Ultimate stage mom Dina Lohan was at a Carvel ice cream outlet to pick up a cake for her son’s birthday when the cops were called and a police helicopter (allegedly) began circling overhead. For those of you not from the Tristate area, Carvel is an awesome chain known for its delicious ice cream and fabulous ice cream cakes, most notably Fudgie The Whale. (My mom grew up on Long Island and we always get Carvel when we visit. Even the fat free ice cream is so tasty.) It all went down like this: Dina tried to get the cake for free by proffering a black “free ice cream for life” card that was in her daughter Ali’s name. The clerk confiscated it and called the cops when Dina couldn’t produce ID to show that she was Ali Lohan. In retelling this story, Dina conveniently forgets to recount the enormous fit you know she threw when she was told she would either have to pay for the cake or leave without it.

The best part of this story is when Dina whines that life is so unfair for her family.

Lindsay Lohan’s mom was out and about in East Meadow, New York, on Wednesday when she stopped by a Carvel Ice Cream store, to buy a cake for her youngest son Cody’s 14th birthday celebrations.

But that’s when things went like a banana split, Dina said.

While at the counter, the high-profile mom said she produced a special Carvel promotional ‘Black’ card — akin to a Black American Express Card in the ice-cream stakes.

It’s then the store employee went ballistic, according to Dina, who dished the scoop to RadarOnline.com.

“The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’” Dina said.

“Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake!

“This guy was crazy!”

The Carvel ‘Black’ card is the ultimate status symbol of ice-cream.

Dina explained she and all the Lohans have ‘Black’ cards, gifting them free ice cream for 75 years.

However, her mistake was: she picked up 16-year-old daughter Ali’s card.

“I didn’t think it be a problem,” Dina said.

“I couldn’t believe this guy… it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it.

“Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card — and for what? Over a free ice cream?!”

A humiliated Dina said she explained the situation to the cops.

But when the men in black asked the Carvel employee to return Dina’s card, he wouldn’t budge.

“He wouldn’t give it back… not even to the cops!” Dina joked.

“Finally he gave up and gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’

“It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people.”

It would seem that the big loser in the fiasco was the birthday boy, who was denied his favorite ice cream cake.

Now Dina is going to make Carvel pay.

“Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this,” she said.

“When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!”

[From Radar Online]

So the Lohans “get treated so much worse than regular people.” Dina is so narcissistic, she’s forgetting the fact that her entire family gets free ice cream for life. I hope that Carvel revokes their black card privileges once Dina shows up there a few days in a row to pester the guy for not giving her a free cake. Just like all the clubs and events denying Lindsay entrance, Carvel will ultimately get more publicity for turning away the Lohans rather than continuing to feed their delusions of grandeur.

Dina Lohan is shown out visiting a lawyer with Lindsay on 05/04/10. Credit: Fame Pictures

Last Friday, we heard that Lindsay Lohan’s assistant/minder Elinore quit abruptly. My thought was that Lindsay must be even more of a f-cking diva mess when she’s relatively sober, and that the assistant must have had a much easier time handling Lindsay’s self-perpetuating drama when she’s f-cked up. The reasons TMZ provided at the time were that poor Elinore was exhausted, and that she’d had enough of Lindsay’s demands – oh, and Lindsay wasn’t paying her that much either. In the cold, sober, light of day, it turns out that someone working barely above minimum wage was the thin line between Lindsay’s cracked-out shenanigans and total chaos. TMZ reports that Lindsay is at the beginning of “a total unravel.” Um… you mean she was “raveled” before?

The woman who just quit Lindsay Lohan was not just an assistant — she was her lifeline — and LiLo’s friends are worried this is the beginning of a total unravel.

Friends of Lohan tell us Lindsay is going to have a hard time finding anyone reliable to sign on, and without an assistant she will never keep the appointments that could make the difference between freedom and jail.

For starters, Lindsay is legally prohibited from driving and relies on her assistant to take her here and there — including her alcohol ed courses.

