Linnocent has ALREADY posed for Playboy. That was fast! I guess once LL got close to her asking price – reportedly something more than $750K and less than a million – she was eager to nail this thing down and get that check. And as I suggested/theorized yesterday, Mother Crackie was behind all of it. Dina Lohan was the one to confirm the shoot had already taken place, telling X17, “The photo shoot went well.” Apparently the photo shoot took place at an LA mansion, and the Cracken brought her young sister Ali with her. Of course. Because a Playboy shoot is the perfect environment for your kid sister.

To make matters even worse/funnier, media outlets are now digging up old quotes from LL where she talks haughtily about never doing nude scenes. The Cracken said in 2005 (twenty cracked-out lifetimes ago): “I’m not going to do a nude scene. Then there’s no mystery for my private life. I think there’s other things you can do to show people you have talent.” Hahahahahaa… sad.

By the way, Linnocent is super-pissed that the LA Sheriff is all “Seriously, Judge Sautner, if you want to send that cracked-out freckle to jail, we’ve got room for her.” Thus, LL’s delusional red went to Radar TO COMPLAIN.

Lindsay Lohan is telling her close friends that she is very angry that Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca made public comments about her in which the top cop said there was room at his jails for the Mean Girls star, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

Lohan is due back in court for a probation violation hearing on November 2 in connection with her shoplifting case. The troubled starlet, 25, was booted from the Downtown Women’s Center, where Judge Sautner had ordered her to perform community service for failure to appear on multiple days. Judge Stephanie Sautner admitted at Lindsay’s progress report hearing last week that sending her back to jail wasn’t effective because of jail overcrowding. However, in a bold move, Sheriff Lee Baca said in a television interview that he had room in jail for her, appearing to send Judge Sautner a message that if she sentences Lindsay to jail, she would serve time behind bars.

“Lindsay was stunned when she made when she heard Sheriff Lee Baca discussing her on television. She just wants to be treated like everyone else. Lindsay was outraged when Baca said he had room in the jail for her, and that she would benefit from substance abuse counseling if placed behind bars. Baca doesn’t know her, and he certainly isn’t a lawyer. Lindsay was just at a loss for words that the sheriff would single her out,” an insider close to the situation tells us.

“We found Sheriff Baca’s statements to be highly inappropriate and not consistent with how the legal system is supposed to operate,” Lindsay Lohan’s rep Steve Honig tells RadarOnline.com exclusively.

As RadarOnline.com previously reported Sheriff Baca will closely follow Judge Sautner’s jail sentence if she determines Lohan is in violation of her probation. “If Judge Sautner determines that Ms. Lohan is in violation of terms of her probation, and sentences her to jail, she would be remanded into custody at the Lynwood Correctional Facility for women,” Nicole Nishida, spokesperson for the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department tells RadarOnline.com.

“Ms. Lohan did serve a sentence under house arrest recently because of jail overcrowding. If Judge Saunter were to state that she wants Ms. Lohan to serve time behind bars, and not at home, it’s something that would be taken into consideration by officials. There is rampant overcrowding in Los Angeles County jails, and inmates are currently serving about 25% of their imposed sentences.”

Lohan came under fire for her behavior while under house arrest. As RadarOnline.com previously reported Lohan was spotted partying during her 35 day “incarceration” as well as carrying out a roof top photo shoot and enjoying BBQs with family and friends.

Lindsay could be sentenced to 18 months behind bars if Judge Sautner determines she has violated terms of her probation.

[From Radar]

“Lindsay was just at a loss for words that the sheriff would single her out.” I’m assuming she’s also “just at a loss for words that the JUDGE would single her out” and she’s “just at a loss for words that the PROSECUTOR would single her out.” She’s always being singled out, whenever she does something wrong! Why doesn’t anyone understand that she’s a poor crack child who just needs to fly to Europe and be a hooker and go clubbing and do mountains of coke??!?!?

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Linnocent is finally back from her whirlwind call-girl tour of Europe. Well, really just Italy and France, but she definitely got around and she definitely made some money. Some may argue that she just has some new-found funds from her “modeling gig” for Phillip Plein. Some may argue that she’s charging thousands per night for the pleasure of her cracked-out company. I think it’s a little of column A, a little of column B. Linnocent’s hustle involves all manner of shilling, hawking, modeling and whoring.

