I saw this yesterday, but I kind of thought it was a “meh” story. I mean, who amongst us thought that Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger was the kind of woman who wouldn’t shank a bitch over a v-neck? Anyway, TMZ got their hands on a very poor-quality recording of Patti reading the riot act to her poor stylist. I think the whole thing is about how the stylist – Lauren Solomon – didn’t “bring it” for Patti’s photo shoot for Elle Magazine’s September issue, or an appearance on with an Elle editor. Or something. I can’t find any copy of the audio that we can embed, but if you want to hear Patti’s spectacular sh-t fit, go to TMZ. Here are some of the highlights:

Patti: “Get your f-cking feelings out of this f-cking room or you’re never going to be a stylist. This is your moment of me saying your name on the air. Nobody has ever done that for you.”

Patti: “Why would you have me in f-cking random clothes? This is Elle f-cking magazine! This is the big one! You want to fatten me up,” the reality star allegedly yelled.

Patti: “I want you to understand what you did wrong! Count the f-cking measurement to my f-cking knee! You have to learn these techniques. I can’t do this for you. It’s like when I’m matchmaking somebody – I know exactly what they want!…I don’t wear V-necks because of my boobs!”

I mean… yes, Patti should keep her temper in check, but since I watch The Millionaire Matchmaker, I’ve already seen Patti lose her sh-t before, and I have to say, she usually loses it with good reason. Even though I think her tone is disrespectful, unprofessional and rude, I think her point probably still stands: her stylist wasn’t doing her job, and Patti was pissed. People are already calling this “Christian Bale-esque” (NSFW audio here) but I’m not really seeing it. Patti wasn’t threatening her stylist with bodily harm. Patti was just bitching a woman out for not doing her job correctly.

Also – I want to know what “I don’t wear V-necks because of my boobs” is all about. Patti has great boobs, and as a fellow boobtastic girl, I have to say, I prefer V-necks to crewnecks, even if that means some cleavage. I think V-necks compliment my face more.

Header: Patti on April 13, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Previously, I’ve never had that strong an opinion of Taylor Lautner. At times, I’ve read interviews with him where he sounded like a really nice, down-to-earth kid. Other times, I just thought to myself “Gay, but doesn’t know it yet.” There’s nothing wrong with the kid beeping on my gaydar – but it’s interesting that Lautner, Inc. (with the help of Hollywood) is trying to bill him as the wholesome heartthrob next door, the perfect boy for young girls to bring home to their parents. But Taylor might have a big issue – he just MIGHT be a diva bitch. Maybe. According to TMZ, Taylor is suing a company that makes those fancy, tricked-out trailers for movie stars to use while they’re on a film set. Taylor had his fancy trailer ordered, and this company didn’t deliver on time. So Taylor is suing for “emotional distress” and “annoyance”.

Taylor Lautner claims he’s suffering from “emotional distress” and “annoyance” … because his RV trailer wasn’t delivered on time.

In a new lawsuit obtained by TMZ, Lautner claims he made a deal with McMahon’s RV to purchase a personal trailer for around $300,000 … a trailer he could use while shooting his new movie, “Abduction.”

According to the suit, the deal was that the trailer would be tricked out and delivered by no later than June 21 … but it wasn’t.

Lautner claims breach of contract and fraud and wants unspecified damages.

[From TMZ]

Apparently, the lawsuit is for $7 million…? Maybe. Eh. That’s how I feel about this. Sure, it was breach of contract and I get that Taylor has the “right” to sue. But does he have to sound like such a big f-cking baby? Maybe he’s just acting out to get attention. Maybe he wants Robert Pattinson to roughly man-handle him again. That will make the emotional distress go away.

Maybe I’m the kind of bitch who will use any excuse to post photos of Janice Dickinson. Her face is… tragic. And it’s not just the bad, cheap plastic surgery – she just looks like a woman who doesn’t take care of herself. Plus, her attitude is horrible. Perhaps she has what Lainey at LaineyGossip describes as KarmaFace. Anyway, Janice has just given an interview to Life & Style about her hatred for Lady Gaga. Janice’s reasoning? Lady Gaga talked about doing cocaine occasionally, and Janice is important enough to pontificate about this subject (that was discussed a month ago):

After Lady Gaga admitted to being an “occasional” drug user in the September issue of Vanity Fair, it wasn’t long before other stars began speaking out against the pop star.

