This might be my favorite story of the day! In celebration of college… basketball? Right? Something involving sports and brackets and such, Esquire Magazine is doing a bracket-system battle royale for the “Sexiest Woman Alive”. One of the brackets is Megan Fox versus Dame Helen Mirren. You’d think with Esquire’s readership (men, dudes and douches) that Megan would be coming out ahead in a landslide, right? Not so much. It looks like some dudes with taste are actually voting online, and Helen Mirren is giving Megan a run for it. I just voted (at Esquire’s online poll here), and Mirren was sitting pretty at 61%. YES!

Esquire even put up this “interview” with Helen, and… I think I might be an idiot. Because I really can’t tell if this is a real interview or if someone at Esquire was making a funny. Can somebody help me out?

Near the halfway point of first-round play, top-seeded Megan Fox trails the streaking en fuego Helen Mirren, who’s clearly out to show that her automatic bid as the Big 60 conference champion was no fluke. The game is far from over for Fox. She made a last-minute push over the weekend (perhaps when voters went back to look at some of her old game footage, or just because she’s a fox) and has narrowed the gap to a slightly more manageable 39 percent to 61 percent. (She had been trailing by as much as forty percentage points.) Mirren, however, remains cautiously humble — and as poised as her championship team in 1980. We caught up with her briefly on her way to the locker room.

ESQUIRE: Were you surprised to be doing this well?
DAME HELEN MIRREN: I was surprised and flattered to be included at all. Personally I think Ms. Fox is one of the smartest, coolest, and sexiest creatures in the Western Hemisphere. I am gobsmacked.

ESQ: Are you upset that the selection committee only gave you a 16 seed?
HM: Well, I don’t quite know what that means, so I guess I don’t mind.

ESQ: Does veteran experience help in a tournament like this?
HM: Sometimes the veterans have a way of surprising you — think Brett Favre.

ESQ: If you win, do you have any words of consolation for your opponent?
HM: If I win — big if — I would say to Megan, “You actually still are one of the smartest, coolest, and sexiest creatures in the Western Hemisphere.”

ESQ: Do you think it’s your free-throw percentage that’s gotten you this far?
HM: It is more the fouls that I have gotten away with.

[From Esquire]

Is this fake? Did Helen really call Megan “one of the smartest, coolest, and sexiest creatures in the Western Hemisphere”? Is she did, that quote might be worse than all of Helen’s crap about women and rape. But I think it might be a fake interview. And I hate myself for not knowing.

Anyway, I’m thrilled that Mirren is beating out Megan in this or any battle. Helen’s got the better talent, the better attitude, the better boobs, and the better career. Plus, she’s just sexy as hell. Megan wishes. Vote early and vote often, people!

I love Helen Mirren, but only when I can stand back and appreciate her extraordinary talent, and I don’t have to listen to some of the crazy things she says. Like when she said that women can’t take a man to court for raping them, or that locking a woman in a closet and forcing her to have sex isn’t rape, or that female jurors won’t convict a man of rape because of sexual jealousy. Mirren is a little batty in real life, so she’s one of those people I try not to read about. But this recent interview got me – Mirren thinks that she has no judgment for women who go through plastic surgery, because she completely understands that someone could look at themselves and say “’I don’t want to look at that face anymore.” Hmm…

Helen Mirren might not opt to go under the knife herself, but she doesn’t judge her Hollywood cohorts for getting plastic surgery.

“You go, ‘I don’t want to look at that face anymore,’ and I understand that, absolutely,” the actress told British morning show GMTV.

The 64-year-old star added, “I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want to make themselves feel happy.”

One thing about her body — which she flaunted in a red bikini back in 2008 — she doesn’t like is a tattoo she got when she was just a teen.

“I was very, very drunk,” she said recently. “It was a very, very long time ago, when only sailors and Hell’s Angels were tattooed, honestly, and prisoners. I decided to get a tattoo because it was the most shocking thing I could think of doing.”

Although she said she’s now “utterly disgusted” by the body art, the Queen star braved a thorough, full-body examination by Madame Tussauds wax museum.

