Remember the epic divorce settlement Heather Mills got from Paul McCartney? It was around $50 million dollars in cash, property and assets, plus an extremely generous monthly child support check. And remember how Heather made such a big deal about how she was giving so much money to charity and how she could support herself, et cetera? Yeah… not so much. The Daily Mail has an exhaustive report that starts out as a sort of editorial about why people hate Heather (she won’t shut up, she’s a narcissist, she’s a liar, she’s a famewh-re), and then it turned into some kind of hard-hitting expose on how Heather has run through more than half of her divorce settlement already, and how the charities Heather works with are in ruins. Here’s the whole article, and here are the highlights (it’s still pretty long, I apologize):

Heather’s divorce settlement gave her two homes and other assets worth £7.8million, a lump sum of £14 million and a further £35,000 a year to help bring up Bea, her daughter with Sir Paul. Surely this huge sum would be enough for the Tyneside-born former underwear model who was once so poor she stole food just to have enough to eat? Apparently not.

According to friends, Heather, 42, is already complaining that she is running out of money. And when it comes to her charities, astonishingly, she is also pleading poverty.

The charity Heather has always been most associated with is No More Landmines. It was her work with it which first led to her introduction to Sir Paul McCartney at a charity event, and he donated £1 million to it soon after they married.

But, I can reveal, No More Landmines folded eight months ago. The charity, which in 2007 held more than £200,000, reported an income of just £285 last year.

In interviews to publicize herself, Heather says many of her charities have suffered because of her poor public image and the best she can do for them is dissociate herself. However, despite the fact No More Landmines has been wound down, it is still heavily plugged on her website as the charity she is most involved with.

Blaming negative media coverage on GMTV earlier this month, Heather - who bizarrely refers to herself in the plural - said: ‘Well, we were in a situation where our charity was virtually destroyed by all of that. We were the largest landmine-clearing prosthetic charity in the world and it got completely destroyed. I can only fund it so far with all of our other charity commitments. So I had to get out and say: “OK, let’s see how this goes.”‘ Not very well for No More Landmines, it seems.

She offered to provide $1million of vegan food to the charity which works in America’s most poverty stricken urban ghetto. Mills became involved with the New York community group when she befriended its founder Maryann Hedaa at a charity function. When she announced the donation, she was given an honorary congressional award. But the charity is still waiting for much of its money. ‘So far, I would say we have been given about $150,000 in cash and another $200,000 of food products,’ says Maryann. ‘I would say we have been given about a fifth of the money so far.’

But Maryann holds faith in Heather: ‘When she offered to help, everyone warned me not to get involved. They said she does not follow through. But I have to say that so far she has really rolled her sleeves up and got involved. She has been pretty amazing.’

But, by her own account, Heather has struggled to pay for what she has promised. Writing on Twitter in August, she said she was renting out her plush £2.5million New York apartment - where Nicole Kidman and Calvin Klein were neighbours -’to fund free café in the Bronx for kids’, adding ’sad to see it go’.

Heather’s divorce from Sir Paul also showed she had a history for not giving as much to charity as she claimed. During the bitter divorce proceedings, Heather claims she was a millionaire before she met Paul and had always donated 80 to 90 per cent of her earnings to charity. But Mr Justice Bennett, who accused her of being ‘less than candid’ in her evidence, said this appeared to be unlikely.

Heather had been unable to produce records of money sent by her to any charity between 1997 and 2000. He added: ‘Moreover, her tax returns disclose no charitable giving at all.’

His judgment revealed that, although she had promised that her £110,000 Dancing With The Stars fee would go to the animal rights charity Viva!, she actually gave them only £50,000. The reality is that Heather has found more interesting things to spend her money on than charity.

First, there are her homes. Heather got two houses in the divorce settlement. Her main home is a stunning six-bedroom house on Brighton’s millionaire’s row. It was bought for £750,000 in 2001, courtesy of a loan from Sir Paul. It is now worth more than twice as much. She also owns a £3.2 million seven-bedroom house near Paul’s home in Peasmarsh, East Sussex, which was, again, included in the settlement.

From her £14million lump sum, she bought her two-bedroom New York apartment and a £2.4million flat on one of London’s most exclusive roads, The Bishops Avenue, in North London. She recently put the three-bedroom flat back on the market for £3.75million.

