Tom Cruise opens up about his painful childhood in an upcoming interview with Parade magazine. He could not rely on his father, who was unpredictable and abusive:

Tom said that he felt like an outcast as a child and had “no really close friend.” His battle with dyslexia served to further isolate him and was “an absolute affront to my dignity.”

We feel sorry for Tom, and have some insight into his character. It’s still not a good enough excuse for him to serve as a spokesperson for the cult of Scientology.

Liz Smith points out that it doesn’t matter if Tom gets bad press - as long as he continues to get press. Tom made a fool of himself while promoting War of the Worlds on Oprah and The Today Show. War of the Worlds was a big hit though, and Smith predicts MI3 will be, too.

Tom seems to realize this, and has even pledged to go back on the Today Show with Matt Lauer!

Smith also provides insight as to why Cruise would be sharing stories of his dysfunctional childhood at this point in his career:

Meanwhile press-hungry Tom has confirmed that he plans to marry his pregnant fiance Katie this summer. He may not have have much time to spend with his new bride while he’s promoting Mission Impossible 3.

So Kabbalah is ahead in the battle of the celebrity-favorite cults this week. Cult News reports that illiterate Victoria Beckham has been wearing a red string on her left hand, the Kaballah talisman that supposed to ward off the evil eye. (A red string on the right hand is a symbol of anorexic pride, and given Posh’s stick-thin figure and low level of intelligence, it is possible that she simply confused the two.) This means that she may have picked Madonna’s cult Kaballah over Tom Cruise’s cult Scientology, which she was supposed to be considering based on her friendship with Katie Holmes.

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Cindy Adams reports in The NY Post that Lindsay Lohan is also wearing a red string. We pointed out that she had a Kaballah string on at the GM fashion show at the beginning of March. It is indeed not a one-time thing and she mentions to Adams that’s she’s clinging to anything in order to get some sanity:

There are much healthier, safer things to get you through the day Lindsay. Exercise, music, even an occasional drink for one. You’re better off with a hangover and some embarassing pictures than getting involved with the Kabbalah cult.

In terms of Posh’s choice, she may have picked the lesser of two very real evils.

Katie Holmes was photographed going for a walk in Beverly Hills last night after her baby shower at the Scientology Center earlier that day. She was walking with her mother and Tom’s mother and told a photographer that her baby shower was “Lovely.”

An unsubstantiated report that Katie gave birth in Toledo, OH on Friday shows the press’ obsession with the pregnant star. The media is now said to be on “baby alert” and is anxiously awaiting the newborn that the cult of Scientology likens to the second coming.

You know the Scientologists did some freaky initiation rite for Tom’s spawn at her “baby shower.” We just hope that the poor thing isn’t traumatized for life after it’s left alone for a day then cared for by the brainwashed automatons for the first three days of its life. It’s probably a lot easier to stay silent during childbirth than it is to hand over your newborn.

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Isaac Hayes’ camp has responded to the allegations that the Scientologists faxed in Hayes’ resignation from South Park when he was laid up from a stroke. They say that Hayes only had high blood pressure, and that he was the one who decided to quit. It may be true that Hayes’ medical condition was not that serious, but we doubt Hayes was the one to quit. He is said to have loved his job. E! News also notes that this seems uncharacteristic of Hayes, who said that everyone is fair game on South Park and that he didn’t think people should be offended by it:

No matter what happened, Hayes is never going to talk. Scientologists gather personal secrets about converts in the early stages of indoctrination in a process called “auditing.” Eliciting confessions is a common practice of cults and gives them leverage if a member criticizes their practices or tries to leave the fold.

John Travolta and Tom Cruise are said to have gay experiences in their past that would be released by the Scientologists if they ever attempted to leave. Indeed, Scientology is known for releasing personal information and often hires private detectives to dig up information on critics.

Hayes did not admit to seeing the popular South Park episode that depicts the death of his character, Chef. He is said to have “left it behind him” and is now looking forward to the upcoming birth of a baby with his fourth wife.