So with Linnocent back to earning that money, she’s decided to blow a big chunk of it on a nice new purchase: a new Porsche. Ugh.

Linnocent is back from her European vacation and the first thing she did when she hit the U.S. was buy a new car – and RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned that it is a sports car that cost almost $100,000!

The 25-year-old starlet hit up the Porsche dealership in downtown Los Angeles on Thursday where she purchased a brand new Porsche Panamera, which has a sticker price of a whopping $80,000, a source close to Lindsay told RadarOnline.com.

Back in July when Lindsay appeared in front of Judge Stephanie Sautner, she told her that the reason she hadn’t started her court mandated therapy sessions was because she was unable to get insurance to foot the bill and she was financially strapped.

And while she just did a photo shoot for Phillip Plein in Italy and is tentatively going to be in the Gotti movie Lindsay doesn’t have any other current projects on the table to generate income right now.

So why did she purchase such an expensive car?

Apparently Lindsay’s neighbor and ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson recently picked up a similar luxury vehicle from the same dealership and Lindsay was in love with that car so she decided to get one of her own.

Lindsay’s rep declined to comment to RadarOnline.com.

[From Radar]

So basically Linnocent decided to blow all of that money just to Single-White-Female/stalk/harass/copy Samantha Ronson. Pathetic.

By the way, have you heard all the stuff that Liv Tyler’s mom, Bebe Buell, has been saying about Linnocent? Bebe, the inspiration for Kate Hudson’s groupie character in Almost Famous, gave an interview to New York Magazine a few weeks ago where she mentioned what a crappy mother Dina Lohan was and is, and then Bebe just did a new interview with Steppin’ Out Magazine, in which Bebe goes overboard talking about Linnocent. Here are some highlights from both pieces:

Bebe on prioritizing her kids: “I always look to Jackie Kennedy. She said something in that little voice of hers [imitates], “If you mess up with your children, what’s the point?” I would have suffered if I had not done my best to be the best mother I could be. But I’m not a Momager. I’m not into the Dina Lohan — that stuff makes me seriously, Roman-style puke. I’m not into that. What I did for Liv was a little different. I had a lot of knowledge of the industry, so I was able to steer her correctly through her future and show her how to be professional.”

On momagers: “I don’t think you should be your daughter’s best friend. You’ve got to be a mother. The other night I was at that Lovecat/V Magazine party during Fashion Week and [Lindsay Lohan] threw a drink on somebody and she was there with her mother. I just know that if my daughter threw a drink on somebody, she’d be over my knee getting an old-fashioned whooping. No matter what age. You don’t do things like that. First of all, my daughter would never do something like that. It’s not in her nature. You have to have something in your nature to do something like that. I find it tragic, because Lindsay to me is extremely talented. I just wish that she had the influence of somebody like me or somebody around her — not that I have time to wear a manager hat anymore, but I’m just saying that I just don’t like these moms that run these careers. How do they even understand the industry? When I was working for my daughter, you had to know when to step aside. The spotlight is not on you. It’s on them. These moms, they just don’t get it. It kind of upsets me. Because I think you’ve got to be a mother first and foremost, and I personally think when you’re in recovery and trying to get better, you shouldn’t be going to parties. You shouldn’t be going to parties and your mom shouldn’t be going with you. That’s my humble opinion.”

More on Dina: “Dina Lohan’s relationship with her daughter Lindsay disturbs me. I don’t see a mother and a daughter there. If my beautiful daughter was like that…. I look at Lindsay and I see my own child in her because there’s a great talent there. But if my baby girl got that screwed up I would NOT allow to make her own decisions. I’m sorry! Anybody can think what they want. But I would abduct my child and I would make sure that I didn’t leave her side until she didn’t have those problems anymore. What her mother has done with Lindsay is morally wrong and disgusting. She should back off. Lindsay is the one with the talent. She’s the star. But she also has to be responsible for her own actions. Her mother needs to start being a mother and not yes her to death. Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, it’s none of my business.”

