There’s all sorts of Britney news today. I was going to break it up into several stories, but I’ll just give the highlights here.

Everyone is saying that K-Fed didn’t know the divorce was coming since he went on and on about how he was in a partnership with Britney, and was captured on videotape receiving the divorce news via text message.

I wonder if he’ll ever regret bragging about how much he loves tacky bling and luxury cars? He told Salon magazine that he still feels “poor” despite a “fetish” for items that could feed entire African villages for a year.

He also said that his relationship with his wife is worth way more than all the material goods he covets and accumulates. Let’s see how he really feels about that when he’s trying to get a chunk of her money:

The watch you’re wearing is worth more money than I’ve made in the last five years.

That’s my baby. Whenever I made some money that’s the first thing I went and bought.

So there are certain aspects of the lifestyle you probably enjoy.

Of course, of course. I have my fetishes like everybody else does. My shoes — my kick game is ridiculous.

How many shoes do you have?

Probably like 80 to 100 pairs. My watch game is ridiculous — just jewelry in general. It’s an investment. I bought this [points to his watch], and it’s already gone up in value. All the jewelry I’m wearing has already gone up in value.

You’re not planning on selling it anytime soon are you?

Hell no. I ain’t getting rid of it. I’m going to go out and get some more. It’s great to be able to go and do that stuff, but you really sit back and think about it … You could have all the money in the world and within two months of having that … Say you hit the lotto, right? Two months of having that money, you go and buy a mansion, you buy a big-ass boat, you travel all around the world, you do everything in two months. That’s not gonna buy you happiness. That’s not gonna define who I am. It only goes so far. There’s something way beyond that that’s deep that I have with my wife that nobody will ever understand…

What’s the last book you read?
o
Last book I read was either — man, somebody just asked me this shit today — it was either Russell Simmons’ or Puffy’s book. I’m really studying people who have been in this business and people who have really made themselves into a business from nothing because basically that’s … you see the watch and you see the jewelry and even though, yeah, I do have money, in a sense, I act like I really don’t. Right now the way I look at it is that I’m broke and I’m struggling to get this shit off.

He also claimed that he’s rapping because he loves to, and not because he needs the money. Most incredibly, though, he claims that his terrible rap-like music would have been super popular if he never hooked up with Britney! “If people didn’t know who I was, a couple of the records that I’ve thrown out would’ve probably blown up huge by now. It would’ve just come out of nowhere — people wouldn’t know what to expect.”

Just like Anna Nicole’s sad life of cashing in and Madonna’s PR adoption, the K-Fed and Britney divorce is the story that keeps on giving.

The news we reported yesterday that K-Fed will have to return all gifts over $10,000 according to the prenup might not be true. The NY Daily News is reporting that he gets to keep all the overpriced crap he raps about, including his custom Ferrari and Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie necklace. He has also filed suit for custody of his two children with Britney, Sean Preston, one and Jayden James, 2 months. Kevin was said to be trying to file for divorce from Britney first and he supposedly wanted to try for $30 million settlement by using their kids as pawns. If he’s asking for custody now that probably means that he’s trying to show he’s serious about fatherhood in order to better stake his claim for Britney’s cash.

Still, Kevin won’t get as much as he’s looking for. He’s a greedy bastard with expensive tastes, and he won’t get half of their $7.3 million Malibu mansion since Britney bought it before she met him:

But Kevin – who reportedly has asked for custody of their two kids as well as spousal support – won’t walk away empty-handed.

Kevin definitely does get to keep all the toys he has acquired over the past two years, including a personalized Ferrari (logo replaced with Federline), numerous pieces of jewelry and diamond-encrusted watches, and the $1 million Britney invested to produce his single, “PopoZao.”

Legal experts say that to keep the Kevster quiet, Britney will have to work out some kind of structured settlement and confidentiality agreement to stop her ex-hubby from selling their story to the press over the next several years.

