Here’s a photo of Courtney Love trashed out of her mind while exiting the Chateau Marmont on 1/13 because she always keeps it classy. That’s just a precursor for this warning to brace yourselves, for there’s a new “tell all” book about Courtney (aptly titled Courtney Comes Clean) that has been penned by The Fix and is based upon a year’s worth of in-person, phone, and e-mail correspondence with Love, most of which she probably doesn’t even remember.

The book goes into depth about Courtney’s struggles with addiction, her issues with men, and more on the money troubles that we’ve heard so much about already. Below, I’ve included some excerpts wherein Courtney blames a lot of her own crap on other people, including such celebrities as Winona Ryder and Andy Dick, but the book also apparently includes call-outs aimed towards Tom Cruise, Sean Penn, Scarlett Johansson, Kirstie Alley, Harvey Weinstein, Madonna, Oliver Stone, Brett Ratner, and Clive Owen. What could she possibly have against Clive Owen? Obviously, Courtney has tried (and possibly succeeded) to smash with both Stone and Ratner, but Clive wouldn’t give her the time of day. Maybe that’s what she’s upset about, but who knows? Only Courtney, and she’s probably already forgotten. Here are those excerpts:

On her “sobriety”: “I think of myself as sober,” she says, although she admits that her daily regimen of pills wouldn’t pass muster at an AA meeting. “When you’re used to heroin and cocaine, a few pills doesn’t seem like the end of the world. As they say in AA, it’s about progress, not perfection. I mean, abstinence is a nice idea, but I don’t know if it’s right for everyone. Especially for someone who was nursed on a steady diet of Valium and Ritalin from the time I was seven, thanks to my fine mother. I don’t do street drugs anymore. My medications are all legally prescribed by prominent physicians. I’m entirely legal. But the truth is, I’ve never claimed to be anyone’s role model. I’m not Mother Theresa. All I’m trying to do is stay alive.”

On losing it at Pam Anderson’s roast: “That Roast wasn’t a great moment for me. I was doped and dazed, and had lipstick smeared all over my face. I may have even been drooling. But it was all Andy Dick’s fault. He handed me a fat pill right before the show and said, ‘Courtney, here, take this–it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.’ Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few years ago. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick, I ended up getting addicted to benzos again, which went on to plague my life.”

She’s tight with Sam Lufti:
 Love has dismissed many loyal staffers in recent years, including Marie Walsh Dixon, a veteran associate who decamped to work for Frances Bean. Other employees are suing her for unpaid wages. In their place, she has turned increasingly to Sam “Osama” Lutfi, a 37-year-old sober coach who has played an increasingly prominent role in her day-to-day affairs. A swarthy Svengali who once allegedly worked as a private investigator, Lutfi first rose to prominence in 2007 while representing Britney Spears during her much-publicized breakdown. Lutfi insists he has no formal relationship with Love, whom he describes as a friend.

She’s not a Chelsea Handler fan: “I may not like what you stand for, but I do believe in sisterhood,” she [told] Handler, who had recently taken up with Love’s ex-boyfriend, hotelier Andre Balazs. “You don’t want to put gratitude in the hands of a man who doesn’t accept you for who you are and never, ever will…No one in New York City, not even Trump, is despised more! I’m here to serve! Get help and work on your addiction/trauma, Chelsea! The kids call what you’re doing fame-whoring. [Y]ou’re too dumb to get it! Yes I know he’s telling you to take the high road and I’m telling you to take the f&#@ing high road you low-life. GO 2 REHAB!”

Inspector Courtney on fraud: In 2008, Courtney complained to the press that various corrupt lawyers and accountants had cheated her out of $250 million. By 2010, the figure had ballooned to $1 billion. In her quest to unmask the alleged thefts, she engaged a “twitter army” of volunteers who took to the Internet and examined property records to track down suspicious leads. But while some of those volunteers have backed up her claims of fraud, her distractions and failure to pay her employees have stood in the way of real progress.

The crack really helped too: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others. I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a f&#@king whiz at calculus.”

