Lindsay Lohan resolves to wear thong underwear to all funerals.

Britney Spears plans to make sure her children are properly secured in car seats before she drives under the influence.

Nicole Richie resolves to poop after she eats.

Paris Hilton resolves to quit being such a homebody and get out of the house more.

Angelina Jolie, in an effort to be taken seriously as an actress and humanitarian, plans to play the role of the princess in the new Mario Bros movie.

Madonna resolves to get more publicity for something she’ll figure out later.

Tom Cruise vows to quit exercising so hard and let himself go a little.

Matthew McConaughey vows to exercise shirtless outdoors at least once a week.

Christina Aguilera plans to be a bit more glamorous.

Victoria Beckham wants to lose those pesky last three pounds.

Jennifer Aniston plans to do a lot more cathartic yoga.

Nicole Kidman vows not to be the subject of any country songs.

Jessica Simpson vows to take some time off and relax.

Eva Longoria plans to speak her mind, or whatever comes to mind at the time.

Anna Nicole resolves to get blotto every day.

K-Fed resolves to get as much cash as possible in the divorce settlement and still come off as the good guy.

George Clooney vows to play the field in memory of his departed pig.

Thanks to my brother Mike for help with this list, some of which is humor, some obvious.

It looks like Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s PR relationship has been taken to a new level. Word is that Tony proposed to Eva, and that she’s anxious to be married and get pregnant with some other guy’s baby:

Eva Longoria and NBA star Tony Parker are engaged, PEOPLE has confirmed.

“Eva and Tony are officially engaged,” Longoria’s rep, Liza Anderson, tells PEOPLE exclusively. “The couple have never been happier.”

Parker, a point guard for the San Antonio Spurs, flew into Los Angeles after his game on Wednesday night and surprised Longoria at her home as she got off work, according to the actress’s rep, who added: “The proposal was romantic and perfect.”

The couple plans to wed in France next summer in what they describe as a “big, happy ceremony with lots of family and friends.”

Longoria, 31, and the French-born Parker, 24, met in November 2004. Though they played coy at first, by August 2005, the Desperate Housewives star confirmed they were a couple, asking PEOPLE rhetorically, “What’s not to like?”

Earlier in the year claimed to be Parker’s sex teacher and then tried to take back her stupid statement with even more verbal diarrhea. The two split up briefly in early October amid infidelity rumors, but Eva wasn’t having that and made sure to fly to Paris to be by Tony’s side. Now that she’s engaged she can focus on planning the perfect wedding and talking smack to the press about what a pain all the arrangements are.

Pictures of Eva in a wedding dress are screencaps from the George Lopez show and were found a while ago at SuperiorPics.

Eva Longoria’s rep released a statement on Friday stating that Eva and Tony are going through a difficult time. People magazine cites a source that says that they broke up, but are trying to work on their relationship. A friend of Tony’s is denying that they’re broken up, though. The two are in different places right now, with Eva filming “Desperate Housewives” in LA and Tony at a basketball training camp in France, so it may be a while if they ever do get back together:

Rumor has it that Tony was making out with one of his ex girlfriends at a party. Eva can be all over Jamie Foxx at the Golden Globes, but once her man starts messing around she’s not having it:

It might not be Tony’s fault he ended up with that blonde. He was denied access to the club’s VIP room, probably because Eva wasn’t with him. He had to hook up with someone else if he wanted access to anything that night.

Here’s Eva with bad hair and makeup at Ken Pave’s salon opening in Beverly Hills. (I like her dress though.) Ken is 0 for 2 with Jessica showing up in corpse makeup and now Eva looking like a warped “I Dream of Jeanie” with those super-long eyelashes, dark penciled eyebrows and half-done hair. (The crown sweep-up is usually a last-ditch effort on an exceptionally bad hair day.) He must have been too busy with his opening to assist these helpless celebrities.