Then there is her entourage. Many of Heather’s closest friends have fallen away over the years. All tell the same story - one Sir Paul may recognise. Invariably, Heather is utterly charming at first and her determination in the face of adversity is something to be admired. She is a pro at portraying herself as a do-gooder. But Heather is, undoubtedly, also a fantasist. She is seemingly unable to stop lying - and believing the lies that she tells.

[Meanwhile Heather’s] former hairdresser David Paul is [excoriating]. He started working with her in 2005 and, after she told him she was waiting for Sir Paul to give her a bigger income, David did her hair for free on the understanding that she would pay him when she could. But during the divorce proceedings it emerged she received £350,000 a year from Sir Paul. Plus, he paid all her bills.

David was shocked, as he tells me: ‘I was seduced by her charm. But she was lying to me. I was shocked when I discovered how much money she had coming in when she met me. She hardly paid me anything. What was disturbing to me was that she was pleading poverty at a time when my brother was dying of Aids - and she still lied to my face about not having any money. She has no conscience.’

Many of the friends Heather has left are on her payroll. After winning her divorce settlement, she took 20 of them on a £250,000 holiday to Richard Branson’s Necker Island. Heather’s sister Fiona is the director of many of her companies. Heather’s boyfriend, Jamie Walker, who was a holiday representative, appears to have no other source of income and works as her odd-job man.

She has got rid of her £3,000-a-week security guard, but sports trainer Ben Amigoni is still an almost daily visitor to her house and she has a personal assistant. Beauty therapists and hairdressers are constantly on hand.

Says one acquaintance: ‘Since the trip to Necker, Heather has not made any grand gestures. But there is a drip, drip frittering away of money. A lot goes on flights - she doesn’t get upgraded any more. Hotels are always five star, her houses are always filled with fresh flowers and she has a team of people to support her. I know it sounds ludicrous, but she has started complaining that she doesn’t have enough money - that it is running out. I think Heather thought she would make millions after the split - that she would be the new Larry King with her own chat show. But she is living in a dream world. Heather is a nobody. And that is why she is back in the UK.’

Heather’s biggest expenditure has been her purchase of the successful vegan food company Redwood. Although details of the sale were never released, Redwood’s net worth was £3.1million at the time she bought into it last year. And she already has big expansion plans. At present, although Redwood has a £3million turnover, its profits are pretty modest - in the last accounts they stood at £309,000. Not really a yearly sum that can keep Heather at the rate she is spending.

[From The Daily Mail]

Heather is currently a contestant on Dancing on Ice in the UK, and apparently she’s already promised her winnings to various charities too. She’s also given multiple interviews claiming that she is not, in fact, a gold digging fantasist, but at this point, who believes her? I tend to think that there’s a lot of truth in this report, and I had been wondering who long it would take for Heather to run through her divorce settlement. I’ll tell you something else - money is wasted on Heather. Do you know what I would do with that kind of insane settlement? The mind boggles, for sure, but I would also think it’s really, really tough to spend that much money so fast. You really have to try to spend that money every damn day.

Heather outside the RTE studios in Dublin on January 29, 2010. Credit: WENN.

The Daily Mail had a lengthy interview with Heather Mills over the weekend, most likely to promote her appearance on Britain’s “Dancing on Ice” reality show, which I believe aired last night (Sunday night). I read the interview and decided to cover it because Heather is her usual martyred “there but for the grace of God go I” self, but she actually sounds a little less delusional than usual. Could it be Heather is maturing a tad? She’s got a new boyfriend, you know. She doesn’t talk about him that much in the interview, but I feel for that poor bastard. Here are some of the highlights from the interview (complete piece here):

On competing on “Dancing on Ice” when she‘s already injured herself in rehearsals: “My chiropractor thinks I am completely insane….It was my ribs. My chiropractor examined me, getting a finger under the eighth and ninth ribs and, to his horror, the end of the 11th was jammed between them and had just popped out. He pulled it out, but I was flat on my back for eight days.’ Yeah. Actually, I’d fractured another rib too.”

