Have we talked about how I think Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy? Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy. Who can resist a face tattoo? Nothing makes panties drop faster. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, you should always be sure not to wear a skirt around Mike Tyson, or you’ll find your panties on the sidewalk and you’re halfway down the block. Same things applies to kilts, gentlemen. That’s probably what happened to Britney’s and Paris’ underwear. They came across Mike Tyson and suddenly found themselves flashing their lady bits.

Being the winner that he is, Tyson hasn’t been able to settle for just being a convicted rapist, domestic abuser, and ear biter. He’s one of those all or nothing types, and decided to tack a little DUI and drug possession onto his record for good measure. Got to stay in the tabloids and all.

“Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson pleaded guilty Monday to charges of drug possession and driving under the influence stemming from a traffic stop last year as he was leaving a nightclub. Tyson quietly acknowledged to a judge that he had cocaine and was impaired when he was stopped for driving erratically in Scottsdale on Dec. 29. He pleaded guilty to a single felony count of cocaine possession and a misdemeanour DUI count and faces up to four years and three months in prison when he is sentenced Nov. 19. A felony charge of possession of drug paraphernalia and a second misdemeanor DUI charge were dropped, according to the terms of a plea agreement. Defense lawyer David Chesnoff said Tyson has been clean and sober for eight months.

“‘It’s obvious this was a crime he was committing against himself,’ Chesnoff said.

“Police stopped Tyson after the boxer had spent the evening at Scottsdale’s Pussycat Lounge. An officer said he saw Tyson wiping a white substance off the dashboard of his black BMW, and that his speech was slurred. Authorities said they found bags of cocaine in Tyson’s pocket and in his car.

“Tyson told officers later that he used cocaine ‘whenever I can get my hands on it,’ and that he preferred to smoke it in Marlboro cigarettes with the tobacco pulled out, according to court documents. He also told police that he used marijuana that day and was taking the antidepressant Zoloft, the documents state.”

[From the Chronicle Journal]

I know I’ve been critical of Tyson in the past, but who among us can really say they don’t enjoy the occasional snort of cocaine when it’s offered? Isn’t it rude to refuse? And then you have to get home, so why would you ask someone for a ride, or pay someone since you’re stinking rich, when you can just drive yourself when you’re hopped up on cocaine. Or whatever you get on cocaine. Cracked out? Up? I feel as though celebrity morons are getting their comeuppance of late, and it makes me very happy. But only because I get to say comeuppance.

Proving that skankiness can transcend the generation gap, the mother of OJ Simpson’s creepily Nicole Brown lookalike girlfriend, Christie Prody, has resorted to informing the media that her daughter isn’t a big bag of herpes. And by that I mean she’s letting us all know that Prody is faithful in her love to the Juice. Supposedly, Prody slept with Simpson’s gardener, Janos Gonzalez, and OJ went apeshit. You know how some people just look smart? Prody isn’t one of them. But it’s a relatively small percentage of the female population that are so stupid that they’d be dumb enough to fuck with OJ under any circumstances, especially romantic.

“The mother of O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend Christie Prody said her daughter is not the type of girl who fools around with the household help. Defending her 32-year-old daughter against reports that Simpson went ballistic when he learned that Prody supposedly had slept with his gardener, Cathy Bellmore, 54, told the Daily News, ‘No, that isn’t her. That’s not in her character. She’s never cheated on a boyfriend before.’ The gardener’s wife, Marlene Gonzalez, disagrees. She has said Simpson showed up at their Miami home on July 29, raving about how Prody and her husband, Janos Gonzalez, had had sex earlier that day. She said she gave the football great the brushoff, but when Simpson saw her husband, Simpson went into a rage and threatened to kill him. Police came to the home, but no charges were filed, she said.”

[From the Daily News]

And how exactly did OJ meet this Nicole doppleganger? Apparently Prody was in L.A. And waved to Simpson. He walked up to the car and asked for her number. This was right after the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Doesn’t that just give you goosebumps, butterflies, and heart palpitations all at once? According to Prody’s mother, Simpson is her second boyfriend. Ewww. Way to settle down with a winner.

