As a general rule I really loathe romantic comedies and chick flicks. Which is why every time I see an ad for Eva Longoria’s new film “Over Her Dead Body” – in which she plays a dead woman who is trying to “sabotage her former boyfriend’s current relationship with a psychic” (according to the Internet Movie Database) – I want to find Eva Longoria and kick her in the ear. A lot. The movie’s oh-so-adorable tagline “Just because she’s passed on… Doesn’t mean she’s moving on” makes me physically ill. So I guess it’s really no surprise that the promotion for the film would be just as nauseating as the film itself (which, to be fair, I should note that I haven’t seen, but detest on principle). Eva’s been making the rounds telling some cute little story about how she really does believe in ghosts or the paranormal or whatever. I’m guessing it’s probably in answer to some reporter’s inane question about Eva’s real-life experience with the paranormal that everyone is supposed to think is clever.

Paging John Edward: Eva Longoria revealed Monday that she’s been contacted by the dead. In an interview with the U.K. talk show GMTV, the actress – currently starring in the supernatural romantic comedy Over Her Dead Body – confessed her own fascination with the paranormal world.

“I’ve had my cards read, and I’ve had my palm read, and I’ve had a psychic tell me things,” the Desperate Housewives, 32, star said. But the most shocking encounter involved a complete stranger. “A woman came up to me on the streets who I didn’t know, and said, ‘Your aunt’s spirit won’t leave me alone until I come to tell you that she’s here.’”

It’s a pretty good line – one Longoria said she might use to land a leading role alongside a certain Hollywood hunk. “I’d be like, ‘George Clooney! So this person is talking to me, I have this spirit [with me],’” she joked. “‘We have to talk. We have to do this movie together!’”

[From People]

Oh how remarkably adorable. I’m pretty sure if Eva Longoria were promoting a movie in which alien abductions happened through a portal in her character’s toilet bowl, we’d be hearing some cute little story about how “something weird back flushed up my toilet, now I really believe in bathroom-based alien abductions” shtick. I realize I’m grumpy today, but I’m pretty sure Eva Longoria is the cause of it. I find it so aggravating when people do these cutesy little fantasy romantic comedies, and then tell ridiculous anecdotes about how something similarly adorably crazy happened to them. Even on the chance some lady really did come up to Eva on the street to tell her about her dead aunt, the fact that Eva Longoria doesn’t know this random street ghost medium doesn’t mean squat. The crazy lady has likely seen Eva a time or two on the magic box that holds the tiny actors in her living room. I don’t think it’s a story about ghosts; it’s a story about people with mental issues. And that’s just not relevant to the movie.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Eva at the Screen Actors Guild Awards on Sunday. Images thanks to PR Photos.

The Daily Mail cracks me up. Whenever they can’t find something decent to write about, they just pick apart people’s bodies. Which is probably better than making up stories. It’s definitely funnier, though more at the Daily Mail’s expense than the celebrities’. Earlier this week they picked apart Kelly Osbourne - showing her one day with blemished skin and the next day looking perfectly airbrushed – under the title “Kelly Osbourne transforms from spotty to spectacular in just 24 hours.” Today they attacked Paul McCartney’s bedraggled look in an article with the confusing title, “Macca’s hard day’s night as he wears the same outfit the morning after the night before.” Not content to just criticize one celeb a day, they moved on to Eva Longoria, who apparently has “rather unsightly knees.”

The Desperate Housewives star has clocked up an impressive six outfits in just two days since arriving from LA to promote her new film Over Her Dead Body.

But despite her array of frocks, it was her often her unsightly knobbly knees that really caught the attention of onlookers.

[From the Daily Mail]

The article goes on to pick Eva apart. While I am by no means her biggest fan – come on! They’re knees! Does anyone have a good looking pair of knees? I’m a firm believer that God was not paying attention to aesthetics when he came up with knees. Same goes for elbows. Aside from airbrushed models, have you ever seen a knee that made you say, “I must have him/her right now! Look at that sexy patella!” The Daily Mail also has a hysterical photo collection at the bottom of the article where they zoom in on Eva’s knees and outline them in red circles. Because otherwise we couldn’t find them and truly appreciate how disgusting they are.