Janice Dickinson, who is currently taping Celebrity Rehab, exclusively tells Life & Style: “Lady Gaga is a f—ing idiot.” The former model goes on to condemn Gaga’s actions, saying, “The way she mentioned cocaine, I think she should really get spanked!”

Moreover, Janice is shocked that Lady Gaga would make such comments when she has such a young fan base. “You can damage and hurt kids,” Janice says. “I’m appalled.”

And it’s not just Gaga’s drug habits that Janice doesn’t like: she’s not a fan of her music either! “Her music is like elevator music, as far as I’m concerned,” Janice tells Life & Style. “All the gays are looking for something new. She’s history!”

[From Life & Style]

Like elevator music? I think Janice has an elevator face, and I’m not even sure what that means. Okay, about the actual argument Janice is making (having just completed Celebrity Rehab): celebrities should never admit to doing drugs because those admissions can “damage and hurt kids”? I think Gaga’s story about her pre-fame downward spiral and subsequent drug-free existence works as a pretty decent anti-drug message, actually. And wasn’t Janice one of the biggest cokeheads in the 1980s? And isn’t she still battling addictions? I guess that doesn’t count because she doesn’t have a young fanbase? Or any fanbase, really.

I know some people don’t like talking about the Kardashians in any way, shape or form, but they’ve grown on me, and they’re some of the easiest “celebrities” to cover. Plus, they constantly appear on the covers of the tabloids, and their drama is always neatly contained in very precise famewhore stories. Take this one, from In Touch Weekly’s cover story this week. Apparently, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are “at war” over weight. Specifically, Kourtney has lost her “baby weight” while Kim still has the gigantic booty, and now “old insecurities” are playing out amongst the Kardashian Klan:

Not long ago, Kim Kardashian was world-famous for her sexy curves, while her pregnant sister Kourtney was stuck in the role of second banana. But eight months have made a world of difference for the ultra-competitive Kardashian sisters. After working hard to lose her baby weight, Kourtney has her slim body back, reawakening Kim’s old insecurities. And now, the two sisters are more competitive than ever.

“They are always looking at each other’s body and picking it apart,” says an insider, adding that in the past, Kourtney was always the “skinniest sister,” and now that she is once again, she’s making sure Kim knows. “She always makes fun of Kim’s ‘lumps,’ meaning her cellulite,” the insider reveals.

According to a Kardashian confidante, it’s a battle that’s been raging between the two women since childhood. With Khloé, 26, considerably younger and always a bit bigger than her two sisters, Kourtney and Kim engaged in fierce competition as teenagers over who had the hottest, slimmest body — and who got the most attention from boys. Of course, now it isn’t just dates the girls are fighting over — it’s money, fame and airtime.

Although Kim used to be far and away the most famous Kardashian sister, she’s seen Kourtney get more attention over her new baby and her tumultuous relationship with her boyfriend, Scott Disick. And now that’s she’s lost the baby weight, Kourtney seems to be taking Kim’s place as the hottest star of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. “Kim isn’t about to give up her throne without a fight,” says another family friend. Dressing up, hitting clubs — and working hard to slim down — Kim is determined to take back the lead role in her famous family.

[From In Touch Weekly]

God, Kourtney sounds like such a bitch. I always think that about her – although, to be fair, all of the Kardashian women seem like major tools. But Kourtney specifically. Anyway, do I really need to defend Kim? She has a different body type then Kourtney. Kim is what we in the South refer to as “thick”. Nothing wrong with that, and she can work out every day for hours and hours and she’s still going to have a big, thick booty.

One last thing about Khloe Kardashian – yesterday, Radar reported that Khloe was in a “jealous rage” over Lamar’s flirtatious behavior with other women, and that Khloe had stormed out of a restaurant. Khloe corrected the record: “Sorry to disappoint everyone, but Lamar and I aren’t big fighters. Come to think of it, that was actually a really fun night out with all of our closest friends…lots of dancing, drinks and our usual silliness. Stories like these don’t really bother me too much anymore.” Oh, did you realize that Khloe and Lamar’s one-year anniversary is next month? Day-um, I didn’t think it would last this long.

Elle Macpherson is getting slammed by international animal-rights groups for a recent interview she gave to the Times Online. She was asked about her interest in Chinese medicine, and she described the taste and effect of powdered/crushed rhino horn. Rhinos are on the verge of extinction, mind you – mainly because they are being poached for their horns, which are extremely valuable in Asia and to select, ignorant rich bitches:

Witter: You’re said to be a great fan of Chinese medicine. What does powdered rhino horn taste like?
E MacP: A little bit like crushed bone and fungus in a capsule. Does the job though.

