Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert joked about the major story of the day and at first said it was John Gibson leaving Fox New’s “The Big Story” and then Tucker Carlson’s MSNBC cancellation, but then finally talked about Spitzer. He covered how the media followed the governor’s SUV through traffic for 20 minutes hoping he would stop and pick up a prostitute. They showed a close up of the car and it had a bumper sticker that said “My other ride is a hooker.”

Colbert pointed out to much applause that Spitzer appeared on his show on the night after he arranged for the hooker to come meet him, which was one day before he committed the deed that led to his resignation. He said he was “The meat in the Spitzer sandwich” and that “a lot of people consider an interview on my show a form of foreplay.”

Jimmy Kimmel monologue

Kimmel’s monologue wasn’t that great. He said that if you do the math of $80,000 spent on hookers over the last ten years, that’s only $22 a day. He also said that Spitzer didn’t seem contrite in his speech, then they showed a fake clip of the end of Spitzer’s speech that had a hooker getting up from underneath the podium afterwards.

Kimmel showed the picture of Spitzer’s hooker in a bikini and said that he should have held it up and said “Look at her. What are you going to do?” Then he brought on his security team as the “worst political team on tv” to talk about the scandal.

David Letterman’s monologue

Letterman said Spitzer left his resignation on the nightstand with a $300 tip. He also said it’s a somber mood in NY and the hookers in Times Square were wearing black armbands. Letterman quipped that Spitzer will now have to pay women to call him Governor. He said Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for a possible Vice President and “boy she can pick ‘em can’t she?”

The Daily Show

Stewart’s was easily the funniest commentary on the scandal.

“The answer: ‘A day and a half.’ The question: ‘What is the amount of extra time you get to stay in power after the revelation of a sex scandal if you are a non-gay governor.’”

“And so, Elliot Spitzer headed to his midtown office to make the announcement while receiving what the networks now refer to as ‘The Full OJ’” [cameras following his SUV]

“As you can see, the trip gave commentators ample time for analysis.” [Cut to boring comments by news reporters about traffic.]

“If you’re in the car with your wife, on the way to resign from the state’s highest office after facing prostitution charges. I’d run that light…”

As for the fact that the Governor’s wife accompanied him to the second press conference, Stewart said “Calgon take her away! There’s got to be a chaise lounge in Bermuda with that lady’s name on it…”

Stewart pointed out the irony in Spitzer’s remarks that “From those to whom much is given much is expected.”

He answered: “Which is why I gave over $80,000 to hookers. I expected a lot from them. And then of course the big news.”

Stewart jokes that the day Spitzer has chosen for the “orderly transition is St. Patrick’s Day” and shows a picture of a shirtless guy drinking a beer wearing giant green sunglasses and a green top hat. “I’m beginning to wonder about this guy’s judgment.”

Paula Abdul was on Letterman last night and she didn’t look or act too sober at first, but then perked up at the end of the interview. She was funny in that drunk party guest kind of way. Letterman asked her if she enjoyed her Superbowl performance, and she said she enjoyed it but rolled her eyes. When he asked her if she was having on good time on American Idol every night she said no, and then he asked her if she was drunk:

How was that, [your Superbowl performance] that’s like a big thing. That must have been scary, all those folks and stuff, eh?
It’s a huge thing, and coming back on again - no one knew I was coming on again with Randy Jackson. I came out with Randy Jackson [audience laughs] Who knew that…?
Did you enjoy the Superbowl Experience?
It was an amazing experience. Whatever.
What do you mean whatever?
Yeah, it’s great. Fantastic.
You still get excited about doing that American Idol show every night?
No [shakes head]
I know you’re just teasing, aren’t you?
No [both laugh]
Are you drunk? Are you?
[points at Letterman] That’s - not - true. No. I actually am thrilled about doing American Idol.

[Transcribed from video of Paula Abdul’s appearance on David Letterman on 3/10/08, clip below]

Then Paula explained that the weird stuff she says on American Idol is actually due to Simon whispering odd suggestions in her ear. She brought up the moth and melon ball comment, and I remember that one, and then she made an hysterical dig at Randy Jackson, calling him “Dude dog dude”

The guy - the mean guy, Simon, now he sometimes, I noticed this… he sometimes has done something to cause a dynamic that makes you distracted. Am I right about that?
What a revelation! You’re very keen. Yeah, it’s finally coming out… Just last week, Brooke sang “Love is a Battlefield,” and he was whispering in my ear during the commercial break ‘You know Paula, Love is a Battlefield was a yogurt commercial”
And I said “Really? That’s great Simon.” Then… we’re on. “Say say, ‘It was a yogurt commercial…’”
Then, we’re live and Ryan says “What is this a therapy session? What is he saying?”
I said, you really want to know? He was laughing hysterically… I said oh relevant things, what he used to say to me “The moth in a melon ball [unintelligible] in a wonton win”
Now everyone knows he whispers in my ear crazy stuff. And he was busted so he’s all [laughing like Simon evilly]
What you could do is report him. There must be someone at the show you could talk to…
Whom? Dude dog dude to the right of me? I don’t think so.

[Transcribed from video of Paula Abdul’s appearance on David Letterman on 3/10/08, clip below]

Paula Abdul on Letterman, Part 1

After the break she told a story about a woman who took a picture of her over the top of a bathroom stall. She got kind of confused after telling that story, and made an awkward transition into a story about how she lost a urine specimen at the gynecologist’s office and a little old lady who worked there had to admit she stole it for her son. At that point Paul Schaeffer jumps in and is like “No! No! Her Son? What was he going to do with it?” Letterman asked her if everything went ok at her checkup and she said it did.

I’ve often wondered why this woman has a career on television and I think the reason is that’s she’s funny. She may slur her words a bit and her mind is somewhat addled from whatever medication she’s on, but if you pay enough attention she makes sense.

Paula Abdul on Letterman, Part 2

David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert will return to their respective talk shows this week. Letterman’s company has struck an agreement with the Writers Guild of America that allows him to use writers for “The Late Show.” Craig Ferguson’s “Late Late Show” is controlled by Letterman’s production company, Worldwide Pants, and also has the advantage of falling under the interim agreement and being able to use writers. Leno and the rest of the late night hosts will have to make due with whatever they can muster that doesn’t violate the WGA contract. That is expected to entail longer celebrity interviews and more off the cuff audience interaction. “On the street” segments are also anticipated.

The first celebrity guest booked on Letterman’s show is Robin Williams. Both Letterman and Ferguson have an added edge over their talkshow host competitors in that guests don’t have to cross picket lines to appear. Williams is one guest who certainly wouldn’t need a scripted Q&A to appear, however. He is particularly gifted in off the cuff absurdity which can sometimes be hard to follow.

Steven Colbert and Jon Stewart are expected to be scrambling to come up with material that’s not prepared. They rely on scripted segments for their shows and will be hard pressed to ad lib. Under the WGA contract they can’t even use ideas that are prepared ahead of time by writers. These two strike me as cleverer than most, so we’ll have to see how they deal with the situation. It will also be interesting to see if Letterman and O’Brien have shaved their “strike beards,” or if they’ll grace us with their unshaven faces at least for one night.

As for how the writer’s strike continues to affect television, I read an interesting article that compared the 1988 strike to the current strike and said that there’s evidence that television lost 10% of its viewership almost permanently after the five month strike from March to August. This current strike could result in a nearly 30% drop in television viewers and could go a long way toward strengthening the audience for online content and web-based shows. And we may have to make due with more open-ended interviews with lesser-known celebrities on the talk shows. Maybe that’s an added benefit to refusing to cross picket lines - celebrities don’t have to worry about sounding stupid if they can’t rehearse their answers ahead of time.

Here’s a link to a wikipedia article that has an updated list of how many episodes are available for specific shows.

Thanks to the NY Times and The Wall St. Journal for the details for this story.

Letterman is shown on 10/20/05 with a horse, but I swear to you this picture is captioned “Madonna Visits The Late Show with David Letterman” by the photo agency, PRPhotos.

Last week we briefly mentioned that there was a possibility that the late night talk show hosts would return to work in the next few months. It’s looking like that will definitely happen, and all five of the hosts are trying to coordinate their return so they all come back on the same night. Their hope is to avoid some of the ire of the WGA and skirt the criticism that Ellen DeGeneres and Carson Daly received when they returned to work. Ellen hardly stopped work at all – a week at the most – and Carson returned a few weeks ago. Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson are all talking with each other behind closed doors, trying to agree on a date when they’ll all go back to work.

If the late-night shows go back into production before the strike is settled, at least some members of the Writers Guild will understand - the late-night comedy writers themselves. “We will never be able to repay [Letterman] for what he did for us,” says “Late Show” writer Bill Sheft, who also serves as the show’s union rep for the Writers Guild. “Dave Letterman on the air without writers and pissed off about it would be as powerful as anything we [union members] can do. He will rail nightly at the greedy pinheads that put him in this position.

“He made the right decision, and when and if he decides to come back, it will be the right decision,” Sheft said. Letterman was the first late-night host who said he would continue to pay his staff out of his own pocket while the strike was on. The other late-show hosts soon followed when the networks began informing the idled late-night staffs that they would be laid off. “We understand the ‘Late Show,’ ” Sheft says. “The fact that other shows fell in line after him is enormous . . . We can march in a circle all day and blog all we want, but, to me, he’s been an off-air supporter. Maybe his greatest potential is as an on-air provocateur.”

“Believe me, all these guys are going crazy,” says one late-night talk show executive. “They’ve had to sit on the sidelines for the last six weeks and watch the world go by without having their soapboxes. It’s hard for them, and it’s getting harder “The fact is they’re talking, but no one wants to be first or the only one, for that matter,” says a knowledgeable network executive. “But I think their power will come in their solidarity. It’s a hot potato.”

[From the New York Post]

It actually does make a lot of sense that the late night hosts could be very vocal advocates for their writers if they choose to come back on the air. It seems like they’ve done the best job they could, and will have stayed off the air for several months in a show of support. A lot of crew and staff members lost their jobs, and most of the late night hosts covered their salaries themselves. If they’re on the air and able to plug their writers every night, that could actually be a good thing. And considering how supportive all the hosts have been so far, I think that’s a reasonable expectation.

In more lighthearted news, both Conan O’Brien and David Letterman have been showing off their “Strike Beards.” Conan even made a YouTube video plugging the strike beard. That’s really not fair, as a woman I can’t show my solidarity by growing a strike beard. I’m trying to figure out what I could do instead… strike hairy legs? Yeah, I’m going with that. “No I’m not lazy, I’m supporting writers!” I will be so extra-dateable now.

In the wake of NBC’s decision to fire all non-writing employees on its late night schedule, David Letterman has decided to personally look out for his staff members. He will be paying for their salaries through his company, Worldwide Pants. A few other people (like Jon Stewart) have said that they will cover the salaries for their writers, but Letterman is the first to say that he’ll make sure his non-writing staff is taken care of.

Strike or not, employees of the “Late Show With David Letterman” and the “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” will be paid through year’s end. Both are produced by Letterman’s Worldwide Pants banner, which notified employees in New York and Los Angeles that they will be paid regardless of whether the shows return. It would make Worldwide Pants the first known company to guarantee its staff a paycheck during the writers strike.

It doesn’t mean, however, that there will be no work on “Late Show.” Decisions are being made week-to-week on whether the show will return to the air in some form.

[From Reuters]

NBC can make more decisions for “The Tonight Show” than CBS can for the “Late Show” because NBC owns their show. David Letterman owns the “Tonight Show” – CBS pays a licensing fee to Worldwide Pants to air the show. They of course have stopped paying, since the show isn’t in production.

Deadline Hollywood reports: “Dave’s not doing this to get good press, which is why it hasn’t been reported for almost two days,” a source tells me. “This is really significant because, as opposed to all of the other shows, this money comes out of Dave’s own pocket.”

It’s great that big-name stars with equally big paychecks are looking out for their employees. It must be a good way to encourage morale, and make sure that when everyone comes back to work, there won’t be as many hard feelings.

Jennifer Lopez smirked her way through David Letterman’s baby blabber, and ignored Diane Sawyer’s hints at how ‘happy she was’, but no direct baby questions were asked. Are we getting the impression that maybe some kind of pre-interview confidentiality agreement is out there? After all, David wasn’t exactly polite to Paris Hilton last week about going to prison. Maybe J.Lo is scarier than Paris?

However, one person has signed nothing but divorce papers from Marc Anthony, and she has a word to say about J.Lo’s pregnancy.

Jennifer Lopez is pregnant, says her husband Marc Anthony’s ex-wife.

Dayanara Torres - who has two children with Marc - confirmed Jennifer and her singer husband are expecting their first child.

The former Miss Universe said yesterday (09.10.07): “I found out a day ago. I suppose they will be happy because when my sister had her baby they were happy.”

Jennifer, who is currently touring with Marc, has remained silent about the rumoured pregnancy - instead choosing to disguise her figure in loose-fitting outfits.

Monsters and Critics

I’m glad Jennifer’s stepkids will like the baby, but here’s a weird response J.Lo’s publicist gave to Dayanara Torres’ statement.

“What happened was that the day before I had shown Dayanara the pictures which have been spreading through the Internet of Jennifer, and I warned her that, as had been published, she might be pregnant. I did it in case the children asked her. The eldest is six years old, and he hears the comments at school and on the press. But the truth is we know nothing.”

E!Online

Er, what? If they publish enough pictures of your pregnant belly, it makes you pregnant?

I’m offering congratulations to Jennifer and Marc right now. I am hugely pregnant right now and sick of people pointing out how big and fat I am (and yes, people actually use the term ‘fat’), so I can imagine that if she’s not pregnant she’s hating all the speculation. If she isn’t pregnant, then I guess the belly explains the lackluster dance moves on her tour – too out of shape to groove.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Jennifer Lopez is shown outside the Late Show and performing on GMA on 10/9/07. She is also shown outside of MTV studios on 10/8/07. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Okay, I’ll admit it: my sense of humor is not so advanced that I find David Letterman funny. That’s always followed up by someone asking which late night host I do find funny. Ummm… well none of them. But David Letterman has never given me more than a mild chuckle. Yes, I get that the problem is me, not him. It’s a massive, unforgivable character flaw. But Dave has redeemed himself with me (which I know he’s been worried about for a while). He embarrassed the crap outta Paris Hilton. Thus, I now love and respect David Lettermen with a previously undiscovered ferocity. He lobbed a number of questions at Hilton as she grew increasingly uncomfortable and annoyed. “How’d you like being in jail?” started the conversation. Then there was, “How was the bologna?” and “Have your friends treated you differently now that you’re out of the slammer?” And my personal favorite: “What’d you do? Do you know what you did wrong?”

Hilton: “I’ve moved on with my life, so I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Letterman: “This is where you and I are different — All I want to do is talk about it. Did you make any friends while you were in jail?”

Hilton: “I’m not answering any more questions about it. I’m here to talk about my clothing line, my movie and my perfume. I’m moving on.”

[From readexpress.com]

To really understand the greatness of Letterman’s interview, you must watch it. Seeing Paris Hilton squirm is just about my favorite thing in the world. I might have a teeny, tiny bit of sympathy if she’d change one iota like she promised she would – but come on, it’s Paris Hilton. Did any of us really believe for a second that she’s capable of becoming a decent human being? Enjoy the video and lovely Hilton squirmishness.

Proving once again that the Superbowl heals all wounds, cures all ills and brings us as a divided nation together again. The Letterman and The Oprah snuggled up on a sofa to let the love flow during that game of games.

Planet Gossip has the skinny:

If you haven’t heard or seen it by now, the two popped up during a break early in the game. Letterman, an Indianapolis native, wore a Colts jersey while snuggling on a couch with Winfrey, who was in a Chicago Bears jersey. “You want the Bears, and I want the Colts, but we both win because we’re in love,” Letterman, with a mouthful of food, says. Winfrey then says, “Honey, don’t talk with your mouth full.”

The long-standing feud dates back to a Pleiestocene Epoch Time magazine interview. Oprah said she wasn’t ever going back on Letterman’s show as previous interviews left her feeling like “the butt of the joke.” To his credit Dave refrained from a slew of big butt jokes, but spent years, literally years, asking Oprah to c’mon on home to Late Night and let the healing begin …The O.P. was not having it and a regal silence ensued. The Queen was not amused. The O.P silence lasted longer than O.C the series. Just ask Mischa Barton who was I think was born and grew to skinny womanhood during this era of silent D’Oprah.

There have been cracks in the glacial freeze before including even brief appearances on Letterman’s show complete with awkward unconvincing public hugs. None have ever been so heartwarming as the two finally spending quality couch time with the nation.

Yes like children of Divorce we have learned to take our closure where we can find it … Mom and Dad aren’t ever getting back together, but if they can make nice at graduation … well that aint nothing. The healing has begun …and that’s just as D’Oprah as it gets.

This is too funny. Damon was on Letterman to promote his new film “The Good Shepherd” with Angelina Jolie. It opens on December 22nd in the states.

Video via Faded Youth.

Richard Simmons is such a diva on Letterman but he must have been in on the joke when his steamer went haywire. They added a plate underneath the thing that rigged the machine to blow. Dave keeps talking over him, says his steamer is too expensive, and then Simmons points out that Dave’s tie cost $125. It’s pretty amusing.