“To be measured by calipers, every inch of you, it’s a bit intimidating,” she told GMTV of the process to create a wax figurine in her likeness, which is set to debut in April. “Every inch of you gets measured!”

[From Us Weekly]

In theory, I kind of agree with the whole “live and let live” thing for plastic surgery. I said, in theory! In practice I know I do get judgy. It offends me when a beautiful woman ruins their face with some jacked up procedure. It offends me when one of those women suddenly reappears with a new face and acts like nothing happened. It offends me when those actresses deny their plastic surgery.

By the way, I still don’t like this dress Mirren wore to the SAGs, and I can’t believe so many of you liked it! To me, it looks so cheap, and it ages her terribly.

Helen Mirren and her husband Taylor Hackford at the SAGs on January 23, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Helen Mirren is out promoting her latest film, Love Ranch, where she plays the owner of Nevada’s first lawful brothel. Mirren had no problems playing the character, because she’s all for legalized brothels. Mirren is all about protecting prostitutes and ending human trafficking. In Mirren’s words, “You are never going to get rid of prostitution so you might as well make it as safe as possible.” Amen, Dame Helen. She’s not just paying some lip service, either. She even visited the Mustang Ranch (a famous brothel) in Nevada to research her role. Honestly, I would prefer to see a movie about “Helen Mirren goes to a real brothel” than “Helen Mirren plays a brothel owner”, but I’ll make due with Love Ranch:

Helen Mirren has called for brothels to be legalised after spending a night with hookers at a notorious bordello. The Queen star Mirren goes from monarch to madam to play a raunchy brothel boss in her latest film.

And the 62-year-old Dame visited the infamous Mustang Ranch in Nevada to learn more about the vice trade. The star, who played a call girl in 1980 Brit movie Hussy, said: “I researched the whole notion of a brothel and went to a legal brothel in Nevada.”

“I loved the girls and the madam was wonderful – she became our advisor. She was invaluable – a wonderful woman. I am a complete believer in legal brothels. The girls are protected and free and it takes out that horrible situation of pimps and drugs.”

“Also the men who go there know the girls are medically checked and it is very carefully controlled – everyone is in a safe environment. I don’t think you are ever going to get rid of prostitution so you might as well make it as safe as possible.”

Her comments can be revealed just days after the star caused controversy by suggesting some date rapists should not be prosecuted.

Mirren plays Grace Botempo in Love Ranch alongside Goodfellas star Joe Pesci. The thriller is based on the real-life story of Joe and Sally Conforte, who opened the Mustang Ranch, Nevada’s first legal bordello, in the 1970s.

In 1976 boxer Oscar Bonavena was shot dead, allegedly over his affair with Sally.

One of Mirren’s main reasons for taking the gritty role is that the film is directed and produced by her husband, Oscar-winner Taylor Hackford.

[From The Sunday Mail]

I never would have thought to put Joe Pesci and Helen Mirren together as a married couple, but it makes some sort of sense. I bet they had a great time working together, and it sounds like an interesting movie.

It should be noted that Dame Helen is taking a stand for legalized brothels, not necessarily legalized prostitution across the board. This is much like what Nevada has – legalized prostitution is limited to licensed brothels, but all other forms are outlawed (like street-walking and escort services). Except in Nevada, legalized prostitution goes county by county, it’s not a state ordinance. With a spokesperson like Helen Mirren, do you think the cause of legalized brothels will gain some traction?

Here’s Helen Mirren at the State Of Play – UK film in London on April 21st. Images thanks to WENN.com .

I don’t really get Helen Mirren. In many interviews, she comes across as thoughtful, intelligent and refreshingly candid. Sometimes, though, she talks a little too much and reveals some deep-seated issues that she seems both unable to work through and keep quiet about.

In September Mirren told an interviewer that she was date raped “a couple of times” as a young woman. She made controversial statements in that interview including a much-talked about claim that victims of date rape couldn’t take men to court for it “under those circumstances.” I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, like she was saying the system was broken and not that victims weren’t entitled to justice, but she also claimed that she didn’t think Mike Tyson was a rapist. In 1991 Tyson was convicted of raping an 18 year-old beauty pageant contestant that had gone to his hotel room. He served three years out of a six year sentence.

