Jason Lewis – Learn to act with his pants ON.

Ashley Olsen - Eat a Triscut

Victoria Beckham – film hardcore sex movie to raise money for Shih Tzu Rescue

Tony Parker - Catch a “Desperate Housewives” episode between games

Liza Minnelli - save the booze for when she is driving

Sharon Stone- only park in the handicap spots when she is really, really high

Kelly Ripa – Kill, eat Regis Philbin

Conan O’Brien- Keep the Beard, shave the crotch

Britney Spears – Take some time out from watching the kids for some “me” time

Carson Kressley – get lasik surgery to worsen his eyesight

Kiefer Sutherland – become the toughest guy in the yard

Lindsay Lohan – go to re-hab to find a new boyfriend

Will Smith – get his Thetan level higher

Nick Hogan - enroll in the Devry institute, move to Argentina

Paris Hilton – Find another rich Grandfather

Angelina Jolie – Adopt Brad Pitt

Demi More - get that plastic surgery on her knuckles and toes to make herself complete

Tara Ried – quit spending so much money on underpants

K Fed – put his kids on the nutritious “Lucky Charms” diet

Dave Chapelle – turn down the first eight truckloads of money, accept the 9th

Pam Anderson – Mary someone who wasn’t on a Hollywood sex tape

Sacha Baron Cohen – resist urge to punch people who come up to him and yell “verrrry Niiiiiice”

When it comes to Christmas I love the idea of spending time with family, and giving and receiving gifts, but I’m less fond of our Christmas tree. I much prefer a real tree but my fellow householders won’t hear of it. However, I think they might be won over by this story from George Clooney:

“Our neighbour was so proud of his garden, so when my dog got into it, he shot its butt full of pellets. Fortunately the dog didn’t die,” Contactmusic quoted Clooney, as saying.

“But in the middle of the neighbour’s garden was a manicured fir tree, so one Christmas Eve, I sawed it down and put it up in our house.

“No Christmas tree has ever meant so much to me,” he added

India Times

If only I could engineer a scenario like this one, I don’t think any Grinch could deny me my cheekily gained live Christmas tree in 2008. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I don’t have a dog, and my country frowns on casual gun ownership. The neighbours do have a few trees and I’ve got a cat, so maybe we could work something out. Or I could just buy a live tree and insist on keeping it, although that really seems to be taking the easy way out.

Note by Celebitchy: George Clooney planned to bring his new girlfriend, former Fear Factor winner Sarah Larson, home for Christmas with his family, according to OK! Magazine. They say that Sarah’s present to his father would be “a martini set with a limited-edition Rabbit corkscrew and a big bottle of wine.” Hopefully he doesn’t read OK! Magazine or he would have found out his gift ahead of time.

George Clooney is shown leaving Il Cielo Restaurant in Beverly Hills on 11/16/07, thanks to WENN.

Looking back at a wonderful 2007 holiday season, Celebitchy would like to share our celebrity gift list. While some say that gift-giving is impossible for those that seem to have it all, we compiled the best gift choices for your favorite celebrities. We know Christmas was yesterday but hey, there’s still Kwanza and Boxing day to think about!

Britney Spears - Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care : 8th Edition
Lindsay Lohan - Six Pack of O’Douls
Amy Winehouse - Fruitcake (with metal file baked inside)
Owen Wilson - Excedrin
Yung Joc – NRA Membership
Shaquille O’Neal - economy sized Geritol
Nicolas Cage - A believable script
Will Smith - A history book
Toby Keith - The courage to come out and chase that rainbow
Nick Hogan - Driving Lessons
Angelina Jolie - an unplanned pregnancy (not hers)
Paris Hilton - Boxer Shorts
K-Fed – “Father Knows Best” on DVD
Jamie Lynn Spears - Trojan multi-pack (mailed to last year)
Marylin Manson - Michael Jackson’s “Moonwalker” (a cautionary tale)
Tony Parker – A paid-up-front , untraceable Cell Phone
Jon Bon Jovi - A rhyming dictionary
Jennifer Love Hewitt – a one-piece swimsuit
Cristina Ricci- McDonald’s gift card
Jessica Simpson – A DVD player and map to Wal-Mart (so she can attend her next premiere)
Chuck Norris – a sense of humor and/or a kick in the nuts
Seth Green – A day off
Michelle Rodriguez - A carton of smokes
David Beckham - Bigger underpants
Kiefer Sutherland – PS3 with Grand Turismo and a bottle of scotch

Picture note by Celebitchy: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are shown out biking in New Orleans with all their kids on 12/21/07. Lohan is shown on 12/21/07 out shopping. Paris Hilton and Swedish pizza boy Alex Vaggo are shown out to dinner and shopping on 12/22/07. Thanks to Splash News. Gift stack from Chiasso.com, where I’ve found plenty of good presents for friends and relatives.