Pictures [via]

No matter how well she knows how to use a gun, Eva Longoria usually manages to shoot herself in the foot. She opened her big ‘ol mouth again and completely ruled out acting in any other television roles after “Desperate Housewives” wraps. She’s going to be sticking that wounded foot in her mouth when she crawls back to TV as a longterm character on a soap opera:

While most actors would be grateful for any kind of consistent acting gig on television, Eva’s arrogance is going to screw her out of future roles.Here is Eva shooting a new movie, “How I met my Boyfriend’s Dead Fiance.” Jason Biggs is in it, so you know it’s going to be a hit with the critics. Who is she kidding, thinking that she has a movie career now? [via]

Eva Longoria’s diarrhea mouth is at it again. I usually don’t report on the crap she says because every few days there’s a new quote that shows how arrogant and/or horny she is. This one is too juicy not to report: she says she wants to get it on with a woman:

That’s hot and all, Eva, but cheating is cheating, and you don’t get a pass just because it’s a woman.

Eva and Tony Parker are not going to last. She’s saying crap like this because she’s bored in her relationship. She said earlier that she was the teacher and he was her sex student, then she tried to take it back by talking even more crap which just made it worse.

What I want to know is why women can brag about wanting to sleep with other women but it’s still off limits for men to say they want a gay experience.

Here is Eva out with her dog for lunch on 8/11. [via]

Jessica Simpson’s controlling dad is at it again. Her manager dad Joe is said to be partially to blame for the dissolution of her marriage to Nick Lachey and now he supposedly wants Jessica to stop hanging out with Eva Longoria, because she steals the limelight from Jess.

He didn’t just tell Jessica that he didn’t like her seeing Eva, he went behind her back to dupe Eva into not attending Jessica’s birthday party with the rest of her friends.

Poor Jessica is going to be left with a half-assed hairdresser as her only friend in this difficult, single time. She needs all the girlfriends she can get and that’s awful of her dad to try to cut Eva Longoria out of her life.

Maybe now that the news has got out Jessica will tell her dad to step off finally. It’s about time she dumped him as her manager and stepped out on her own.

Here she is at Lodge Steakhouse in LA with some other girlfriends. The pictures are from Sweet Kisses.net, where they say she “shows off her fuller figure.” Teetering between a size 6 and 8 doesn’t seem like a full figure to me, but I suppose everything is relative in Hollywood.

And who’s that tight-faced woman in the terrible pink gathered dress behind her? She doesn’t look fun or trash-talking like Eva. (Not that I like Eva, but she’s probably fun to hang out with.)

Eva Longoria has revealed that she won’t sign another contract with Desperate Housewives. She wants to be taken seriously as an actress and thinks she can make it on the big screen:

How snotty can she be? The show made her famous, and even if it’s not as good anymore she could at least be gracious about it.

We haven’t covered all the BS about how Longoria’s planning on marrying her gullible boyfriend, Tony Parker, or how jealous she is of her costar Nicolette Sheridan’s engagement ring, because we’re really sick of her and her big mouth.

Here’s the latest crap she said - she’s too lazy to leave Tony Parker. That’s so rude!

That really bodes well for her relationship.

Here is Longwhoria outside The Late Show on April 17th. Nice fur collar she’s wearing.

After Eva Longoria spouted all that shit about Tony Parker being inexperienced in bed and needing her tutelage - and then tried to take it back - it’s not surprising that his friends think she’s a blabbermouth and are questioning her sanity:

Longoria went on to say that “I never regret something I say. I regret how people perceive it.”

Her boyfriend is just a chump for putting up with her. She is so arrogant and she’s going to have trouble having a career after Desperate Housewives.

Here are some screencaps and collages from Eva’s appearance on The George Lopez show. [via]

Two collages after the jump.

(Read more…)

Eva Longoria shows how arrogant and annoying she is in every interview. In the new issue of Allure she reveals that she’s only the second woman her boyfriend Tony Parker has slept with, and brags about how whipped she has him:

What a stupid bitch. She’s saying she’s not a selfish, arrogant, and screamy actress. That’s like saying she’s not a petite brunette.

She has one of those cute conversations with her boyfriend like “oh, our kids will be into sports” and repeats it to a magazine like it’s substantial information about her future.

I really hope Tony breaks up with her after he finds out that she repeats their pillow talk. He may be a good guy, but he can’t be that much of a pushover.

Eva Longoria is complaining about all the bathtub and lingerie scenes she has in “Desperate Housewives.” She isn’t concerned about demeaning herself or distracting from her brilliant acting - she’s just worried about how she looks:

Eva is so vain that she’s sabotaging her career. She revealed earlier that she’s similarly planning a pregnancy around her vanity.