I apologize in advance, but I’m about to lay into Chelsea Handler. I may offend some, and I am sorry. But I can’t stand her. Anyway, Chelsea was dating Animal Planet dude Dave Salmoni for several months, but apparently it’s over now. She made some not-so-cryptic comments about the maybe-split last night on Chelsea Lately. When asked to confirm the split by Us Weekly, her rep farted out some bullsh-t about Chelsea only talking about her personal life on her show – desperate for ratings much? I would like to know what happened, but not enough to watch this racist, unfunny, nasty C-U-Next-Tuesday. Who is “35.”

Have Chelsea Handler and Animal Planet star Dave Salmoni parted ways?

During her monologue on Chelsea Lately Wednesday, the comedienne, 35, seemed to make veiled references to her relationship with Into the Pride hunk Salmoni, 34.

“I’ve decided to consult for other networks,” the E! star joked. “Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated,” she said.

“However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project,” Handler added.

When asked about Handler’s current romantic status, her rep told UsMagazine.com: “She saves all commentary about her personal life for her own show.”

During a July 21 appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Handler confirmed that she was seeing Salmoni. “He’s really cute,” she gushed. “It’s nice to date somebody who can protect you from a bear or a lion.”

Salmoni flirted with her during a July 19 appearance on her show. “It sounds like you’ve been telling people that you’ve given me more than just a kiss,” he said.

Handler ended her relationship with Comcast CEO Ted Harbert earlier this year.

[From Us Weekly]

I have a few theories. One, Chelsea broke it off because he wanted to do something gross, involving her ass, probably. But God knows, maybe she likes that. Second theory: she broke it off because he smelled like one the animals he works with. Third theory: He dumped her for being a rude, obnoxious so-and-so.

Just for the record, the way Chelsea has operated so far is: hookup with the married president of a cable network, breakup the dude’s marriage, begin openly “dating” the guy when his divorce comes through, never respond to the “jokes” about f-cking your way up, negotiate an eight-figure contract with your boss/lover, then dump him after the ink is dry, then hookup with a younger man who works with animals on a daily basis, gushing about him publicly to promote the image of a lusty cougar to sell yourself, your show and your book, then publicly call him out when your relationship is over.

At first I thought Chelsea Handler’s new piece (boyfriend) was the really hot dude on the right that the camera is making love to. But it’s not – it’s the dude on the left, the white boy. This is actually a photo from last week, that’s how nondescript this guy is – no one noticed he was there until more than eight days passed. Anyway, her new guy’s name is Dave Salmoni (which in mind is pronounced “Sam-in-E”), and he’s on the Animal Planet or something. He’s 34 years old. And Chelsea is *snarf, chuckle, cough* 35 years old. I mean, that’s what all of her press says, so she must be 35 RIGHT? I mean, look at her! That’s the face of a 35 year old, of course.

So, basically, this was Chelsea and Dave’s first big public outing, although they began dating back in June, according to reports. She told Jay Leno that “I looked at him and I thought, ‘I would like to get penetrated by that!’ He’s not only good looking, he’s somebody who can protect you from a bear or lion.” Oh, and Dave is Canadian. Does that make a difference?

This is reportedly the first guy Chelsea has dated since her split, earlier this year, with E!’s head of programming, Ted Harbert. Did you know that she allegedly broke up Harbert’s marriage? And did you know that they broke up right after she signed an eight-figure contract extending her show until 2012? And did you know that she’s not really 35 years old?!?

Yesterday we ran a story about some convoluted and frankly dumb comments that Jennifer Aniston made on the red carpet in response to the mini-scandal over Bill O’Reilly disagreeing with a statement she made on single motherhood. I worded the title kind of vaguely, though, and I think a lot of people assumed the story was old as it didn’t get a lot of comments. (As would a story that was titled, say “Aniston makes dumb rambling comments about Bill O’Reilly,” which is basically what she did. I didn’t want people to yell at me though.)

