An older image of exes Denise and Charlie with their girls
For her daughter Sam’s fourth birthday party, Denise Richards didn’t go for the standard preschool-pleasing fare like a magic act or a pirate or barbie theme. Richards had a birthday party for her daughter that sounds more like something an adult woman would do with her friends - a spa day:

“There was a sign on the front door that said ‘Sammi’s Spa,’” a source tells Star. “And waiting there were tiny bathrobes monogrammed with each kid’s name,” the source notes. All the girls got their nails painted and their hair done, while the boy’s hair was styled into Mohawks.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, March 31, 2008]

I have a little boy around that age, and there’s nothing more annoying to him than having his hair washed. We got one of those shampoo visors and that seems to have done the trick, but he would surely throw a fit before allowing anyone to style his hair.

Little girls are more into mommy-type activities and might really enjoy a spa day, but it sounds more like a publicity stunt for Richards’ new reality show than something a four year-old would ask for. Star notes that “everything was filmed for Denise’s upcoming reality show” so you know why she didn’t throw a party fit for four year-olds.

Richards won a court battle in January with her ex, Charlie Sheen, to include their daughters on television and claimed that the girls said they wanted to be on TV and that they love to dress up and get their hair done. Her daughters are 2 and 4.

Another stunt that Richards recently pulled for the show was having her “Charlie” tattoo on her ankle removed. At least it didn’t involve exploiting her daughters. That’ll show him Denise!

This show is going to be distilled down to clips of Richards looking like the ultimate stage mom and will hopefully do more damage to her already-poor image. Her next career move will probably involve pushing her daughters into some sort of show business venture. She’s just prepping them for it with this reality show.

Sam and Lola better practice their scowls - it’s their only defense against commercials and child modeling.

Header image is an older one of Denise, Charlie Sheen and their two girls, Sam and Lola, thanks to Splash News.

I do not remember the last time I’ve laughed this hard. Certainly not at poetry. And certainly not at Charlie Sheen. But it turns out, when you combine Charlie Sheen and poetry, you get a laugh riot of unrivaled proportions. I didn’t think celebrities were allowed to write poetry – save for Jewel. And I’m not saying hers was anything to write home about, but I was at least aware of it. What I was not aware of was that Leonard Nimoy Charlie Sheen, and Suzanne Somers all have published books of poetry. I know, a truly horrifying concept. Whether or not you enjoy or understand poetry, pretty much anyone can delight in a feeling of superiority after reading a few of their lines. Even if you couldn’t do a better job, most of us would at least have the sense not to publish the crap. But most of us also don’t have anywhere near the ego that’s mounted on most celeb’s heads. Hey that rhymed. I just became 75% better at poetry than Charlie Sheen. I’m not sure if this is a moment of pride or profound sadness. Here’s a little bit ‘o Charlie.

…Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand,

You tell me it’s like the back of my hand.

Should I play guitar and join the band?

Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?

[From the Huffington Post]

Oh delicious delight. I never thought I would say this, but Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards clearly left you because she was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too intelligent for you. Seriously, how could you possibly be attracted to someone after they wrote something like this? And the worst part is, Charlie Sheen wrote his book of poetry in 1990. I’m assuming that he hid it from Denise while he was courting her. You know, like you hide your collection of porn or the fact that you once ran over a person. Because that poem is clearly on the same level as a hit-and-run. Who else’s depth should we taunt? Suzanne Somers is a good one. She’s a little more clear (and a little more free verse) in her poem, about a judgmental organic woman. Alright.

Organic girl dropped by last night

For nothing in particular

Except to tell me again how beautiful and serene she feels

On uncooked vegetables and wheat germ fortified by bean sprouts–

Mixed with yeast and egg whites on really big days–

She not only meditates regularly, but looks at me like I should

And lectures me about meat and ice cream

And other aggressive foods I shouldn’t eat.

[From the Huffington Post]

I know. No words. Which is tough since words are my job. The article does give a few examples of good celebrity poems – but they’re all singer/songwriters. Which makes perfect sense, and is a hell of a lot less funny. Now I’m not saying it was easy to look at Charlie Sheen without laughing before this debacle. But seriously, next time you see him waxing on about what a crazed heathen Denise Richards is, start chanting “Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand,” and see how long you can go without judging the crap out of him.