We’re also told Lindsay is incredibly disorganized and can’t function without someone leading her by the nose. She seems incapable of scheduling meetings, doctor’s appointments, or work projects.

Bottom line … for us an assistant is a luxury. For Lindsay it’s make or break.

[From TMZ]

Yes, I can believe it. Even somewhat sober (debatable), Lindsay mind is crack’d. That’s the only way I can think of to describe it – she just seems like she can barely function in general. Maybe it’s just because I couldn’t imagine living like that, in perpetual drama, always f-cked up, drugged up, drunk, hysterical, crazed, narcissistic, and convinced of her own blamelessness. Oh… and now that Lindsay doesn’t have someone to drive her everywhere and put her into bed, do you think she’ll get behind the wheel again? Something tells me she will.

By the way, I mentioned yesterday that Lindsay and Gerard Butler were at the same pool party. Well, they made physical contact with each other – there are photos of the two of them embracing. Look at the photos here and tell me you didn’t just hear a million Centers for Disease Control hotline phones ringing.

Header: Lindsay on June 6, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Kelly Bensimon is still batsh-t crazy, just FYI. If you happen to run into her, don’t meet her eye, don’t turn your back, but just back away slowly and find the nearest police officer. Either that, or Stop, Drop and Roll. I forget. So ever since Kelly’s televised meltdown hit the airwaves of Bravo a few weeks ago, most people have been like, “Seriously, this bitch needs to get a grip… of a board-certified psychiatrist.” Last week, Us Weekly even ran an interesting story about what happened behind-the scenes on that trip to St. John: basically, Kelly was nutburgers and sat on her bed, rocking and crying, telling producers, “Bethenny wants to kill me.”

But Kelly still doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her, of course. It’s everybody else. Everybody else has the problem. Not Kelly. But Kelly has the solution! She recorded what Gawker is referring to as “a homemade after school special-style PSA to explain it all away.” Kelly’s message? She was bullied, and everyone should be aware of bullying!

At some point, when you’re sitting down to record a budget PSA on an ugly chair, sitting in what I think is probably Kelly’s Lair of Crazy, and yammering on about bullying, don’t you know that, at some point, you ARE in fact crazy? Or, as Gawker puts it:

Yes, she was a victim of terrible, terrible bullying, presumably at the hands of all the other mean old Housewives. That’s why she’s been doing strange fever-dances and yelling at trees all season long. We realize that by posting this we’re just feeding into her masochistic desire for attention, but we feel you could all benefit from the video’s healing message: Never gang up on a person who’s having “an episode” because they’ll later make a PSA about it and you’ll probably have to watch it. The more you knowwwwwww.

[From Gawker]

In other RHONY news, Sonja was arrested for DWI on Memorial Day. She refused to take a Breathalyzer, always a good sign. Drunk bitch. She could have killed someone.

Kelly on May 2 & April 5, 2010. Credit: BRJ & RAM/Fame.

Before I get into the strange National Enquirer story about Tom Cruise, has everybody seen this video (below)? Tom and Robert Pattinson doing a promo for the MTV Movie Awards, and it’s actually really funny! Tom goes back into character as Les Grossman, the Sumner Redstone-ish parody Cruise did for Tropic Thunder. Pattinson plays himself, and he’s asking Les is he (Sparkles) should cut off his hair. I have to admit – Tom is really funny. So funny, it almost looks like Sparkles was having a hard time keeping a straight face:

Very cute. If Tom continues to show that he has a good sense of humor (about himself, especially) and if he continues to sound sober, lucid and sane in interviews, I’d say people will either fall back in love with him, or continue to love him as they always have, without regrets. Now, for the strange stuff. The Enquirer claims that Tom was acting crazy on the set of Knight and Day. Something about salsa.

Tom Cruise — desperate for a blockbuster hit — snapped while filming his latest movie, sources say.

The fading superstar’s bizarre behavior on the “Knight and Day” set rocked his marriage to Katie Holmes, and crew members feared he was cracking up, according to insiders.

