An ex Playmate has self-published a book about what goes on at the bizarre sex sessions at the Playboy mansion. She says that if you’re a hot nobody and want to get into Playboy without riding the then 78 year-old Hugh Hefner’s six inch Viagra erection, you can forget about it.

From her description, Hefner’s evening sex romps sound more like a freaky ritual than a fun-filled free for all. Here are the highlights:

• Women who live in the house must show up for Wednesday and Friday sex night. They are given rare exemptions in the case of major surgery (like a nose job), but if it’s that time of the month or they’re sick, they’re still expected to come. Even Hefner’s secretary has to participate.
• Hefner invites women into his lair. The night the source was there, 12 women were in the room. Each must bathe and wear identical pink pajamas. If they don’t want to have sex with the 78 year-old perv, they can leave their pajama bottoms on.
• Gay porn plays on two big screen TVs in the room.
• On the night the source was there, Heff got a hummer from his current girlfriend to start the action. 10 of the 12 girls then took turns having sex with him, taking about two minutes each while the other participants cheered him on. He took Viagra to perform and did not wear a condom.
• Women paired up for simulated lesbian sex for Heff’s benefit, but according to the source most of them weren’t into it and didn’t even like each other.
• The session ended with him having anal sex with the girlfriend, who wiped off his penis beforehand, as if that did something to prevent STDs.

In terms of what sex with Hef actually entails, it sounds like it’s strictly women on top:

How is a man who’s 78 years old able to have sex with that many women?

He doesn’t really do anything. He just lies there with his Viagra erection. It’s just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited. They’ll yell things like, “F-k her daddy, f-k her daddaddy!” There’s a lot of cheerleader going on!

Playmates are discouraged from talking about Hefner’s orgies through ongoing business deals with Playboy enterprises, including invitations to parties and ex-playmate get togethers, where they are paid for their appearance. There’s a code of silence around it because to reveal details would jeopardize their future earnings.

Strippers and lesser known porn stars get in Playboy by sleeping with Hef in these prearranged orgies, and the source claims that no woman has ever made playmate of the year without playing along at the sex sessions.

It looks like the answer to Bastardly’s question “Would you sleep with a dude the age of your grandpa for $3,000,000?” has been answered by a lot of the Playboy playmates, who would do it for fame and much less money.

Update: Hugh Hefner is just shy of 81 at this point, as commentor Jenna points out. He was born April 9, 1926 according to Wikipedia.

Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dina was dressed like a slut while having dinner with a guy in NY recently. Diners watched agast as her date started feeling her up under a napkin right there at the table:

Dina [Lohan], spotted in a “really short dress and boots,” made some fellow diners at Kobe Club lose their appetites Wednesday night. A guy sitting next to Dina was “all over her,” we’re told. “Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress,” our source says. “The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes.” After the guy realized he was being watched, he stopped whatever it was he was doing. A rep for Dina said, “That’s a disgusting lie and it’s completely untrue.”

I think I once downloaded a Jenna Jameson video with a similar plot, except it was another woman at dinner with her and they went off and had rough sex in the bathroom.

I just might think drinking myself into nightly absolut oblivion was a good way to cope if the news of my mom getting fingered at dinner got out too. Maybe Lindsay needs to start calling herself Rose and see if Madonna will take her under her Kabbalah wing. Madonna would surely be grateful for the publicity, and Lindsay needs some kind of guidance. Ending up branwashed by a psuedo-Jewish cult seems like a viable alternative for her now.

“Bestriding the British TV industry like a leggy goth King Charles spaniel on heat” (via Startrip.tv) nothing can stop the madcap genius of Brit Comedy sensation Russell Brand. Having worked his way precipitously through the shag-ready ranks of A,B, C and D level British Babes including Kate Moss, Sadie Frost, Kimberly Stewart and Abi Titmuss (famous for nothing in England –but should be famous everywhere just for that name) as well as any female who’s been on Big Brother UK — he’s the mad-haired, fey, boho lothario of the British moment. He’s a bit of a lad, a right womaniser and saucy tales of his bedroom antics are daily fare in the always estimable London tabloids. All we can say (since you ask) … if you meet the legendary ladies’ man… Don’t shake him by the thumb.

Fresh from his double entendre appearance on the cover of Backdoor Living — Russell has been tapped to host the live broadcast of this years Brit Awards ‘I will do my level best to tear it up,” says RB. “Once it starts it is all in my hands. It it is going to be like the rock and roll Brits of old, returned to the controlled mayhem and danger. I am going to be the ringleader at this carnival of mayhem and I’m really looking forward to it.’ ” Like we said … stay away from his thumbs … unless you are into that sort of thing … then welcome to the digital age. We wish you all opposable joy!