Here Charlie Sheen with fiancée Brooke Mueller and the cast of “Two and a Half Men” at the “An Evening with ‘Two and a Half Men’” event at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences on February 27th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

The battle between Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen wages on, with Sheen’s fiancée throwing her own opinion into the ring. Richards has recently decided to star in her own reality show for E!. It’s being produced by Ryan Seacrest, who assures audiences that Denise is utterly fascinating, if you can believe it. What, you can’t? Craziness. Richards comes across to most as an unbeatable combination of vapid and crazy. Just how the men like it, right? Though Charlie isn’t taking home any Einstein of the Year awards, it appears that he may legitimately be the less crazy of the pair – though there’s so much drama between the two that it’s hard to tell what’s what. Last month, Denise went to court to allow her to show her two young daughters Sam, 3, and Lola, 2, in her upcoming show. Charlie wouldn’t give permission, which is why she had to take the issue before a judge. Denise won, and now her two little daughters will have (what one can only assume is) the chaos of their everyday lives shown for all the world to see. Charlie’s fiancée, Brooke Mueller, told Us Weekly exactly what she thinks about the situation.

Charlie Sheen and his fiancee Brooke Mueller won’t be watching Denise Richards’ upcoming E! reality show.

“Charlie and I both think it’s exploitative and not good,” Mueller, 29, told Usmagazine.com at an Elle magazine gifting suite in L.A. yesterday. “But the judge ruled in her favor so there’s nothing we can do.”

(Sheen lost a January court battle to prevent their children, Sam, 3, and Lola, 2, from appearing on the show. Richards has assured Us, “I’m going to be respectful about how they’ll appear.”)

After making her comments, Mueller then asked an Us reporter to replay them on a tape recorder.

“Right that’s perfect,” she said, adding, “because what I really want to say …. Oooh!”

[From Us Magazine]

Somehow I just don’t trust Denise Richards. But I also don’t trust Charlie Sheen. It’s nearly impossible to pick the lesser of two evils here. It’s funny that Us chose to include that last portion about Mueller asking to hear her comments played back. I wonder if she said that because her comments were staged, or because she was afraid she’d be misquoted, or if she just wanted to hear how she sounded. It was a very odd thing to say, and makes me question her intent. Denise was videotaped by TMZ yesterday as she was leaving a grocery store. The cameraman asked her if Charlie would be on her show, to which she replied, “That’ll be a cold day in hell.” Something tells me relations won’t be thawing between these two for quite some time.

Here’s Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen at Planet Hollywood on November 17th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Well it’s official: now that Denise Richards has legally established that she can put her daughters on television, E! has announced that she will be starring in her own reality show. Which, if it’s anything like Richards herself, will be elegant, understated, and totally non-crazy. It’s obviously not a big surprise that she’s getting a show, since Denise had to do battle with ex-husband Charlie Sheen to get the court’s permission to show daughters Sam and Lola. The two girls have never once been photographed looking anything less than totally miserable, so I’m guessing it’s going to be pretty sad to watch them in half hour stretches. Denise’s fabulous new show will focus on what a great single mom she is, and profile a famous woman’s struggle to get her life back on track after a nasty divorce. [Read all those lines in a bitchy/snarky/sarcastic tone].

The actress has signed with E! Entertainment Television and Ryan Seacreast Productions to star in a new unscripted series, “The Untitled Denise Richards Show” debuting this summer.

“I’ve been approached before [about a reality show] and the timing wasn’t right,” Richards told Seacrest on his early-morning radio show Tuesday. “It’s time for people to see what I’m really like.” Seacrest said he had to “beg” and “grovel” to persuade the actress to do the show, though Richards says she’s eager to team up with the “American Idol” host. Both Seacrest and Richards will serve as executive producers. “That girl has led an interesting life,” said Seacrest. ” ‘Interesting’ being the operative word.”

“There’s been so many negative things about me in the press, most of it not true,” said Richards. “I thought that, at the time, it was the right thing to do. Take the high road and keep quiet and keep things private … but it was very hard. I want the opportunity for people to see what I’m really like and judge for themselves.”

[From the Daily News]

Something tells me people are going to judge her boring, crazy, and/or empty, just based on the couple of times I’ve seen Denise Richards interviewed for about 38 seconds. She is super good at playing vapid pretty girls because she’s not a good actress, so it works. It was really hard to figure out who was the crazy one in her divorce from Charlie Sheen. Someone was clearly telling lies because they could not agree on a single point, no matter how insignificant. I think when all was said and done, it turned out they were both crazy, with Richards having the edge at slightly psychopathic. It sounds like Denise has found her true calling: I can think of no personality traits more suited to reality television.

