Another week, another Jessica Biel-Gerard Butler story. Can I just say something? Jessica is really pissing me off. I wanted to have sympathy for her post-breakup with Justin Timberlake, but Biel is grating on my last nerve with all of these “rumors” and “insider dish” stories about how Gerard Butler is so hot for her. Her publicist already leaked to Us Weekly that Gerard was really trying to bone her, which he denied. Then she leaked some more stuff about how much he wanted her, and how she loves their friendship and didn’t know if she should give it up, and then, last we heard, she managed to get a story into People Magazine about how she and Gerard bought “cupcakes” for the entire crew. At this point, she’ll just do anything to have her name put together with Gerard’s. And before you start yelling at me and saying that Gerard is a slut, I KNOW. I know he probably hit that. I also know that he’s probably knee-deep in Shreveport biscuits. Gerard does not pine away. He is not looking for a relationship, and he certainly isn’t hard up for Jessica’s stalker ass.

So… the latest story comes from Star Magazine (story via Jezebel). According to their source, Biel’s publicist, Gerard is “crazy” about Biel and he has been “practically glued to her side.” Take it away, Gossip Cop!

“Jessica & Gerard GETTING CLOSE,” reads a headline from Star, recycling an old rumor that Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler are now a romantic pair.

According to a supposed “insider” for the tabloid, Butler “is crazy about Jessica and has been practically glued to her side” while they shoot their rom-com Playing the Field in Louisiana.

Biel allegedly told Butler she just wanted to “be friends” at first, which has supposedly made the actor “chase her even more.”

It’s not “an official romance yet,” says Star, but the pair has been spotted “buying sandwiches” at a local deli and doing karaoke at a nearby hotspot.

However, despite such scandalous sandwich-buying (oh, my!), the magazine’s story about a budding relationship between the co-stars is way off-base.

Butler and Biel are NOT romantically involved.

A source close to Butler tells Gossip Cop the actors are working on Playing the Field together – and that is all.

[From Gossip Cop]

I wonder is Gerard is scared of her. If I was a dude and I was on Biel’s radar, I would be terrified of her. She’s got that Fatal Attraction vibe (to me at least). I know dudes always say that Crazy is good in bed, but I don’t even believe it in this case. I think when Biel is trying to land a boyfriend, she’s crazy, but when she’s got a man, she’s just clingy and vanilla and boring.

Since Biel is trying so hard to land somebody, let’s help her out. Who should she try once she realizes that Gerard has no interest whatsoever in dating her? Strong possibilities: Jake Gyllenhaal, Zac Efron, Penn Badgely, Alex Pettyfer (God, could you imagine?), Bradley Cooper… oh, I’ve got a good one! David Arquette! He’s wounded, she’s desperate. They could really make a go of it.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Yesterday, many of us were stunned at the news that Catherine Zeta Jones is bipolar, and that she was being treated for the disorder at a mental health clinic. I said yesterday that I hadn’t heard a whiff of anything regarding Zeta, but some of you reminded me that I had, in fact, heard a few stories. Nothing too bad, and nothing that I didn’t explain away at the time as simple “Oh, she’s on vacation” or “She must be tired.” But yes, over the past year, we’ve had lots of photos of Catherine chain-smoking and looking pretty drunk and out-of-it, and yes, looking back on some of the stories of her being “tired” and “out of it” were probably bipolar-related. Anyway, People Magazine – who broke the story – has another article up about Zeta and Michael:

Walking the red carpet at New York City’s Museum of Modern Art this week, Michael Douglas was feeling grateful for all the well wishes he’d received from friends and fans as he battled cancer.

“I feel great!” the actor, 66, told PEOPLE at Tuesday night’s event to celebrate Carnegie Hall’s 120th anniversary. “I feel a tremendous amount of support from so many people.”

Absent from the event was his biggest supporter: wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. Hours later, it was revealed that she has quietly sought healing of her own. Her rep says the actress recently checked into a facility for a few days to treat her bipolar II disorder.

The revelation was surprising to many, not least because the Oscar-winning actress and mom-of-two stayed steadfastly positive in public while sticking by Douglas’s side through a grueling six-month battle with cancer.

But behind the scenes, those close to the actress say she felt the strain. Her rep acknowledged the timing of Zeta-Jones, 41, seeking treatment was in part connected to “the stress of the past year.”

Adds a friend, “Catherine has had to deal with Michael’s illness, and that’s been hard.”

