberlake on the Fox broadcast - but he was willing, he said.”

[From the Associated Press]

I pray to all deities that Andy Samberg is just being coy. If I have led any of you astray, I apologize. Awards shows annoy the crap out of me (on principle – you’re acting, people, not moving mountains) and I think “Dick in a Box” is the only thing that can get me through. I’m not one for censorship, but couldn’t they just say “Junk in a Box”? It’s better than no box at all, am I right? The Emmy people can’t possibly want Samberg and Timberlake to censor more than that, otherwise you’d take away from the very essence, the very “boxiness,” of the song. Whether you’re religious, spiritual, or whatever, I ask you, dear readers, to pray to your deity/non-deity/animal of choice that this song will be performed on Emmy night. If not, I will walk around New York with a box taped to my crotch until Christmas.

Picture note by JayBird:

Here’s Andy Samberg with Maya Rudolph at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. Images thanks to PR Photos.

So there’s this awards show called the Creative Arts Emmys. It has categories like “Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation,” “Outstanding Costumes for a Variety/Music Program,” and “Outstanding Special Class Program” where they nominate other awards shows. Think of them as the Junior Emmys. I believe the show is held in a high school gymnasium’s empty swimming pool, or something close to that. They generally didn’t get a lot of publicity, until E! came around and had hours and hours of time available to devote to otherwise passed-over content. Hence the Creative Arts Emmys are now shown on TV a week after they actually take place. I have no idea why. Comedian Kathy Griffin won an award for “Outstanding Reality Program” for her show, “My Life on the D-List.” I haven’t seen the show and couldn’t give a flip about Kathy Griffin, but she gave an acceptance speech that really riled some people.

“‘Mel Gibson. Michael Richards. Isaiah Washington. Imus. Jerry Lewis. Every time a celebrity offends a segment of the population, he pays a price, in one way or another,’ said [Catholic League president Bill] Donohue in a Monday statement. ‘The question now is whether Kathy Griffin will pay a similar price for her outburst. And as we have learned, her verbal assault was calculated.’

“‘I guess hell froze over,’ Griffin told a receptive audience as she accepted her Emmy statuette. ‘A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this. He had nothing to do with this… suck it Jesus, this award is my God now.’

Donohue described Griffin’s remarks as a ‘kind of vulgar in-your-face brand of hate speech’ coming from a self-described ‘complete militant atheist,’ and pleaded with The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences’ chairman and CEO Dick Askin to help in condemning what she said.

“‘Kathy Griffin’s offensive remarks will not be part of the E! telecast on Saturday night,’ the Academy said in a Monday statement, according to The AP.

[From Reality TV World]

It’s pretty clear to me that Kathy Griffin wasn’t mocking Christianity, she was just mocking how important awards are to Hollywood, by joking (in a cutting manner… but hey, humor beyond formulaic jokes can be cutting) that her award is now her God. It doesn’t seem that she was mocking Jesus; she was mocking herself by acting like an award mattered more than anything else in the world. She could also be mocking the way so many celebrities suddenly thank God when they get an award, but never acknowledge religion at any other time. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but I really don’t think this was that offensive. Think of all the Jesus/nun/pope joke toys out there.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Kathy performing at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Florida three weeks ago. Header image of Kathy at the 59th Annual Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Awards this past Saturday. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Nothing seems to be going right for Britney Spears anymore, though that’s pretty much her own doing. It seems the soon-to-be-former singer had a pretty hectic schedule in the days prior to her VMA performance, despite being told by MTV to lay low, not to party, to get her rest, and to practice, practice, practice! Page Six has some interesting information today about what went on behind the scenes before Britney’s shiteous performance.

“Britney Spears has no one to blame but herself for her disastrous performance at the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night. The lip-synching pop tart showed up for her big comeback late, unprepared and with a drink in her hand.

“On Saturday, the day before the VMAs, Spears was scheduled to arrive at rehearsal at around 1 p.m. Our spy said, ‘She didn’t even get to Las Vegas until 4:30 p.m. It was ridiculous . . . The production people at MTV were freaking out . . . Nobody can tell Britney what to do anymore. No one can control her. She is a mess.’ To make matters worse, when she arrived in Vegas, Spears didn’t go straight to rehearsals. ‘She went to her hotel room and ordered a bunch of food and some frozen margaritas,’ the spy said. ‘She came down, like, an hour later with a frozen margarita in her hand.’

“‘The dance number was spectacular - without her,’ said our spy at rehearsal. ‘When the stand-in was rehearsing with the dancers, in the hours they were all waiting for her, it was amazing. Then Britney showed up and refused to do anything. The dancers were supposed to lift and twirl her in the air a few times, and that just wasn’t going to happen. The more complicated dance moves had to be erased because she couldn’t do them.’