Witter: How do you know that it works? A lot of people say Chinese medicine is quackery.
E MacP: Put it this way, works for me.

Witter: Did you find your nickname “The Body” offensive? Sexist?
E MacP: Brilliant name. I trademarked it and built a business out of it. What part of that is sexist?

Witter: What’s the secret of running a successful business?
E MacP: I reckon the secret is passion. We’ve become a global brand, 300 doors in 11 countries during a recession.

Witter: Are you tired of the press? Is it anyone’s business whether you wear a cycling helmet?
E MacP: I’m sure I’ll be slammed again this summer for riding my bike around Notting Hill with a child perched on the handlebars.

Witter: We’ve also been treated to pictures of your cellulite.
E MacP: Thank you! What cellulite?

Witter: What would you have done for a living if you’d been born plug-ugly?
E MacP: Probably just the same thing. Right, little boy waiting at school gate without Mummy. Not a good look.

[From The Times Online]

The envirnomentalist site Mongabay details what’s wrong with thinking that Elle’s “it works for me” attitude is deluded and nasty. On the site, they also include a graphic, disturbing photo of a rhino slowly dying after his horn has been cut off (WARNING – photo here).

The consumption of rhino horn, which financially underpins illegal poaching, is both the historic and current driver behind rhino decline worldwide, and in the cases of four subspecies: complete extinction.

As well, currently four of the world’s five rhino species are threatened with extinction, three of these species are considered Critically Endangered. There are less than 50 adult Java rhinos in the world and less than 250 adult Sumatran rhinos.

Poaching hit a 15-year-high last year to keep up with demand for rhino horn. Poachers usually shoot or tranquilize the animal before sawing off its horn. Rhinos often die from bleeding to death.

However poaching doesn’t only impact rhinos, rangers who protect them are sometimes in the line of fire: last month a ranger in India was kidnapped by a group of poachers and murdered with two bullets in his stomach.

Powdered rhino horn, such as Elle MacPherson uses, is not cheap: last year one kilo was worth approximately $60,000, nearly $20,000 more than a kilo of gold.

While there have been discussions of legalizing the trade in order to draw down the price of rhino horn and use the proceeds for conservation, for now the sale or purchase of rhino horn products is banned worldwide by the Convention on Trade in Endangered Species (CITES).

[From Mongabay]

So basically, Elle probably takes it because it’s expensive and she thinks it’s awesome to kill off an endangered species so she won’t have laugh lines. I guess she never heard of face cream? Seriously, why? Why go out of your way to buy crushed rhino horn powder to increase your health?

Elle on June 30, 2010. Credit: WENN.

On Monday, CB covered Chris Brown’s epic self-aborbed tearfest on the BET Awards on Sunday. Chris performed a dance tribute to Michael Jackson, then attempted to sing a cover of “Man In the Mirror”. As he was singing, Chris seemed to have some kind of breakdown, doing some overly-dramatic histrionics that many didn’t buy. I mean, we could buy that Chris was weeping because his own career was in the toilet, but crying about Michael Jackson? Be a professional, dude. You were hired for this big gig to pay tribute to a man, and you can’t even get through it without making it about you? Anyway, Us Weekly got some behind-the-scenes witnesses to say that they saw Chris put tear drops in his eyes before his performance.

Crocodile tears? Chris Brown caused a lot of chatter at the BET Awards Sunday when he broke down in tears during a Michael Jackson tribute.

An insider tells UsMagazine.com the crying was fake.

Before he took the stage to belt out “Man in the Mirror,” a backstage source tells Us one of Brown’s bodyguards gave the singer, 21, tear-inducing eye drops.

Brown’s rep denies it, telling Us that Brown simply “was moved by the opportunity to pay tribute to his idol.” But the witness says Brown definitely used drops.

Says the source, “He rubbed it in and he started crying.”

[From Us Weekly]

Sure, I’ll buy that, although it seemed like Chris started crying when he was into the song, not when he came out. But I’ll buy anything negative about Chris. The kid’s a douche, and I could see how it work in his mind: “I’m gonna put this tear drops in my eyes, everyone will think I’m so emotional, and then they’ll love me again.” Wrong again, d-ckhead.