A Famous Example

In sharing her experience, the actress put a very public face on a mental illness experienced by millions. The key indicator of bipolar II, experts say, is a cycle of high and low moods, often with episodes of depression.

Zeta-Jones herself has described her bouts with melancholy, telling The Sunday Times in the U.K. that “I’m lucky. … But that’s not to say I don’t get down on myself. I try and stay positive, being negative isn’t good for my personality. I don’t just bring myself down, I bring everyone around me down. It’s like a dark cloud, ‘Uh oh, here we go’, and I have to snap out of it.”

Dr. David Miklowitz, professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine, says stress “definitely can play a role” in triggering depression or what doctors call hypomania, short periods of mild manias.

“Certain life events, changes, particularly those that affect the sleep cycle, can trigger symptoms,” says Miklowitz. “An event like a loss experience or family conflict can be a cause or a trigger of bipolar episodes.”

Carrie Fisher

Another celebrity knows the feeling. Carrie Fisher, who has laid bare own battles with weight, drugs and alcohol, and also revealed that several years ago she was diagnosed with bipolar II, has described the challenges of the mood swings that come with it.

“A manic phase is not predictable,” Fisher has said, according to USA Today. “The last time, I hacked off my hair, got a tattoo, and wanted to convert to Judaism.”

Perhaps most important, though, is that sufferers can – and many do – manage the disorder effectively, many times with various medications. Now that she’s checked out of treatment, Zeta-Jones can get back to her everyday life – being an actress. She has two new movies coming up, including Playing the Field, currently in production in Louisiana with Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel, and Lay the Favorite.

Adds the friend, Zeta-Jones’s decision to seek treatment was a positive step that will allow her to perform at the best of her ability.

“She went in for a few days because she’s about to start working, and to make sure she’s in top form,” says the friend, “which she is.”

[From People]

Um… Catherine Zeta-Jones is in Playing the Field? With Gerard Butler?!? I’m calling it: Gerard Butler instigated this current breakdown, probably after he and Zeta had some kind of torrid one night stand. My theory is solid. (Except I don’t think they’ve worked together yet, but nevermind!)

A note about the photos on this post and yesterday’s: I swear to God, I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just using some of the most recent photos we have of Catherine. Her eyes take on a different meaning in retrospect.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Gerard Butler is down with Indian girls. I’ve known this for a while, ever since he made an international booty call to get into Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra’s pants (sari). He’s also taken a few vacations in India, for what I presume are all-you-can-eat Bollywood Biscuit-fests. So… I’m just saying, Gerard is making his way to me. It’s going to happen at some point. Yes, it will likely be a one night stand, and chances are that Gerard won’t actually propose to me (sob!), but it will happen. But for now, he’s still trying to find me. And by “find me” I mean “nail another Indian chick.”

Bollywood actress Kangana Ranaut [sic] and Hollywood actor Gerard Butler had a meeting in the US recently but the actress managed to keep it under the wraps. Until now, that is. The story behind the meeting goes like this: Kangna Ranaut, who had previously crossed eyes with the sexy Gerard at a Bollywood party in India a couple of years back, texted Gerard when she was in the US recently for the shooting of a film.

Gerard, in spite of all his commitments, decided to drop in on Kangna’s shoot. Not surprisingly, the duo had a nice chat. Of course, the whole event was missed by the Hollywood paparazzi as they had no clue that Gerard would change his schedule! And now, all the memories of the secret meeting Kangna’s to cherish. We can only imagine…

[From KoiMoi]

Now, it could totally be that this Kangana chick is just trying to get some attention by leaking her (real or imagined) hookup with Gerard. This story is now being widely reported on Indian entertainment sites, but American media isn’t picking up on it yet. Perhaps because the members of the American media can’t even keep up with Gerard Butler’s one night stands?