“No one has ever seen Tom so close to the edge,” an insider told The ENQUIRER. “One day he was going 200 mph and trying to do 10 things at once. He was barking orders, trying to listen to music and tweak the distribution schedule all at once. We thought he was going to crack right there.”

The 47-year-old actor startled crew members with his weird tics, and insisted on changing the movie’s score just weeks before its June 25 release, said the insider.

“Tom developed this bizarre habit of referring to himself in the third person,” the source said. “He’d say things like, ‘Tom Cruise is an action star — he’d never have salsa music in a film!’ Going through dialogue that was already shot, he’d yell out, ‘We’ve got to redo this. Tom Cruise would never say that line!’ It was like he was talking about another person! It was very strange.”

“Tom is obsessed with making ‘Knight and Day’ a blockbuster,” said the insider.

And with her husband manic on the set, Katie crumbled, said the source.

“At one point, she cried, ‘Tom’s so stressed out that I don’t know him anymore. I just don’t know how much more I can take,’” said the insider. “There definitely was tension at home because Tom would insist that Katie and their daughter Suri fly to Boston on weekends during filming. Katie resented it. After making three movies and scoring a hit on Broadway, she was finally spreading her wings as a performer. Then suddenly, she was pulled back into playing ‘Mrs. Tom Cruise’ again.”

[From The National Enquirer, online and print editions]

Blah, blah, the story goes on to say that Tom and Cameron Diaz were doing reshoots in April, which is bad mojo for a summer film, but worst stuff has happened. I’ll buy that Tom is a perfectionist and he’s probably very demanding of his crew and coworkers, but…I don’t know. Talking about himself in the third person? I guess. Hating salsa music? Eh. And as far as the Katie Holmes stuff, I’m actually getting tired of it, and I love a good Xenu-demands-a-divorce story. I think Katie is sticking around, no matter what. She has to fulfill her contract.

Tom & Katie at the National Movie Awards in London on May 26, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Us Weekly is running a mix of Kelly Bensimon-related articles both online and in this week’s print edition. This story is a mixture of both – it includes both an interview with Kelly about why she was so f-cking crazy on that trip to St. John, and they also have some interesting details about what went down behind the scenes. Like, after the cameras were turned off, Kelly went to her room and sat on her bed, rocking and telling producers that Bethenny wanted to kill her. C to the Razy. Oh, and she maybe was drunk but she definitely wasn’t on pills. So we’re left with “drunk and/or crazy” then.

On Thursday’s The Real Housewives of New York City, Kelly Bensimon attempts to explain her infamous May 20 show meltdown — but only leaves her pals even more confused.

Sitting with Jill Zarin, LuAnn de Lesseps and Jennifer Gilbert, Bensimon, 42, says she lashed out at costars Ramona Singer, Alex McCord, Sonja Morgan and foe Bethenny Frankel during a trip to the Virgin Islands because they were gossiping too much.

“From the minute we were together, it was everything that I hate – talking badly about people,” she begins.

(Oddly, she then starts gossiping about Frankel, 39: “She’s, like, a cook and everything like that, and I’m thinking to myself, ‘I mean, not one person that I know has ever hired her as a cook.’”)

“There were moments when we didn’t know what planet we were on,” says Alex McCord.

Kelly’s outbursts had viewers wondering whether she was delusional or just plain drunk. “She does seem to be a little paranoid in general,” says McCord, whom Kelly accused of “channeling a vampire.”

A source close to Kelly insists she was not intoxicated, but was lashing out after being bullied. Regardless, says a show source, “something in her snapped.”

Bensimon says she was “so over tired” and “feeling sick” when she snapped (among her quips: She called Frankel a “ho bag”). “I was drinking this wine – I never drink wine – and I was sitting in this room with these women. I just wanted to get out of there,” she says. “… It was an out-of-body experience.”

In the end, the ladies still had no clarity about what actually went down.

