A new article in Vanity Fair features profiles and interviews with some of the guys made famous for dating the tabloid darlings - Paris, Nicole, Britney, Lohan and Mischa. Their small Hollywood circle of debauchery and wasted opportunity is frequently referred to as a high school clique, in which Paris serves as the unofficial head Heather.

Titled “I’m With Her,” the article isn’t about the celebrities’ boyfriends so much as a recap of the shenanigans that we’ve publicly witnessed in the last few event-filled months. Not much was news to me, but it was fun to read a somewhat scholarly take on the fast pace of gossip.

The author, Nancy Jo Sales, details the way that dating a star can skyrocket a guy to fame - with a cost. The guys become known for banging the stars and not for their own maybe-talent. We all know what people said about kept man crap-rapper K-Fed, but he did seem to deserve the jokes at his expense, and he’s recovered nicely now that Britney’s gone down the shitter.

Cisco Adler, Mischa Barton’s goofy looking big-balled ex, is interviewed and comes off as a rather level-headed guy who isn’t too affected by all the talk about him. He says that he didn’t date Mischa because she was famous, and that he was just awed by her beauty. Cisco tells a sweet story about how he used to look at Mischa when she woke up in the morning. He says that his relationship with Mischa was the first time he didn’t cheat on a girlfriend, and that it was all the external factors that go along with fame that broke them up. Cisco also uses the old “they’re young and it’s hard to deal with fame” excuse to explain LohitneyParis’ bad behavior. His ex, Mischa Barton, doesn’t seem to have followed suit, though:

“I’m not some serial star-dater,” he protests. “Mischa’s the most beautiful girl on the planet. Sometimes I would wake up and see her on the pillow next to me and be like, Oooh, there she is …

“It wasn’t us that broke us up, it was all the other shit…”

Cisco says, “Look, they’re young, these girls, and they’re thrown this bucket of shit, and it makes them act kind of weird. If they were all locked in a room together they’d come out the best of friends.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Well maybe,” he says, “if they lived.”

It isn’t easy being a boyfriend of one of these much-sought-after starlets, Cisco says. “There’s no privacy. We were literally running away from paparazzi. They would camp outside my house.” When he’d finally had enough, he ended it, he says. “My dog died of pet-food poisoning, I broke up with my girlfriend, and this picture of my balls turns up on the Internet—that was the cherry on top.” Or maybe cherries.

He wistfully admits he misses Mischa. “I used to be a horrible cheater; in this last relationship I didn’t cheat once, I changed. Sometimes I used to cheat and go back and make love with my girlfriend on the same day! I used to get off on that. I used to think I was so dope.”

[From VanityFair.com]

Other famous boyfriends interviewed include rockers Joel Madden and Pete Wentz, who didn’t acknowledge at the time (the interview was conducted a few months ago) that he was with Ashlee Simpson. He just repeated the claim that he doesn’t think anyone is fully heterosexual or homosexual, and said he was dating a woman and that she was famous.

The interview saves the most famous star-fucker for last, K-Fed. At that point he wasn’t the standout parent in his estranged relationship with Britney, and was just emerging as less of a douchebag. They repeat the story where K-Fed was at a party and asked his next baby-momma to step up. There’s not much original printed from his phone interview, just the fact that he asserts he’s a playa:

“My moms used to call me ‘the Womanizer’ when I was younger. That says it all,” an amiable Federline tells me on the phone from his home in L.A. “I love women. I mean, I love women, you know?”

Maybe K-Fed should talk to Pete Wentz, who has a legitimate music career and is not so quick to assert his heterosexuality. Not that there’s any connection between the two, it’s just kind of jr. high when guys talk about how much they like getting laid.

Interestingly enough none of Lohan’s exes are interviewed, although many of her hookups including Pink Taco CEO Harry Morton and British reality star Calum Best are mentioned. Morton enjoyed a lot of free publicity for his food chain from his very public dalliance with Lindsay. He seems to have got the hell out of there in time to keep his sanity too. That seems to be key to dating one of the three disgraces effectively.

Thanks for Vanity Fair for the header photo, taken by Lohan’s ex, director Brett Ratner, in his disco basement.

Cisco Adler reveals how surprisingly well California medical grade chronic helps you cope with personal scandals. He says it’s not true that he and Mischa broke up over those pictures of him showing his gigantic balls that got out when the Paris Exposed stuff was released. It might have bothered him, you know, yesterday or whatever, but today he figures those pictures were taken in 2001 and he’s proud of what God gave him. Mischa wasn’t thrilled of course, but they’re still together according to their reps:

But that’s not to say that Barton, 21, was thrilled when the revealing picture emerged on the Web site ParisExposed.com – a situation that Adler, 28, refers to as “Ballgate” in a new interview.