Here’s Denise at the launch of Dr. Rey’s Shapewear on October 25th. Talk about going to the opening of an envelope. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Charlie Sheen is royally pissed that his ex-wife Denise Richard’s assistant is tagging along during his time with his kids. We reported three weeks ago that Sheen had filed court papers to be able to provide his own nanny for his supervised visits. Well apparently the matter is still working its way through the courts, because Denise is still sending her own supervision. She’s supposed to send a nanny, but when one isn’t available, she sends her personal assistant, who Charlie has accused of spying on him for Denise. That might make him sound paranoid, but Denise is supposedly a bit whacko and there’s some evidence to back up his suspicions. Denise of course denied that, but has since repeatedly sent the assistant along with her daughters instead of a nanny, which makes it a bit suspicious.

“‘Here is my and Brooke’s [Mueller, his fiancé] weekend with [daughters Sam and Lola] being sullied by one of her spies,’ Sheen told People at an event hosted by Brooke Shields and Chris Henchy in Malibu on Saturday. Richards allegedly dispatched her assistant to monitor Sheen with the couple’s daughters ‘because a real nanny was unavailable, ‘ the actor said.

“Earlier this month, Sheen filed court documents seeking to amend the terms of the ex-couple’s shared custody of Sam, 3, and Lola, 2, including that he be permitted to hire his own childcare provider. The actor is currently unable to see his daughters unless they are accompanied by two Richards-approved nannies, and only Richards is allowed to select suitable replacements should either be unavailable for a visit.

“And as far as Sheen’s concerned, his ex-wife’s assistant does not qualify as a suitable replacement. ‘Until I’m granted the ability to hire my own nanny, she is required to provide one and I was terribly insulted that she felt her ‘assistant’ was a suitable replacement,’ the actor said in a statement released by his publicist, Stan Rosenfield, on Monday.
“‘If it’s unfortunate that I’m speaking, it’s ‘unfortunate’ that an incredibly loving and responsible father and his terrifically capable fiancée are being subjected to these transparent and unnecessary sanctions, that have nothing to do with responsible co-parenting and everything to do with punishment and control. As long as I am forced to live under these conditions with my children, people are going to hear about it.’”

[From E! News]

If I were Charlie Sheen, I’d be pissed that I had to be supervised with my kids at all. But he seems to understand that and is mature about it. He’s just arguing that he should be able to provide his own nanny, or someone the court chooses. Not someone his ex-wife pays. That makes sense. I realize the guy has engaged in some incredibly unsavory activities in the past, and he should be monitored until a reasonable amount of time goes by and he has consistently proven that he’s a safe, good parent to his kids. But who would want their crazy ex spying on them? If Richards really is using her assistant for that, it’s really scary to think what she’ll do with the kids once they’re old enough to talk and relay information accurately. Hopefully by then these two will be back in their civil pattern (since they seem to cycle rapidly) and be a little more stable for the sake of their kids.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Charlie and Denise back in happier times. Header image of Charlie and fiancée Brooke Mueller. Images thanks to PR Photos.

While tabloid reports had Denise Richards breaking up with Richie Sambora over his drinking problem, a report in yesterday’s NY Daily News claims that Sambora was the one who pulled the plug on their rebound relationship. Richards was devastated during their Hawaiian vacation at the end of January when, instead of proposing as expected, Sambora broke up with her. She even hid their breakup for months, referring to the relationship in a subsequent interview with Glamour magazine as if they were still an item.

Now Denise is looking for a new man who can provide for her in the luxury brand-name style that she’s accustomed to. She’s said to have hired a super expensive matchmaker who specializes in setting up gold diggers like Denise with millionaire mates looking for trophy wives:

Denise Richards is looking for a husband the old-fashioned way - by using a matchmaker! But the price of finding true love isn’t cheap. Insiders tell Star that Denise, 36, could be paying up to $50,000 to find Mr. Right through an exclusive matchmaking agency.

“It’s a very high-end service, and it’s extremely private,” says the source. “They ask for as much as $50,000 for a two-year contract. They have thousands of clients and specialize in very wealthy executives. These men don’t have time to hunt for a mate. Also, the type of women they are looking for - beautiful and successful - doesn’t [sic] hang out at bars. They have to be found.”

