Charlie Sheen passed a urine drug test witnessed and administered by some bigwigs at Radar Online. They also sent his blood and urine to a lab for independent testing. I’m willing to buy that he hasn’t done cocaine in the four days it takes to pass out of your system, but his brain is clearly showing the long term effects of drug use, namely badmouthing the people who made him the highest paid star on television.

ABC scored an interview with Charlie that will partially air Monday on Good Morning America and in full in a one hour special on 20/20 Tuesday night. An hour with a delusional, narcissistic addict who spews nonsensical bile about how everyone is wrong except him. I can’t wait. According to Deadline, ABC is itching to promote the interview during the Oscars, but since the Academy of Motional Picture Arts & Sciences controls what airs during the Oscars they’re demanding that ABC not air promos for Charlie’s interview.

I don’t understand how this is such a “get” for ABC, since Charlie has been giving interviews and quotes to random radio hosts and websites for the past two weeks. He most recently spewed a bunch of crap on Pat O’Brien’s radio show and gave some more quotes to People magazine about how CBS has “awoken a sleeping giant.” He told O’Brien that CBS execs should have been kissing his ass since he made them rich. “I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs.” He also promised that “things are about to get gnarly.” I haven’t heard that word in several years.

Charlie is also supposedly shopping a tell-all book about his years on the Two and a Half Men set and he expects at least $10 million for an advance. I doubt he’ll be able to craft his lunatic ravings into much more than the empty threats and mildly creative putdowns he’s managed so far. This book deal is about as much of a reality as that show on HBO he claimed was about to happen. The guy’s career is over, he’s bad news and he’s fighting against everyone except the porn star hookers he pays to hang out with him. Pretty soon the money is going to dry up and they’re going to leave too.

Update: La Seacrest just announced on the Oscars red carpet that the Today Show on NBC had an exclusive interview with Charlie Sheen, to air tomorrow. This is curious since advance details had him on ABC and Good Morning America. This makes me wonder if there was a bidding war.

Before yesterday’s late breaking news that Two and a Half Men was canceled for the rest of the season, The Enquirer’s Mike Walker reported that contingency plans were being made for the show to go on without Charlie. It’s worth noting that CBS and Warner Brothers’ statement said the show was being discontinued “for the rest of the season,” not that it was canceled indefinitely. Given how popular and lucrative it is, they’re probably not sure what they’re going to do with it. The Enquirer claims that other actors and potential plotlines were being floated around as a way to continue the show without Charlie:

My backstage spies report that CBS network brass just ordered “Two and a Half Men” producers to start conceptualizing their mega-hit show without star Charlie Sheen, and they’re discussing two possible replacements: Robert Downey, Jr. or John Stamos. Meanwhile, writers are feverishly dreaming up story lines crafted to introduce a new star – including one that’s a real giggle: Charlie, fed up with boozing and womanizing, runs off to join a monastery and renounces all worldly possessions. Here’s the kicker: He wills his house to a cousin – not to brother Jon Cryer!

[From The National Enquirer, Mike Walker's column, print edition, March 7, 2011]

Walker went on to write that Sheen had no idea how close he was to getting fired, and we know that ended up being true. If this is the case and they’re trying to come up with some way to film without Charlie using a far fetched plotline it could work. That show has all sorts of dumb implausible plots and somehow it remains the most popular comedy on CBS.

Still, not everyone thinks Two and a Half Men can go on without Charlie. CNN ran a recent story questioning whether this was possible, and they came to the conclusion that the show is probably over once Charlie is off. That doesn’t mean it’s been a bust for them. They quoted talent manager Barry Katz who noted that everyone has made a ton of money thanks to Charlie and would probably do it again. “I think if you were to look at CBS, the production company and all of the executives, and you were to say to them, ‘We are going to hire Charlie Sheen, but let me tell you what is going to happen in the future. In the future, we are going to have a hit show, which is going to make a billion that is going to be spread amongst everybody.

“‘In the ninth and the 10th year, he’s going to have some issues, and there’s going to be some stoppage. ‘He’s going to go away, and it’s going to cost us some money.’ I think every single executive would still sign on to do the show.”

The crew would probably find other jobs if they had this foreknowledge, though. It doesn’t matter how much lip service Charlie pays to his “family” (not the porn stars, the crew. I’m referring to his latest rant), they’re the ones he screwed, not Chuck Lorre.

Oh and that crap that Charlie spouted about getting a job on HBO is of course not true. I also have to mention that he probably wasn’t being anti-semitic when he called Chuck Lorre by “Chaim” Levine, as Lorre calls himself Chaim and Levine is his given name. That doesn’t make the rest of Charlie’s rant any more sane or normal.