Helen tried to do some damage control after that interview came out. She issued a statement that she didn’t retract any of her statements or dispute that she said that, but asked people to read the whole interview before jumping to conclusions.

Instead of doing the wise thing and not talking about an issue that’s understandably troubling to her and about which she holds opinions that many people find offensive, Mirren has opened that can of worms again. She told an interviewer for the Sunday Times that women on juries in date rape cases would generally side for the woman because they’re “sexually jealous” and think she was “asking for it.” She launched into this strange diatribe right after talking about how she’s wary of female journalists and think they have it in for other women:

“No, it’s more that I prefer male journalists because there’s a streak of female journalism — the bitches — who are mean-spirited and nasty because you are another woman and want to make you feel crap. It’s very upsetting. I’m more careful when I’m being interviewed by a woman because, from experience as well as reading articles about other women, I know there is a little stiletto knife hidden behind the back.”

She’s laughing as she sizes me up. But she’s right. On the whole, women don’t like other women, because women are competitive with each other. She says: “In a rape case the courts in defence of a man would select as many women as they could for the jury, because women go against women. Whether in a deep-seated animalistic way, going back billions of years, or from a sense of tribal jealousy or just antagonism, I don’t know. But other women on a rape case would say she was asking for it. The only reason I can think of is that they’re sexually jealous.”

We’ve gone from talk of loving women to hating women in just a few seconds. We talk about jurors in rape cases saying the victim “asked for it”. “Yes. That is terribly unfair. And that used to happen, didn’t it, in those days.” She says this with concern, perhaps even empathy.

She has said in the past that when she was forced to have sex against her will it was the lethal result of a combination of feminism — not wanting to be a victim — and innocence — not knowing how not to be a victim. She has said that it wasn’t about just saying no, because the man wouldn’t take no for an answer. When you see Mirren as vulnerable, it skews your judgment of her and you understand all those layers of confidence that have appeared over the years and how they could be torn away very quickly.

Did she learn to be more confrontational? “No, I am not confrontational at all. I met a great guy, then another great guy, and had a series of fantastic relationships with nice men.” And that healed her. “Until that point I was thinking men were horrible; they were boring, boorish, vulgar, selfish and arrogant. Then I met a guy who was funny and lovely to me and I loved him. That was Ken, my first boyfriend. I learnt from wonderful men, wonderful relationships. They gave me support, made me feel good and made me laugh. Now I think men are absolutely great.”

She’s quick to agree that her early antipathy towards men is because she went to an all-girls school. “Absolutely. I don’t blame it. But I was 18, suddenly in London, and I’d never been out past 11 at night before. I never thought, ‘I will never have sex till I get married,’ because I never wanted to get married. So sex was on the cards, but I wanted it to be incredibly romantic. I decided it had to be snowing.” And was it? “No, of course not. It was probably a disgusting rainy night, but I can’t remember.” Was it with some random boy? “Yes.” Did you ever see him again? “I don’t want to talk about that. Sorry.”

Suddenly the air is thick with imaginary needles of pain. What did she learn from that experience? “I didn’t learn anything. I learn from the positive, not from the negative, but I do believe in getting on with it. Taking responsibility for yourself and not blaming other people is an incredibly important thing.”

[From Timesonline.co.uk]

Reading what she said in context, you can see that she’s still in a lot of emotional turmoil over what happened to her and is making sense of it by focusing on what she can control by demonizing other women. You can’t tell someone to “get over” a terrible experience like that, and you can’t reason with them that it’s illogical and self-defeating to blame people who had nothing to do with it, but she should really learn not to talk about it to journalists. It’s just something that she’s still dealing with and isn’t ready to share.

The Daily Mail quotes British Labour politician Vera Baird as refuting Mirren’s assertion that any side in a UK case can influence jury selection, and says “This is just such an ignorant thing to say, to suggest that the defence or prosecution have any involvement in the selection of a jury.”

