There are twenty-million stories about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher this weekend, and almost all of them are pretty tedious and boring. Here’s an honest question: do you think Demi Moore really cares about money? Yes, she’s very rich (her production company makes her a lot of money), but do you think that Demi cares enough about the money to really fight tooth and nail about it during her divorce? I don’t. Anyway, here are some highlights from various stories:

*Ashton is keeping up with his professional obligations – he was spotted at work on Two & a Half Men after the divorce announcement. Fans say Ashton was “fine” and “very professional” and “business as usual” on set. Also, “It was a great show. He was his usual self. He seemed in good spirits. He seemed totally normal.” Probably because he doesn’t give a crap?

*Both Demi and Ashton have big premieres coming up in the next few months. Ashton is expected to make the promotional rounds for New Year’s Eve in December, and Demi will be promoting LOL, the film she did with Miley Cyrus, next year. Oh, and Demi has a small film coming out in December too – Another Happy Day. A source says, “She’s moving full force ahead in terms of work.”

*Sources describe the last days of Ashton & Demi’s marriage as a lot of unhappiness and a lot of fighting. Counseling didn’t even help. Shocking.

*The Mail claims that Demi is going after Ashton’s fortune in the divorce. A source claims that she’s instructed her lawyers to “punish him financially.” The source continues: “With a pre-nuptial agreement, Ashton should be sitting pretty. These agreements are designed to protect one’s earnings during the marriage as well as one’s pre-nuptial assets. But Demi is furious, raging in fact – you only have to look at every photo you see of her to see the toll Ashton’s cheating has taken on her. She wants to punish him financially because of the way he has broken her heart. She is talking about going after a share of what he has earned since their marriage on the grounds that she contributed to much of what he has achieved. She is going to give him a bitter fight and, whether or not she wins, it will be an expensive lesson for him.”

*Demi feels like Ashton “violated her trust.” The marriage couldn’t even be fixed by a make-or-break trup to Parrot Cay in the Caribbean, where they stayed at Bruce Willis’s house: “She was a wreck. She believes strongly in marriage and she really didn’t want to spend her middle years alone. But in the end, she just couldn’t see any way of making things work. Bruce told her he is in her corner.”

*Demi and Ashton were all about the threesomes while married, according to sources: “They would have threesomes. Demi liked women and Ashton would bring another woman into their relationship for flings, but they both agreed to it. If he wanted to do anything as long as she knew about it she was fine. It was the sneaky ones when he got caught that infuriated Demi. Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton. That’s why she didn’t mind having women in the relationship as long as she was involved.”

Do I believe that they had threesomes? Eh, sure. I don’t think it was a regular thing, though. My guess is that it was a last-ditch effort to save their marriage in the past few years, and that it was more for Ashton than for Demi and her “needs”. I’m not sure that I buy that Demi is all about having sex with ladies, either. I think her needs are about holding on to her youth and maintaining a certain image.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This is a pretty juicy story that would have gotten more mileage prior to Kim Kardashian’s precipitous downfall. Remember how Kim sort-of dated her hot Australian bodyguard late last year? (You can see photos of their on-screen hookup here) They even were shown in bed together on “Kourtney & Kim Take New York.” Well apparently the guy was married, his wife had the impression that they were still together (although they were necessarily apart at the time due to their jobs), and then he hooked up with Kim and unceremoniously dumped her. They’re also still married, and she’s still waiting for the guy to give her a divorce. Here’s the story, via Hollywood Life. Star did get the other woman to speak on the record and they have photos and everything, so this isn’t a story based on unnamed “sources.”

Kim’s romance with her Australian body guard Shengo Deane played out on her show back in 2010, but now Shengo’s wife is speaking out against the reality star.
Kim Kardashian has found herself in the middle of another love story gone wrong. Zuzana Deane is accusing Kim of stealing her husband, Shengo Deane, Star magazine reports.

Kim was introduced to Shengo in April of 2010, while he was her bodyguard in Australia. He then appeared as Kim’s love interest in a September 2010 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and an October 2010 episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York.

“In my eyes, I was happily married to Shengo when he and Kim met,” Zuzana told Star. “Less than two weeks later, he told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, and then he ends up in her arms in Los Angeles. It was a whirlwind. I don’t know what Shengo initially told her about his situation — he’s handsome and charming, and I can see where Kim would be smitten. But it was all a shock to me.”