We have no clue if Independence Day has some significance to the cult of Scientology, although the movie of the same name certainly has some parallels with their belief system. Rumor has it that Tom and Katie plan to get married on the Fourth of July according to the magazines Celebrity Living and Star:

This isn’t the first time we’ve heard about upcoming wedding plans for the two, so take this for the rumor that is is. We are still waiting for news of Tom’s ex, Nicole Kidman’s supposed upcoming wedding to Keith Urban. It is a smidgen more substantial now that two gossip rags have jumped on the news.

Here are pictures of Katie and Tom out last night.

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I wanted to write another story about how disgusted I am at the way the Scientologists treat little babies, but there’s a lot more going on, so here’s a recap of all the crazy shit that’s been happening with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and their cult religion.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes visited the Yahoo! Sunnydale, CA campus yesterday for no clear reason except publicity. Gambling site 911daily, which is taking bets on the fetus’ name, has an insider’s view of the proceedings. Tom actually did jump on a couch, arm wrestled Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, and said that Katie was having his “third child” in a “few weeks.” Tom flew himself to the event, and was 45 minutes late due to the weather. He jumped in a Ducati off the tarmac and ran through the Yahoo! campus to get to the event. Katie came in separately.

Meanwhile blogs are buzzing that Yahoo! staffers see Cruise’s visit as a lame attempt by Yahoo! to go Hollywood.

Cruise is being lambasted for his role as the most visible spokesperson for the cult of Scientology. A new ad claims that a woman was stabbed to death by her schizophrenic son because he was treated with vitamins instead of psychiatric drugs in accordance with the church’s belief system.

So now Tom says via his publicist that he didn’t threaten Viacom to not publicize MI3 if South Park’s “Trapped in the Closet” aired again. This seems untrue in light of South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s hilarious statement:

Yeah, I know you’ve already read it, but it’s quite clever. Cult expert Rick Ross points out that the Latter Day Saints can take a joke much better than the Scientologists.

You’ve probably already seen these pictures too. Here are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at Conner’s softball game on Saturday. I’m sure he’s thrilled to have his dad and his dad’s girlfriend there along with the team of photographers that follow them everywhere.

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Four more after the jump.

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Cults trap members into what cult expert Margaret Singer called a “closed system of logic” where only pro-cult rhetoric is permitted. Cults seek to impair and dismiss personal reasoning skills so that members can’t think themselves out of the situation.

Case in point: Juliette Lewis, 32, and Kirstie Alley, 55, long term members of the cult of Scientology. Lewis, appearing with her band Juliette and the Licks at the SXSW music festival in Austin on 3/17, wore a skin tight lemon-yellow body suit with criss cross metal buttons. Alley fared slightly better while also wearing a skin tight outfit at Celebrity Fight Night 12. Alley donned a fitted lingerie slip with a lacey flared bolero jacket.

Whether these two could benefit from the psychiatric drugs forbidden by their cult is up to debate. We think they might dress better if they were simply able to think for themselves.

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Tom Cruise stopped a re-airing of the infamous “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park on Comedy Central by telling parent company Viacom that he wouldn’t promote Mission Impossible III if it was shown. The episode makes fun of Cruise’s cult religion, Scientology, and suggests that the actor is gay. You can watch it here. Isaac Hayes, who plays chef, recently quit the show after the same episode offended his cult sensibility.

For their part, Comedy Central said that they pulled the episode because they wanted to pay tribute to Chef with different episodes that feature Hayes.

Meanwhile Cult News reports that Cruise may have his wide-eyed paramour, Katie Holmes, give birth on a boat or in a Scientology compound so he has maximum control over the event. Scientology edicts require the mother to stay silent during the birth and stipulate that the baby should be left alone for a day and removed from the mother for three days after birth. Katie is said to be resisting the separation from her newborn. She is due in a month or two.

Here are pictures of the two at the World Baseball Classic in Angel Stadium last night.

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Five more pictures after the jump.

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No wonder they’re fighing so much. The Enquirer is set to report that Tom and Katie got married in a tripped-out Scientology ceremony at sea eight months ago:

Katie’s family was not there, and of course Tom’s rep is denying it.

They were married in some freaky ritual. Now when they break up all of Katie’s thetans will come back to torment her with their memories of mass extinction and she’ll never achieve a state of clarity like Tom Cruise.