Last night Aniston was on Chelsea Lately. Handler is a buddy of Aniston’s and I’ve noticed that whenever she’s interviewed by someone she knows and/or is comfortable with she does fine and just rolls with the punches. Otherwise she can give kind of halting interviews. She had a lot of fun with Chelsea and together they discussed some of the silly recent rumors we’ve heard about Aniston from the tabloids. I’ve included links to the stories they’re covering in the quoted text below. (Handler’s quotes are in bold.)

You’ve been pregnant like 8 or 9 times this year [in the tabloids]
I think the best was ‘Yes comma, I am having a baby’ [Ed note: that was in OK! and it was an exclamation point not a comma]

You go out to dinner with somebody and then you’re penetrating, or then like you had your trainer living with you so then you’re a lesbian.
Hey that was an original one at least.

So your trainer was living with you?
No!

Because my pilates trainer lives with me and everytime somebody makes fun of me I go ‘Jennifer Aniston lives with her trainer.”
No! That’s sweet!…

Then there was a story about us, that we go work out together at Crunch in West Hollywood, then we have “vodka fueled” fiestas
[Laughs] Why don’t we ever do that?

We will.
Yes, we were going to go out on the town and you decided we were going to go find men together

We were going to go out together and then you blew me off saying you were on a set in Hawaii filming a movie…

What, no “reunion” or “back in touch with Brad” stories? Those are probably bunk too. Aniston also explained how she created her self-named perfume. She said she worked with professionals and smelled different scents for hours at a time until “you’re high as a kite.” When Chelsea asked if Jennifer brought anything in as examples of smells she liked, she said “yeah, I brought like a candle, and a hair serum and a lotion.”

“Cause I read in a magazine you brought a dirty sneaker.”

“Who wrote that is stupid.”

It was a fun interview and I enjoy Aniston when she’s just chatting and isn’t trying to explain some point that’s lost to her. It’s not surprising to hear that so many of the stories about her are false. She only bothers to debunk them when someone asks her or her publicist, but at least she isn’t on Twitter telling us her every move like some celebrities.

The Switch is out this weekend.

In other Aniston news, Kaiser pointed me to these very busted-looking photos of Aniston [via D-Listed], said to be her unretouched Bazaar shoot. She’s normally very pretty, but this light just makes her look awful. I’ll say something nice – she’s not Botoxed to hell at least.

Update: Here are some photos of Aniston outside Good Morning America today. Credit: Fame Pictures

Video via ONTD

Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler are best buds who are helping each other troll LA for eligible bachelors, according to this week’s National Enquirer. I didn’t realize that these two were even friends, but it makes sense. Chelsea, supposedly 35, convinced Jen, 41, to join a gym with her in order to scout for guys, while Jen has Chelsea join her at the dog park with their pooches. The two are even said to host “weekly vodka mixer parties” with instructions to their friends to bring along single guys.

Jen helped Chelsea renovate her new Los Angeles home earlier this year, and now that the home improvement projects are complete, Chelsea has started hosting weekly vodka mixer parties, says the insider.

“For the get-togethers, Jen and Chelsea demand that each female guest bring eligible bachelors to mingle with their other single female friends.”

But the new BFFs aren’t about to stop there in their quest for true love. Chelsea, 35, persuaded her 41-year-old pal to join Crunch fitness in West Hollywood by raving about all the “hot, scantily clad men” that work out there. And Jen pointed out to Chelsea that “men are suckers for cute pooches,” so the women – along with their dogs – have become fixtures at Hollywood dog parks.

Jen and Chelsea are both hoping this new, bold approach to dating will ramp up their love lives.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, July 5, 2010]

I love that idea and it sounds like a lot of fun! Jennifer Aniston was a guest on Chelsea’s show last September to promote Love Happens. (You can watch the video on Hulu here.) They didn’t seem to be friends at that point, at least they didn’t make any references to it, but they did bond over their love of vodka and dogs. Chelsea asked Jen what she drinks to “keep her body like that” because whatever she’s drinking “isn’t working.” When Jen asked Chelsea what she drinks, she answered “I drink vodka.”