Oh wait, Courtney screwed herself: “Shortly after Kurt’s death, the lawyer who was representing me called and said, ‘Courtney, you have over $7 million coming to you, but you need to give me your Social Security number.’ [I couldn't] remember my Social Security Number, so I had to lie and make one up. My mother, saint that she is, had a million husbands. My brothers and sisters were adopted by one stepfather, then by another. Thank God I was emancipated when I was 15, but ever since then I’ve wandered through life wondering who the fuck I am: Courtney Michelle Rodriguez? Courtney Michelle Menelli? Courtney Love? Courtney Cobain? It’s like, I don’t even know my f&#@ing name! How am I expected to know my Social Security number?”

[From The Fix]

That part about the social security number is particularly interesting because it illustrates that Courtney has dug her own financial hole from the very moment that Kurt Cobain died, and if she’s hanging with Sam Lufti, Courtney is just begging to get ripped off in the future. Of course, Courtney probably thinks that Sam is just “misunderstood” just like she is, but I find it amusing that he is the one trying to downplay their relationship. When Sam Lufti doesn’t want to be professionally associated with you, well, you catch my drift.

The Fix also includes a lot of excerpts on its website about Francis Bean’s deposition that resulted in her emancipation from Courtney. Francis alleges that Courtney took drugs “for as long as I can remember” and often fell asleep while smoking, which lead to her nearly burning the house down on three separate occasions. Francis also claimed that her cat was killed by Courtney’s hoarding habit and that her dog died after ingesting some of Courtney’s pill stash. At one point, Francis also had to deal with talking her mother out of jumping from a balcony, and she grew understandably weary of listening to Courtney rage about fraud on a consistent basis. For us, it was exhausting just to read Courtney’s fraud-related rants on Twitter, but Francis was apparently dealing with a bunch of screaming and paranoia about it in real life. Poor Francis — thank goodness she got away from that mess of a mother.

Courtney Comes Clean is available for download here.

Here’s photos from Courtney with tweaked lips last July at a Valentino-associated museum launch party.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News and WENN

We’ve heard that Courtney Love is being evicted from her $27,000 a month West Village townhouse after failing to pay rent for two months and allegedly wrecking the interior. (You read that right, there’s not an extra zero in there.) The home was restored by an interior designer and was featured in a 2009 issue of Elle Decor. (You can see a slideshow of the original design here. It’s bold contemporary I guess, and it’s not bad but I can see why she would want to soften it up.) Courtney’s landlord told Page Six that Courtney re-wallpapered and painted over several rooms, in violation of her lease which stipulated that the design remain intact. Courtney also set a curtain on fire in her master bedroom, allegedly from a candle. (crack pipe.)

XOJane has a glowing report on how lovely and homey Courtney’s squatter apartment is, after she let their staff use it as an office for a week. They have photos of most of the rooms, and it’s not as bad as I was expecting. The place isn’t trashed, basically. It’s a kind of chintzy eclectic hodgepodge, similar to what you might see at Anthropologie but not as well organized or thematically put together. It’s not my style but it’s not awful either. The best part is the dry erase board of Courtney’s goals, in which she writes that her goals for the next year are earning $25 million, starring in three movies, and earning an Oscar by 2013. She also has several photos of her late husband, Kurt Cobain, with their daughter, Frances Bean. Here’s XOJane’s blurb on Courtney’s townhouse:

You’ve probably been hearing a lot recently about our friend and xoJane Contributing-Editor Courtney Love from several media outlets. A lot of these stories mention Courtney’s West Village Townhouse. Courtney generously opened her home to us this past week to use as an off campus, sort of Pop-Up office. It’s been a cozy, creative laboratory — the vibes here are undeniably GOOD vibes. Courtney said of her home, “listen, there’s no male energy here.” Which, for the record, Bryan and I had zero interest in taking issue with.

We wanted to share with you what’s it been like, so Courtney and I invite you to join us in a photo tour, so you too can experience rooms that immediately put you in a good mood. Courtney’s super-famous-in-his-field realtor, Jared Seligman, declared Courtney’s home as “The epitome of equisite taste” and rattled off with glee “Majorelle, Ruhlman, Chippendale, Willow China, Tiffany China…” Does it look like she “wrecked the decor”? I think not… Hopefully these exclusive photos will help you feel like you’re right here with us.

[From XOJane]

For her part Courtney denies being behind on rent and she also claims that she got permission from the landlord to paint and wallpaper. “My rent is current, but the owner is now asking for the remaining two months upfront. Even though it’s not required, I’d happily pay that and another six months’ rent upfront if she would extend the lease for six months. I have repainted, but I asked permission, and used a painter approved by the owner.” How does this crackhead sound coherent all of a sudden? You know that her spokesperson wrote that and made it all up.