Bebe could get Linnocent an Oscar: “If Lindsay spent a year with me I could turn her around. I could have her winning her first Oscar in two years! First I would want to go some place alone with her. I would take her some where in the fresh air. I would want her to tell me what’s happening inside of her and what’s hurting. I would ask her why she needs to feel altered. If she says because it’s fun and it feels good I would feel she has a good chance. Because we all acted up when we were her age. There just weren’t so many camera’s on us back then. But this kid can’t do anything and everybody judges her. She’s so talented. She’s like a young Ann Margret to me. I would just love to build her self esteem and let her see how beautiful she is.”

Bebe thinks LL needs to gain weight: “The first thing I would do is put 10 pounds on her. She needs a more Kittenish quality. She’s looking too thin right now. That’s not a good look. And she also needs to go back to being a natural red head. The blonde hair doesn’t work. It ages her. She just needs the right people around her. She’s got it all man. She’s just around people who don’t get it.”

More on what Bebe would do for Linnocent: “She needs to stop going out and not being seen for a while. The mother going with her to events and witnessing her throwing drinks and stuff like that infuriates me! It makes me angry! It’s about a lack of education and connection on the mother’s part. I don’t mean school when I say education. I’m talking about the education of the soul. Some people just aren’t elevated. They’re not there yet. She’s driven by money, not spirituality. I gave up the desire for money to be there for my daughter. I feel that’s what Dina should be doing. Be there for Lindsay, like I’m there for Liv.”

[From Vulture and Steppin’ Out (via Gawker)]

Of course, Bebe also thinks Kris Jenner is a world-class, completely awesome momager, which kind of detracts from the argument she’s making about Dina. Still, Bebe is a million times better than Dina, and her advice for Linnocent… well, it would have been good advice three years ago. At this point, I don’t think there’s any turning back.

Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.

You know the secret to getting a relatively good candid photo of Linnocent? Put her next to her mother. Usually, when I see photos of Dina (“Mother Crackhead”) and Linnocent separately, I think they look about the same frozen age – mid-40s, with a cracked-out veneer. It’s only when I see them together that I can actually acknowledge that Linnocent does in fact look younger than her mother. I’m not saying Linnocent looks good here – God no. I’m just saying that Mother Crackhead looks terrible and Linnocent looks terrible, but I can differentiate between mother and daughter.

Anyway, these are new photos from Linnocent and Mother Crackhead’s big night out in NYC. They were at Le Bain at the Standard Hotel, “where they hosted a party on behalf of Lovecat magazine.” You might remember Linnocent’s Lovecat Mag shoot from a few weeks ago, when Linnocent got crackie with a surfboard in between cig breaks.

Would you like to hear a story about Linnocent during NYFW from two nights ago? Remember, Linnocent already caused a near riot with her crackie Donatella Versace appearance at the Cynthia Rowley show. Well, she went to a party for Karen Elson’s new shoe line, and this happened:

Lindsay Lohan has already caused one ruckus this Fashion Week when she brought a pirate to the Cynthia Rowley show, and last night she struck again. A commotion erupted on the spiral stairs at Beauty & Essex (where Paper magazine and Nine West were celebrating Karen Elson’s new shoe and accessories line for the brand) shortly after the model–musician’s set ended.

Lohan was furiously telling a photographer on the stairs above her to “Delete those pictures! Delete them right now!” as he clutched his camera to him, while your intrepid party reporter watched from above. Eventually, we summoned the nerve to squeeze by Lohan, only to brush her on the way down, causing her to hiss, “don’t be a c*nt,” before she returned to haranguing the photographer.

A few minutes later, two scrums had formed — one of Lohan’s friends around the photographer, watching him as he appeared to delete each of the offending photos; the other of Nine West and event staffers, furiously whispering that “she needs to leave.”

[From New York Magazine]

It’s just so… OMG. I love how crazy she is. I mean, she’s an awful person, really, really terrible and just cracked-out of her skull, but it’s hilarious how entitled she is. “MOVE THAT PHOTOGRAPHER! And the orange cone! I’m Lindsay Lohan! Don’t be a c–t!” Ridiculous.