Picture note by Jaybird: Eva Longoria doing publicity in London on Thursday and Friday. The last photo is Eva at the Mandarin Hotel in Miami on 1/18/08. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Eva Longoria’s new husband may tower over her, but she sure lets him know who’s in charge in their relationship. Star Magazine has a witness who was at a party at their house and claims to have seen Eva hitting Tony on the arm and smacking him upside the head. This seems completely believable to me, because they don’t just quote an insider or source, they use they guy’s name.

“We were all having a really nice time, eating Tex-Mex food and drinking cocktails,” partygoer Chris Ramirez tells Star exclusively. But it all went downhill from there.

“I don’t know how it happened, but the conversation got dirty fast,” says Ramirez. “Someone said oral sex should only be between man and wife. Then Tony chimed in, ‘A mouth is a mouth. What’s the difference?”

At that, Eva, 32, jumped up and screamed at her NBA star husband, “I can’t believe you said that! What do you mean, you’d take oral sex from anyone?” Then she let loose and slapped him hard across the shoulder, adds Ramirez. And if that wasn’t enough, she took a second shot, hitting him upside the head!

Although her rep denies the fight, Ramirez insists, “Eva was mad as hell, but Tony just sat there and did nothing. She then stomped off to another room, and we all sat there quietly. It was so awkward. I just thought to myself, ‘These two are crazy!’ Even before she made that comment, she kept hitting him and pushing him around - and she’s so tiny!”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, January 28, 2008]

And the witness goes on to say that Eva drank a lot that night and never looked at Tony after that incident. She made him sleep down the hall in his own room, which is where she banishes him whenever they have a fight. Star calls it his “doghouse room” and says that it’s “even decorated specifically for him with framed photos of the Spurs, a huge flatscreen TV and matching cherrywood furniture.” The closet in that room is filled with Tony’s clothes, too, since Eva’s stuff takes up the two closets in the master bedroom.

I do not believe that Tony Parker cheated on Eva Longoria in any way. Although I was inclined to believe those titillating stories and details came out late last year it’s clear that he was set up in a plot by an opportunistic hooker who pulled the same stunt with another sports star. She used photos of different models and tricked a “Germany’s Next Top Model” contestant into recording videos saying she slept with Tony. This party where Eva smacked Tony then ignored him all night took place on December 8th, which was nearly a week before the news got out that a woman was accusing Tony of cheating on Eva, so it’s not like she was pissed off over that.

There’s no excuse for hitting someone though, and just because Eva’s a small woman she doesn’t get a pass. That kind of intimidation is abusive and cruel and Eva is a little tyrant if she treats her husband like that.

It looks like Longoria is knocked up. She took pains to say she wasn’t pregnant and had just gained some strike pounds, but that was the first time I’d heard about her supposed pregnancy. Eva “pay attention to meee” Longoria wants everyone speculating about her maybe-pregnancy, so she put the news out there. She’s wearing looser clothing and it could be an attempt to fuel the rumors, but she does look pregnant. She hopefully didn’t know about it back in December or she wouldn’t have been drinking. I bet Tony is forced to stay in his “doghouse room” for the duration of his mean wife’s pregnancy.

Eva Longoria is shown leaving the Mandarin Hotel in Miami on 1/18/08.

We were initially a bit divided as to whether married Tony Parker could be guilty of the hotel romps that were claimed by a French model. Alexandra Paressant went to paparazzi agency X17 with an amusing tale of hooking up with Parker on separate occasions, claiming that he was seeking sex outside his new marriage to Eva Longoria because the petite actress thought sperm was bad for her skin, didn’t want to have sex in front of mirrors, and didn’t like certain sexual positions. Paressant offered four text messages presumably from Parker and her plane ticket to San Antonio as “proof” of their relationship. Parker sued X17 for $20 million, claiming they didn’t do their journalistic duty by failing to report his side of the story and not adequately checking out the woman’s story.