On her pain tolerance: “I think, after losing my leg, puncturing my lung, crushing my pelvis and splitting my head open [in a road accident in 1993, when she was knocked down by a police motorcycle answering an emergency call], I have a very high tolerance to pain. I have metal plates in my pelvis, which I’d already snapped after giving birth to Beatrice [in 2003], but a bad fall shifted the pelvis out of place, so I had a week on my back and then I could skate again. The ribs weren’t going to stop me either. I just took arnica [a herbal remedy used for pain relief] and got straight back into training as soon as I could.’

On her competitive streak: “With every sport I’ve ever tried, there have been amputees who’ve done it before me, from whom I could take advice. In skiing, for instance, there are people I could talk to about the best legs to use, or the correct alignment. With ice-skating, though, I couldn’t find anyone - which made me even more determined to have a shot myself.”

Why she’s going to suck at ice-skating: “The ankle on my leg can’t bend, so when you try it you just go flying. I had to work out a compromise, though it still means I fall 50 per cent of the time - but I’m fine with that. I’ll probably be the worst skater there, but at least I’ll have given it a whirl. And, obviously, if I get really injured I will bow out.”

Why Heather knows she’s a saint: “I have counseled people from around the world who have lost limbs. I want to show them that they don’t have to limit their choices in life. [I want to inspire those] who might be sitting staring at the telly, afraid to go out and face the world, never mind do anything more challenging.”

On how criticizing Heather equals stupidity: “We shall see just how dumbed down the nation has become, whether they have been able to see through all the negative press about me.”

More Saint Heather stuff: “I speak from the heart and I’m not afraid to get my campaigns noticed by telling it like it is.”

On her relationship to her ex-husband, Paul McCartney: “[We] have worked it out. Everything is amicable. We handle it because we have to. We talk about Beatrice; we go to school plays together. These things are never easy, but we’ve done a great job of keeping Beatrice in a bubble. She does get upset when we get hounded by the press, though. Once, at Heathrow Airport, she went up to one photographer and said, ‘Do you know how disgusting you are upsetting a young child like me?’”

On having a boyfriend, a “former DJ” named Jamie Walker, for 19 months: “I was totally open to it. I stayed single for two years because I didn’t want to bring anyone into my mess.” She won’t talk at length about Jamie Walker, a former DJ, saying she respects his privacy and wants to protect him. All she will say is, “I’m really happy and I don’t want to jinx it.”

On the f-word… “F” for “fantasist”: “Do you know where that word first came from? It was from my mum’s old boyfriend, who was paid to say that about me. It was all lies. I didn’t make up stuff about my childhood. My brother and sister know the truth. If anything, I played it down.”

Is she a golddigger? “It was easy for the media to describe me as a gold-digger, but this is so far removed from who I really am.”

[From The Daily Mail]

For me, the best part was this quote: “We shall see just how dumbed down the nation has become, whether they have been able to see through all the negative press about me.” Where to start with that one, eh? So, only dumb people think Heather is a crazy gold digging liar, while only smart people will accept every word that comes out of Heather’s mouth as the gospel? Or how about this - Heather is appearing on a dumb reality show in which she’s going to attempt to ice skate with her prosthetic leg, all because she wants to see how dumb or smart the British people are? Ugh. Here’s the thing - if Heather were really doing all of this stuff as a way to encourage and inspire other amputees, I would think she was wonderful. But she just likes attention, she likes to put on the martyr act, she loves when people call her names because then she gets to play the victim.

Promotional images of Heather Mills for “Dancing on Ice” courtesy of The London Evening Standard and The Metro.

Paul McCartney, 67, was asked to name his top mistake of the past decade, and when an interviewer brought up his high profile marriage to sociopath Heather Mills he didn’t disagree that it had been a huge mistake. He didn’t exactly dwell on it either though. McCartney had to pay for his mistake, but he says he got “a beautiful daughter out of it” so it’s all good:

SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY has branded his marriage to HEATHER MILLS one of the worst mistakes of his life.

The Beatles legend wed the former glamour model in 2002, but the couple separated in 2006, leading to an ugly public divorce battle.

The union was officially dissolved in 2008 and the veteran musician was forced to hand over $38.9 million (£24.3 million) of his fortune, as well as annual payments for the former couple’s young daughter, Beatrice.