“‘Christie was always a very shy, quiet girl. She gave me absolutely no trouble whatever,’ Bellmore said. Mom said it’s heartbreaking to see her daughter caught up in the latest Simpson melodrama. ‘She’s a great person who’s involved in a messy situation,’ said Bellmore. Asked why her daughter doesn’t split from Simpson, Bellmore said, ‘There’s reasons. I just can’t get into it.’ Asked if it was love that kept Prody tied to him, Bellmore said, ‘I don’t know what it is anymore.’”

[From the Daily News]

Boy those last two quotes really inspire confidence. Her own mother sounds like she’s slightly afraid for her daughter, but is still willing to hint that her daughter may not love Simpson. She doesn’t know what it is that keeps Prody tied to Simpson? Fear of a knife wedged into a major artery could be one.

Picture note by Celebitchy Christie Prody is shown in Vegas the night before OJ was arrested. Thanks to Splash News.

I’m just going to go ahead and say it: OJ Simpson is one big ball of dumb. How in the world does someone that notoriously famous for getting away with crime think he could very publicly commit a planned criminal act with lots of accomplices and witness and get away with it? Dude, you only got away with it the first time because you killed everyone there. The only living witness was the Akita. Unless you did that here, it wasn’t going to work out well for you dude. People know what you look like (that vertical football shaped head isn’t helping you blend in) and who you are. How could tis have turned out well? Unless you’re banking on the “I’m a notorious murder who isn’t afraid to do it again because I can get away with it” theory, this is going to blow up in your face.

I admitted last week that I don’t know shit about sports. So to me, I guess I just don’t understand how some football memorabilia is more important than your freedom. Go on eBay, I’m sure you can find some knock offs.

“After being whisked away in handcuffs, Simpson was booked Sunday night on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and conspiracy to commit a crime and burglary with a firearm, police said.

“The district attorney said he expected Simpson to ultimately be charged with seven felonies and one gross misdemeanor. If convicted, Simpson could face up to 30 years in prison on each robbery count.

“A judge ordered Simpson held without bail. Las Vegas court information officer Michael Sommermeyer said Simpson’s arraignment was set for Wednesday, with a bail hearing to be held after that.”

[From Yahoo News]

Well here’s hoping. I really doubt OJ would be sentenced to 210 years (oh.my.gosh would that make me happy) but maybe he’ll do some time. I really doubt that it’ll be anything significant, but you never know. The man will shell out some crazy money for lawyers… though I’m not sure how, since theoretically he’s supposed to be living in poverty. But I’m sure he’ll figure out a way to get top of the line attorneys and he won’t do any significant time. Technically he doesn’t have priors, at least relating to murdering people.

“‘We believe it is an extremely defensible case based on conflicting witness statements, flip-flopping by witnesses and witnesses making deals with the government to flip,’ [Yale] Galanter [Simpson’s attorney] said Sunday.

“Beardsley blamed the incident on [Thomas] Riccio [co-owner of and auction house], who he claims told Simpson that his property was in the room in Las Vegas.

“‘If they don’t charge Riccio I will be very upset. That guy lied to O.J. and got him all pumped up,’ he said.”

[From Yahoo News]

I guess Yale Galanter never learned that very basic lesson that we are all responsible for our own behavior. Lying to OJ Simpson about his former possessions doesn’t mean it’s his fault OJ decided to break into a room with guns and steal his old stuff back. OJ getting too “pumped up” and angry has been a well documented problem for him. Along with blaming everyone else for that anger.

A transcript of the recording of the event has just been released.

“An apparent audiotape of O.J. Simpson’s standoff with men he accused of stealing his memorabilia begins with the ex-NFL star demanding, ‘Don’t let nobody out of here.’

“‘Think you can steal my s— and sell it?’ the voice identified as Simpson’s said.

“Simpson was arrested Sunday and booked on charges connected with what police described as a robbery at a Las Vegas hotel. In the audiotape released Monday by the celebrity news Web site TMZ.com, a man believed to be Simpson is heard shouting questions while other men yell orders to the people in the room.