Here’s another theory that I’ve been working out too – whenever Gerard is working with a reportedly “clingy” actress (Jessica Biel, Jennifer Aniston), there are always more reports about his brief affairs or one night stands. It’s like Gerard doesn’t even want to play along with the reports that he and [Random Clingy Actress] are a couple, so he goes out of his way to make sure that everybody knows that he’s screwing everything that moves. Just a theory.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Poor Jessica Biel. She goes from a tough breakup (with Justin Timberlake) to a film where she’s working with a notorious womanizer, and she still can’t get this junk going. It actually reminds me a lot of the Jennifer Aniston stuff when Aniston and Gerard worked on Bounty Hunter – there’s this effort, this straining to be mentioned together in tabloid stories. And if Biel doesn’t watch out, she’s going to get the same “Butler Treatment” – a very public finger up the bum after which she’s promptly dumped for his next conquest. Anyway, Biel has really been trying to make this Butler thing happen. Her people have already leaked stories about how Butler is somehow pining away for her on the Louisiana set of their new film, Playing the Field. Her people have also leaked stories about how the two have eaten food together – GASP! – although even People Magazine isn’t convinced. And now this story:

Jessica Biel and costar Gerard Butler ordered 13 dozen cupcakes from Cush’s Grocery and Market for the cast and crew of Playing the Field, which they’re shooting in Shreveport, La.

“It’s a wide variety of cupcakes [that] she and Gerard ordered for a Friday treat,” a source tells PEOPLE. Biel has dropped into the store several times for lunch, and usually orders the chicken salad special, the source says, calling the actress “one of the nicest, most down-to-earth people.”

[From People]

Jesus, Biel. We get it. You. Gerard. Cupcakes = Butler licking your cupcakes privately. It’s an attempt to sound like Jessica and Gerard are making coupley decisions together, like Gerard rolled over in bed and said, “My darling, I just thought of the nicest thing. We should buy the crew cupcakes!” Who is buying this crap?

Also – Jessica is “one of the nicest, most down-to-earth people”? Truly nice and down-to-earth people don’t need their publicists to shove quotes about their niceness down everybody’s throats. I’ve read interviews with Biel – and while she’s not actively mean or nasty, she’s totally full of herself. I want to hear from the Shreveport residents who say things like, “That Jessica girl is okay, but she’s always pushing her booty out whenever that Gerard fella is around. I think she’s stalking him?”

Photos courtesy of WENN.

A few days ago, Us Weekly reported that Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler might be starting some kind of torrid, grunting, bland affair. Well, they actually claimed that Gerard was all over Jessica and that she just wanted to be friends, insinuating that Gerard is pining away for her or something. Many predicted this turn of events – it’s a really obvious move by Jessica’s publicity team, hoping to encourage this image of Jessica as a sexy, fun girl who would attract the attention of a notorious ladies’ man like Gerard. Because her standard image is of a desperate, clingy, psycho stalker who hangs onto whatever A-list guy she can find. And while Gerard might aim low, so to speak, for the easy pickings like Jessica, he’s not pining away for anybody (except me, right?). Anyway, now People Magazine is even getting in on the mutterings about Biel and Butler:

Newly single Jessica Biel and new Playing the Field costar Gerard Butler were sharing dinner (literally!) while on a break from shooting their new movie in Shreveport, La. The two were eating at Tokyo Japanese Restaurant along with other members of their cast and crew. Butler ordered a green tea, and mostly picked off of Biel’s plate, the restaurant’s hostess tells us. But the social actor made the rounds, chatting up his colleagues (and fellow diners) before returning to Biel’s side.

[From People]

God, Biel’s publicist is really pushing this potential Butler hookup hard, right? People was like, “Okay, we’ll throw her a bone, but we’re going to make it sound like he was mooching food and schmoozing the crew.” Poor Jessica.

To make matters even worse, even E! News’ Ted Casablanca isn’t buying it, and he buys everything!

After reports yesterday surfaced that Jessica Biel was getting her revenge flirt on with Gerard Butler, we did some digging around as to what is going down on the set of Playing the Field. Jess and Gerry are filming together in Louisiana and have been seen out flirting on four occasions, according to Us Weekly. So is it lust, love or both?

According to set sources, nothing has happened between the two (yet).

“They have never had dinner alone,” dishes an insider in Louisiana. “They are always in a crew of people on the film.”

Still, that doesn’t mean these two hotties couldn’t sneak away, right?

“There is no romance or relationship,” insists the source.

A rep for Biel did not return our calls for comment. Got it.

Just saying, if Jess didn’t feel like resisting Gerard’s charm for too long we wouldn’t judge. Who says they need to have a relationship? Or romance for that matter. Celebs have needs too!

As we said yesterday, friends of Gerry’s said he was not looking to settle down anytime soon.

So who would you all like to see Ms. Biel with next?

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are gearing up for a press tour together, where their fab chemistry is going to be flaunted everywhere—we cannot wait!