Helen Mirren is shown out in London on 10/11/08. Credit: Bauergriffinonline

British commedian Russell Brand is getting ready to start filming an adaptation of The Tempest with Helen Mirren, and he’s very excited about it. Brand, who likes the ladies, has announced his desire to get into Mirren’s garb during shooting.

Russ will star alongside Dame Helen, who won an Oscar for her royal role, in a new film version of Shakespeare’s The Tempest.

Rampant Russell, set to play jester Trinculo, confessed his saucy plan to us at our Pride of Britain Awards.

He said of Helen, infamous for getting her kit off for the camera: “She is so hot. There’s something about her that drives me wild.

“She’s so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form.

“They’re going to have to hold me back when we start work. I’ll be all over her. I don’t know how I’ll get any work done.”

[From The Mirror]

Russell Brand is a randy chap. He’s admitted to sex addiction, and has hooked up with women he’s worked with a number of times He made Britney Spears giggle like a school girl in their promos for the MTV Awards with his overt flirting, but Dame Helen Mirren is no Britney Spears and he’s got her giggling, too.

The 63-year-old actress was flattered by Russell’s recent flirtatious praise for her and has returned the compliment.

She said: “I heard he fancies me. I fancy Russell too.

“I mean, who can resist a man who looks so good in tight trousers. He’s absolutely lovely.”

[From FemaleFirst]

According to Mirren, she’s used to the attention, though. She says she has admirers all the time, and that they keep getting younger. I don’t doubt it, the woman is unbelievable in a bikini and she’s 63-years old, she’s the quintessential Mrs. Robinson for a couple generations of men. Dame Helen has been with director Taylor Hackford for more than 20 years, married for 11 of them, and I’ve never heard any rumors of affairs. She’s even worked with Jeremy Irons, I know that would push the limits of my marriage vows.

Russell’s got his work cut out for him, but something tells me he’s a persistent guy and will keep trying. Mirren will be counting the days until the movie wraps just to get away from him. If you’re not into it, Brand’s intensity could wear thin if he was directing it straight toward you. I’d like to think he’s more professional than that, but I get the feeling I’d be disappionted. He seems to like making people just a little uncomfortable with his sexuality, too. Helen may soon come to regret confessing that she finds Russell’s skinny jeans irresistible.

Helen Mirren is shown at the ITV3 Crime Thriller Awards in London on 10/3/08.Credit: Vince Maher / WENN. Russel Brand is shown with drag queens at the ‘End of Summer Ball’ charity event in Berkeley Square in London on 9/25/08. Credit: Gabor Scott /WENN. Header image of Russell from the MTV VMAs on 9/7/08. Credit: Bob Charlotte/PRPhotos.

Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren, 63, sparked a lot of debate with her comments on date rape, which were part of a longer interview with GQ Magazine. She said that she had been date raped twice as a young girl and that she doesn’t think women can take men to court for date rape in situations where it gets as far as them being in the same room naked together. At least that’s what other outlets claim she said. So far everyone has been going on excerpts from the interview because it’s only in the print edition of the magazine and there are just specific quotes online.

Mirren claims her quotes are accurate but that they need to be taken in context. Maybe she should have one of her people type that shit up and post it somewhere, because not a lot of people outside the UK are going to be motivated or able to find the British edition of GQ. As it is, I think Mirren’s comments may have dented her sterling reputation a little:

“Helen Mirren does not dispute the accuracy of statements attributed to her in an upcoming GQ article,” read a statement released Tuesday by Mirren’s publicist, Stan Rosenfield.
“She merely asks that people read the article in its entirety before drawing conclusions. If they do that, she says, their conclusions will likely be far less sweeping and sensational than those drawn by some in the popular press. She does not wish to qualify any of her remarks. She just wants to avoid having them presented in inflammatory language.”

The queen of salty award-show chatter needn’t fear—her lingo is entertaining enough on its own.