“The recording was made by Thomas Riccio, co-owner of the auction house Universal Rarities, according to TMZ. Simpson has said Riccio called him several weeks ago to tell him collectors were selling some of his items.”

[From Yahoo News]

OJ Simpson is so delusional, and it’s sad that the legal system has given in and encouraged his delusions. It’s also upsetting that he’s become a bit of a celebrity, and people ask for his autographs. It’s just encouraged his delusions of grandeur, and his feeling that he can give in to any whim he wants. I really hope and pray he does time for this, and that history won’t repeat itself.

Update: Here’s a link to TMZ’s copy of the Simpson recording. Not suitable for work.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Simpson being led away in handcuffs by plainclothes police officers in Vegas.

On Friday I promised commenters that I wouldn’t post Simpson’s picture again without putting a “Mr. Yuck” sticker over his head first. I’m not sure I can do that without getting sued by the photo agencies, so I’m sticking it here and you all can visualize it on his face if it helps.

You know the phrase “Once an ego maniacal wife beating rageaholic murderer, always a thief”? Well it turns out my just-coined phrase perfectly describes OJ Simpson, who has been named as a suspect in a casino break-in. Now before images of “Oceans 11” flash through your brain, keep in mind that OJ is not nearly as sophisticated, nor as non-scary, as Brad Pitt and George Clooney. OJ’s tactics are a little more “round up a posse and kick stuff”-esq. Reports are still conflicted, so I’ll do my best to explain what’s being alleged, and the different versions therein.

“Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in a break-in at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia. The break-in was reported at the Palace Station casino late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said. He said investigators determined the break-in involved sports collectibles. ‘When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that he believed the memorabilia was his,’ Montoya said. ‘We’re getting conflicting stories from the two sides.’

Simpson was released after he and several associates were questioned, but he is considered a suspect in the case, Montoya said. He is believed to be in Las Vegas. ‘We don’t believe he’s going anywhere,’ he said. Simpson has had to auction off his sports collectibles, including his Heisman Trophy, to pay some of the $33.5 million judgment awarded to the Goldman family.

[From Yahoo News]

You don’t believe OJ Simpson is going anywhere? Does he have Al Cowlings and a white Bronco within 30 yards of him? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s now called a Ford “Escape.” Even better. OJ Simpson, if you’re forced to sell your sports memorabilia by the court, even though you really don’t want to, it’s no longer yours. That’s what happens when you murder two innocent people and a civil court finds that you owe their families a lot of money that your refuse to pay. You lose your trading cards. Actually the specific memorabilia in question has not been named. But I’m going with trading cards, because Simpson seems more than crazy enough to fly to Vegas to steal a pack of them.

MSNBC is reporting a more detailed account of what went down:

“Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in an incident at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia. ‘When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that be believed the memorabilia was his,’ police spokesman Jose Montoya said. ‘We’re getting conflicting stories from the two sides.’

“NBC affiliate KVBC-TV reported that a man alleged that Simpson and four other men, one with a gun, confronted him about sports memorabilia at his Palace Station hotel room. KVBC-TV reporter Angela Martin said a man, whom she did not identify by name, had told her that Simpson and four men had entered his room, with Simpson demanding he return what Simpson said were sports memorabilia stolen from him years ago.”

[From MSNBC]

You’d think that if any significant sports memorabilia (significant enough for OJ Simpson and a bunch of friends to go to Las Vegas and break into a guy’s room with a gun) was truly stolen from Simpson, it would have been reported in the press. I’m guessing Simpson considers it stolen because he wanted it and the court made him auction it off. I could be totally wrong, but because I consider this guy to be the lowest life form on Earth, I’m going with the most selfish scenario possible. Even if the memorabilia was truly stolen from him, that doesn’t mean Simpson can break into someone’s hotel room to steal it back. No matter what the reasoning, it seems he committed a crime. Wouldn’t it be just fabulous if OJ Simpson at least went to jail for a this? Yeah it’s not much, and I really doubt he’d be anyone’s jail bitch, but it’d still be something.

