Howard Stern and his crew routinely take celebrity audiobooks and mix and match words and syllables to create rude and outrageous phrases that sort-of sound like they’re coming from the celebrity. The results are creatively stupid and often disgusting toilet humor, a fraction of which might pass as an actual sentence but most of which sounds outrageous and stilted. Howard and Robin present the phrases like they’re real and talk about how crazy it is that the person would be saying that, but it’s glaringly fake and it’s doubtful anyone believes it. Former Star Trek star George Takei has gone on the show when people are prank-called using mixes of his books. He’s laughed through it all good-naturedly, likening the results to raunchy audio Picassos.

One of the latest celebrities to be subjected to an audiobook sampling mix is 62 year old country legend Dolly Parton, and hers was definitely obnoxious and insulting. Phrases included:
God damn I love n*r cock
Kenny Rogers loves to piss inside little boys a*holes
Linda Rondstadt is a really fat tub of sh*t

Instead of trying to ignore it or saying that it was an obvious manipulation, Parton issued a statement that it really upset her and that she’s considering suing:

Dolly Parton has hit back against “The Howard Stern Show,” which last week manipulated recordings from one her audio books into seemingly racist and sexually graphic sound bites.

“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,” Parton says in a statement. “I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this.”

“If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this,” she continued. “Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”

[From Billboard.com via Gossip Rocks]

The phrases attributed to Parton involved the n word and pedophilia so you can see how she would get extremely upset about it. I listened to a bunch of these mixups, they’re below, and some were definitely funny but they went too far in many cases. That’s pretty much expected for Howard Stern, but you can’t blame Parton for saying that it’s way out of line and that she’s really hurt by it.

When I heard this I thought that Parton might have a new book out from which they’re sampling, but her biography Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business came out over 10 years ago.

Here are some clips from the Howard Stern show in which they do these audiobook mixes - warning on all of these. Don’t listen if you have kids around or are at work without headphones, they’re raunchy.

Dolly Parton Audiobook Mashup

Ed McMahon audiobook

George Takei “calls” a self-professed Hillbilly

George Takei Deli Prank

Nasty Oprah Audiobook, featuring George Takei in the studio

Dolly Parton is shown on 5/1/08 on her way to play Radio City Music Hall, thanks to WENN.

I do love a celebrity who can poke a bit of good-humored fun at themselves, and Dolly Parton is certainly one of those. I actually didn’t realize that she was a singer when I was a child. I just kind of thought she was a woman who made appearances for comedy effect, like Coco. We didn’t listen to much country music in our house.

It seems that Dolly has had to postpone her upcoming Backwoods Barbie tour. Great name, see what I mean about her being able to poke fun at herself?

The tour–in support of DOLLY’s BACKWOODS BARBIE album, due out February 26 on Dolly Records–was set to kick off February 28 in Minneapolis, MN. DOLLY apologizes to all her fans for this inconvenience and hopes that her fans will be patient until the dates can be rescheduled for late April through May. Tickets will be honored for the new dates.

In a statement, DOLLY said: “I know I have been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new Backwoods Barbie CD and world tour together, but I didn’t mean to hurt myself doing it! But hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems. Seriously though, the doctors said I will be good as new in a few weeks, and I can’t wait to get back out there. See you soon, Dolly.”

Dolly Parton

I’m actually really glad that Dolly is only suffering a bit of back ache, she’s 62 years old and could have something much more serious. I know that being in your sixties isn’t exactly elderly, but most people are retired by then. Dolly looks really good for 62, although she happily admits to having plastic surgery, saying “If I see something sagging, bagging and dragging, I’m going to nip it, tuck it, and suck it!” and “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”

She also admits that her breasts aren’t real anymore, but prior to her weight loss in the 1970’s they were real. Now she says ‘They’re mine, bought and paid for!”

I think I might be a fan. I always did like her versionof I Will Always Love You best. (link leads to video)

Picture note by Celebitchy: Dolly Parton is shown at the Thanksgiving Day Parade on 11/22/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

Dolly Parton is one crazy cookie. I remember her in her days when “9 to 5” was hot. She was also in a Christmas special I loved to watch. But she is sporting more plastic than Barbie and going on tirades about hookers and her open marriage. Now she wants to package all that crazy-making into a biopic.

“Dolly wants the very best people in town to work on the project and is naturally very excited. And we hear the blonde legend wants American beauty Scarlett Johansson to play her.”

[Daily Star]

Good choice by Dolly. If Scarlett stuffed a couple of bowling balls into her bra she would be on the money. Parton’s most notable assets have been her best weapons since, I am guessing, birth. After she passes into the great big plantation in the sky she joked that her chest would live on.

“I can just see two big mountains growing up out of my grave, and people going around on mule rides to look at them. Throughout my whole career, I’ve been known for two things - I’m talking about my music and my lyrics!”