“Meanwhile, Spears was agitated because she didn’t like the outfit MTV had selected for her. ‘MTV wanted her to wear a corset outfit. It would have looked great and covered a lot of things up, but she hated it and didn’t think it was sexy enough.’ Instead, Spears changed into a spangly bra-and-underwear outfit she’d brought with her that emphasized her weight gain over the last year.”

[From Page Six]

While I think it’s totally unnecessary to insult Britney’s physique (she still looks better than most of the general population) – you do have to highlight your assets and do your best to minimize your problem areas. That’s true for every performer. Britney knows what she used to look like, and according to reports of things she said when she was heavier a few months ago, she’s well aware that she doesn’t look like 16-year-old Britney anymore. So what is with her delusional critique that outfits aren’t “sexy enough.” We heard this same complaint from Brit at her disastrous “OK” photo shoot when they wanted to dress her in Gucci and Chanel – the outfits weren’t sexy enough. The girl is seriously confusing the words “sexy” and “slutty.”

If you were wondering why Brit’s hair looked so terrible, we’ve got an interesting story behind that. According to E! News, Britney got into a fight with her hairstylist right before her performance. The stylist was so pissed that she cut all of Brit’s extensions before she stormed off. That’s my new fantasy.

“Just when you thought Britney Spears’ hair situation couldn’t get any worse after her disastrous head shaving, I hear things got just as ugly right before her MTV VMAs performance yesterday. An insider tells me that shortly before Spears was to go onstage at the Palms Hotel & Casino’s Pearl Theater, she had some sort of disagreement with her hairstylist.

“And, I’m told, said hair guru quit on the spot. But before leaving, my source reports, the disgruntled stylist cut up all of the extensions Spears was planning on wearing for her big number. Meanwhile, I also hear that Britney, at one point during the days leading up to the awards, threw a fit because her name wasn’t on the marquee at the Palms. She calmed down once it was added.”

[From E! News]

So that explains why Brit’s hair looked so weird and uneven. I didn’t notice it during the original viewing of her performance… as it was hard to think about anything but the disaster unfolding before my eyes. But going back, you can see that her hair and her extensions are two distinctly different shades of blond, and it makes her look like a messed up My Little Pony. I’m a natural blond so I know that light hair can look darker on top, but it doesn’t look like that. That is the look of an angry stylist.

Update: “Entertainment Tonight” just reported that the hairstylist in question was Jessica Simpson’s BFF, Ken Paves.

“‘Celebrity stylist Ken Paves, who traveled to Las Vegas for VMA weekend to do Britney Spears’ hair, is speaking out.

“After Britney’s underwhelming VMA performance, reports surfaced that she had canceled her stylist before going onstage.

“A rep for Ken tells ET: ‘Ken Paves did go to Las Vegas to work with Britney Spears; however, once there he made the professional decision not to do her hair for the VMAs.’”

[From Entertainment Tonight]

Kanye West is always there with a kind word and a hand on your shoulder. Or to publicly bitch and moan and throw a conniption fit. For such an incredibly boring show, the VMAs managed to produce a good bit of drama this year, at least backstage. Not like the old school VMAs, where some random member of Rage Against the Machine would jump on stage, hurling his body to inexplicable heights before finally resting on some bizarre/artsy looking piece of the set. Yeah we all know he was probably paid by MTV to do it to liven up an otherwise dull show, but at least he did it. This year the biggest thing on stage was Britney’s lack of anything good. Yeah it was embarrassing and she should go dig a hole at the bottom of the ocean and stay there, but she didn’t collapse and she kept her clothes on – so in my book, she could have at least failed in a more spectacular fashion. The really good drama was behind the scenes. Tommy Lee and Kid Rock getting into a fight over their mutual love toy, Pam Anderson. Ashanti could only laugh hysterically when a reporter asked her what she thought of Britney’s performance. But of course the best drama, and biggest pouting, came from Kanye West. Famous for his “Jesus Walks” song, Kanye has an ego that’s kind of embarrassing. Jesus wants you to chill, Kanye.

“Kanye West, a virtual shut out at the Video Music Awards on Sunday night, threw a hissy fit in front of cameras and crew backstage as the MTV show was coming to an end. While waiting for a an elevator, West, 29, began yelling about losing all five categories for which he was nominated, including male artist of the year.

“‘That’s two years in a row, man … give a black man a chance,’ said West, barking his misery at the nearby reporters. ‘I’m trying hard man, I have the … No. 1 record, man.’ This outburst followed Kanye’s withering commentary on Britney Spears, who he criticized for not having any relevant recent hits.