Says de Lesseps, 45: “By the end of Kelly’s story about the trip, I was so confused. I mean, I just didn’t get it. I had to hear the other side of the story. Kelly has a hard time defending herself… but she was so very aggressive.”

Behind-the-scenes, in conversations that were not televised, Sonja tells Us Weekly that she asked Kelly, “Do you think this is normal?” Sonja also says, “I tried to calm her.” But it didn’t work.

Continuing their fight off-camera, Bethenny and Kelly, their voices echoing through the mansion, in indulged in name-calling until Kelly fled to her room at 11:30 p.m. “Producers had to calm Kelly. She was on her bed, rocking back and forth,” says the show source. “She kept saying she thought Bethenny was going to kill her. It went on for hours!”

Deciding Kelly wasn’t in the mind-set to film, producers booked her an 8 a.m. flight home to New York – “No one thought she was stable,” says one source. One insider even suggests her outbursts were the result of mixing Valium with alcohol, but another source insists, “She’s not on drugs.”

Kelly insists the other women were “bullying” her, while Alex says “no one went after her.” Another source says: “Kelly picked the fights.”

In the end, a source says, “Kelly is hurt by how the show portrayed her. But she realizes what the show needs. They have to push it past flipping tables.”

[From Us Weekly, print and online editions]

At this point, I was going to show the new video for LuAnn’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class” single, but that sh-t got taken down off YouTube because it’s too precious, I suppose. Now I just have to talk about Kelly and how crazy she is. Personally, I think it’s a mixture of crazy, prescription medication, alcohol and delusional famewhorishness. Just my take!

UPADTE: Oooohhh, Michael K found the video! Here’s LuAnn’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class”. Epic!

Okay, so I finally got to see Kelly Bensimon’s epic meltdown on the season finale on RHONY. I know that all of the ladies have come to conclusion that Kelly is seriously mentally ill, but it’s still kind of funny when Bethenny and Ramona go off to the side and Bethenny is like “I told you so! There’s something wrong with her!” I also like the new girl, Sonja or whatever muttering “I can’t even diffuse you anymore” to Kelly. Here’s Part 1 of the video:

Here’s the second video – this is where all of the other women come to the understanding that Kelly is f-cking crazy and they need to stop making fun of her and to stop yelling at her:

Kelly doesn’t think there’s anything wrong in retrospect however. Is she back on her meds? We’ll never know. Kelly told Us Weekly: “Some people are like, ‘You had a breakdown,’ and I’m like, no, I had a breakthrough.” Kelly said she was “very anxious” about the vacation with the other RHONYs and “I was asked by women who don’t like me at all. I always have positive expectations of people, and I always think the best, and you know, that’s my Achilles’ heel, is that I’m positive and feel like people are going to be nice. But the nature of the show isn’t that. [They’re] not happy I’m on the show, they’re just not…I’m very sensitive, and if someone says something very rude to me over and over again, I’m human. Shoot me. I’m completely honest, I have a ton of integrity. The minute I walk into the room, I create…this stagnant frenetic energy. Let’s be honest. It makes for awesome TV…if they’re not hating on you, you’re not doing something right.” Crazy bitch.

Kelly Bensimon in Miami on May 2, 2010. Credit: BRJ/Fame.

In Touch Weekly has a long, detailed story about Britney Spears having yet another breakdown/meltdown, this time on Mother’s Day. Britney and her boyfriend Jason Trawick had made arrangements (with the help of Jamie Spears) for Britney and her sons to go to Disneyland, have a private audience with Mickey Mouse, sit front-row for a fireworks display and generally get VIP treatment everywhere. But everything went to hell.

When they checked into the Disneyland Hotel, it looked like Britney and Jason has just had an argument. With the boys in another room with their nannies, Britney locked herself into her hotel room.

“She started out crying hysterically and refused to go out,” an insider shares. “Jason and the boys were left sitting with the nanny all day. They never got to meet Mickey Mouse.”