Paressant claimed last year that Brazilian soccer player Ronaldinho performed poorly at the World Cup because he was busy bedding her and playing Playstation late into the night. Ronaldinho also sued her for that claim, and while I initially thought that he had actually dated Paressant the real story is that, like Parker, he’s never even met her. She called Ronaldinho constantly, though, pestering him and threatening suicide. She also seems to not be a real model and to be using another woman’s pictures and passing them off as her own.

Dana Kennedy at The Huffington Post investigated the story and concluded that all of Parressant’s claims about both Parker and Ronaldinho were fabricated. In fact she found that many of the photos on X17 were of German model Hana Nitsche, a second runner up on Germany’s Next Top Model’s second season.

There are two different videos of a woman who is supposedly this Paressant person on X17, and she looks an awful lot like the German model mentioned in the Huffington Post article, Hana Nitsche.

It turns out that all of the videos and photos were of Hana Nitsche, not this Paressant person, who no one has ever seen, and that Paressant tricked Nitsche into recording the videos and sending the photos to X17 in an elaborate ploy. Nitsche told her story to the German press in which she revealed the plot:

The 22 year old [model, Hana Nitsche] said that some time ago she was contacted by Alexandra Paressant. “A couple of days ago, she called me again. [She said] I should send her a video.” It was meant to be a casting video. “She gave me the text. She claimed it was about a love movie. I should recite the given sentences. Of course I didn’t know which Tony it referred to.”

[From De.News.Yahoo.Com, roughly translated by my husband]

So some model was tricked by a woman no one has ever seen to claim that she had an affair with Tony Parker. As Crazy Days and Nights reports, it’s not likely that Parker’s lawsuit against X17 for reporting the story will be successful. The woman initially appeared to be believable given the “evidence” she offered and the videos, which weren’t even of her. I would like to see what this Paressant person really looks like as she’s led away in handcuffs and/or sued into the ground by Parker and Longoria. They aren’t my favorite celebrity couple, but when weirdos target people like this they need to be made examples of.

Update: Josh Robertson at The Playboy Blog notes that he found out this woman was a fraud who was using models’ photos and passing them off as her back when she tried to smear Ronaldinho. She either has an accomplice or another pseudonym and is running a scam where she uses the Internet to make her claims seem legitimate. As to what her motivation may be, here’s a NSFW link found by the Playboy Blog. It’s to a French escort agency site for the services of a prostitute named “Alexandra Paressant.”

Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have been flashing some new bling - matching rings worn on their ring fingers! Have they had a secret wedding?

The Desperate Housewives actress and the singer - who got engaged in March 2006 - were seen leaving a New York restaurant both wearing a band on their respective wedding fingers.

A source told the New York Post newspaper: “If they have got married, they’ve kept it very quiet. Michael wasn’t trying to hide his ring, though.”

Michael and Nicollette originally dated in the 90s but split in 1993, before rekindling their romance in 2005.

Stuff

At the beginning of November reports began circulating that Nicollette was pregnant, so maybe their wedding has been moved forward to accomodate a growing baby bump. Michael Bolton denied the rumours, saying “I am not going to be a father again soon,” and adding that they still had yet to plan a wedding.

Of course, I doubt that any celebrity couple can resist the opportunity to sell the exclusive pictures of their nuptials to a tabloid magazine. Fellow Desperate Housewives actress Eva Longoria sold the pictures of her wedding to Tony Parker for $2 million. OK! Magazine bought the rights, which probably paid for the wedding and left the couple with some spare change. Which might have been why she got married in the first place, on the date 7/7/07, in order to make some money and raise her public profile. Perhaps it was cash and not true love that drove those vows, which might explain the text message love affair.

Congratulations to Nicollette and Michael, hope you enjoyed your secret special day - and turned a profit.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton are shown on 12/7/07 outside of their hotel. There aren’t any clear shots of Bolton’s left hand and it looks like Sheridan is just wearing her engagement ring at that point. Thanks to Splash News for this photo.