“That’s what I drink,” Jen enthused. “It’s clean, clear. No sugar.”

“That’s why I drink it, but it doesn’t seem like the same thing is happening.”

“First of all, you’re crazy. Second of all, how many are you drinking?” Chelsea didn’t answer and Jen went on to tell her that her body was gorgeous. They later talked about how their dogs were super protective of them and followed them everywhere.

These two are a hoot and this story is too much. You can imagine that Chelsea is the forward one helping Jen get out of her comfort zone and meet new men. There are plenty of guys who would like a piece of Chelsea and Jen.

Chelsea Handler, supposedly 35, stars in a sex tape that Radar Online claims to have seen. Given Chelsea’s self professed history, this sounds completely likely, and Chelsea’s rep even admits that it’s his client on film. According to her rep, though, the tape was some sort of comedy bit with simulated sex, only the sex doesn’t look so simulated. Is there anyone else hoping that this is the absolute last we hear of this rumor? You know that Vivid would love to distribute that.

Late night comedy show host Chelsea Handler, made a sex tape – and it’s no joke!

RadarOnline.com has viewed the tape in its entirety and Chelsea stars with a male partner, who speaks with a clear British accent.

Chelsea’s rep Stephen Huvane, when contacted by RadarOnline.com, claimed it was all part of a comedy bit. But viewing the tape makes that explanation unlikely as Chelsea and her partner are both clearly naked, her nipples are visible and the action is clearly not simulated.

The tape, which was made nearly a decade ago after Chelsea moved to Los Angeles starts out with Chelsea turning on the camera in what appears to be her apartment. During the first part of the tape Chelsea is fully clothed in her work uniform. She begins by introducing herself by name before going into a stand-up routine before suddenly cutting to Chelsea and her male partner engaging in an explicit sex act.

Chelsea, who is on all fours on a bed is naked and at several times during the filming she looks directly at the camera. Her breasts are bare and swinging during the sex act. At the end of the “performance” Chelsea’s partner speaks in a clear British accent, asking, “Did we get the (bleep) shot?” Chelsea looks into the camera and smiles at this point. Then the tape immediately cuts back into Chelsea continuing her stand-up routine in her apartment.

Reached for comment by RadarOnline.com, Chelsea’s rep Huvane said: “The tape you have is an old tape that was done for a stand up comedy bit.”

He indicated that Chelsea would address it on her E! show Wednesday night.

But from what RadarOnline.com saw, it’s definitely not a “stand up” comedy bit! And if it’s a routine, it’s the most X-rated routine ever performed.

[From Radar Online]

In the still from the tape available on Radar Online, it looks like a much younger Chelsea pre-nose and eye job. You can kind of tell it’s her but she’s had so much work done it looks like it could be her sister, not Chelsea. That’s some solace at least.

If Chelsea did address this on her show last night it’s not yet online. Neither Kaiser nor I watch this show and I’ve viewed a few clips online but she didn’t mention anything about the tape. I was struck, though, that if it’s that hard to sit through a couple minutes of her comedy routine there would be nothing worse than having to see that interspersed with her having sex.

Update: video from Chelsea’s show: Thanks to reader Jen for this link to a video from Chelsea’s show (below). Chelsea claims the tape was part of a comedy audition she filmed and that someone once tried to blackmail her for $1 million dollars over it. I like how she handled this, but I’m not so sure I’m buying her explanation.

Chelsea Handler is shown signing copies of her book on 4/17/10 and 3/25/10. Credit: WENN.com

Jesse James’ first known mistress, white supremacist stripper/tattoo model Michelle McGee, has been taking to Facebook and Twitter to lash out at her “haters” and prove that she’s the bitter, nasty person we assumed. McGee’s latest target is E! talkshow host Chelsea Handler, who made a relatively harmless joke about the stupid “Pray for Us Sinners” tattoo that McGee has in giant script font across her forehead. Chelsea said “I guess she doesn’t read magazines. Which makes sense, since she basically has one on her face.” In response, McGee made fun of Handler’s “chicken wing arms,” and then Handler took the gloves off.

