Someone made this story up during this slow holiday news week, especially considering the source is a crappier British rag, but it’s worth repeating. There’s a rumor that Paris Hilton is going to get married before Christmas and that Britney is going to be her best girl. This is BS because Paris and Britney aren’t even friends anymore, and Paris was only wearing that giant fake engagement ring for publicity, but whatever:

BRITNEY Spears is to walk up the aisle again.
But don’t panic, the wayward soon-to-be double divorcée isn’t trying to give Liz Taylor a run for her money, she’s simply going to be Paris Hilton’s bridesmaid.

And yes, you did read that correctly, 25-year-old Hilton is going to become an honest woman – it’s Christmas, miracles happen – after agreeing to marry her fella.

The lucky chap is on/off boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, 21, and his fortune as the heir to a shipping dynasty should make for a good bash – although his family aren’t keen.

Hilton finally coughed about her wedding plans at the Smashbox Cosmetics Holiday in West Hollywood where she was paying homage to the Avengers’ Emma Peel.

Paris, left, who has been spotted with a sparkler bigger than the rock of Gibraltar on her engagement finger said: “It’s true, I am going to get married.

“I want a fairytale wedding and Britney’s going to be my matron of honour. She can advise me…”

However Paris, ever the savvy lady, isn’t likely to follow Britney down the yellow brick road of stupidity. There was no way that she was going to marry a loser.

Not only is Stavros a good looking boy, Ms Hilton often carries a picture of his comely visage in a locket around her neck (if it goes with her outfit, obviously).

But he’s also incredibly wadded and providing his Orthodox Greek family don’t disinherit him over his union with the racy yank, Paris could be the new Jackie Onassis.

A mole told us: “There’s no date set but she’s adamant she’d want a wedding in Los Angeles and also a big celebration over in Greece.

Britney, also 25, who was at the Smashbox bash with her mate, didn’t comment.

Stavros’ parents won’t even meet Paris, and they are said to be in consensus with the rest of us by considering her trash. This is fake news, but it would make for a fun gossip holiday if it were true.

Poor Britney has no continuity in her life apart from late nights and public foibles. She recently dumped Paris as her new BFF, or maybe Paris did the dumping after Britney failed to learn the art of subtle vag exposure. Page Six reported that their friendship is over, and it seems to be true as they haven’t been photographed together in some time.

Britney was photographed earlier in the week making out with music producer JR Rotem who quickly made the rounds of Hollywood hotspots like Hyde (where he was denied) and high profile lunch spot The Ivy. He hasn’t been seen out with Britney again since, but he may be playing it cool and waiting to see her until a week or so passes. Everyone rolls their eyes when they see Rotem’s picture or check out his myspace because he looks like a complete wannabe.

Despite looking like a tool, Rotem is actually quite accomplished. I looked him up back when people were confusing him with the then-unknown manny Perry, and he really is as successful as he tries to make it seem. He produced hit tracks for Rihanna, Snoop Dogg, and 50 Cent, and has a great reputation in the business.

Having earned enough success to make posing unnecessary and kind of self-defeating, Rotem does it anyway. He went to Koi last night with young blondes Ashley Tisdale and Hayden Panettiere and was quick to tell waiting paparazzi about their upcoming albums.

K-Fed knows about Britney’s new relationship with Rotem as he promptly removed him from his top 20 friends on myspace once the news broke.

Britney is still partying up a storm. She was seen out in a see-through top and ripped little skirt with crap spilled on it this week. Her hair looks better after she dyed her extensions back to a caramel blonde color.

Britney went to a burlesque club on Wednesday night. She’s wearing underwear again but couldn’t stand all the clothing and had to take off a weird half-shirt with feathers she was wearing to sit around in her bra. Maybe her shirt was itchy, just like her pants that first time she hung out with Paris in Vegas.

Last night she couldn’t even start her car after hitting the clubs.

Well, if she does get back with Rotem it seems like they’re well suited for each other. They both have a lot of success at a young age and seem lack the practical sense to carry it off with any kind of dignity.