It’s only fair that Biel finds herself an equally hot counterpart to cavort around with for a while. We suggested Bradley Cooper. Can you all do better?

[From E! News]

Why am I starting to think that Gerard reacted with horror when he realized Biel was trying to cling to his jock, privately and publicly? Is anyone else getting that impression? Either Gerard is being kind of rude, or one-on-one, Biel comes across like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Take your pick!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I apologize to the commenter who gave us the tip that Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel have been spending time together in Louisana. I forget both the commenter’s name, and what thread it was on. Suffice to say, Commenter X mentioned that Gerard and Jessica had been spotted eating together in a public restaurant in Shreveport. They’re working together right now in Playing the Field, the rom-com where Gerry is playing a soccer coach. Anyway, Us Weekly has a story up right now that is similar to our commenter’s tip. Only now I just want to pull out my slut shank and take care of Jessica Biel once and for all. Just as soon as my rage headache dissipates.

Justin who? Just five days after announcing her split with beau of four years Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel was spotted cozying up to her Playing the Field costar Gerard Butler.

Currently filming the flick in Shreveport, Louisiana, Biel, 29, and the 300 hunk, 41, were first spotted out for a crew member’s birthday at a Japanese restaurant on March 15.

“When Gerry got there, he made a beeline for Jessica,” an eyewitness tells Us. “He was really flirting with her.”

Two nights later, the duo was seen throwing back margaritas at a Mexican restaurant. And that’s not all, Biel and Butler shared two more dinners later that week!

Still a source close to the actress says, “She only wants to be friends.”

For all the details on their canoodling, check out this weeks Us Weekly.

[From Us Weekly]

Bitch, you wish. I have no doubt that this item was dropped into Us Weekly by Biel’s publicist. While Gerard isn’t really the cream of the A-list crop, being associated with him would certainly be useful to Biel, publicity-wise. But I’ve got to throw a “bitch, please” at “a source close to the actress says, ‘She only wants to be friends.’” Like Gerard is just so hard up that he’s pining away for the bland ass. Now, I’m sure Gerard wouldn’t mind hitting it – he’s a slut, after all. But until Biel gives it up, I’m sure Gerard is knee-deep in Shreveport ass.

Also – Biel knew that she was going to be starring with Gerard when she and Timberlake broke up. Was she preparing Gerard as her jumpoff? I say no – just because I think she would have much better luck with Bradley Cooper, who might be a more willing participant in whatever shenanigans she wants to pull. Gerard isn’t interested in having an “official girlfriend” for his “image”. He’s fine with his happy-go-lucky womanizer image.

Note to Gerard: This is not the way to win my heart. Back away from the Biel. Slowly.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I read a little something about this earlier this week, and oddly enough, it didn’t depress me. Usually when I hear about Gerard Butler rubbing his glorious stank on some girl, I get out my rage shank and count to ten. Why am I not depressed about this one? Because allegedly, Gerard was rubbing on model Selita Ebanks. Selita is his type – leggy, slender, dark. And it sounds like if there’s something there, it’s not much:

Gerard Butler had model Selita Ebanks on his [arm] at Madonna’s Oscars afterparty on Feb. 27.

“They’ve been hooking up,” an insider tells us. “But it’s nothing serious.”

[FromLife & Style, print edition, March 21, 2011]

Selita was last rumored to be dating Kanye West, although I haven’t seen or heard anything about Kanye and Selita together recently, so maybe that fizzled too. However, Gerard’s rep went to Gossip Cop and denied it, saying that the rumors of a hookup are completely “not true.” Gerard really is trying to make sure I continue to love him, isn’t he? That’s what this is all about – he’s making sure that I’m not too overcome with Fassbender lust, and that I always remember that he’s saving himself for me. Ha… I couldn’t even type that without laughing!

Oh, and for all of you saying that Gerard is going to be Jessica Biel’s new boyfriend… ah, no. They are scheduled to work together on that movie where she plays a soccer mom and he plays a soccer coach, but that doesn’t mean he’ll bone her. He really, truly has a type, and Biel isn’t it. Selita is, though. I’ll buy Gerry with Selita before I would ever buy him with Biel.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

My (imaginary) husband was worried about me! I’d been spending this whole week focusing on Michael Fassbender’s gorgeous ginger ass strutting the New York City streets, and boning some chick up against a window, PLUS Clive Owen has been writing me dirty, mustache-ride love letters all week. Gerard Butler knew that my devoted attention to Scottish dong had been compromised. So he stepped out yesterday with damp hair, looking slender and lovely. He’s even flashing me a dirty grin! Oh, Gerard. You Scottish devil. I can’t quit you.