The living room in 2009, Elle Decor.

The living room in 2011, Courtney Love.

Other side of the living room (shows same perspective as Elle Decor) 2011, Courtney Love.

Courtney is shown at Trinity College’s in Dublin, Ireland where she received an Honorary Patronage from their Philosophical Society on 10-18-11. Credit: Fame and WENN.com

These are some photos of Courtney Love in Dublin last month, where she gave a talk at Trinity College’s Philosophical Society and was awarded an Honorary Patronage. While I’m not sure why Courtney was awarded a Patronage, I assume that it has something to do with liquor? Nothing against the Irish, but they do love their alcohol:

And so the cycle continues. It’s things like this Honorary Patronage that allow Courtney to maintain many of her worldly illusions, including her belief that she’ll one day marry a titled nobleman and become Lady Love. In further delusionary news, Courtney has declared to Details magazine that she’s functioning as sobriety coach for Lindsay Lohan. This isn’t the first (or even the second) time that Courtney has taken it upon herself to declare herself a sobriety coach for an infinitely troubled celebrity trainwreck. She claimed to do so for Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton (as detailed below) and also purported to help Pete Doherty kick drugs too so that he could win Kate Moss back (and we all know how well that worked out). Why? Because Courtney sees herself as the “go-to-girl for the publicly humiliated.” That’s right, Courtney Love — advocate for the beleaguered, downtrodden, and drugged-up masses:

Courtney Love has claimed she is Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach.

Courtney has battled a high-profile addiction to drugs throughout her life. She is now clean and has decided to use her knowledge to help other people.

Lindsay’s life has been troubled lately, characterised by trips to rehab and prison sentences. She is now trying to get her life back on track and Courtney has decided to help her.

“I’ve taken up Lohan because nobody else will. She’s further down the line than I was, because there was no [gossip website] TMZ then,” she told Details magazine.

Courtney didn’t reveal any more details of her relationship with Lindsay, and the younger star has not yet commented on the report.

It’s not the first time Courtney has claimed she is helping Lindsay.

Earlier this year, the 47-year-old singer gave an interview in which she alleged she’d helped a number of young stars through addiction and legal problems. She insisted Lindsay once called her for advice after she was arrested, and even claimed she’d helped Kelly Osbourne after an alleged overdose.

“It wasn’t that long ago when Kim Stewart was screaming, ‘Courtney, what are we going to do? Kelly Osbourne is blue on the floor!’ Kelly wasn’t doing that well back then. For some reason, Kim Stewart also called me when Paris Hilton got pulled over for her last DUI. And Lindsay Lohan called me after she was arrested. The judge presiding over her case was the same judge who presided over mine. He was a very sweet man. I think he was an ex-alcoholic himself. I told Lindsay to just get it together and trust the judge, and Lindsay’s father called me for advice every day. I’m not even that friendly with these girls. What am I, a junkie Auntie Mame?”

[From Independent.ie]

As hilarious as the prospect of Lindsay seeking guidance from an equally cracked-out, washed-up mess sounds, I honestly doubt the veracity of this story. I mean, Courtney probably believes that it is true, but whatever. Courtney namedrops everyone. She’s worse than Gwyneth at the practice. In fact, Courtney is the only person who namedrops Gwyneth and not the other way around. To hear it Courtney’s way, every user of illegal drugs probably has her number on speed dial. Never mind that neither Kelly, Pete, nor Paris has ever acknowledged Courtney as their Patron Saint of Sobriety.

Seriously though, Courtney is a wreck in all areas of her life and has no business “coaching” anyone at anything. Even when she is allegedly sober, she comes off as being on some really good sh-t. In other words, the notion that Courtney being a sobriety coach for virtual hire would probably arrive as news even to Lindsay Lohan:

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

Here are some new photos of Courtney Love leaving The Groucho Club in London last night. Is she molting? She looks like she’s molting. MOLT. Sorry, I love that word and I so rarely get to use it. Anyway, remember how we talked about Courtney Love’s Vanity Fair interview (excerpts) last week? Well, my copy of VF came Tuesday, and that night, I curled up to read the whole magazine cover-to-cover, which is one of my favorite monthly rituals. I was enjoying all of the financial coverage (the article about municipal bonds and California’s financial crisis is especially good) when I came upon the Courtney piece. I began reading, and I had to put the magazine down after two minutes because Courtney was pissing me off so much. In the beginning of the piece, she’s going on and on about how she’s going to become “Lady Love” by finding some English nobleman to marry. The crazy bitch carries around a copy of Debrett’s Peerage and she’s actively trying to attach herself to someone rich and titled. She seriously thinks this is going to happen for her.