Many commentators are pointing out the extraordinary coincidence that Simpson is in the news for a significant criminal act for the first time in so long. Today is also the release of his book “If I Did It” – the so-called fictional account Simpson provided of how he would have killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and her friend Ron Goldman, if he’d killed them, which he stresses he didn’t. Simpson lost the rights to the book because he still owes the Goldmans most of the $33 million awarded to them in the wrongful death suit. The Goldmans were awarded the rights to the book and decided to go ahead and publish it, but instead of a “hypothetical account” they’re labeling it “true crime.” Whatever money the Goldmans make from the book sales will go to satisfy Simpson’s debt to them. Perhaps OJ’s just trying to raise sales?

Update: OJ has told the Associated Press that he was conducting a sting operation and he was escorted into the room to collect his belongings, according to MSNBC. The reporter, John Larsen, also kept laughing when he said it.

A season 2 contestant from “Top Chef” was beaten – along with a group of friends – over Labor Day weekend in Long Island. Josie Smith-Malave, an out and proud lesbian, was at the club Partners in Sea Cliff, Long Island for a birthday party. The group of friends had been asked to leave by the club’s bouncer, ostensibly because he believed they were with underage drinkers. Someone else heard the bouncer say that the it was getting “too gay” inside the club. If the bouncer believed they were with an underage drinker, why didn’t he card that person? As they were leaving, the group was attacked. A slightly different account in “Newsday” says the group was arguing with another group, which turned into an attack once they left the club.

“The attack on a former ‘Top Chef’ contestant and a group of her companions will be investigated as a bias crime, Nassau police said Wednesday.

The Sept. 1 altercation outside a Sea Cliff bar between Josie Smith-Malave, a member of the reality show’s Season 2 cast, escalated from verbal sparring between two groups of bar patrons inside the bar to pushing, shoving, spitting and punching in the parking lot after both groups were tossed out, police said.

“During the assault, a video camera belonging to one of the victims was stolen and the suspects shouted anti-gay epithets, police said. The camera was apparently pointed in the direction of the suspects inside the bar, perhaps aggravating the incident, police said.”

[From Newsday]

According to a more detailed story by New York’s local ABC affiliate, a woman who lives across the street from the bar saw the whole thing, and witnessed a lot of homophobic slurs, thus lending credibility that it was a hate crime.

“Laura Yaz lives diagonal from the bar and says she saw the entire thing from home. ‘When they said “I hope you die of AIDS” and I knew it was more than just a fight,’ Laura said.”

The victims say bystanders were actually flashing [taking] pictures of them being beaten.”

[From 7 Online]

Josie Smith-Malave says she had punches thrown at her and was kicked in the head. She also said she watched as her sister was thrown to the ground and pummeled by six or seven people. Another friend was attacked and thrown to the curb by three women and nine men outside the club. She said, “I’ve never experienced something like that before where people are so angry I didn’t even know where it was coming from.”

That’s such a sad story. I don’t understand why or how people could act that way. Josie Smith-Malave isn’t exactly a household name, but if she can use her little bit of fame to bring more attention to this case and to hate crimes in general, more power to her.

Pictures thanks to FoodCandy.com

Who the hell has R Kelly paid off, and how much did it take? There is no way any person with 1/39483rd of a brain would believe that yet another delay has happened for a good, legally justifiable reason. The man who has been waiting for trial for over five years now (imagine how many delays have contributed to that… I’m not even going to count, it makes me so mad) has been granted yet another delay because the lead prosecutor of his case had a baby. Now that fact, in and of itself, makes sense. I mean you don’t pop out a 7 pound creature and just waltz back to work. But generally, babies are something people plan and predict. They’ve had nine months to either work around the birth, or postpone the trial ahead of time, so it at least looks legitimate. But did the judge do that? No, he acted like the baby was a total surprise, and postponed the case just two weeks before it was set to finally go to trial. I will officially now state that, in my opinion, Cook County Circuit Judge Vincent Gaughan has been bribed. Gasp. Five years is bullshit, and everything about this trial is bullshit. Most of the other delays were bullshit, but a freaking baby? This was a condition he was likely aware of for a least a few months – why postpone now!?! I am livid, absolutely livid. Please be livid with me.