The $7.3 million Malibu mansion, the one with eight bedrooms, eight bathrooms, an Olympic-size pool, regulation tennis court, spa, gym and fully equipped outdoor kitchen, was purchased by Spears before the marriage.

The couple reportedly spent $150,000 on a new nursery and baby-proofing the house when Sean Preston was born and $400,000 to build Kevin a personal recording studio.

Britney also owned a three-bedroom, 4 1/2-bath Manhattan condominium (once owned by Keith Richards) before getting hitched to K-Fed. It sold for $4 million in August, which was $1 million more than Brit originally paid for it. It will be up to the judge on whether she must share only the actual profit with Kevin.

K-Fed performed in Chicago at the House of Blues last night, telling the crowd that he’s a free man and pointing out a “sexy ass lady.” His ticket sales were so bad that the House of Blues was giving them away.

“Hey, I see a lot of fine ladies in here,” said the rapper. “You know I’m a free man, right, ladies? You wanna dance with a pimp?” Later on he added, “That’s a sexy-ass lady right there,” pointing into the crowd.

Pictures from People.com and Gabsmash.

And it just doesn’t stop today. This pr0n video service that copies YouTube has a ringer for Britney giving a way too professional blow job. Here’s why I don’t think it’s real: the woman in the tape is a brunette and the news of the supposed sex tape was published in October, 2005, way before Britney dyed her hair. The woman does look a lot like Britney, but she’s too thin to be her as a brunette and from some angles does not look like her at all. In the brief second she opens her eyes, her eyes look too dark to be Britneys. (Yes, I watched this closely.)

Here’s the NSFW at all link, which will work only after you sign up for that pr0notube.com service.

I’m beginning to think all this sensational news is just an attempt by the right wingers to take focus off the fact that they go their asses kicked in the election. Britney once said that we should support our president in every crazy thing he does.

News did just break that Britney’s sex tape case was thrown out, though. She tried to sue US Weekly for claiming that a sex tape existed and that she and K-Fed screened it for some estate lawyers. Since she talked so much crap about her sex life on that terrible “Chaotic” movie and appeared nearly naked in all her music videos, the judge dismissed her case.

Thanks to Defamer for linking this.

K-Fed’s album “Playing with Fire” is out and the Amazon reviewers either love it or hate it. Most hate it, and a few of them have actually listened to it. Here are two of my favorite reviews:

A cute poem from top 100 reviewer Amanda Richards:

This former back-up dancer
Now known as Mr. Spears
Has brought us the worst album
To be released in years

Though he thinks he’s Eminem
He’s more Vanilla Ice
And after you’ve heard this one once
You wouldn’t hear it twice

Just listen to the lyrics
And see if you agree
These are the worst songs ever “sung”
In all of history

The first single is “Lose Control”
A track that should be tossed
I would suggest this album
Be avoided at all cost

Maybe next year on April 1
(You’ll get two for a buck)
Buy `em for an All Fool’s joke
and watch your pals upchuck

Top 1000 reviewer Pen Name, who gave it half a chance before trashing it:

I gave half of this CD a listen to see if the criticism Federline has been receiving is justified. I can quite clearly say that it is. The “beats” on this album are pretty sophmoric, but could be overlooked with good writing. There are no songs that really have a very catchy rhythm that you can enjoy, although a few have potential. The main problem with the album though is the awful lyrics:

“Im the talk of the town
Thats the reason why they stare
4 karats in my ear
If you look see a glare”

“When the pen hits the pad
It’s in the left hand
Every single word is worth thirty grand”

“Every word out my mouth
Make headline news
I’m the best, I rule
Come test my tools”

Federline spends the entire album rapping about four things:

a) His wife
b) How much everyone hates him
c) How much pot he smokes / how much he gets drunk
d) How awesome he is.