But Zuzana and Shengo are still technically married. “Incredibly, Shengo still hasn’t given me a divorce, and that’s all I want from him, nothing more,” Zuzana said. “As for Kim, I actually don’t have too many hard feelings. I think she was a bit too trusting and impulsive — and Shengo saw her as the golden ticket to fame.”

[From Star via Hollywood Life]

I would say that if this guy wasn’t legally unavailable Kim would have married him, thrown a fairy tale wedding, and ditched him later. He he was too low status for her though. He was worth a fling and that’s it.

Radar is reporting that Kim is being portrayed as the “victim” to baddie Kris Humphries on the upcoming season of “Kourney & Kim Take New York.” Of course Kim has “editorial control” and is going to manipulate the footage to make it seem like Kris treated her poorly and not the other way around. Even if this is true and the guy was a total ass, she chose to marry him and that’s on her.

The E! reality darling will be seen “as the victim, and Kris will definitely be the bad guy. Kim was stunned by the amount of bad press and the public relations nightmare she has endured since deciding to file for divorce,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com. “Kim will be using the show to attempt to rehab her image. Kim has been telling her inner circle that she has worked very hard to get where she has, and she isn’t going to let her marriage and subsequent decision to divorce Kris Humprhies ruin that.

“Kim carefully and methodically plans all of her business decisions, and that is how she is looking at her divorce, as all business. Of course she is sad, but it’s all about Kim’s endorsement deals and paid promotional appearances. There were reports that Kim was going to lay low after she filed for divorce, yet several days later, she was in Atlanta shooting a role in the movie, The Marriage Counselor.

“Kim will be ringing in New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas. The fact is Kim is extremely insecure, and she is truly afraid that if she were to disappear from the public eye, for even more than a week, her fame would disappear,” the source says.

[From Radar]

Kim is right, her fame is about to disappear. She should count on it.

Meanwhile Kim is still co-starring in that Tyler Perry movie, The Marriage Counselor, as an assistant to a matchmaker. Perry defended his decision to cast Kim, writing that “I thought and still do think that it would be very responsible of her to be a part of this film. To have the young people that look up to her, see her in a film that is about what happens in life when you make the wrong choices.” Perry doesn’t seem to get that Kim has much less “young people” looking up to her at this point.

In related news, PETA is slamming Kim for wearing fox fur. They may as well do it now when she’s still somewhat relevant.

Most of these photos are from 11/2 and 11/3. Credit: WENN.com. Open mouth photo from 8/31/11. Credit: Fame

Praise Jesus, y’all. Demi Moore is finally admitting that her marriage to Ashton Kutcher is over. I would have loved to have seen this a month and a half ago, but now is pretty good too. Demi Moore announced the split with an official statement to Us Weekly:

It’s really over for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton,” a rep for Moore, 49, tells Us Weekly in a statement.

“As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life,” Moore’s statement continues.

Us Weekly was first to break news that Kutcher, 33, had a one-night stand with San Diego party girl Sara Leal, 22, in the wee hours of Sept. 24 of this year — Kutcher and Moore’s sixth wedding anniversary.

Margin Call actress Moore adds in her statement: “This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.”

It was the first marriage for Two and a Half Men star Kutcher, and the third for Moore, who divorced singer Freddy Moore in the mid-1980s, and fellow actor Bruce Willis in 2000. Married for 13 years, she and Willis, 56, share three daughters: Rumer, 23, Scout, 20, and Tallulah, 17.

Just last weekend, Willis hosted the embattled couple at his vacation home in Turks and Caicos, where Moore and Kutcher gave one last shot at repairing their union. “They had to get away,” a source told Us. “Things have been very strained.”

[From Us Weekly]

I especially like the line, “As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.” She’s right – she’s a mother to three young women who look at her as an example. On one side, she was setting an example of working for and fighting for your marriage, and honoring your commitment – on the other side, she was showing her daughters that it was cool to have a husband who screwed around. Mixed messages.

Of course, Ashton had to tweet his response. I wonder if his new Twitter management team came up with this? He wrote: “I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail.” Whatever, jag.