[From E! Online]

I showed the Daily Mail’s account of Mirren’s comments to a friend of mine and her mouth went open and she thought her statements were outrageous. She theorized that Mirren is still trying to deal with what she went through and that she’s still suffering the emotional pain and guilt after being raped twice. I would be inclined to believe that Mirren wasn’t being as broad sweeping about date rape as it sounded, but she did say “it [date rape] is one of the many subtle parts of the men/women relationship that has to be negotiated and worked out between them,” and that she didn’t think Mike Tyson was a rapist! It was like she was claiming that women should just deal with it. It was the Mike Tyson part that really got me, because the guy is known as a violent multiple ear-biting convict. Just because a woman went up to his hotel room doesn’t mean she owed it to him.

If I can find British GQ I’ll read what she said though, and if my mind is changed I’ll tell you why. I’m not holding my breath though.

Helen Mirren is shown christening a cruise ship on 4/16/08. I am aware that this is an unfortunate photo choice given the subject. Credit: James Newell / WENN

Helen Mirren, 63, gave a recent interview to GQ Magazine in which she made some controversial statements about date rape. She is being criticized for saying date rape is still rape, but essentially that women shouldn’t be able to prosecute for it because it’s hard to prove. When you read what she said, the first part sounds reasonable enough, then she makes the assertion that date rape is between two people and shouldn’t be prosecuted in court. It really sounds like she’s saying that these cases should never go to court and that women should have no option other than to deal with the consequences. There is somewhat of a gray area and if something goes as far as she’s stipulating – a woman is there naked on her own free will, the man rapes her, etc. – that’s definitely hard to prove. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t go to court though.

Sadly, Helen says she was date raped twice as a young woman and that she didn’t do anything about it or go to the police because it was hard to prove. It sounds like she thinks other women should keep their silence about it too. To bring her convoluted point home, Mirren says that Mike Tyson isn’t a rapist. Tyson was convicted of raping an 18 year-old beauty pageant contestant in 1991 and served three years out of a six year sentence. The woman had gone voluntarily to his hotel room.

The 63-year-old actress said when she was younger she was forced to have sex against her will and was too “naive” to say no.

Asked if she reported the incidents to the police, she told GQ magazine: “No, you couldn’t do that in those days.

“It’s such a tricky area, isn’t it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don’t think he was a rapist.”

If a woman voluntarily ends up in a man’s bedroom, takes all her clothes off and engages in sexual activity in bed with him she has the right to say “no” at the last second, Dame Helen said.

If the man ignored her it was rape, Dame Helen said.

But she said: “I don’t think she can have that man into court under those circumstances.

“I guess it is one of the many subtle parts of the men/women relationship that has to be negotiated and worked out between them.

“Times have changed. I hate young girls going around beating each other up, but I love the fierceness of young girls nowadays, and the way they just say, ‘f*** off’, because I wish I’d been taught to say ‘f*** off’ when I was younger.

“I wish I’d had those words in my arsenal of self-defence. Instead, I was polite and didn’t have the courage to say that to men who wouldn’t accept ‘no’ for an answer.

“I was pretty naive, I went to a convent school until I was 18, and had never spent a night away from home, or gone to parties, or any of that.

“So I was very innocent when I went to college in London, and I was living on my own. And I found guys were horrible, mean, rude, insulting, and so without feeling.

“And I was looking for love and for someone who just liked me, made me laugh and was nice to me. And instead I just met all these creeps.”

She said of her own experiences: “I was (date-raped), yes. A couple of times.

“Not with excessive violence, or being hit, but rather being locked in a room and made to have sex against my will.”

[From Telegraph.co.uk]

If someone locks a woman in a room and forces her to have sex against her will, that’s rape. Of course there are cases when women “lead a man on,” but rape is never justified and that often seems to be the defense that is usually used in these type of cases. It’s also something that’s very difficult to prove.

By saying that it’s something two people have to work out between themselves, Mirren sounds like she wants to set women back 40 years to what she had to go through. Why should women negotiate with men who raped them, or somehow forgive them at the time? That assumes that it’s a reasonable situation with a reasonable person, which it isn’t if rape is involved. Do you think Mirren is still dealing with the pain of what happened to her as a young woman? If she thinks there was no recourse, maybe she feels that she can close the door on something that she had no control over.