Charlie Sheen isn’t content to party with hookers who will inevitably sell him out now matter how much money he pays them. He has to trash his employers for asking him to be keep a lower profile in order to keep collecting a $2 million an episode paycheck. As you’ve likely heard by now, Charlie called in to a radio show yesterday and went on an epic rant. He claimed to be sober, but that was belied by the crap he was spewing, most of which was vile and made no sense. The Huffington Post has quite a bit of Charlies’ rant transcribed in case you find the random verbal diarrhea of an angry addict amusing or educational. (Drugs fry your brain, kids!)

In that rant, Charlie called Two and A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre a “turd.” He claimed he’d “embarrassed [Lorre] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process.” In case that wasn’t enough, Charlie went on to trash Lorre further in another comment to TMZ. He said:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). [Ed note: Lorre's real name is Charles Michael Levine.] He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like. That’s me being polite. these guys told me to ‘clean it up.’ Well this is me cleaning it the f**k up.

All I want is to bring my family together, and I have to deal with all this B.S. politics.

“That piece of s**t [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket.”

You can tell him [Lorre] one thing. I own him.”

Lorre quickly showed Charlie that he was still pulling the strings. A statement by CBS and Warner Brothers was issued shortly afterwards that production on Two and a Half Men was shut down for the remainder of the season:

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of ‘Two and a Half Men’ for the remainder of the season.”

There’s no word on whether Two and a Half Men will come back for another season and I think it’s safe to assume that show is over. No one took money out of Charlie Sheen’s pockets but himself. He’s a mean spiteful addict and he needs help. It’s pretty baffling how he reached this level of success in the first place.

So of course Charlie wrote a letter in response to this news in which he feebly tried to appeal to fans while again trashing the man who made him wealthy beyond imagination.

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…

[From TMZ]

And Charlie told Radar that he’s going to get his own talkshow on HBO. He’s delusional and he probably just cost himself a role in the upcoming Major League sequel. I would say that at least we don’t have to deal with his drama anymore, but like Lindsay Lohan this cockroach will be around for years even when his career and the money have long dried up.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Here’s a link to a photo of Charlie and his three live-in loves

The headline sounds like a joke, only the reality conjures up nasty visions of coke fueled orgies with Charlie’s vacant crazy eyes and gold-filled mouth hanging open. I doubt the guy would be able to spend two days just relaxing at home and watching porn without smoking crack and inviting porn stars over. He needs to be surrounded by women who cater to him, and he needs constant entertainment.

Yesterday we heard that Charlie’s most recent ex wife, Brooke Mueller, has moved in with him, along with their twin boys and a nanny to watch the kids while Brooke gets high with Charlie. Brooke reportedly took Charlie up on his offer to buy her a house in the neighborhood, and is just shacking up with him temporarily while he finalizes the purchase of the home. We haven’t heard whether Denise Richards accepted Charlie’s offer of a house, and she seems too stable and levelheaded to take it seriously. Brooke joins Charlie and two other women, a model and a porn star, in living with him. ET Online has a photo of all of them posing together and both Charlie and Brooke looked cracked out of their skulls.

Charlie, Brooke, the porn star and the model are now all on vacation together in The Bahamas. Charlie reportedly flew them all out there on his private jet a couple of days ago.

I’m a little confused by both Radar and TMZ’s claim that the porn star, Bree Olsen, is Charlie’s girlfriend. I thought the new chick, Bong model Natalie Kenly, was the girlfriend. Since they’re all living and vacationing with Charlie I guess we can assume they’re all girlfriends.

Radar has a new interview with a woman Charlie paid to live with him last year. A very young-looking porn star tells their interviewer that she was with Charlie for four months and that he gave her something like $50 to $75 thousand dollars over that time. He would pay her $3 to $5 k in cash every time they met. It’s pretty dumb to tell that to the press. That money was tax free up until this point. I wonder if Charlie writes it off as an entertainment expense.

Also, Charlie Sheen’s dad Martin Sheen recently compared Charlie’s addition to cancer. He said “the disease of addiction is a form of cancer.” I get the disease model of addiction, I really do, but comparing it to cancer makes light of real diseases. Charlie is not a victim.

These are new photos of Martin Sheen and his son, Emilio Estevez, promoting The Way in London yesterday. Emilio directed the movie, and Martin stars. When The Telegraph spoke to Martin, shockingly (!) they didn’t really want to talk about the movie. Instead, Martin fielded questions about his other son’s breakdown. Although Martin visited Charlie during his brief hospitalization a few weeks ago, it seems like Martin has kind of thrown up his hands about the Charlie situation at this point:

Martin Sheen, the actor, said he is praying for his troubled son Charlie and wants to appear on screen with him again. The West Wing star said the actor, who has fought a well-documented battle with drugs and checked into rehab last month, had the backing of his family.