In a new interview with Britain’s Q magazine, MCCartney was asked if getting married again was his greatest error of the last decade and he replied: “OK, yeah. I suppose that has to be the prime contender.”

He adds, “These things happen. I tend to look at the positive side, which is that I have another beautiful daughter out of it.”

[From Contact Music]

I love Paul McCartney and he has such a great attitude. Sir Paul appeared on The Late Show in July and I found him both funny and fascinating. The guy knows he’s a legend but he’s neither full of himself or especially humble. He carries himself with a kind of matter-of-fact grace that doesn’t take his fame too seriously. McCartney has his detractors, but I don’t know how he could have handled himself better during his high profile divorce. His ex wife threw a pitcher of water on his lawyer in court and he stayed quiet about it, smiling slightly as he left the courtroom with his dignified barrister with soaking wet hair. Maybe he was happy because Heather’s temper ended up saving him tens of millions of dollars.

Paul recently talked to the European Parliament about the effect of meat consumption on the environment. He urges people to go vegetarian once a week to help combat global warming. I know I’ve cut back my family’s meat consumption since I learned about how much resources it takes to produce.

Heather Mills, a former US “Dancing With The Stars” contestant and the generally despised ex wife of Paul McCartney, is reportedly set to appear on the UK reality show “Dancing on Ice.” Mills is a scary, deceitful, self-absorbed person by most accounts and judging from her behavior and interviews. She is also involved in several charities and is an amputee. She’ll get some rightful accolades for being brave enough to enter an ice skating competition with a prosthetic limb, just as she did for her stint on “Dancing.” She’s sure to relish the attention as she always does:

Heather Mills will star in the next series of Dancing on Ice, according to insiders on the ITV reality show.

The 45-year-old has apparently ordered a range of prosthetic legs to get practicing with a professional skater before the programme’s official rehearsals start at the end of the year.

The insider revealed: “Heather has often been linked with Dancing On Ice but this year she’s finally decided to do it.

“In typical Heather fashion, she is convinced she’ll be a huge attraction.

“She knows she divides people but there’s never a dull moment with her. Whatever people say about her, she’s certainly entertaining.”

The ex-wife of Paul McCartney is rumoured to be starring alongside former England goalkeeper Peter Shilton and Simon Cowell’s ex girlfriend and X Factor mentor Sinitta.

As usual, it will be presented by Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby when it returns to our screeens in January.

[From Mirror.co.uk]

The UK doesn’t have much patience for this woman because they’re more familiar with her antics. “Dancing on Ice” is scored much like “Dancing With The Stars” in that both the judge’s scores and the public vote counts toward keeping contestants on the show. Maybe Heather will be off the show within a week or two, owing to the public’s lack of good will toward her, or maybe she’ll surprise us and will last much longer. She does deserve some credit for putting herself out there and trying to skate as an amputee. For everything you can say about this woman, she’s definitely not shy. She’s also not going away.

Along with this rumored stint on “Dancing on Ice,” Heather has reportedly signed up to film an episode of another reality competition show with Katie Price aka Jordan. The two will compete in some kind of contest while on the rides at an amusement park. The show, called “Scream If You Know The Answer!”, will air on UKTV and is hosted by Duncan James of the group Blue. James will “give the stars a string of task during a daring day out at Surrey’s Thorpe Park.” My money is on Mills if there’s any kind of trivia involved.

Heather is shown on 8/27/08. Credit: WENN.com

In a way, I owe Heather Mills a debt of gratitude. Every single time I read or write a story, she gives me so many reasons to know I’m superior to her, and that’s nice. I mean yeah it’s good to have self-esteem for its own sake, but hey, if you feel better because you’re reminded of how much someone else sucks, what’s the harm? I’m going to keep telling myself that. So today in clueless Heather Mills news, we have a fashion show. Heather manages to consistently have no understanding why everyone hates her and why they all dislike her baseless smug sense of superiority. Well Heather, I’m here to enlighten you!

Your clothes suck!

