Shocking no one, some etiquette-book writer is complaining about the effects of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan on society. Jordan Christy, master of the obvious and author of How To Be a Hepburn in a Hilton World, claims in a chapter titled “Stupid Girls” that “we can’t rely on the girls splashed across Page Six to hold up their feminine honor and reputation.” Page Six has the basics of the etiquette lesson:

PARIS Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are dissed big-time in a new etiquette book, “How To Be a Hepburn in a Hilton World,” out in August.

In a chapter called “Stupid Girls,” author Jordan Christy laments how “smart, classy and successful ladies’ slots on the local news have been supplanted with a play-by-play of Paris’ clinkworthy antics and Lindsay’s spiral into rehab.”

She urges society to embrace “real women with brains, beauty and self-respect” because, “we can’t rely on the girls splashed across Page Six to hold up their feminine honor and reputation.”

[From Page Six]

Good advice, I suppose. Girls should not look at Paris or Lindsay as any kind of role model. But what about the guys who think Paris and Lindsay are some kind of quality girlfriend? Last week, Jaybird gave a word of warning to Paris Hilton’s newest guy, Real Madrid soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo, saying “rampant syphilis can knock any man off his game.” I think Jaybird should stitch that on a pillow and hand it out to Paris Hilton’s prospective boyfriends. Perhaps Ronaldo was already warned, though, because he seems to be done with Paris after a particularly disturbing night in which Paris threatened to move to Madrid with Ronaldo just so they could be the younger, cooler, more famous version of Posh and Becks. Of course, this is according to News of the World - but I tend to think it’s in line with what I already think of Paris, and anyone dumb enough to be seen in public with her:

Paris, 28-who spent Wednesday and Thursday night with Ronaldo-wants to kick-start her flagging career by moving back to Madrid with him. The fame-hungry professional party-girl has designs of them becoming the new Posh and Becks.

She dumped her US TV star and baseball ace boyfriend Doug Reinhardt on Tuesday, when she heard mega-bucks Ronaldo was in LA, we can reveal.

Then she brazenly pursued her goal of scoring with the footballer by telling him within a few hours of meeting him: “We could be great together, you know.”

“We’re both so famous we’d become even bigger than David Beckham and Posh Spice. We’re way hotter and younger than them anyway!” She was overheard at her sister Nicky’s house, where the pair spent the night.

Afterwards Paris giggled to a friend: “I told him I’m going to move to Madrid to be with him. I promised.”

The pal told us: “Doug was just a washed-up reality TV star. All of a sudden there wasn’t as much interest in Paris, and her appearance fees were cut dramatically. She was working like a dog to make the same amount of money as before. She knows if she wins over Ronaldo she’ll be one of the hottest properties again.”

Don’t put money on that just yet . . .

[From News of the World]

So, was Paris really attracted to Ronaldo, or was she just a fame-seeking whore-missile after her “relationship” with Doug “Budget Ryan Reynolds” Reinhardt ended? I’d never really thought of Paris as the girl who was even conscious of upgrading and downgrading guys, I’ve always thought she was just happy to spread her legs for whatever guy was around. Her dating history doesn’t really read like a Who’s Who of “catches” but maybe there’s some method to Paris’s madness. Or maybe she’s just ridiculously stupid, and we’re the ones over thinking this.

Paris is shown outside Mr. Chow with her family on 6/12/09. She looks like she’s going figure skating. Credit: Horizonpix/Fame Pictures

There are few things Paris Hilton naturally does well, apart from standing, wagging her one wonky eye at us, and exhaling in disgust. But one of the very few things Paris naturally does well is bring the drama. Professional soap opera writers do not know how to bring the drama like Paris. And to top that off, no one knows how to make sure an event never gets too classy like Paris. Or anyone who chooses to bring Paris to an event. Given all that, it’s surprising many guys would be willing to deal with her for long. Sure her body is okay but you’ve still got to deal with the face – and that’s in addition to all of her lovely personality “quirks.”

Everyone’s been wondering what went down between Paris and ex-boyfriend Doug Reinhardt that lead to their breakup the other night. Naturally we assumed Paris and her wandering herpes felt the irrepressible urge to move onwards. But apparently it was a bit more dramatic – surprise! – than that. And naturally involved fruit and ice thrown at a former beauty queen. As most rational breakups do.

PARIS Hilton and Doug Reinhardt broke up Tuesday night after the heir-head made a huge scene at the Darkroom club in Los Angeles by hurling fruit and ice cubes at a younger, hotter blonde. According to a spokesperson for Texas beauty queen Kendhal Beal, Paris went into “a tirade” because Beal was partying with Reinhardt, Hilton’s beau of six months. The rep told us, “Kendhal and a friend of hers ended up at Darkroom, where Doug and Brody Jenner were hanging out.” Beal and Jenner have been reported to be dating on and off since last year.

“Kendhal knows Brody and Doug, and so they were talking and catching up. They all took a shot and were watching the Lakers game,” said the rep. “But Paris got word that Doug was at the bar, and she showed up and started going at it.” Beal’s rep told Page Six, “Paris was picking up ice and fruit and throwing it at Kendhal — she was the victim. Kendhal did nothing offensive or aggressive. Paris was throwing accusations, calling her names. It was the same thing you always hear about Paris and her tirades.”

[From Page Six]

I’d want to throw fruit at a girl named Kendall if she spelled her name Kendhal to. Try saying that without coming off all breathy, haughty, and sorta “I’m going to blow my stank breath all over you.” Yep, can’t be done. Never thought I’d agree with Paris on anything until now.

