Dane Cook sure has a funny version of reality. It seems like most celebs think the world operates in a way that is uniquely focused on them. To be fair, we all do this a bit, but celebrities often have this notion reinforced. Cook is no exception. He was evicted from his apartment by a judge because he failed to clean up after his constantly pooping dog. The other tenants didn’t appreciate it, so they took action. And not surprisingly, the court sided with Cook.

However the comedian is fighting back – and using humor as his defense. Probably because that’s the only one he’s got. He claims humorous spirits haunt his apartment - not in the literal way, but in the inspiring way. And he’ll lose his joke mojo if he moves.

After a judge ruled to evict Cook from his Hollywood apartment last month because nobody picked up after the comic’s crap-happy dog, Dane has decided to fight the decision with one of the most bizarre legal arguments we’ve ever heard –- that Belushi and Martin’s supernatural leftovers have a serious affect on his career.

Cook claims he only rented the apartment in the first place because his heroes, Belushi and Martin, used to live in the same complex back in the day, and according to the court docs filed in L.A. County Superior Court, he would suffer serious “mental and emotional” damage — and his career would crumble — if he was forced to leave. In the docs, Cook claims, “I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration.”

Cook went on to say, “In the same way that writers can get writer’s block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and ’stories’; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I’ve seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it’s destroyed careers.”

In the three pages of desperate begging and pleading for the judge to hear his appeal, Cook also adds that he will cut a $40,000 check to the owner of the apartment ASAP to cover all of the suffering that his dookie-droppin’ doggie has caused, if he is allowed to stay.

No word if Cook channeled Belushi to pen this appeal -– but it did smell suspiciously like a bottle of Jack Daniels.

[From TMZ]

I appreciate artistic temperaments and creative are fickle forces, and everyone has their own way of finding inspiration. But I swear to God this better be a joke, and just some lame last-ditch effort to stay in his pad. Honestly, I don’t think it is. Either Cook really believes this stuff or is pretending to believe it. Considering all the bullshit the judge didn’t buy from him before, I can’t imagine he’d go for anything now.

On the other hand, I can’t figure out why it’s so important he stay in this particular apartment, and why Cook would fight so hard instead of just move. I’m not going to say he’s a comedic genius or anything close to it, but maybe he does believe there’s something about that place. Maybe he just associates it with a productive time in his life and that subconsciously helps him out. Either way, I think a U-Haul is in order.

Dane Cook is shown performing on 12/1/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

Irresponsible dog owner Dane Cook can’t be bothered to pick up his dog’s poop after multiple, multiple warnings. He should be grateful he’s achieved his level of fame despite pretty accurate allegations of jacking other people’s jokes and not making them any funnier. True to form, Cook is complaining on his myspace about the movie poster for his upcoming film with Jason Biggs and Kate Hudson, My Best Friend’s Girl. He’s right, the poster looks slapped together by someone who just learned how to use the pen tool in Photoshop, but maybe he should talk to producers and not air his grievances online. Lesser mortals have been fired for blogging negatively about their jobs. I would guess he has producers’ blessings though and that someone slapped this thing together to give him something to “joke” about and get the film some advance buzz:

Before the downpour let me just say that my new movie, “My Best Friends Girl,” is the best / funniest film I’ve done yet. It’s got a terrific cast. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, Jason Biggs, and myself really kicked the funny around. This movie showcases our talents accordingly as it expands on them. It’s a fun R-rated flick. An edgy comedy with a dash of romance.

That being said, let me address the fact that although I’m not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years self promoting. I’d like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.

Here are a few things that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release of the film opening on September 19th:

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:
It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh:
It’s no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin’ bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “shit … that guys got flawless skin!”

7. Hair:
It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.

8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.

Granted, one poster stinking up the joint isn’t the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.

Thanks again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) watch it below! Just click of the mute button and your rolling!

PS - “Its funny what love can make you do.” I just threw up all over this awful poster.
Wow, wait … it looks better.

Hey … I love my new movie. Jeez … it IS funny what love can make you do.