The war of words began after Handler posted a joke about McGee on her blog, saying, “I guess she doesn’t read magazines which makes sense, since she basically has one on her face.” In Handler-land, that’s about as tame as a joke is going to get, and given the amount of ink spilled dissing McGee since the Jesse James infidelity scandal broke, she should have just left it go.

But she didn’t, of course. Bad move.

McGee responded on her Facebook page, saying, “Chelsea, here’s some free advice: Use some of that Botox from your forehead and put it in your flabby underarm skin. I’ve seen better wings in a bucket of KFC chicken.”…

Handler took to her show last night and dealt McGee a proper smackdown. After cracking a few jokes about dipping her arms in blue cheese, the host got a little hostile: “First of all, look at my forehead, you dumb b***h, okay? It moves. You have a tattoo on your forehead, so you have had a needle in your forehead — and probably Jesse James’ b***s. So shut your face.” Pow!

McGee jumped on Facebook again to post the following response: “In all seriousness, I’m a big fan of ‘Chelsea Lately’… I was laughing my ass off… feel so honored to have a transexual poke fun of me…”

[From Popeater]

I think that Popeater has the timeline wrong on Michelle’s response. She wrote the crap about Chelsea being a transsexual just a few minutes after that crack about her chicken wing arms. McGee has of course responded to Chelsea’s latest response. She wrote on her Facebook page “Dear Chelsea, glad to see my grandma’s old clothes put to good use in your wardrobe. Her mu-mu’s look AMAZING on you. P.S. You need to hire another midget to hold up those saggy boobies of yours…all that breast feeding from Chuy has really taken its toll.” As if this woman should be criticizing anyone’s wardrobe. She’ll be stuck with the same ugly outfit for the rest of her life.

Chelsea should take the high road and not respond again. McGee is just another stripper and hooker in a long line of skanks that James was banging. She’s not even a notable piece of trash.

I know I was talking about my general dislike of Chelsea Handler the other day, but I have to backtrack a little, just because she didn’t come across as unpleasant as she usually does in this new interview in Harper’s Bazaar. Chelsea was interviewed to promote her book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, and they made her pose with Abigail Breslin for the photo shoot. Chelsea is supposed to be Abigail’s put-upon “Handler” in the photo spread. It’s kind of funny. I really like Breslin, and apparently she and Chelsea got along well, so I’ll give Chelsea some credit for not drunkenly mocking a little girl. Well done! My God, the bar is low. Anyhoodle, here are some excerpts from the Bazaar piece (full article here):

Chelsea doesn‘t like an entourage: “Sometimes the publicists are worse than the star,” observes Handler, who has certainly dealt with her fair share of the type. “They really are delusional. That’s why when I hired a publicist, I was like, I never want the type who is going to be such a pain in the ass and treats people terribly.”

More on how publicists suck: “A lot of publicists trade their clients,” Handler continues. “They’ll say you can have this person only if you’ll have this person who’s not as successful or famous,” just like baseball cards, but plus Zac Efron and minus Alex Rodriguez. “If your client knew what you were doing, then they wouldn’t be having you represent them.”

On the personal stories in her book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang: “I don’t get to talk about my personal life enough on the show,” she says. “[The book] is about the embarrassing situations I find myself in.”

On her ex-boyfriend (and current boss at E!, Ted Harbert the current president and CEO of Comcast Entertainment Group): “[Ted] has read the book and signed off on everything, so he should be fine with it,” says Handler, though she does compare him to a “large toddler” in its pages.

On her dad: She details his affairs with his cleaning ladies and his defunct personal hygiene and suggests, not entirely joking, that he should be committed. “[My father] likes to have any attention, whether it’s negative or positive. He is pretty much under the correct impression that he has no say in anything I do and that my childhood was humiliating enough. So it’s payback time,” says Handler. “If he tried to sue me, he’d have to borrow money from me to sue me.”