Shall we talk about how she looks in these photos, by the way? The crack face, the crack cleavage, the booties, the white-blonde hair…she’s just a parody of her crack self.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Since I just covered Kris Jenner and her evil genius ways, I thought it might be nice to check in with another stage mother, this time a cracked-out one, our own Beloved Mother Crackhead. You know how I’m using my mother as a “source” on things now? You should hear my mom go off on Kris Jenner and Dina Lohan. She thinks Kris is whore-trash (“But she has a good marriage,” my mom claims) and she thinks Dina should be in jail. My mom says that if I ever acted one-tenth as crackie as Linnocent, she would be asking the judge to put me in jail for my own good, and for the good of the world at large.

Anyway, these are new photos of Dina last night, in LA. I swear, Mother Crackhead is really starting to look just as jacked, drunk, high and crazy as Linnocent. Mother Crackhead used to just look Botoxed – but SOBER. Nowadays, I think she’s hitting the pipe and the bottle a little bit more. Mother Crackhead was spotted coming out of Mr. Chow’s, the LA institution where lots of big Hollywood types go, because she’s a big Hollywood mogul now. I already mentioned this in an earlier post, but it’s worth repeating: Mother Crackhead wrote a screenplay, and she wants $5 million to produce it with an all-star cast (who will work for peanuts). And yes, I’m pretty sure that “wrote a screenplay” is some kind of code for “blow”.

Dina Lohan apparently thinks she’s Dina De Laurentiis … because she’s telling investors she can snag some of the biggest actors in Hollywood for her new movie.

TMZ has obtained a copy of the business plan Dina’s sending to prospective financiers — asking for a grand total of $5.28 million to shoot an R-rated film called “Growing Defiant” — which takes “a hard look at the social pressures that can lead a kid in the wrong direction.” Hmmm.

According to the business plan, the actors she’ll go after include Dakota Fanning, Selena Gomez, Michael Cera, James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Tina Fey, Amanda Seyfried, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Stone, and Mila Kunis … oh, and Michael Lohan, Jr. in the starring role of a heroin addict.

Now here’s the best part. There’s an asterisk at the bottom of the plan, which reads, “The cast listed above is a suggested cast list only. Michael Lohan is the only cast member who has been signed.”

And Dina apparently thinks big actors will do anything to sign on, because she’s allotting a grand total of $1,125,000 for actors’ fees.

Dina Lohan — a regular Bruckheimer, only easier to pronounce.

[From TMZ]

You know what’s hilarious? There’s no part for Linnocent. Let me make this crystal clear:

LINNOCENT’S MOTHER WON’T EVEN HIRE HER IN THEORY.

That’s how bad it is.

Also bad? Mother and daughter crackheads drinking together. At the Kardashian wedding, sources say Linnocent and Dina polished off three bottles together. While many of you say that three bottles between two people at a wedding (or just a Tuesday) isn’t any big deal, let me ask you: are you drinking three bottles of wine with your daughter who has been in and out of rehab five times?

Photos courtesy of Fame and Pacific Coast News.

This story has everything: Mother Crackhead, medieval wenches, a shadowy billionaire, and a sex dungeon with a swing, shackles and stuffed bunnies. CB wants me to emphasize that Mother Crackhead (Dina Lohan) wasn’t technically a part of the sex dungeon scene, she was only the “head wench/hostess of honor” at some billionaire’s party where there just happened to be an unoccupied sex dungeon. My thoughts? Mother Crackhead probably offered her daughters (at a discount) to the billionaire for his dungeon.

Dina Lohan played Queen of the Hamptons Saturday night at the 15,000-square-foot Watermill castle of billionaire playboy Ivan Wilzig. In a medieval-style flowing dress, and a flowered veil, Lindsay Lohan’s mom even had a cadre of identically dressed young ladies-in-waiting who sat at her feet as she held court and flirted with Wilzig, a k a “Sir Ivan,” at his annual regally themed bash.

When a young party girl who’d taken the dress code for the fete less seriously passed, Queen Dina barked, “That’s not very medieval!”

Later, a Page Six reporter uncovered a hidden gem in the castle: a black room with a large swing chained to the ceiling, a cage with handcuffs, shackles and a slew of giant, stuffed bunnies. It seems the chamber is reserved for anointed subjects.

“Only the talent can come in here,” a staffer told us. When we asked where the talent was, he replied they were “coming later.” Egads!