“In a case that has been a saga of delays and false starts, R. Kelly’s trial was postponed yet again on Tuesday, with no trial date in sight more than five years after child pornography charges were filed against the R&B singer. The lead prosecutor in the case, Assistant State’s Atty. Shauna Boliker, gave birth last week, prompting the judge presiding over the case to indefinitely postpone the trial less than two weeks before its scheduled start on Sept. 17.

“A spokesman for Cook County Circuit Judge Vincent Gaughan cited doctor’s orders in announcing the decision, a move that has added a familiar air of uncertainty to the case. This was the closest that the trial had come to starting. But it was no secret that Boliker was scheduled to deliver a baby last week, which had led to speculation at the courthouse that the Sept. 17 date was unrealistic.

“Kelly, 40, was indicted in June 2002 on child pornography charges. Officials say he videotaped himself having sex with a girl whom prosecutors say may have been as young as 13. In the more than five years since he was charged, Kelly’s career and popularity have soared. He has produced several hit CDs, gone on tour and recently released the latest installments of his highly successful video serial ‘Trapped in the Closet.’

“Gaughan has issued a gag order that bars the prosecution and the defense from talking about the case. The snail’s pace of the criminal case against Kelly may shake some people’s confidence in the ability of the courts to deal efficiently with cases involving wealthy defendants, legal experts said.”

[From Metromix]

I really am both red and blue in the face right now. If I were the type to have bulging veins and flared nostrils when upset, I’d look like a bull at the moment. How is this possible? How is this not getting more media coverage? R. Kelly tapes himself having sex with a 13 or 14 year old girl, then gets to have six albums, some movies, and tour the country before he so much as sits in a defendant’s chair? Can money really buy your verdict? I don’t think this guy is just spending a lot of money for great, manipulative lawyers. I think he’s bribed someone, or multiple someones. But part of me thinks he hasn’t, because no one would be stupid enough to think they could delay a trial this long, and for such ridiculous reasons. Either there’s a lot of money changing hands, or the level of incompetence is absolutely through the roof. Either way, everyone involved should lose their jobs. I’m that mad.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s R. Kelly at BET’s 25th Anniversary Show. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Words you never want to hear again: Postal Worker Stalker. Unfortunately for Colin Firth, he’s hearing these words again.

The 45-year-old postal worker was arrested after she begged her bosses to let her deliver to the £2.5 million home of the 46-year-old actor in leafy Chiswick, west London.

The woman is also understood to have posted fake accounts of meeting her idol on an internet site for fans of Firth, perhaps best known for his role as Mr Darcy in the BBC adaptation of Pride And Prejudice.

Firth, who lives in Chiswick with his 37-year-old wife Livia, became a sex symbol and gained an army of female fans after emerging from a lake in skintight breeches in the 1995 Beeb version of the classic Jane Austen novel.

Staff at the obsessed fan’s depot are understood to have raised the alarm after she applied to swap delivery routes with a colleague.

A pal of the actor, who asked not to be named, said: “Colin is normally very at ease with his fans, but he was aware one woman was veering closer to obsession.”

Life Style Extra

Some reports suggest this isn’t the first time the postal worker has been arrested for the stalking.

If I had a stalker, which is highly unlikely given that I have never emerged sexily from a pond in a wet white shirt and tight breeches, I would be really worried that they had been cautioned twice. And that they continued to be employed by the Royal Mail. Where they might be able to touch my mail, or even do something unsavoury to it. Actually, any postal worker could probably do that. I wonder if they do?

Colin Firth is currently filming Mama Mia the musical movie, where he plays a British banker who might be homosexual. He’ll be warming up his pipes, singing the hit music of ABBA, to tell the tale of a bride-to-be who is unsure of the identity of her father. The potential candidates for fatherhood are Colin, Pierce Brosnan, and Stellan Skarsgård. Which is a combination I doubt we’ll ever see in a real life paternity battle.

I wonder if singing the hit music of ABBA would be enough to put off a potential stalker? I think a compulsion to burst into ABBA songs would be a deal breaker in many relationships.