[From Dane Cook's myspace via WeSmirch]

Maybe he’s trying in his own back asswards way to promote the film. Cook knows complaining will generate controversy and coverage, and he tries to temper his bitching with plenty of compliments for the movie. It’s possible this whole thing is a publicity stunt and they deliberately put out this bad poster to give fodder to Cook. Maybe it was his idea in the first place. What makes the poster suspicious is that Cook’s face has been obviously altered while both Hudson and Biggs look relatively normal.

Here’s the trailer. It looks completely predictable and annoying - except for Alec Baldwin. That man is teh sex. You can mock me all you want, I’m not changing my mind.

Comedian Dane Cook’s landlord is trying to evict him for basically never cleaning up his miniature pinscher’s poop from the common areas of his West Hollywood apartment complex. Both Cook and his girlfriend have been warned multiple times and put on notice by their neighbors and the landlord, who was forced to start eviction proceedings when they continually refused to pick up their dog’s nasty presents. There are even “no dog poop” signs right on the yard where Cook was letting his dog defecate without apparently picking up a single pile. The case has now gone to trial, where it will be decided by jury.

Cook’s lawyer questioned potential jurors ahead of the trial, trying to weed out people who have the crazy idea that it’s grosser to step in dog poop than some minty gum:

Cook’s landlord has gone to court, trying to get the “comedian” evicted because his dog habitually craps in the public areas of the apartment building. Dane’s lawyer is asking prospective jurors a number of revealing questions, including:

- What’s worse. Stepping in gum or stepping in dog poop?
- If you live next to a park and saw dog poop, would you avoid that park?
- Would you confront someone about spitting out gum on the sidewalk or not picking up dog poop in a public place?
- Would you confront a neighbor about picking up after their dog?

From TMZ

There is no way the defense would pick me for that jury. My husband and I recently moved to Berlin and after a few months I’m still steamed nearly every day when I encounter piles of dog crap on the sidewalk. I was practically screaming when my son got out of the car yesterday and almost stepped in a pile. It is socially acceptable to let your dog crap on the sidewalk here and I have stepped in sh&t more in the few months I’ve lived here than my entire life leading up to this point. I now carry plastic lunch bags in my purses and pick up the crap when I go for a walk it’s near my house and my family is likely to step in it, but it’s hard to avoid it when you’re on a bike. (For the record this is a lovely city and I really like the people and all the great things to do here. I would highly recommend you visit. This is a major pet peeve of mine, though, and the main thing that distracts from an otherwise wonderful place for me.)

TMZ also reports that the jury is due to see a video of Cook’s squatting dog, aptly named “Beast,” which will prove beyond a doubt that he’s the owner who is irresponsibly leaving bacteria bombs all over the lawn. Cook should get his unfunny ass evicted, and he should be forced to pay a fine to the neighbors he’s inconvenienced during the time he’s lived there. Cook could potentially use this experience for material for his mostly plagiarized routine, but Louis CK (link leads to video) probably cleans up after his dog.

The main reason I’m covering this story is so I can complain about my hoity toity neighbors and their tiny dogs leaving crap on the grass next to the sidewalk for my husband and me to step in before we get into the car. I live in Berlin and people rarely clean up after their dogs here. It’s been about four months since I moved here and I’ve stepped in dog crap twice as compared to that same number of times in the years leading up to this point. It’s the best place I’ve lived in a lot of ways, but the random scheisse surprises really bring it down a few notches.

So if I thought Dane Cook was an unfunny plagiarist before, I now have a more personal reason to dislike him: he doesn’t clean up after his dog. In fact his neighbors put him on notice to do it, and he still left dog crap on the ground. So they got it on tape and are taking him to court.

Cook is at war with the owners of the West Hollywood apartment complex where he lives for not picking up after his dog, Beast. “Neither he nor his girl friend pick up after the dog,” said a source. “They’ve sent him three notices so far over the last year warning him he’ll be evicted, and they have video. The neighbors all hate him.” The landlord has now filed a complaint in court. “Dane vigorously denies the allegations in the complaint and is looking forward to complete vindication through the legal proceedings,” said his rep Ina Treciokas. Another source said “a number of witnesses” will come for ward to speak on Cook’s behalf if the case goes to trial.