When asked how he was supporting his son, Sheen replied: “With prayer. We lift him up and we ask everyone who cares about him to lift him up, and lift up all those who are in the grip of drug and alcohol abuse, because they are looking for transcendence.”

Speaking at the UK premiere of his new pilgrimage film The Way at London’s British Film Institute, the 70-year-old – who acted alongside Charlie in the 1987 film Wall Street – said he would be happy to work with him in the future.

“That would be another miracle and we’d look forward to it, very much so,” he said.

In the film – directed by another of his three sons Emilio Estevez – Sheen plays Tom, an American doctor who embarks on the 500-mile Camino de Santiago walk to collect the remains of his dead son. Sheen said the well-trodden route, from the French Pyrenees to Santiago de Compostela in the north west of Spain, was a journey worth taking.

“I think people are looking for transcendence, particularly in the West. We seek to touch the sacred somehow. I think that’s why people use drugs and alcohol, they’re looking for some transcendental experience in their lives,” he said.

The actor and political activist said the current unrest in the Middle East was “a great reflection of dissatisfaction” – and insisted he was proud of how US president Barack Obama was performing.

He continued: “The world’s population is nearly seven billion now and most of them are have-nots. We live in the Western world, we don’t have any way of measuring that differentiation. The world is hungry and the world is in desperate need of justice, of peace, of harmony, of sharing.”

The Way also stars Northern Irish actor James Nesbitt, Canadian actress Deborah Kara Unger, and Estevez, who makes an appearance as the son of Sheen’s character.

“We look at this film like a retelling of The Wizard Of Oz,” Estevez said.

“Martin’s character is Dorothy, Nesbitt’s is the scarecrow, and they’re looking for the wizard – but instead of going to Oz, they’re going to Santiago de Compostela.”

[From The Telegraph]

Damn, Emilio made a movie in which he cast his father as a father whose child has died. Goodness. Timely, I guess. You know… I have sympathy for Martin, I really do. But his comment about prayer reminded me of that joke. A man asked a Jesuit priest what the shortest prayer is. The priest answers, “F-ck it.” Meaning, “F-ck it, it’s in God’s hands.” I believe Martin is praying for his son. But I also think that at this point, there’s isn’t much more for Martin to do other than throw up his hands and give the shortest prayer.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I really don’t know where to begin with the Charlie Sheen stories, so I’ll open with some that speak to his state of mind. Do you remember how Charlie was working on creating a porn star “family”/army by setting up a bunch of high paid hookers in a rented mansion adjacent to his estate? Well it seems that Charlie is moving forward with plan “B,” which involves moving his actual family, i.e. two of his ex wives and his kids with each of them, nearby. Charlie is probably hoping they’ll be a calming influence on him, which worked so well when Denise Richards and his daughters were across the hall when he locked a hooker in the closet at the Plaza. Charlie has reportedly offered to pay moving and living expenses for both Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards so that they’ll all live in his neighborhood with his kids. According to Radar, Brooke Mueller has already accepted. Denise is a more sensible type and is probably waiting anxiously for the other shoe to inevitably shatter.

Meanwhile Charlie is gunning to make a threequel to Major League (he thinks the last Major League 3 doesn’t count). Instead of inviting a bunch of porn stars to come over to his house, he invited a bunch of famous MLB all stars. I don’t follow sports or baseball at and even I’ve heard of some of the dudes that partied at Charlie’s House, including Lenny Dykstra, San Francisco Giants pitcher Brian “The Beard” Wilson, Kenny Lofton, Todd Zeile, and Eddie Murray. Charlie flew them in on his private jet but it’s unclear whether they were paid half as well as some of the hookers he’s employed recently.

The most vocal hooker from Charlie’s last set (that we know of), told Radar that she had a recent abortion, her fourth, and that it could have been Charlie’s since the condom kept failing. She think it’s some unnamed A-list actor, though, who she can’t mention due to a confidentiality clause. It’s likely she has no idea who got her pregnant. She told Radar that her career ambitions include “multiple sugar daddies” so she’s not beholden to any single one of the guys who pays her to wait around to f*ck them.

Oh and Charlie is already back to work and has a trashy new girlfriend/smoking buddy. If she’s as skilled at keeping her mouth shut as his last two wives, he might just marry her. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him do it again.