I know some of you are over it, but I’m Team Demi still. I hope she divorces this bastard and finds someone really nice.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Of all the stories about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ impending divorce and fake show wedding, this one is probably my favorite. It’s just hysterical, and I really hope it’s true. Supposedly Kris Humphries has some kind of “evidence” that Kim Kardashian uses padded panties to make her ass look big, and is threatening to expose her butt as a fraud. I’ve never really thought about padded underwear, as it wouldn’t occur to me to try and give myself a bubble butt. There are real products with silicone padding that do just that. (You learn all sorts of useless things while gossiping about celebrities.) Anyway Kris hasn’t exposed much dirt on Kim so far, probably because he’s still hoping for a decent cut of the wedding profits, but what could he say that we don’t already know about her? We already know that she’s narcissistic, superficial, useless and petty. Real evidence that she’s lying about that trademark ass that she keeps insisting is all natural would go far to discredit her, not that she’s got much credibility left at this point. Here’s more:

Kim Kardashian’s big booty is a big, fat fake, sources say – and her estranged hubby Kris Humphries is threatening to expose the truth.

The reality TV sexpot insists her bubble butt is all natural and even displayed an x-ray of what she claimed was her backside on her show to use as proof.

But some insiders claim the curvy 31-year-old beauty uses butt pads and say Kris filmed a video that proves his estranged wife’s prized posterior is phony!

Kris remarked to pals that, while he loves Kim’s shapely butt, it’s not the same as what you see on the red carpet or TV.

“Kris told his buddies that it takes a lot of work for Kim to make her bottom look as good as it does,” says a source. “He revealed all her secrets – how she uses ‘booty pads,’ Spanx and other things to enhance it. When she takes off the Spanx, the pads and everything else, it’s not the same.

“He knows what the real thing looks like – because he’s reported it on his cell phone camera!…

“Despite what Kim said on her show, I think she has definitely had fat injections in her butt,” the source said.

“Kim would never call it a Brazilian butt-lift, but that’s essentially what it was…”

Even before they split, Kris taunted [Kim] about her weight, sources say. At 5-foot-3, Kim claims to weigh 115 pounds, but Kris told pals that she’s closer to 130.

“Kris would pat Kim’s bottom and say, ‘You sure have a lot of junk in your trunk,’” divulged a close source.

“The Kris actually began calling Kim fat! He said the undersides of her arms were flabby and she was getting a pooch in her belly. Kim was furious!”

The first source added: “Kim is all about creating illusion. Having Kris spill the beans about how she really maintains her world-famous butt would be devastating to her.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, November 21, 2011]

Even if Kim Kardashian isn’t using those butt enhancers, (although she probably is) I do think she had a Brazilian Butt lift. (Link potentially NSFW.) The procedure involves fat transfer to the butt and wouldn’t be detectable on an x-ray like the one she did of her ass for publicity. (Like everything she does.) Oh I hope Kris is in possession of video revealing that Kim pads her ass, I really do.

A couple of days ago Kaiser reported on the story that Kris H. was refusing to sign the divorce papers and was pressuring Kim to return the actual wedding gifts, not just make a tax-deductible donation to a charity in lieu of returning gifts. That report was from Life & Style, which had Kris’ dad on the record talking about how his son was blind-sided by the divorce filing. An unnamed “source” told L&S that Kris was refusing to sign the divorce papers, and it sounded like that came from Kris’ dad too, but that he didn’t want to be blamed for leaking that news.

Well Kardashian mouthpiece E! denied that report and claimed that a source told them “It is not true that Kris is not going to sign the divorce papers…. He doesn’t want a war. He’s laying low.” You know that Kim just assumes she’s going to get her way, as usual. I hope that Kris really does hold out and that he contests the divorce and puts her through the wringer.

Meanwhile In Touch is reporting that The Kardashians are at war among themselves over this divorce, which is surely threatening their easy money stream. Supposedly Khloe and Kim got into a big blowup while they were doing publicity in Australia. In Touch claims that “The family has split into two camps since the divorce – Kim and her mom versus the rest of the family, who are really angry at her.” Evil Beet has more on this if you’re interested, but you get the point. The Kardashian’s big fake house of cards is collapsing all around them and they’re screaming and clawing while trying to hold onto what they believe is rightfully theirs. Only it’s all an illusion, down to Kim’s giant trademark ass.

These photos are from 7/10/10, and they’re the same ones The Enquirer used to illustrate this story. The pictures of Kim looking especially plastic are from 11/3/11. Credit: WENN.com

The Kim Kardashian divorce debacle has become a public relations nightmare for the Kardashians. Mom Kris has made it much worse while she’s on her book tour. She’s been saying that Kim shouldn’t have to give the ring back, that this was a difficult decision for Kim to divorce her husband after less than three months, and that we don’t know her family at all, only of course they’re an “open book.” So now the Kardashians are doing damage control, and it’s coming across as lame and fake, just like everything else about them. There’s a new story on TMZ that Kim has to pay Kris H. if she wants to keep her $2 million engagement ring, as per the terms of their prenup. Of course Kim isn’t going to pay for half the ring, she bought it for herself two years ago.