[From Star Magazine print edition, July 16, 2007]

It seems like Denise could save a lot of money by looking online like so many other people. She probably isn’t that computer or Internet-savvy, though, and might get duped. She also might run into her ex, Charlie Sheen. Last year he was said to be using a site called millionairematch to look for a mate.

Whatever Sheen was doing to find a girlfriend, it seems to have worked. He has been dating a 28 year-old real estate investor, Brooke Wolofsky, since last June. The two were most recently photographed together in May of this year and are assumed to be doing well. Maybe Sheen can give Richards a little advice on how to find someone online.

Header image is of Denise and Richie’s Hawaiian vacation in January and is from SplashNews.

Remember that baby clothing venture that I was making fun of Britney for forgetting about just a couple of days ago? It seems she hasn’t dropped it after all. Word is she asked Charlie Sheen, who launched his own “Sheen Kids” line just when his estranged wife decided to air a bunch of dirt on him, if she can collaborate with him for help launching her own line of baby clothes:

That’s smart of Britney to get help from someone who already has a line of children’s clothing out. It’s rare of her to ask for advice and she should be commended.

Meanwhile Anna Nicole Smith has asked Britney to hang out with her. She’s posted a message on her stupid video diary telling Britney she’d love to be her friend:

Smith is pretty dumb if she thinks that Britney’s due date is just around the same time as hers. Maybe she’ll get some free baby clothing out of the deal, though. She’ll need the help since her website isn’t really bringing in the subscribers.

Charlie Sheen, 40, is dating 28-year-old real estate investor Brooke Wolofsky. Sheen brought Wolofsky as his date to the 2006 Butterfly Ball in Los Angeles this weekend. His publicist confirmed their relationship:

That’s good for Sheen, and hopefully it will last for him. Now that his ex Denise Richards has shown what an attention whore she is I don’t like her at all, and am kind of siding with him in the divorce.

Richards defended the fact that she’s dating and possibly engaged to BonJovi guitarist Richie Sambora, saying that Heather Locklear wasn’t really her best friend and that you can’t help it when you fall in love:

She’s full of shit and that’s lousy to say “oh, I wasn’t that close to Heather anyway.” She shouldn’t go on so much about it, and just looks as desperate as she did when she dressed like a slutty majorette to perform with the PussyCat Dolls.

Here are Sheen and Wolofsky. She looks like a decent person and we’ll have to see how it turns out. If she has some of the same problems with Charlie that Denise did, we’ll rethink our opinion of him. He’s not a saint, but he’s probably not as bad as Denise makes out.

Denise Richard’s divorce lawyer has filed papers requesting that Charlie Sheen’s pension funds be considered part of the couple’s joint assets. Denise isn’t just content to smear Sheen and take half of his money, she wants to ruin his retirement too:

That’s cold! Denise is going for the jugular in this divorce.

She’s an ambitious woman, that’s for sure. After Richie Sambora announced that he was single while at a Bon Jovi gig in Germany she had her publicist deny that that had broken up and promptly rushed to his side. Her desperate measures seem to have worked, judging from these pictures of these two at the seaside in Italy. [via]

I never believed these two were a couple, because there was only one report of them going out to dinner and kissing that got repeated a couple weeks after it first came out. Other than that there wasn’t much evidence and no pictures, although Spade did defend Locklear to the press by saying that “She’s still nursing the knife wound in her back” [from Denise Richards] He also did a dumb skit on his show about it, using paper dolls to pretend that Richards apologized for saying he dated Locklear before she split up with her estranged husband, Richie Sambora (video below.)

MSNBC’s “The Scoop” is reporting the relationship between Spade and Locklear is over:

Locklear’s ex, Richie Sambora, is still dating his neighbor Denise Richards, despite reports that the two have broken up. Richard’s rep confirmed that they’re still together and said that Sambora’s recent comment at a Bon Jovi gig in Germany, in which he claimed to be “Single and ready to party” was just part of his rock-star personae.

Now Richards is flying to Europe to join Sambora while he’s on tour.

That sounds kind of desperate and we’ve joined team Sheen in the Richards/Sheen divorce battle. With the latest news that Richards is starting her own children’s clothing line to directly compete with her husband’s business venture, she’s clearly out to get him. Plus, whose rep ever confirms a rebound relationship? That’s just lame.

As for Sambora and Locklear, we’re not sure who to root for because it doesn’t seem like anyone is at fault. Denise Richards can take the blame there as well.

Here’s Spade doing his dumb skit in which he pretends to talk to Denise Richards, using paper dolls to act it out: