Victoria Beckham says she’s actually a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. From all the reruns of “Will & Grace” I’ve seen lately, I’m under the stereotypical impression that that’s every gay man’s fantasy. Trapped in an ultra-thin fashionista’s body? Married to David Beckham? Okay to be fair there’s a chance it’s half my fantasy too. Speaking of stereotypes, it appears that Victoria’s impression of gay men follows all the classics… though despite my joking, I’m not sure how accurate it is.

Victoria Beckham has said she is a gay man trying to escape from a woman’s body and that she sleeps in the nude. In the new issue of Elle magazine, Posh said: ‘I’m so camp! I’m such a gay man trying to get out. I don’t give a [bleep] what anybody thinks!’

She also spoke of her sleeping habits with husband David Beckham. ‘I sleep naked,’ she revealed. ‘I’m going to be naked if I’m getting in bed with him every night.’

The 33-year-old, who is back on tour with The Spice Girls, put the boot into the wannabes trying to steal her celeb queen crown. ‘There are so many - and I hate the word celebrities - clothing lines and fragrances, and most of them have nothing to do with it.

[From Metro UK]

Victoria sure does seem the type to just throw caution to the wind. Boy they’re really trying to push the whole, “Posh Spice has lots of personality/is loads of fun/is totally a ham!” angle lately. Bad PR flashback anyone? I’m sorry, I’m not buying it. I’ve seen Posh smile twice in photos in the last ten years, and both times it’s because David Beckham made his peck muscles dance. The only way I can guarantee that she’s like a gay man is that she wants to sleep naked next to David. Although that also makes her like a straight woman. Frankly, it probably makes her like 99% of the reasonable population. I don’t want to meet the person who wouldn’t sleep naked next to David Beckham if given the chance.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Victoria with Dita Von Teese at Paris Fashion Week on October 5th. Clearly she’s camp and doesn’t give a f%$# what anybody thinks. Photos thanks to PR Photos.

The Beckhams seem about as popular Down Under as they are in Los Angeles, but even in LA David Beckham wouldn’t dare snub adorable children with cancer, would he?

Apparently he might have. A group of children were waiting outside of his hotel for autographs, a group of children with cancer, when he was whisked away into the foyer and never signed a single soccer ball.

“I would never have done that. Never have done, never will do. I’m more than willing to meet them wherever they want and at whatever time that they want,” said a surprised Beckham when journalists asked him why he had snubbed the children.

Fourteen-year-old leukemia survivor Emma Byers was left in tears after failing to give the former Manchester United and Real Madrid superstar a toy kangaroo as a welcome present.

“I’m quite happy to accept that he didn’t see the children. The kids were off to the side. The cameras were flashing. It was a bit dark,” her mother Anita told Australian Associated Press.

[New Zealand Herald]

Considering that the children didn’t have an organized meeting with Beckham it seems perfectly reasonable that he didn’t notice them.

Beckham later met with at least one of the children after his exhibition game in Sydney, little Emma mentioned in the article, but I think it was only so he could claim his toy kangaroo.

Becks, who hasn’t played much soccer this year after injuries kept him off the field, says his fitness ‘isn’t an issue’ and that he’ll play in all the exhibition games he’s scheduled to play in Sydney and Wellington. I guess fitness might not be an issue for him, but it might be for the accountants at Galaxy soccer club.

Becks is in Australia and New Zealand playing in exhibition games to raise the profile of soccer. Which is good, as there is no way that my son is playing football once he’s got his adult teeth.

Posh hasn’t joined her husband in Australia, but apparently decoy Victorias have been used to distract the paparazzi from David when entering hotels and press conferences. Where did they find someone that thin and haughty?

Picture note by Celebitchy: David Beckham is shown at the launch of the ‘Motorola Razr2 V8′ Luxury Edition mobile phone in Beijing, China on 11/24/07, and at a press conference in Sydney, Australia on 11/25. Thanks to WENN.

Who has the most enviable figure in the celebrity world?

A UK poll by fitness firm Premier Training International has come up with some less than predictable answers in a hot body poll.

Enviable Women

Myleene Klass - Big Brother contestant
Halle Berry - actress
Jessica Simpson - singer
Madonna - singer
Sophia Loren - actress
Angelina Jolie - actress
Uma Thurman - actress
Jennifer Aniston - actress
Gabby Logan - Strictly Come Dancing contestant

Enviable Men

Daniel Craig - actor
Jonny Wilkinson - rugby player
Brad Pitt - actor
Hugh Grant - actor
David Beckham - soccer player
Orlando Bloom - actor
Johnny Depp - actor
Lee Mead - Any Dream Will Do winner
Colin Firth - actor
Sir Sean Connery - actor

New Zealand Herald

It seems that being over 70 isn’t going to stop you from having an enviable body – Sophia Loren is 73 and Sir Sean Connery is 77. Checking out the pictures on IMDB I can only hope I look that good when I’m that sort of age, although I passed my mirror this morning and turned it to face the wall – but maybe by the time I’m old I’ll look better than I do now. Do you have to be good looking in your youth (I use the term loosely) to look good in your old age?

Also, it’s amazing that three of the celebrities are from reality TV shows. Myleene Klass was on last year’s Big Brother UK edition and she gained notoriety for her physique in a bikini. I’m amazed anyone can remember Big Brother from last year? Who can remember even last night’s reality TV?

Picture note by Celebitchy: Myleene Klass pregnant bikini picture from The Daily Mail. Die another Day, Dukes of Hazzard, and Troy movie stills from allmoviephoto. Brad Pitt Premiere cover from members.fortunecity.com/mattdamon. Shirtless Becks from PRPhotos.

The launch of Emporio Armani underwear collection is eminent. February will welcome the American branch of the line that has been available in Europe for years. Giorgio has tapped the assets of David Beckham to be the “face” of the campaign.

“WWD has learned Beckham has been signed as the global face of Emporio Armani underwear. Beckham was shooting the ad campaign in Los Angeles late last week with Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott. The ads will break in fashion magazines worldwide beginning with the January issues.”

[WWD]

The underwear designed by the fashion legend will hit Emporio stores December with a soft launch. Then in January Macy’s and Bloomingdales will carry the goods online. February will mark the official launch, which will bring the line into the stores themselves.

David Beckham is no stranger to the world of Armani. He and Giorgio designed the uniforms for the English soccer (football to the Europeans) team back in 2002. Armani has also been forging a relationship between fashion and sports for years. He is responsible for putting threads on the backs of Russell Crowe’s Australian rugby team. The players were also treated to front row seats at his fashion show in Milan.

I can just see models everywhere begin to nervously look into joining the football team. Then again, my idea of the male model is similar to the “Zoolander” movie. I picture men in thigh high shorts throwing a ball to one another and screaming, “I thought we agreed not to get the ball anywhere near our faces!”

Picture note by Celebitchy: David Beckham is shown at the premiere of “Lions For Lambs” on 11/1/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

I am sure it is strictly straight manly merriment. Like… ogling women and watching ninja movies. Tom Cruise is taking David out to turn his frown upside down. After landing a huge contract and revamping the LA Galaxy, Beckham was hoping to at least make it into MLS playoffs. Sadly, the team lost to Chicago and booted them out of the running for the playoffs.

“Disappointed Beckham had hoped for a better outcome in his first season in Los Angeles, and so Cruise has decided to treat his pal to some off-season shenanigans. He says, “We will go out and fly some airplanes or race some cars or something like that.”

[Starpulse]

The two BFF’s will attempt to replace the loss, but David Beckham already has something to smile about. The hunky soccer star “has beaten off competition” and won the “Most Masculine Man of the Year” award. AskMen.com created the poll on their website and narrowed the list down to the top 49. With over a million votes cast, the one month poll picked the finest of the male realm. Second place went to Matt Damon followed by Timbaland in 3rd. What shocked me was the fact that Justin Timberlake came in 5th. For some reason when I hear his falsetto in “Sexyback” I just don’t think “hmmmm, how masculine.”

Picture note by Celebitchy: Tom Cruise, David Beckham, Will Smith and their spouses are shown on 7/23/07 at a party at the Museum of Contemporary Art. That was when Jada looked like she was copying Posh, right down to the stupid faces she was pulling. Thanks to Splash News for this photo.

Despite being a bit estranged, David Beckham flew home to London today after learning that his father Ted had suffered a heart attack. Two years ago, Ted Beckham had written an unauthorized book titled, “David Beckham: My Son” that had reportedly caused a rift between father and son. However David still rushed home upon learning of his father’s condition.

“David Beckham flew back to the U.K. Thursday after his father, Ted Beckham, suffered a heart attack. The Los Angeles-based soccer star, 32, dropped everything and dashed to the airport as soon as he was told the news. ‘His father has had a heart attack and is currently being treated in [the] hospital,’ the athlete’s rep confirms. ‘David is flying back to be with him. He is obviously incredibly concerned and wants to be with him.’

“The elder Beckham, 59, from east London, suffered chest pains Wednesday evening. A London Ambulance Service spokeswoman confirms that its dispatchers were called and arrived just after 9:20 p.m. Ted Beckham underwent an operation to unblock his artery, his son’s rep tells PEOPLE. A spokeswoman at the London Chest Hospital says the elder Beckham is in ‘stable’ condition. He is reported to be in the intensive care unit.”

[From People]

And where is lovely wife Victoria Beckham, you ask? Well she was supposedly on “business” in Japan, but rushed to join her husband. And when they say business, I assume they mean the business of shopping, as that appears to be all Victoria does. And Japan would make a lot of sense – it’s a virtual treasure trove of Victoria Beckham-sized outfits.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s some old, but cute, Beckham photos from last September. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Though he injured his… ankle/knee/something below the thigh (I don’t really follow the sports) David Beckham won’t let that get in the way of loving the Posh bones. This morning he confirmed to Ryan Seacrest that the pair would like at least one or two more children, and they’re not letting David’s injury get in the way of another fat-free Posh pregnancy.

“David Beckham may have disappointed fans now that he is out for the season with an injury but his ‘Posh’ sex life with wife Victoria Beckham will continue. He told Ryan Seacrest that the couple wants more kids and that will mean practice, practice, practice. He said, ‘When we first met, we never even spoke about how many kids we wanted. It was just lucky that we both actually wanted around the same number. We both want four or five kids…we’re very family oriented.’

[From the National Ledger]

I’d be family oriented too if I were married to David Beckham. He also told Seacrest a little about adjusting to life in America, and said that for the most part, he and Posh love it.

“Us Weekly magazine has the interview excerpted online. Becks says on life in the U.S.: ‘We’re enjoying it. It’s a country that has sort of embraced us…everyone has been so positive, about not just me as a soccer player, but Victoria as a person…When she does a TV program or a radio program, people actually see what she’s like as a person and see that she’s got a great sense of humor…people really warm to her.’

“In the interview this morning on Seacrest’s L.A. radio show, Becks, 32, says that despite the honor of being admired by women the world over, it’s coming home to Posh, 33, and sons Brooklyn, 8, Romeo, 5, and Cruz, 2, that makes him happy.

“He added on the paparazzi: ‘It’s been pretty intense since we arrived…more than what we are used to. We’re used to being followed by four or five cars maybe, but to have forty seven cars in the first week, every day, following us, it was pretty insane.’”

[From the National Ledger]

That is pretty insane. As people that just look at the pictures, it’s hard to tell how much paparazzi there really are. Is it one lucky photographer, a huddle of 20, or fifty cars following you down the street? I can’t imagine living life under that kind of scrutiny. It would make everything you did feel kind of inauthentic, to have it all snapped by a bunch of strangers. It’d feel like you were always performing or something. Though for the insane money he makes, I think I’d handle it somehow. Probably by paying someone to go around and deflate the air from the all the paparazzi’s cars.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s David at his David Beckham Youth Soccer Clinic - August 17, 2007. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Photoshop composite from PlanetHiltron.com

This sounds like pure fabrication based on the known fact that Posh was gunning to buy Madonna’s LA mansion, but I’m not above reporting it because it’s pretty juicy. Victoria Beckham is said to have bugged the shit out of Madonna in order to get her hands on her LA place. Madonna wasn’t having it and doubled the price, but Posh called her bluff and was willing to meet Madonna’s demands. Madonna then took the house off the market and shut Posh down when she kept pleading with her for it, including telling her that her marriage with David depended on it:

Madonna recently put her LA house on the market, attracting the interest of, and a generous offer from, the Beckhams. The kudos of living in Madge’s old gaff was simply too much for Victoria to resist.

So far so good, until Madonna changed her mind about selling and, to put Victoria off, upped the price slightly. By $10m. Victoria’s response? To match the ridiculous new asking price, leaving an exasperated Madonna with nothing to do other than take the place off the market.

Cue Posh phoning Madonna endlessly, whining about how denying them their dream home would destroy her and David’s marriage. Madonna pointed out that she had a perfectly good reason for withdrawing the house from sale; it had an apartment in the grounds that was ideal for her elderly and ailing father who she wanted to do her best by.

Posh’s response? “Sell me the house and he can come to visit as often as he wants!”

All of which elicited a terse “Fuck off!” from Madonna before she slammed the phone down for good.

[From the Holy Moly e-mail newsletter]

The Beckhams are now settled in their Beverly Hills estate, complete with a state of the art 1/2 million closet organization computer to help Posh make sure she doesn’t wear the same tiny outfit and matching color Birkin bag twice in a row.

In a recent entry to her blog, Posh demonstrated that she hasn’t quite got a handle on American vernacular, calling their home “totally major”:

“I am loving our new house — it is totally major!” she gushed in the first update on her blog since they moved in. “Just adding some of the finishing touches to it actually and then it really will feel like home.”

Posh Spice raved about Los Angeles’ warm weather and said she’s been checking out the city’s restaurants and, as she called them, beauty parlors.

“Well, you never know when you might need a facial!” she wrote.

[MSNBC]

And her husband finally started earning his $250 million paycheck from LA Galaxy, scoring a goal against DC United on Wednesday after a knee injury sidelined him for 8 weeks. While her husband celebrated on the field Posh didn’t even crack a smile. Maybe she was thinking about Madonna’s refusal to sell her mansion at any cost.

There are some things in life money can’t buy. For all those other empty feelings there’s excessive consumerism and starving yourself.

Header picture is a Photoshop composite from the talented artist at PlanetHiltron. Who wants to look at another picture of Posh in bug glasses anyway?

David Beckham has been benched for 8 weeks since he sprained his left ankle on June 6 in a qualifier match for the European championship between England’s national team and Estonia. He’s hardly earning his $250 million paycheck from L.A. Galaxy. He’s definitely boosted ticket sales, but if he continues to be sidelined than revenue is likely to suffer.

Sunday’s match at Boston’s Gillette stadium between L.A. Galaxy and New England Revolution is sold out, as is tonight’s soccer match in RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C. against D.C. United. A lot of that is due to Beckham’s celebrity draw, which is rather unique in the sport of soccer.

In a press conference yesterday in Washington DC, Beckham said he wouldn’t start in tonight’s game, but that “hopefully, I’ll play some part of it.”

Boston fans are also hopeful that Beckham will strut his golden stuff at their match in three days, but it’s likely to only be for a short time.

Beckham trained for the first time with LA Galaxy just yesterday at RFK stadium in Washington DC. He was said to have only participated in “light training” and his ankle is still giving him trouble.

The manager of the England national football team, Steve McClaren, is set to visit Beckham in the states today, but Beckham doesn’t think that he’ll get to see him play that much. He thinks he’ll be good for about ten minutes play, and that he “can’t really apologise for being injured.”

But Beckham said that if McClaren was hoping to watch him play against DC United, he would see only him coming off the bench for a few minutes at best. The midfielder is struggling with an ankle injury that threatens to prevent him from playing in England’s Aug 22 friendly against Germany…

“I spoke to Steve a couple of days ago,” Beckham said. “We spoke about how my fitness was and how my ankle was. But whether it’s worth him coming over to see me for just 10 minutes I’m not so sure.”

Beckham took part in light training with his team-mates at the RFK Stadium yesterday - the first time he has practised along with the rest of the team since joining the club - but his ankle injury continues to bother him.

“He did train,” a Galaxy spokesman said. “He’s still doubtful for the game.”

DC United have sold all 45,000 tickets for a game that will be nationally televised.

Beckham, 32, added: “It’s an injury that everyone knew about when I first arrived. There will obviously be people who don’t understand, but I can’t really apologise for being injured, it’s a way of life for a sportsman. I’m hoping to spend some time on the field but that’s not definite yet.”

[From Telegraph.co.uk]

And rumor has it that the New England Revolution and the New England Patriots are setting up a hunky sports star pregame photo opportunity featuring David Beckham and new soon-to-be dad and fellow sports celebrity Tom Brady. Beckham has got to earn that quarter of a billion somehow. [Details from Boston Herald]

Here are pictures of Beckham at the press conference yesterday. Thanks to WENN.

I really don’t think we’ve heard enough about the Beckhams. In an effort to get just a little closer with each and every American, the Beckhams have come out with their own “his and her” fragrances, called “Intimately Beckham.” I’m pretty sure most women would have some ideas about getting intimate with David Beckham… I’m not sure how the gentlemen feel about Victoria though. There’s a lot of bones and silicone to wade through. Lest you fear that this is just another celebrity ploy to put a famous name on an otherwise random piece of merchandise, rest assured that Victoria Beckham is intimately involved in the whole process.

“Why is this different from any other celebrity fragrance? The fact that (I) have spent a lot of time checking all the details,” Victoria Beckham told Women’s Wear Daily. “We are not just saying, `We are celebrities, put our name on it.’ I love to be involved with the whole process.”

[From the Associated Press]

The perfumes sell for $25 - $55 depending on the size of Beckham you’d like to buy. Since Victoria is so tiny, I’m guessing her perfume should actually run about $12. You can go ahead and run on out to purchase a little bit of Beckham at your local department store right now, or wait until the first of next year, when they’ll be available at drugstores. Because nothing says classy like a bottle of eau de toilette you found next to the foot cream at Rite Aid.

What exactly do you think “Intimately Beckham” smells like? Posh’s fragrance must have notes of bulimia, leather shoes and spray-on tanner (do those things have a smell? Let’s assume so). David’s must smell like testosterone… okay that ones probably fine. I’m really beyond annoyed with this couple trying so hard to brand themselves. It’s getting really tasteless. Next they’ll come out with their own line of hams. Beck Hams. Get it? Okay I promise never to do that again.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Remember all the fuss over the ad for the Beckham’s fragrance with Victoria so obviously sporting an enhanced butt? Header image via KissandMakeup.