Okay, that’s about all I need to say. Really, the pictures do the job beautiful for me. Heather, you see, is a militant vegan. Now before you jump down my throat for that phrase, let me clarify that I am not calling all vegans inherently militant. Just Heather so far. There are all different levels of green living, but Heather is just a step or two away from the eco-terrorist spot. As far as I know she hasn’t set fire to any planned communities or McMansions yet, but I’m still hoping the government is keeping close tabs on her. However since she hasn’t reached that level yet, Heather’s just decided to terrorize us with her horrible, painful, awful, deplorable [whatever other pejorative you’d like to stick in] fashion designs of recycled textiles. All to help animals. Who, by the way, told me they’d prefer it if someone better helped the out. Thanks.

She’s on a one-woman mission to change the world, but Heather Mills may have gone too far with her latest venture. The infamous vegan and animal rights campaigner has just released a new fashion line of recycled and re-modelled pieces. But far from converting people to her cause, the bizarre looking clothes could drive them back into the arms of big business. Instead of producing a wearable covetable collection, Ms Mills’ range, called Be@one, looks more like the fancy dress found at the back of a charity shop.

A fuchsia pink corset dress with garish ruffles would look at home at a children’s party rather than a cocktail party. While a pair of ‘high-waisted trousers for the office’ are more suited to a clown’s day job, not your normal office job. Heather debuted her new collection at the Celebrity Catwalk event in Hollywood last night. The annual star-studded evening sees a number of celebrities give up their time and talents, and take to the catwalk to raise funds and awareness of animal rights. Heather, 41, also collected an award at the event for animal activism. The ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney chose to launch Be@one at the event, but it’s not yet known how Hollywood’s greatest interpreted the collection.

On her website, Heather describes the restyled clothes as ‘inspirational’. ‘Society throws away over a million tones of clothing and textiles into the rubbish bins annually. Many of these items could be resold or remade into something new and exciting,’ she writes. ‘The collection consists of women’s and menswear, designed for the assertive, fashionable and eco-conscious person. All the fabrics used in the pieces have been carefully sourced and remodeled into something unique and highly wearable.’

Although her definition of ‘highly wearable’ seems odd when you actually see the clothes themselves. In addition to the garish corset dress and clown trousers, Heather has designed a recycled white lace evening gown, which looks more like a bedraggled wedding dress. She’s also turned out a figure-frumping black knee-length jumpsuit, which is slashed from thigh to knee. Not to mention a purple skirt/black top combo which can only be described as Frankenstein-inspired.

Eager to inflict her curious brand of fashion onto the public, Heather says there will be two collections a year from Be@one. But judging from the first outing, we’re not sure there will be a great deal of fans clamouring for a second onslaught.

[From the Daily Mail]

Hmm… I actually like the idea of this. Our society on the whole is far too quick to toss things. We buy everything super cheap, then it breaks, then we replace it with another super cheap version, which then breaks, and we keep on replacing it, forever in this cycle that’s terrible for the planet. Instead, why not invest in a decent, well-made item to begin with?

And no one mends their clothes anymore. Again, because everything’s so cheap, why not just buy another? People only put the effort into fixing something when it cost more to begin with. Sometimes I really hate it, but I do agree with Heather. But that doesn’t make me like her anymore. In fact it makes me hate her even more, because I feel like a hypocrite, just because she’s involved with it. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: whatever your cause, Heather Mills is the last person you want promoting it. Think of the most reviled people in the world. Let’s say there 300. Heather’s probably at 263. Not number one, but she’s on the list. Do you really want her telling people to eat your bean burgers? Just a word of advice to the animal charities out there.

The Daily Mail did a pretty good job of explaining why the clothes suck. I can’t really expound on it anymore. Your eyes work, you can see. Even if you’re not a fashionista it obviously jumps off the page and down your throat. More reasons why we hate you Heather.

Today’s multiple-choice question: Heather Mills is: A) delusional B) crazy C) a stalker D) a megalomaniacal narcissist E) a horrible mother F) a whiner G) all of the above. If you chose G, congratulations, you’re reading yet another story about Heather Mills’ insanity. Just in the past few months we’ve gotten to hear Heather: complain about her $33.6 million divorce settlement (“we earned it together, I worked my butt off doing the tours and everything”); wishing karmic cancer on her enemies; and making sure everyone knows Paul McCartney’s youngest listens to the Beach Boys, not the Beatles.