I watched the last episode of Two and a Half Men online just out of curiosity to check out Charlie Sheen’s health. He really looked bad, thin with ashen skin and I could see that his teeth weren’t real. He looks like such an addict, but that’s the role he plays so I guess it works for him. The show was mildly funny and entertaining but there were plenty of cringe-worthy lines and stupid plot twists. It remains incredibly popular, though, and without Charlie Sheen the show won’t go on.

Creator Chuck Lorre made his feelings known about Charlie’s lifestyle. He has “vanity cards” that he flashes during the end credits for two seconds for each of his shows. The ones he put up this week for both Two and a Half Men, and his show that followed, Mike & Molly, seemed to reference Charlie:

After Two and a Half Men
I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x–rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed. – CLP

After Mike & Molly
He felt dead inside.

No matter how hard he partied, he could never escape that simple fact – inside, dead.

And that was his life.

Running from a feeling.

At least until he could run no more.

Exhausted, spent and beaten, when the end finally came, he welcomed it.

With life ebbing from his wasted body, he was suddenly swept up in a transcendent state of joy that was pure and complete.

Moments later he felt dead inside.

[From Chuck Lorre Productions]

So Lorre is saying that Sheen is headed for a quick death, but that he may surprise everyone and outlive even the cleanest living among us. He’s concerned about the guy, but he also probably hates that Sheen is holding up production on one of his most popular shows.

According to TMZ, Sheen is ok with Lorre’s messages to him, and sees the one after Two and a Half men as “a nice gesture.” There’s a lot of contention on set over the fact that Lorre canceled a scheduled four out of the eight remaining episodes this season out of concern for Sheen’s health.

Meanwhile Nicole Richie was cohosting The View yesterday and when the topic of Charlie Sheen came up she hit the nail on the head. She said that in his recent radio interview, in which he said producers better start work on Two and a Half Men soon because “I unravel pretty quickly,” he wasn’t taking responsibility. Nicole said “I don’t think he should make it somebody else’s responsibility to keep him sober. If he wants [his sobriety] to last for a long time, it’s up to him. He’s an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his actions.” Nicole should know, she had multiple DUIs before she got sober and got her act together.

I’ve been putting off covering this story about Charlie Sheen because I’m so fed up with him. He’s an addict, he makes excuses and denies things and then expects his life to go on as usual as if it’s everyone else’s problem that he’s an addict. That’s pretty much the gist of his call-in interview to a radio station yesterday, in which he bitched and moaned that production is still shut down on Two and a Half Men because he’s ready to go back to work.

Charlie Sheen says he’s all better…for now.

A week and a half after his 36-hour bender — reportedly featuring cocaine and porn stars — landed him in the hospital, the actor wants to get back to work on Two and a Half Men.

Sheen, 45, was a surprise caller Monday morning on the Dan Patrick Show — sounding raspy-voiced and defiant about CBS’ decision to put his hit show on hiatus while he recovers via at-home rehab.

“I just figured I was supposed to go back to work because I’m ready,” the actor explained. “They said, ‘You get ready [and] we’ll get ready.’ And I got ready.”

The father of five blasted the network’s perceived meddling into his “personal life.” (There is a morals clause in his show contract.)

“Nit pick, nit pick, but I don’t think [the clause] covers, ‘Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life,’” Sheen complained. “I have a contract. They said, ‘Get your act together,’ and I did.”

To those skeptical about such a fast turnaround? “I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly,” Sheen warned. “So get me right now, guys. Get me right now!”

What drives him to drink and party? “Boredom,” Sheen said. “Wanting to make things better – whether it’s real or imagined.”

Sheen’s not a fan of 12 Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous either, he said. “I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree,” he said. Calling himself “sober,” Sheen explained, would be “inauthentic –it’s not who I am.”

These days? “I’m having a ball,” Sheen said. “I am enjoying every moment.”

[From US Weekly]

You can listen to Charlie’s interview here. He talks about his bizarre meeting with the UCLA baseball team, during which he told them to “stay off the crack, drink a chocolate milk.” He also claims to be sober, but then makes a bunch of excuses about why he’s still drinking about says that it’s “inauthentic” for him not to be a drunk drug addict.

There were eight episodes left to be filmed for Two and a Half Men this season, but due to the hiatus four have been cut. The crew is pissed off because they won’t get paid for those four cut episodes, and that may be part of the reason why Charlie is so anxious to get back to work. He’s agreed to pay a third of the crew’s salaries during the hiatus, which could run him over half a million dollars. He probably spends that on an average weekend of high paid porn stars and the finest cocaine.