In other “Why is she still talking?” news, Courtney talked about the first time she and Kurt Cobain boned:

In the soon-to-be released book, “I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution,” authors Craig Marks and Rob Tannenbaum, interviewed more than 400 people to rediscover the “golden age” of music videos made from 1981 to 1992.

In an except from the book, printed by New York magazine about the behind-the-scenes of Nirvana’s first video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” singer Courtney Love recalled the first time she and late husband, Kurt Cobain slept together.

“The first time Kurt and I slept together was at a Days Inn in Chicago,” she explained. “We were having our first post coital moment, and we’re watching MTV and the video [Smells Like Teen Spirit] came on. I pulled away from him, because it was his video, his moment, he was the king of the f**king world, and he put his arm around me and pulled me closer. Which was symbolic, like, ‘I’m letting you into my life.’ That really endeared him to me.”

The singer confessed the next time she saw the video with Kurt was at the Omni Northstar Hotel in Minneapolis.

“I’d flown there to f**k Billy Corgan, who still had lots of hair. I didn’t even know Nirvana were playing that night,” Courtney explained. “Kurt and I wound up at the Northstar, and our daughter, Frances, was basically made that night.”

Love and Cobain were married in Hawaii on February 24, 1992 and welcomed their daughter Frances Bean, on August 18th.

[From Huffington Post]

Seriously, who didn’t Courtney Love bone in those days? She slept with Kurt, Billy Corgan, Gavin Rossdale… didn’t she also do Trent Reznor? She probably did some of the dudes in Pearl Jam and Soundgarden too. Maybe she made her way through Alice in Chains as well. The way Courtney has been talking about Kurt recently (like, over the past year) has made me come to the late-to-the-party realization that Kurt was simply a weaker personality who allowed a stronger personality (Courtney) to dominate him. Weird.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

In the new issue of Vanity Fair (the one with “rape victim” Johnny Depp on the cover), Courtney Love sits down for another exhaustive tell-all interview. To give C-Love credit, she’s a great interview, and she works hard to give good quotes. Now, Courtney gives these great interviews to everyone. She doesn’t play games like most celebrities, like, “I’ll only give my exclusive to Vanity Fair or Vogue.” Just a few months ago, Courtney gave a massive, exhaustive, hilarious and frightening interview to The Fix – which I read almost all of, so pardon me if I don’t think VF managed to get some elusive C-Love quotes. Anyway, here’s what VF has released thus far:

“Mad? Ya think?! If he came back right now I’d have to kill him, for what he did to us. I’d f–king kill him. I’d f–k him, and then I’d kill him,” 47-year-old Courtney Love shouted at Vanity Fair contributing editor Nancy Jo Sales, asked if she was angry with her husband, Kurt Cobain, for killing himself. “He tried to kill himself three times!” And then there were the drugs. “He OD’d at least five times. I was the f–king E.M.S. I was always sticking pins in his balls. I carried around Narcan!”—a drug used to jolt OD-ing heroin users back to life.

At the singer’s rented West Village town house, Love shows Sales a book from her estranged daughter Frances Bean’s “hope chest.” “This is her diary,” Love explains. “I just want you to look at this one page,” which contains a list titled, “Things That Make Me Smile.” Love, distraught, asks Sales, “Why am I not on it? Why doesn’t she put ‘watching old movies with my mom’?” Frances Bean emancipated herself from her mother two years ago, a decision that is clearly still bewildering and hurtful to Love. “All I can feel is how much I love her,” Love tells Sales. “I’d give anything to hear the sound of her heels walking down the hall past my bedroom.”

The relationship between Love and her daughter has been rough from the start, as Frances was placed in protective custody when she was born. “There were no drugs in my urine, no drugs in her urine when she was born,” Love says. She laments a number of her parenting failures, such as Frances’s inability to read until she was seven: “It was my fault! I never read to her! … Why didn’t I ever take her to a Broadway show? She f–king loved those Broadway musicals!”