Heather’s latest is two-fold. First, it seems Heather might be stalking her ex-husband, Paul and his new girlfriend Nancy Shevell. Sources tell the Daily Mail that Paul is “annoyed” because Heather keeps showing up at events that Paul and Nancy are already attending, and because Paul thinks Heather is “treading on his turf” with the whole vegan-restaurant thing. And don’t even get me started on the vegan-brainwashing Heather’s pulling on Beatrice:

Despite their acrimonious divorce, Heather Mills can’t keep away from Sir Paul McCartney. The former model has infuriated Sir Paul, 67, by jetting to the Hamptons where he is on holiday with his American girlfriend Nancy Shevell, 47.

‘Heather turned up at some big social functions which annoyed Paul,’ says a source.

The former Beatle is also said to be irritated that Heather is ‘treading on his turf’ by wanting to open a vegetarian restaurant in New York while he is promoting ‘Meat-Free Monday’ in the US.

Since her divorce, selfless Heather has become a full-time animal rights campaigner, tireless in her devotion to the cause. She has opened a vegan cafe, VBites, in East Sussex and even turned her five-year-old daughter with Sir Paul into a mini campaigner.

In an interview with ES magazine she explained how Beatrice had tried to convert fellow guests to veganism on a recent holiday to the south of France.

‘Beatrice questions everybody who eats animals,’ Heather revealed.

‘When we were in the south of France, there was a buffet for kids, and by the end of the week no one would sit near us because she would go over and say, “Why are you eating that cow’s bottom?” or “Oh, look at that little shrimp with little eyes.”‘

[From the Daily Mail]

I realize that vegetarianism and veganism can be perfectly healthy and great alternatives to the omnivore lifestyle/choice. And given that both of Beatrice’s parents don’t eat meat, the chances were pretty good that little Bea wasn’t going to ever have a very meaty diet at any point in her life, even if Heather wasn’t so crazy and she and Paul had stayed together. What bothers me is the brainwashing of this child. Does Heather not want Bea to choose veganism or vegetarianism for herself? And does Heather have to take such pride in raising a child who accosts strangers about eating meat? It’s not cute, it’s not sassy, it’s just rude and unpleasant. It pains me to think that Bea is turning into her mother. But Bea is still young. When she rebels against her mom, it’s going to be with steak tartare and Abbey Road.

Heather Mills is shown out in Soho, NY on 7/30/09. Credit: CWNY/Fame Pictures

A “Heather Mills is a bitch” story always makes my day a little better. Mostly, I love these stories because I know that in Heather’s mind, she’s always a saint, an icon of generosity, honesty, humanity, and all that is good in the world. I’m sure in Heather’s mind, she’s never done anything wrong - she is always the victim, trod-upon, yet tough and resilient, able to overcome what turns out to be her personality disorder.

Over the weekend, Heather attended a polo match in Bridgehampton, and she decided to tell People Magazine all about her daughter with Paul McCartney, five-year-old Beatrice. Some of what Heather says is really cute - Beatrice is a good dancer, and all of the kids at Beatrice’s summer camp try to copy her little English accent. But Heather also dropped the word that Beatrice’s favorite album is the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds. Gah! Beatrice doesn’t even get to listen to her dad’s band. Well, we don’t know that for sure. Pet Sounds is a good album. But I’d rather listen to The White Album.

She may be the youngest Beatle scion at age 5, but Paul McCartney’s daughter Beatrice enjoys grooving to another legendary 1960s rock band.

“She likes the Beach Boys,” Beatrice’s mother, Heather Mills, told PEOPLE at a polo event Saturday in Bridgehampton, N.Y. Her favorite song to sing? “God Only Knows” from Pet Sounds, the classic Beach Boys album that traditionally dukes it out with the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper for the title of greatest album ever.

“She’s always been into music. It’s innate,” Mills said. “And she’s a great dancer.”

Beatrice has been enjoying a nice holiday in the Hamptons, says her mother, and getting a chance to mingle with other kids. “She tried a day at summer camp,” Mills said. “All the kids were copying her English accent, which was quite funny.”

Mills, 41, who was divorced from Paul McCartney in 2008, was in Bridgehampton for the Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge at Blue Star Jets Field. While in the Hamptons, she’s also doing some promotion for a new vegan product line of hers.

“Even at lunch today, at the Southampton Beach Club, the people sitting next to me were having cow’s milk,” she said. “So I said, try soya. It’s better for you. And I brought them a little care packet.”