On Demi Moore: “It’s always nice when you see somebody who’s bigger than life and you meet them in person,” says Handler of Demi Moore (this month’s Bazaar cover star and a recent first-time guest). “You’re like, I wonder what they’ll be like, [and then] they’re totally normal and cool. That’s great.”

On her party-girl image: “I don’t really go out and about at all those nightclubs. I got that out of my system in my 20s,” says Handler, who prefers to hang out at her friends’ houses and “just chill.” “I’m not that into getting my photograph taken. I think people see enough of me if they want to [on TV] every night.” Anyway, she quips, “I can’t afford to get a DUI with the people I make fun of on this show.”

On her work life: “I decided to become a comedian when someone told me you only work on weekends. Turns out they were way off base,” says Handler, laughing. “I work more than anyone in my family, but luckily I now also take better vacations than anyone in my family.”

[From Harper’s Bazaar]

Whatever she’s doing, it’s working. Or whatever. I meant that as in, her book is selling really well and she’s got a contract with E! until 2012. After which she’ll probably regret calling her boss a “giant toddler”. So that probably isn’t working so well, long-term. And whatever the girl is doing with her skin and diet and whatever is not working either, because I’m still not buying that she’s 35 years old. Oh, well.

Photos courtesy of Harper’s Bazaar.

Chelsea Handler is the cover girl for the April issue of Shape Magazine (cover story here). She’s still trying to convince us that she’s in her 30s, too. But whatever, she looks good, although this cover is so overwhelmingly orange, it hurts my eyes. Why do an orange cover when your cover girl is already a shade of orange? I don’t get it.

Anyway, I think the point of this is that Chelsea is in a bikini and we should all want to go on the booze-heavy diet Chelsea’s on so that we can look like that in a bikini. Ah, whatever:

US comedienne Chelsea Handler has revealed how she got her flat stomach without having to give up her favourite cocktails. The 35-year-old funnywoman told Shape magazine: “I told my nutritionist: ‘I’m not going to quit drinking. I love to hang out with my girlfriends and have cocktails and dinner. It’s how I relax’. He explained that calorie-wise, vodka isn’t so bad, as long as you drink it with soda.”

She added: “Knowing I could have a drink made it easier to stick to the programme.”

The stand-up comedian and TV personality shows off her slimline body on the cover of the US fitness magazine, wearing a tiny red bikini and a big smile. The Chelsea Lately host revealed that she hired a nutritionist once she decided to get serious about being healthy, after years of yo-yo dieting.

‘I was born with a French-fry in my mouth,” she said and admitted that she grew up munching on Doritos in between meals. Now the late-night chat-show host has swapped junk food for healthier options and is feeling better for it. But despite all her efforts to shape up, Handler revealed that her family thought she had actually packed on the pounds when they tuned into her chat show.

She said: ‘I went home to visit my family after my show first started and my sister said to me, ‘Oh, you look good. We were going to say something about your weight because you look so big on TV’.

‘And then I looked at their TV and I realised they had it on wide-screen. I’m like, ‘Of course I look big. Take it off wide-screen you losers!”

[From Monsters & Critics]

Personally, I don’t really care for Chelsea because I think she’s too mean, not to mention racist. But whatever. Good for her for trying to be healthier. She’s promoting her new book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. It’s basically a collection of funny essays and comedic bits, and it’s already number one on the NYT’s hardcover nonfiction list, knocking off Karl Rove’s Courage and Consequence, which is pretty hilarious in and of itself. But… is she really 35 years old? You be the judge.

Jim Carrey was on Chelsea Lately last night to promote A Christmas Carol, which was the number one film this past weekend. It will probably continue to dominate the box office in coming weeks, so much so that Jim Carrey probably didn’t need to stop by and talk to Chelsea Handler. I think he probably agreed to do it because Chelsea and Jim’s girlfriend/partner Jenny McCarthy are very close friends, and Jim and Chelsea probably know each socially that way.