X17 has the questionable text messages that Tony Parker supposedly sent French model Alexandra Paressant, who claims that she hooked up with the basketball player and husband of Eva Longoria for sex sessions at hotels after he was married. Paressant was possibly inventing her story for publicity, but she gets credit for making it funny as hell. She claimed that Parker was looking for a release outside his marriage because Eva Longoria doesn’t let him do certain things in the bathroom bedroom and that she “does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like [a] certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne.”

Paressant’s claims to X17 are accompanied by various scantily-clad pictures of the model in sexy poses. Eventually she provided the supposed text messages from Tony and her only other “proof” of their relationship was that they were friends on MySpace. There are four text messages proported to be from Parker sent on two separate days in which he tells her in French to meet him or call him.

At first I thought that the messages were fake because commentors on X17 note that all feature the same “time stamp” in the upper right hand corner. That’s the current time shown on the phone when the photos of the phone were taken, though, and not the time stamp of the messages. The time stamp and dates on the messages makes them seem possibly real, although it’s quite easy to fake text messages. It’s also pretty lame that she said they’re friends on MySpace, that’s desperation talking.

As we noted in our earlier post about Parressant, she also claims to have bedded Brazilian soccer player Ronaldinho before the World Cup last year, which he lost due to poor performance. Ronaldhino is suing Parressant for defaming his public image. The article I found about it makes it seem as if they did have an actual relationship, but that Ronaldhino is pissed that the woman made him seem like a sucker to the press.

The video of Paressant on X17 makes her seem like she’s super arrogant and I have a tendency not to believe her, but Parker does go for the obnoxious full-of-shit type. She is getting sued for prior claims, but she was apparently the girlfriend of the sports star she made them against. The verdict is still out on this one.

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s rep have denied that this story is true, and the newly-married couple issued a joint statement yesterday in which Tony suspiciously didn’t deny the woman’s claims. He just said “I love my wife. She’s the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier.” For her part Eva said that “Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband.”

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have one of those marriages that seems unstable. Maybe it’s because they broke up several times before getting married, or because they had both reportedly cheated on each other while dating. Or maybe it’s because Longoria is supposedly quite the control freak in their relationship. Or that anyone who’s “best friends” with Mario Lopez (Longoria) has questionable judgment. During their engagement, there were a lot of reports that Longoria pressured Parker into marriage. Though they’d been together for two years, Parker was only 24 when they became engaged – certainly one could understand how any person that age – but especially a successful NBA star – would want a little more oat sewing time. Longoria also seemed to spend most of her interviews discussing wedding details more than Tony or the relationship. For different reasons, neither seemed ready to get married – Tony for a lack of life experience, and Eva for her focus on material stuff. According to a model named Alexandra Paressant, she and Parker began an affair shortly after his July 7th wedding.

A model claims that Tony Parker cheated on wife Eva Longoria with her in September. Alexandra Paressant told x17online.com that she was a guest at his July 7 wedding and that the basketball player, 25, looked at her with a wandering eye. They were eventually introduced to each other by mutual friend, soccer player Thierry Henry, she said. But it wasn’t until September 29 that Paressant claims she and Parker began exchanging sexually explicit text messages and phone calls while Parker was in Paris at the Park Hyatt Hotel.

They then slept together, she said, and continued seeing each other night after night in Paris until he left to San Antonio a short time later. “We had room service. He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things,” she said. “She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like [a] certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne.”

[From Us Weekly]

Eva Longoria does seem both dumb and vain enough to believe that sperm leads to acne. I’m totally going to use that line. Not in bed, just to random people on the street. Paressant also told X17 that Parker said he got married because everyone has to at some point in life. Romantic. When they asked if Eva knew about their affair, she responded, “I don’t think she knew about it. She seems quite jealous.” I’m guessing she knows now. And must be thrilled that everyone knows the secret to her clear completion. Paressant also said that when she asked Parker if he and Longoria would have kids, he responded, “Certainly not for now.”