The Sun is making a big deal out of the fact that Angelina Jolie and Maddox once ate crickets while they were at a restaurant in Cambodia. Impoverished Cambodians began eating crickets out of necessity during Pol Pot’s tyrannous regime in the 1970s and they’re now a delicacy in the country. They’re said to be quite good fried up with oil.

WACKY ANGELINA JOLIE has fed INSECTS to her adopted son Maddox.

The actress, 31, and partner BRAD PITT bought the five-year-old a plate of crickets — a delicacy in the tot’s native Cambodia.

She said: “I recently took Mad to Cambodia and it was the first trip there where he really understood it. We took him to a restaurant in the middle of the night and he had his first plate of crickets.”

The high-protein bugs — reminiscent of TV’s Bushtucker Trials — are popular in the South East Asian country. They are often served with guts intact.

Angelina has previously eaten cockroaches and bee larvae and wants to learn how to cook them at home.

The Sun even has a list of “foods” Angelina can serve her kids, like Cockroach-au-vin, Egg-fried lice, and Flea cheeses pizza. Maddox is Cambodian and if people eat crickets there and he wants to try it, why make fun of Angelina or call her weird? If I was in Cambodia I’d eat one. They’re not live so it’s not all Fear Factor or anything.

Here are some pictures of The Brangelina family in a toystore in NY. I want Angelina’s outfit – she looks so chic in that white jacket with black boots. Pictures from SimplyBrad.

Ooh, so what is it? It’s a guinea pig! While catching up on my local hometown’s news, I managed to find this piece in the Business section of their website, not the News Bizarre section.

In the article, the guy says that guinea pigs are twenty bucks each! What the hell, just “rescue” one, and the best thing is, they usually come in pairs so you can charge your diners extra.

I personally don’t think that eating a guinea pig would be that bad, but then again, I’m Chinese so what would I know? (Only that chicken feet are good!).

Here are some interesting facts about guinea pigs I bet you didn’t know:

1) Peru::guinea pigs as Korea::dogs

2) Japan has a horror series called “Guinea Pigs” that has nothing to do with guinea pigs.

3) “In due time, you will learn how to outwit your guinea pig.” (Dude, if your guinea pig is smarter than you, I suggest you get a pet rock which will still probably add 1+0 faster than you)

Okay back to Britney Spears’ snatch. Sorry for the distraction… y’all.

Apparently the People’s Republic of China is getting stronger by the minute because they know things that we Americans don’t…

Drinking pee pee is essential for your health. But of course, the wacky, convincing SOB, aka Dong Wu, doesn’t discuss what those potential benefits are, except that the villagers are all old and astute.

But wait! Do not think less of them yet, they have principles!

“They only drink their own urine, the amount can not be too much, they drink only the upper part of their urine that is allowed to settle after they collect it in a cup.”

Well this stirred my nerves a bit. Why the hell was my mom feeding me breast milk when I could have had this?

(I considered making this post NSFW for the sheer barf factor. The Google search for “cup of pee” yielded nothing so I thought I’d use the composition of urine photo.)

Note by Celebitchy: In case you’re considering doing this crazy shit at home – don’t, but keep it in mind in case you’re trapped somewhere without water or a tasty beverage. From Skepdic.com

For most people most of the time, one’s own urine is not likely to be harmful. However, it is not likely to be healthful or useful except for those rare occasions when one is buried beneath a building or lost at sea for a week or two. In such situations drinking one’s own urine might be the difference between life and death. As a daily tonic, there are much tastier ways to introduce healthful products into one’s blood stream.

Michael Jackson is due to perform publically for the first time in ten years. He will be performing the graveyard scene from the “Thriller” video at the World Music Awards tonight, where he is also accepting the “Diamond” award for artists who have sold over 100 million records. It is the 25th anniversary of Thriller, which is the top selling album of all time with 40 million copies sold since it came out in 1981.

Jackson was photographed recently with disturbingly discolored Howard Hughs-like long nails. I’m not a doctor, but dark nails like that are definitely not normal. I tried to figure out what conditions that might indicate, and it seems like it could be a side effect of medication, particularly the cancer drug Cytoxan. Discolored nails can also be a symptom of cancer or some kind of poisoning, but from what I understand they usually show lines of discoloration or one oddly-colored nail, not consistently dark nail beds on each finger. (It could also be some sort of fungal or bacterial infection, which is probably most likely but doesn’t make for as interesting a story.)

