Paris Hilton’s rep is a genius. He comes up with the best excuses. Back in May he told the whopper that somehow Paris and Nicky spent hours shopping for their mother for Mother’s Day for Christian Dior items, even though they were only seen out at Kitson that day and they don’t carry that brand. Unfortunately, a “fellow whizzed by and grabbed the package” when it was being delivered. That’s precious!

Now he’s saying that the mysterious white substance up Paris’ nose after she was hanging with Brandon Davis in New York was “stray dessert!”

Is yet another young star having trouble keeping her nose clean? Just days after Nicole Richie was busted for DUI, it seems her friend Paris Hilton is being a bit more naughty than nice this holiday season. According to the New York Post, Paris was spotted with a bright white substance inside her nostril after a lunch with oil heir Brandon Davis at NYC’s hot Nello restaurant on Dec. 12.

Her rep, Elliot Mintz, was quick to issue a denial, with this fascinating explanation. “I can tell you Paris does not use narcotics,” he said. “I would imagine [it’s] something like whipped cream or a sugary substance from dessert. Something that naturally might have found it’s way to onto her face if she touched her nose or whatever. I’d label it a stray dessert.” A stray dessert? If you say so. But here’s a tip, Paris: Next time, be careful with your candy (or “whatever”), you wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression.

I love that!

Here are the pictures in question, courtesy of Splash News Online.

Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI after she was busted driving the wrong way on the freeway while talking on her cellphone this morning. Two other drivers called 911 when they spotted her vehicle driving into oncoming traffic. She passed the breathalyzer but told cops she was under the influence of Vicodin and pot.

TMZ has learned that Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI early Monday morning. She was booked at 4:50 AM today and was released around 7:15 this morning. The booking sheet reveals Richie is 5′1″ and 85 lbs.

We’re told two motorists spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank. The drivers called 911.

When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone.

Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot.

A preliminary alcohol screening device revealed that Nicole was not under the influence of alcohol.

This is not the first brush Richie has had with substance abuse. In 2003, she pled guilty to heroin possession. The charges were dismissed after she completed the terms of her probation.

Aren’t you supposed to clam up and lawyer up when you’re arrested? She must have been really high if she admitted to it so easily like that. I would say that Richie might have a two week stint in rehab to make it look to the public like she’s contrite, but her career doesn’t really depend on it or anything and she seems pretty stubborn about doing her own thing.

Nicole Richie is rumored to be dating Hillary Duff’s last ex, Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden. She and Madden were seen trying to cover their faces while leaving a club on Friday night. Hollyscoop reports that Richie was likely driving home from Madden’s house at the time of her arrest.

The header image is of Richie on 11/17 and is from lime-light.

Grumpy Old Indian Man is back from his jetsetting adventures to offer us another clever celebrity illustration. He notes that Lohan is berry good at getting into trouble lately. In case you’re only a casual observer of celebrity gossip and could benefit from a recap, Lohan penned a poisoned Blackberry e-mailing desperately begging for attention and help from her lawyers, democratic political leaders, and anyone who could help her bring her rambling confused message to the masses. She revealed some sort of persecution complex and blamed an old assistant for all the negative stories in the tabloids about her.

This comes right after a berry scandal of another kind. Lohan and her ilk are said to enjoy cutting their drug of choice - or convenience - with Strawberry Quik.

Grumpy Old Indian man’s illustration is above, and you can view it full on his site.

Reliable news source In Touch is reporting that a witness saw Britney in a restaurant bathroom with a purse full of pills, including antidepressant Paxil and the antianxiety drug Xanax. Britney is said to have popped a Xanax right in front of everyone. You’re probably not supposed to mix those drugs, and you’re definitely not supposed to drink with them. At least they’re legal if she has a prescription for them:

On November 27 Britney dined at Dan Tana’s restaurant in West Hollywood - where she was also spotted carrying a glass of red wine out to her car before taking the wheel - and during a visit to the powder room a fellow diner caught a glimpse inside her handbag.

The source told In Touch Weekly magazine: “It looked like a pharmacy in there - I have never seen so many pills.

“There was a bottle of Paxil, an antidepressant, and a bottle of Xanax, which treats anxiety, that she took out and put on the counter.”

The directions for both these drugs state they should not be mixed with alcohol.

Taking some medication isn’t that damning. I mean Britney never goes home so she has to take her meds somewhere. She shouldn’t be drinking too, and driving, and neglecting her kids, but whatever. I was going to mention something about breastfeeding, but it’s not prohibited while you’re on Paxil and that seems to be a non-issue with little miss vag.