Here’s Britney out on Wednesday night. Pictures from Breathe Heavy.

Maybe a Paris Hilton myspace impersonator blogged on myspace about Britney’s “partying ethics,” but her hardworking spindoctor Elliott Mintz gets it only half right when he says that she didn’t write that message urging us to go easy on the single mom. He says she’s not on myspace, but considering all the evidence we found to the contrary, that’s just not true.

News reports from several “reputable” sources have been reporting that Paris Hilton was using her MySpace blog to defend Britney Spears. In the fake blog, the “heiress” states that Brit is a great mom who is always there for her children, and that Britney’s partying is just the normal behavior for a 25-year-old.

While these are thoughts that could possibly be in Hilton’s head, only Miss Hilton knows for sure. TMZ contacted Paris’ rep, Elliot Mintz, who revealed that “Paris did not write it. She does not have a MySpace account.”

That may not be Paris’ myspace that issued the message urging us to go easy on Brit, but a different myspace personality that we presumed to be Paris said that Elliot tried to ground her from the popular online community once news got out how easy it was to hack. We were hacking into myspace at that point to read her comments. Here’s what she said in a comment on Hillary Duff’s supposed myspace on October 17th when news got out about the hack:

lmao elliot is screaming at me lmao hie MADDDDD BADDDDD and UGLYYYY lmao

Someone we assumed to be Paris also commented on Nicole Richie’s supposed myspace and was using the name “Grounded even longer now.No phone forever or comp.” at the time.

We make no claims that these myspace comments are authentic, but they look real to us. Here is a screenshot of the comments mentioned. I saved caches of almost all the supposed celebrity myspace comments I could find during the security hole, which has since been fixed.

I swear that these screenshots have not been altered and were just cut and resized to fit here. They may look a little suspect, and it’s possible they’re not Paris at all, but this is what I found during the brief window when myspace was vulnerable to a pretty basic hack.

Ok, let’s face it we have all been thinking the same thing, “How can Britney possibly be spending quality time with her kids if she’s always drunk and hungover?” Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, new BFF’S have been spotted out on the town together in Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

Paris recently defends Britney on her MySpace.com page,

“Lately, you’ve been seeing pics of me and Britney partying (blah blah) and she knows that some of her fans are very upset about what they call her behavior and sadly they’re blaming the issue on her being friends with me.

“For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her. She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting.

“Anyone who has called her out on this should really be ashamed. There are thousands of mothers out there who like to go out and have a good time. But, you do not see people out there calling them ‘bad parents.’ She’s young, and if she wants to go out and have some fun, let her. Just because she does these things does not mean she doesn’t care about her children. For the sake of Britney and her kids, be kind. Love, Paris.”

Source-Wenn via Source

Update from Celebitchy According to Page Six, Britney and Paris are no longer BFFs after Britney’s people told her to stay away from Paris and concentrate on her career. She seems to have gotten the “stay away from Paris” part right at least.

Just like Britney, K-Fed is attempting to clean up his image but is going about it half-assed and failing. He supposedly put out a press release stating that he’s changed his whole look and has abandoned the loose hip-hop gear in favor of suits. Wearing suits will solve everything, K-Fed.

FedEx and his posse attended a party in NY for a new book called “The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties” and was said to actually be interested in what the book was about. He later reverted to old ways and was downing shots at the open bar.

Fully clothed K-Fed still is coming off as the less f’ed up party in his divorce with Britney though. In an interview with E! he doesn’t sound like as much of a douche as he normally does. Maybe they edited out the bragging he normally does:

“I am good, I am great, you know … just moving along, progressing and taking it all in stride,” the 28-year-old aspiring rapper tells E! News in an interview that was to air Wednesday night…

Federline, who is seeking spousal support and sole custody of his sons with Spears, says he’s a family man and “that is the truth … in all honesty, that is what it is.”

He is also the father of a 4-year-old daughter, Kori, and a 2-year-old son, Kaleb, with actress Shar Jackson. They dated before he became involved with Spears.

Meanwhile, the media is giving the club-hopping Federline a tough time.