Guests at the party included “The Book of Mormon” creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

[From Page Six]

If you’d like to see a decent pic of Dina’s medieval garb, go here to Jezebel. Surprisingly, she doesn’t look inappropriate at all, and the costume manages to be both demure and cute. You’d think that a billionaire could afford to get a bigger celebrity to play hostess. You could rent Dina for a whole night with $20 and some cigs. Surely he could have gotten a Real Housewife or something!

By the way, rumors abound that Dina is going to be named one of the “celebrities” on this next season of Dancing With the Stars, which starts in the fall. Can you imagine how crazy that will be? Linnocent will show up all of the time, cracked out of her skull, squawking about how she was a ballerina. Epic.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News & Fame.

Yesterday we saw photos of Lindsay Lohan looking like she’s back on her drug(s) of choice. She looked haggard, like she’d lost at least 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks, and her pupils were pinpricks. It would be sad if it wasn’t so predictable and she wasn’t such an entitled piece of work who continues to commit crimes and think she can get away with it.

The latest in Lindsay Lohan news is that she’s squeaking by, of course, on a potential assault charge stemming from that time in December that she skipped out of court-ordered rehab, got drunk and then got abusive with a rehab employee when she tried to call authorities about it. The Betty Ford employee involved then blabbed to the gossip press, got fired, then was rumored to be in negotiations to get paid off by the Lohans not to press charges. Then the Lohans stiffed the woman of course, and she got another attorney.

Radar Online has the news that no charges will be fired. They also have insider information straight from Mommy crackhead about how Lindsay reacted. She was thrilled to learn that she would not face any consequences, yet again, for behaving very badly.

Dina Lohan broke the news to her daughter Lindsay that she would not be charged with any wrongdoing in connection with an altercation at the Betty Ford Center, the troubled actress told her mom: “Great, Awesome. Thanks Mommy. Goodnight!”, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

Dina, upon herself learning that charges will not be filed against Lindsay, told RadarOnline.com Tuesday night: “I have known all along my daughter was innocent.”

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, officials with the Riverside County District Attorney told us they were not filing charges “due to insufficient evidence” to prosecute Lindsay, 24, in the alleged December 12, 2010 altercation with staffer Dawn Holland at the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California.

Holland accused the Mean Girls star of throwing a phone at her, after she allegedly caught the actress drinking and violating curfew, spurring an investigation from the Palm Desert Police Department as to whether Lohan had violated her probation in the incident.

“I only found out that the D.A. wouldn’t be filing charges today after reading RadarOnline.com,” Dina, 48, told us. “Our lawyer hadn’t even had the chance to contact us yet with the news.”

Dina said her famous daughter was elated upon learning she’d have one less legal hurdle to overcome.

“Lindsay didn’t know until Tuesday night and when I texted her the good news, she was at a charity event and she texted me back, ‘Great, Awesome! Thanks Mommy. Goodnight!’”

“We are all just so relieved, we were all waiting for the truth to come out that Lindsay was innocent,” the Long Island native told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

“Lindsay has been working on her sobriety: she has been following the Betty Ford program and they have been supportive throughout this entire experience,” Dina said. “They stood behind her and had faith in her the whole time.”

“I have known all along my daughter was innocent,” Dina said. “I am just so happy this is over with.”

[From Radar Online]

When Dina talks, this is what she’s really saying. “Lindsay is innocent, she is sober, we are famous celebrities. Give us free cake and jewelry and don’t you dare tell us we can’t have it or we’ll hit you and call the cops on you. We’re the Lohans, only we’re not using that name anymore since our dad is even more of an embarrassment than we are. You know us, we deserve whatever we want, and we deserve it now. Lindsay is a famous hardworking movie star who everyone is jealous of and out to get, including the shopowners, police department, gossip press, random commenters on the Internet, judges and prosecutors. You’ll see, she’s innocent and she’s sober and she’s going to go back to work and get an Oscar. We’ll be vindicated and then all the stores in the world will be open to us, waiting for us to come and take what’s ours.”

Lindsay is shown yesterday. Dina is shown on 3/13/11 out with Lindsay in New York. Look at the difference in Lindsay in just a couple of weeks.