The Daily Mail made a big deal about Gerard dyeing his hair too – remember the Touch o’ Grey just a few weeks ago? He had lovely silver streaks around his temples, and they were driving me crazy, in a wholly inappropriate and lustful way. And now he’s dyed it. Boo! Well, he looks younger, I’ll give him that. But my man is 41 years old – maybe it’s time to have a little grey, you know? Especially since it looked so dashing on him.

Sigh… I love this man. When is he going to propose already?!?

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Somehow, I missed that my husband Gerard Butler was also at the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party on Sunday. How did that happen?!? Anyway, this is just a little reminder, for those Butler-holics amongst us: Gerard is still around. And still hot. Why the hell didn’t he get to present something at the Oscars. Here’s my take: the Oscar viewership is mostly women. So give us what we want – the biggest fashion girls around, and all of the hot guys you can gather up. That means Gerard, Clive Owen, Michael Fassbender, Jon Hamm and Ewan McGregor all get lifetime passes to present at the Oscars. Because why not? I’m tired of trying to get excited about Matthew McConaughey and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Page Six also had this little behind-the-scenes story about my husband:

Gerard Butler was once again in his usual charming form at the Vanity Fair party. The handsome Scottish actor hung out with action star Jason Statham and his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend, Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Butler told us he was about to start shooting his new movie, “Playing the Field,” with Uma Thurman and Jessica Biel. He joked, “I play a former athlete who coaches his son’s soccer team and gets distracted by the soccer moms — so it’s going to be a challenging role for me.”

[From Page Six]

Yes, I read about that movie last week – Gerard is the lead, and “soccer moms” like Uma Thurman and Jessica Biel are trying to get into his pants. God, I hope his character ends up with Uma and not Jessica. I just can’t see that Gerard and Jessica would have any chemistry together… but Gerry has surprised me before. He managed to have chemistry with Dame Heigl in that terrible movie they did together, and from what I know, he’s like her only male costar that didn’t out-right hate her. So Gerard definitely has a way with his female costars. Still, I would prefer him and Uma.

Also – why does Jessica Biel stand like a bodybuilder? Does she want to date A-Rod too?

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston probably boned. I have accepted that, although the thought of Gerard grunting and sweating on top of Aniston still makes me nauseous. I prefer to think of him grunting on top of me, or, failing that, someone who looks a lot like me. Like Monica Bellucci (LOL). But yes, Gerard and Aniston were all over each other for a short time. He vacationed in Cabo with her and her friends, and he even stuck his finger up her ass. Ugh, here comes a wave of nausea…. Monica Bellucci, Monica Bellucci. Okay, I’m good. So, Gerard and Jennifer probably made sweet, sweaty, grunting, boring love and it was so bad that Gerard had to pick up another woman, French journalist Lisa Cholewa, halfway through Bounty Hunter’s European tour. Still, Gerard and Jennifer are still friendly, apparently. Friendly enough that he calls her to wish her a happy birthday:

The romance fizzled fast, but the friendship is still going strong between Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston. Dining al fresco with pals in the Chateau Marmont’s garden, Butler suddenly smacked his forehead and blurted: “Ohmigod! It’s Jen Aniston’s birthday. I’ve got to call her right now and wish her a happy one.”

Whipping out his cell phone, Butler speed-dialed, got Jen and bellowed cheerily: “Happy birthday, LUV!” After a few joke-y gibes about her age (she’s 42), the sentimental Scot propped the phone in the middle of the table and – as diners gawked, grinned and even joined in – he enthusiastically conducted his posse in a pitchy but powerful rendition of “Happy Birthday”.

[From Mike Walker’s column, The Enquirer, print edition]

Does Gerard says things like “Ohmigod!”? No. And the only thing Gerard whips out is his…you know. Did this happen? Whatever. If it did happen, it just proves that they’re still friendly enough to have each other’s phone numbers. Plus, it’s not like Gerard remembered her birthday before the actual day came. That bitch didn’t even send Jennifer flowers! He’s so delightfully cheap. When Gerard and I get married, we’ll clip coupons together.

Photos courtesy of WENN.