[From the NY Post]

In Germany plastic bags cost like .20 a piece, so you can see people being cheap about carrying them around to clean up, but they’re free in America so you don’t even have that lame excuse. You’re also considered a social pariah in America if you don’t clean up after your dog, and many people do it out of obligation, but not Cook. He doesn’t seem to have moral compass required to actually care if he steals from some and majorly inconveniences others. Maybe it will matter to him once he gets kicked out of his apartment.

Dane Cook is shown at the “Fun Fearless Male of the Year” awards on 3/3/08, thanks to PRPhotos.

Here in the Boston area, the number-one afternoon radio show is WBCN’s Toucher and Rich show, which gained popularity after the NYC duo Opie and Anthony were thrown off the air. Over the last couple of weeks, Toucher and Rich have been hosting their own version of March Madness, pitting stand-up comedians against each other and urging listeners to call in to vote for the least funny comedian. Boston’s own Dane Cook is set to be named the winner today, after a record number of local listeners called in to vote.

THERE’s nothing amusing about Dane Cook, according to fellow comics and two Boston radio personalities who are about to name him “The Unfunniest Comic” this afternoon.

WBCN jock Fred Toucher, who co-hosts a talk show with Rich Shertenlieb weekday afternoons in Boston, says Cook is the overwhelming favorite in a tournament patterned after NCAA basketball’s March Madness, where he’s ahead of Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy, Carlos Mencia and Paula Poundstone.

“We were talking about how people laugh out loud at nonsense and Dane is a good example of that,” Toucher told Page Six. “We’d listen to him and at the end of four minutes he’d change subjects, and that was it. We couldn’t figure out when the joke was.

“And he’s actually hated. People don’t hate others they way they do him. At least Foxworthy panders to rednecks. Dane’s stories are so weak you wouldn’t want to hear them over lunch.”

Cook, 36, has been accused of stealing jokes by Louis CK, Demetri Martin, Joe Rogan and others. And the big-headed comic is also known for his huge ego and his diva-like demands.

The star of such movie stinkers as “Employee of the Month” and “Good Luck Chuck” allegedly was also once tossed out of Smith & Wollensky steak house because he was so difficult. “His assistant ordered for him. He got a steak and sent it back three times,” said one employee. “The chef was furious. Eventually we told him enough is enough.”

And one insider on the set of the TBS World Series commercials Cook filmed last year said he demanded blocks of tickets for postseason games in return for filming the commercials for free.

“He doesn’t recall ever being to Smith & Wollensky,” said Cook’s spokeswoman Ina Treciokas. “He did go to Houston’s when he was in town a few weeks ago and ordered chicken, which he did not send back. As for the [baseball] campaign, he did it for free. In return, they gave him two tickets to any baseball game over the next three years, and he’s been to five games so far.” Treciokas added: “He is a triple-platinum artist who’s sold 32,000 tickets on his last tour in Boston and 365,545 tickets in 25 cities over the course of the entire tour.”

[From Page Six]

I listened to a lot of the contest, and I must say, Dane Cook may not be the funniest stand up comedian, but I don’t know what he did to deserve so much vitriol. There was a time when Cook was the pride of Boston- selling out the Fleet Center (now the TDBanknorth Garden) in record time and starring in a top-rated HBO stand-up special. But all that changed when he started doing crappy movies and secretly dating Jessica Simpson. Still, I don’t think he deserved to be voted “Unfunniest.” Even the show’s DJ’s were stunned- they had their money on “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno.

Note by Celebitchy: A lot of comedians accuse Cook of stealing their material, and there’s evidence that he does. Red Ban links to an audio comparison of a set that Dane Cook did in 2003 with a 2001 CD put out by Louis CK. Dane did the same jokes in the same set as on Louis CK’s CD. I listened to the comparison and neither was particularly funny.

I wonder if Cook is going to respond to this unfunniest title on his myspace. Either Cook or one of his people got in an extended flame war through myspace last year with Best Week Ever blogger Alex Blagg after he wrote a negative article about him. Dane claims that his myspace was hacked and that it wasn’t him sending all the obnoxious messages.