“I laugh a little bit about it you know,” he said. “I don’t take it too seriously. Those are people who don’t really know who I am.”

His debut album, Playing With Fire, sold a dismal 6,500 copies in its first week of release. The CD was released Oct. 31.

When asked about it, Federline says he’s “working it slowly, still trying to get out there and do more stuff … I got a lot of options on the table right now.”

His New Year’s resolution?

To be “a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger.”

That all sounds surprisingly normal coming from K-Fed.

Britney’s quite the mess, but it doesn’t seem she’s neglectful of her children enough to need constant monitoring by Child and Family Services. The news yesterday from Page Six that Britney is wanted for questioning by the child welfare agency was either fabricated or overblown. TMZ reports that it’s just not true, and that as long as Britney has someone watching the children she should be fine.

Paparazzi agency X17 says that Britney visited a knee surgeon this week for a consultation. She injured her knee two years ago, which sort of led her to K-Fed and derailed her music career. Speculation is that she may need more surgery on it, which could postpone her much-anticipated comeback.

Britney is now trying to mend her public image by replacing that dumb ass morphing tiger on her website with a personal message referencing her issue with undergarments, but it seems like too little too late:

It’s been so long since I’ve been out on the town with friends. [Note from Celebitchy: 4 hours] It’s also been 2 years since I’ve even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria’s Secrets’ new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

I’m just getting started… Happy Holidays everyone!

Britney

This sounds like the trite justifications Lohan uses for her partying. (”I’m 20, don’t all 20 year-olds go out?”) There’s a difference between hitting a nightclub once in a while, and going out every night of the week when you have two young children at home. Someone wrote this for her and told her that she needed to sound contrite. There’s nothing Britney can say that will erase the image of her punane from peoples’ minds.

All of Britney’s actions show that she wants to do everything as she pleases. We’re really disappointed in her and this stupid message isn’t going to change that. She may be the top search phrase on Yahoo! this year, but it takes a lot of work to look away from an accident instead of slowing down and staring.

Is it wrong of me to say that Britney is looking kind of slack recently? If she’s up all night drinking (and probably drugging) she’s surely let up on her fitness and health regime. She doesn’t look as good as she did a month ago, and that kind of partying catches up with you quick. Just look at Lohan.

The California Department of Children and Family Services is said to be trying in vain to contact Britney Spears, who is suprisingly inaccessible considering how much the public knows of her whereabouts. Page Six reports that child welfare agency is concerned about her two children, Jayden James, almost three months, and Sean Preston, 15 months. They may be simply following up on an earlier visit after Sean Preston fell from his highchair, but it’s likely they’ve been tipped off by her antics with Paris all over town.

The best news is that Britney’s mom Lynne is said to be watching the kids, because grandparents are usually much more attentive than the help, but they also report that Lynne can’t get in touch with Britney, which probably means that she hasn’t seen her children much lately apart from orchestrated photo-ops.

A source close to the singer said, “The department has been calling Britney trying to set up a meeting with her, so they can check on [Spears' baby sons Sean Preston and Jaden James]. The calls started after this recent bout of bizarre public behavior.”

But they are not the only ones worried about Spears.

Her family is aghast at her all-night partying with Hilton and Davis and were mortified when, on four separate occasions, Spears was shot by paparazzi not wearing any underwear.

The family source said her mother, Lynne, “is very disturbed and has been trying to get a hold of Britney, but she can’t. Lynne, Britney’s brother, Brian, and her dad, Jamie, are very upset and are trying to stage an intervention with [Spears' manager] Larry Rudolph’s help.”

A rep for the Department of Children & Family Services in L.A. didn’t return calls.

But it wouldn’t be the first time the family service agency’s social workers paid a visit to Spears. On April 8, representatives for the department, along with the L.A. County Sheriff’s office, went to the Malibu home Spears shared at the time with hubby Kevin Federline after Sean Preston fell from a high chair and hit his head while he was under the care of a nanny.

Another friend of Spears said it is possible the department is now merely following up on that original visit. But the Spears household has probably become even less stable since April.