[From People]

Oh. My. God. Heather “brought them a little care packet”! She’s so considerate, isn’t she? So benevolent! Heather continued her little soliloquy saying, “The people were so grateful that I gave them the splendiferous gift of soy milk - from my own teats, mind you, which I wrapped up in recycled birthday paper with a soy bow - that they told me what everyone always tells me, that I will win a Nobel Peace Prize one day, because everybody tells me I deserve it.” And then Heather farted, and it smelled like honeysuckle. “Pardon me,” Heather said, embarrassed, yet resilient.

Here’s Heather and Beatrice working together to put the finishing touches to her new Vegan café on June 27th. Images thanks to BauerGriffinOnline.

Heather Mills has the army of justice on her side. She has Honor and Truth and other noble things you must Capitalize. Because she is Heather Mills, and no one is more righteous. Unfortunately she’s been the constant victim of the vicious British press, which forces people to hate Heather. How? Through writing nasty things about her – which have not once ever been even a teeny tiny bit true – and mind control. Flat out. Luckily because Heather is so righteous, she also has karma on her side, and she’s comforted by the fact – yes, pretty much a fact – that those who write bad things about her will get cancer and die.

Heather Mills has warned that karma comes back to haunt journalists who publish “lies” about her personal life.

The former glamour model, who is a long-time critic of the British press, claimed that justice has always been served against her enemies in the media.

Speaking to The Observer, she insisted: “The truth always outs in the end - no-one gets away with those things.

“Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they’ve got cancer, or they’ve had a tumour, or they’ve died. And it’s terrible for them, but they’ve done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round.”

Mills added that she often relies on the Press Complaints Commission to clear her name when stories upset her.

She commented: “It took me two years. But I’ve won all my cases.”

In April this year, the charity campaigner vowed to continue her battles against the media, explaining: “I plan to clear the internet so my daughter doesn’t read all the lies when she’s 12.”

[From Digital Spy]

Hm, I wonder what kind of person it makes you when you’re wishing cancer, tumors, and death on people? You know what else would make them not write horrible things about you Heather? Not doing horrible things or being a horrible person. That helps a lot, and then you don’t even have to go to the trouble of wishing plagues and boils on them or anything. Saves everyone some time.

One of the great and horrible things about the internet is that once something’s on there, you can never get rid of it completely. There’s always some cached page. So Heather ridding the internet of all the “lies” printed about her is about as useful as trying to ban boobs from the web. It just isn’t gonna happen.

Wonder when karma’s gonna get Heather?

Thanks to Carboangel for the tip!

Here’s Heather leaving the ‘This Morning’ studios after appearing on the show to demonstrate her cooking skills and recipes on July 14th in London. Images thanks to INF Photo.

Hand to God, the fourth boy I ever kissed in my life had the exact same hair as Heather Mills. His name was Aaron, he was a cool skater boy, and he had the same long-in-front, swooped ‘do, and he even bleached it that same straw-yellow/near-white color. He had the same gross-looking roots too. We made out underneath a blanket on a friend’s couch, and I let him go to second base as we listened to dialogue from The Shining. I was fourteen. That’s my excuse. What Heather’s excuse for that hair? It reminds me a little of old-school Annie Lennox, but Heather isn’t cool enough to even hold Annie’s coat.

Anyway, these are photos from Heather’s triumphant return to the spotlight - her new vegan restaurant V-Bites. Last week, we saw Heather Mills in shockingly clean overalls as she pretended to “paint” V-Bites, so I guess all of those months of renovating the place paid off. This place was originally a fish joint. Heather bought it, fired everyone and told them never to come back, ever, and spent several months renovating the place to her specifications. Way to win over the neighborhood, Heather:

Heather Mills went fishing for attention today by risking life and limb to climb up on the roof of her controversial new vegan café - which replaces a popular seafood restaurant.

Despite her famous disability - she has a prosthetic leg after being hit by a motorcycle - she scaled a ladder to stand on top of the art deco building.

The animal rights campaigner provoked outrage among residents in her home town of Hove, East Sussex, when she snapped up the popular Big Fish café for £140,000 only to reveal she was taking fish off the menu.