3/13/11

3/28/11

Will the crack hilarity never end? At the end of April, we’re now facing the first motions of The Crack Trial of The Century when our beloved Lindsay Lohan faces trial for her crack thievery and her multiple probation violations. Linnocent is still in NYC, as far as I know, with her mother and some of her siblings. There have been reports all over New York that she’s still partying her crack off and back to drinking, if not drugging. Linnocent is celebrating her innocence, it would seem. Mother Crackhead agrees – she’s given a new interview to Radar where she discusses her darling crackhead daughter’s decision to not cop a plea:

Lindsay Lohan never had any intention of agreeing to a plea deal and accepting guilt for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Venice Beach jewelers, her mom Dina told RadarOnline.com in an exclusive new interview.

Lindsay’s powerhouse attorney Shawn Holley formally notified the District Attorney and Judge Keith Schwartz on Wednesday that her client would not accept the plea deal, and although her team waited until the final hours to reject the offer, Dina said her daughter never even entertained the idea of copping a plea.

“She was never going to plead guilty to a crime she didn’t commit,” Dina told RadarOnline.com. “All along Lindsay has never wavered regarding her innocence.”

In a statement to RadarOnline.com, Holley said that many people felt Lindsay should take the plea, and advised her to do so, but that she was confident the Mean Girls star would be triumphant after having her day in court.

“Though many advised her to follow the safe route by taking ‘the deal,’ the truth is, Ms. Lohan is innocent; she has a strong defense; and we are confident that a jury will listen to the evidence fairly and acquit her,” Holley said.

Dina is also confidant with Lindsay’s decision and says that she is sure the surveillance tape from the jewelry store will vindicate her daughter.

“I saw the entire security tape, and it showed the necklace clearly being loaned to Lindsay,” Dina claims.

The 24-year-old actress will now appear in front of Judge Stephanie Sautner on Friday, April 22 for her preliminary hearing.

Sources close to the case tell RadarOnline.com that it’s likely only investigating officers will be called to court by Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers at that hearing.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, Judge Sautner will also determine if Lindsay violated the terms of her probation by being charged with a felony and deciding to head to trial, which alone could send Lohan back to jail for at least six months.

[From Radar]

Wait, what? “I saw the entire security tape, and it showed the necklace clearly being loaned to Lindsay.” I haven’t seen the full tape, but didn’t it just show Linnocent putting the necklace on, her friend causing a distraction, Linnocent covering the stolen necklace with another piece and then walking out of the store? And while Linnocent may have been pleading innocence this whole time, her story has changed about a dozen times. Let’s hear the version where she didn’t realize she had stolen it and it’s the store’s fault for not catching her.

In other LINNOCENT FOREVER news, TMZ reports that another criminal case against Linnocent could be pending. Remember how Linnocent violently attacked a Betty Ford staffer who tried to get Linnocent to take a Breathalyzer when she turned up late for check-in? Yeah, the cops are “reigniting their investigation” according to TMZ:

Just when Lindsay Lohan thought her legal problems couldn’t get any worse … TMZ has learned cops are reigniting their investigation into allegations she attacked a Betty Ford staffer.

Sources connected to the investigation tell us … in the last two days, the Riverside County District Attorney’s Office sent investigators to meet with key witnesses who were with Lindsay on December 12, 2010 — the night she allegedly got into a tussle with Dawn Holland.

We’re told cops told the witnesses they were conducting the investigation because the D.A. is still determining whether to pursue criminal assault charges against Lohan.

Sources tell us … investigators wanted to know if the witness could testify if it was Lindsay or Dawn who was the “aggressor” during that fateful night. They also wanted to know if the witness could describe any sort of injury Dawn may have suffered during the incident.

We’re told investigators also wanted to know if the witnesses would cooperate with authorities if the case went to trial … but sources say the witnesses wouldn’t give a definitive answer.

[From TMZ]

As far as that case goes, it does feel like it’s too little, too late. Didn’t Mother Crackhead already pay off Dawn Holland? Hasn’t Holland already told prosecutors that she wasn’t going to press charges? Yeah, the cops and the prosecution really bungled that one. Linnocent should have gone down for assault. Speaking of, that’s the security footage I really wanted to see.