The public has yet to get much of an even covered-up glimpse of little Jayden, and at first Britney was said to be waiting to publish his pictures until she brokered a deal with a top magazine. She then was said to want to give the pictures away so K-Fed couldn’t get 1/2 of the profits. Vanity Fair may have rejected an unpaid Suri-like spread for Jayden, but People was interested at one point. It’s clear that Britney isn’t taking Jayden out or spending much time with him in between her busy schedule going out to clubs and flashing poon with her new friends. In fact we’ve seen way more of Britney’s hairless kitty than we have of her newborn child.

At least she’s been seen out with Sean Preston. That’s something.

Header picture of Britney out with Sean Preston at the zoo on her birthday from Celebrity Puke.

Chic Mommy transcribed this hilarious speech from Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live this weekend in a post that’s been quite popular, and has even been appropriated by a cut ‘n paste blog. Now the video is available and it’s quite priceless. I love how she tells Britney “Also, you have a one month old baby at home.” (Faceless Jayden James is nearly three months old, but that doesn’t make Britney’s behavior excusable.)

Thanks to Best Week Ever for linking this.

Britney turned 25 on Saturday and had a little paparazzi pow-wow at Mr. Chows. She danced in the window in a too-short dress to let everyone know that she’s wearing those overpriced knickers she bought. Earlier in the day she went to the zoo with little Sean Preston. (Jayden James has yet to be seen, and if she was a cult member you know I would have been all over that and calling it a conspiracy.) After her well-documented dinner she was said to have headed to Hyde nightclub. The paparazzi websites don’t have pictures of that yet, but Paris definitely wasn’t at the zoo or at Mr. Chows. Where was she?

Paris was said to have bought a bunch of shit at Kitson and Kitson kids on Britney’s birthday, but when did she give it to her? Paris wasn’t seen with Britney on her birthday as far as I can tell. Is she disappointed in her prodigy?

What happened between Britney and Paris? Britney looks kind of sad in some of these candids, and seems like she’s stepping out with the help again.

Here’s an only tangentially related and incredibly good old school video from Public Image Limited called Disappointed. This is what I listened to in college, and I saw Johnny Lydon perform it live in a small club in Buffalo, NY:

And here are a bunch of pictures taken on Britney’s birthday. Thanks to Celebrity Puke, Splash News and Flynet for these pics. X17 will not let you use shit.

Update: Paris was out at the same club as Britney on her birthday night, but all might not be well in their friendship. Paris went to the club separately with her own friends and did not start hanging out with Britney until Paris made it a point to go over to her and say hello. They did seem chummy afterwards, but did not leave together. Justin Timberlake was also at the club that night, and hung out with his own entourage.

Another update: Now TMZ is saying that they held hands all night and that Paris dumped Kim Kardashian for Britney. Who can keep up with these two?

Amy Poehler, co-host of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, blasted coochie flashing celebrities this weekend during her live broadcast.

Speaking of Britney Spears, I’d just like to take a minute to address this latest trend, flashing your bizness while coming in, and or, leaving a limosine.

Ladies (read: Britney, Paris, and Lindsay, but especially Britney), you need to cool it. Nobody wants to see your baby factory. Look, I get it, I’ve been in this business for 65 years. I know how it works. Flashing Beav is part of the game. But if your gonna do it at least get paid for it…….

The point is, you guys are making Tara Reid look like Audry Hepburn. What’s next? Shots of stars pooping out of a window? And lastly, ladies, what’s up with all the deforestation going on down there? You need hair down there! It’s a backup system for underwear! Even when you’re showin’ it, you’re not really showin’ it! There was a time when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza. Then, it turned into an upside down John Waters mustache. Now, every girl is as smooth as Joey Lawrence’s head! Global warming? You decide. But remember, I always believe a woman’s nethers should be shrouded in mystery.

We have nothing more to add to this story. Amy has said it all, and hell yeah, we girls who wear panties agree. Way to go Amy Poehler! Represent.

SNL screencap image taken and captioned by Chic Mommy.