Oh I read a doubtful rumor yesterday that Britney was in talks to design her own panty line. She name-dropped Victoria’s Secret on her website, so it’s possible.

There’s also this explosive news that K-Fed is accusing Britney of banging Mario Lopez when she hung out in Vegas with him one weekend. According to The National Enquirer (as reported by Splash News, and it must be the print version because it’s not on their website) K-Fed says that Britney bragged about how she slept with Lopez, and that she spent a whole weekend holed up with him in a Vegas hotel:

Mario Lopez and Britney Spears met in the high rollers lounge at The Palms Casino when Britney was in town recording some tracks for her new album. This chance meeting led to a two day sex romp in Britney’s hotel room.

Honestly, I don’t know if any of this is true because they story comes from someone in Kevin Federline’s camp but here are some highlights of the story:

Kevin Federline is demanding that his baby son Jayden James is blood-tested to see if hard-partying Britney is putting him at risk by breastfeeding.

When she was introduced to Mario, she giggled, ‘I’ve heard so much about you.’ Mario replied, ‘I hope it was good.’ With a wicked grin, Britney said, ‘Oh, yes, it was very good.’

The pair headed to Moon nightclub where they put on a show on the dance floor. Britney was drinking a lot (of course) and her dancing with Mario became more and more suggestive. The two of them put on quite a show for the other patrons.

Afterwards, K-Fed heard that Mario was going around saying that Britney cried at the oddest time (gross).

Kevin says that Britney threw out that Mario was ‘better’ than he was (duh!)

And he said he wouldn’t be surprised if Britney slept with someone she just met - because that’s exactly what happened when he met Britney. (way to label your soon-to-be ex-wife and mother of your two kids a whore)

If this is true Lopez didn’t waste time moving on. He was seen kissing and groping his “Dancing with the Stars” partner, Karina Smirnoff.

Lindsay Lohan showed just how much the drugs have affected her brain by firing off a rambling e-mail to her lawyers and friends that was promptly forwarded to media outlets. She surely intended it that way, but if she wants to get out this message that she can serve as a role model and help change the world and all, (if that is the message, since I didn’t get the point) couldn’t she put in some line breaks and use a spell checker?

I’m getting ahead of myself, though, because Lohan is begging for help and advice in this stream of consciousness e-mail but doesn’t seem to be at the point where she’s able to accept it. She has a few vague bad ideas of how to go about making people love her, but she’s really just letting everyone know that she and her overinflated ego are out of control:

Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she’s done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
[Note from Celebitchy: that’s the longest subject I’ve ever seen]

Body:
But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let’s sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I’d really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I’m willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to ‘these people’ trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I’ve gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I’ve had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I’ve lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn’t hurt to ask. So let’s start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I’m doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

Thanks to Gawker for that entire dense e-mail, which I’ve read a few times and still can’t wrap my brain around. That subject line is very long. I don’t have a Blackberry, but is that how they work? Do people routinely just use the subject line for the whole message?

So Lindsay is asking for help from higher-up, and that’s what she’s learning in AA and all. She also says that she wants assistance writing some letter to the press or something about how great she is, but she’s doing it already in this message. She’s incredibly narcissistic and seems to think that everyone is out to get her. She’s blaming “LR” for leaking stories to the press, and LR is said to be the assistant who left her to work for Jessica Biel. She’s obviously using this girl as a scapegoat for her negative image.

Lohan - if you want help, I’ll give it to you, thanks for asking: If you’re so fucking concerned about education go to college. Preferably somewhere in the Midwest where drugs are hard to find. Maybe if you stop going out every night you won’t have to worry about all the tabloids reporting lies about you or whatever it is this e-mail is about.

It’s good that you’re asking for help, though, that’s something. I look forward to an e-mail where you make a fearless moral inventory and apologize to us all for wasting our time.

Lindsay is shown out to lunch with her mom and sister at Orso on 12/4. Thanks to Linds-Lo.com and Splash News for these pictures.

A drug runner 61 year old grandma was caught with 214 pounds of ganj. Grammy Garcia told police that she received only $275 in welfare a month and regularly gambled to buy money for weed support herself.

When police turned a deaf ear to her pleas, Grammy decided to take another route and pulled out a gun, no two, and said, “Give me back my bingo pot, bitches!” That’s when they decided intervention needed to happen and maced her bingo loving ass.

No, not really. But that’s what I imagined happened. Instead after that lousy excuse didn’t work, she claimed she was tricked which was a total farce because we all know if the crazy lady had 214 lbs. of weed that she had to protect and hide at all costs, she most definitely knew they weren’t a different strain of tomato plants.