Photos courtesy of photographer Tyler Shields.

Heads up, New York bitches! Lindsay Lohan is in your vicinity. These are photos of Lindsay touching down at JFK last night. So…seriously, keep your guard up. You may run into her. And by “run into her” I mean “Lindsay will crash her car into you, get out of the car and begin punching you in the face while crack wailing.” According to Radar, Lindsay “got permission” from the court to travel, which she needed considering she’s still on probation, and she has all of these crack heist cases piling up. Mother Crackhead told Radar: “We are all excited that the family gets to all be together in New York.” I wonder what’s so important that Lindsay has to be in New York right now? Besides drugs and paparazzi and shopping. Lindsay has until March 25 to take the plea deal being offered by the prosecution, which it seems like… she’s not going to take any plea. So, technically, she doesn’t have to be back in LA until April. That’s a lot of time for shopping and drug-taking in New York.

Also: TMZ has this sad little Team Creakhead story about how Lindsay “quit smoking” because she’s “continuing on the path to a healthier life”. Yeah, we’ll see. We heard the same kind of pro-crackhead stories just before Linday heisted the necklace too.

Oh, and Crachead and Mother Crackhead look the same now. The same age, the same cheap blonde hair, the same leathery skin. Ugh.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Lindsay Lohan has a cracked-out hearing today. She’s appearing before a new judge today, Judge Keith Schwartz, and I honestly can’t remember if this hearing if for the theft or if it’s just for her old probation issues. I think it’s just for her probation, although TMZ reports that the cracked-out jewelry heist will play a part in the negotiations. That’s right, there are negotiations going on – apparently the DA, Lindsay’s nemesis, Danette Meyers is offering Lindsay a plea that would involve jail time plus three years felony probation. Lindsay and her lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley are all “The Crackhead must NEVER go to jail!!”

The judge who will determine Lindsay Lohan’s fate in the probation and grand theft cases will be the middleman in plea negotiations today between Lindsay and the prosecutor … and sources connected with the case tell TMZ … the judge thinks Lindsay should do time.

Lindsay will appear today before Judge Keith L. Schwartz, and sources connected with the case tell TMZ that during the hearing prosecutor Danette Meyers will present Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, with a formal offer to plea bargain the case.

Sources tell us Meyers has already told Holley any deal will include significant jail time … but Lindsay steadfastly refuses to accept a plea that involves time behind bars.

Sources connected with the case tell us Judge Schwartz will propose that Lindsay accept jail time for the probation violation and three years felony probation for the grand theft case. But here’s the BIG problem with that — if Lindsay gets in trouble during the probationary period, she’ll go to state prison.

We’re told Holley has not seen the surveillance video yet, but Meyers will present her with her very own CD tomorrow — before the hearing.

If Lindsay doesn’t accept a plea, the judge will set a date for a preliminary hearing.

[From TMZ]

I don’t know what to think. I’m beyond hoping that Lindsay will go to jail for any serious amount of time, although I do find myself having a smidgeon of hope that there will be some stunning sentence handed down that will make the crack tears flow like tequila shots on Cinco de Lohan (5pm any weekday).

Meanwhile, People Magazine is even calling Lindsay out on her crack-BS, noting how often Lindsay has been partying over the past week:

Explanations? Or excuses? Through Twitter, Lindsay Lohan has issued disclaimers when the paparazzi have caught her out in the wee hours at – or near – clubs. Just what she’s been doing post-rehab is important since the actress, 24, needs to put her best face forward in her ongoing court appearances for her grand theft case, stemming from the $2,500 necklace she’s accused of stealing.

Already on probation in a DUI case, the last thing Lohan needs is for the judge to see her as an unreformed party girl. A violation of her probation could send her back to jail.

Lohan’s nocturnal activities began on Grammy night when she attended a Nivea bash in Beverly Hills. “She didn’t stay long at all, but the party started late at night,” a source tells PEOPLE. Lohan was next spotted leaving Hollywood’s Roosevelt Hotel with Samantha Ronson after midnight Thursday.

She later Tweeted, “I was just at roosevelt to meet Samantha and say happy birthday to a friend. i take my sobriety seriously. please dont believe this accusations. i know the rules and i wouldnt risk probation.”