There were times when, Love says, her daughter was teased by other children; “They called her ‘crack baby.’” Love also says Frances’s disappointments in show business came early, not just when she didn’t get the part of Sandy in a theater-camp production of Grease, but when agents and producers Love had contacted wanted Frances to do only racy roles. “That’s not who she is. It freaked her out. She wanted a Zoey 101 [the canceled Nickelodeon tween show] or something.”

Frances’s lawyer, Bryan Freedman, said in an e-mail to Vanity Fair that “the statements about [Frances’s] schooling are inaccurate…. The statements about her career desires, theater camp, show business, Nickelodeon, and the scripts are not accurate.”

The “hope chest” sits in Love’s room, among stacks of papers related to “the fraud,” a matter that consumes her attention whenever she isn’t talking about her daughter. Love contacted Sales after reading her January Vanity Fair story on the actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, who allege that they have been defrauded and targeted for murder. “They make me look sane,” says Love. She hoped Sales might help her figure out what had become of her lost Nirvana money (more than $250 million, she claims).

“What’s heartbreaking to me,” says Jonathan Daniel, Love’s music manager, who grows impatient at any mention of “the fraud,” “is that she’s very capable of earning seven figures easy without any help from Nirvana right now, but it’s hard for her to work or for others to want to work with her when she’s so consumed with fraud.” Love’s home, Sales discovers, is command central for research on “the fraud.” Miscellaneous assistants make copies and send faxes related to “the fraud.”

According to Love, the money problems existed even when Kurt Cobain was alive. “We could never find our money!” she says. “We had $135,000 in our bank account. They said that if he would go do Lollapalooza he would make $11 million… Do you think Kurt would have killed himself if he had known he had $54 million?” That figure is based on research done by Love’s Twitter Army, her online fans and believers who are determined to get to the bottom of “the fraud.”

“They won’t be happy till I’m dead!” exclaims Love, of no one in particular.

[From Vanity Fair]

So… is it sad? I think VF is trying to evoke sympathy over the pathetic state of Courtney Love and her damaged mind and body, a mind consumed by imagined conspiracies, a body hurt by addictions and surgeries and abuse. But I don’t feel sad. Mostly because Courtney is a survivor, in the best and worst ways. And she’s too crazy to die, you know? Some people can live on crazy for years, decades even.

The Frances Bean thing is always interesting, because whenever Courtney starts ranting about her daughter, you start to realize just why Frances got the hell out of there. Hopefully, the Bean ends up being a lot healthier than the sum of her parts (her parents).

Photos courtesy of VF and WENN.

Last night, in New York, Wendi Murdoch (above) hosted a screening of a film she has produced called Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. It’s a film about two women in 19th century China, and it actually seems like it will be an interesting movie. If you don’t know by now, Wendi Murdoch is the current wife of Rupert Murdoch. Rupert very publicly dumped his second wife, Anna, and took up with Wendi. Anna got a divorce settlement rumored to be in the BILLIONS of dollars, which always made me think that Wendi must really be quite a woman, if Rupert was prepared to give away so many of his assets to marry her. Anyway, Rupert is in the center of one of the biggest scandals to ever hit the UK (and we’re importing it in America too), so it’s very interesting to me that Wendi called all of her celebrity friends and they all came running to support her film.

… Like Nicole Kidman, who is reportedly the godmother to Rupert and Wendi’s two daughters, Chloe and Grace. Nicole’s dress is Elie Saab, and that’s quite a lot of red, isn’t it? Red hair, red dress, red lips. I kind of like it, though! And Nicole has officially gained some “happiness and I don’t care anymore” weight. And it looks AMAZING on her. Chica’s got back.

Courtney Love in whatever (I can’t find who made the dress). I feel like her nipples are two seconds away from assaulting me. That being said, the face looks pretty decent. Must be the chanting.

Olivia Munn in an ill-fitting Walmart dress. How budget does she look? Even C-Love looks more pulled together.