Colin Firth is shown below with his wife, Livia Giuggioli, in 2005.

Normally I would be pretty hesitant about a claim that a celebrity would kidnap their kids – I mean they’re famous, it’s not like they can hide out like the rest of us. But Britney Spears threw logic to the wind a long time ago, and at this point I would put absolutely nothing past her. MSNBC seems to think there’s some credibility to the story that Britney Spears has threatened to disappear with her kids – they’ve quoted the Star story in their article about the crazed singer.

“Just when it looked like the custody battle for Jayden James and Sean Preston couldn’t get much uglier, Star reports that Britney Spears might take her kids on the run. ‘Britney told Kevin to look out because one day, when she has them she just may disappear forever!’ a Federline family insider told the magazine. ‘Kevin is freaked out and wants to get a restraining order on her. He has one of the kids’ nannies reporting back on whatever happens!’

“The exes currently share equal custody, but Britney isn’t beyond taking the kids without their father’s permission, Star points out. She even didn’t mention her recent Las Vegas family field trip to Federline, even though neither is supposed to take the kids out of Los Angeles County without written permission from the other parent. ‘Kevin is afraid that Britney could take off at any moment with the kids,’ says another Star insider. ‘That’s why he wants to hurry and finalize their custody agreement!’

“Just how far would Britney go to keep the kids away from K-Fed? ‘She told Kevin she’d split to another country, probably France,’ says the magazine’s source. ‘Kevin feels she could pull it off with enough money and the right connections!’”

[From MSNBC.com]

Alright well that proves just how stupid they both are. Britney thinks she might kidnap her kids, and K-Fed thinks she could get away with it. He has about 2000 free private investigators stationed throughout the world – it’s called the paparazzi. Someone could escape the law, they could escape the government, but no way can you hide from the paps. Especially when you’re Britney Spears, there’s just too high a price on her head. And if she’s dumb enough to tell Federline what country she’s planning on going to, I doubt her threat will pan out. It is funny that she picked a nice, comfortable country with good shopping. If she’d named a country that is a little less of a tourist destination – say the unknown parts of wintry Russia, then I’d think she was at least willing to make a sacrifice. It looks like Britney’s mixing up the words “kidnapping” with “moving.” And I’m pretty sure you can’t take the nannies, drivers, housekeepers, and drug mules when you kidnap your kids.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s K-Fed partying at Tao on Monday night. Apparently his VIP section was filled with ladies, according to Splash. Header image of Britney making one of her classy faces while trying to find parking a few days ago. Thanks to Splash for the photos.

I’m kind of surprised that Hulk Hogan has $100,000 worth of jewelry in his house – his family seems way too cheap to have anything other than Canal Street knockoffs – but it turns out he does, because $100,000 worth of jewelry was stolen from Hogan’s place last night. Apparently the Hulk is in the process of moving, and during that processes the jewelry’s been looted. I wonder if it’s possible it’s just missing? I know that sounds naïve, but I always lose stuff when I move and then it turns up a year later. And it’s always the important stuff. I lost at least $300,000 worth of bling the last time I moved. Turns out I left it in my diamond-encrusted moving box. I’m just saying, the Hogan family doesn’t seem the sort who are so spot-on-intelligent that they could keep track of all their crap. Apparently this is just the most recent in a rash of bizarre problems for the Hulk – his Lamborghini erupted into flames a while ago – for no reason.

“In the latest bit of bad fortune, Hogan was moving out of his home in the 2900 block of North Bay Road on Thursday when jewelry — including a platinum diamond watch and some diamond-encrusted dog tags — vanished, according to a report filed with the Miami Beach Police Department.

“Hogan’s son Nicholas told police officers he had left a watch and two necklaces wrapped in a T-shirt in his upstairs closet. About 3:30 p.m. he went to retrieve the items. Gone. Four maids and several movers were in the house at the time. They were questioned by police.

“Back in November Nicholas was driving the family’s yellow Lamborghini Diablo VT through a residential area not far from the Hogan residence when he smelled a burning odor. He pulled over and got out of the car — right before it burst into flames. Nicholas wasn’t hurt, but the Lamborghini was burned beyond recognition.