That night, things went from bad to worse when Britney ordered scissors sent to her room and began cutting off her hair. The insider says: “When the cleaners came to the room, so much hair had been flushed down the toilet, it was blocked.”

Sadly, strange scenes like that one are becoming more and more typical. On May 1, she paid a local tattoo artist $5,000 to ink a red crown on her butt, a pal shares, to show “she’s the ruler of her life.” It hasn’t helped.

Britney’s relationship with Jason is more tumultuous than ever, and even her dad has been away lately.

“Jamie’s spent the last two weeks in Louisiana and only checks in with Britney by phone… he is basically relying on her staff to look after her.” Feeling unloved, Britney has begun acting out.

“If things keep going the way they are, she is headed for something very bad.”

[From In Touch, print edition]

Again. She is headed for something very bad again. On one side, I will say again, I feel for Britney because I believe she has some very genuine mental/emotional/psychological problems. On the other side, I want her to know herself well enough to get help, and to really put in the effort to be healthy and put her sons’ interests ahead of her own. With that story of her cutting off her hair in the bathroom, all I thought was “What a petty, self-absorbed little drama queen.” But I’m open to the possibility that she could have seriously been having a breakdown. Ugh… I wonder if it would help if people stopped treating her with kid gloves? I mean, if you didn’t know she was mentally ill, and she locked herself in a room and ordered scissors, wouldn’t you just call the cops? Maybe that’s what they should do next time.

Also: I think the source for this story must be either one of Britney’s bodyguards or one of her sons’ nannies. It’s so detailed, and it seems true, like there was a genuine eyewitness.

Here are some recent photos of Britney with her hair looking hacked off:

Yesterday, I tried to sum up all of the sketchy, cracked out excuses Lindsay Lohan was making for her inability to fly back to Los Angeles to face her court date, which is today. Her lawyer claimed that Lindsay had lost her passport, and that they were trying to get some kind of emergency temp passport from the American embassy. Dina Lohan went to Radar and threw herself a little pity party because there wasn’t “someone in a higher echelon to help us” at the French embassy. Uh… French embassy? That would be necessary if a French citizen was caught in America. Not an American citizen caught in France. Ugh, Dina, f-ck your damn lies. Anyway, as predictable as this sounds, it turns out that the Lohans got caught out on their bullsh-t quick. Radar is reporting that according to the duty officer at the U.S. Embassy in France, Lindsay has not applied for a new passport.

Lindsay Lohan has not requested a new passport and may be stuck in France for a little while longer, RadarOnline.com has exclusively confirmed. Maryse Nebatti, the Duty Officer in Marseille for the U.S. Embassy in France, told RadarOnline.com that Lindsay reported the passport stolen but “has not requested a new passport.”

The embassy office in Marseille is the closest location to Lindsay who has been in Cannes promoting her latest role as porn star Linda Lovelace.

Lindsay’s mother Dina told RadarOnline.com that her passport was stolen and she was turned away from a flight back to the United States on Tuesday.

“This was not a planned scheme,” she said.

The U.S. Embassy confirmed that Lindsay faxed a copy of her passport to their Paris embassy but has not specifically requested a new one. According to the Duty Officer, neither Lindsay nor her mother Dina have contacted the Embassy, but a representative of hers from the United States phoned the Embassy in Paris at 6:25pm local time.

The Embassy closed at 6pm local time but the representative spoke to an after hours staffer.

Nabatti told RadarOnline.com that even though she has not received a request for the new passport, she has contacted the Consul to alert them of Lindsay’s situation.

“There is nothing we can do this late,” Nabatti told RadarOnline.com.

According to the Embassy, Lindsay needs to fill out the paperwork to get a temporary passport. That paperwork cannot be obtained until Thursday morning. Danette Meyers, the Deputy District Attorney in Los Angeles who is handling Lindsay’s case, told RadarOnline.com that she will seek to jail Lindsay for up to 180 if she is found to be in violation of her probation. Lindsay’s mother Dina insisted this was not an excuse for Lindsay to get out of the court hearing on Thursday in Los Angeles.