Ivanka Trump looks GREAT. She looks really healthy and beautiful. Love this dress on her too.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

There’s some buzz over photos of Heidi Klum looking almost emaciated in a curiously cut turquoise dress, to put it nicely. In these photos, on ICYDK, you can see Heidi’s protruding rib bones and very thin arms. In other photos, the ones we have here, Heidi looks thin but normal. She seems a bit thinner than she usually looks but it’s not alarming or anything. Remember when Heidi gave advice about aging to not be “too thin, and have a little meat on your bones“? That’s obviously relative in her business. Heidi explained in Self magazine last fall that “being gaunt in the face… makes you look older by 5 or 10 years.” Heidi has been running this summer and blogging her progress on a new lifestyle website she’s launched, so that’s possibly why she’s dropped some weight.

To me the real story is this God awful draped turquoise dress she’s wearing at the amfAR Inspiration gala in New York. She was there to help honor Project Runway judge Michael Kors, and it’s safe to assume this dress is his design. I couldn’t find this exact dress in his Fall collection, but it looks like several other low-cut draped pieces he’s designed. At least she chose this dress with a skirt and not the version with harem pants. Heidi also wore a similarly questionable Kors outfit in April, a tan belted jumpsuit with a low-cut front. She was just as thin then I see.

Also at the AMFAR gala was Ke$ha looking drunk in usual and in need of a hairbrush, shampoo and some pants. I can’t hate on a girl who makes the best workout music ever though. (RPM #47 and #48 FTW!)

Jennifer Hudson wore a tight white dress and earned that Weight Watchers money. She looks amazing.

Beth Ostrosky is just too busy in that dress. That print is best for an accent piece or a small surface area, not an entire dress. What’s going on at the crotch area? It’s got a trompe l’oeil chastity belt.

Supermodel Alek Wek with Italian ballet dancer Roberto Bolle. That dress is too low on her chest, not to mention the design. It looks like it’s unraveling.

Courtney Love brought the Cray-cray in a Miss Havisham number. She performed at the show.

And Olivia Palermo takes the fug cake in this puffed polka dot mullet dress with a beige jacket. I don’t know who she is, but I guess she was in The City.

Photo credit: WENN.com

I’ve been eying this damn Courtney Love interview for days. I didn’t even want to get started on it, because Courtney is a cesspool of delusion, drugs, alcohol, chanting and insanity. CB and I were just debating what’s wrong with her, and whether she’s ever really had a moment of lucidity at any point over the past decade. According to Courtney, she’s totally fine. According to CB, journalists help enable Courtney’s issues by making her sound lucid. According to me, Courtney is a pit of despair, hyper-narcissism and crazy. If you’d like to read her full interview at The Fix, go here. Supposedly, the interview is all about her sobriety. FOR REAL. Here are some highlights:

CL on drugs: “I’ve been maligned as this drug freak for years, and I’m getting tired of it. That’s not the way I live anymore. Obviously I’ve had a lot of issues in the past, but that was years ago. Since then, I’ve worked really hard to get myself together, but for some reason I’ve remained a punch-line. You know, I try to work a good program. I don’t do smack. I don’t do crack anymore. I’ve never taken Special K or Ecstasy. I’ve been tempted, but every time I’ve wanted to try Ecstasy, I was talked out of it. I did do M.D.M.A., however, a very long time ago. I’ve always been an early adapter. But I still can’t escape the stigma for some reason. Even people like Kelly Osbourne feel free to f-ck with me. A few nights ago, when she appeared on Fashion Police with Joan Rivers, the bitch called me a crackhead.”

CL on Kelly Osbourne (and other celebrities): “She called me a crackhead! That’s what my sister told me. I don’t know. I didn’t want to go YouTube it—it would piss me off too much. But we’re talking about f-cking Kelly Osbourne, you know? This is a girl whose life I have saved twice, once with C.P.R. and another time with C.P.R. and violence—by which I mean I had to poke her furiously in certain places to wake her up from her coma. When Kelly was on X Factor, her mother had to pay a P.R. guy in the UK 100,000 pounds a month to cover up her daughter’s drug problems. She’s been sober for how long? Less than a year? Good for her! But it wasn’t that long ago when Kim Stewart was screaming, “Courtney, what are we going to do? Kelly Osbourne is blue on the floor!” Kelly wasn’t doing that well back then. For some reason, Kim Stewart also called me when Paris Hilton got pulled over for her last D.U.I. And Lindsay Lohan called me after she was arrested. The judge presiding over her case was the same judge who presided over mine. He was a very sweet man. I think he was an ex-alcoholic himself. I told Lindsay to just get it together and trust the judge, and Lindsay’s father called me for advice every day. I’m not even that friendly with these girls. What am I, a junkie Auntie Mame?”