Cytoxan is prescribed for cancer treatment and sometimes for kidney problems in children. Michael Jackson was sick several days during his trial in early 2005. He claimed to have suffered a bad spider bite at one point, and also had a “flu-like” illness that required hospitalization that many people assumed was stress from the trial. (Jackson was ultimately aquitted on all charges, and the latest news is that his accuser’s mother had defrauded the US government for more than $8,000 in welfare.)

Why are Michael Jackson’s nails so dark? Is he on Cytoxan for cancer, does he have nail fungus, or could he suffer from some strange medical condition that isn’t easily Googled? Are there any doctors out there than can provide some insight into my speculation of Jackson’s health? He definitely doesn’t look healthy and has some sort of scratch on his nose. His extreme plastic surgery and ghostly-white skin, which he claims is due to Vitiligo but is widely thought to be elective skin whitening, have made him look deathly ill for years.

It’s rather amazing that he’s performing again, though, and it seems kind of fitting that he’ll be doing “Thriller.”

Thanks to WWTDD for the header picture.

Update: commentor Nadine notes that she took Cytoxan for breast cancer and that her nails turned purple and then black, not the copper color as seen here. Other commentors mention that his nails have been this color for some time, and that he has tried to cover it up in the past.

Janet Charlton says that Jackson’s nails are that funky color due to the Vitiligo treatment he receives:

With the spotlight on Michael Jackson and his catastrophically reviewed performance on the World Music Awards, closeup photos of his hands are circulating. Observers have exclaimed that his peculiar looking dark, rough fingernails nails indicate that he’s desperately in need of a good manicure. Actually those brown nails are a result of Michael’s vitiligo. Back when Jackson started getting white skin discolorations he had a choice of two treatments. He could use medication to darken the white areas on his skin or use medication to bleach and lighten his brown skin. Usually patients choose to change the color of their spots, but Michael wanted to lighten all his skin to match the white areas. The skin under his nails is discolored, which is a side effect of the process. Only recently did he start showing his hands – he usually keeps them out of sight so he doesn’t SCARE children.

This video is so graphic I’m not posting it here, and you can go on over to Gawker to watch it. This proves that Anna Nicole Smith will stop at nothing to get some cash, because she sold this video for $1 million dollars. I don’t know why I’m surprised, considering that her claim to fame was marrying an 89 year-old guy she met while stripping the afternoon shift.

I’m pretty grateful that this was taped off the television instead of being directly transfered to video, because the added bit of blur gives it that much less of an edge, but it’s still really cringe-worthy. If Danielle was still alive he would be mortified, and this footage is sure to haunt Dannielynn for the rest of her ridiculed life.

Jennifer Lopez’s makeup looks simply awful. That shade of green eyeshadow is hideous and coupled with that bleeding pale-pink lipstick and shiny skin she just looks bad. Wouldn’t you wipe off your face and reapply your own makeup if a colorblind makeup artist did that to you?

Lopez is being sued for $35,000 for not paying for flights she and husband Marc Anthony chartered. Maybe she’s trying to show how poor she is by wearing bad drug store makeup.

She is seen at the Childrens Hospital of Los Angeles 2nd Noche de Ninos Gala on 10/8. [via]

Avril Lavigne was videotaped and photographed spitting at paparrazi while leaving club Hyde last Wednesday after celebrating her birthday with her husband and some friends. That was the second night in a row she spit on photographers outside of Hyde. On Thursday the Lavigne-Whibley family celebrated their third night of paparrazi spitting with Deryck contributing some saliva of his own.

TMZ has the shaky videos. On Avril birthday she’s seen leaving the club, signing autographs and saying “f you” several times to the photographers wishing her happy birthday. She spits when her car is about to pull away, and sticks her foot out of the window. It’s hard to tell what’s going on, and the pictures tell a better story.

The previous night, TMZ reports that Avril called the photographer over by saying “hey f&*@head,” before she spit right in his lens.

Maybe Avril’s apology would seem sincere if it happened once, but two nights in a row followed by her husband spitting too? As she mentions, she’s apologizing for the fans:

She’s outside a nightclub that stars frequent, what does she expect? I used to have a better opinion of Avril, and if she had only done it once on her birthday I might not have cared, but three spits and you’re trash.

Pictures from Alavigne.com.br