Ms Mills, who clinched a £24million settlement in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney last year, also laid off the Big Fish staff and told them they would not be re-employed when the renovated café reopened.

Up on the roof of her café … Ms Mills leant against the neon V-Bites sign and addressed the crowd who had turned out for her all-day opening party.

The former glamour model, 41, who has spent months refurbishing the former fish bar, recruited a DJ and Glenn Miller-style band for today’s launch.

Wearing chef’s whites decorated with the V-Bites logo, Ms Mills said: ‘My vision was to create a place for all the community to enjoy. I am very excited about the future and look forward to inviting everybody to Hove Lagoon this summer.’

The restaurant will serve recipes created by Heather, including bangers and mash, chicken-style nut korma, salads, English breakfast, and Pad Thai served with rice noodles.

Ms Mills’s ambitions will not be satisfied with her Hove restaurant. She hopes to turn V-Bites into a chain of outlets to challenge burger bars worldwide.

[From The Daily Mail]

Bless her heart, I suppose. At least she’s not creating more of a ruckus. I think firing all of the original employees must have soothed her for several months. She’s probably due for another mass-firing soon. I really think that’s what she’s going to do from now on - she’ll buy a small business, fire everyone, redo the business, spend millions of dollars, then run that business into the ground. Rinse and repeat. Hopefully at some point in that grueling schedule she can get her roots done.

Photo credit: WENN.com

I never give Heather Mills credit for anything. Not one thing. She has literally donated millions of dollars to hungry kids, and I still hate every single thing about her. But if I had to give her credit for something – aside from the feeding hungry kids (vegan food, but still), she’s either really putting her heart and soul into her new vegan restaurant or she knows a good picture op when she sees one. I’ll let you guess which one I’m going with.

Heather was photographed in painter’s overalls on Saturday working away on the restaurant, which she hopes to open next month. There were also plenty of snaps of her ordering other people around, but she seems to actually be putting some muscle into it. She’s also continuing to save the world, one vegan burger at a time.

An animal rights activist, charity campaigner and advocate for amputees, Heather Mills has rarely shied away from hard work. The former model abandoned her glamorous background again today to put on overalls and a cap to paint and scrub the newly whitewashed walls of her vegan cafe V-Bites in Brighton.

A small army of friends and Heather’s young daughter Beatrice helped out on the renovations, but the 41-year-old appeared to be doing the bulk of the work as she rushed around with pots of paint, brushes and rollers. She is hoping the cafe will open next month, and plans to cook on Sundays, serving up her specialty of roast - but of course minus the beef.

The animal rights campaigner is a vegan - someone who’s strictly against eating any animal or dairy products - and has established a range of vegetarian food products which still bear her name. Sir Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, who clinched £24million in the divorce, bought the former Big Fish Cafe for £140,000 earlier this year.

Heather is determined to change people’s perceptions of vegan food. ‘They just think that it’s boring nut roasts and lots of hippy people who they think haven’t washed for months but they do, but that’s not what being vegan is about,’ she told an audience at last month’s Brighton Foodies Festival in East Sussex.

‘It’s about being animal friendly, saving the environment and the planet. The biggest contributor of global warming is the consumption of meat and dairy, but of course they are not going to tell you that.’ Heather cooked dishes such as a leafy green and beefy stir fry (no beef, soy bean patty instead) and creamy sweetcorn chowder.

[From the Daily Mail via Gossip Rocks]

The chowder sounds okay, I’ll give her that. But that leafy green soy bean patty stir fry I could probably do without. Heather had a lot of protest when she first bought the restaurant, which was a much beloved local fish shack that had been around for ages. Depriving Brits of fish and chips is a dangerous gamble indeed, especially when you’re replacing them with soy nuggets.

Not surprisingly, Heather is stubbornly sticking to her plan, and it’ll be interesting to see how it turns out. She’s an immensely unpopular woman in Brittan, serving fairly unpopular food. Now if somehow her recipes are unique and particularly good, she could still end up doing alright. I have a few vegan friends, and they don’t have a lot of decent dining out options. I’ve learned vegans will go to a lot of trouble to have a decent, exciting meal every so often. They will possibly even overlook Heather Mills. Though they’re known as a highly principled, ethical sort, so probably not.

Images thanks to WENN.com .