“Hogan (birth name Terrence Gene Bollea) is an actor, former professional wrestling champion and VH1 reality show star. The reality show revolved around his life at the house on North Bay Road, which set him back more than $12 million in 2006. That chapter of his life is coming to a conclusion. He and his family — wife Linda, son Nicholas and daughter Brooke, an aspiring singer — are moving away, likely back to their previous house in a Clearwater suburb, which they still own.”

[From the Miami Herald]

Something fishy is afoot. Although I’d never accuse the Hulk of solving the worlds’ energy crisis or doing long division in his head, he doesn’t seem as dumb as his kids - I’m putting the blame squarely on them. What are the odds that your car - driven by your 17-year-old son - just bursts into flames and he didn’t do a damn thing wrong? I’m guessing Brooke ate the jewelry on accident, and now she’s too embarrassed to fess up.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s a picture of Brooke Hogan rocking her grillz. I’m pretty sure this is where her brother’s jewelry went. Below is a photo of the Hogans’ home taken this morning. I can’t tell if that’s a house or a medical center. I’m going to guess that it doubles as both. Thanks to Splash for the photos. Header image of Hulk & Brooke at the Z100’s Jingle Ball. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Photoshop composite from Planet Hiltron

Getting coked up, commandeering an SUV, engaging in a high speed chase, and having police draw their guns on you are just part of an average evening out for Lindsay Lohan, but it turns out the people being chased weren’t such big fans of the whole experience. The passenger is the car Lohan hunted down last month has filed a lawsuit against the sorta actress. Praise Jebus! I wonder if you can get served at a rehab facility?

“Lindsay Lohan was sued Tuesday for assault and negligence by a woman who was a passenger in a car the actress is accused of chasing while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Lohan ‘put me through one of the most frightening experiences of my life,’ Tracie Rice said in a statement after the lawsuit was filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court.

“’What Miss Lohan did that night was extremely dangerous and reprehensible. Someone could easily have been killed or seriously hurt because of her irresponsible decisions that evening,’ Rice said. The lawsuit also alleges intentional infliction of emotional distress. It seeks unspecified damages and also payment of medical and other expenses related to emotional distress.”

[From the Associated Press]

Not that a coked-out, crazed Lindsay Lohan isn’t infliction of emotional distress in and of herself, but thanks to Lohan’s unbalanced and dangerous behavior, they all ended up with guns pointed at them. That’s certainly traumatizing.

“The lawsuit doesn’t provide a reason for the chase. However, two men who claim they were unwilling passengers in the car driven by Lohan have said she was upset with the daughter of Michelle Peck. Peck was driving the vehicle carrying Rice. Rice ‘was convinced that their lives were in danger and that they had to outrun the pursuing car or they might be killed,’ the lawsuit said.

“Peck finally drove through a barricade and into the parking lot at the Santa Monica Civic Center next to police headquarters and the sport utility vehicle followed, the lawsuit said. Rice got out and ran toward police officers and saw a woman, who turned out to be Lohan, run from the SUV toward her, she contended. ‘Police officers approached all of them with guns drawn,’ the lawsuit said. Lohan was arrested a short time later.”

[From the Washington Post]

That must have been incredibly frightening, and I’m very sorry Ms. Rice had to go through that. But I have to admit the thought of a bunch of cops pointing their guns at Lindsay is the least she deserved that night. I hope it scared her like she scared all those passengers and motorists. I wonder how many of the other people involved that night will sue her? It seems like they’ve all got a pretty good case against her. Rageaholic actress steals car with two passengers already in it, refuses to let them out, chases the mother of her former assistant through L.A. at high speeds, and ends up getting arrested and testing positive for alcohol and drugs. I’m no lawyer, but considering Lohan’s well documented destruction, I’m guessing they’d all have cases. I really hope she gets served in rehab. She needs to actually understand that there are real consequences for her actions. Plus, the image of Lohan scrubbing toilets while being given legal papers will help me sleep a little better tonight.