Bad news: She’s getting 3-12 years in the slammer.

Good news: She will probably hand-make bingo cards out of discarded trash and bingo balls made out of buttermints and convince the other inmates to play with her.

And here I have posted a picture of Ryan Phillippe just because I’m sure he and Granny have the same interests.

Lindsay Lohan is looking rough and a little bloated lately. I’m not saying she’s fat by any means, she just seems like she’s been neglecting her health and it shows on her face and frame. She’s got that worn out look that comes with constant partying.

There have been a lot of stories about Lindsay this past week, and I just haven’t covered them because she’s a train wreck and seems to be going downhill fast.

Last night Lindsay told paparazzi agency X17 that Paris Hilton hit her arm. They have a video of her showing a faint bruise on her inner arm and saying the Paris was at a party at Lindsay’s friend’s house and that “she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me, and it hurts and it’s not OK.”

She also said “I’m sorry for everyone that thinks I’m crazy. I’m not, I’m just trying to act.”

Lindsay, you’re protesting too much. Let’s review the reasons why people think she’s crazy this week. We’re not including the fact that Lindsay flashes her kitty to the paps all the time, and is probably pissed that Britney is now using her tried and true strategy to greater effect.

• She hooked up with scumbag Calum Best while in London last week. The British rags had a field day with Lindsay, saying that she tried to get staff at the hotel where she were staying to lock Calum up in her room so he wouldn’t leave on a business trip.

  Calum promptly hooked up with another woman on his flight to Ireland in an attempt to move on as quickly as possible. He was also quoted by the Irish press as saying “I’m very definitely single.”
  

• Lindsay was snapped by the paparazzi while shopping at Planet Blue in Malibu, but was mighty pissed when they all bailed to get shots of Paris and Britney, who arrived together 45 minutes lately. Lainey’s gossip speculates that this may have prompted her little video confessional to x17 about Paris dousing her with a drink.
  

• The National Enquirer reported that Lindsay ODed on cocaine and painkillers on November 12 in her room at the Chateau Marmot, and that a doctor was called to treat her. He got rid of all the drugs in her room and told her to go to the hospital. Once Lindsay regained consciousness she refused further treatment.
  

• Lohan was in yet another car accident while in Londan last week. Her vehicle rammed into a police car, making it her fourth accident in a year and a half.

Britney and Paris might be vag-slipping weave-wearing trash sisters, but Lohan is of another breed entirely. She needs to call Ben Affleck and figure out how to lay low and reinvent herself while finding joy in the simpler things in life. There’s a rumor that she’s dying to play Stevie Nicks in an upcoming biopic, and considering that Nicks is a singer who admitted to a debilitating cocaine habit, it seems like a role Lohan would excel in. If she wants to get any other acting gigs, she needs to move out of Hollywood and go to rehab and therapy.

Pictures from Splash News Online and Celebrity Puke. Used with permission. Celebrity Puke wrote the jowls thing on Lindsay’s picture.

Courtney Love may be sober now apart from the chain smoking, but she remains scattered and deluded, of that there is no doubt. In this interview with British Pop magazine, in which she bears her sloppy soul and body for some publicity for her scrapbook memoir, she reveals that somehow her daughter Frances Bean turned out ok despite having her for a mother. She said that Frances has never kissed a guy or tried drugs, that she refuses to get involved with projects related to her late father, Kurt Cobain, and that she’s a “square,” a term Courtney uses with pride.

Courtney also claims that Gavin Rossdale sent her a diamond ring in 1996 after she had dated him for about eight months. She says she was hanging out doing chores for Edward Norton at the time, and that she got Norton to date her by tossing Rossdale’s ring into the river. She seems to suggest that Rossdale would never have been with Gwen Stefani if she didn’t dump him first. She states that she doesn’t see Gwen Stefani as an “enemy or a problem,” but clearly she does or she wouldn’t phrase it that way:

Edward [Norton] was a tough one, too. It was about eight months of me pretty much going grocery shopping for him every day before we dated. Nobody knows this but I dated Gavin Rossdale for eight months and on Valentine’s Day 1996 or ‘7 I did not go and see Bush play in Little Rock, Arkansas. Me and Edward were in Memphis and I got sent a pretty diamond ring from Gavin. Not an engagement ring but it was… something. I said to Edward, “If I throw this ring that Gavin. Not an engagement ring but it was.. something. I said to Edward, “If I throw this ring that Gavin gave me into the Mississippi river, do you think that we’ll go out?” He turned to me and said, “There’s a slim chance… But if you do not throw it in the river there is no chance.”