Over the weekend Kim flew to Minnesota to seek “counseling” with her estranged “husband,” with the pastor who married the two of them. Kris H. has been holed up in his hometown during the NBA lockout and apart from issuing a statement that he was “committed” to Kim and “devastated” about the divorce filing (while he’s been partying with strippers) he hasn’t said anything further. Now TMZ is reporting that Kim is “conflicted” about the divorce. She was photographed at the airport in LA and again outside of Kris’ house. Of course she was. Details of their supposed four hour meeting with a counselor were leaked to TMZ, which reports that a reconciliation is “up in the air.”

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries threw a Hail Mary Sunday … to see if they could save their marriage — and after a four-hour meeting with their pastor, sources close to the couple tell TMZ a reconciliation is “up in the air.”

According to our sources, the meeting with Pastor Joel Johnson went well as they talked through lots of issues. We’re told the two expressed respect and love for each other … but both acknowledged a lot is wrong with their relationship.

Our sources say Kris was “ecstatic” Kim made the trip to Minnesota and he truly thinks he can win her back.

As for Kim …. she’s unsure if she even wants to give it another go … but for now, she’s willing to keep talking.

[From TMZ]

I doubt the whole breakup was staged for publicity, but the wedding and this “reconciliation” surely were. So it’s hard to figure out what’s “real” with these people. Kim realizes that she failed to play the breakup for sympathy, and that she came across like the petty, greedy self-obsessed plastic surgery victim that she is. So now she’s trying to act like she’s willing to reconcile with Kris, and like she put a smidgen of effort into her relationship instead of listening to her narcissistic “intuition.” There’s no reconciliation happening for her. This woman is incapable of having a reciprocal relationship at all.

Update: Here’s the SNL Kardashian spoof that so many of you were talking about. It’s hysterical!

Kim is shown at the airport on Saturday with her pillow. She’s also shown on Friday coming into LA from Australia with Khloe and Lamar. Credit: Fame and Pacific Coast News.

I used to think the term “Indian giver” referred to how the US Government made a lot of promises to the Native Americans and then reneged basically every time. In my mind the early Americans were the “Indian givers” because they gave to the indigenous people and then took back land and screwed them over at every turn. As I learned a while ago, the phrase actually refers to American Indians as supposedly taking back gifts, and is considered derogatory.

So Kris Jenner used the term “Indian giver” when referring to the fact that her daughter Kim Kardashian wasn’t intending to give back her $2 million engagement ring to Kris Humphries after their 72 day marriage. On Good Morning America yesterday, Kris J. sniped “I hate an Indian giver. It’s a gift – you keep a gift.” It was a stupid and entitled thing to say, but like a lot of things this woman says it was also a half truth. That $2 million dollar engagement ring that Kim claims Kris H. bought her was recycled from 2009, when Kim bought it for herself to try and get Reggie Bush to propose.

Kris is now under fire from Native American rights groups for using that phrase. I love how these Kardashian idiots are getting fallout at every turn:

The backlash against Kris Jenner is exploding over her use of the phrase “Indian giver,” and the largest American Indian and Alaska Native organization in the country has told RadarOnline.com exclusively that her comment “wrong and hurtful…”

Pata was referring to Jenner’s use of the phrase “Indian giver” on Good Morning America after saying that she hoped her son-in-law Kris Humphries didn’t want the engagement ring he gave her daughter Kim Kardahsian back.

“The phrase “Indian giving” is wrong and hurtful,” she added. “The cultural values of Native Americans are based on giving unconditionally and empowering those around them. Instead this cultural value is forgotten when negative stereotyping of Native people occurs.

“November is Native American Heritage Month and this moment calls for a reflection on the contributions of America’s first peoples to this great country. There are over 5 million US citizens identified as American Indians or Alaska Natives and 565 federally recognized tribal nations. This November we’re focused on celebrating 1.7 million Native youth under the age of 18 that face many challenges. There are many hopeful solutions and we invite the Jenner and Kardashian family to join with the country in learning more during Native American Heritage Month.”

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, an organization that serves the Native American community called Kris’s comment “false and hurtful,” as well.