Also, is Sheen threatening producers? He said “I heal pretty quickly. But I also unravel pretty quickly,” as if he’ll go off the rails again if they don’t start his show soon. Production is scheduled to start at the end of February. Somehow this barely functioning addict became the highest paid star on television. Maybe by continuing to talk smack he’ll piss off enough higher ups for them to finally do something about it.

Charlie Sheen is shown in June, 2010. Credit: Fame

I have to admit that I knew that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller weren’t divorced yet, because I pay close attention to these stupid details for my job. It seems like they should have been long over, but given the immense undeserved wealth that Charlie is so intent on squandering there are plenty of details that needed to be worked out. The settlement has been all squared away, and a judge signed off on it but ruled that they won’t be officially single until May 2 for some reason. Brooke has said that Charlie isn’t cheating on her because they’re separated anyway, so it’s not like an officially married status is keeping Charlie from starting his hooker family.

Brooke is going to get $55,000 a month in child support along with a $500,000 signing bonus for marrying Charlie and at least $300,000 extra. (Her prenup stipulates that she gets $300,000 per year of marriage and they were together for over a year.) So Brooke is going to make some money off of this, but considering that Charlie makes $1.2 million an episode it’s not like she’s getting even 7% of his income for one year. (Based on the amount of episodes last year and factoring in child support.)

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Hank Goldberg finalized Sheen’s divorce from his ex-wife Brooke Mueller Sheen, but the pair will not be legally single until May 2.

The actor and Brooke Sheen filed dueling divorce petitions in November, citing Christmas Day 2009 as the day of their breakup. Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen, Colo., that day on suspicion of domestic violence against his wife. He later resolved the case and spent 30 days on probation.

The former couple will split the royalties from baby portraits of them and their twin sons, and the actor will keep his Hollywood Hills home, court records show. The Sheens signed a prenuptial agreement before their May 2008 wedding, which called for Charlie Sheen to pay Brooke Sheen more than $750,000.

The pair will share legal custody of their sons, although physical custody is granted to Brooke Sheen with substantial visitation time allotted for the actor. He is required to pay $55,000 a month in child support, according to the agreement filed with the court.

[From The Huffington Post]

Doesn’t it seem like Charlie treats hookers better than the women he marries? They probably make more per hour, that’s for sure.

There are all sorts of other stories about Charlie. In Touch reports this week that he’s not taking at home “rehab” seriously, no sh*t Sherlock, and that he has those fake teeth over his gold fillings because his teeth are ruined from years of drug abuse. Charlie recently smiled for some paparazzi photos without his fake teeth on and his gold teeth look much better than they did in the TMZ video.

Charlie is expected to go back to work on the Two and Half Men set by the end of the month. He’s offered to cover 1/3 of the salary of the crew, who work as freelancers and go unpaid when the show is on hiatus, in the interim. EW estimates that it will run him around half a million.

If Charlie can hold it together enough to do his job the show will probably go on. His image isn’t even taking a hit from it. A new poll shows that more people think of him favorably after this latest scandal.

Photos are from 2008 and 2009. Credit: WENN.com

America’s favorite cockroach with his cock out, Charlie Sheen, is heading back to the set of Two and a Half Men in just two weeks, according to his hardworking lawyer. We heard this was happening, but there was still the glimmer of hope that Charlie and his many enablers would get the message that an extended stint in rehab was necessary to recover from the scandal of hiring 19 year-old hookers from the “Barely Legal” porn series to hold drug fueled orgies. In Charlie’s case people expect him to be even worse than the character he plays on TV and somehow he’s gotten a pass. The guy did “at home” (read: nonexistent, keep your head down and hire more discreet prostitutes and drug dealers) rehab and he’s going back to work very soon.

The actor’s attorney, Yale Galanter, exclusively reveals to E! News that the actor will be returning to the set of Two and a Half Men before the end of the month.

“We are thinking Charlie will be going back to work two weeks from today,” he said.

Galanter refused to comment on Sheen’s current rehab whereabouts, but he did say, “Charlie is fine healthwise and doing really well. Things are looking good. Everybody’s intentions are to get him back in the swing of things as soon as possible.

And despite recent troubles, Sheen’s family is sticking by him.

“They are a very close-knit family,” Galanter tells E! News. “Charlie has seen all of his kids since he was in the hospital. He is even spending time with the boys today.”

[From E! nline]

I hope “seen all his kids” and “spending time with the boys” means while they’re accompanied by their eagle-eyed mothers. Both Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards have been incredibly quiet during this whole scandal, with Denise simply tweeting that she wouldn’t let an adult film star watch her kids. Charlie pays his ex wives a lot of money to keep his secrets, although the people he pays to f*ck him and sell him drugs don’t give him the same courtesy.