Then on Friday night, Lohan hit up an NBA All Star party at Station Hollywood where a source says, “She arrived on the late side with an entourage of six.”

The next night, Saturday, Lohan took in a show at Hollywood’s Hotel Café where her pal Ferras performed. After getting photographed again, she wasted no time Tweeting why she was out and about.

“Went to see my friend @ohferras perform and was talking to a future costar – just to be bombarded by paparazzi,” Lohan wrote. “So much for being normal – im now winded and headed home.”

The purpose of Lohan’s hearing Wednesday is to see if the theft case can be settled with a plea deal. The L.A. County Probation Department is expected to submit a report on Lohan’s probation status. If a plea cannot be reached, a new court date will be set.

Lohan’s mom Dina, sister Ali, and brother Michael Jr. have recently flown into Los Angeles, reportedly to be by her side for the court appearance.

“Lindsay wants her mom here because she is a bit bored,” a source tells PEOPLE. “She is also nervous about court this week because her lawyer can’t guarantee that she won’t have to do jail time.”

[From People]

Oh, Crackhead Junior is BORED. Let’s try to mix things up, shall we? Also: is anyone else slightly disturbed with the idea that Michael Junior and Ali had to fly into LA for the court appearance? There are several things wrong with that. First of all, I didn’t know Ali wasn’t living in LA. She lives in NY? She’s like, 15 or 16, right? And Dina is always in LA – so who is taking care of Ali? And you never hear about Michael Junior. You know that boy is screwed up. I mean, you just know it. Also: why are this collection of crackheads only have family reunions in courthouses? Ugh. Poor Ali.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This morning, Dina “Mother Crackhead” Lohan went on Good Morning America to play her now standard-issue Crackhead Denial Game. I swear, you could just cut and paste the quotes from this piece with all of the other interviews Dina has done about Crackhead Junior over the past few years. The video is below, and here there are some highlight quotes after the video:

Dina Lohan‘s advice for Charlie Sheen: “Just get help….Lindsay took his advice and she gave him advice as well…just get help, you know. He’s been in the business a lot longer than my daughter and he’s from Hollywood.”

Dina on Lindsay: “She‘s matured considerably.” and “[She faces] a lifelong struggle with addiction. I believe [that Lindsay doesn't drink anymore], and I think it’s gonna be a lifelong struggle with addiction. But I think she’s gonna be okay.”

Lindsay is struggling: “She’s a young girl struggling. You know, she’s not perfect. … She’s learning as she goes, but she’s learning under a microscope, so I can’t even imagine how that is.”

Dina Lohan said she could “absolutely not” imagine her daughter being a thief.

Dina on her own struggles: “I can’t always fight what they’re saying or thinking of me. And I’m — I’m certainly not that person. So when people say, ‘Oh, she’s living off her children or her kids, or we’re all in this business.’ I grew up in this business. That’s what I know.”

Dina describes herself as “a lifelong entertainer.”

Dina on how she always knew her daughter was a crackhead: “I knew early on, I just didn’t tell anyone about it. It was a personal situation…I saw it visually, what was happening. You know, I’m around my children. I was around Lindsay a lot, and I saw what was happening. I grabbed the bull by the horns and tried to get her help immediately.”

On Lindsay’s first rehab stay, in 2007: “You know, you have to be ready as an individual. It’s not just gonna’ happen. You have to hit your own bottom,” she said.

On the media: “I never thought it would be this — the media would be so crazy. I really never thought it would get to this level,” said Dina Lohan. “It’s been really hard on my family, harder than anything.”

And finally: “I really think Lindsay was at a maturation level that she now understands what she needs to get from it. And she grasps that.”

[From ABC News]

Yeah, so mature. Lindsay is totally fine now, right? Oh, wait. She spent the night with Samantha Ronson after they went clubbing. And I’m totally sure they were both completely sober. Sure. Because as a “lifelong entertainer” Dina’s professional opinion is that Lindsay is totally fine. Of course.

Also – notice how many times (in the video) that Dina says Lindsay is a “child” or a “little girl” or talks about how young Lindsay is. Bitch, your daughter has been a crackhead for like SEVEN YEARS. Stop treating all of this like it’s some youthful indiscretion!!!