Helen Mirren is shown on 6/30/08 at an Armani fashion show. Credit: WENN

Gorgeous 62 year-old Oscar winner Helen Mirren has a new interview in Hello! Magazine in which she’s asked if she thinks she’s a sex symbol. Photos came out last week of Mirren rocking a bikini and her curves were in all the right places and she looked hot for a woman even thirty to forty years younger. Mirren said she’s a “symbol of sexuality” but claims she’s not a sex symbol and has never been one despite her sexy image.

Early in your career, directors and casting agents looked upon you as the blonde bombshell, a sex symbol. Did you mind that?
“They weren’t treating me as sex symbol because I never was that. But visually, I fitted into that scenario. Also, I didn’t see any conflict in being a feminist and wearing sexy clothes, because I liked that. I love nice clothes, but my Bohemian version. And I didn’t see why I couldn’t be that and intelligent and articulate. But when you are younger, people don’t like you to be pert. It gets disturbing.”

But you are still a sex symbol…
“In another way, yes. In a more benign way. But perhaps not really a sex symbol. A symbol of sexuality.”

But you were seen as a wild child in your younger years…
“I wasn’t wild! I was always a good girl. I always showed up on time, I was never ever late. I never got drunk. I did drugs, but only on my own time, not when I was working. I only missed two of God knows how many performances in theatre and only because I had a very bad throat infection when I was on Broadway. And I was told I would lose my voice for good if I went on. To my detriment I was too much of a good girl. You only have to look what I was doing at that age. I was performing every night, rehearsing every day.”

[From Hello! Magazine, print edition, July 28, 2008]

I love how she says “I did drugs, but only on my time,” because when people admit to little indiscretions you can tell they’re not the type to tell bigger lies. When someone is talking about their strengths and they sheepishly own up to some small way they deviated from that I take it as a sign that they’re truthful.

Mirren also talked about her husband of 11 years, American director Taylor Hackford. They’ve been together for 22 years as they had a long courtship, and she said it works because they both trust each other and Taylor is “completely unjealous.” She also revealed that they don’t spend every night together and she’s not sure if she could do that. She made the strange comment that it’s better for their relationship the less they see of each other:

Why do you think your marriage with Taylor has worked out so well?
“It’s a challenge. Trust is very important and loyalty, those are incredibly important. They are a two-way street. It really helps if we don’t see each other too much. I love seeing Tayler, I love being with him. But if I had to be with him every night – and some people do, they need someone to be with them every night of their lives – I don’t know if I could handle that.

“It’s a great help that he is in a similar profession to mine. Taylor is a remarkable man, because he is completely unjealous. And that’s rare for men. He is very successful, and I have always respected and admired him, and I have not been jealous of his success either. But when it came to my turn to be successful, he was just so proud and not challenged by it, not even remotely jealous. He was proud and hapy for me.”

The reporter asked Mirren why she’s “so frank and open about [her] sexual relationships” and she said “I am open and I’m not really open… There are things that give you a commonality with other beings, if you know what I mean…

“In our sexuality we all deal with the same fears and insecurities, dramas, problems, passions, heartbreaks.”

Mirren calls herself lucky, though, to have found love four times in life, and she says she’s grateful for each relationship and that she’s still good friends with some of her exes.

This was one of the most intelligent and thought-provoking interviews I’ve read in a while, and I can’t help but think that Mirren deserves all the success she’s had. I look forward to seeing her in many more films.

Taylor Hackford and Helen Mirren are shown at the Enchanted premiere on 11/17/07. Credit: Starbux/WENN. Mirren is shown in the header at the event where Armani received the ‘Legion D’Honneur Award’ in Paris on 7/3/08, and at Fashion Week on 7/1/08 below. Credit: WENN

Helen Mirren is shown at Roma Fest on 7/8/08. The photos in question are on the Daily Mail’s website. Credit: Italfoto srl/ Splash News.
The Daily Mail published candid photos of actress Dame Helen Mirren, 62, at the beach in a bikini, and she looks fabulous – no airbrushing or special lighting necessary. I showed the pictures to my daughter and asked her to guess how old the woman was, and she guessed 48. Helen always looks fantastic on the red carpet, wearing body-conscious dresses that are still age-appropriate and flattering, so it’s no surprise that she can pull of a bikini too.