Thank you so much for being a part of Celebitchy - for reading, commenting, and sticking around this year. It means a lot to us to have you visit and come back, and I know I learn something new from you every day.

At Celebitchy we strive to write articles that are thorough, insightful and funny, to read the comments as much as possible, and to listen to and respond to your feedback.

Writing a celebrity blog has its daily frustrations, but your great comments and the occasional huge celebrity scandal make it all worthwhile.

A special thanks to all our hard working friends who send you our way and come up with such excellent stories. We are constantly impressed by your work.

Here’s to a relaxing holiday and a wonderful 2008.

[Images from Photocase.de thanks to photographers Marnai and goldkatze.]

The Huffington Post had screenshots of the celebrity Christmas cards shown on “Live with Regis and Kelly” on Friday morning, and some are quite inventive and well designed.

Paul Reubens better known as Pee Wee Herman’s card shows the fallen kid’s star with his trademark raised eyebrows expression looking like he’s about to throw a snowball.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette’s card is bright pink on the outside with a big picture of their daughter Coco smiling and the words “Joy to the World.” The inside features a full page photo of Coco lounging on a Saint Bernard and says “And a peaceful New Year, love David, Courteney and Coco”

Tony Bennett’s card is of a winter scene the singer painted himself

Conan O’Brien’s Card has a close view of a cute cartoonish ornament of the talk show host hanging on a tree with other ornaments of the same style

Katie Holmes designed this simple bow-adorned Christmas card for the Cruise family. She was said to have had differently designed cards for friends, family and business associates and to have “kept her staff busy doing the shopping.” It sounds like she kept her staff busy making the cards too. (image and description from US Weekly)

Paris Hilton posed in what would look like a parody of herself if we didn’t know better. She wore a red wrap dress, posed in front of a cone-shaped tree with giant red velveteen bows, and clutched one of her chihuahuas, which was dressed in a little red Santa hoodie. (image found at CelebWarship)

Unlike the Funny or Die videos, which have a point and are usually actually funny, this Christmas video from Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore isn’t funny or even mildly amusing. In fact I just watched the whole Alvin and The Chipmunks movie with my kid and found that drivel easier to sit through than five minutes of this annoying video. This movie includes a lot of swearing that isn’t necessary or well placed, there’s a gratuitous sex scene with Ashton and Demi, and the entire plot, loosely based on the writer’s strike with a Christmas theme, makes no sense.

So Santa has to take a temp job when the elves strike, hits bottom after the death of frosty the snowman, writes a screenplay and then is on top again? It makes no sense and when you factor in Ashton’s obnoxious acting it’s just painful to sit through.

This is coming from the guy who brought us Punk’d, which had its moments, so you would expect him to be able to create a short clip for the web that’s worth the time it takes to watch it. This reminds us why the real writers need to get paid. Maybe that’s why Demi and Ashton made this video, to remind us that we’re in for months of completely worthless junk like this if the WGA doesn’t get a fair deal.

Madonna sounds like a really fun parent. I mean she rebelled like crazy, to the point that she built her reputation and her fame on it. So she’s gotta remember what it’s like to be young and have unnecessarily strict parents. Remember “Papa Don’t Preach?” Yeah that’s right; Madonna knows that if you’re too strict a parent, your rebellious daughter will end up pregnant and keeping her baby. So she’s must be cool, right? Nope, while Madonna may have made a name for herself by being a rebel, she’s managed to do it with a Guinness -sized stick up her ass the whole time. Which means that – not surprisingly – she’s a total nutcase when it comes to rules and discipline with her kids. The list of “no’s” is pretty long – television, red meat, fun, laughter, merriment… in fact I think even childhood is on the list. A while ago we wrote an article about how husband Guy Ritchie said each of their kids only gets three Christmas presents. It turns out the reasoning has nothing to do with Madonna and Guy’s involvement in Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism. Apparently the problem is that Christmas is too commercial. Says the material girl. [Yes I stole that joke from Fark. It was too good not to use].

Here’s a rundown of the Ritchie’s slightly draconian Christmas festivities.

There won’t be carols, brandy butter or television. There’ll be hardly any presents, and most traditional, seemingly innocent festive fare has been banned. Indeed, a rather restricted version of Yuletide spirit will be in evidence in the $11 million London townhouse where Madonna, her director husband Guy Ritchie and their children Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David Banda, 2, will spend Christmas Day.