According to Page Six and just about every other gossip site on the face of the planet, Paris – never one to stay in for a night moping over a guy when she could go out and get under another guy – hooked up with Madrid Real soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, and everyone is all atwitter about it.

CHAMPAGNE-swilling RONALDO celebrates his £80million transfer by sharing a raunchy night with PARIS HILTON… The winking winger, 24, kissed and cuddled the 28- year-old socialite in a Hollywood club before they headed to her sister’s home.. A clubber who witnessed their frolicking said: “They were sucking each other’s faces off like their plane was going down.

“At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy.” The pair were united in Hollywood’s posh My House nightspot as news broke that Man Utd had accepted the mega-offer for Ronaldo from Spanish giants Real Madrid… After sharing steamy cuddles and expensive champagne for two hours, Paris headed to sister NICKY’s home in the Hollywood Hills at 2.05am.

Ronaldo, 24, joined her there an hour later after a brief stopover at his hotel. He left at 5am with a broad grin plastered across his face. Paris, 28, last night confirmed she and the Portuguese wonder winger – now the world’s most expensive player – were an item. She told a pal: “He’s hot, a real athlete – and the chemistry between us was electric.” But in a withering put-down last night, Paris told a friend: “Cristiano’s much better than my ex. He was nothing but a low-paid minor league baseball player.”

Ronaldo is on holiday in California after Manchester United’s season ended in Premier League glory and Champions League defeat. Paris tried to pull him at the same time a year ago, thrusting herself at him in LA club Villa.

On that occasion the player knocked her back. But he never fell off her radar. And a pal said: “She was determined to get her man this time. And what Paris wants, Paris gets… She has been telling anyone who will listen that Ronaldo is the hottest thing she has ever seen… She thinks he is sexy and exotic, and loves his body. And she loves men with accents. She says it’s like an aphrodisiac.”

[From the Sun]

There are more disgustingly specific details but I just can’t stomach them anymore. Look Ronaldo, I don’t follow the sports as well as I should. They all blend into one dull game of balls and nets to me. But I know this much: rampant syphilis can knock any man off his game. I don’t care what you’ve got going for you – money, fame, chicks, whatever. If you’re carrying around an entire Planned Parenthood’s worth of Paris Hilton-strain STDs, stuff’s going to start turning badly for you. Quickly. Even a year ago, you had the sense to tell that ho to take a hike. Now you get $80 and this is the time you settle? Really? Clearly money can’t buy taste. And according to these pictures on TMZ, Ronaldo doesn’t look like he’s all that into Paris’ business anyway.

This is such a cliché, but I really was eating my lunch when I started reading these stories. Let me tell you: two things will do wonders for your diet. Watching any kind of surgery on TLC and/or reading about Paris Hilton’s love life. I really think her tongue has been taken over by that bursting-alien-baby thing from “Alien.” It seems to be leading first and she’s just following.

Men of… well the whole world, to play it safe – Men of the world! Be on alert! There is a disgusting, germ-filled trollip on the loose! She wants your wallet and your crotch! If you’ve had enough to drink, it might not seem like the worst idea ever. But in two months when she’s flatly telling David Letterman about how much you want to marry her, you WILL regret it. No man is safe. The entire human race should feel uneasy until Paris Hilton is either locked up or gets married.

Here are Paris and Nicky leaving My House nightclub while holding hands on Wednesday. Images thanks to WENN.com . Ronaldo is shown leaving after the Hiltons. Images thanks to BauerGriffinOnline.

The Daily Mail has an exclusive story that Paris Hilton was rebuffed by soccer player Ronaldo at Vila nightclub last night. It’s possible all they know is that both Paris and this guy Cristiano Ronaldo, who plays for Manchester United, were at the same club at the same time. But if this has a shred of truth to it then Paris and Benji Madden have probably hit a rough patch at the very least:

The Manchester United striker – currently in LA on an undisclosed business trip – arrived at trendy hotspot Villa in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

A source said: ‘Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.
‘At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.

‘But Ronaldo clearly wasn’t interested in Paris. He turned his back on her.’

According to reports, the 23-year-old Portugese star is a single man after splitting from model Nereida Gallardo, 25.

And heiress Paris, clad in a peach-coloured dress, was clearly impressed by his charms.

The onlooker added: ‘Every girl in the club was checking him out but Paris couldn’t take her eyes off him.

‘You could tell he enjoyed the attention but he didn’t really want anything to do with any of the girls.

[From The Daily Mail]

Maybe Paris just wanted to talk to this guy because he looked important, but I bet she did make a play for him. If that was the case what happened with Benji? They were last spotted out together on Sunday and both of them have been outspoken about their love for each other. Benji even called Paris “wife material” in an interview.

JayBird reported on Sunday that Paris has been staying at Benji’s house, which is right next door to Nicole Richie and Benji’s brother Joel’s house. Paris has been calling the paparazzi to alert them to her whereabouts which is said to royally piss off Nicole, who values her privacy at home. Maybe Nicole had a little talk with Joel and then Joel told Benji that Paris isn’t the best choice for a mate. You would live the rest of your life in the fishbowl that Paris so carefully decorates and cleans daily. Even foreign soccer players know enough to stay out of her airless orbit.

Paris is shown out in Hollywood last night. I love that boob check she’s doing. Ronaldo is also shown out last night. He just had surgery on his knee. Credit: WENN