Back to Kelly Osbourne: “After Kim Stewart called I rushed over to help her—she was lying unconscious in the bathroom at Rod Stewart’s house. I reached into her massive boobs and I pulled out a tennis ball filled with a substantial amount of blow and 80 milligrams of Oxy. I tried to flush everything down the toilet. But there was a person there who begged me to keep the drugs so we could use them later. I was like, “No, no, the drugs must be flushed! The West Hollywood sheriff is outside. So, it was kind of upsetting to hear that she was trashing me on national TV. Apparently, Joan Rivers ran a red-carpet clip of me on Fashion Police, and Kelly Osbourne kept saying I looked like a crackhead, which was really strange, because she knows perfectly well that I haven’t touched a narcotic since 2005. In fact, I was wearing a glamorous Givenchy gown that was sent to me personally by the head of Christian Dior. I looked impeccable in every way. And I was sober as a judge.

On her addictions: “Yeah, I’m definitely an addict. Maybe [an alcoholic]. But I don’t really think so. I raise my hand at A.A. meetings, but I have never finished a full beer in my life…. Not long ago, I went to this place in Malibu where you can get fresh fish and chips, and ordered a Japanese beer, and sat and watched the sun go down, and I couldn’t finish it. My addiction is just about feeling comfortable in my own skin. I don’t like losing control. You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I’d like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I’m not kidding you. Everyone!

Prescription drugs: “Well, for the past few years I was taking lots of Adderall, a drug that was legitimately prescribed to me by a respectable physician. But after Britney freaked out a couple of years ago, and her toxicology report said she was taking a much lower dose than I was, I decided to get off that sh-t. I knew I had to work a serious program again.”

The difficulty with full-blown sobriety: It’s complicated. I was arguing with some guy the other day—a sober scion of a very wealthy English family. He’s always righteously lecturing me about abstinence, abstinence, abstinence. After a few hours of this I got angry and screamed, “Get away from me you dumb British f-ck! You probably were just out chasing the dragon!” I mean, abstinence is a nice idea but I don’t know if it’s right for everyone. Especially for someone who was nursed on a steady diet of Valium and Ritalin from the time I was eight, thanks to my fine mother.

On being virginal about drugs: You know what’s funny? People in the flyover states tend to think that all the celebrities on both coasts are constantly high. They think that we’re all on some uber-drug. But the thing is, they’re kind of right. But somehow most of them manage to function, more or less. The biggest celebrities and movers and shakers I know are also some of the worst alcoholics and drug addicts. But you’d never know it by looking at them. Now that I’m trying to stay sober, I try my best to stay away from that crowd, but it’s not always easy. These days, I’m very virginal when it comes to drugs.

On boyfriends: Shut Up! I’m trying to get it together. It’s no secret that I’m looking to fall in love again. I’d like to find a guy who’s more settled and older. But I still have some standards, you know. I’m an alpha female, so I can’t have a troll for a boyfriend…. I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I’m a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. Actually, these days I’m only interested in plutocrats. Like really, really rich guys. I’m determined to land one sooner or later. My favorite book these days is something called The Official Filthy Rich Handbook, which I study like the Talmud. The thing is, I think I can be a real asset to a wealthy man. I’ve always been a great girlfriend, but until recently I’ve struggled to stay single, because I had never been without a boyfriend before. It’s just my nature to couple up. I’m not saying that I’m completely monogamous—I’m too much of a libertine for that. But I’ve always craved real relationships. I did really well with the boys for a while. But then I developed this reputation as a crazy drug addict and a lot of men were turned off by me. Even now, in New York, my reputation is still pretty shitty. People still think that I’m the same sad skank I was in 2005.

Courtney on her “bottom”: “No, my bottom was snorting blow up Pamela Anderson’s ass! [laughs] Actually my real bottom was buying my pharmacists on both coasts wide-screen plasma TVs for Christmas! The Pam Anderson roast on VH1 wasn’t a great moment for me, either. I was a mess. I had lipstick smeared all over my face. I was doped and dazed. I may have even been drooling. But it’s all Andy Dick’s fault, really. He handed me a pill right before the show and said, “Courtney, take this, it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.” It fucked me up bad. Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few months earlier. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick I ended up accidentally getting addicted to benzos, which went on to plague my life.