“I’m exhausted… I’ve been up for the last 24 hours with Lindsay and her attorneys dealing with this,” she told RadarOnline.com earlier on Wednesday. “We are actively dealing with the French Embassy as we speak but unfortunately they close at a certain hour so we¹re trying to get someone in a higher echelon to help us.”

[From Radar]

Jesus, what cracked out drama. And for what? Because Lindsay wanted to party in France. Because she wanted to f-ck Dominic Cooper and pose on red carpets and do the heavier French drugs. And because she doesn’t give a sh-t about court appearances or even doing the very bare minimum to see that she doesn’t go to jail. Well, she’s still “stuck” in France. So she’s going to jail.

By the way, LaineyGossip did a really great, epic post about Lohan Drama yesterday and she pointed out several two points. One: “They were floating around the excuse that she might not make it due to volcanic ash. Please. The ash is only affecting flights to the UK. France to Germany and then connecting to North America – at press time – is fine…. She’s here because she’s an asshole.” Second point: “On the advance tip sheet for a party happening tomorrow night, her name was ON IT. So if she was supposed to be back in LA, how come someone told the party organizers that she’d be showing up?” Because Lindsay’s plan was to have a cracked out adventure in France all along. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she stayed there, a la Roman Polanski? Like, she would be a cracked-out fugitive from justice.

By the way, I’m doing these close-ups of her so you can see how f-cking dirty her skunky crackface is. Look at her filthy face! How do her ears get that nasty?

Lindsay Lohan in Cannes on May 17, 2010. Credit: WENN & ANG/Fame.

Page Six has another story from Lindsay Lohan’s crack shenanigans while she was New York last week. This story is in addition to Friday’s story about her party-crashing a New York event with an entourage of 30 people. Fortunately, this incident involves less of an entourage, but still involves a tousle with security and a classic Lohan delusion, basically that she knows everyone and she’s the most important person in the room ALWAYS and that when anyone challenges those FACTS, she is allowed to get violent. Here’s the story from Page Six:

Lindsay Lohan started another fight in a club — this time with New York Ranger skaters Aaron Voros and Sean Avery at 1Oak. The troubled starlet threw a drink over Voros’ model girlfriend, Jessica Stam, and then tried to get all three thrown out of the Wildfox fall-collection party the other night.

A spy relates, “Lindsay threw a fit because she wanted to be at their table near the DJ. But she claimed she didn’t want to sit with Aaron and said, ‘He’s my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want him anywhere near me.’ Voros denied knowing her. A drink then flew in Jessica’s face, and Lindsay demanded their table be moved out. Club bosses refused and tried to calm her down. Stam, Voros and Avery were shocked but didn’t retaliate, and Lindsay left shortly afterward.”

We await Lohan’s inevitable denial, but we have multiple witnesses.

A different source said “Lindsay threw a fit. There was total drama for absolutely no reason.”

[From Page Six]

Is it wrong that I laughed at the part where Lindsay was all “He’s my ex, get him away from me!!!” and the dude was all “I seriously don’t know that crackhead”? As many of you asked on Friday, why do clubs even let Lindsay in anymore? At this point, don’t club bouncers and event planners know what they’re getting with Lohan?

Here’s what happens during any given Lohan public appearance: she will be f-cked up on drugs or alcohol, or both; she will pick a fight with multiple people, usually someone involved with the club or event, plus some random guest; she will generally say some hysterical, delusional lie about who she is, how she was invited, or what another guest said or did to her; and then finally, she will fall out of your club looking very screwed up, or she will somehow manage to walk to the car without stumbling, all the while posing for photos with her skunky crackface in full effect. I just don’t see how any of those actions haven’t earned Lohan a lifetime ban from every club in New York and Los Angeles (not to mention London, Paris, and wherever else her quest for drugs takes her).