“The deal is that the family hasn’t converted to Judaism, but they do celebrate Jewish festivals,” a friend says. It’s all bracingly pick ‘n’ mix for the Ritchies. Somewhat breathtakingly, the main reason for not exchanging gifts is that Madonna is very much against the commercialism of Christmas. This seems rather a cheek, given the way she has unblushingly flogged her image and her sexuality in the most commercial way possible for three decades.

The day’s highlight will be a low-fat, macrobiotic feast prepared by their chef. (Neither Ritchie nor Madonna cook.) It is highly unlikely to feature turkey, as Madonna has issues with the rearing and slaughtering of poultry. Instead, the “feast” will be based on grains - such as quinoa - and vegetables. Friends of the family say there will be a small amount of unsalted meat for the children and for Ritchie, but salty, fatty treats such as stuffing are completely out.

[From News.com.au]

Lest you think Madonna is just a Christmas Grinch, don’t be worried – she’s a crazy disciplinarian regarding her kids all year long. Fearful that they won’t be mercilessly tormented by their peers, Madonna has piled on the rules. I’m pretty sure when poor Lourdes leaves home, she’s going to gain the freshman 50, all on nothing but cream.

Indeed, the festive season is seen by Madonna as no excuse to stint on her punishing health regimen. She has even hired a nutritionist to advise on her children’s food. As a result, except for the very occasional ice cream as a treat, they have controlled amounts of dairy food, no cheese, no cream, no salt, no preservatives and no sugar.

“They entertain beautifully, but it isn’t what you would call conventional,” a friend says. “A housekeeper will set out a great big table covered in stuff, all macrobiotic, which no one dares eat unless Madonna tucks in. They’re all terrified of her.”

[From News.com.au]

I have to admit, I’m kind of afraid of Madonna too. My God, if she found out the things I said about her, she might stuff me full of quinoa. Seriously, having a healthy diet is great, but when you’re too restrictive with food – hell with anything – it makes kids want it more. You have to give in enough so that yummy food doesn’t attain this reverential status. Seriously, my mom was that way, and I gained like 40 pounds when I left home. It was donut city. I’m pretty sure poor Rocco is going to do nothing but eat Mounds bars the first time he has a week of freedom from his control-freak mom. Listen Madonna, I know that giant stick helped you attain commercial success, but applying the same principles of uptight rigidity might not be the most successful way to raise a happy family.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Madonna out and about in Manhattan on December 9th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Some people are just inherently classy, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll say to them, “Hey, why don’t you relax, be a little more casual, you’re getting borderline uptight with all of your sophistication. Come mingle with the commoners.” Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey is just such a lady. Not content with organizing a bake sale, Carey has decided to auction off her recently-removed 36-D implants and donate part of the money to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. The rest of the funds will go towards paying her mother’s medical bills. She jumped off a four-story building in 2006, and obviously suffered major injuries. She’s had 11 surgeries since then.

So far the bidding is at $210 with 44 bids. There’s a little over eight days left. The eBay listing notes:

Have a very “Mary” Christmas and win the best stocking stuffer of all time. Mary Carey… is giving holiday shoppers an opportunity to take home what could be the seasons’ best stocking stuffer - her recently removed breast implants.

“Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state,” said Carey. “I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

[From eBay]

Mary is one of the participants on VH1’s upcoming “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. “ VH1 hasn’t said what addictions each of the participants is dealing with. But apparently the breast implants have to do with her sobriety… and her mother… Carey gives a rather convoluted reason that I could interpret several ways, if I wanted to sit around and try to get into her head.

“I’m actually overall very anti-plastic surgery,” Carey said. “I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it’s like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity.” Carey said the size 36-D implants were taken out two weeks ago and replaced with larger 36-DDDs and while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research. “The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, ‘You know what, I’m going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer,” Carey told Reuters in an interview. “Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state. I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

[From Gossip Boulevard]

Oh my. I don’t know what I can add to that. I guess it’s a good thing that maybe her heart is in the right place? Probably? Considering the whole situation with her mother, I really don’t feel like I should be making jokes. So I’m just trying to present the statements Mary has given, with as little commentary as possible. Wikipedia notes that Mary’s mother has Fetal alcohol syndrome, and IMDB says she’s also been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Mary’s father has s cerebral palsy. Her grandparents got custody of her when she was three months old and later adopted her. Eventually her mother came to live with them as well. I have no idea to what extent porn stars are honest about their pasts and what’s invented, but the general story on the internet is that Mary’s grandparents put her in dance classes, in which she excelled and performed with the Miami City Ballet when she was 12. She won several dance scholarships, and ended up at Florida State University’s dance team. Her grandparents both got sick and she started working as a stripper, and then a porn star, to support the family. Depending on its accuracy, it’s an interesting and sad story. Never thought I’d say this, but it makes me hope Mary Carey’s implants fetch a lot of money. Bid away, readers.