[From Radar Online]

I know this is a throwaway phrase that used to be in wide use that Kris probably has no clue about. The Native American rights groups are using this as a teaching moment to try and get people to stop using it. This just goes to show how out of touch the Kardashians are, and of course how money-grubbing they are. Kris J. was talking about a $2 million dollar ring that Humphries supposedly bought for her daughter. Humphries is a multi-millionaire in his own right, but he’s also an athlete with a limited shelf life. Of course Kim isn’t going to return the engagement ring, though, since she bought it for herself fair and square. It was as much of a “gift” as the “loss” she took on her wedding. Bitch can’t recycle it again later, either, unless she gets the diamond reset or cut so it looks significantly different.

Kris talks about the ring at 3:00 in. As they say on The Soup, I watch this for you. (And it can be a sacrifice.)

Here’s Kris signing copies of her book at a Barnes and Noble in New York

As Kaiser wrote yesterday, I know that a lot of you want us to boycott the Kardashians. Even The NY Daily News called for a boycott. As a professional gossiper, my “professional” opinion is that this is way too good to ignore. This is when we get to mock them mercilessly, when all the crap we’ve been saying about them for years is made completely apparent to the rest of the word. This is when they go down in flames, letting off noxious fumes from all the substances injected into their faces (figuratively), and when we point and laugh.

Kris Jenner was on The View today to promote her new book. (The one where she claims she could have saved Nicole Brown Simpson’s life if she’d come over when Nicole asked her to, only she didn’t, Nicole got stabbed to death, and her ex husband went on to help OJ escape charges for the murders.) Kris probably had this whole promotional tour scheduled well before she had to do pitiful lying damage control for her daughter’s failed marriage.

Yesterday we heard Kris on The Today Show trying to insist that no one made any money off of Kim’s ridiculously lavish highly publicized wedding. Today she was on The View talking about Kim’s divorce, and how she was trying to be there for Kim as a mother. At one point she started crying, and it really amused me. I know I sound evil here, I just don’t care. As someone wrote on ONTD, these people are totally shameless and they deserve to be called out for it.

Here are some of Kris’ quotes. Kim is “brave” for calling off her marriage after less than three months instead of sticking it out and trying to make it work.

I don’t know [what happened with Kim's marriage]. All I know is that I’m her mom first and she confided in me and said ‘Mom, this is what I need to do. I have to do this and you have to trust me.’

I tell her ‘Are you sure this is a decision you need to make?’

She says ‘Yes… mommy, this is what I feel I need to do. Please trust me, please be there for me.’

Of course as her mom I’m with my girls [voice breaks] through thick and thin. [voice breaks, starts crying]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go to the emotional place. It’s a tough time for the family and for Kim and for everybody involved. It’s really hard to go through this on such a public stage.

It’s hard and I told Kim, I said ‘Look, you’re not the first person to get divorced and you won’t be the last no matter how much time has gone by, you are human and you were strong and brave enough to stand up and say ‘Look, I’ve made a mistake. I’m really sorry.’

All this stuff that comes out and the people that lash out, it’s hurtful. You know, we’re just trying to weather the storm right now and be strong.

She was crying because she’s upset at all the fallout they’re getting, not because she particularly cares about the state of her daughter’s marriage. This is the woman who insisted that her daughter not change her name when she got married because it would hurt their brand. Now their brand is in the sh*tter and mom Kris can’t stand it.

Barbara asked Kris is she ever considered whether their family should never have had a reality show in the first place. Of course she didn’t. She said “We feel so happy and satisfied with our show… We wear it all. We’re an open book… For the fans and the viewers that have followed us from day one, they have this investment in our family.”

The key word is “investment.” A lot of people are going to pull their “investments” from the bank of Kardashian soon.

Kris Jenner on The View part 1. She tries to cry at 2:45 and it’s so fake.

Kris Jenner on The View part 2. She again insists that they didn’t make any money off the wedding.

These photos are from 10/4/11 and 9/8/11. Credit: WENN.com

Kim Kardashian and Khloe have been in Australia doing press for krap they’re promoting with their name on it. Kim did two interviews, during which she fielded the inevitable questions about why she filed for divorce just 72 days after her multi-million dollar televised wedding. Her answers were incredibly weak, and did nothing to dispel the growing public doubt that the whole relationship was a sham for the cameras.