Dane Cook is shown performing on 12/1/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

It’s been widely rumored that comic Dane Cook steals his material from other comics and then has his people pay them off under the table to avoid lawsuits. Along with being unoriginal, his people sure take offense when bloggers dare write something bad about him.

Whoever runs Dane’s official myspace sent a baiting message to Best Week Ever writer Alex Blagg after Blagg wrote some crap about him. Then when Blagg got back to Dane’s myspace asking him why anyone cares about what he writes he received a long mistake-filled e-mail back. The diatribe is full of personal attacks and angry accusations and doesn’t make a lot of sense. Someone’s got issues:

you wish you were Dane Cook and that’s one of your problems. your an elitist dolt with nothing but a crappy unfunny bio. Or as we call you “alt”

if i am DC or not doesn’t really matter. i got into your head and thats all i wanted. once you start posting your jealous “remarks” .. and in forums it is not just your private opinion anymore. So not everyone that reads it thinks your an adorable heavy set treat with your witty quips. I demur that position you take sir.

my remark lets see — well — is you’re a nobody douche with low self esteem that wishes he could contribute anything to this world so how do you do it? Hmmm I guess your a critic of people? That is your new title AB the critic of people! How does that pay when you’re not working at the kinkos or is it home depot?

your parents must me so proud. Let’s call them together and tell them about your latest post!

I look forward to your reply. I wager you sit writing and re-writing for well over an hour. Heart pounding trying to think of the perfect phrase or wording to get back at me at someone you dont know at all but you are great at that right? How can you take down someone that gave you the opportunity to speak at all? Go ahead sweetness write back with your well oiled quips — call a friend maybe they will help write it. Or better yet do what you ALWAYS do and take out your lack of worth on Dane Cook and others that work hard, contribute and get their goals — the ones that CAN’T FIGHT YOU because they are too busy and have too much to do to even notice you.

You would never in a million blogs say anything to anyones face you scared kitty. i bet my eyes on it.

Man think about your mom and dad. Fuck they must wish they had a son that was worth something more than a blogging hater. Don’t worry Alex you’re not the only one who is getting this treatment from me. See you’re not that special even in bs like this. I just love turning the hard light on some of you bitter pills.

THAT is your legacy. Think about those words Alex Blagg. THAT is what your name has earned.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. A commentor on Best Week Ever notes that “I wrote about him slightly negatively on my blog last year and he sent me an email within hours.”

Does anyone think this guy is funny? He only came up on my radar when he appeared in that terribly boring movie with Jessica Simpson and was rumored to be banging her briefly. Pajiba critic Dustin Rowles says of Cook:

Dane Cook is that dumbass who shows up to every (every) concert you’ve ever been to in your life and screams in between every single motherfucking song break, “Freebird! Hey, Man. Play Freebird!”

Apparently, he or his minions also get into drunken fights with the guys trying to watch the concert who tell him to STFU. People who do that online are called trolls.

Dane’s publicist swears he didn’t write that message and says there are all sorts of fake myspace sites out there. The message came from his official myspace page, though, the one he links from his website.

Cook is said to let his sister and family members manage his myspace page and add friends for him, and it’s possible one of them wrote that message. The target of that unintelligible e-mail, Alex Blagg, tells Radar Online:

I can confirm with absolute certainty they came from the Official MySpace Page he’s so famous for, which means if Dane didn’t send them, all his millions of MySpace friends are actually interacting with some other douchebag who can’t take a joke.”

Update: Dane Cook blogged that his myspace was hacked and said that was how the e-mail was sent to Alex Blagg. Given how much better he writes and how different the tone is, I sort of believe it wasn’t him. He doesn’t help his cause by dissing bloggers and going on about how there are more important things in life like people fighting in Iraq. He dismisses all the controversy as noise because he doesn’t agree with bloggers’ opinions. Just like making shit jokes, writing about celebrities online is a job. We’re not making jokes on stage, but it’s entertainment and has a similar place in society. Isn’t he supposed to understand the Internet since he’s an early adopter? (And we also support our troops while hoping they come home as soon as possible. How is caring about the world and dissing people incompatible?)

If Cook is to be believed and he didn’t write it, then a likely scenario is that it was someone close to him with access to the site. He didn’t really endear himself to bloggers in his response, though.