Anyway, Chelsea was trying to get Jim to talk smack about other celebrities, and he obliged in a tongue-in-cheek way. I think it’s pretty clear he’s just joking around, but I’m sure some people will be all “Jim Carrey said Angelina was a devil woman, I sar it on the telleyvision.”

Jim Carrey has blasted Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie.

The ‘Christmas Carol’ star appeared on US chat show ‘Chelsea Lately’ stating he wanted to cut some celebrities down to size, branding them “spoiled brats”.

When host Chelsea Handler suggested he start with Tom Cruise, Jim replied: “Oh, set before me a meal – oh my God! A Christmas feast!”

He sarcastically added: “Tom Cruise – let me see – one of the hardest working people I’ve ever seen and, like, a total gentleman and a–hole. What a jerk!”

He was much keener on Chelsea’s next suggestion, Brad Pitt, however.

Jim, 47, jokingly said: “Well you really can’t say anything about Brad Pitt.”

[Then Chelsea says, “Okay, Angelina Jolie!”]

Jim: “Angelina Jolie? Oh yeah, so she’s the problem for sure, we’re ok with him, seriously, because he can do no wrong.”

Jim also said that despite appearing in ‘A Christmas Carol’ as central character Scrooge and the ghosts of Christmas past , present and future, he doesn’t have any paranormal connections himself.

Referring to his partner, model Jenny McCarthy, he added: “I don’t really have that connection. Jenny is very much more connected to the ghostly realm. She sees things every once in a while, she’ll yell, ‘There’s a naked wrinkled man in the bedroom, I think he might be dead and looking for the other side’.”

‘A Christmas Carol’ is in cinemas now.

[From Contact Music]

Okay, I totally couldn’t concentrate on what Jim was talking about because I was so overcome with his lovely beard. Is it just me, or is Jim Carrey really sexy with facial hair? When he’s clean-shaven, I feel nothing for him, not attraction or revulsion. But give that man a beard, and I need to cross my legs. I’m weird, I know. But he’s looking really good to me. Swoon!

Here’s Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy at the London premiere of ‘A Christmas Carol’ held at Leicester Square on November 3, 2009. Credit: WENN.

I didn’t even know Chelsea Handler was going to pose for Playboy, but here you go. She’s the cover girl for the December issue, and Jay Leno “surprised” her with the cover shot last night on his show. By the way, just FYI, Chelsea’s official birthday is February 25, 1975. Does anyone buy that this chick is 34 years old? I think she shaved off ten years, but maybe that’s just me. In any case, no matter her real age, Chelsea does have a nice figure, and she’s shown it off before, like this now-infamous shot of her from an issue of Allure several months ago. Chelsea seemed happy enough with her cover shot (I think it looks cheap, but whatever):

Chelsea Handler’s Playboy cover has been revealed (scroll down below the video for a full photo). Handler, 34, graces the December issue and poses naked inside.

The cover, which Handler had not seen, was revealed to her and to the world on Leno Wednesday night. First the two shared barbs – Handler called him ‘exactly like David Letterman’ when he said she needs a guy to tell her no, while Leno poked fun at Handler’s boyfriend’s age, saying he got the cover by calling Hefner, ’cause he and Ted went to school together.’

With that, a huge blowup of the cover, which features Handler in a bikini and over-the-knee boots, was dropped from the ceiling.

Handler said she quit drinking for ‘like a day and a half’ to prepare, and she works out anyway, so that didn’t change.

[From Huffington Post]

The Ted person that Jay references is Ted Harbert, the CEO of Comcast and Chelsea’s ultimate boss. She’s also claimed that they are living together, so I guess her very nice tatas are getting all kinds of attention, not just from Playboy. Anyway… not the best cover, but not the worst. Maybe I’m kind of “meh” on it because I don’t really care for her.

Playboy cover via NY Daily News