On an Australian morning talkshow, “Sunrise,” Kim was asked directly “How hard did you work to keep it together, and did you go to marriage counseling? Did you really try?” Kim looked defeated when she opened her puffed up lips to answer “I think when you know so deep in your heart that you just have to listen to your intution and follow your heart there’s no right or wrong thing to do… I think what really… upsets me most is that there has been from the start so many rumors of money and dollar signs … and so much of it not being true.”

Who is she kidding? Her whole life is about dollar signs and that’s what her wedding was about. She’s a ridiculous cartoon parody of a person. “Intuition” led her to scrap her marriage after she staged one of the hugest, showiest, phoniest weddings in history. As for how much things cost, we know for a fact that the items on her verified gift registry totaled over $175,000 and that her wedding was probably in the $20 million range. (Kim is donating the gifts to charity, but you know she had to do that for image purposes.)

I don’t believe her marriage was necessarily a planned scam. I just think she’s so superficial and narcissistic that she would suck someone into her orbit, milk the relationship for publicity and cash and then throw out that person the minute they were no longer useful to her or required even a small sacrifice on her part.

TMZ reports that Kim and Kris were arguing bitterly during prenup negotiations, specifically over how much of a cut Kris would get from the wedding. They report that his take of the profits was “limited.” As we heard yesterday, momma Kris tried to unconvincingly deny that they made money off that wedding. That’s the only thing it was about and that’s the only thing that fuels this family and their stagemom on steroids.

Meanwhile E! continues to air the wedding, probably because the ratings are through the roof. They put out a statement denying that the whole thing was fake. The President of E! said that “I don’t even know if Kim has had a chance to emotionally process this the way that she needs to… I don’t have any indication that this is going to change her career path.”

I’m hoping that this does “change her career path” and that she’ll command much less interest. There should be a huge backlash for this. Kim scrapped plans to attend a horse racing event in Australia for one hour in exchange for a $153,000 appearance fee. She was going to make that for one hour. Instead, she flew back to LA early to deal with the fallout from her divorce.

She also might have been anxious to get back with Reggie Bush. We’ve heard that Kim is still in love with him. Rumor has it that they had lunch in New York over the weekend, but Reggie denied that saying “I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. And I don’t have any plans to.” He also made it clear that he wasn’t in NY with his team until 5 pm on the day in question. “Anybody who can do the math knows I wasn’t at no damn lunch.” Sounds like he learned his lesson.

Kim is shown sitting down at a meet and green in Australia earlier today (they’re 15 hours ahead of EST). Khloe and Lamar were there too. Can you believe that they lasted this long? Kim looks like a blowup doll. Credit: WENN and Pacific Coast News.

As I already talked about, Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce today, right now, of this very moment. Ryan Seacrest has confirmed the news (he produces their shows), and every media outlet is running it, so it’s on. TMZ says that she’s going to be citing “irreconcilable differences” which is funny because how “irreconcilable” is anything after only 72 days? It’s not like they’re being tortured, you know? “Oh, I just don’t know how much longer I can go to parties and have my photograph taken with my husband! IT’S TORTURE.” Anyway, now we get to play the fun game of “Why Are they Really Splitting Up?”

*Theory #1: TMZ claims that the fight that led to divorce was about Kris Humphries wanting to move back to Minnesota. TMZ claims, “We’re told Kris was passionate about eventually settling down in Minnesota, where he’s from … and believed Kim was on board with the plan. She wasn’t. Sources tell us Kim — who’s from L.A. — wants to stay near her family … and she also feels that staying in town is the best thing for her career.”

*Theory #2: Us Weekly’s sources say that Kris “isn’t drinking the Kardashian Kool-Aid” and it was causing major problems because he wouldn’t just fall in line. Also, he’s bored and doing nothing because of the lockout, and it was driving Kim crazy.

*Theory #3: Kim and Kris were living in NYC with Kourtney, Scott and Mason-Dixon. Kim told People that the living situation was “not ideal” for newlyweds.

*Theory #4: Kim is already boning someone else. Hollywood Life thinks it might be Linnocent’s old john, Vikram Chatwal. Reggie Bush is probably in the mix too. Or what about that dude Kim was already sexting while she was engaged?

*Theory #5: It was always just a dumb lie, a storyline promoted for the reality show. It was all for ratings and money and famewhoring and gifts and freebies and an excuse to throw a party. It was all business.