[From Monsters & Critics]

Last year Kanye freaked out at the MTV Europe awards, when his video for “Touch the Sky” didn’t win. Kanye bum rushed the stage, grabbing the microphone from the winners and unleashed an expletive-laced tirade. He said, “‘Best video should have been mine. I should have won. It cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons! If I don’t win, the awards show loses credibility.’” Way to keep your ego in check dude. Um, also, if Kanye West doesn’t win, little children will cry and have to eat Spam. If Kanye West doesn’t win, wars will break out in peaceful mountain villages. If Kanye West doesn’t win, happiness will no longer be an emotion that humans are capable of feeling. If Kanye West doesn’t win, the universe will implode!

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Kanye at the 2007 GQ Magazine Men of the Year Awards on September 4th. Image thanks to PR Photos. Header image of Kanye yesterday at the VMAs in Las Vegas. Image thanks to Splash Photos.

Well, her much-hyped “comeback” was once again a massive failure. Like most of Britney Spears’ other comebacks of late, she underperformed and horribly embarrassed herself. Britney opened the VMAs with what was supposed to be an impressive, magic-laced performance of her new single, “Gimme More.” She left the audience thinking the same thing. Spears wandered around the stage aimlessly with a bleary, drugged out expression on her face. Instead of dancing, she swayed her hips randomly and let a dancer grab her a few times. She half-heartedly shook her hips and did a couple body rolls, and at a few points it looked like she might stumble, but she managed to right herself. And that was about it. She’d completely forgotten how to lip-sync… hello, don’t you have a hairbrush and a mirror to practice with like the rest of us?

“Somewhere, Kevin Federline is laughing.

“An out-of-shape, out-of-touch Britney Spears delivered what was destined to be the most talked about performance of the MTV Video Music Awards - but for all the wrong reasons. Kicking off the show Sunday night with her new single, “Gimme More,” Spears looked bleary and unprepared - much like her recent tabloid exploits on the streets of Los Angeles.

“She lazily walked through her dance moves with little enthusiasm. It appeared she had forgotten the entire art of lip-synching; and, perhaps most unforgivable given her once taut frame, she looked embarrassingly out of shape.

“Even the celebrity-studded audience seemed bewildered. 50 Cent looked at Spears with a confused expression; Diddy, her new best friend, was expressionless.

“Some comeback.”

[From the Associated Press]

It’s clear that Britney’s days of super-athletic routines are far behind her. Though she’s always lip-synced in concert, most people forgave that, since there’s no way someone could dance the way she did and sing. But most of us could stumble around confused without a problem. I don’t think she looked bad in terms of her physique, but she’s clearly forgotten how to dance and how to perform. So essentially, she’s forgotten how to have a career. Either she was incredibly tired or she was on something… my guess is both. According to 24/Sizzler, Britney partied until 6 a.m. the night before the Video Music Awards.

“Britney Spears, donning a fedora hat and blonde extensions arrived at Tao for a Samsung Gleam bash around 1 a.m. Sunday morning with her partying partner-in-crime Diddy…The duo partied in the club’s VIP area and danced to Britney’s new single ‘Gimme More’…Former rehab inpatient Britney drank Grey Goose vodka and sugar-free Red Bull, while Diddy downed Patron…

“On Saturday, Britney sidekick Alli Sims arrived at the Tao Hospitality suite – sans Britney – but with two other friends…’Alli claimed that Britney was so tired from the night before partying until 6 a.m. that she wanted Alli to pull “fun” swag from the suite,’ tattles a 24Sizzler.com eyewitness. Alli grabbed Britney product from Disney Couture, Treesje Handbags, Luxottica sunglasses but kept the Oceanaut watch for herself.’”

[From 24/Sizzler]

It’s not like a lot of people were pulling for Britney anymore, but I naively thought that if MTV was going to let her open the VMAs, she must have a good performance ready. The VMAs have lost a lot of viewers the last few years, and MTV has been trying to revive the awards show. But apparently they were willing to take a risk on an old commodity, and it definitely didn’t pan out. Sarah Silverman caustically summed up Brit’s performance “Was that incredible? Britney Spears, everyone. Wow. She is amazing. She is 25-years-old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind blowing.” Watching Britney limp around on stage was sort of sad, but it doesn’t make me pull for her. It just makes me hope she goes back into rehab – or wherever she needs to be – stays away from the spotlight, and gets her life together. Then, when she can actually do a great job, she should work on a comeback.

Note by Celebitchy: Here’s the video thanks to Britney.cl

Pictures via Britney.cl and JJB.