“Mischa wasn’t too excited, to say the least,” Adler tells the New York Observer in Wednesday’s issue. “I think it was actually worse for her than for me in some ways. So yeah, I’m gonna try to keep my pants on from now on.”

In addition to the photo, ParisExposed.com displayed other items belonging to Paris Hilton that had been obtained when the contents of a storage unit she’d rented were auctioned off. (After Hilton, 25, sued the site’s owners, a judge ordered it to be temporarily shut down.)

“Paris’ s— got stolen, and somehow she had a picture of me naked in there,” Adler explains to the Observer. “That’s Paris Hilton to you.”

But Adler himself is unfazed. “I think it’s pretty rock ‘n’ roll. You know, if it was like yesterday I would’ve freaked out, but then I looked at the picture and I was like, ‘Oh, that’s from like 2001. Whatever.’ “

I have a newfound respect for the guy after reading his quotes. He kind of deserves to be a psuedo-celebrity known more for dating a TV star than making music, because he sounds moderately intelligent, albeit true to type. His quotes make him seem like a cool guy. He must have just found a new medical clinic willing to fill his prescriptions, because the one he was frequenting is getting investigated by the feds. If he says this shit would have bothered him yesterday, that’s probably why.

Wait - I just looked at those pictures again. That’s not Rock ‘n Roll, that’s asanine.

There are three really rather skeevy pictures of Whitestarr singer Cisco Adler’s giant balls in the contents of Paris’ storage locker that were posted on ParisExposed before it was shut down by popularity and judicial order. In one, Cisco is holding a big bottle of rum and a joint and posing with a do not disturb sign hanging off his manhood. Perez Hilton posted the pictures on his super popular blog without mentioning the source because he’s all up Paris’ skirt and didn’t want to hurt her widdle feelings. (You can also see the main one on IDLYITW.) After that everyone pretty much knew how grotesquely Cisco was hung and how proud he must be of it to routinely pose for pictures for “friends” without his skivvies.

Former O.C. star Mischa Barton is Cisco’s on-again longterm girlfriend, and she is said to have ended it after the scandal of Cisco’s elephantitis hit the Internets:

A source tells Us Weekly the pair parted ways after nude photos of Adler, 28, surfaced on the Web.

This NSFW pic of Adler hanging loose, which turned up among Paris Hilton’s possessions when the contents of the heiress’ unpaid storage locker were posted online at parisexposed.com (the site was later shut down).

Says a source, “They had a blowup. She was furious.”

Barton’s rep had no comment, and Adler’s could not be reached.

The former O.C. actress has been dating the rocker since August 2005

If there’s enough demand I’ll post the incriminating pictures here, because I have one really gorgeous one of Cisco showing his sack to a bemused man on the street that I haven’t seen up yet. I had a whole post on it at one point, but just decided to scrap it as there really is a difference between male and female nudity when you’re looking at a scrotum like that.

Good for Mischa for dumping this guy already, but really what took her so long?

This is the first breakup caused by Paris Exposed. The scandal over Paris’ use of racist and anti-gay epithets while her sister looked on might cost Nicky Hilton a business deal with the real estate developer behind her Nicky O. Miami hotel, which has been delayed by a bunch of other issues including Nicky stiffing the interior designer.

Here are a couple of non-skeevy pics of Adler from Paris’ storage locker:

Mischa Barton’s scraggy on-again boyfriend, Whitestarr frontman Cisco Adler, popped into a West Hollywood medical marijuana facility to pick up his medication for getting through the day while Mischa waited patiently in the car. About ten minutes after he left, agents from the DEA raided the place, since people smoking pot for their ailments are such a threat to society:

Cisco Adler and Mischa Barton came within minutes of being part of a search and seizure warrant being executed on a medical marijuana distribution center on Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood on January 17. Adler’s visit to the center that day was no different than any number of times he visited it. As usual, Cisco, 28, parked his Mercedes on the busy street with girlfriend Mischa, 20, waiting patiently in the passenger seat. Cisco was buzzed in, and after less than five minutes he appeared with a small white bag, and the two drove off.

As they left, the former OC star and her rocker beau failed to notice that two nearby side streets were lined with police cars, and Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) officers wearing bullet proof vests who were preparing to raid the small store front.

Just fifteen minutes after Cisco and Mischa drove off, the agents stormed in and sifted through documents, copied hard drives, and carted away pounds of marijuana and other paraphanalia.

[via ONTD]

Medical marijuana is legal in California, but is still outlawed by the federal government, which is practically owned by the drug companies. Apparently government agencies have nothing better to do than make it harder for cancer victims, glaucoma patients and bored rock stars to get some natural relief.

Mischa recently said that she wasn’t surprised that The O.C. got cancelled because her character was killed off. She then suggested that people were watching the show just for her.

Header picture from D-Listed.