I assume the fact that people are always “hatin’ on him” gives him street cred and makes him tough in his eyes. I just can’t understand it, as these lyrics would be laughable from ANY artist, not just him. He actually has a fairly decent voice, but it won’t matter if he keeps using monosyllable rhymes that sound like they were written by a third grader.

A guy who unwittingly attended a listening party and almost got kicked out for mocking the CD like everyone else there:

Well folks, here is a true story. About 3 weeks ago a friend of my sister was invited to a listening party over Los Angeles. Her friend works in a radio station their and said there is going to be some celebrities and some people in the up and up in music, so by some reason I’m still quite sure how it happened, possibly parental nagging, I went to this party not knowing really what to expect and being an open minded music fan actually made it kind of interesting. At the party, I heard some DJ going around telling every one to expect big things from an up and coming artist, so later on I was appalled when this up and coming artist was…………..Mr Britney Spears HImself Kevin Federline. Naturally I wanted to bail faster than a guy in a high speed chase then all of a sudden it clicked, I could listen to the album and actually go ahead and bash this later. So the agony turned to despair and even some times comedic as many people there were thinking and saying what was on every bodies mind, is this a joke? So listening to this abomination I was just laughing when I told someone that Vanilla Ice would be proud that someone was holding his torch alive and then someone from his crew threatened to kick me out and I did leave after many people left in disgust and annoyed at what I saw and heard too, just because you marry someone big, wont meen that people will put up with your joke of a life. Im mean this album had some of the worst production and skills ever. Basically his songs are, yeah, Ilive the high life cuz I married Britney, Im from Fresno and Im a gangsta. So after I left the party, feeling dirty and actually wanting to puke, I got my sister, her friend went home and to try to salvage part of life that shamefully I will never get back so to calm my self , I got my Celtic Frost To Mega Therion album, crank the stereo up went home. Now thanks to this event I think Im suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and hopefully I will forget this soon and alcohol will mostly help to earse it. Remembered, I suffered so you wouldn’t have to.

Britney has now been shopping for a ton of clothes in size six. She was said to be planning a Halloween comeback and it seems like she’s slimmed up enough to perform again. At least someone in her family is talented.

Glossy pictures of K-Fed’s latest spawn, Jayden James, have yet to be seen. I thought they would be published in time to help promote his album, so they’ll probably come out soon along with jaw-dropping pictures of his wife.

If you want, you can listen to the entire album online. You can’t fast forward so don’t say I didn’t warn you. There are also scans of the entire “Playing with Fire” CD, which consists of a naseating number of photos of K-Fed in the exact same pose, at BreatheHeavy.com. I was going to post them here, but I don’t have the patience to download and resize all that shit.

Thanks to Fark for reminding me to look at Amazon for the reviews.

Britney Spears must have read our fantasy celebrity futures wish list, because she’s hired a team of nannies, nutritionists, and trainers, and is working out furiously to drop the baby weight in time for K-Fed’s Halloween CD release party:

Let me put in another unpaid plug for Best Shape of Your Life, because you can drop weight quickly in less than three hours total a week – including cardio – at the gym. It’s all about eating right and lifting heavy weights to shape your body quickly.

Britney would work out for hours on end, though. She doesn’t seem to quite get the concept that you need to cut calories too and that mocha frappuccinos are fattening. Let’s hope that she’s hired good people and that she’s not sabotaging her efforts by trying to do too much too soon. There was a rumor that she had a tummy tuck after SPF2′s (?) birth, and that could have been true.

When Halloween rolls around we’re set to find out if Britney had a boy or a girl, what the infant’s name is, and how fast Britney can lose weight. K-Fed’s album will undoubtedly be ignored at his CD release party as everyone talks about his wife and latest spawn, and that’s sure to piss him off.

The fake People covers featuring Britney were found on BreatheHeavy.com.