Parton is also trying to sell her idea to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. She is desperate to have the TomKat team produce the biopic. She feels that Tom, Katie and Scarjo would be the best-of-the-best to bring her film to life.

My guess is that the hard-core Dolly fans out there will make a yearly pilgrimage to see the temple erected in her honor. Perhaps they could take those donkey rides to the top and find inner piece or a buffet of grits and a shrine made of acrylic fingernails dedicated to her memory.

Note by Celebitchy: I doubt this story is true, but with Dolly talking so much smack lately you never know. I was thinking they already have a sort-of shrine to Dolly Parton. There’s an amusement park in Tennessee called Dollywood, and checking out the website I can say that I would go there with my family if I had any other reason to be be in Tennessee. It looks like it pays homage to Tennessee’s past along with having modern rides and family shows. Have any of you ever been there and was it fun?

Scarlett Johansson is shown on 5/3/2007 at a Louis Vuitton party for Oxfam. Dolly Parton is shown on 6/7/07 at the Songwriters Hall of Fame Ceremony. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Update: I am using a Vodaphone connection temporarily, one of those mobile connections that you plug into a USB port, as I just moved and don’t have Internet at home yet. It does this weird thing where it doesn’t download the entire image data, and just shows fuzzy images. I thought it was just happening on my computer and that you guys would see clearer images, but it’s also affecting the images I download from PRPhotos. I found a workaround for newer posts than this, but I just wanted to let you know that there are fuzzy images on this post and on other posts with pictures from PRPhotos for the last week or so, and that I didn’t figure out what was happening until now.

Talk about a good day for little Rotherham, England. The old steel-making town to the north of London got a visit – and a concert – from Dolly Parton who was there to open her Dollywood Foundation’s “Imagination Library” in the town. Dolly’s foundation has created these libraries all over the U.S. in an attempt to get books into pre-school homes. But Dolly created quite the controversy with some of her comments while she was in the town.

Country superstar Dolly Parton breezed into Rotherham to bring a touch of “showbiz sparkle” to the old steel town. As she opened a children’s library, the Nine to Five superstar dropped a tantalizing hint that she enjoyed an open marriage with her husband Carl Dean.

Miss Parton, 61, claimed it was “very good for both of us” if she or her spouse cheated on each other. And she also admitted she looked like a “hooker” and admired the way prostitutes dressed when she was a teenager.

When asked if her marriage of 41 years was open, Miss Parton replied: “If we cheat we don’t know it, so if we do cheat, it’s very good for both us. I don’t want to know it, if he’s cheating on me. If I’m cheating on him, he wouldn’t want to know it. And if we do, if that’s what’s making it work, then that’s fine too.”

[From the Daily Mail]

You know, even I have to admit that nothing warms the hearts of preschoolers more than talk of hookers and open marriages. They’re likely to pour Dolly a bourbon on the rocks, light a cigar and tell her the story of some of their rockier relationships too. Then they joke and laugh, and the kids head on over to the Imagination Library to learn the fun of potty training. What the hell Dolly? Can we talk about the right time and place? That was your only freaking purpose in visiting this town. Little kids! You’re supposed to pique their imaginations not spike their nightmares.

I will cut her a bit of a break because she had a few good quips during the audience question and answer session. Not sure if it makes up for talking to toddlers about your sexual dalliances, but that’s just me.

Most of her is aged 61 now, with a couple of notable exceptions, and she’s still got the voice that made her so popular.

She is also shamelessly down to earth. What would she like people to say about her in 100 years’ time, some weeks one asked.

“Don’t she look good for her age,” said Dolly.

Was she offended by the dumb blonde jokes?

“Why would I be offended?’ she said. ‘I know I ain’t dumb, and we all know I ain’t blonde.”

[From the Daily Mail]

Alright, we get it, you’re an adorable saucy old minx. Something tells me if you’re still around in a hundred years like your plan, you’ll be shacked up with one of the now-toddlers in the audience. Points for your charitable cause and all, but next time let’s have a chat about the execution first.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Dolly Parton is shown at the Thanksgiving Day Parade in NY on 11/22/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

Jessica Simpson’s flubbed performance at The Kennedy Center Honors for Dolly Parton on Sunday sounded worse the way it was described, but it still looks really uncomfortable to her. I’m Not Obsessed is reporting that she is said to have feared a waldrobe malfunction, and that may explain why her arm is right under her top and she’s staying in one place. She was said to have sung without projecting herself and to have rushed off after no one applauded for her, but you can clearly hear her and it seems like the audience claps afterwards. It’s hard to tell by the way the video was edited, though.

Shania Twain looks gorgeous and there’s also a clip of Reese Witherspoon’s speech about Dolly:

Thanks to Faded Youth for finding this first.