Most of the videos of Chris Brown’s tears have been taken down, but this CBS clip has a little bit of it:

These are some new photos of Jude Law and Sienna Miller in London last night. Sienna’s shorts look… strange, right? I’m sure they’re comfortable, but I’m thinking they look like pleated velour? And she can’t even see through her fringe – and she looks totally sh-tfaced. Damn, bitch needs to get it together. Anyway, over the past few weeks, the British tabloids have been terribly excited at the prospect of a good old fashioned catfight between Jude Law’s former wife and his current girlfriend. It all started when Jude and Sienna Miller took his and Sadie Frost’s three kids on holiday. Sienna took either Iris or Rudy to get her or his haircut, and Sadie got royally pissed off at Sienna, and tweeted something about “I think ya should get ya own child and then cut their hair!” After that, a Cold War started brewing between Sadie and Sienna, and rumor was that Sadie had “banned” Sienna from any activities with the kids. Now The Daily Mail is reporting that Sienna was the one to broach détente:

Actress Sienna Miller has set up clear-the-air talks with Sadie Frost.

The star, who was seen at Glastonbury yesterday, is keen to make amends with her boyfriend Jude Law’s ex-wife following a bust-up over Jude, 37, and Sadie’s children.

When Sienna, 28, took their daughter Iris to the hairdressers for a style overhaul, Sadie, 45, Tweeted: ‘I think ya should get ya own child and then cut their hair!’

‘Sienna doesn’t want any animosity, so she’s organised lunch with Sadie and is open to any rules laid down about the kids,’ I’m told. ‘They will meet up within the next week or so.’

[From The Daily Mail]

There are other theories floating around that Sadie is just pissed because Sienna and Jude are planning a wedding, and Sadie is… jealous, I guess. In fact, almost all of the British sources are in agreement about how Jude and Sienna are planning to get married in a “low key” ceremony in France this summer. According to Marie Claire UK, they want to do it in a small town in the Loire Valley, and Sienna really wants Jude’s kids to be in the wedding – not the baby, that he had with Samantha Burke, of course. Do you think they’ll finally go through with it? I’m giving it a 50-50 chance. I could see them doing it quietly this summer, but I could also see one or both of them screwing it up again. Both have self-destructive tendencies, so anything goes.

Jude and Sienna on June 28, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Since I don’t follow sports and sports entourages at all, I only know who Vanessa Bryant is because of Kobe Bryant’s sexual assault case of 2003, where Kobe was accused of assaulting a 19-year-old hotel employee, and Kobe came out with Vanessa and claimed it wasn’t assault, he just cheated on his wife. Kobe later gave Vanessa a gigantic, $4 million purple diamond ring for sticking by him, et cetera. Anyway, Vanessa has been a Laker wife for a long time – they’ve been married since April 2001 (they met in 1999, when Vanessa was 17 years old). I guess Vanessa has become like the grand dame, or the Marie Antoinette, of Laker wives. Vanessa says who is worthy and who is not amongst the players wives and girlfriends. And Vanessa has declared that Khloe Kardashian is unworthy.

Khloé Kardashian is feeling unloved — not because of her husband, Lamar Odom, but because of one of his Lakers teammates’ wives.

According to an insider, Kobe Bryant’s wife, Vanessa, “hates” Khloé and her entire family, whom she sees as attention-grabbing fame-seekers. And instead of hiding her feelings, Vanessa refuses to have anything to do with the 26-year-old.

“She won’t sit anywhere near Khloé at Lakers games,” the insider reveals, adding that because of Vanessa’s dislike of her, Khloé has been shut out of the tight-knit circle the other Lakers’ wives have formed.

“At a dinner for the wives, Vanessa didn’t want to invite Khloé,” the insider shares. “She said Khloé is a ‘fake wife,’ and she didn’t want fake wives there.”

The feeling is mutual. The insider says Khloé and Vanessa have “gotten into fights” in the past. And at the Lakers’ NBA Finals game on June 17, Khloé brought Lamar’s two children, as well as her mom, Kris, and siblings Kim, Rob, Kendall and Kylie — and they all stayed far away from Vanessa.

[From In Touch Weekly]

Yes, I barely care. But it seems like this is some Seinfeld-Lady Gaga bullsh-t of one jackass calling the other jackass a donkey or whatever. Vanessa sounds like an a–hole, and we already know that Khloe is an a–hole too, but she’s also “America’s A–hole” you know? Nobody puts Khloe in the corner. Mainly because she won’t fit. I’m also wondering if there isn’t more to this? Maybe there’s some hidden backstory that would make this make sense/make me care. Like maybe Khloe f-cked Kobe? Or maybe Kobe has a thing for Armenian girls and Vanessa is pissed? Who knows?