So you did it? “Of course I did it. Gavin is such a gentleman. Nobody gives him credit, but he didn’t kiss Gwen Stefani until the next day that I didn’t show up in Little Rock. Isn’t that a sweet story? I adore Gavin. I miss him, actually. That’s one person who’s not in my life now because he’s married to Gwen and whatever. I don’t consider Gwen an enemy or a problem, she’s just… It is what it is.”

[From Pop Magazine print edition, Winter 2006]

Courtney goes on to tell some pointless story about how she told Gwen Stefani that she would write lyrics for her the one time she met her by accident at a studio or something. Somehow Courtney was nude sitting there with a woman in her panties when she met Gwen, but supposedly they weren’t doing anything sexual with each other. I didn’t really get it.

Courtney said Mel Gibson got her to go to rehab by camping outside her hotel room, and claims she knew that Gibson would get busted for DUI before it happened.

She attributes all her success in life to Buddhist chanting, and says that all the successful people she knows are spiritual.

She was in a rough relationship with Steve Coogan when this interview was given, but has since broken up with him. She tried to “save” him, but says that she “cannot have people that take drugs in my life.” She was also linked with comic Russell Brand recently, but claims they’re just friends after meeting up one night.

She looks decent nude, but seems to have put on a few lbs since this photoshoot was taken. Even if she was super hot, who would put up with her shit? She’s a mess. At least the drugs were a good excuse.

You can read the Pop article if your eyes are good at ONTD.

The full size pictures available from the thumbnails below are unblurred nudes and are NSFW at all.

Given Pete Doherty’s latest line of self-congratulatory T-shirts, I thought his days of drugging were over. He’s been drunk in public quite a few times since his supposedly successful latest rehab stint, but somehow he’s managed to avoid being arrested for a few weeks. All that changed yesterday, when he was pulled over for erratic driving in London and arrested for possession of crack cocaine.

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty was released on bail on Sunday after he was arrested on suspicion of possessing crack cocaine, police said.

The on-off boyfriend of supermodel Kate Moss was arrested after he was spotted driving his car erratically near his east London home, police said.

The 27-year-old musician, along with car’s other two occupants, were arrested on suspicion of drug possession.

All three men were released from Bethnal Green police station pending analysis of the substances recovered, said a Scotland Yard spokeswoman, speaking on condition of anonymity in line with force policy. They must report back to police in December.

Note that he had friends with him in the car, so it’s possible the drugs weren’t even his. He did say that crack makes him happy, though. I bet it also works faster than The Slimfast diet.

Keith Urban was partying up a storm in Nashville while Nicole was off filming in Europe. Friends told Nicole that Keith was drinking again and she told him to go to rehab or she was divorcing his ass:

And with his wife away working Keith, 39, started to hit Nashville’s bar scene again.

Kidman was tipped off by friends that Keith was out drinking, and called to confront him.

“Nicole called Keith and confronted him,” an insider told Life & Style magazine.

“He got defensive and accused her of spying on him.”

But Urban eventually admitted his drinking to Kidman, and she flew straight back to the US to be by his side.

“She gave him a choice. He could enter a program or she’d leave him,” a friend of Kidman’s said.

“He chose the former. Keith can’t stand the thought of life without Nicole.

“That’s his motivation to kick this thing for good.”

And the pal says that Keith’s problems have had a massive impact on their marriage.

“She’s an emotional wreck,” the friend said.

“She would never say it to Keith, but she’s telling her family and close friends that her marriage is hanging by the thread.

“She says she wants to help Keith conquer his demons so the two of them can move on with their lives.”

Nicole is said to have turned to her father, psychologist Dr. Anthony Kidman, for help and advice during this difficult time.

Lainey’s Gossip speculates in her offhand way that Nicole is deciding whether it would be better for her image to dump Keith or stay with him at this point. They have an unstable relationship that is unlikely to withstand this latest pressure.

Lainey also says that Nicole has not visited Keith in rehab and that she did not accompany him there. Nicole has also reportedly been interviewing nannies, which leads some to think that she may be preparing to jump on the celebrity adoption bandwagon.

She could be pregnant or be preparing to be - she has been seeking fertility treatment as we reported yesterday.

I am trying so hard to gossip today, but I am all stuffy, dizzy and out of it. If I had a real job I would have called in sick.

Nicole is seen above in a recent candid with her nephew. Picture found on Lainey’s Gossip.