At the end of September we reported that Britney refused to confirm that her new baby’s name is actually Sutton, but everyone went on assuming it was. Now Kevin Federline kind of let it slip in a radio interview that it isn’t really the baby’s name at all, and that it’s crazy when “people are telling me my child’s name:”

If Britney’s new baby isn’t named Sutton, and better yet if it’s not even a boy she gets a lot of credit for fooling the media for this long. She managed to slip in and out of the hospital unnoticed and now she’s kept her newborn so under wraps that no one knows the tyke’s real name or gender yet.

Her husband’s album should completely suck, but it’s sure to get a little publicity boost from Britney’s tightly-guarded baby secret.

Meanwhile K-Fed is hawking Five Star clothing’s new line at Kitson LA. He says his children come first, but it sure doesn’t seem like it when he’s partying all over Vegas.

Page Six reports that philandering K-Fed, who is currently partying in Vegas with random women while his wife tends to their one year-old and newborn child, stands to get much more money then everyone assumes if he leaves Britney.

There was a story K-Fed gets more money in the pre-nup for each child he fathers with Britney, and that may explain why she got knocked up again so soon, and why his settlement stands to be this large if he leaves her.

How long do you think it will take K-Fed to blow through $10 million? The guy has a custom Ferrari worth more than a quarter of a million dollars, a Maserati worth at least six figures, and a $30,000 watch. There was a story that Britney gave K-Fed her no-limit Amex card last month to show him how stupid and gullible she is for trusting him. Maybe he used it to order this terrible pendant he’s wearing.

Things seemed rough but patched up recently for these two, as Britney has been supporting Kevin’s ridiculous music career by introducing him at the Teen Choice Awards and lending her vocals to a track on his new album. Now that K-Fed is partying in Vegas and being so aggressive with the paparrazi it seems like their relationship is just as bad as was rumored earlier in the year.

Here’s K-Fed partying it up in Vegas. As D-Listed points out, that stupid custom bling looks like a Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie. It probably cost enough to feed a small village in Africa for a year. Pictures from BreatheHeavy.com and taken by X17.

Update: The tattoo of a stylized “F” on K-Fed’s left arm is new, and is said to stand for Kevin’s Federation records. [via]

In an interview on Larry King Live last night, Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer and self-proclaimed lover, Howard K. Stern, revealed that he thinks he’s the father of Anna’s baby. Papparazo Larry Birkhead also claims to be the father of the baby, and said he went to early doctor’s visits with Anna and was made to believe that the baby is his. I don’t think that Stern is the father and I’ll get into the reasons why in another post.

What interested me is the fact that Anna Nicole named her daughter “Danilynne” after her tragically departed son, Danielle, and his nickname for her as a child, Lynne. News reports have the name listed as “Dannie Lyne Hope,” with Hope being her middle name, but the CNN transcript of the interview lists it several times as one word: “Danilynne.” Stern states that “Danilynne” is her first name, not just “Dani”:

Anna famously asked Britney Spears to be her friend a few months ago in a video message on her subscription-access website. While she was six month’s pregnant she said, “If you wanted to be friends, I would so much love to hang out with you. I think you’re totally cool and I think we’re going to have our babies about the same time.”

There was a report right before Britney Spears was due that claimed that Britney was having a girl she wanted to name “Jailynn,” also after members of her family. Some people thought it was a great name, while others pointed out that it had “Jail” in it, and sounded kind of silly.

Was Anna inspired by Britney to name her daughter “Danilynne?” It’s possible, but it’s also common to name a child after family members. The added “Lynne” built into the name just makes it seem a little close for coincidence considering that Anna Nicole asked Britney to be her friend.

Kevin Federline has cut his “Brazilian ass-shaker” song, “Popozao” from his new album, “Playing with Fire.” The album will be released on Halloween with a replacement track featuring a duet with Kevin’s much more talented wife, downtrodden pop star Britney Spears.

K-Fed tried to claim in early July that the awful “Popzao” was just a “joke” that he released ahead of the rest of his material to fake us out so that we would be stunned by his real talent.

This video of him jamming out to Popozao proves otherwise.