I can’t explain why, but I do kind of believe this story. I have no idea if Alexandra Paressant is a credible source. Most mentions of her online are not to her modeling career but the fact that she was sued by her ex-boyfriend. I believe the story of the affair more because it makes sense in terms of what we already knew about Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s relationship. Eva seemed to be pressuring a fairly young guy into marriage before he was ready, and she seemed to focus more on having the big fancy wedding in Paris than on the relationship. Hopefully something dramatic and exciting will happen soon, and Eva Longoria will learn that just planning your wedding for 7/7/07 isn’t actually all you need for a successful relationship.

Note by Celebitchy: If you watch the video of the “model” over at X17, she’s a bad actress and seems like she’s full of shit, but this story also rings true to me. It could be a publicity ploy I guess. It’s suspect that the source is X17. Why would this woman talk to them unless she wanted the press? It’s not like they’re going to check out her story or ask for receipts or plane boarding passes.

This same French model claims to be responsible for Brazilian soccer player Ronaldinho’s poor performance in last year’s World Cup - because he was shagging her at night and then playing Playstation soccer. I bet it was the video games that did him in.

This woman routinely kisses and tells - but is she telling the truth? Eva and Tony have issued new statements denying the reports. Note that Tony says he loves Eva and that he’s never been happier, but he doesn’t deny the woman’s claims. He seems like a dull blade, though, so maybe that only means they had to get this statement out quickly and didn’t read it over carefully or get another opinion first.

“I love my wife,” Parker said in a statement to PEOPLE. “She’s the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier.” Longoria, who took Parker’s name this year after their July nuptials, added, “Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband.”

[From People.com]

Pictures of Parresant below are from Ent.qq.com, a Chinese-language site.

Ken Paves, the man responsible for the flowing fake locks of Jessica Simpson, Eva Longoria, and Lindsay Lohan, says that he has test subjects at home to try out his hair extensions, now available to the public through his Hairdo line. Paves claims his three Saluki dogs are perfect for trying out his hair and that they let him know if a piece is not worthy.

“I have three Salukis - Afton, Taj and Honorree,” he tells Life and Style. “The dogs test all my hairdo pieces first. That’s how they make it in the collection. The dogs love to play with the hairpieces and if they ignore one of them, I take it as a sign.”

[From Life & Style, print edition, December 17, 2007]

That makes so much sense. Dogs naturally know what kind of fake hair would best suit b and c-list celebrities. It’s surprising to me that Paves is making this trade secret known. All of his hair extension industry competitors are going to get dogs to try out their wigs and filler hair too.

Paves doesn’t have much to worry about. Simpson and Longoria are fiercely loyal to him, and are frequently seen out at events with him. Hairdresser BFFs can get away with almost anything, including an atrocious style now and then.

Here’s Paves advertising his hair line on HSN:

Jessica Simpson and Eva Longoria are shown out in June of last year in the inset image, which also features a photo of the Saluki breed from Canada’s Guide to Dogs. The other photos are from the Hairdo promo shoot in August of 2006.

AOL TV has released a list of the ‘50 Sexiest Women on Television, Ever’. Normally I can’t stand a list that has the title ‘ever’, because it sort of suggests that this is it for sexiness. People are going to keep on being sexy, no matter how much time passes. Or at least I hope so, because otherwise I’m going to have to enjoy sunsets at the beach in my old age, instead of sexy young lifeguards.

The top 50 features a few obvious choices from the past few generations - remember when Teri Hatcher wearing only Superman’s cape became the most searched for image on the Internet? (And when you consider what other raunchiness you can find on the Internet that is quite an accomplishment.)

There’s also Sarah Michelle Gellar, Carmen Electra, Elizabeth Montgomery, Jennifer Aniston, and any Star Trek fan’s favourite Jeri Ryan, aka Seven of Nine.