Most women only a few days away from their 63rd birthday would be steering well clear of the beach. And if they did venture there, it would be in the most modest of concealing attire.

Dame Helen Mirren, however, is happy to flaunt her enviable curves and flat stomach in a bikini.

It seems hard to believe that this is the same actress whose portrayal of the Queen won her an Oscar.

Yet this was no retouched studio shot, with the only work to transform her toned body having been carried out during gruelling hours in the gym.

Dame Helen is holidaying in Puglia, on the southern tip of Italy, with her film director husband Taylor Hackford, 63.

[From Daily Mail]

The best part is that Helen’s body is all natural and her face doesn’t show signs of having work done. I know some people are going to be grossed out at the sight of a 62-year-old in a bathing suit, but they can all shut it. I think she looks great and we should be celebrating her and other women like her, who take care of themselves without getting chemicals injected into their faces or other procedures. Go, Helen!

Note by Celebitchy: Helen Mirren looks amazing in those photos, but The Daily Mail made a decision to be nice to her when they normally knock every small flaw in celebrities, particularly women. They could just have easily zoned in on her and said something completely outrageous about one of her body parts. Good for them for printing a truthful article about a celebrity’s body for once.

Apparently I’m not the only one deathly afraid of childbirth: Helen Mirren is too. I feel so much less guilty now. But Helen’s fear is so extreme that she’s completely disgusted by it – after seeing a video about childbirth as a teen, she was so traumatized that she swore she’d never have kids – and she followed through on that promise. I’m quite sure I’ll need to be given massive amounts of drugs and tied down, but I’m pretty sure that as long as I have my future husband’s arm to bite down on, I’ll be just fine. Helen Mirren, on the other hand, cannot be swayed with drugs and biting.

Although it was a school for girls only, Dame Helen said that in the biology classes they were taught nothing about sexual reproduction. Then came the occasion the class was driven by bus to a boys’ school. She was about 13 or 14, “just at that age when you’re just beginning to be self-conscious about your physicality and about boys and all that. “And they sat us all down, boys and girls, all about 13, 14 years old in this horrible school hall. “And then this tweed-skirted dykey sort of woman, short cropped hair, comes on and says, ‘I’m Dr Joyce’ or whatever, ‘and what you’re about to see is one of the greatest miracles.

“I’ve seen it many times you know because I’m a doctor and giving birth is one of the most beautiful things’.” Dame Helen recalls how the group were wondering what she was talking about and then the film began. To this day she can remember it – the whirring of the projector and a close-up of a woman having a baby. “And that’s all you see and these are 13-year-old boys and girls who can’t look at each other anyway, and it’s bloody and it’s disgusting. “And then occasionally a little subtitle comes up because there’s no soundtrack. It says, ‘Now prepare the rubber sheet’.”

She said she had put her hands up to her face, realizing she could not watch it. Within 30 seconds two boys had fainted and were carried out while the ‘stupid woman’ said: “Wasn’t that wonderful? It’s a miracle.” Dame Helen said: “I swear it traumatized me to this day. I haven’t had children and now I can’t look at anything to do with childbirth. It absolutely disgusts me.”

[From the Daily Mail]

Mirren also says he mother was a royal bitch, and that didn’t exactly make her want to become a mother herself. Though with the description she just gave, it’s hard to argue that childbirth is… let’s just say I think the gods or evolution or nature or whatever could have come up with a kinder way to go about it. I think it’s a really good idea never to watch a childbirth video. That way, you’re not scared until about the last ten minutes when the doctor tells you what’s about to happen. And you assume he’s full of it, because an entire baby can’t possibly come out of there, what a moron. Then all of a sudden it does. You’re a little pissed that you had no clue, but it’s all over with so who’s to quibble. I’m pretty sure that’s the absolute smartest, healthiest way to go about the whole thing.