[From The Fix]

That Pamela Anderson roast was 2005. And Courtney is a mess. Just an absolute mess. I can’t even count or detail all of the contradictions in Courtney’s “I’m SO SOBER, SLUTS!” argument. At one point, she’s even whipping out all of her prescription pill bottles for the interviewer – who is allegedly writing about how Courtney is SOBER. Good God.

Oh, and in case you wanted to know, Courtney says Kurt Cobain was hung like a horse. Who would have thought? Ugh.

UPDATE: The Fix put up Part II of the interview. Go here to read it. There’s some stuff about Gwyenth: “For some reason I don’t have the sense of self-preservation that other people do, which hasn’t always won me a lot of friends. But as Gwyneth once said to me, ‘Once you’re A-list, you’re always A-list,’ and I try to remember that.”

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Last night was the big AmFar gala at the Cannes Film Festival, so we’ve got lots of good photos and hit-or-miss fashion for you today. I’m splitting up the fashion into two posts, so we can talk about everybody that we need to. First up: The AmFar Crasher. I don’t know if Courtney Love actually crashed the gala mind you, but judging from the photos, it seems like she might have. Her face actually didn’t look bad, but the rest of her is a mess. I wish Court would decide who she is, what image she wants to give people. Does she want to be the grizzled rock star? The aging diva? The Beautiful Star? I think she wants to seem like all of that, and then some, which is why we get this mess. Courtney trying to sweet-talk Karl Lagerfeld, who isn’t having it. Courtney tripping over herself, her boobs hanging out. It’s all kind of gross. The dress is Givenchy, by the way. Never would have guessed that.

Next: Doutzen Kroes and her lover/baby-daddy. Kroes was one of the few girls to go short, and she was one of the few to do a bold color. I don’t think the dress itself is all that stunning, but Doutzen doesn’t need much to be magnificent.

Janet Jackson was one of my best-dressed ladies of the evening. I love this two-piece Haider Ackermann, and I think this looks absolutely gorgeous on Janet. She’s covered up, but the hint of cleavage is super-sexy, and her hair and makeup are gorge. Take notes, Courtney Love.

Donatella Versace! In Versace, I’m assuming. Orange skin, white-blonde hair, yellow dress. Sure. She’s like really gross yogurt.

Uma Thurman in Chanel… magnificent. Her last attempt at Chanel was really unflattering and fug, but this is so gorgeous.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

There was a blurb yesterday in the NY Post that had cuckoo Courtney Love’s response to the news that Ed Norton, 41, had proposed to his girlfriend of six years. Apparently Norton proposed on a trip to India three weeks ago and this is the first we’ve heard about it. Norton used to date Courtney back in the 90s when they did The People vs. Larry Flint together. I guess they’re still friends because Norton was investing Courtney’s money for her and she was raging about it or something. Well Courtney wants to remind us that she dated the guy, and she was gracious about his engagement. I’m sure her remarks are translated to non-crackhead speak in order to make them fit to print.

Courtney Love was shocked by Edward Norton’s engagement to his longtime girlfriend, film producer Shauna Robertson. Norton proposed to her in India three weeks ago but news hadn’t reached Love — who dated Norton in the late ’90s after they starred in “The People vs. Larry Flynt.” At the Cinema Society screening of “Meek’s Cutoff,” Love told us, “Wow, it’s about time. He’s 41, they’ve been together for six years. He needs to have babies. I wonder what kind of ring he got her? He bought me a ruby.” Love flattered Norton, saying, “He has great character. He’s very political. I see him being a senator one day.”

[From The NY Post]

It’s too bad for Robertson and Norton that the news of their engagement is being released through a comment by one of his cracked-out exes. He also dated Salma Hayek but I guess she was too busy counting her diamonds to go to an event where someone could ask her about it.

The last we heard of Norton he was getting dumped by Marvel in a would-be reprisal of his role as The Hulk in the upcoming Avengers. They issued a bitchy statement about it suggesting that Norton was difficult to work with, and then they replaced him with Mark Ruffalo.

Norton also co-founded a social networking charity website called Crowdrise last year. He may have been in India with his girlfriend doing charity work. Congratulations to Ed and Sauna! Sorry we had to find out the happy news from Courtney Love.

Shauna Robertson is shown in 2008. Credit: PRPhotos. Ed Norton is shown on 10/28/10. Credit: WENN.com