TV’s Sexiest Women - Ever

1. Pamela Anderson - Baywatch
2. Farrah Fawcett - Charlie’s Angel’s
3. Lynda Carter - Wonder Woman
4. Heather Locklear - Melrose Place, Dynasty, T. J. Hooker
5. Eva Longoria - Desperate Housewives
6. Diana Rigg - The Avengers
7. Barbara Eden - I Dream Of Jeannie
8. Katherine Heigl - Grey’s Anatomy
9. Catherine Bach - The Duke’s of Hazzard
10. Tina Louise - Gilligan’s Island

AOL

Oh, Pamela Anderson back before she became a big breasted joke, running down a beach in slow motion in that skimpy red bathing suit. She deserves the sexiest woman on television crown, she’s the reason that Baywatch is the most watched show in the world. I doubt it’s for the storylines.

I can never decide if I love or hate Eva Longoria. I’ll come to a clear-cut decision, and then she’ll do something remarkably wonderful or remarkably annoying, and I’m back where I started. After reading an article about her in Parade, I’m again left stumped. In it, Eva talks about her respect and love for her sister Liza, who is mentally challenged. And I’m left in a bit of a pickle: do I like Eva more for talking about it, or is she using her sister’s mental illness to drum up publicity for herself? Because it’s Eva Longoria, I really could go either way.

Eva Longoria says she’s a naturally cheerful person, but her sense of optimism comes directly from her family. “I’ve learned there’s no better medicine than laughing,” says the Desperate Housewives star, who opens up about her family to Parade magazine. “(My sister) Liza is mentally challenged. She was my hero growing up,” she says. “It was a blessing to watch her overcome every obstacle – tying her shoes, putting on a shirt, getting out the front door. And yet she still had a job and would come home on the bus by herself and help with dinner. You could only imagine the hurdles she encountered every minute of the day.”

In fact she says her sister helped her career in some ways. “Liza was a role model to get me ready for life in Hollywood,” says Longoria. “You don’t take health for granted. You don’t take life for granted. It seems so insignificant to go, ‘Darn it, I didn’t get that movie role,’ or, ‘Darn it, so-and-so is wearing the same dress as me to the Emmys.’ ”

And having a supportive mother also helped Longoria learn to follow her heart. “My mother is the most non-judgmental person in the world. When I said, ‘I’m going to L.A. to be an actress,’ she told me, ‘All right. I hope that makes you happy.’ ” Longoria say’s she’s as happy as she’s ever been. “I love my husband with all my heart,” she says of Tony Parker. “I love my family. And I love my girlfriends. And I live my job. And I love my dogs. I love life, in general.”

[From People]

Yes? No? Do we like Eva Longoria more or less now? If nothing else I’m sure that I hate Parade magazine more. Is there anything else in the Sunday paper that serves less of a purpose? The auto auction announcements on page M12 have more relevance. And the cartoons just make me mad. A big dog holding a garden hose! Hysterical! F*#& off Parade.

Eva also touches on other deep topics, such as skincare.

“For me, as far as skin, I’m a big advocate of facials. And I moisturize. And I read my magazines. I listen to good advice from people who really know, and I try to watch what I eat. But it’s diet. It’s exercise. It’s maintenance. It’s checkups. It’s attitude. It’s a lot of things. And I think you just need to be aware of what’s going to work for you.”

[From Parade]

I’m not sure, but I don’t think reading magazines actually improves your skin. Probably doesn’t hurt it any, and maybe if you read something funny you might get a glow or something. There’s something so self-indulgent about Eva Longoria that even when she’s talking about something that carries some weight, like her sister, it still comes off as self-serving. But we shouldn’t complain: we’ve only got about 3 more new episodes of Desperate Housewives left, and then we’ll be begging for any Eva we can get.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Eva Longoria is shown at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show on 11/15/07 thanks to PRPhotos. Also, Eva may love her sister and all, but it’s not like she’s brought her out with her - anywhere. Have we ever seen a picture of Eva’s sister out with her to lunch, out shopping, or at an event? I’m not saying that she should be exposing her to the spotlight, just that it seems like we might have heard of her before if Eva spent any time with her. She might have, say, brought her to a Spurs game with her or something, but no, all we’ve seen is Eva.