I think most of us go through a phase where we like to consider ourselves unusual, odd, or subversive. Generally this occurs during the teenage years, but it can last a little longer… or in some cases never go away. For this reason alone, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter seem to be the perfect pair. There are a bunch of other quirky reasons, but most of them fall under the heading of “Personality quirks of people who never grew out of THAT phase.” Case in point: Bonham Carter says Burton decorates his Christmas tree with dead babies and slime balls. I assume Tim Burton and Marilyn Manson have the same interior designer.

The household of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter is outfitted for Christmas – just not in the traditional manner. “He decorates it with dead babies and slime balls and things,” Carter, 41, tells Playboy magazine in its January issue, about trimming the tree with boyfriend (of six years) Burton, 49. “It looks lovely and glittery from afar, and then as you get closer, you realize it’s rather gory.”

Lest anyone get the wrong idea, Carter, who stars with Johnny Depp in Burton’s new movie musical Sweeney Todd, says, “We’re not that dark. What I love about Tim is that he retains a certain innocence and a childlike quality.

[From People]

Talk about looking at it through the eyes of love. It is sweet that Helena sees Burton’s eccentricities as adorable. And they’re certainly one of those couples that match and make a lot of sense together. Though lately the two have also looked perpetually terrified together. But at least it seems to be a shared emotion. The couple lives together, but not really together. They have separate houses that are attached. I have to say, once having lived with a boyfriend for two and a half years, I really can’t argue with that logic, in terms of maintaining long-term sanity. I joke, but hey, whatever works for you. They certainly seem happy together. Burton and Bonham Carter are expecting their second child in late December. Helena noted that they’re both unconventional parents. Shocking.

He sort of forgot to grow up. I think I’ve definitely forgotten to grow up, which is great.” Carter, who in 2003 gave birth to the couple’s son Billy Ray… adds with a laugh, “At some point, [Billy] will probably want parents. He’ll have to look elsewhere.”

[From People]

Well as long as you don’t drive with the baby in your lap or use the soft spot on their head as an ashtray (I stole that from a “Family Guy” parody of Britney Spears… but I’m pretty sure she has done that), I guess you’re a pretty good parent by celebrity standards. They’ll probably be fun and weird parents, and hopefully will figure out how to be not-so-fun regular parents when need be. Or they can just play with slime balls.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are shown at the Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix premiere on 7/3/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

As far as rich parents go, I have to say that being Madonna’s kid would not be on the top of my wish list. I’d probably start with Victoria Beckham or someone known for flaunting and needlessly squandering their money. At the very least, I’d aim for a rich parent that was known not to pay a lot of attention to their home life. Madonna – long known as a pretty extreme control freak – brings her highly regimented lifestyle into every facet of her existence – including holidays. It seems that her kids only get three Christmas presents. Though considering last week I read that they didn’t even celebrate Christmas, three presents seems like a pretty good deal.

Santa Claus keeps it sparse when it comes to the Madonna-Ritchie household. “The kids are only allowed three presents,” Guy Ritchie told Extra in an interview airing Friday. But their children — Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7 and adopted son David Banda, 2 — don’t seem to mind. “As long as the kids get three presents at Christmas, everyone’s being happy,” he said.

Ritchie, 39, said more little ones may be on the way for the Material Mom, 49. “Who knows?” he said. “My wife and myself like kids so we’ll have to wait and see what happens.”

Ritchie also debunked rumors that he and his family are converting to Judaism. (Madonna and co. study Kabbalah, a form of Jewish mysticism.) “I don’t think anyone’s converted to Judaism in my family,” he said. “I’m completely unaware of that. I have not converted to Judaism and neither has my wife.”

[From Us Weekly]

I’m not sure Madonna should have more kids. They might cut into her vigorous workout schedule or something. Remember the first day she brought David home [why in the world haven’t they changed his last name?] she still made sure to leave the kid with a nanny so she could get her gym time in. Normally I would say a celebrity not over-indulging their kid is a good thing, but I really don’t think Madonna’s type-a-to-the-extreme personality should be praised. Let’s hope it’s at least three REALLY expensive presents.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Madonna and Guy Richie are shown at the Revolver screening in NY last night. Thanks to WENN for this picture.