Lindsay also gave another delusional-filled interview to some random paparazzo. I think this thing is taking place in the same place Lindsay makes all of her money – the backseat of a car? Thanks to Dlisted & Gawker for the video link:

So around the 1:50 mark, Lindsay talks about her mother’s brother sudden death and “God rest his soul” et cetera. Here’s a fun fact: Lindsay flew back to Los Angeles to party instead of going to her uncle’s funeral on the East Coast. WTF?

Given all we know about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, it’s easy to conclude that they both have mental health issues, to put it kindly. Heidi suffers from body dysmorphic disorder and is searching for elusive self worth through ever increasing amounts of plastic surgery, with the result that she looks like a lopsided cartoon. Spencer is unable to get along with anyone and has admitted to spending $500,000 on crystals, basically all of his money, in order to achieve some kind of cosmic harmony. Heidi has also hired and fired a psychic as her manager.

The latest cover of US Weekly declares that Heidi has been “brainwashed” by Spencer and that friends and family worry they’ll “lose her forever.” First of all, that would mean that she had a brain to wash, and that she wasn’t already lost to her friends and family. US Weekly doesn’t have that full story online, but there’s a teaser and a related article about a recent episode of The Hills. In response to Heidi’s mom’s criticism of her daughter’s extensive plastic surgery, Spencer spit back in a statement on last night’s show “She’s not God. She didn’t make Heidi. She’s just a vagina!” That’s priceless. US is also reporting that Spencer and Heidi will most likely not be asked back to tape the final episode of The Hills. They haven’t been on set since mid April.

As for Heidi’s “brainwashing,” US’ website tells us to pick up the article for the details. “For more – including how Heidi hasn’t spoken to her mom since the premiere; how Spencer has “preyed” on Heidi’s insecurities and ruined her self-esteem; Spencer’s scary “rage issues” and how pals fear he could “snap at any minute” and how their sad, desperate hunger for fame has left them friendless (“No one ever visits,” says a source) – pick up the new Us Weekly today!”

Meanwhile this week’s issue of Life & Style, on stands now, has a story that sort-of confirms US‘ new cover. It’s all about how Heidi is staying in a cluttered home with Spencer where he’s a shut in. Spencer confirms that he hasn’t left the house more than three times in a month, and that some former Marine is living with him helping him write a screenplay. He doesn’t admit to trapping Heidi or anything. The best part is the photo of the place, which looks wrecked.

Heidi Montag is trapped inside Spencer Pratt’s prison. At least that’s how Life & Style is putting it. Pratt is barely leaving the house, and he’s making Heidi stick close to his side. Furthermore, he’s brought a former Marine in to be their roommate (he’s taking up residence in the spare bedroom).

“It’s true, I do have a Marine in the house,” Spencer told Life & Style. “He’s helping me write a script. And yes, we’ve been out of the house only three times this month, but that’s because I’m busy working on several business ventures.”
Life & Style goes on to say that the couple is not living in the lavish Hollywood Hills, Calif., home that’s featured on “The Hills,” but instead is in an “unkempt and unsafe home” in Pacific Palisades.

“The living room is filled with Spencer’s mess, which Heidi often has to clean up,” according to the magazine. And Spencer lines the window with crystals, which he believes will keep bad spirits out but keep Heidi locked in,” according to a source who spoke to the magazine.

Pratt did not respond to requests for comment about the claims.

[From MSNBC's The Scoop]

Is this really true? Is Spencer trapping Heidi inside his apartment while he obsessively hoards crystals and crap, hanging out with some random Marine? It could be. It’s probably just as true as the fact that Heidi mangled her face in her sad quest for infamy and belonging. These two are crazy like foxes, but that doesn’t mean they’re not crazy, just that they use it to their advantage. They earned the cover of US Weekly at a time when we should be forgetting/ignoring them, and that’s definitely something. Heidi was just on the cover of Life & Style last week too.

Photo inside Heidi and Spencer’s home courtesy of Life & Style. Header image via Cover Awards.