*Theory #6: This is my theory – it wasn’t all a lie, just mostly a lie. I think that Kim didn’t really love Kris, but thought he was easy-going enough to be married to for a short time. I think the basic thing, the crux of all of this is that Kim simply wanted to have a wedding. She wanted to plan a wedding and wear a white dress. She didn’t think about anything beyond “walking down the aisle”.

Also: I can’t believe I was right about a “A Very Kardashian Divorce: The Kardashian Khristmas Special”. Except maybe this one will be a Thanksgiving special. In any case, they didn’t make it to the end of the year, so I win.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Earlier this year, a blind item came out about a famous “married” couple who never bothered to get a wedding license after their religious ceremony. It read, in part “While their wedding was a religious commitment ceremony and family party, they never got around to the actual marriage license part.” Most of us suspected Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher at the time, and it looks like we may have been right. A new racketeering lawsuit has been filed against high profile Kabbalah cult members including Ashton Kutcher and Madonna that alleges that there’s no such thing as a “Kabbalah” wedding. What’s more is that the lawsuit states that Moore and Kutcher aren’t even legally married under California law. This puts an interesting spin on Demi and Ashton’s divorce. Maybe they don’t even have to go through one. (California does not recognize common law marriages, assuming Moore and Kutcher are not legally married.)

The bad news is that this lawsuit is being filed by one guy who is representing himself after getting stiffed by Madonna and deciding to look into the cult. It’s worded poorly, judging by the excerpts posted by Radar, and the guy suing isn’t even a former Kabbalah member. So while the lawsuit sounds promising at first, it could go nowhere and the man filing it might not have any insider information.

But now the state of the relationship faces a whole new level of inquiry, as a lawsuit that was filed earlier this year alleges that their marriage isn’t even legal, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

Marc Aisen filed a lawsuit on March 29, suing Kutcher, Madonna, and other Kabbalah members for racketeering and conspiracy to engage in a pattern of racketeering activity. Aisen is representing himself in the case.

The lawsuit states: “Mr. Kutcher made a media circus out of his Kabbalah wedding to actress and hardcore Kabbalah cult member, Demi Moore, who is a longtime friend of the defendant Ms. Ciccone. As the ‘First Couple’ of organized Kabbalah, the ‘wedding’ presided over by defendant and alleged fraudster, Yehuda Berg — which I am pointing out again was not a private family affair, as all parties used it as a publicity stunt and invited media attention — was not a legal union, nor is the marriage according to California law.

“Nor is the myth that there is such a thing as a traditional Kabbalah wedding as I can’t seem to find evidence in any book that such a ceremony was ever performed in history. It was a way to put a glamorous face on the weird witches which is antisocial in their every manifestation.”

Aisen, who is Jewish, but not a follower of Kabbalah, began investigating the practices after claiming he designed a talisman necklace for Madonna that was worth $500. “There was one caveat to my generosity which was that I stipulated that Ms. Ciccone was to model the necklace in public and give me credit for designing it,” the docs state. Aisen says Madonna was photographed wearing the necklace but never gave him credit for it, and this is when he began “homework on the Kabbalah Center. What I found, I did not like. I learned the Kabbalah Centre is actually a militant and fanatical cult behind which is a racketeering conspiracy,” the lawsuit says.

[From Radar]

Anything that helps shed light onto the very illegal and money-hungry Kabbalah cult is welcome, but again who knows if it’s even true that Demi and Ashton never made it legal? It might explain Demi’s unwillingness to let go. She was last seen looking positively skeletal and still wearing her wedding ring. Somehow she seems a very sympathetic figure despite all the crowing she’s done over the years about her relationship with Ashton. How humiliating would it be for her, not only to have been cheated on so publicly, but to have it come out that she’s not even married to Ashton? These two have been “married” for six years. If it’s true that they never went through the step of getting a license, what was holding them back? Did Demi know that Ashton wasn’t faithful and was that keeping her from making it official? Did Ashton have reservations that he ended up acting out passive aggressively by cheating? These two presented such a united front for years and maybe it was just that – a front.

The NY Post reports that Demi and Ashton had four hours of marriage counseling at the Kabbalah center in LA on Friday before Demi went to NY alone to attend the premiere for Margin Call. So they’re trying to hang in there. Everyone is talking about how skinny Demi looks, with Radar quoting an “expert” who estimates her weight, at 5’5″ tall, to be just 90 pounds.

Demi and Ashton are shown on 1/11/11. Demi is shown alone on 10/18/11. Credit: WENN.com