Oh, but Kobe and Vanessa did go to Lamar and Khloe’s wedding. Here’s the photographic proof:

For two weekends in a row, Lady Gaga went to a baseball game in New York and made an ass out of herself. The first time, she allegedly showed up drunk at Shea Stadium, then proceeded to get even more bombed as people started coming up to her and talking to her. Security was concerned, so they moved her to a private box – which happened to be owned by Jerry Seinfeld. Then last weekend, Gaga arrived again, in her bra and panties and got bombed again in a private box, then broke into the locker room and began feeling up her Gaga tittays. She was very nearly banned – but I don’t think she was in the end. Anyway, somebody decided to get Jerry Seinfeld’s take on the situation – and let’s just say he’s not a fan.

Twelve days after Lady Gaga wound up in his box at Shea Stadium during a Mets game, Jerry Seinfeld has called her “a jerk” and then some. Joking or no? Read and decide.

“This woman is a jerk. I hate her,” Seinfeld said during a WFAN radio interview on Monday, perhaps . “I can’t believe they put her in my box, which I paid for.”

Gaga, dressed in bra and swilling beer, was moved from her front row seat to Seinfeld’s empty box (without his knowledge) after flipping off photographers.

“You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we’re living in now?” he said.

Seinfeld first said when asked about the June 10th incident, reports the NY Post, “I wish her the best.. you take one ‘A’ off of that and you’ve got gag.”

“I don’t know what these young people think or how they promote their careers,” Seinfeld said. “I’m older, I’m 56. I look at Lady Gaga the way Keith Hernandez watches these kids when they pull the pocket out, they wear the inside-out pocket. … Do you think he understands that? He can’t understand that. That’s a new game, that’s kids.”

He added, “I’m not one of these all-publicity-is-good people. People talk about you need exposure — you could die of exposure.”

The Mets game in question was eight days before the Yankees episode that landed her on the cover of Sunday’s New York Post.

[From HuffPo]

On one side, I get Seinfeld’s point – after all, it was his box, he paid for it, and even though he wasn’t using it doesn’t mean he wants Gaga’s germs in there. And Gaga was acting like an a–hole, which Jerry and everyone else has the right to call her out on. On the other side, when Jerry Seinfeld talks like this, he sounds like a f-cking has-been. And he’s not really – he’s just so f-cking rich, he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He’s disconnected, he’s crotchety, and there’s also a dash of hypocrisy in the mix. He’s giving a lecture on the art of publicity and how the game has changed, when all he had to do to help out his plagiarist wife was buy Oprah a hundred pair of shoes and suddenly Jessica Seinfeld is the most unique writer in the world to middle America. So, Jessica Seinfeld gets to f-ck and buy her way to literary stardom, while Gaga is dismissed for working her way up from the bottom on talent, ingenuity and an other-worldly gift for PR stunts? Bullsh-t.

Lady Gaga on June 18, 2010. Credit: Fame. Header: Seinfeld on April 20, 2010. Credit: Fame.

So I actually watched the big USA v. England soccer/football FIFA pre-match game yesterday, and I enjoyed it immensely. America scored a point goal (Jesus, touchy football fans)! Woohoo! England scored a point goal too, early in the game (I believe it was minute four), and the game ended up being a tie, 1-1. But considering everyone expected the American team to get their Yankee asses handed to them, a tie is almost as good as winning. And now I have a crush on goalie Tim Howard (above), who is pretty hot when he’s angry.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that when the American team finally scored their point goal, it was because of “luck” (according to the British commentator on ABC, who Gawker describes as “butthurt”), or because the British goalie, Robert Green, fumbled and missed an easy block, and the ball sort-of sauntered through the goalposts. The ABC cameramen got an excellent shot of the ball, and of Green’s sadface. But then some genius cut to David Beckham, sidelined because of injury, making the most excellent bitchface EVER. Here’s video of the long cut:

Ha! Of course there’s this too:

Anyway, there are now rumors that Green is going to be dropped because of his fumble, which is kind of sad. I mean, yes, he screwed up, but you can bet he’s never going to make that mistake again. As for our glorious American team (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!), we don’t play again until Friday! Let’s check in with Beckham again: